Memory Care with Teresa Youngstrom
Lighten the Load of Dementia Care
It's always great to be with you, and I am so glad you're here. You know, my company is a better approach to memory care, and the goal is to just get this news out that there are better ways to do memory care than just, you know, dishing out medications and reprimanding and yelling, and yeah, it can be so frustrating, but you know what? It can be so rewarding, and they're just a great techniques that even this old nurse needed to learn. So that's why I'm here, and I hope I can lighten the load for you and help your season of caring for someone with memory care. It is a season, but it can seem very, very difficult at times, and you'll need help. You'll definitely need help, and that's why we're here. So today I want to do, well, I want to remind you that in the show notes down below, we're offering a couple of bonus pages, and so I hope that you will go there and check that out and sign up to get those bonus pages. We have an amazing tool for you, and yeah, it's taken some time to put this together and a lot of years we're working with folks to come up with some ideas that work for most people, and I think most of the ideas there will work for you, and it does say copyrighted, but you're here listening to me, you have permission to share this. You just need to put in your email to get a copy emailed to you. So again, a better approach to memory care. I'm Teresa Youngstrom. I'm glad you're here. Let's get started. So I get a lot of questions doing podcasts after they go out to all these different social media platforms. I do interact with a lot of people, in addition to being a consultant and being a speaker and being a trainer and a podcaster now. And so I got a question about location changes, and they ask, is it a big deal, little deal to change location for people living with some type of a dementia? And here's the facts. Change location is very difficult for most. And the reason is, if the short term is damaged, and in most types of dementias, not all, but in most types of dementia, the short term is damaged. That hippocampus, you know, it should be sticky in layman's terms. It should be a sticky place where thoughts and experiences come in, and then when you sleep, they go to long term. That's how this brain normally works. So when it's broken, and the hippocampus isn't sticky, and we don't have short term memory, and sometimes they remember things if there's huge impact, but sometimes not even that. But short term memory is really damaged. And so when we change their location, they're waking up the next day, and all of a sudden they don't have any idea where they are. They don't remember the transition, they don't remember frequently. And so there are right and wrong ways to go about that. I would say, if I start with the wrong way, I sometimes get a family member who really doesn't want to hear what I have to say or anybody who's, you know, tip a snow or any of the great teachers out there that have better ideas on and great technique on how to do some of these things that are different from what the average Joe might think with their using their logic would be a great way to transition somebody to a different location. But sometimes I get a family member, they're not really interested in listening to anything I have to say, they swoop in, and they find a place, and they just put their person drop kick, you know, I wouldn't say drop kick, but they do place their person there. And they're like, you know, like it's done deal. And I just want to hold my breath because who knows? Who knows how that's going to go? Who knows if the staff is really trained? Who knows how much attention they're going to get? We transition people sometimes and I'll get a call that, you know, that night, Ms. Mary was wandering around the halls, wanting to go home, wanting to go home. And they didn't know how to guide her gently back to her room. And so it things erupted. And she became combative thinking that she had been abducted or assault was being assaulted. And next thing you know, we have police and sirens and life squads and someone being hauled off to member to some type of, you know, emergency room or worse. So how can we do that better? There are lots of ways to do it better and starts with great research, you know, even if right now your person is living where they're living, whether it is at home or in a group home or wherever they're currently living, we always need to have plan B. Yes, we always need to know plan B because we never know when the wheels are going to fall off, something's going to go awry. Maybe they just change up their staff or maybe the management changes and all of a sudden there's all these different techniques and they're not working for your person. Or maybe we just didn't transition with enough care and they became combative or difficult. Maybe they're going in other people's rooms and being a disturbance. And maybe with that disturbance, they're afraid and they're using the emergency words. You know what those are, and they're not pretty and they can get themselves in big trouble. But whose fault is that? We're talking about dementia guys, talking about something that they didn't ask for and they're just doing the best they can with what they have left. We frequently have higher expectations from these individuals than it's just not realistic. Our expectations are not realistic. We expect them to be able to adjust and go with the flow. Why can't you just go with the flow? So I got a question just yesterday about is it ever appropriate for a caregiver in a community to be yelling at the resident? I was like, I can't think of a good time unless they're walking into a fire room that's on fire. You know, I can't think of a good reason to raise your voice and yell at someone. And for me, just screams poor technique and they need more training. And I can't beat up a caregiver if the community hasn't taken the time and invested in them to train them. Listen, this isn't just common knowledge. I was a nurse of 30 years and thought I knew what I was doing and I was completely wrong. Completely wrong. And my mom threw me out of the blankety blank house, you know, and that really was a wake-up call to wow. This is so much harder than it looks. And yeah, we assume that, oh, yeah, they have dementia, you know, and you just tell them to go there and tell them to go here and tell them to do this. No, no, they're not stupid. No one ever said they were stupid. They're part of the brain that aren't working, right? But there are lots of parts of the brain that are working great if you have good technique. But I can't, like I said, I can't blame the caregiver if a community hasn't taken time to train up the caregiver because there are better techniques on how to come alongside. In a perfect world, you've probably heard me say this before, in a perfect world when a family wants to transition somebody into a community, whether it's a group home, assisted living, memory care, whatever it's going to be, I want them to bring in caregivers first into their current residency and let them acclimate and learn to trust a couple of caregivers. Is it possible you have to go through a couple of caregivers? Absolutely. Personality absolutely matters, and again, these people need great training. And so, but once you have a couple of folks that they seem to click with your individual, they've got some good technique, what if we transition them with those individuals and we continue to let them care for your loved one in the new community for a few days, few weeks, how about whatever it takes? What a great investment in that person is going to be expensive, sure, sure. Maybe we rally the family to chip in, if money is tough, I bet if you rally the family, you know, people want to help, but when there's dementia, they don't really know how to help and let me tell you, they tend to stay a little outside the area because, you know, they're frightened by it and they don't understand it and so they're not sure how to help and not sure how to give, but there are family members, maybe they just plain live out of town and so they're not able to help much with the day-to-day activities, but what if you ask them to invest in some caregivers to acclimate your loved one to those people at home to the point where she trusts them and they have good routine and then they transition with them into the new community and they're waking up, that person is right there and then we can wean them out as they acclimate and develop new relationships. They can develop new relationships most times, it just takes longer, all right, takes longer. Is it worth the investment? Absolutely. So in a perfect world, that's how I would transition things, but you know, it doesn't always work like that and sometimes the main caregiver gets sick, it's hurt, something like that and then all of a sudden we're at a panic to move the other whether it's a spouse into into a community and we don't give a lot of thought and we might pick the closest place or you know so your so-and-so gave you referral that this is a good place. So I really hope you hit the pause button and you'll do some research on this. I want you to know your plan day for your loved one all the time, even if the situation right now is great and you're you're there at home and everyone's getting along most of the time and things are progressing well, it's always good to know your plan B because if they are if it is a husband and wife living well together or maybe a daughter and a mother living well together, someone can get sick and or fall and it's just these bodies aren't a hundred percent and it's life and so stuff can happen. So it's always good to know your plan B and maybe even you know have your name on a list at a community that you have researched and toured and decided that could be your best plan B. I had a plan B for my mom just in case, just in case the wheels fell off and we weren't able to care for her at home. I did know there was a group home where I was would definitely have transitioned my mom there with caregivers for sure and you know you wean them out as she acclimates but sometimes they end up keeping one caregiver there for a few hours a day just because it's good to help her with her routine maybe you have them come in during her most difficult hours and it helps that season of her day that part of her day stay calm and so anyway just food for thought on all of that but so we talked about is it ever appropriate to yell at somebody why is change a location so important and you know back to the yell at somebody if you check out the bonus page I'm hoping that the bonus page will give you some great tools it's my yes and no page you know or start and stop is what it really is so start doing these things and stop doing those things and then see if your relationship with your person living with dementia seem to get better there's also a page that I saw early on it's an acronym bangs B-A-N-G-S and my friend Susan McCauley from Canada she's incredible and she came up with this and the B is for the caregiver just to breathe and pause and get yourself together get your tone and body language all in check before you go into interacting with someone with dementia because Mayo Clinic says your tone and body language is more important than the words that you're using what yeah it's pretty incredible that's strong and so how can we make sure and of course you know to approach from the front they lose peripheral vision so we always need to approach from the front and not startle somebody you startle them they're going to think they're being assaulted and they will respond and depending on how strong they are they can respond in a very abrasive way and people get hurt so we never want to startle someone with dementia okay but the B and bangs in that acronym is to breathe remember who's got dementia remember who has to change the way they're doing things the A is to accept and agree what accept and agree yeah sometimes you have to bite your tongue and accept and agree but you know what most of it doesn't matter so if they think so-and-so's married to so-and-so or so-and-so's little boy has red hair or they think you know it rained it's been raining for the last week and it hasn't who cares don't we don't correct we don't correct these folks I mean it's really not necessary 98 percent of the time to correct them okay so can we let that go so the B is to breathe A is to accept and agree the N right first of all we never want to argue we never want to argue we don't fight with these individuals so and part of that is we don't correct either I told you that so let that part go let's never let's never fight let's never argue okay it's just not right it's not right it's not acceptable the G is to get over it and get on with it okay what that means that you know they're gonna hurt your feelings sometimes they're gonna say things that their filters might just be out and they are usually for the people closest to them okay and if you're the spouse or the daughter or son that cares for them all the time that's you and I'm sorry that that target is right on your back but it will be and the more familiar they are with people the less filter they tend to have with their words and actions and so we have to really put on our armor and have our shields and our helmets ready to go because to deflect these things now I don't mean deflect like say it and use it back on them I mean you just accept and agree and let them be right even when they're wrong and if they say hurtful things you know what just know that their brains are broken and we need to be able to let that go and come back the next day without a chip on our shoulder or the next hour without a chip on our shoulder and without attitude because they may have completely forgotten the interaction or the incident and you come in bringing it back up or with yeah what do you want now kind of a thing you know that is not gonna go well and I would say who picked that fight we did we did guys brain failure and so we need to be better than that and so the G is to get over it and get on with it it's gonna be hard it's gonna be hard I never want you guys it's just because I'm I typically in a pea I'm a peaceful and a calm person that's that's just how I like to live my life and it's been a lot of years of getting me to this point but this is just where I am and it helps make me better with working with people with dementia but that's just you know we're all wired for great things that's just how I'm wired but I don't want you to ever think that I am making dementia seem like it's simple or easy it's not it is not I had new client over the weekend you know what hurt they're having to change the windows out my house because their person is banging on the windows and breaking the window what yes hard hard hard hard I had a gentleman stacking up furniture to try and get out the windows that were high up in his room you know the it's hard it is hard and sometimes it's just their brain that is damaged and the rest of their bodies in really good shape so physically they're able they're able to walk out they're able to chase you which is not a good thing so there we need to have technique for that but I never want you to think that I am trying to make this all sound easy no not easy but it's doable and we can learn to come alongside and join them on their journey and try and understand better what they're trying to communicate to us and not just throw medication at something when we don't understand why they're why they're doing what they're doing so in bangs the s on the end is so very important and that's to say you're sorry be the first one to say you're sorry in life it's really a good that's that's a good technique just in life in general to be the first one to say you're sorry because it can it can be a great diffuser of their agitation and so I think that's great advice and I need to heed my own advice right and be able to say I'm sorry when I've hurt someone or upset someone so definitely with dementia to be able to say you're sorry is is really really important another question let's see well we just don't want to be we don't want to be the family member that swoops in no swoopers I don't want any swoopers I don't want you to swoop in and think that you know what you're doing better than who's there caring for this person just because you're the POA that you come in and swoop in and make changes sudden changes that usually doesn't end well guys it just doesn't and there are plenty of people like me available to talk with you and coach you through something through a situation on how we can do it better so it's it's not as easy as just transporting them to a location and I also don't like the technique of dropping someone off at the door and not coming back for three weeks that abandonment thing it doesn't sit well with me and I don't think it's great technique at all I think it just puts fear in that person and you've probably signed paperwork that says they can medicate them too so what did we just do sometimes feel like I that's throwing them to the lions and I think in a really great place they would have great technique they'd want to work with the family they actually would want the family to have caregivers come and stay and to help this person acclimate better I think the chances of that working out are increased tremendously when we move in with caregivers I know we've I've told you before it can be expensive but I think it's so worth it hey quick commercial I want you to remember that there's a bonus page going to be in the show notes okay my do's and don'ts my do's and don'ts page it's two pages of suggestions for you great technique and I would bet you that 80% of them would work for your person okay and you can share it with your family members so that everybody's on the same page when we're caring for your loved one the bonus page for September is the yes and no page and so or start and stop page and I want you to I want you to have that so it'll be in the show notes at the end and I'm sure you know about our website right a better approach to memory care Teresa Youngstrom.com Teresa Youngstrom.com there's great resources there you can find the podcast there if you're not someone who wants to surf the web and do you know you're not really computer savvy that's okay just go to Teresa Youngstrom.com and you can find what you need but another great place to find information would be the Facebook page a better approach to memory care on that Facebook page there are lots of shorty videos when I get ideas have different experiences I put a lot of one minute shorty videos there just for you that you can get a new tip or a new idea but the podcast is there to and then what you'll find there too is when I am going to be teaching locally you'll get that you'll get that too so just don't want to I don't want you to miss anything any of the great resources free resources free free resources guys we're trying so hard to make this information available to you so that you can give better care to your loved one okay listen I think that's enough information for today enough suggestions for you to go do you got your homework at your homework page we're going to find the bonus page we're going to find the website we're going to find the Facebook page so that you've got a lot more tools at your fingertips so that you can give better care and you know beyond that if you need a consultation we do consultations we can do one hour consultation to our consultation it can be on the phone it can be on zoom it can be around the kitchen table if you live locally okay I'm in Cincinnati if you live locally and so there's great help for you don't be ashamed to get help everybody needs help in certain areas I was a nurse for 30 years and I thought I knew what I was doing and I didn't so don't be don't be ashamed if you need help we all need help in certain areas we can't be good at everything I wasn't I'm still not okay my name is Teresa Youngstrom and I am the owner and founder of a better approach to memory care and I want you to be able to have all the tools you need at your fingertips to be able to give great care to your person living with dementia bye everybody you got this you you