The guys discuss how to Target the right sultry stuffed snowman for good time, why having one kidney and limited vacation days always results in a career change, and when ONE strike, ZERO balls, and well manicured neck beard makes you royalty.
That Checks Out
AT-ATtaboy and $10,000 Worth of Chicken
- Dead joke. - Hello everybody, welcome to That Checks Out, with Damon and Chad. I'm Chad, the Maxim Damon, Damon. (dramatic music) - How was your week? - That feels pretty good actually, you like this? - Feels pretty good, yeah. - I don't know, are we gonna-- - I gotta do it Regis, how was your week? - That was dead. - Are we getting, hey we got a timer going. - Do you got a timer going? - Dude, we got a timer going right at the start. - All right, hey, I got a couple of things. - Couple of things, I guess some things. - We're going to the way back. - I'm trying to remember this time. We're going to the way back machine. But, okay, have you ever, yeah. Have you ever stood in front of a mirror too long, where you're like, man, I was, like you brush your teeth, then you're gonna get in the shower, and then you start doing something on your phone, and then you realize you're looking in the mirror, and you're like, I still shouldn't be staying in here. This is too long for me to see myself this way. (dramatic music) - Yeah, hey, that's the million dollar question. - Can I phone a friend? - So I-- - Jerry. - Yeah, I would like to phone a friend. - Yeah, you're that friend. Answer Damon's question, I was gonna say. Jerry, stare at me, and tell me when-- - No, I used to do it a bit on stage. I haven't done it in a long time, where the most disturbing thing of my travel, when I wouldn't be prepared for it, 'cause there's different bathrooms, different beds. I'd open the shower, either door or curtain, and just be like, well, that's disappointing. That's what I'm bringing to the table. - That's what I'm bringing to the table. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, like I got-- - Is that a, like I put it on my glasses on. I was like, why is there a potato in this room? Oh, it's me. - Yeah, but I got-- - I am gross. - I got to that awkward stage where I'm like, this is too much time in front of the mirror naked, I shouldn't be doing this. - You know what I mean? I mean, I really, I had to apologize to myself. I'm like, sorry. - That's why it's not just because I wanna conserve water. - Yeah. - That's why I wanna shower together. - Correct you. - Yeah. - Just so everyone's clear. - Correct. - Yeah, first off, it's for the environment, and so I have something to look at. - Yeah. (laughs) Ooh, good, 'cause when I step out there, I gotta see all this. - Yeah. - I'm sorry about your view. - Can you stand out first? - Yeah. - I will see you in the mirror and in the back. That seems fair. Unfortunately, not everybody has the same view you have for it. So it's like, they get a parking lot view, okay? You got, you're like, okay, I gotta see this. I got this as a van review. I'm gonna watch the sunrise. Awesome. Let me tell you what you're gonna see. - It does. - Parking lot. - It does seem weird. I don't know when it changed. Like when I was growing up, we had the mirror over the vanity. That was it. - Right. - The medicine cabinet. - What was your shorter than two? - But that's still the only mirror we had in the bathroom was over the sink. It was the medicine cabinet. I still had that cabinet. - Right. - It is now to the right of a 20 foot mirror that is 20 feet by three feet. - Right. - Why do you need a mirror that big in your bathroom? - Right. - Wow. From every place in this room, I can be like, oh. - Yeah. - Right. - Oh, why? - That's a lot of gross. I don't understand how that all got in the mirror. - When did this happen? - You know what's weird? It's when you look in the mirror and you're like, "Yeah, look at that." "Oh shit, that's me." - You know what I mean? - I could put my glasses on and be like, "Oh, this didn't make it any better." - Yeah. - Now I can see definition. So I, you know what? There still isn't any. So when I realized this, this went two-fold on me then. This really sucks. - Oh, I don't want to hear about your folds. - Yeah. - Anyone hear about Damon's folds? - First off, if you stop it too, that's amazing. Okay. So, this goes two-fold. So I hop in the shower and then I realize-- - Yeah. - No, then I realized-- - You didn't be plausible. - All right. Then I realized, I didn't pee. So another shower, all tubes in the shower, right? It's all tubes. Here's a deal though. Drain wasn't going as fast as you wanted to. (laughs) You're barefoot in the shower and you're like, "Okay, listen." - Oh no. - I am backed away. - Listen, I'm shooting for distance. And I'm still going shooting for speed. - Yeah. I'm still going-- - He's all alone. - I need a block to stand on because this is coming this way and you're going, "God, there's a lot of pee." You want to stop, you're like-- - This is when you're like, "I wish I had the tub shower." - Yeah. - Oh yeah. - You can just get up on the tub. - Right. - And then, you had just someone walking in. All right, there's a story here. I promise. - I promise. - Okay. - Promise. - I was already-- - I spilled my lemonade. - You know what, just stay away from the shower, right? - I didn't want to explain it at enough time. - Okay. - Let me distract you by the mirror. - Yeah. - Look at the mirror. Right. That's what I saw. That's what I hopped in here. Okay. Then I realized, I didn't pee first. Then I realized, this drain, it ain't keeping up with what I'm putting down. You know what I mean? And it was rough. - The other night. - It was rough. 'Cause we're old. I got up to go to the bathroom real at night. - Yeah. Partially, this is my fault. You see that I now carry, I don't carry one as big as yours. I get it adequate. Don't like some bragger. - Right. - I've had half gallon, I usually get to the end, fill it back up. My idea itself would be like, oh, there's half of this half gallon left. So that's, you know, I've had three-fourths of gallon of this water. - Right. - Plus my other beverages throughout the day. It'll be like 10 o'clock. Well, I just gotta finish it. Stupid. - Yeah. - The other night, I just walked in, flipped on the bathroom lights and was like, you know what? I'm not alone in this like, on suite. You know what I mean? It's all like, wow, that was a dumb thing to do. I just turned all the lights on. Like the dog was like, whoop. Yeah. - Are we getting up now? Are we playing? - Yeah. - I was just so tired. I was just like, oops. - Yeah. - Hey, hey, just oopsie. - Everyone's up now. (laughing) - It's just going back to bed. So, so, so when stuff like this happens, it's weird when you get out of the shower and you're like, I gotta jot this down because I'm gonna talk about it later on. But when it's a reality like that, where you're like, oh yeah. - I mean, you know, did we talk recently that the heart problem I had? - Yeah. - Yeah, so I turned that into a bit on stage, right? - Right. - Right. - I was like, they're asking me questions. So, you have any history of this? I'm like, I'm trying to remember this detail. - Yeah. - Do you mind? - Yeah, can I get my phone out and put notes in? Can we see your insurance card? - Just a second. I am trying to write. - So what you should've done is just set everything you want to be like, hey, I'm gonna get a copy of this transcript, right? Are you gonna write this down? - Yeah. - So then, guy walks into doctor's office, okay? And you're like, why are we starting there? - Can you send it? - Yeah, can you send your silliest doctor and you? (laughing) - Just wanna punch it up. It's patch Adams here, I wanna see patch Adams, that's what I need right now. So, but no, I thought that was what, and again, that was back when I was traveling. So this wasn't my shower. My shower, I know the drain power, okay? You're gonna, here's the other thing too. Is it backing up? It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What else has done that drain that's not mine? - Okay, so this makes a good point. - Yeah. - That someone in my house, whenever I make pasta or anything that needs to be strained into a strainer, you know, like-- - Use the shower? - No, I hold it up above the sink. - Yeah. - And I pour into that. - Yeah. - Other people in my house, and that's just one person's, other people will put it down in the bottom of the sink. They will pour that in. I don't think they understand how water works. Water will go all the way down into the garbage disposal, collect everything that's down in there, and then come back up as it rises back up. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? - Yeah. - Basically the same concept you're talking about. - And your noodles are floating in it. - Right. - Yeah, I don't like, I'll come over. - Science. - Hey, who cooked this? I'll just have the sauce. I'm cutting out the carbs. (laughing) - Just cut. - This is a lot of carbs, I'm cutting out pasta carbs. - Hey, we mixed the sauce and the sink too. You know what, I'm good. I'm gonna go to bed, I'm gonna go to bed and drink my three gallons of water. - Why does this smell like filth? - Yeah. - And you know this smell filth smell like? - When do we start putting fish, and fish bones in spaghetti? Seems kind of weird. So, but, hey, so the other thing, there's a video, and I may be braving, I'm sure there's some time. - Yeah, that is a very brave statement. There is a video. - I may be braving, I'm sure there's some time. When I was at Disney, I rode the-- - Oh, the sky thing. - The Skyliner. - That's it. - Yeah, I rode the Skyliner. Something I said I would never, ever, ever, ever-- - Yeah, I remember, like you-- - Oh, I'm not even mentioned. You were like, I'm never gonna. - So, can I tell you something? I rode it twice. - Whoa. - Yeah. - I bet Nicole's jealous. - Yeah, I'm gonna be, yeah, 'cause it's, well, we have two kids. - Wait, you got enough around two of this? - Yeah, I was gonna say, yeah. We got two kids. I rode Nicole twice too, in case everybody's counting. It is what it is. - Well, everybody, this drove in your mouth? - That's been, yeah, hold on, let's just play 'em all, 'cause this is the last episode, I'm out. (laughing) - Can we-- - Mac, we can't shut those off when we touch 'em. We need to order that guy. - You shut me off when you need to touch me. - So, I think I turned you around when I didn't touch you. Anyway, here's where we're at. - Oh my God. (laughing) - Play to put it right out there. - Why do we throw it? - I got two kids, you can do the math. - You threw up in the studio? This is a new studio. - Yeah, new studio, can't you that? - That bill goes to him. - Yeah, so, no, what's wild is, I get on this thing, thinking, all right. - Wait, we just attacked the Skyliner? - Yeah, Jerry got ahead of it. - I've never called the cold thing. - You always say that, never called the cold a thing, all right, so anyway. Let the record show you, Rodder, yes. So, what's wild is, we're with Rich and Allen, and we find out the only way we can get to this place we wanna go, we're thinking that my brain is like, who's Rich and Allen? - Yeah, so we're with Rich. - Like it's just one where we're with Rich and Allen. And what's wild is, they've, Helen's already been yelled at once this day, and I'll get to that in a second. - Oh, I was just saying by whom, but I guess we're moving on, by me. - We're moving on, but we're gonna circle back. - We'll circle back. So, she's already been yelled at me once today, because she took me on a ride and said, "No, this is fine, we wanna ride?" It was not fine for Damon at all. - What is it, the goofy flight school? - No, we went on a ride, rise of the resistance. - Oh yeah, well, Williamson re-recommended that. - So, here's the thing, so this is a Star Wars ride. If you've ever been to Disney-- - From the KZ Whisperer. - Yeah, but if you've ever been to Disney, they have rides where you're not strapped in to anything, so you think, okay, this is only gonna go one way, right? Now, they throw a lap bar down on you, so I thought, okay, well, it's gonna throw you around, Jaws, so you round it is. We're going on this whole thing, and it's kind of, they're pulling you backwards, you're flying around, and I'm like, okay, it's cool. Then we go in this tube. - I'm with you. - And I hear, Ted, I hear the clunk, it just locked the wheels. (laughing) And I went, I went, shit, I said it just like that. Now, I'm on with two strangers, Rich and Helen in the front, and then my whole family in the second row, and I go, shit, and then as soon as it starts to move, I go, I start to go, I go, Helen? I yell it like that, I go, you son of a bitch, so loud. The people got off the ride, they were appalled by me. I was really scared, it was not a, I blamed her 100%. So, fast forward now, we get on this thing that we'll call a ride, but it's transportation. We get on it, and I'm scared to death. - Oh, I said there was a picture of it. - It's a flying coffin. - Oh, no, no, you see the video. - No, I'm just saying, based on the picture. - Oh, I'm sure the video is chef's kiss. - So, when I, I'm on this thing for way too long, we get off it, I have marks on my hands. From where I held onto the bench, my hands were bruised for the next 40 minutes, they were red and purple, it was gross. That's all hard to hold on. - I didn't realize that. - No, no, no, no. You do not get to talk to me about gross, sir. - Yeah. (laughs) - Three and a half minutes ago. - Nicole does. She's talking about gross. - Yes, yes. - She's an aficionado, of gross. So, but she's my mirror. So, she is, she's seen everything. Anyway, by the way. - So, with the man in the mirror. - But get in the shower. - That's Michael Jackson. - He's just getting the shower. - Get in the shower. - Yeah, we start with the man in the mirror, don't pee. - We're gonna ask him to get the shower, not change ways. - Who took the video? - Yeah, the video was taken by Nicole, apparently. - She has it. - No, she has it. - No, my eyes were closed the whole time. I don't know. The picture you saw of my mouth open, my eyes closed. That was me. - I do know it takes off with some velocity, as it leads to the-- - It does. - The station. - It does. - And then after that, you were still-- - I was terrified. - Okay. - Which is, you can feel it moving, okay? And it's a hang and coffin. It else all it is. - It's also-- - Sorry. - So, it was weird. - Hey, Mac, we could edit this to be really fast. - So, we're up there, and she's trying to console me. She's like, "It's okay, Damon." I'm like, "You shut your mouth now." - Yeah, you know what, I hate that the most. - Yeah. - If I say just, the first time, I'm like, "I don't need that." - Yeah. - Every time after that, it just makes it worse. - Yeah, so then Rich proceeds to tell me, "We're going over the road." I go, "Hey, don't give me play-by-play where I'm gonna die." I'm like, "Yallen, I'm watching this video back." It's funny to watch it back 'cause I lived, and everything's fine, but it wasn't to live it. - It suddenly just got less fun. - Yeah, it was, I don't find it humorous at all. - I would of course like train, though. - My phone would have had car traffic up at 11 the whole time. - Yeah. - Whoa, whoa. - Low-flying planes, you know, whatever it takes. - Is that the fourth turn at Indy? What are we hearing right now? - So what's wild is, I did this, and I was very proud of myself afterwards. So fast forward to like the second to last day we're there, and we want to go eat at this resort. While we're leaving the park, there's no bus that goes there because of course, the cables go there. And I'm like, "What do you mean, of course?" You cannot depend on everybody saying, "They're gonna get in that thing." But Disney said, "We're not gonna run a bus "from here to there when this goes there." Cool, okay. So I looked at the kids and I'm like, "Let's go." And they're like, "What'd I go?" "I already hate it, let's go." But I said, "If anybody talks to me at all, "I'm gonna murder somebody while we're in here." - Oh, see, that would have been your, yeah. That was it. - That would have been your downfall. 'Cause everyone's like, "Hey everybody, it's me." - Well, and that's, we got it the thing, and that's the first, and Chuck's like, "Remember Miss, "we can't talk to Dad right now 'cause he's scared "'cause we're up over all the room." - "We wanna talk to Dad about how terrible this is." - Yeah, and he goes, "Hey Miss, you think we could shake this? "You know what I mean? "They're doing whatever, so we lame, we're done." But, fast forward back to where Helen's already been yelled at twice now, right? The only thing I liked about that ride is you're riding through, it's kind of cool how you go in, and you walk through like you're a prisoner and then they take you through. Yeah, so it's kind of cool. I'm not a big Star Wars guy. - They turn a lot of the queue into actual things. - They really do, so, but I'm not a Star Wars guy, but amazing ride. I just don't like being jostled side to side. I don't like that at all. - I mean, if we cut back to the original episode of that checks out, originally titled, "I'm Just Saying," Damon and Ted on a quest to go to the Duke's Fest. - Yeah. - We got a hotel. We had to get, for due to construction in the stairs route, we had to take the elevator. - Yeah. - We went one floor. I have never jumped in an elevator more. - Yeah, he's not lying. - In one floor. - He's in the whole time. - He's in the whole time. - Stop it, stop it. - Stop it, stop it. Cut it out, stop it, stop it. - That elevator was a trampoline to me. - Yeah. - The whole time, Damon's like, "Cut it out, cut it out." - My eyes were closed, but I felt it. - So I totally get when your kids really like it. - Yeah. - Do you think we shake this? - Yeah, I think we shake this. - Think we can dilute it. - Think we can dilute it. Think we can dilute the bar. - So the only thing that I really liked most about that ride, and this happened honestly, 15 seconds before here. - We're going, we're going this thing. We're going underneath, they called at-ats, the big Star Wars things, right, the walk-up thing, right? Depending on your nerdness. - So anyway, so we go underneath that, and I tell Chuck, I have my affin, 'cause now it's, nothing's freaking me out. It's fine, it's a ride, 'til afterwards. And I look at him, I go, "Hey, I look up." I go, "That at-ats a boy." Like that, right? And Chuck just looks at me without missing me. He goes, "Yep, what a hog, my guy." (laughing) Dude, I'm laughin' so hard. Then we pull in this tunnel, and you hear clunk, and I go from, "Huh, shit, just that easy." I was so freakin' out, man. - He took football words to Disney. - I did, I did, and when we got off the ride, those people ran, like out of way, and I'm like, "Listen, I don't try to do that." I did that one other time. I try not to, I'm with it enough to not go all the way, full blown football words, but I wasn't with it enough to not let Damon come out. It is what it is, you know? - You're time stamping all of these in your windows, right? (laughing) He doesn't go all the way, he lets Damon come out. He's on his phone, and you know how we hopped on that thing? 'Cause he's turned halfway around. - His hands were turning purple and gross. Like, we're, yeah, I'm right in the script here, and Max is over there texting. - Yeah, he's still in here, I got another 40 minutes. - I don't know, I guess I'll meet you for dinner late. - I moved the studio, I hope they wouldn't find it. - He moved it eight feet down. - He's surprisingly accurate. - The door has our sticker on it. (laughing) - As you come up the stairs. - Yeah, we saw our sticker. We must be recording here, you know? Not getting away from that, you know? So, but no, any other, so the other Disney ride that I really like, and it was weird, 'cause I don't like heights. I like Soren, you're familiar with Soren? I love Soren. It's like you're hang gliding, right? - Yeah. - So, I was joking because I told Chuck, I said, what if we were doing Soren over grandma's house? And he looks to me and I go, now my grandma, back when we were kids, your grandma would have plastic on the, you know, and stuff, so I said, you get the sights, 'cause you're like, sight sounds and smells. I'm like, here's your sights. Plastic on everything, okay? Just, everything's wrapped in plastic, okay? Sounds, Fox News in the background, because that's all, it's on the TV, all right? - So, you're like, I'm a lot of like, squidging on the plastic. - Yeah, it's like, I'm Wolf Splitzer, whatever, whoever's on Fox News, right? And then the smells, marble reds, okay? You know how they waft that, usually waft like the oranges or something in your face? You're like, is that, am I getting cancer? - And it's literally-- - What am I getting? It's literally just a bunch of like, roadies just, like blowing actual marble reds. - Right, it's like, this smells so real. Well, they're a smoke break. - This tastes like a marble red. I could taste that for a minute. It tastes like grandma's house, you know? Pie? Does it taste like homemade pie? No, tastes like marble reds. I don't understand. But I thought that would be so cool. And so as we were talking about it, I told him, I says, hey, you don't know, you're not familiar. That age is not familiar with plastic, 'cause my mom doesn't have plastic on nothing. You know what I mean? That's from when my grandma did that stuff. You know, and you don't go in that room. - Yeah, don't go in the front room, right? - Yeah, or if you had a drink and you walked over the carpet, I mean, that was grounds for murder. And you know, honestly, the judge, no judge would convict her. They'd be like, wait a minute. Was that your carpet? - That's how our age got good at leaning. - Yes. - 'Cause you could stay in the kitchen and lean as far as you could. - Lean, and you're watching a TV. You're like, well, you can't leave the table to your lean. - We also learned which windows and which, like, China cabinets and everything would reflect the TV best. - Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll sit right here. - Right here, I'm watching the-- - I'll sit right here. - Yeah. - Well, nothing. I'm not, yeah, you would give up that secret. What are you doing? I just want it. I like this. - I like sitting there. And she's blowing marble for us in your face. - It's the payoff. - Yeah. So you really liked that? A little bit? - Yeah. - I guess tears are. I love it. - Yeah. - The best. - And so the last thing, you know, when you watch commercials when you're on vacation? And like, 'cause nothing's for where you're at. So I like the local stuff. - Oh, yeah, yeah. - There was a commercial in the morning that said the Brevard Zoo, so I'm guessing it's somewhere down there, okay? It says, "Is celebrating our 30th year?" And this is their next statement. And we're proud to say we still have all of our original attractions. What do you take from that? - They got some really old animals there. - I'm like, every animal's at least 30 years old. You don't have a new one? - Yeah. - First off, no banging in that zoo. And got nothing new. - Yeah. - All right. - Hey, my name's Damon. (laughing) - I'm a bear. - Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo. - Yeah, that's right, you know? But it's like, dude, that's probably not what you wanna say on the commercial. I'd be like, hey, look, we've got revamped. - We've done this, we've done that. - Do they mean they have still have the monkey house? They still have a carousel? - Right. - Is that what they mean? - We're proud to say we have not shut down any exhibits. That's cool, but you don't have a new animal. Every animal has that old animal smell. - Warbo-red. (laughing) - That tiger smells like marbo-reds. I think it was in my grandma's. - Grandma? (laughing) - No, Grandma. - You're getting too close to marbo. You know, we get more people, middle age, getting eaten by that tiger. It's not even funny. - Well, save a lot on food. - Yeah, the last words they say are grandma. - Yeah, grandma? Famous last words. - They're grandma. - Great. They're not grandma. Yeah, some calls in a home. But to just be so proud, like listen, it's like, remember to Simpsons when they used to go, we have like for their, realtor company, they're like, "We have a hundred years of experience." 78 of them scale. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like, that's what they're doing. They're like, "Look, man, we got 30 years "of the same exhibits." Like, "Hey, come on down to Holliday Inn, "we've got all of our original sheets and pillows." - Yeah, right. Gross. - Who knew 12 was the thread count? - We didn't. - But it is. - Yeah, we hope they originally started out, I believe, yellow. - Yeah. - Polka dotted sheets. That's what we live by. What color are the polka dots? We'd rather not say. - We've got all of our, we were selling right in our 35th year, all of our original toilet seats. - But we do have a future pancake machine that you might be interested in. Come on down. First off, they would get me in a heartbeat. - Yeah. - Future pancake, man. - Oh yeah, those mattresses sound terrible, but a pancake machine. - Yeah, a pancake machine makes up for it. - I'll sleep on a pancake machine. You just dumped that shit right in my mouth. We're good. But, but it would literally be a grass tree at the waffle house. Like this place is gross too. - Yeah. - But I didn't have to sleep here. - But it's clean. - Yeah. - When it was weird, I'm gonna bring their napkin home and use it as a sheet, because it's cleaner than what you guys have over there. - Can I just take your apron? (laughing) Dude, I spilled a lot of stuff on it. Even raw meat. I'll take it. This might be your booger. I'll still take your apron. I don't care. It's better than my sheets that I have next door. - At the motel four and a half. It's not even a six. Motel 4.5, it's four and a half, sir. Please read the sign properly. I told you, if we use fractions, people down here aren't gonna hold it. - Yes. - Okay, we're not gonna use it. So, but, but yeah, that again, I'm glad you took the exact same thing for me. I'm like, just tell me what it means to you. Because my next sentence-- - My next sentence-- - It was like, this feels like he's putting on a tee. - So what's my next sentence? - Means every, every animal is at least 30 years old. - That's if you got him new. (laughing) - That was my sentence. - Yeah. - If you've got him new, he's gonna be looking at 45. - I'm gonna say, yeah. - 57 in there. - We gotta use pandas. I'm gonna tell you right now. They pulled a little left. You don't wanna get that aligned. That panda falls out of that tree seven times a day. So, imagine if you had a-- - Yes, if you had a panda equinox, I'd guarantee you had to get an engine at least twice. - Yeah, they're like, except, yeah, especially if it's, especially if it's an equinox, yeah. That one's named equinox. That one's had two engines. - It's had two engines. - Set two engines in that. - Yeah. Three miles after the warranty was up. - Yeah, right. (laughs) - You know what's weird? Is there newest animals to sloth? It's like, that sloth moves so slow. That one's only four years old. That one's new. - Yeah, that one's new. - Yeah, yeah. - True question. - That one's new. (laughs) - Hey, everybody. - Meanwhile, there's a skeleton eight feet in front of it. That one? - That one? - 45 years. - Yeah, that one's older than the zoo. That one's older than the zoo. - Yeah. - That one's older than the zoo. We pulled the zoo around with the zoo. We said, well, we got one of these. - Let's build a zoo. - You know? What do you do? - We gotta build a zoo. (laughs) That's our slogan. What do you do? - You build a zoo. - I like it here. - We got one of these. (laughs) - Should we turn it in? Nah, a zoo. - Zoo. Dude, you know how. I'm a, my house on a double lot. I got room right here. Put up a shed. - We got a zoo. - We found it four feet to the left. (laughs) - We had to factor that in. We built a zoo. - 45 years ago. - Yeah. - You gotta play for the wind. - No, that thing ain't moving. You're fine. - You are fine. - Okay. - Yeah. - I like the toys. We got one of these. - We got one of these. - We got one of these. - You. - I don't know why. - We got one of these. - Yeah. - We got one of these. So yeah, you know how many other animals we got? - Hey, we gotta start. - So if you're in Brevard, what do you do? You build a zoo. - You build a zoo. - 'Cause we got one of these. You know? So how about you? How was your week? (laughs) - This was actually a little while back. I got to talk about it. - Yeah. - I did a 5K at Brookfield Zoo. I'm not making this up. - Oh, nice. - I did the SNF's Ham Daddy, Matt Drufke. - Oh yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - I also formally produced her SNF Emily. - Gotcha. - And her boyfriend, Cam, originally from Juliet, released from the toilet. - Oh, he's got a great time. I would actually beat the sloth. - I was just saying. - Yeah. - I wish I had known to ask, like, what are the age of these animals? - Yeah, they're on the podium. - Yeah. - They're on the podium of the sloth. - Was this an old one? 'Cause I feel bad that this guy beat me. - Did he start here? - No, but he's like, he said I'm going to do this. I'm getting, like, I did that when I was, like, really getting in shape and running the 5K all the time. I was like, hey, come on along. Let's do it. Let's have a, that checks out 5K. Never happened. - Right. - He's like, let's do it. So I signed up with him and then two other people signed up with him and no one else. - Yeah. - Well, we had a good time. We had a lot of fun. - Was your, your time was better in sloth time? - Yeah, I hope so. I didn't actually ask. - Nice. I don't want to know. - Yeah. I don't. - Is the sloth riding the sag wagon? Oh, just me? Okay. - Yeah. What's weird is the sloth didn't even, uh, didn't even have to stop take a break. You know what I mean? You're like, how do you get here already? You start here? Where did it come from? Oh, on this thing, I was practicing, you know, running. Yeah. - Air quotes. - Air quotes. - No one could see it. Why'd you just say it out loud? - Air quotes. And that's good call. - Air quotes. - That's crazy running. - Treadmill works now. - Really? - Yeah. I got a walk, a walk, what do they call it when it's just like, you just walk on it? Like it has no arms and it's literally just the base and you're supposed to use it with like a standing desk, a wall, a tread wall, a wall. I don't know. It's stuck. I couldn't, I didn't feel safe pushing it over a little bit over three and some change. Right? - Right. - You got nothing to grab on to. - Like literally, and it's not as wide. So my foot would hit the side and like slide down the thing and then it come, hey, I heard a lot of noise up there. Basically like you having a stroke. - Yeah. - It would be, you know, people are checking on you. - No, it's different. - No, they would check on me like, literally, I'd come downstairs later and be like, yeah, I heard some noise up there. Do you know what that was? Like they came up to hear like, hey, I heard a noise. Are you okay? It was, yeah, there was a weird noise earlier. Did you hear that? - I respect that move. - Yeah. - I like that move. - Yeah. - So the other day, I was like, look, I gotta, I gotta at least try it. I'll just get past for the treadmill stops and keep going because I want to put a little incline in it. I want to increase the speed higher than three something. - Right. - I want to do it. Days and days and days, not a problem. But the thing is my mentality is I'm running and I'm like, this is going to go, this is going to go. - Oh yeah. - This is going to go the whole time. It's pretty good at panic running. I guess it's a thing. - That's nice. - Ooh, ooh, ooh. Like, you know, the whole time just totally freaked out and I'm going to lose my mind. - Well, now you're ready to go to like Central Park or something and run that scene. I mean, kids, you might get mugged. You never know. - That's true. - You know? Imagine if you got a cost in your own house. You'd be like, I did not see that coming at all. That'd be crazy. - When do we get a bush? - We got one of these? - Yeah, we got one of these. - Speaking of having a, that's not a sentence I want to use, speaking of having stuff in your yard. - This summer, it was like, hey, I know you hate mowing. I'm going to get a whole bunch of stuff so you don't have to mow as much stuff. - You're going to mow around it. - You used to take me an hour to mow the yard. - Yeah. - Now it takes me two. - Yeah. - And I'm not exaggerating. - Less grass though, right? - Oh yeah. A lot less grass. - Less grass. - A lot more weed eating. - Seems like somebody did your favor. - Oh, for sure. - Seems like a solid. - That's a solid. - Yeah. - Back yard used to take, I would do the front yard in 45, back yard used to take 15. - Yeah. - Now it's still 45 for the front, an hour and 15 for the back. So much stuff to, and you know what, my neighbors hate me because it's like every other week I'm like, I don't care. - Yeah. - So then I'm out there like that gardener last week. Are there any ducks? - Yeah. - I got an over here. - I'm going to look for duck carcasses. - Yeah. - Oh, I hate it so much. - You just motor you see feathers. - Got one. - Got one. - And it's time, like nature, no, mother nature, no, it's like, remember the summer would kind of be like, yeah, it's okay. 400 degrees. - Yeah. - 1000 degrees. It'd always be, I'd either be working or it'd be raining. And then the one day I have all of it's like, oh, I'm going to burn to a crisp. I guess it's moment time. - Wait, is Ted naturally a redhead? We're going to turn it up tomorrow. I think you don't have any time to cut the grass today, but tomorrow, tomorrow heat index of 197. - Yeah. - Oh, so I hate so much. - Tell me you've got it. You probably wear a long sleeve shirt when you do that, don't you? - No, actually this year I've just been like screw it. I stopped wearing a hat. I don't even care anymore. - Really? - I used to. Your collar's turned up, yeah, I know, because my neck is exposed to the sun for two hours. I turned, like I'm wearing this polo with my neck turned up on purpose. I don't remember where we were somewhere. It might have been one of the days we were down at Catfish Day, someone was like, hey, your neck started up. - I told you that. Was it you? - Yeah. - And it was the same thing. It was like, yeah, I know. Yeah, I'm trying not to die. Cut to that was in July. Now we're in the beginning of September. Don't care. Just let it burn. Let it burn, baby. We don't need to water, let the Ted Wilson burn. We're good. You know what's weird, though, is I would think with all your brands and money and you haven't been to Branson? I am a landscaper. I just have somebody cut the grass. Branson money. You know what I mean? - That's mostly share. - Oh. All right. You know what you're talking about. - I am just sharing the show for her. - I don't really have the Branson. - Understood. Understood. So, hey, how about a fun fact then? Can we do fun facts? - Let's do it. - Okay, here's the first one. This testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took a hundred years for men to realize that the brain is all so important. That's solid news right there. - No, these are the same, I'm being the scientists are out. - Every time I learn something about cricket, I know less about cricket. - Isn't it wild? - Yeah. First off, cricket seems like a very violent game, okay? - Jerry is the king of just like we've talked about something. We've moved on. He drops a Sid. - Killer. - Yeah. Yeah. Wait, hold on. So first off, it is this show. Question on the board, ever feel not so fresh down there. Answer A. It's perfectly natural. Answer B. Ask your mother. Answer C. Here's a life lesson. Answer D. That'll answer. Oh my God. Ew. - I love Jerry. - Yeah. I feel like B could also been the peas backing up in the shower train. I feel like it might also work. - If it's getting to your not so fresh area, that's deep. - Yeah. Are you sure you're in a shower at this point? - Did you bring a snorkel? You should not be in the shower ever again. - That's a tub. - You're in the jacuzzi. - That's a tub. That's a tub in the plug is in. I don't understand what you're doing. You should have really thought this went through. So now that said, by the way, I also go with OMGU. That's what I go with. - All right. Start your clinic again so I can get back on it. - No. In 1874, we protected the GI Joe guy. In 1974, we go, "You know what? It was your put a helmet on because it kind of hurts me to get hit in the head, too." - Well, I'll tell you that the first guy that ever were a hockey mask in a game, he took Jason Voorhees. - Yes. Okay. - Exactly. It was his mom. - Yeah. - That was who was in the first one. - Yeah. - He took a destructive puck to the face. He went out for the second period, I think. They reconstructed it and he came back and he had to wear a mask basically because he looked like Jason Voorhees. - Right. Yeah. - Yeah. It wasn't because someone was like, "Hey, you know what? They're flinging these at bullet speeds right at our face. Maybe we should protect it." Some guy was like, "Uh, you're Grot. You're D." - Yeah. - Oh my God. - Oh my God U. - Yeah. - Please put a mask on for the rest of this game. - Could you imagine? So you're like, "Listen. No one gets more action than hockey players." And Nick, I afterwards like, "Wait a minute, you're going to go home with the goalie?" And he pulls a mask off. You're like, "I will take D." - Thank you. Grandfathered in. All right. So when you got in the league, you didn't have to wear a helmet so you still don't have to. - Okay. Yeah. That's all good. - We haven't proved that it's really necessary yet. Why? Because it's expensive. We can't make helmets for everybody. - Sound good. - Yeah. Me. Me no need helmet. Me talk good English. Yeah. But imagine going, "Listen. This hurts." And then waiting a hundred years ago. You know what else hurts? - Yeah. You know what else hurts? - You know what else hurts? - No. We put a helmet on the G.J.O. guy. - Yeah. - Maybe. - Yeah. - Maybe. Put a helmet up here. - Do you got a bigger one? For my G.I.O. guy. And for my head. And for my head. So here's my second fun fact. This one has nothing to do with alligator testicles. But they can. Alligators can climb trees. They like to bask on rocks. But if there are no rocks available, they'll climb a tree and bask on a branch instead. Which now leads me to freak out even more, that I'm going to have an alligator fall on me. Imagine when you're already looking in the water, you're looking all around. - Two day. - Yeah. - I walk into a store that is close to where I work. I have a short amount of time for my lunch. - Gotcha. - But I need to go to a store. So I went to the closest one. - Yeah. - I walk in door left. I don't know why I had numbered it. - Yeah. - Door left. And I come out door right. - Yeah. - What I didn't see because I went in the left door is that they're working on the shingling right above the other door. I walk out. I see a guy in a yellow. Like, you know. - Oh, like a vest. Safety vest. - Construction vest. - Yeah. - Screaming to someone above me in Spanish. - You speak Spanish? - You speak Spanish? - This is my deficit. This is my mistake. This is my fault. I don't speak a lick of Spanish. Also, again, I'm talking straight to your face right now. - Yeah. - Jerry should not be assuming that I'm talking about him, right? - Right. - Because I'm not looking at him. - Right. - Guys, looking straight up. - What? - What? - Perhaps he's talking to Jesus. I don't know what he's doing, but he's looking straight up. - Close. - Okay. - Go ahead. - Don't even... - Hey, man, I'm on the roof, man. - Anyway. - It's a parrot, right? - It's a parrot. - He's trying to tell me that there's a guy above me working on stuff and stuff's going about to fall off the roof. Please don't walk through here. - So he's talking to you, but I contact his upstairs? - I think he's also telling the guy, "Hey, there's simultaneously, simultaneously if you're a deck." - Yeah. - He's trying to tell me and the guy, "Hey, don't be careful. There's a guy down here." And he doesn't mean, "Hey, be careful. There's a guy up there." Was it all in Spanish? - Yeah. - Which I can use to walk out of the portico. I get hit by stuff coming off the roof. Not much. - Did you fall down? - You should have felt that. - I should have. - Well, your daughter wasn't there. What's the point? - Yeah. - And then... - But here's the kicker. Here's the part you're going to love. He's like, "Oh, sorry, man. He speaks English." - Thank you. - Do it. Do it. Do it. - Thank you. - See? He runs all the way over there. I can see him. He's jogging. I'm going to give him a run on that one. - It's a seven step. - I'm going to give him a run on that one. You should have been at the zoo. - Hey, you know, I do that and I come back and I'm like, "Hee!" And so then... - "Hee!" - I'm like, "He walked over there." I'm just going to say, "Hey, man, I'm sorry." Whatever, it's fine. It wasn't that much. - Yeah. - It was literally, you know... - It's a hammer. - It's a hammer. - I almost was like, "You know, in the store, they sell tape." - Right. - Not sticky tape, but tape that'll prevent people from walking through here. - Yeah. - Or if they do, it's on them. - And one side. - It says cautionado or whatever it is. - Yeah. - Or yeah. - Right. - What's the one for wet for? - Allegro. - Yeah. - Danger. - Allegro. - Anything. - Yeah. - Except a guy not looking at me, screaming up to a guy above me, like, "Oh, that's..." - Yeah. - That message is for me. - Yeah. - It tied in really well with your... - But I'm going to be honest with you. When I look at you coming out of the store, nothing screams, "Speaks Spanish this guy more." - Yeah. - Than seeing your face coming out of the store. - Yeah. - Now's the time. Tip it. - You know what? - Also, I don't know if you caught my story. There's another working door. - Right. Yeah. - You might want to rope this one off. - Yeah. - Rope this one off. - Rope it off. - Yeah. Rope it off. - Rope it off. - We got one of these. - Yeah. - How do we use it? What do we got? Got another door. Got one of these. So let's put a store right here. We'll put a second one in. We got one of these. - Oh my God. - I like to wait. You say that with such, you know, grace. - I am very phenomenally smart. - Phenomenally smart. - Yeah. Here's my third and final fun fact. - I have not had that seat in a while. - Yeah. - I keep getting tangled up on these arms. - It's kind of weird. - It's just a don't have it. You know what I like? - Arms on my chairs. You know what I don't like? Being strangled by the court. - I got to be honest with you. - I know. I'm a huge fan. - Big fan. - Big fan. - Yeah, Joe fan. - Here's my third one. When a Roman Emperor Nero's wife died, he found Sporus, a boy who resembled her, had his testicles removed and had him appear in public as his wife. - Oh, okay. Here's the thing. - Yeah. - Was he, first off, I'm sorry that his wife had a neck beard. Secondly, my bad. Was he pretty this, you say Sporus? - Sporus. - Sporus. - S-P-O-R-U-S. Sporus around naked? Who's going to know he doesn't have any heads? - Yeah. - Okay. Good news, bad news. You're going to be my wife. Is that the bad news? - No, no, no. - No, no, no. - No, that's way worse. - Way worse. - Way worse. My wife did not have testicles. - Yeah. You know all my wife didn't have? That looks almost like my wife. - Yeah. Almost. - You don't want to fix that? - Yeah. - No, are you going to look at my testicles? - No, no one can't. - No, you are absolutely right. They're wearing robes. They're like, yeah. - Yeah. - The Romans. - My wife had a really big belly button. - Yeah. - I'm going to have to drill that out. - Yeah. - No one can see it. But also it just mentions his testicles, but not his spectacles, if you don't, you know what I mean? - Right. - Right. - Did he leave the, you know. - Did he leave the Frank? - So the wife, the wife. - The wife had a Frank didn't have beans. - She had a G.A. Joe guy. - She had no. She had no way. Okay. So what we're going to do, what we're going to do right now, we're going to take those off. All right. We're going to need to lop those off. He brings out the pruning shears. - I got this. - Should I shave this? - No, she had the neck beard. - Yeah. Oh yeah. Okay, look, we made a statue, maybe Nero married a dude. This didn't know it. - Yeah. - Nero, I got news for you. You married a dude. You know? - Yeah. - So you know what would have been weird if she'd been like, those got to come off because my wife's from nowhere near his pictures. It's like, hold on a second. I got two things to say here. One, nuts are staying. Okay. Two. What? - Okay. - I'm this guy, right? - Yeah. - I think I would immediately just figured my face. - Yeah. Right. 'Cause it even longer looks like his wife, Jerry. You're giving me that look like, why would he do that? - Yeah. See? You want to know what's weird? My face? I don't care about as much. It's my testicles. - Right. - That's with me right now. - Right? - Okay. You want to know what I use more than my face? Okay? It's all good, right? - Well, no, this isn't checking out. No, and I'm just saying- - You know your mouth is on your face. - Yeah. - Hey, that's a favor for everybody. - All right. I'm willing to do that. - I didn't say I was opposed to people. - Right, yeah. That's why I said it didn't make sense. - So, but yeah. And again, he found a boy. When you start looking somewhere else, you're like, hey, yeah, first question, not are you going to miss your testicles? First question? You have a sister. - Yeah. - You want to know what's weird? Do you have a sister, a mom, an aunt, a cousin? Anyone in your lineage that I don't have to lop all stuff to make you closer to looking like my wife? - First question would have been, hey, have you ever met Chris Hansen? Okay. Because you are looking at the wrong, you're broken up the wrong tree there, Chachi. It is what it is. - I'll tell you what the Latin word for catfish. Sometimes I get those bones in my spaghetti. You ever get that? - Cool. - Yeah. Catfish bones? Oh, how are you rinsing it? Okay, you're putting it in sync. I got you, Nero. Okay. Three things. - Yeah. - Don't rinse it in the sink. - I would also set the whole town on fire. - Yeah. Right. Right. You know, when are they going to build that Roman wall? Okay. Because I'm going to tell you right now, I'm going to put my balls behind that wall. Listen to like the Roman doctor tells him what he wants to do. Sport has dropped around. He's like, quite a hug on this guy. That's an add-out and a half right there. Is your doctor named Chuck in this story? Roman Emma. - Chuck-a-guess. - Yeah. Roman doctor. Chuck-a-guess. Yes. Yes. So. - Wait, #unleashthebeast. - Yeah. - #90. So anyway, your wife listens to this. - I know it's weird. - Yeah, it's weird. So anyway. - Yeah. - Chuck-a-guess be lapping sacks. And then next thing you know, he's like, yeah. - Well, you got to leave this. This is an impressive arc. - Yeah. This one, this one here. - I'll take the eggs. - I got to be honest with you. Yeah. You got to leave the prank. - Berries are gone. Twigs stand. So by the way, Twig branch, my friend branch. - Wow. I am not a fan of this. - Yeah. This is Gulp. What is this? That checks out population one and then the parenthetical and one sidekick. - I like that. - That's you. It's very solid. So anyway, we're done with fun facts. I don't know where we go after that. But I am going to read. - Way to wake out. - Yeah. - I hate actually. - I knew that's why. I had to get you back here for the sidekick. - Yeah. So remember when I did a couple of weeks ago, I did missed messages where a kid got hit by a car and somebody went four-paws. Where's four-paws? You remember that? - You get hit by a car right near the four-paws. - Four-paws. - Yeah. We go into those? - Wait a minute. What happened? - I do. - I don't remember going. - So anyway, I have another missed message. I kind of like this theory. You ready? A woman donated her kidney. - Got it. - To save the life of her boss. - No, I mean, I have it. - Yeah. - Who then fired her for taking too long to recover. I think you missed the underlying messenger, Diane. I don't think that when Brenda takes an extra couple of days to leave, I don't think you fire her. I say, what if this is a long con and he hired her off of the donor list? - Oh. - Like, it got him in good grades. You know, it got to be friends and everything. He worked friends and everything. And was like, I'll give you my kidney. Oh, would you? I didn't even know that was a thing. And then he just turns HR and be like, get the paperwork ready. So what's weird is she sits down and he goes, hey, what would you do for this job? I would give my left kidney for this job. What would you do to be employed? And then, and then back, flashback back to a sports. What would you do? The left nut. You're going to give them both. You're going to give them both. All right. I'm just telling you right now. It's going to be the emperor's wife. It's a two for one, dude. You're giving them both. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah. I got a coupon. Yeah, they're both coming off. But so she gave her kidney. She's a little slow to recover. You know why? She's down a kidney. Right. Okay. Body's fighting. Boss bouncer right back. Yeah. She's like, I was at work Tuesday. I was at work. I don't know where you are. So you work from home. Yeah. That's neither here nor there. So you're not here. So you're not here anymore. But again, I think you're right. I think she went to the donors list. And she's like, hold on. You know what? She probably asked? Like the application said, what's your blood type? Yeah. What's your blood type? What's your recovery time? Yeah. That's it. Light on the resume. Yeah. That's what it is. Oh, yeah. You said you'd be better in a week. For six weeks. It took you six weeks one day. You're out. Okay. I'm just telling you right now. Hope you put a zipper in it. But I need that one. Yeah. Yeah. So thank you. You've been a great asset here at White Castle. Yeah. Well, you've been here. But please turn in your smock and you're free to go. Please turn in your smock in your other kidney. Yeah. You're free to go. Your other kidney. I found this kidney loss and found. Does this belong to anybody here? Because it's not going to take it. Yeah. He's just spinning. Turns out I didn't even need it. Yeah. Here's a spin. It wasn't even. I didn't even need it. Yeah. So where do you have it? I have it in a jar at home. Yeah. So could you either never know? Yeah. You never know. You just never know. You. You never know. So I just thought it was real great. And it's too. So it shows a woman like crying. But I mean, I'm sure these ain't the real women. You imagine though, like the lady that they claim. Fired her. She looks sinister. This woman literally has the one up for everyone. My waf, my waf, what is the waf? Yeah. I have a stroke. Wafting. I hope so. God don't. I hope so. I mean, if it ends this, me too. Dreams come true. My boss is the worst person in the world. Oh, no, no. I can top that. Yeah, hold on. Hold on. Always the one up. Oh, that's the one up. There is one like 75th of my boss that is awesome. You know why? It's part of me. But that's, you know what? It's the part of me that's in my boss. That's the, nothing gross. First off, that's how you get promoted. That's not how you get fired. I don't times have that. It's not how you get attention. Yeah. It's part of me. Part of me is in my boss. So, no, what I think is she sit at the bar. She overhears the story. And she slams your nose. Could be worse. You know what I mean? Could be worse. Could be worse. Does your boss have your kidney? Does your boss have part of you in them? Yeah. I gave everything. I did fire you. I gave everything to that place and they fired me. Did you give them your kidney? You know, I mean, it's always a one up. You know what? I would disown this lady if she was in my family. I'd be like, I'm never going around you. Because you're going to tell the kidney story. It's always going to happen. It's always going to happen. You know? Well, let's sit around and hear the classic story. No, no, no, not at Christmas Carol. We have to hear about Carol's kidney. Yeah. Christmas Carol's kidney. Is there three Ks in that? Let's rethink that one. Yeah. First off, they're all Cs. Yeah. Except for kidney. It's kidney with a C. Oh, like Sydney. Well, that doesn't even... Well, take that. You took her Sydney? I don't even know that works. Is that... That sounds dirty. I took her Sydney. I was the first one there. I took her Sydney. So anyway, here's a TCO of the week. Are you ready? Starts with... Guess what two words it starts with? Florida Man? Yes. You go ahead and read it. Florida Man arrested for dry-humping stuffed Olaf toy at Target. This? This guy's... And by the way, when you look at him, he looks like an... He looks like he's from... What's the movies that I don't watch? The ones, uh, Harry Potter. Yeah. He looks like he's an elf or something. Well, I was gonna say it looks like, you know... He's definitely a stuffed animal humper. You can look at him and tell it. He's got a little bit... At work, we do these meetings at one point. I was like, "Do you want me to read half of it?" 'Cause there was one person leading it. I was reading all of it, and I started doing it. Turned right around. Yeah. I was literally reading the meeting notes at work like... Florida Man arrested for dry-humping stuffed Olaf toy at Target. And I was like, "You're really good at talking out loud." I'm like, "Thanks." I know. Yeah. I do it every week. Yeah. For an hour. By the way, I do it on the 21st. I do it on the 21st. You can come see me talking out loud. So, yeah. Florida Man arrested for dry-humping. They put it in quotes. Well, if he was wet-humping a stuffed animal, that's a wholly different story. Yeah, first off. I don't even know that's possible. Yeah. Well, I don't know if you know this, but, you know... Humans? Yeah. They can. Oh, really? Yeah. No kidding. We're gonna call it can tell you about it one time. Weird. So anyway, Florida Man was arrested this week for dry-humping his stuffed Olaf toy and a St. Petersburg Target store. Not only did he do the dirty with the frozen toy, but he tried to put it back on the shelf after he was done. Here's what went down. Well, we know what went down Olaf did. Yeah. Yeah. So, unless it was in reverse and then that's a whole other story. First off, he picked one of the sexiest stuffed animals you can possibly get. Did that care? Right? Yeah. Come on. That happens. Come on. So anyway, Cody meter, they give his name, and it says... Look at it right after his name. Cody meter. Oh. Point number one. And this article, for some reason, is bullet pointed. Yeah. Point number one, Cody meter is a perv. Yeah. It says highlighted in dark. Witnesses literally had to watch the 20-year-old. You didn't have to watch. Yeah. Let me tell you what it is. That is a very good point. You didn't have to watch. Also, this day and age, I don't know anymore. Because you never know who's carrying what, especially in Florida. Yeah. But I think at some point in my life, I would have seen this and been like, "Hey, don't do that." Yeah. Just, no. Yeah. I mean, I would just... Hey, Brian, can you just say whatever you would say if we ever asked you a question? No. No. See? That's all he's got. Even asking him to say something. He's still going to give me the answer I want. Yeah. No. No. No. No. But it says that he took... No. The 20-year-old selected the toy from the shelf, laid down on the floor, and then dry-humped it till he... Yeah. This all happened in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday. Was he... What? Was his neuro-tackle out when he did this? Must be. But it says, "And perhaps, unsurprisingly, the police were called at a scene." I'm not surprised. Were you surprised? I'm not surprised by that at all. Most targets have their toys near the sporting goods. Oh! If I am in a store with my child in the toy section and I see a guy dry-humping and all of it... Oh, he's getting a golf club to the head. No. He's getting a... He's getting a bat. Yeah. Yeah. He's getting a bat to his frozen, if you know what I mean. Hey, Slugger. You're about to get a Louisville. Yeah. Here it comes right now. Yeah. So, it says he got arrested. According to police, that meter willfully and maliciously injured or damaged a real personal property of another. That's put it nicely. Yeah. That is a very vague. Yeah. Well, Anderson... That could be like, "Hey, I willfully backed into your mailbox." Yeah. Well, but here's the other thing too. We know we willfully did it because you don't accidentally fall on an all-off toy and be like, "I'm done." You don't select an all-off toy. Right. Take it to the ground. Yeah. Take it to completion and then be like, "Oops!" Yeah. "My bad." Oopsie-poopsies. You saw the Pileggros sign right there. I slipped on the floor. It is wet. Well, that means man-ish. Not to do this. And it fell into an all-off? Kind of. A little bit. Whatever. So, it says... But it says... And then maliciously. So, he was angrily going at this. He was... You know what I mean? That's one thing to be like, "Well, if that's what you... if you're reduced to." Yeah. If he's being seductive... I mean, if he's like talking to his ear like, "Hey, you went there, you know, and it was hoping that there would have been a grover on the shelf and all they have is all-offs." Yeah. Where's the tip on the elbow? I got this. That thing vibrates. Yeah, you're like, "Oh, man. So, anyway, it says, "After entering the store, he proceeded to select a large... oh, it's a large one, too. Stuffed animal and begin to dry hump it." Okay. Then before placing it back on the shelf, then proceeded to the toy section where he selected a large unicorn stuffed animal and dry-humped this as well. No, that didn't make the headline. I don't understand the dry-humping. Why? Why can't they just say "humping"? Does it make it safer for the newspaper to say "dry"? I don't know. But... Because according to what you said earlier... Yeah. Yeah. But imagine this guy... Hey, we had the one-up girl, right? So, she's going to be like, "Oh, man, did your boss give a kidney?" This guy's sitting around. He's like, "Yeah, well, did you ever hump a snowman and a unicorn in the same day?" I have. Do you want to hump a snowman? Yeah. Yeah. So, it says, "The damage of the property said to be $200 or less." How much are they charging for this unicorn in this? Or less. Yeah, or less. Yeah. So, for a humping... It doesn't... The wheel doesn't go further than $200. Was it less than $200? Less? Okay. I guess it was a type... Was it $6? I just have to write in or less. That's less than $200. But it says, "Instead of denying that it happened, which was likely impossible due to the security cameras..." And apparently his... And the onlookers... And the onlookers. Right? You said peanut. "Meeter admitted to the police that he was guilty of doing stupid stuff" in quotes. Listen. Yeah. I want... This is going to be my thing from now on. Okay? What? What? Anything. Anything. I'll just look at the call. We got one of these. Yeah. I got one of these. Sorry. I was doing stupid stuff. Sorry about that. Yeah. The fact that you can't tell what we're pointing at or... Yeah. ... are alluding to... You use your imagination. But it says according to his dad, he had a history of this type of behavior. So, here's a deal. You probably don't have any stuffed animals at home. Or if you have, they've all been accosted. It's true. Okay? If you do this to one stuffed animal... Yeah. You're losing all your stuffed animal. Correct. Yeah. You want to know why I took everything away? You want to know where the would be is? You don't even get one in this situation. Yeah. Stop rapping your J.I. Joe guy in the would be and I won't take it away from you. Okay? But you can't do that. I know it's soft, but it doesn't matter. So, then it says, "His dad was not in the store at the time of incident." Could you imagine if his dad, like the whale, was being the wingman? His dad's like, "You got that, Olaf. You take that. Olaf." You know? Or he tells him he's like, "Oolaf. Good selection, son. High fives him right before he starts." That's a dad you need to have. That's kind of brings orange slices to practice. That's too close to it. To practice. Oh, yeah, yeah. Hey, by the way. Also, if you were to walk past your son in that aisle, I'd be like, "Wow, look at this freak." Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Where do you think this guy comes from? I've never seen this guy before. Yeah. Meanwhile, I got Chuck's dad hand on. Look at Cody. I assume his name's Cody. Yeah. He looks like a Cody. Cody with a C. I bet his last name's definitely not my last name. I know that. What a loser. Literally covering a Cody senior on your shirt. Yeah. So, it says, "Don't worry. The violated toys were removed." You want to know what makes me feel much better? To know that if I ever go to Target to buy a toy, it's not been pre-humped. Well, I can presume that if they caught someone humping it, they took it away. Could you imagine if that's in the markdown bin? Yeah. It's pre-humped. Yeah. It's like, "Okay, listen. Gently." Yeah. Gently. No, I said maliciously. Why do you broke this thing? All right. Why is it all matted? Yeah. He wasn't like stroking the back of his head and going, "You're so beautiful all off." He was doing none of that stuff. This is malicious. This is all matted and gross. Yeah. This is weird. I'm going to go and put it in the washing machine. I wouldn't do that. No, I wouldn't do that. Protein is hard to get out of clothing. Yeah. And it says the toys were, in quotes, destroyed since they can no longer be sold. So, do you mean to tell me... You know, you mean to tell me they walked that back to someone like some teenage kid working in the back, "Hey, I need you to bread the paperwork on this. It's been destroyed." After they... Well, it's prevention. Yeah. Kids, hold on. What happened to it? You're not going to hold it by that end. Like, you're doing right now. Good news, bad news. Good news. I'm not holding it anymore. It was dry-humped. Yeah. Doesn't feel dry to me. Yeah. So, again, if we can just go back real quick, if your name, we'll call him Cody. I like that. But his name's not Cody. Yeah, Cody Mater. That's right. Cody with a C. So, yeah. You know his dad's like, "I know it's not pronounced matter. I mean, meter. I mean, whatever. It's not my name." Yeah, it's meter, but not like the measurement. Yeah. It's like someone who makes meat. We can clearly see because it's in Olaf right there. It's not a meter. We can all see it. All right? Oh, God. By the way, thanks for watching. You know. What do you turn around? Everybody's clapping. They're like, "Oh, my God. That was malicious." You know. So, anyway. You have a point. If this was on the internet, people would pay for it. You do it in Target. It's something that's weird. Yeah. Suddenly, you're getting arrested for $200 or less. Yeah. Here's the deal. If you're going to show it on to the Monopoly board. Yeah. If you're going to start an only fans, buy this stuff to animals. Take it home and do whatever you want. You need the startup capital. That's the problem. Oh, that's what he's getting. Yeah. Yeah. If I can get a thousand followers. He was busking in Target. Just put a little cup out. Yeah. If I can get a thousand followers, I will bang that Olaf in Target today. Two? That's enough. It's close enough. I got two. It's close enough. Yeah. It's just Mom and Dad. We support you, son. Yeah. We support you. And then you know what's great when he gets done. He's like, "You can see that unicorn when I walked in." Yeah. Who knows the Cody, man, I mean, two times and the same, I mean, I rode this Skyliner twice. Yeah, I didn't even take a nap. Right. You know what I mean? Maybe he ran over. We don't know that. Oh, yeah. You're right. How long did you take for the cops get there? You never know. Yeah. You know, they don't seem to care. Yeah. The onlookers are like, "We're not going to wake him up." Odds are we got groceries in his cart. We don't want to wake him up. That's the thing. You walk in a Target for one thing, suddenly you're distracted. Yeah, suddenly you're watching. Something happened in here. We shouldn't remember that. Whatever. It's fine. I think it's tough to animal, I'm going to put all my stuff in here. I'm going to stay there and watch. Yeah. I need to lean on it. Yeah. I feel stupid. I feel stupid just staying there and holding my stuff, watching a guy bang a stuffed animal. Did you find everything you need? I found some stuff I didn't need. I'm telling that right now. Yeah. Yeah. You know, this is a great advertisement for just doing, you know, order and pick up in the parking lot. Right. Yeah. Because you know what I wouldn't have seen. Exactly right. It's exactly right. Look. But then, then the downside of that is I wouldn't have gotten to pick out a clean hole off. Yeah. I'm sorry. It's like ChubHub. No, no, no, no, no. You have the wrong. That's not, that's not what I was ordering. No. Thank you. Yeah. We hand selected this whole off. I heard you did. I'm not, I'm not interested in your deck dash. Yeah. I heard him. Yeah. Deck dash. I like that. It means Wang. So anyway. We got one of these. We got one of these. I got a deck. I can dash. It's all good. I'll dash right over there by Mac and I'll jog back over here. So all right. Let's do that. That sounds like you're going to dash over there. Yeah. And then dash back over. Well, yeah. Because you're not going to see it from here. I'm going to have to get a lot closer. Let's go. I got it. No, but that's true. Let's go straight. Let's go straight. All right. I have gotten some really good bird stories. So we have another one. Calla. That's what you talked about murdering a duck. That's a really good story. Here's the opposite. All right. Calla writer woman. Oh, we're going to birth a duck. Close. Circle of luck. Go ahead. Yeah. Calla writer woman. Spends $10,000 to save her beloved pet chicken's life. Mac's already out. Yeah. Talk about waste of money. How many? Right. Yeah. That's a waste of $10,000. It says celetta, not finagle. First bought blue. Easy for you to say. Yeah. First bought. We're going to call our celina. You're my boy. Blue. Bought at a local store for $12, but now it takes $10,000 worth of medical expenses to save its life. I put a $8 bottle of ranch on the table and I would give blue the going away party that he deserves. You're not even doubling the investment. Yeah, I know. Yeah. I would just be on it. I'll see him one more time before I flush than we're done. So sometime, that's what's funny. They're like, you flush your goldfish? I flush my chicken. How are you that? Took a couple days. I processed them. Then I flushed them. Yeah. It's all good. I put them in a medieval torture device. Yeah. Yeah. So you mean my chicken crispy? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I had him. Yeah. He's all good. Sometimes a person's love for their pet can overcome any obstacle, any obstacle or financial hurdle for celita of Colorado or two year old chicken. Two years old. Hey, Mack. How long did chickens live? I don't know. I've never had one survival. Yeah. He's like, yeah, he's the owl. He's like one. Yeah. Two. Three crunch. You mean it? You mean in my yard? Oh, they don't make it two. That's three years. Yeah. So I'm going to say. Look, I love Titan. I love Titan to death. Yeah. I talked to that dog more than I've talked to anyone in my lifetime. Yeah. You know, hugs and cuddles and snugs. If someone came home to me and said, hey, $10,000 to save them, I'd be like, nice knowing you, bro. I'm not because I'm like, I'm not because I'm a dagger just like, it's too much. Yeah. I don't mean Terminator, but when I bring home T too, I don't know if I could save myself if I cost $10,000. If for 10 grand, you're like, hold on, I'm worth more debt than I am alive. Yeah. I'm going to go into debt. Is there any double indemnity on any of my insurance? What are we doing? So it says, blue is invaluable. She only feeds it human food, but she lets it sleep by her side. Well, she killed it. Yeah. That chicken human food. Yeah. Probably spaghetti out of Ted's calendar. That's why it's known. It's no good. This tastes like catfish. Was there a bone in this spaghetti? So it says, now she spent, there's a bone in this hole off. So anyway, now she spent $10,000. Oh, my God, you did not. He moved the microwave. I like it. Now she spent $10,000 on heart surgery and other procedures in order to save his life. She fell head over heels for him when she spotted blue at a local feed store. He's at a feed store. That should tell you everything you need to know. This guy's not long for this world. She bought him for 12 bucks that day. Okay. She's never, never unwavered unlike other chicken owners. She treats the animal with tender care. Hey, chicken tender? Huh? I got it. That's good right there, huh? Chicken tender. Right. Now your daughter's back. Right. It's self. I'm a genius. All right. So anyway, it says, she routinely dresses blue up in heart embroidered dress. First off, blue probably took his own life. Okay. Blue. Blue's like, listen. Check his psycho. Okay. Well, then first off, she's like, I came up with $10,000 to save you and blue's like, no, blue's like until your husband died, I used to be a rooster. Okay. Now you say I look like him. Right. So, oh wait, no, that's a different story. That's an emperor. Never mind. That's, that's all good. But it says blue. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Stapled nuts to it. Ah, just keep him tucked. So it says blue goes on outings to the store like Joanne fabric and Home Depot. They, they've listed stores. If you take your chicken to Home Depot, if you take your chicken to Home Depot and you have spent. Yeah. Five figures to save that chicken. Yeah. You were telling every person in the Home Depot that you spent $10,000 on the chicken. Oh, that's. I will be in line. Yeah. If I'm not the first to say that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I will. Hey, I will choke that chicken right for you. I will do it right now. And this is another. That time stamping me. Oh, but then you're going to get a call from Cody meter it from jail. But what? What? You could choke a chicken and that was Home Depot. That was an option. You can't dry hump and all of that. That was an option. So, but, but to say that I took my chicken to Home Depot, what kind of commercial does that say? Okay. And they let you in. Is that an, is an emotional support chicken? I wonder if it wears a vest. I mean, where's the dress? Yeah. Is he wearing a vest over the dress? Probably. Maybe probably screaming to me not to go out that door. But I don't know because I don't speak chicken. And then as soon as I get hit, sorry, man. He goes, "Palegro, hold on. This chicken speaks Spanish and it can't talk to me." I think I can do three words. Yeah. If you have been milking them all night. I'm going to the well. Oh, I know a lot more words. I know a lot more words. Yeah. But the ones you can say on here. Yeah. I was going to say that. We know lots of words. We don't pay for that anymore. Yeah. So I used to be in the trades. I know the words account. All right. So, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Extraberries, cheese, watermelon, and get the last one. Popped our crust. Max. Safe for chickens? Safe for chickens? I don't know. Probably not. They don't last that long. You know what's not safe for chickens? Max House. Max House. Okay. That's what's not safe. High five. We said same time. Same time. What you said. Can your table be more, you know, suitable for high fives? Yeah. We need a high fivable table. Like you have a punchable face. We need something like that. You know what I mean? She's awesome. Says neighbor. Wow. She really enjoys being held. She's a chicken. Isn't it all you can really do with a chicken? You can't catch it once I put it on the ground. That video, Mac made a host. There was that one chicken that did not want to cooperate. Yeah. That chicken was he was kind of a deck. A chicken was a major deck. He was a cock. Yeah. No, no, no. No, the chicken. Not the guys. Not kind of. So, here's a picture of this lady. Look at her dress. Her dress is covered in chickens. Her dress is covered in chickens. Okay. It's like someone that, you know, would fight a 10 cent library fine. Who knows what's we were not paying for? Yeah. I return that. Tropical Cancer. I return that how to turn the chicken into a human book. I don't know your target. Says in March, 2020, her feathery friend suddenly fell seriously ill. How do you know when a chicken's sick? How would you know that? Mac, Mac, we have a chicken expert in here. They go from like perfectly fine to is that chicken dead? Oh. Like that. Really? There's no middle ground. Like you're not like, oh, I think he's sick. So what dollar amount are you placing on? Mac is throwing implausibility into your story. Hey, let's call fun fact. Fun fact, Mac knows that chickens go from live to dead, just like that. Now, now to be fair, he doesn't sit like he probably is not carrying the chicken around all the time. Yeah. She probably knew it was dead because it went from like being, you know, fine in her arms to suddenly limp. Yeah. Oh, I think this chicken might be sick. We can burn these any all of a sudden. Yeah. Limp chicken. Is that a real thing? It's limp biscuit. That's limp biscuit. That's right. Both gross. Yeah. They both be rolling, rolling, rolling. So it says, it started growing onry and hesitant to cuddle. So my chicken doesn't want to cuddle anymore. I think it's dying. Okay. Well, if I'm a dishonest vet, oh, you know what, you know what that signs of? That signs of a chicken that needs a $10,000 operation. Yeah. Well, I could say that chicken. You want that chicken to play with you again? Yeah. Okay. I'm telling you what, under 10 G calls Mac, I'll give you 100 bucks if you give a chicken just like this. Yes. Yeah. I need a chicken that's like 100 bucks. Keeps with the other 9,900 for himself. Yeah. Yeah. Only Max, like I ain't staple and no nuts on that chicken. All right. I'm just telling you right now. I draw the line. I draw the line at the not stapling. So it says, the chicken was very, I'll begin to sound strained and she couldn't breathe. It was scary in quotes. Her experience as a former veterinarian tech made her, she was a veterinarian tech and she kept, listen, I need to proofread these. Okay. Because right now I want to murder this lady. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I would pay 20 grand to save her chicken. Yeah. If it means she dies. We need to go back in time. Yes. We need to find a lady who's walking a dog. Yes. At a castle. That's what we need. And hand her this lady. If this lady's last name was Montague, yeah. I was so choked this chicken. Yeah. Absolutely. Mac, tell me your time. He looked at me like, he's not even paying attention. He's not. We're never gonna get Damon Choken chicken on this thing. So it says she took it for x-rays, blood test, ultrasounds and an echo cardio gram. Echo cardio. In order to figure out what was wrong. You know what's wrong? You have disposable income. That's what's wrong. Right. Okay. You know what's not wrong? And would still fight a Tencent Library. Fine. Correct. Yeah. Yeah. And you know what? She pray is Bentons. She don't have sweet baby rays. She shops it all day. Like my, like my wife. She would take the quarter out of my wife's cart. She'd just come back. This lady is right here. Yeah. Absolutely. So, but it says blue survived her surgery and is now back to being healthy and a happy chicken. Wouldn't it be great if chickens lived to be two and a half years old and she spent all this money at the two year mark? This would be a lady who would go, go get a, while she's at Home Depot with her chicken. Yeah. Grab a sack of washers, put them into the all the carts, hand them off to people and people like, ooh, I'm getting a quarter and she just sits back like, yeah, you got a washer. Yeah. This is the lady. This would be. Excellent. Yeah. Deck eats. I like that one. Um, I got to be honest with you. It needs more. All right. I don't know. I'm not doing this for you. I used to be in criticized, uh, just so you know, I just said, you know, it looks exactly like the Uber eats thing. Yeah. Whatever you want. Damn it. He's got his hands up and you're like, what the hell do you want for me? So my world. Jay. You just sit there. So hey, second week new studio and the one thing I texted back when I said, Hey, we're going to be in the studio. Yeah. I said, how's the AC situation? I said better. Cause there's more events. Said both. He said both. Let me tell you how it is neither. Okay. Neither. I'm going with neither. I'm going to go with neither. Uh, and here by my feet. Yeah. Pumping out cool. Well, then I'm going to go with, I like how he said it at the corner where he sits. Yeah. In the air conditioning. I'm also going to go with OMG. Ooh. Okay. Cause that's what's going on over here. So it says, uh, the chance I look that one, look at that vent. Yeah. Oh yeah. Look at that one. Tight to the ceiling. Tight. No, we're coming out of that. No, not, not a thing. Not a thing. But it says the, the chicken in your head can genital heart defect. What about the genitals? Yeah. It was cons. It was congenital. Uh, does, that's when you staple into the chicken. Would you have a chicken that is alive long enough to find out it has congenital heart failure? Yeah. That chicken's been around too long. Yeah. Yeah. That's this. And again, not your grandpa. You find your grandpa has it? Said. We're not going to eat it, but we pay the race. Okay. I don't know if I want to eat a chicken that's this old at this point. That's probably tainted meat. Yeah. Yeah. Now I'm mad that she's ruined food. So it says, oh yeah, that's just plain. Yeah, you might as well let it go. So it says a veteran vet, are we at 60 minutes? 65. Nice. Okay. So we'll, we'll wrap this up. In closing. Max, let's come back. The veterinarian specialist also found two major blood vessels leading the animals heart that never properly closed. This is like the tin man and we saved it. It's a chicken. All right. So the experimental surgery cost her $4,000 which is what I do whatever it take. And this is her quote. She is my soul mate. She is the coolest bird. Nope, you don't get it. Yeah. So it says, after it took place, the chickens don't have an enemy is an anatomy. An anatomy. An anatomy. An anatomy suited for traditional open art surgery. So basically they sent a scope down its beak. We got one of these can they find us that I can't top that you bet as that checks out done it. All the socials that checks out w t stands for with Damon and Ted. Audio podcasting studio. Let's move it again. Come on down. Talk to Brian. Set up your own podcast. He'll love it. Don't forget we got Jerry doing the funnies all the time in the video. Check out her page. He puts them all on there. They are hilarious everybody. We love it for doing it. The executive producer, Damon, executive producer, Ted will catch you next time. So that you was in a band with you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does he play? You hear drums. You hear where they met though recently? You know Brandon and each other? Where? Remember he sent us that picture of Disney Springs. Is that you here? Oh yeah. What's that day? At Disney Springs. Wait a minute. He moved. He moved to Florida in 2009. I haven't seen him in at least 10 years. But the grand opening your new studio brought him back to the toilet. Yeah, no, but when I was there at Disney Springs that day, I just kind of like looked across the shop I was in and I was like, "Is that Alex?" That's when you're like, "Alex!" "Alex!" No, no, I didn't yell. I literally jumped him like I ran up behind him. Oh, on his bums. And I asked him. He was with his lady. He was like, "Is that John Wish?" Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is that Keanu? Keanu, no, no, no, no, no, no, he brought that from home. He's not supposed to be out. Holy shit. Amy just pulls him back. He's not supposed to be out. He's just, I'm sorry. He's just not for everybody. (laughing)