The Johnny Salami Podcast
J.P. McDade
I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, well, I'm hurting. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] You ready for war, dude? That's lock-in. So I can go to this girl. I'm airplane mode. You're not a big caffeine guy? I am kind of a caffeine guy, but I'll try to limit it to the morning, because I have some after 2 o'clock. Espresso for sure. You're just raw doggin it. I'm cold brew, raw doggin it, yeah. Fuck, man. What type of machine you got? I don't have-- no wait. I have-- well, my girlfriend has a kurig-type thing, but I don't even bother. I just go-- I've been hidden Kirkland brand cans. Oh, shit. From Costco. Costco? Their rocket field is crazy. Oh, shit. 250 grams of caffeine or something. Oh, shit. 50 milligrams of caffeine in each one of them. So that's more than a cup of coffee, dude. Yeah. Yeah, you're trying to rock it after that. Yeah. Dude, Costco, Fox, man. It's just a war zone in there. It's chaos. First time I ever saw racism up close. It's just a 1950s Alabama bus in there, dude. It's a sweat box. It's like a live roast, dude. It is very-- yeah, that's where-- that's actually where Ted Serando said Netflix got the idea for the live Tom Brady roast. They went to Costco one time. They're like, wait a minute. What if we just did this? Straight up light bulb, dude. I get so angry when I'm in Costco. Oh my god, dude. People don't know. It's like they've never been around people before. Yeah, I mean, dude, it's the Asians, man. [LAUGHTER] It's the Asians. We'll be right back. You see the racism there, and then you start hitting the Reddit threads and shit. [LAUGHTER] You see an incident at Costco, you're like, wait. I got to investigate online. I got to get on the Reddit threads. Have you known about racial beef before you moved here? Did you already know what was good? I was aware of America's history of racial beef. [LAUGHTER] That's about as far as I went. I grew up in the surrounding suburbs of New York. My whole family's from New York. So I kind of knew the drill a little bit going in. Yeah. Everyone likes to claim they're the victim, from an Irish family. And everyone's like, oh, man. No one would give us jobs. They would throw rocks at us. It's like, we were fine. Dude, because when I went to Costco for the first time, I was just like, straight up D-Day dude. That's kind of just-- I saw the black dude almost fought an Asian dude. Yeah. I didn't even know they had beef with each other, man. Was this before stop Asian hate? Might have been during, dude. Yeah, the tensions flared up during like 2020-2021. Yeah, this was probably right when I moved here. It was probably like one of the first weeks I moved here. I was like, first things first. Dude, we got to hit up Costco, you know? Get situated. Yeah, but dude, the lines, these guys were dropping back and forth. I was like, this could be recorded. Like, this could be a legit roast. Oh, hell, yeah. But yeah, I didn't even know about that beef, dude, you know? The beef was there. Well, I feel like we were all blindsided. We didn't know that the black delegation and the Asian delegation were at war like that. Yeah. And then it popped up and 2020 people were getting punched. Yeah. Old Asian ladies were getting punched. And then I think they had to sit down or something. They're like, hey, let's squash this. Yeah, squash this beef, dude. I think they squashed the racial beef. Yeah. So he got into the Hispanic people are like in the middle of it all, you know? Yeah, with like the taco stands and shit, you know? They got to keep the peace to preserve the taco stand business. Yeah, I used to have a black friend in college, dude. We would always walk by this taco stand in the city. And he just like, every time he walks by, he would kind of get like a little upset. And I just never put, you know, one or two together, you know? He was upset. He had beef with the taco guy. I think so, yeah. No pun intended, but yeah. There's some sort of beef there. I looked it up on Reddit, dude. I couldn't find much, but I think it has something to do with like territory, like taking up the streets. I see, you know? Yeah, yeah. It's kind of just like-- So it wasn't like over a transaction at the taco. It was like, this is between our people. This is my block. Yeah. Yeah, you know, you serve tacos somewhere else. Yeah. This isn't your block. It's like a real-the-wire situation with taco. They're a Costco, man. Anything could happen. Yeah. And you think it pays off, though? Like when you go, usually like you deal-wise, you know? Like you buying a bulk and shit. You feel like you walk out of there kind of like-- See, that's what I wonder. Because you get the feeling like you pulled one over on them. You bought and bought, you got all this stuff. You got these great deals. But you're paying for the right to get those deals. So I think you got to go a bunch of times for it to pay off. I think you just need to be good with like Excel and shit. Yes. You know? You got to have to have $60 a year. Right. And then you got to factor in everything you buy. I think they fuck you over with like just like the miscellaneous shit they sell. Oh, yeah. You know? I bought like Star Wars, Tupperware, and shit. So I guess you have $500, dude. I was like, fuck, you guys got me. But it's like, where else are you going to find this? Yeah. They got a Star Wars exclusive over in Costco. Dude, I get so angry in there, though. Sometimes I think about seeing like a therapist because of it. Yeah. You know? No, it's just for real. Like I've never been that angry before. It flares up. No, I think it's normal. I think it's because people are people are walking into your heels with their big carts and the people are walking out in front of you and they're pushing into each other. It's the Asian half. Well, dude, if you go on Reddit, which obviously Reddit is fucked, but it's so fun to like go on Reddit and look up shit. I like looked that up. R/Cosco search Asians in the search bar. Is this a problem ever? No. Am I the only one? We love the Asian. Asians might be the ones who broke her the piece. Because I remember I worked at this day job out in Queens, like way out in Queens for a couple of years recently. And there was one time me and this Asian customer, dude, he didn't speak any English. And we both wound up speaking Spanish to each other to get the deal done. Holy shit. And I think they can mediate. They can like speak Spanish within Spanish. You feel like I can do him like in another life? Maybe. We were conquistadors together back in the Spanish Inquisition. Yeah, Asians are always in the way, dude. But dude, so if you look it up and I say that like in Asian countries, like that's kind of just it's so overpopulated that they're always like so close to each other. They're so close to each other, but they figure it out. Yeah, they find a way. They get it done. They're like peacefully close. Singapore, no littering. Japan trains always on time. Yeah, they're they got to figure it out over there, even though they're like sleeping in little pods next to each other. It just goes to show like how homophobic we are. Yeah. You know, we're all afraid of being gay, dude. And they're just straight up homos. Johnny Salami. Because Asians are in the way and they're all gay. So why are they reproducing so much? How do you figure that Asians if they're all gay? Yeah. Well, I thought I think China has like a reproduction problem, don't they? They cut it off. They limited everybody. Yeah, like because of like communism shit, right? Back in the day. Yeah, they said you could only have one. Why do they do that again? I think because they were worried about getting overpopulated. Yeah, you know. But now it's like now they rock. Yeah, they're trying. Everybody cool. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how it's cool though, isn't it like a communist country? I don't know if it's cool per se. But their economic rise is cool. Yeah. The rise of the dragon. They're all wealthy. But that's the thing. I don't think even they're wealthy. They're making money for China. And China's becoming dominant and the rich people are really rich. Like the government is really rich, but the people are still kind of poor. They're just trying to like control shit. Yeah, yeah. Facial recognition. Dude, you know, I don't want to talk too much about Asians. But we love the Asians. Actually, I saw a retarded Asian woman, like a few nights ago, dude. Friday night, I saw a retarded Asian woman. Is that right? Swear to God, dude. Special needs lady. Full on downs, dude. Yeah. Yeah. That is show, too, dude. Really? She was like kind of yelling out. And I was like, how do you handle that? Yeah. So she was yelling queens. She was like queens. Just wrapping queens. Yeah. And I was like, yeah. Representing her. Queens get the money. And I was like, oh, like, what are you doing in Rhode Island? Like, you live in Queens. And she was like, I have insurance. And I was like, that makes sense. She doesn't even want to bother with your questions. She just wants to flex. She wants to rep queens. She wants to rep to rep her insurance provider. Yeah. Well, she even mentioned the provider, though. Get her on the phone, see. What is the blue shield? What do you got? Yeah, maybe like progressive or something. Yeah. Better be fucking good if you're going to rep, you know? She clearly wasn't very progressive. Yeah, she was-- But the insurance is obviously covering a lot, though. Yeah. Like, traveling shit. Get her money's worth. She drove all the way from Queens to Rhode Island. So-- Oh, damn. That's a long drive, man. Good job. Shout out to that lady. Yeah, dude. I didn't even know-- I thought they killed Ritards and all of my god. No, dude, really. In like Asian countries, I thought they legitimately killed Ritards. Oh, man. [LAUGHTER] I mean, they do it in like Texas, right? I don't know. The thing with Texas is like, if they'll have someone on death row, and then they'll be like, hey, this guy, maybe not playing with a full deck, you know? He might be-- he might be a little special, and then they're like, we're going to kill him anyway. Yeah. And that's what we like to do. Did you ever look into that stuff? Death penalty? Just like them killing retarded people in Texas. I haven't looked into it too deeply. Yeah. I feel like I've gotten the gist from like comedy. It's like one of those things where you're like, yeah, I know that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Texas would do that. They would do something like that. Yeah. They'd be like, what are we going to do, not use this cool chair? But it is-- do you think that stuff's like funny, though? Like, as you get older, like the boomer humor? Little boomer humor. Yeah. And then I'm trying to see a lot of it, dude. And it's hard not to laugh at, you know what I mean? Love a good street joke. Boomers love a street joke. Well, they just like to overgeneralize like a whole population of people. Oh, 100%. And that's-- I mean, it's fucked up, but it's kind of funny, dude. It's kind of cute that we like-- we just left them the playground of Facebook. And they just kind of made it their own. And they're sharing like their boomer humor memes. Yeah. They're having a great time. Yeah. They really have like that. I saw it got cracking up the other day. He showed me a meme of a big truck full of coal. And the meme said, BRB, on my way to power all the electric cars. Yeah. You got my ass, dude. So he's probably like, what, like, in his 50s, 60s? 60s, probably. You think he's retired? I think so, yeah. Yeah. See, like, I could just paint a whole picture just based off of that. 100%. Yeah. And if they-- And if they find out you're a comedian, what do they ask you? You tell me, tell me your job. Well, hey, no, they say, what's it like being a comedian when you can't say anything anymore? Really? They love to say that. Wow, that's a compliment, dude. And then they mentioned blazing saddles on cue. They're like, hey, you can't say anything. You know, you could never make blazing saddles today. Yeah, no, that's true. What I get a lot is, oh, is this your first time? That's what I get a lot. That's awesome. Yeah. They're like, oh, that's cute. Like, you're still doing that little thing, you know? You have a hobby. Yeah, that's fun. I have a few friends who, like, their family thinks they're gay because they do comedy. Yeah. Like, they're just like, oh, you're gay? I think there's an undertone there. Yeah. You find out you talk to a certain class of your parents' friends, and they're like, oh, he's like a theater kid. Yeah. Like an adult theater kid who goes on stage. Yeah, like a lot of Italian families. Like, if you don't work in, like, for construction companies or, like, you're not a mechanic, you know, working at, like, town fair attire, like, you're just gay. You're gay for not having that. Or you better be, like, working at a deli at very least. You better be cutting meats. Yeah. Dude, you might be, like, the tallest Irish person I've ever seen. Thank you, man. It's pretty sick, too. I'm up there. You think the Irish people look up to you? Yeah. Are you really that Irish? What are you, like, 90? I'm, like, 99%, like, my dad's all his grandparents are Irish, and then my mom did the DNA test thing, and it came back 99%, and we thought it was going to be less. So it's like, I'm pretty much straightforward. Yeah. Yeah, apparently I had a relative back in the day who was, like, 610. He was, like, the tallest guy in Ireland. Holy shit. And you did, like, the 23 and me shit. You have to jerk off for that, or just-- I hope not, because it was my mom who did it. I don't know how to pull that off. You got to look up the history, though? Yeah, my mom, like, saw her, like, ancestry. But that story about that guy, like, just goes back through the family. He might just be a made-up guy. Yeah. Just a legendary figure who went around just, I don't know, fucking everybody's wife and I. Yeah, legend, dude. He would come to-- you'd go from village to village. So, like, in one village that would be one really tall kid. And he was, like, the Johnny Appleseed of Ireland. He'd just go around plowing ladies. Holy shit. Cranking out a tall baby. Absolute legend, dude. Yeah. And then they all went to the US. I wonder, like, what those dudes are doing for '23 and me. I wonder if it's, like, they got, like, some, like, call centers or something going on. It's just, like, a dude beyond a computer just, like, making shit up. Yeah. Because that would be sick. If you could just make up, like, a, you know, story. It's, like, your Lithuanian now. Yeah. Like, if I had, like, a gay uncle or some shit, like, you just, like, made that up to piss me off. Yeah, if you didn't like your tone over the phone, it's, like, all right, well, here's a little narrative for you. Yeah. You got a gay uncle, pal, from way back. What do you think would, like, what would fuck you up, though? Like, history-wise, like, in terms of, like, your family. Like, if you found something out, like, what would be, like, your ultimate fear? I descend from a number of cops, like New York City cops. So we could get pretty dicey there. They could have contributed to the racial beef. Yeah. America's racial beef. That's where all that cops go anger comes from. Yeah, that would be bad. And it's, like, deeply implanted from back in the generations. I just start hearing bagpipes when I got my car thinking of old, timey slurs from, like, the 1900s. It's an amazing grace in Irish tune. I think it is. That's Scottish, isn't it? It might be Scottish, yeah. That's a fucking banger, dude. It's a church, it's a church banger. Yeah. Dude, that gets pussy wet, dude. [LAUGHTER] I like church and shit. Hondo peed. Hondo peed, pussy wetting, even at funerals. Yeah, dude. That's all I'm thinking about when that church, dude. Like, I wonder if this gets to, you know, start some, like, flash flood warnings and shit. Yeah, yeah. And wooden pews. Wouldn't be a bad question for, like, the priest. Yeah. It's like, bro, do you know when you're up there killing amazing grace? That'd be funny if you just, like-- because they, like, shake your hand afterwards. Like, after every mass. If you were just, like, flash flood warnings, brother. It's like, what? There's an other computer. You just reach the Bible all day. It's not what you're talking about. Whole flash flood warnings, oh, I'll pray for them. I'll pray for the victims. Have you ever had floods? Are you, like, religious or no? No, not really. I mean, I was raised religious. I'm not against it, for sure. But I think, you know, I think as I get older, I think I might be, like, making a little room for that spiritual side and some, at least some, like, woo-woo, hippie stuff, but then maybe, who knows? Maybe I'll ask you something. Yeah, yeah, you never know. Maybe a little bit both, dude. Could come on them. If there's a theory that Jesus was a psychedelic mushroom. I think I'm either going to, like, come out of the closet for, like, not getting pussy, or just, like, get back in religion, because-- Come out of the closet for not getting pussy. Yeah, like, I want to be the first dude who's, like, gay, because he couldn't get pussy. Just, like, hey, man, I failed out. Will you accept me? And that's funny to think of being gay as, like, a safety school. Yeah. It's like, I couldn't achieve-- To be the first one, too. They'd have to add a new letter. Yeah. There's no way anyone's done that, dude, you know? LGBTQ, AI, plus, and then J for Johnny. Yeah, just hate it. I mean, the closest thing we ever came to that was what that movie with Adam Sandler and fucking-- I'm not pronouncing Chuck and Larry. Yeah, it was, like, the closest thing. Yeah, because they needed insurance, but they couldn't get pussy. So, like, now we're married. Yeah, too. Yeah, I do miss-- I miss the chicks at church, though, man. Yeah. Do you ever have some kids from New York's church anymore? No. That was the last time I went. Yeah, I don't know about you. The church is all a little sketchy. You didn't have any, like-- you didn't have any posts at church when you were on it? I don't think posts. No, I don't think posts was really involved, but I mean, there were-- Every now and then, you'd see the girly of a crush on things like she's with her family. You're with your family. No, I didn't mean seeing, like, actual pussy. No, and she would flash you or pussy. Well, I was Catholic, so that's part of the mess. A woman goes up on the altar right after communion, and she just shows beat. She lets it open. Till her and goes home. Yeah, well, Amazing Grace would be playing, dude. Yeah, yeah. Dude, that would be the easiest occurrence. [LAUGHTER] Open your books to Amazing Grace. And then just push. Oh, my god. First time at church, dude. [LAUGHTER] They would have full pews forever. For church, it would be sold out until the Judgment Day. Well, dude, they started to open it up like daycares at churches, because they're going out of business. But like, they should have just done that. Have some sugar opening up her legs to Amazing Grace, dude. You know which business you'd fucking attract, dude? Crazy. I mean, how many comedy shows would sell out if you had the exact same attraction? Oh, my god. There's going to be posts. That's the Naked Show in a nutshell, whenever they do naked shows, like, hey, see some beef. I mean, I might even, like, I wouldn't even watch football on Sundays, just go to church, dude. Just get playing off football to go to church. Or just do like NFL red zone on my phone and see Pussy. Yeah, just like-- Mute, just turn it all the way down first and just be like red zone. Put in the little holder thing for the books. Yeah, dude, see like a pick six and Pussy at the same time? Too Amazing Grace. Now we're talking primo occurrences. Yeah. That would be a beautiful thing. Yeah, I hope fucking churches are listening to this thing. Yeah, get your act together. You think they go to like town council meetings to like present some of those ideas? To like pitch. Yeah, like, do you think the daycare idea came up in like a town council meeting? I think I was in a daycare at church when I was a real little kid. Really? Like, they had this special room downstairs for the little kids who were going to be annoying at church. And they just like let us, you know, run around and heard ourselves while our parents were at church. Yeah, I think we had the same thing. I was so focused on the like a food court. Oh, yeah. I was just ready for that, dude. The little sterno trays with like, like penne and like chicken pakata, stuff like that for aftermath. You guys had fucking penne after mass, dude. That's the whole shit. That's just like the standard banquet meal. That's fucking sick, dude. We just had like brownies and like fucking like a bake sale type. Yeah, I was eating fucking Crayola crayons and shit. You sprinkle them on the brownie. Yeah, she's eating a brownie like staring at some chick out of crush on. Yeah. Her name was Melanie. That's a good crush name. Yeah, especially that church, man. Yeah. You were in the same class, too. Just like thinking about her the whole time. Singing in the choir together. Yeah. She went to my high school dude and she kind of grew up to be like that we call them foyer kids at our high school. Foyer kids. Like a wiggas. Oh, I see, yes, yes, yes. Kind of like a-- Malibu's most of my style. It's a yeah, you know, they would just hang out in the foyer and kind of like throw a shot at people. And do that broke my heart, man, you know, seeing that. Like knowing that I was in love with her at one point at church. And now this is like what? She had strayed so far from Christ's path. I know, dude. I was like, if this is what Jesus wants, then I just have to let it happen. Sure. Jesus loved the horse. I should have like at least like walked by her and been like, what would Jesus do? There's not too late to go back, Melanie. I got to find her on LinkedIn or something. She has some nickname. She calls herself like M-Block or something. She's not even Melanie anymore. She's like a hard R. No, I'm just watching Facebook. Jesus wouldn't give up on her. Yeah. Yeah. But she's contributing to the racial beef now. Yeah. Hate to see it. Whatever, dude. Church, I don't know anyone who was like, I grew up going to church and I loved it. And I think it's great and I still go. Nobody. Yeah. Like our age? Yeah, man, sometimes I drive by my old church and I don't know if they're in business anymore, man. Yeah. You know? That's crazy, though, dude, that like you had penne and like-- I don't know if we had that at that specific event. I'm thinking like if you're going to cater something. I love banquet food, dude. Yeah. Banquet food is the best. You have like a good banquet like we're from? Like a banquet hall? Like for, yeah, like these are ones like for like sports. Oh, yeah, you play sports, right? Yeah, yeah. And you guys would have like a banquet meeting. A little year end, everybody gets a trophy party. Yeah. That's where the penne came out, dude. Oh, yeah. Yeah. For VIP events, such as that, with the little flame. Underneath. Yeah. Maybe a carving station. What do you play basketball? Yeah. Yeah, basketball and golf in high school. Oh, really? And you know, I played baseball growing up. A little bit of lacrosse, little hockey. Kind of did everything. Do you play golf in high school? Yeah, that's fucking sick, dude. Four years varsity, dude. We should go sometime, man. Absolutely. No, I can play today. For real? No, homo. We should definitely swim. What do you play around here? Play it out at Douglaston today with my boy Noah Savage. Funny comic. All right. I lost some money. I'm heated. Damn. So you're like nice with it? I'm OK. I'm like a single-digit handicap. I'm just like decent. I'm trying to get better, man. I just like, I don't know. I see all these YouTube videos and stuff. Like I'll watch like Bison D-Sham Bo and just fucking like shit my pants and like slip a disc. Yeah. Yeah, swing 130 miles an hour and break your back. But there's like that's where some primo boomer humor comes in. Get into the golf stuff. Oh, yeah. Like a country club membership. Yeah. You have a membership or no? No, no membership, but I we know one of these days. Did you ever get made fun of for playing golf? Because I feel like when it might have been gay back then. Back way back like right before I got into high school, it was still on the gay spectrum. It was like LGBT and the G was golf. It was like then Tiger came along. And it was like, yeah, because like when I was in middle school, Tiger started becoming very sick. People were talking about like how much pussy he was getting to. Yeah. Oh, that came about like when I was in college. Like people were like, oh, I had no idea he was getting so much pussy. This is great. I respect him even more now. Yeah, dude. It was sick. Yeah, you can still he's still getting after it. I feel like probably probably running like a few brothels or something and kind of see it in his eyes. He's single now, but he's he's out there. Yeah. I think he's definitely very much out there. For sure. Someone caught him on camera like handing his number to a girl like on like in the middle of a tournament. Like recently, a couple of years ago, it was like respect. I mean, dude, you could fuck a girl like on the green. I wouldn't care to. You know, if you look up the shots, he's made. And then it's like, do you can do whatever you want? Exactly. You know what I mean? So you get it 100% that's sick though. Everybody loves golf. Do you get kind of pissed off that everyone's kind of getting into it now? No, I think I think it's all right. You know, some people are new to it. There's going to be growing pains, but it's good. More people are playing. Yeah, there's more out there for everybody. Yeah, I shot like a 107 the other day. There you go. You know, I was trying hard to, you know, grind it on a 107. Yeah, like some things like, I mean, like you're like, what's your, I don't even know, handicap works. I'm like an eight handicap. It's a complicated thing, but it's like I should shoot like in the low 80s. Yeah, so you're like nasty, dude. Okay. Is that like scratch golf? No, the scratch will be zero. So like scratch golfers are typically shoot 73, 75, somewhere in there. And then occasionally like 69s, something like that. It's crazy, bro. Yeah, there's levels to this ship. Yeah, I'm just trying to be like, because I'm obviously like retarded, dude. And I'm like trying to be like more serious about some stuff. Yeah, because like a lot of people used to get mad at me for like not trying. So I'm like trying to like actually try. Yeah, just to see like what I'm capable of. There you go. You know, how old are you? 28. There you go. Yeah, you're right about that. It's that time that's sad or in return period. Yeah, it's like I'm getting my shit together now. Well, how old are you 35? I'm just like, when did you like, where you like, all right, this is it? Like I'm either going to be like a closet and homosexual or I'm gonna like make it happen. The classic choice that every man must make will I be a closeted gay or will I do comedy? I think I like when I started doing comedy, I've been fucking around with it for like a couple of years in the city and then I quit drinking and I was like, all right, I should get this to get my act together. And I was probably 25 or so at the time. And I was like, you know, I'm not going to screw this up too. Yeah. So like I got to commit to this fully and just like actually give it an earnest effort and go for it. Yeah. Rather than just giving it like an 80% effort and then flaming out and never doing it again. Yeah, 25 is pretty early, man. Kinda. Yeah. And it was like, you know, some you start to see some opportunities, you see people start to like get stuff and advance in the business and whatever and like, you say, okay, it's possible. I could totally do it. Yeah. You don't want to be that guy who's like hammered at a fucking show, like screaming pussy. Yeah. You know what I mean? Unless that's your act. Yeah. That's what you do. Yeah. I still have those thoughts, man. Yeah. Not like doing that on stage, but the mics in the back, like where the green room is, where they like bring up the host. Just getting my God, Mike. Yeah. You've ever been like Greenwich Village? Yeah. Yeah. Get them. Booze. It would be probably funnier than anything that happens at Greenwich Village, comprehensive. It would be in that basement, dude. Oh, that's a scary basement. Basement with the column in the middle. Yeah. When I first moved here, dude, that was like one of the first shows I ever did. Yeah. Well, like the manager go up that mic in the back room and introduce the host. And immediately I was like, it would be so funny to like turn that on during someone's set. Queef, bitch. Boosy. Boner forest. It's like, it's your first time there. Yeah. So I was trying to make an impression. Yeah. You're doing the residency? Yeah. Like, my fuck is this? God, Mike, residency at the Beacon Theatre. Does it introduce everyone like, give it up with this fucking pussy? Jerry Seinfeld? Yeah. Give it up for Helen Keller. Jerry Seinfeld. What? Helen Keller? Yeah, man. I think Helen Keller was for real. Dude. Have you seen that YouTube video? No. There's a rabbit hole there. I was just speculating. Yeah. We looked it up once on the pod, but it is so long. Like, I don't know where the climax is of the video. You know what I mean? It's hard, especially with YouTube, like making all these AI generated videos now. Yeah. It's tough. It's where we were trying to figure out, because it was in black and white, and it was like this lady who-- It's kind of offensive to Helen Keller. Yeah. You know? I know. These colors. Yeah. Should be in fucking-- but dude, it was like this lady who looked like Anne Frank's fucking uncle. [laughter] A lady who looked like Anne Frank's uncle, okay? She was like, all right, Helen. You know? Like, let it out. Yeah. I could fucking speak, dude. You know? Yeah. But at the end of the video, she starts making sounds. And it literally sounds like what you would scream in the middle of a history movie, like during class, just like the most random sounds ever. It's fucking hilarious, dude. Just like a bully in the back of the classroom just making noises to be disruptive. It would be like a special needs kid if he was like deaf. I see. Yeah. And we could all do the voice if we wanted. Yeah, yeah. That's-- Can't adjust his trust. No. It's funnier than anything. Yeah. Yeah. But it makes you think, man, like, you think the hype is real? And Helen Keller was, uh, was for real and not fake in the funk. Yeah. Like when they introduced her in class, like, were you like, yeah, that's bullshit. And when they introduced her in class, I was like, all right, nice. Good job. She was blind and deaf, but she still did whatever she did. She wrote a book. But on the other hand, people were freaks back then, like in the 1930s, whatever. Little lady who was dragging her around might have just been making everything up. Yeah. You think she was, like, a witch tamer? Yeah. [LAUGHTER] She was 100% of W-T. Yeah. She was-- Like, straight out of, like, a PS2 game? Yeah. That's right. If you grab their hat off, they become docile and you can flip them on their back. Yeah. That's how you tame witches. That's how you do it. Yeah. Get them on the back. Get their-- get back control. You pin them back. You pin them on their back and then you just kind of pet their face. You can subdue a witch that way. Yeah. Well, I think that's-- I thought Helen Keller was a witch. I think that sorcery did. True. Yeah. What's your sorcery as well? Wait, was that a-- I'm not really good with history. That was like, when Helen Keller was around, was that, like, during, like, the same witch trials and shit? It was not. Really? No, I think it was-- Helen Keller-- I think it was only-- I think it was 100 years. --the year one. [LAUGHTER] Helen Keller, I want to say. [LAUGHTER] Helen Keller's in the Bible. [LAUGHTER] It was thousands of years old. [LAUGHTER] We would read about Helen Keller in church, actually. [LAUGHTER] Oh, my God. Amazing grace. Dude, that'd be sick if she was, dude, in the same one, witch trials. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] I mean, she walked right off the bat, dude. She'd beat the case. Yeah. She wouldn't really be able to defend herself in court being deaf and blind and all. Well, like, five seconds in, you think she'd-- everyone would be like, "Witch?" Yeah. She'd just go. [LAUGHTER] I mean, it's like, that's one-- Dude, one dinner party. That's a witch noise. Yeah. Yeah. One dinner party she's ruining. Unless she had some homies, dude, we're like, "Yo, keep it down." Yeah. [LAUGHTER] She's like, "Keep it. Yo, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill." [LAUGHTER] Yeah, that'll be wild, dude, to see that for the first time. Like, dude, imagine never not even knowing what retardation is and then seeing that for the first time. You got to think it's witchcraft. Yeah. That's got to be-- Sure. --your first guess. That's like the first Harry Potter movie, dude. That was-- that's Salem was the Texas of the 1630s because they were just executing special needs people. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Texas saw that and they were like, "Yo, let's run it back." Yeah. [LAUGHTER] We got too many witches in Texas. [LAUGHTER] They got a lot of Netflix stuff that's kind of like that now. Yeah. Where they're like, "Oh, you're a fucking witch." You know what I mean? It's just like a bunch of fucking hot chicks, though, dude. Like a scripted show where they're acting as-- like charmed? I'm trying to think, yeah, dude, that's a good show to fucking jerk off. Charmed. Dude, that was the best show ever. Yeah. Until that commercial came out, fucking Sarah McLachlan. Oh, they started running that. Yeah. Bigger tits were hanging out, shit. They were just like dogs with like seven eyes. Well, she's showing cleavage in the dog commercial? Pretty sure, yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't see why not, dude. Attention, grabbing. Yeah. Wouldn't you? But the charmed is always on at the gym in the morning. Yeah. And it's like-- well, you just get a little chubbed up on the treadmill, watching this charmed. 100% dude. Yeah. Emotionally invested, dude. Yeah. Getting nostalgic and shit. Keeps you on the treadmill longer. Which was like your favorite witch? Oh, I don't honestly know their names. I've only seen like one or two episodes. One of the-- One of the-- Really? Sure. Chloe sounds like-- I think they all kind of sounded the same. Sure. Chloe, Zoe, and Brody, wherever. But they-- Sounds about right. Yeah. They replaced one of them. They replaced one of them with like Rose McGowan. For real? Later, on like season five or something, she didn't come back, it just brought in a new witch. It was probably like a boycott or something. Yeah. Holding out. She's like an NFL wide receiver holding out for a new deal. Yeah, dude. I just didn't give her a good deal. You just go. You got to go. Yeah. I mean, if you're going to be a witch, dude, like you got to get fucking paid, man. Yeah. You're going to be a witch for free. Yeah, I do. Damn. Yeah, that show fucking-- damn, dude. I get nostalgic thinking about that. Early 2000s had some beautiful-- Yeah, they were so hot, too, dude. And then they had that one dude who was like a demon. With like the sideburns? You see-- He looked like a fucking accountant, dude, and he would just turn into like the devil like in the middle of the day and saw like a finger bang in that trick. Yeah. You were like, this is the best show ever, dude. You know? But I think Harry Potter was better than that. You know? Harry Potter is pretty good. Stepping stone into like the Harry Potter sequel, you know? When I was like eight years old, my mom went to London on a trip and she came back and she's like, hey, I got you this book. It's real big over there. It's called Harry Potter and the philosopher's stone, huge book in England. And I was like, whatever, I'm not reading this stupid book. And it was like-- I could have been on it months before all my classmates got Harry Potter because they only had him in the UK, blew my shot. Dude. How did you like, were you emotionally like struck when you found out? By Potter? No, I don't think I gave a shit. No, just like knowing that you could have been like ahead of the game. Could have been ahead of the game. I don't think it would have mattered. Really? Yeah. I was-- Because you would have been telling people and they would have been like, this kid's fucking-- Yeah. You know? Might have hurt me in the long run. Yeah. I just go around and be like, hey, I read Harry Potter first before you did. I'm like, fuck this guy. Kids are witch, dude. Yeah. He's sorcery. Damn, dude. I wonder what witch pussy was like, though, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Because whenever I see these fucking films and shit, I'm like, dude, that chick's pussy has got to be like fucking crazy, bro. Real life witches are like the mythical witches. Dude, just fictional or whatever. Yeah. Do you think they have like a difficult pussy situation because they're riding on a broom? I think it all has to do with like mental illness. So yeah, that would definitely come into play. I'm going to play. They're in the bedroom in general. They're going to be freaks because they're like witches. They're fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. When I used to like think about role-playing, I never did this, dude, but I always thought about just fucking cast and spells on that pussy. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Just like if I was going to role-play. Yeah. Like Voldemort in from across the room. Yeah. I think I would do like Rosetta Stone, dude. Just memorize like three or four sentences in Latin. Yes. Get yourself like a fucking wand dude and just get after it, you know what I'm saying? Get some mood lighting and just like maybe one of those one of those orbs that you get from Spencer's gifts with like the electricity and then you put your fingers on it and like charges up. Yeah. Just fucking jerk off on it. Then it's a lava lamp. Yeah. Have you ever thought about like have you ever done role-play or like thought about like what you would do? I don't think I've done I've not done role-play. I feel like it takes a lot, dude. Yeah. Not only to convince a woman to do that, but just to like really like to get over the mental hurdles. Yeah. Because you don't get that many cuts, right? Like how many chances do you get? One take. Yeah, it's one take. It's Saturday Night Live. It's all improv. You just get it right. Yeah. It's all improv. So it's a lot of yes-in. You got a yes-in dude. Yeah. I think you got to do something like we were we're roommates, you know we we we we shouldn't hook up. Yeah. It's either this or wash the dishes. Dude, how many how many guys do you think try to do that and just get like denied? Yeah, they get shut down. They don't get yes-handed enough during the role-play because like there's got to be a good segue, you know, like if you're gonna do that dude, you know, like you can't just be eating dinner and be like, oh my God, my fucking leg, you know, you're in the middle of eating dinner. Oh no, I'm stuck in the dishwasher, I'm stuck in the washing machine, it's like you're the guy. It doesn't work like that if you're stuck. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm stuck under this coffee table. Yeah. You look at my God. If you don't suck my cock, I'm gonna pass away, you know, yeah, nuclear missile headed toward Washington. If you don't suck me off right now, it's gonna blow up everything. You're like a funeral. Yeah, man, that's gotta be tough, dude. I just think about all the dudes who have struggled with that. It's gotta happen a lot, you know? They don't communicate it and they just start role-playing. That might be worse than a breakup, dude. Just, 'cause it's like, yeah, then you break up with a character. That's even worse. Yeah, just that fucking thought in your head is just like, wow, do I really fuck that up? Yeah. You know? But if you fucking smash out of the park to your legend, you know, it's kind of like the naked man and how about your mother. It's a major risk reward. Yeah. Yeah. You just go on balls and eat, dude. It's good, dude. Go in there. Play a role. Yeah. Acting is like, it's even more vulnerable than sex, just like, yeah, you want me to bear my soul? Yeah. In addition to, you have to do, like, object work, you have to, like, pretend, pour yourself a glass of water and stuff like that. I feel like you're doing the roleplay. Would you feel upset that you're, like, not being yourself? You're just, like, pouring the glass, like, dude, who am I? Yeah. I'm Dr. Reginald Bandrake. Dude. It's like that movie, "Fucking Split." Oh, we just got different personalities. Yeah. That guy's probably off the walls right now. Yeah. I think he's a crazy guy. Yeah. You see that, dude? Yeah. I think he just, he just got jacked. Like, James Mackle just got really jacked and he's like, let's, let's use this. Give me a bunch of roles where I have to be jacked. Yeah. And he's just fucking crazy and all of them. Yeah. Yeah. He's just a crazy neck vein guy. Yeah. He's always gonna end up, like, fucking the dude from, like, the Joker, right? Like, Heath Ledger? Oh, no. I would suck. I would suck if you died. You know? Just, like, playing that role all the time, your family's, like, you fucking stop. Oh, yeah. Well, it was, um, Heath Ledger, but then someone else, the other guy in, like, Suicide Squad, Jared Leto, he tried to do the same thing and he was, like, in character and he would, like, send, he, like, sent dead birds to his castmates and, like, the prank or something. Wow. And he, like, still wasn't that good. It was just, you were annoying for no reason. All that to be dog shit. Yeah. Yeah. To be, like, the fourth best Joker. What was, like, the big one was with, like, Jim Carrey, right? Who did he play? He was Andy Kaufman. Yeah. And men in the moon. They made a documentary about it. The movie's pretty good. And then the documentary about it is good, too, because he's just running around the studio a lot in character, like, trying to, in multiple characters, because he's Tony Clifton, too. And he's, like, trying to break into Steven Spielberg's office and, like, he's just being a huge dick to people. So people thought he was, like, actually him. I don't know if they thought he was him, but he was fully there, like, hey, just so you know, Jim is fully in character as Andy Kaufman. Don't address him as Jim. Yeah. He will freak out on you. I got to check that out, dude. Pretty good. Yeah. I've never seen that, man. That's how we got to start doing it at comedy shows. Yeah. Just adopt a persona and just get into that and never be ourselves again. I think people do that, man. I just want to get on. I just want to start getting on stage. Like, I'll show up at a club and just be like, hey, from now on, I'm the Raven. You got it. I just have, like, eyeliner makeup on and stuff. So we're, like, a black dress. I'm just, like, a dark lord. I learned a black dress with a long train. Yeah, I was doing the, like, drokey, dry humor guy thing for a while, but this is the real me, the Raven. You know, fucking crazy, that would be, dude, because you're tall as fuck, dude. If you went out there in a black dress, and I look cool, dude, amazing grace is your walkout song. Yeah. You just start spanking, dude. Everyone's like, what the fuck? It's performance art. Yeah. Pass away, dude. Yeah. People. There would be uproar. Damn. I feel like I would be, um, I'd be in prison for that one. Dude, sometimes a, uh, you ever think about breaking the simulation, like, getting out of the matrix doing something so stupid that it just fucking breaks the matrix, like someone comes out and they're like, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Okay. Not like a big face appears in the sky. It's like, all right. You got me. The whole thing's been a simulation. It's an Asian dude. And he's like, you just did something we didn't code for it where we can't, you were too stupid for the major. Dude, if you had a, if you had to do one thing that you think would break it, what do you think you do? Mm. If you have to like, how do you reset the matrix? How do you? Yeah. How do you get them to, to stop the simulation? Break the code. Basically like reverse the big bang, dude. Yeah. That'd be tough. That'd be tough to do. Yeah. That's a lot of quantum physics for a while. Yeah. I feel. Build some serious machines. Maybe dude, I think you should just get everyone like in a large group, like the entire population and everyone just like spends like a week straight just farting into the atmosphere. It cuts a hole in there. Yeah. All the methane breaks the lining. Yeah. Oh, it breaks, it breaks like the firmament and they can like, like, who's ever behind the screens? Like, I see. Just looking at sphincter all day. Yeah. And then they start like getting their head. They're like, wow, dude, I can actually kind of smell this a little bit. So you basically treat the simulation, like, like chat roulette for the people who were designing it. I'm more like chatter bait, dude. Yeah. Just show, show hole until the universe as we know it, the seasons to exist. Yeah. Nothing will fuck someone up more than sphincter, dude. That's the singularity. Yeah. The sphincter singularity. Yeah. You show, you show somebody some hole, they're not ready for it. Yeah. They're not going to be able to code. Yeah. I mean, I'm not like a DaVinci, like code type guy, but I think that's the closest thing I know to it. Yeah. DaVinci hole. That's it. That's a hidden chapter in that book. Dude, I forgot to mention, man, congrats on the, congrats on the special, dude. Thank you, man. Probably should have started off with that. But like I said, man, I'm retarded. Oh, it's good. All good. Yeah. Did you know, when did it come out? Like two months ago? Yeah. Just about two months. It was July 17th. It's on YouTube now. They stayed in Brooklyn. And that's like a culmination of like all your material or is it just some of it? More or less, it was like the better part of, it was pretty much all my best stuff from over like 11 years. So you felt pretty comfortable up there? Yeah, for sure. It was like, um, it was just the order of things that I had to focus on, but it was like, I had some jokes that were seven or eight years old and I had some jokes that were a week old and just everything up there, just riffing, zinging and zanging. That's all it is, dude. Doing jokes. Yeah, it's crazy, man. You can write a good joke and like a week and then have a joke that's like 10 years old. Yeah. It's fucking wild, man. Time's an illusion. Yeah. And then you did, uh, how much time did you do? I did, I think like 53 minutes or something like that on each show. Yeah. It was down to a nice lean 45, 46 for the son of a cut. So yeah, it was pretty cool. It was like a big lead up to the special of several months and then it was like seven or eight months after that of just like editing and getting it ready to go. Yeah. What do you do after that, dude? Like after you reach that point, you're just like, all right, like completely, I'm starting from scratch or like more or less like I've basically been cycling out the old material. And yeah, I've treated it like I have none. I'm just like starting over and trying to write a new hour. Is that like scary or no? A little bit, but also exciting and it's, it's still, it's fun. Like there's nothing more fun than coming up with like a new joke that you like and trying it out. So it's like, yeah, there's going to be the, the trials of like doing something and it falls on its face and yeah, doing all the new stuff. But like when that new thing hits, like it's nothing better. Yeah. Yeah. When you were younger, did you have like, because like, I know like for me, dude, I've always, I'm learning to like move along, like kind of like get past certain jokes, like not be it for like not be afraid to write new stuff and burn the old shit. Like when did you, like when you were younger, did you have that same feeling though where you were like, fuck man, like I don't like trust new shit. Like when did you kind of go out, like fuck it, like, you know, let's just move on. I think, I don't know if I've, I've fully said fuck it, we're like, there's still going to be those moments where I want to like grab the life raft of like the old material, something that I know is tried and true. Like if I'm the middle of a set, tried something new, it didn't really work out. I wanted, I'm just going to like jump for that old thing. But I think in the like the only in the last couple of years, have I gotten more comfortable with being like, all right, I'm going to do five or six new things in a row regardless of how they go and we can just deal with it. But yeah, you never like bombing. It's not fun. Yeah. More than just sometimes it is. If you have, if you have the right group of people. Yeah. Watching your friend bombs. Yeah. Probably one of the best feelings. That's a great time in the world. Yeah, man. I was in, I was in Boston, I guess there's like this woman, dude. I don't know if she's like a comic or something. She's like extremely mental, you know, and she's like telling. Yeah. I think I've heard about her. Yeah. This is like a recent thing. Yeah. I heard someone like some Massachusetts based comic talking about this person. Well, I guess she's just like stalking certain comedians and like using them of, yeah, just been like accusing people of like rape and like, yeah, yeah, she's like fucking schizophrenic and psychotic, dude. And I was like on stage and like Dorchester like last week or something. Yeah. And she's like at the show and people are like, yo, stay away from that chick. Stay away from that chick. And in the middle of my set, dude, she got like escorted out. Like people kicked her out and like got the police involved and shit. Damn. Yeah, man. She's like accusing people of like rape and like trying to like ruin their careers and shit. She's like, just full on like the movie split. Yeah. She's just fucking losing it. She's opening for me. Yeah. Yeah. She does a unique thing, man. We're different enough. So it's like it's a nice hand and egg to type a deal. It's like an easy follow man. Have her go up to three, four hours and then me. I do. Yeah. Get a moist, dude. It was so loud though, dude. It was like one of those rooms where like you can't even hear yourself. Yeah. So like when it happened, I didn't even notice what's happening. And people were like, yo, did you see that? And I was like, no, what happened? They're like, dude, she just got escorted out of the place. And I was like, oh shit. That's awesome. Couldn't hear my own thoughts. Man. Sometimes it's awesome when people get kicked out during your set. Yeah. That could be a lot of fun. She gives you hope, man. Yeah. I kicked out a bachelorette party like a few months ago. Really? What a rush. Do you really? It was great. Yeah. It was awesome. Yeah. It was great. Yeah. It was on stage. And I was just like, they were at the show and they had like snow goggles on. Yeah. That was part of their theme or whatever, I guess, implying that they were going to do cocaine. I don't know. But they were, they would not shut up for the host. And then I went on first and like they would not shut up and I just kind of went in on them. Yeah. It was one of those things where like the entire crowd hated them too. Yeah. So when like you guys said anything against them, they got like a huge applause. And then they eventually left and that got like damn near standing ovation. It was great. Yeah, dude. It's really fun. Yeah. It's better than just like letting it happen. No, because it's going to suck for every other comic on the show. If they are. Yeah. You're going to take it. You're going to make a sacrifice. Yeah. Fucking. Jump on the grenade. Yeah. Go down on your own sword, man. You've got to show a hole for the audience. We do amazing grace. We have some phone calls, dude, if you don't mind taking a few. Let's go. I'm ready. I don't know if they're any good, but we'll see. Last week's Wild, man. They're all amazing. A lot of gay ones. Yeah. A lot of dudes like finger in their asses and stuff. Sure. So. Not like on the phone, but like they had questions about it. No, both. Yeah. I was like, while they were asking the question. Sure. All right. Hey, I was just, I was just wondering, when was the last time that you like full on shit not like just like a little shit in your pants, but like full turd in underwear? You know? Like, when was the last time that happened? That was a deep question, man. Yeah, it is deep. Full on. I mean, technically like every day for me, man. I'm sorry? Like every day I'm shitting. Shitting my pants. Your garments. Shitting my diaper, dude. Oh, you're dived up. Yeah. Well, it doesn't count that. I guess stay safe out there, man. Yeah. Rather than call it with it than call it out. I'm shitting my diaper, dude. Not my pants. That's true. Yeah. You should have your diaper not your pants. That's the old adage. Well, dude, I probably shouldn't say this, but there will be times where like I'll feel like a little bit moist in my ass just from all the trekking around. You know, like all the waddling and stuff. Sure. And then I'll, you know, like I obviously sit when I pee, dude, and I'll just, you know, go wipe my ass. Corn blank. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good chance. I guess I technically shit my pants. What are you talking about? Full on. Yeah. He's talking about like, yeah, yeah. In your pants. I think I might have been like, I might have been like five years old. Really? Yeah. You're going to say like five days ago. I really haven't reached that age yet. We're like, I've got a solid run going. Yeah. So when you're ripping dimes, like you know what's going to come out? You have faith in yourself. I have faith. Yeah. Wow. I'm not trusting. Everything out there in the streets. Yeah. You just got to play close to the things. You mean healthy? Is that what it is or no? I haven't eaten that healthy. It's just a maturity. Just mental discipline. I guess. Yeah. I think that's what it is. Really? I think that's what it is, man. It's just like, you know, like your faith in God, dude. It's keeping your soul clean. That's all it is. All those years at church, man. That's what that is, dude. That's why the Satan is represented as a serpent. Yeah. Because it's like, it's like, it's like, it represents shitting yourself. Exactly, dude. And the devil will arise if your soul is not pure. Exactly. Yeah. I have a, I have shit in my pants, like, not all out, but one of my buddies, dude, he, we were in the woods and we were about to go to this fucking junkyard to throw rocks through car windows and like hijack cars and shit. And dude, we're like in the woods and he got up on this rock and like started singing the national anthem. And then he lifted up his leg to fart, dude. And like, it like squirted out, like dripped down his leg and stuff. So we're all laughing and stuff, dude. And he's like, uh, he's like, yeah, man, I'm going to get out of here. And we were like, yeah, that's probably for the best. But we were like, dude, like take, like, take off your boxers, dude, like clean it up, whatever. And he's like, he's like, now dude, I'm going to call my dad. And we're like, dude, please don't do that. Let's talk to get multiple generations involved in something like that. Dude. So the explanation is like, this is true. So why were you on the rock would take me through that? Like, no, it just happened. It's just one thing we'd do another and dude, you know, Joe called his dad and was like, I just shit my pants, like pick me up. How old? Like 16. Yeah. I did not express to you how angry I would be as a grown man. I can't even imagine how mad he would have been my 16 year old boy, I would have made him walk home. He had a nice car to, like, leather suit. Yeah. No, you're not getting in my car. You're not getting in my car in that state. But also, he was probably like, where are you? Yeah. You know, he's like, oh, I'm at this junky army and I'm about to fucking just die jack. The more questions you ask, the worse it gets. That's why as a dad, sometimes if you fuck up, like if I remember being a kid, like if you fuck up, your dad just hangs up. He's like, I know this doesn't go anywhere good and I don't want to be involved. Was the movie with Adam Sandler? Big daddy, right? He's either big daddy or punch truck love. Yeah. Or anal in the infield. Yeah. But he's like, yeah, scuba Steve. Yeah. Oh, he goes diving, all right, but that was the movie where like his son, like whenever his son fucks. Oh, yeah. So like his son pisses his pants. Well, it's not even his son, but he pisses in a plant. Yeah. He pisses his pants. He pisses his pants. Oh, no. It wasn't his son. It was some other kid on the field trip. That was Billy Madison. Billy Madison. Yeah. Yeah. He pisses his pants. He's like like peeing your pants is the coolest. He's cool. Yeah. That would be cool if you were a father and you did that to your like 16 year old son. Yeah. You're completely normal 16 year old son who just did it as a goof. It's like, I stand in solidarity with my boy. Yeah. You just walk up to all of his friends, you're like, oh, you think that's fucking, yeah. That's what we do. We're a proud family. Yeah. Like watch this shit. Yeah. No, I'm not picking my son up at all if he does that. Yeah. Make a man out of him. He'll find his own way. Do you think you're going to pop one out soon? I don't think so. I don't think soon. No, but maybe, maybe in a few years down the line, who knows? Yeah. All right. We'll take one more. Let's go. I'm ready for war. You ever fuck up in a way where your dad was like, I'm not helping you, on your own? Once my dad got me a fucking, he gifted me a golf club set, and they were like wooden clubs. Sure. And he worked with mentally challenged adults, and he would bring them over for dinner and shit. And there was this one dude, Kevin, and he brought him over for dinner, whatever. It gives me the clubs, and then after dinner, I go in the backyard to like swing the clubs with Kevin, dude. Yeah. And we do, we literally just teed up at my neighbor's house. Yeah. And we were swinging at like my neighbor's house while they were eating dinner. The family's running to the basement for cover, they don't know what's going on. BANG! Kids hiding under tables. Yeah. There's like a 10 by 10 window, too. Oh, you hit the window. We were hitting like the house, but they could see what we were doing. There's no mystery at all. Yeah. That's awesome. Just taking shells. I did that when I was a little kid, I had golf balls at my neighbor's house. I did, I hit it over, over the backyard fence. I didn't know what was back there. I just thought it was the edge of the universe. Cheers. I didn't hear any bangs, but like the back, the neighbor back there was like, Hey asshole, you almost hit my truck. You do that again. I'm coming over there with a shotgun. Yeah. You just kept hitting them. I was a little kid. I just like ran in the house because I was scared and like my dad had to like walk back to the fence and like, I just, I just threatened that. Yeah. Oh, shit. It didn't go great. Yeah, dude. I've told this story before, but one time I was like, I was a kind of emotional outside on my hill and I'm like talking with my buddy next to me and like, I'm just getting wicked emotional, dude. And I just like, I just start taking these rocks and just throwing them like as far as I can. Yeah. And we're like, we're here in like loud bangs, like super loud bangs and do my Guatemalan friend who live like two houses down, like calls me, he's like, dude, are you throwing rocks right now? And I was like, maybe. And he was like, dude, you're putting holes in my grandma's house. Holes. I don't know. That's awesome. I don't know. Ripping right through the side. Yeah, just like a fucking pre war home. It's a historical site. Yeah. Just grandpa's having like fucking PTSD flashbacks. You're contributing to the racial beef. That was anti-Guadamalan crime. I must have been some strong emotions. Oh, yeah. All right. Let's see what we got, dude. Then you're salami. What's going on? I'm Aaron Collins from Indiana. Um, medical question for you. I was wondering what your jerk off PR is. So how many nuts have you busted in one day, uh, 24 hour. I'm going to give it an overunder. Um, I'm going to guess under eight, under eight. So yeah, hit me up. We'd love to know, man. Yeah. My bad. Do the questions are on that grade this week. It's a high number. Now these are, these are deep questions. Definitely. Under eight. Dude. They are under eight. You said over under eight. Yeah. I mean, that's a fucking, I feel like you'd pass away if you did eight. It's a full ass day. Yeah. You're shooting blanks at probably five. Yeah. At the, at the latest. Yeah. Even then it's like, yeah. Probably say like maybe five. I like that. He said PR. Cause that applies that there's training involved with. Yeah. Cause you get, cause you get a trainer to help you jerk off more. I was thinking he's talking about records, dude. Records. He's talking about like bulletin board type. Yeah. Like some of it like something like this, but instead of a picture of Muhammad Ali, it's like blood saying, it's just a, it just says eight times, it just says nine times. Yeah. You get to take down the thing that says eight and put up nine. Yeah. I think I don't know if I ever pushed it beyond like four. Yeah. That's in like the prime days. I feel like you probably knew a dude who could push it to like excessive limits, though. Right. I'm trying to think it was, it was like the goat who's, uh, most have ever heard of anyone cranking in a day. It's probably on the ballpark of eight times. Yeah. Yeah. I don't even know a dude who's done it that much. Like who's admitted it because guys who jerk off a lot, they don't wake up terribly early in the morning. Yeah. So you're, you're missing those precious hours. Yeah. You know, it's all nighttime jerks and even then if you're, if it's like between sleeps, if you want to count it that way, it's like you count those, those three AM jerks as like the previous day, maybe it's like short reloads. Yeah. Yeah. Those guys are just different, man. Yeah. But I only knew a dude. Yeah. Like, like wrap it up. That shit. Yeah. Same video too. Same. Yeah. Two, two nuts to one video. Yeah. I knew a dude who did it six times every day. Oh my God. And he would just tell everyone like as if it was like normal. Yeah. And nobody really talked to him. No one asked. Don't ask him how many times a day he cranked it. Yeah. That's just insane, dude. Six is too many. Yeah, man. Can't be doing that. Yeah. Get all yourself out. Sorry for the shitty questions, man. Maybe that's how you reset the simulation. If you get to nine, the simulation resets. Yeah. It goes back to the Big Bang. It restarts the universe. Yeah. You think it has to be like a specific person though? The chosen one. Yeah. The Neo of jerking off. Like a religious man. Yeah. Like a priest, a man who's masturbated like nine times in a row. Yeah. It's a session on Easter Sunday or something. Yeah. Yeah. A priest beats off nine times on Easter Sunday, the entire universe resets. It has to be like a full moon too. Yeah. Wall Amazing Grace is playing. Full moon Amazing Grace Easter Sunday. Yeah. And that's the promise of eternal life. Yeah. That's kind of what the Bible is about. Let no man shall die who lives in me. Yeah. Jesus. And then there's like a lunar eclipse, dude. And then some Asian dude just comes out of nowhere. Like what the fuck, man? So like once that ninth jerk happens, and the priest busts on Easter Sunday, Costco will no peace. Yeah. There will be peace at Costco. No racism. No racism. The race war at Costco will end. Yeah. And now they are, they do close early on Sundays. So this priest is going to have to get these jerks in starting pretty early and go pretty rapid fire. Yeah. It's all about timing and like the chosen one pretty much. Yeah. That's it. And saying the correct prayers at the right times. Yeah. 100% dude. Yeah. Well, dude, thank you for coming, man. Thank you for having me. Just fun, dude. Appreciate you for coming, man. Yeah, dude. Check out, you know, JP special, dude. JP McDade in Brooklyn on YouTube. Fuck yeah. On this channel. And then please subscribe to the podcast, you know, tell your friends or whatever. However, that shit works, man. And thank you guys for listening.