Meet Faith LaFleur. She and I had a convo about the transitional period she has found herself in. Lift her up and give her all the good juju. <3
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 64: Unravel
[MUSIC PLAYING] Welcome to Emotionally Unavailable, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy. I'm your host, Melissa Hepner. And I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self-discovery and connection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape, this podcast is here to inspire, empower, and entertain. So get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together. Hi, guys. Welcome to today's show. Today's show is with someone I met from Threads. Her name is Faith LaFloor, which I think is such a fucking cool name. Anyway, here's the deal. I can't not be me and not be 100% authentic. This is not the typical show that I usually put out there. And I know that Faith has been sent to me by the universe. And I'm just still trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do in this situation, like how I am supposed to impact her. And the only thing that is registering right now is my connections. So Faith is right now kind of homeless in Seattle. She recently lost her mother and was forced to leave kind of where she was. She's 37. She's living in a hotel. And due to some stupid-ass circumstances, is almost out of money and almost on the streets. So I have reached out to the few people that I know in that area. But this is all I know to do is to say, if you know anyone in that area, can you help? Do you know of anything? So anyway, like I said, I don't know. The whole fucking thing is a little chaotic. I'm not going to lie to you. And Faith, if you listen, you know, I said that to your face, so it's all good. I said, we're chaotic sisters, I feel it. And I think I see so much of myself in her and in this situation. And I can definitely understand where the fuck she is right now in her life. So I think put on that compassion hat and I think you'll see it too and see the reflections of you within her in a hope that when you do, you are inspired by the fact that she's not giving up because I'm fucking inspired. I'm so happy to know that there's enough light in her in her darkness that she knows where her north is and she's still heading there. She's in a ship that is in very rough waters. And I just hope, as a collective, that let's lift Faith up, man. Let's hold her in our hearts and send all the fucking good juju guys. So that's all I know to do. And I hope this is the beginning of Faith getting to share her story. And being the magnet that I know she was born to become. And I can't wait to watch her Phoenix moment happen. And I hope that you guys will be a part of that. So I don't know. I'm giving this to the universe. And I don't know what else we're supposed to do. But I think it's going to be good. And I hope that you guys enjoy hearing our conversation. So I will ask this. If you do feel impacted at all by Faith's story, when I'm going to make a post about this on Instagram, the story, because I always post my episodes. And when I do, please come give that post some love and talk to Faith about any way she's inspired you, OK? Otherwise, I hope you guys are all doing well. I'm really well. I'm just tired right now, but could not fucking be happier. So seeing a lot of me crying on the internet lately. It's cute. And I'm just fucking in love with myself and my life and my people. So thank you. Thank you for being someone in my life. And enjoy. Get my show and come in the elevator. No, but that's OK, because I mean, I hope that it pops on, but I hear you OK. And I don't really post the video very much. OK, cool. Do you hear me? Yeah, I hear you. OK, cool. I'm telling that to people. It'll pop up. Oh, no, there it goes. Oh, OK, cool. Hello, how are you? I'm great. How are you? Good. So I was thinking we could just vibe a little bit. Let's do it. So you're in Seattle. I'm so jealous. Don't be. You don't love it there? I haven't been able to really enjoy it. Because you know, I thought I usually would. Yeah. And I have a lot of fun to get a place. My kids here, my sister and her husband go into the army for something for a year. There's a lot. Oh, gosh, that is a lot. And I've just lost my mom. Like, yeah, it's a nice. Yeah, so I'm sorry. Like, I'm still for nobody. And not the truth. Well, that's what I had kind of a year that was really kind of flash. Well, I mean, it's within this year. But everything before August is last year. And then everything after August is this year, I don't know. But these are the wrong two years for me. I feel it. For a while, I was doing the grin and bear it, live in your masculine, just fucking power through kind of thing. That's not like I'm doing. Yeah. And then I was like, OK, look, look, OK, what, what am I? What is the point? And then I think I just got to where I was like, OK, I think that's the point is like peace is not going to be the absence of this bullshit. Yeah, you learn to accept it and like roll with things better. You know, yeah, I go back inside. OK, I go. I can go back in. It's just so me. The only thing that sucks is that, like, everything will pick up like once we transfer this audio, it will be like even wind is too much. Yeah. And I'm like, something else. I just don't want to hang on. I hate this place. All right, well, from right by the thing, I'm waiting for them to come opening. Now I'm stuck down here. Oh, I said it came out first. Get yourself together, babe. Oh, like I told you, I haven't had my medicine. And today is this would be day two. So I'm on people. I'm freaking out. All right, shoot. Give me a hand, please. I can't believe you can see. Well, I'm here. I've been sharing five or five. But he's not happy, Jay. I'm saying, God. Yeah, OK, let it go. OK, oh, crazy. This is me life. I have came out of this building. I have the keys. It's only happens to me. What is your sign? What's your zodiac sign? Bargo. Really? Yeah. Why is that all? Because everybody seems to be, like, spot on. No, not odd, but I'm feeling your chaos a little bit. So I'm saying that as a chaotic sister, I get it. I'm chaos, too. So I'm saying that. You know what I mean? I'm sorry. But yeah, that's all I'm picking up on. So I was a little surprised to hear Bargo, but sorry. Yeah, I don't think that's Bargo. I don't think that, Jay, but it's not me. I bet you you have lots of planets in Bargo because you are actually a lot of Pisces. I bet that you are more like the Pisces and that you are meant to find a little more structure in your life. But I thought they had no idea. Just again, but that's OK. That's a really good guess. Yeah, I do. My mom's always for this. Like you need a man that's going to tell you not to do something, like be the man. Oh, no, you need the man to tell them shit. They just got to learn to trust their own boy. Got to learn to trust that boy right here, you know? Yeah, I trust me more than anybody else. Well, that's the thing is that like what I talk about on here a lot is like parents don't know that like they're teaching us to criticize ourselves and to not like, you know, listen to our own intuition because we feel like we're not capable of making good decisions for ourselves because a lot of the time we didn't. But that doesn't mean we're not capable, you know? Yeah, well, I went through shit where I just didn't want to be capable of anything, I guess. So I know I'm using a lot of things. But yeah, that was like just trauma that I didn't talk to no one about. Yeah. Well, that's what we learn is that we kind of grow up with this narrative that we're always going to be alone. We're always going to be invisible and we're always going to be dealing with all this heavy shit all by ourselves. And so because our brain has a negativity bias to see everything that it can to confirm our narratives, it's everything it can to confirm our narratives. So then that we make sure we are always alone. We are always invisible. You know what I mean? We do that to ourselves. I didn't do that for so long. I just put myself into friends, I guess, or other things that were not healthy. But yeah, both of those things are done so that we don't feel both, that's all numbing. Yeah, numbing. I don't mind being alone. Yeah, yeah, when you start to shed some of the codependency and you like yourself a little bit and you can spend a little time alone, you know, but if all you're knowing is going out on your brain, then you got to be numb to outrun your brain. Yeah, no, right. It's just it's just a temporary fix. You have to sit in your feelings and deal with it. And I do now. Yeah, it's just like my spirit of a person. I'm just now seeing as as is, you know, I'm running everything hard back in the day. Now I can and I'm not I'm not going backwards. Right. We're feeling it all of it. I'm feeling every freaking bit of it. And it's so hard. It's so hard. Well, but this is the thing is that what you know so far has been your tools, but your toolbox probably just needs some adjusting. You need to add things, you know, like you know what you know and you have no idea what you don't know. So like every day is something I'm learning. I'm like, yeah, that's how it goes. You're forced to move like this and you're like forced. Yeah, and it's like, you know, when you get to the place where you will no longer dare to say what else when you will no longer. Yeah, then, then you know that period point blank. There's only one thing to do here. And that is literally just be like, OK, I guess it's time to look at myself. But you know, that being said, something I say to clients all the time is we spend so much time so scared to feel so scared. And it's the country like, yeah, we were taught. Nicely nice in the south. You have no idea how many men I'm like, dude, take some man to cry. I'm sorry, I don't know why your dad told you that. But you know, I think we were told that too. As girls, we were told that too. I know, I know. An entire generation told us to fucking rub some dirt on it and walk it off. You know what I mean? My bad thing was if you don't knock them out, you at least better get a punch in. I'm like, oh, thanks, dad. My dad, my mom's right. You better not start it, but you better finish it. And if you don't, I'm going to when you get home. And I was like, we're going to think of our parents. What they do is they're like, go outside until dark time. You know, so I don't know. At least for my mom. She was more of a boomer, I think. Yeah, I was raised by a boomer. And so even though I'm Gen X, I was out to other streetlights, came on, you know, on the street, you know what I mean? But my whole thing is like-- They were a little bit more lenient, I feel like. Oh my god. I don't know that I would call them lenient because I think all of us are scarred because of their criticism. Even if that wasn't their intention, they thought they were trying to be helpful, but it's not. It's not helpful to put your kids on on diets when they're kids. And it's not helpful to, you know, constantly criticize your daughter's hair and makeup, you know, because you're out of touch with what's popular. I mean, it's-- I was already at this point as like a 10 to like-- really 10 to like 31. But 10 on up, everything turned into just like-- I don't know. I don't know. It's so crazy because I feel like I'm starting over now. Like, I'm a fucking-- I'm a freaking toddler and I'm growing up. I don't know. It's a weird metaphor. But no, you are. Because if you're growing now in this current version of you, you're also now-- if you're doing that inner work, you're raising your inner child from wherever she got stunted. You know what I mean? But she's being raised now with your values and your love and your nurturing because you know how to give that to yourself now. Yeah. But we have your entire generation of people having to repair ourselves because whether their intentions were good or not, they messed us up. And yeah, it goes to numb because that's what we were taught. Yeah. We all have our own vices, whether it's drinking, drugs, smoking, food, stuff. There's a song that says, be careful what vices you choose it. I'm like, that's right. Yup. And we all have them. So you just have to learn to work with whatever your shit is. You know what I mean? It's like, all right, whatever. But you know, I just-- I just prefer to feel it now because I'm open for a minute. So it makes me feel better when I was affected and like I didn't-- I didn't come-- I didn't feel good about myself. I didn't even have a feeling about myself. So you weren't even in your own body. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know, right? But that's what I'm saying is that like it's not scary to feel. And it feels so much better than all the things we did to ourselves to not feel. Yeah. Like, I don't have any shame in the feelings now, where I have a lot of shame about my behavior when I was trying not to. That part, yep, exactly. I mean, I've let that shame go now, but you know what I mean? Like, it didn't work, too. It didn't work. It didn't work for me and a lot of other people. So it's like-- I'm right there with you. And you got to learn how to let go. At least my mom got to see me change. That was-- now I need my oldest son. I feel like my son got me very messed up. Yeah, then my oldest got my oldest. He's here. That's like, I have two in Alabama where my mom passed. That's where we were. My ex remarried. But my oldest was here. And all this family drama started when my mom passed. Of course, I'm the black sheep, so I'm booted out. I don't know what I'm doing. I haven't seen him since January, so-- Oh, gosh. Yeah, and he-- it's not that I had a favor. I know he's been through it with him. I know myself when I went through it with my mom. So my other kids just-- I'm great. I'm a frickin' angel. I'm great, so I don't really like mom. You're kind of weird. Yeah, that's hard. Yeah, when they get the unhealed version of us, it is not good. I know. That's why I was like, because he's with my sister. I was like, as soon as I get back settled, you're coming. I'm back. Absolutely. I'm crazy. What do you think, like, if you were to say, like, one thing that would change everything for you right now, what would that be? I mean, it's so cliché to say a million dollars, isn't it? It's money. Yeah. Yeah, because my car is engine blue. I just moved here. The money I came with, I ended up spending more on my airfare than I was supposed to, because I missed my fight, plus the luggage, plus the cat. And I got here. I had to pay the girl just to bring me $300, because you can't fly out of Dothan. And it's like $1,000 to come here out of Dothan, Alabama. So I flew out of Destin, Florida. I overpaid her. I know I did. I love her to death, but I know I overpaid her. Then I paid for the hotel and had to re-book another hotel, because when I got there, you have to have a key code. It was just a nightmare from the beginning. This whole transition has been insane. But what am I supposed to do? Just give up. I can't. Right. I'm thankful I'm not on the street, but I'm very close, and that's scary. That's scary yet. Yeah, so I'm busting my ass trying to get a job. But this is-- I had money planned to last, you know? So yeah, unfortunate things. I planned. I did write. I feel like I did everything right. Yeah. I'm still going through it. But I tell people I had it all when I was dead inside. Now I have nothing, and I'm alive inside. So I just should go to show material things, and just material things, although they're nice to have. Yeah, I mean, I don't want to take away from the survival mode that you have to be in to survive what you're going through right now, obstacle after obstacle. But yeah, I think some things we find worth that struggle. It is the dam. I'm ready for-- I'm done. I got it. I feel you, dude. I feel you. I feel-- that's why I say I think I'm at the edge of it. I think I think things are about to get good. I used to tell myself, as a teenager, no clan to come to Washington. But I said, my husband, I never been married, I'm engaged. I said, my husband is going to either be an artist, or a man in a suit, in Seattle, Washington. So I don't know where that came from. I don't know why I did that. That's funny. But I'm looking around like, no way. I'm sorry, no way. You're not getting your prince charming yet. I'm not at the place I needed we get. So I'm not supposed to be in yet. Yeah. No, I look at it. If he's going to meet me at myself or better, I need to be my best self. Because I'm happy with that. You're growing it or you're growing it right now. You've got to focus on getting your next step, you know? Yeah. I mean, I have stuff looking-- we're looking into a tiny home, but this is still temporary. I really just need to get a job. You're texting them about any good work. Everything, everything down. I was doing fast food before I came here, only came here from the sun. Yeah. Have you gone to any fast food places to apply? I've done everything. I'm so surprised. Build out an application. Well, OK, so I'm going on two weeks. Like I should have been hired two days. Right. And now I don't have anxiety medicine. So now I'm like, oh my god, every time I walk in that door. Yeah. I'm broken. And it's embarrassing. It's like, what do I do? You sleep two days, and then the normal kind of ish? I don't know. Yeah. It's just one of those things you have to deal with. And how it happens, it happens. I don't even know. I haven't figured that part out yet. Man. OK. So you know, like, if we were to go with the whole manifesting principles, like, what is a person who can take the next step? Look like, OK, I have been saying, and my son really just kind of put a twist on that the other day. But I've been saying, I want an RV that drives all over the world. I can just visit every single state. Yeah. That's what I really want to do. Like, and check out every ocean. I still want to go out of the United States. I'm a traveler. I love new cultures. That's me. That's my ideal dream. It used to be other shit. You know, like, I want to Rolls-Royce. I want that one. Yeah. Yeah. You know, now I just want to get peace with myself. Now you're earthy. Yeah. Oh, I thought I always was. But no, now my mental space is not my fashion sense. Right. Yeah. Well, so what do you think? What do you think you can do? Like, what do you have in your control right now to get you a little closer? Myself. Yeah. And what's knowable about you, Faith? I say my story because I've liked so many people go through it. But so little talk about it. Are so many people. How many are your story? My story is very long, I feel like. But in a nutshell, I guess it's-- Hey, guys. I'm in the editing process. I'm going to give a quick trigger warning here for SA. And it's a very quick mention, but I still just don't want things like that to be said, like really quickly and off the cuff without you knowing they're coming. So just stay present. Listen. Don't let a trigger take you off to where triggers take you. Just listen and keep moving. It's pretty quick. All right. I had childhood trauma due to right molestation both. And the reason why-- and I figured that out very recently-- is because as a child, you're not supposed to have the feelings, and you know it's not right. So if you do have the feelings, and you know it's not right, you don't want to say anything. I mean, you feel somebody about yourself. And also, my dad would have murdered the man because it was his girlfriend's dad. But I found out later that's not where it started. I found all this stuff throughout my life. And my mom, I guess she blamed herself because I'm the oldest. And she was like 17 when she had me. And I knew how to get my way. So I don't know how I got through kid life, you know? When I was able to get vodka, that was first vodka. And kool-aid, proper kool-aid, had to be proper. And then, you know, it wasn't until I was like 16. Then it was pills. And then it was anything that would possibly stop me from thinking. I didn't give it. I didn't care. I did not care. And I didn't care if a lived or died. But people look at that like, okay, you're supposed to be all sad and depressed walking around. No, no, you can be out living a good life. But you're inside of here, you really don't care. - Yep. - And I think people mixed that up because I thought I was happy. Like, I was in the movie, "Yes, Manage and Fairy." Like, I did things that I set goals to do. But I didn't really enjoy them. It really was just like, mm, did it. Okay. You know, like, it would not, should take more credit for things that I was able to accomplish. And I did not. - Yeah. - So it was never enough. It didn't fill the hole. - Mm-mm, nothing did. Nothing did. So yeah, that's crazy. And I say in my, when I was like 27, that's what I say, that everything changed. It really feels like the last four years, maybe, it's been insane. - Yeah. - You're 37, you said? - I am, yep. - Okay. - You've certainly 37. - Okay, so how long has your life been? - Chaos. - Chaos? - Aw, I must say the last four years. - Okay. - I could return to, I was with somebody who was just like, it should all change the better and stayed that way. Because I went through like a eighth base rehab. I learned how to love myself. I learned how to love others and not be like selfish. And the little done as it's just like a growing step or something for me, because I left my relationship left. - Mm-mm. - And got with somebody that once, I went to high school with him, okay? This is, I don't know how else to explain why I did what I did. Went to high school, he lost his dad. I didn't know he was on pills. - That was, I didn't know he was doing vodka. So of course I didn't know. - Yeah. - We like re-meek or whatever in drug court. I left my kids in the car on Xanax and alcohol and I don't even know what else. It was really a situation of me not thinking right, 'cause my friends that she's about to pull up and I'm scared out. It turned on me in Louisiana. Like, oh, it was a horrible situation. And I think at that point, everything changed. - Exactly. - Everything changed from me. Not for like Nick, my baby, my kid's dad, or the two young ones, Branson either, but my oldest blames himself. I think that's just something, I think he's over that part. But I did a lot of like stupid shit. And it took, I honest to God say, it took my mom passed him for me to just realize I have nobody else. I just have me. And I've always needed to depend on me. I didn't always, always kind of went to mom when I needed something. And my family has not let me live again. They're not my family. - Yeah. - I was, they would all kind of force the things to say she passed. - Yeah. - My husband Branson has taken up for me. So that's all, that's all messed up on that end. Anyways, they're crazy, but yeah, it's just something like it's hard because I had to leave my mom's side hours. I got maybe two hours with her on the West, two weeks because my aunt just had time. And I believe in forgive and forgive, but I just don't know how. So that's all I'm going to do on that. - Yeah, you hold on to that as long as you need to. You'll work through it right now. You don't want your own shit, you know? - Yeah. Yeah, just let me not ever see them, that'd be all right. - Funny, I know all about that myself. - It's messed up, it's messed up, but whatever. - Yeah, I just, I love when people come in and act like... - They're perfect, they're perfect. - Yeah. - I was like, oh. - I tell those people like, look, you're financially ahead. The mentally and so far ahead. I have to remember it's harder to deal with yourself than it is to go get a nine to five job. - Yeah. - For me, like that's how I have to tell myself because I got to believe that that's why I've been so, I don't know. I was blinded by my ex. - Yeah. - That's what I was talking about. - I knew I was about all subject. - How long have you been clean? How long have you been clean? - California clean, 'cause I like, I smoke weed. - Yeah, yeah, whatever you call clean. - But I have been prescribed Xanax Glompen Ativan, one or the other for the last 15 years, plus Prozac, plus Remron, which is kind of new. He gave me, I'm a mom pass. And then he put me on the channel. - Yeah, for a mood stabilizer, really. - Yeah, so here I am on day two without it. I'm sweating, my head is just bouncing around. I feel crazy. I feel crazy. I have my Prozac, but I had an extra bottle of that. So I'm going to a doctor tomorrow. It's supposed to all happen at once. - Nope. - But this is so, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. Besides, lose my mom. - Yeah. - It was so crazy. - Yeah, I hate that, man. 'Cause it's a chemical response. - Yeah, I was like a 10. - I just started grounding exercises like you would do if you were in the middle of a panic attack. Like five things I can hear, four things I can see, that kind of thing. - Yeah, you know, I feel like I do try everything to just silence it. But there's so much more than I've ever had in my head right now that-- - Because now I have to replace the car. I have to be able to get a job. I have to be able to get my kid. I have to, I can't do it. - Ah, you can't shut it off. Yeah. - Yeah, just like this, I literally have nothing. And I'm digging until I can get to the freakin' gold. I don't know. - I feel you. - I've never had to do this in my life. - Man. - So I'm 37, like I'm 21 or something, except-- - Yeah. - 21, you know? - Yeah, but I mean, you know, listen, that's just your shame talking to you. - I know. - That's the first question is standard that we hold ourselves to. And yes, what's happening in your life right now? Fuckin' sucks, dude. It does. It does, and I'm not gonna say you're not like, you have every right to sit in how bad this sucks right now. You do. - You do. - But damn. If you have to go through it, then why not say what could this do for me? What can I get to this? - Yeah. - Angel, I'm open to that. Like I see myself always searching for understanding of why I'm here, because I see little things through me. I'm put in these people's path. It seems like I'm saying the same thing to the, I don't, it's so weird. There's so much just going through it. - So let me tell you something. I put it out to the universe a while ago to send me whoever needs me. Who can I help with just who I am? Right? - Oh, right, yeah. - So you've been put here and I know there's something. I keep asking like, what can I give? What can I give? I haven't gotten there yet. But that's the thing is that whatever the crisis is, everybody reaches this level of torment. You know, you're dark. - Yeah, that's my point. - I try to recognize that people give up. People really get that part where I have always, I don't know if it's crazy, but I've always tried to put myself there. Like, I feel like I got to a point where I was in a tension thing. I knew right and wrong and how to do it. - To physically do it? - Like, I don't know. - I don't know. - Well, you know, so many times we sabotage ourselves so that we can predict the outcome. And because of the way that all of us were raised and the inability to process emotions and walk through any sort of difficulty without numbing it, we make all these decisions to cope on our own. And then we decide that, yeah, we really are alone. We really are invisible. - Yeah, we're a player. - Down that path, you know? We make sure, because we're too afraid, because we've been told that to make a mistake or to fail in any way, to not be perfect, but only just good enough. Any of those-- - Oh, yeah, keep up with the Joneses is what I'm talking about. - Yeah, that's a hard thing to go with. - Yeah, but you know what? - I don't want to. - The Joneses, the thing is-- - Yeah, I want to be Joneses. - Some people, well, some people look at the Joneses as this rich people. Some people look at the Joneses as just people who have a relationship when they don't. Some people look at the Joneses. We all have a Joneses that we're comparing our most to, and we're not, and what we're comparing. You know who the Joneses actually are? Some arbitrary future self version of you that you don't believe you can get to. That too, the best Joneses are. - Like a match game, tell you your future, you're in a shack. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - That thing was like gold to me. I was like, what? Better be in a mansion. - Yeah, you could stuff, and I look at it like so petty. Like these are just items. I rather learn nature in the world, and that's a different part of me, I guess. I knew was in there, didn't embrace it as much. - Yeah. - I love nature now. A lot of things are coming out now, I'm just like-- - Yeah, when you start to build and you start feeling connected to animals and nature and other people in a weird way. - Yeah, 'cause I was with somebody for seven years. I've only been out of that relationship too. So it was seven years, and then five years prior, that was kids. So I literally lost myself within that 15 years, 16 years. 'Cause a little more than finding out who I am, and it's overwhelming, I guess. - I don't know, I just thought of that like really, when did I start this? 'Cause I keep thinking I'm crazy. - I'm like, what is this new shit coming to my head? - I know, it's been really great. - When I started getting very spiritual, I was like, okay, am I schizophrenic? - Thank you. - Yes, I got older, crazy, I don't know. - I thought so too, I thought so too. But it's because you're learning so much so fast, you're transforming really fast. So it's like, not like everybody else. I had to learn the hard way, I guess. You know what, everybody learns the hard way, whether they're aware of it or not, because if they haven't learned how to love themselves a lot, they're learning the hard way every day. - Yeah, that's like the hardest thing to do, I think. - Yep. - I don't know. - But that is, I don't love everything. I just know I'm a hard, and I know-- - I've learned to love it all, you know? I feel like every single version of me, every part of me has something really good about it. And I'm embracing the fact that I'm a human, and we are allowed to make mistakes, and we are allowed to take up as much space as we need. - So people are led to just be like, "Okay, you don't have what we have at this point." But that's the messed up part, is like, some people mentally aren't getting it together, they're just financially surviving. - And they're really losing it. Whereas I feel like they handled that first. - Right. - Mm-hmm. - You know, that's how I try to look at it. Like, why did it take so long? But it took so long because I couldn't be in my mindset and functionally keep a job. I mean, I had a lot of jobs, but it seemed like I was quitting. - Yeah. - So. - Well, I mean, that's what happens when you kind of lose motivation to like, a compliment or do anything when you don't like yourself, it doesn't feel worthwhile to do anything. - Yeah. Because I went from like canoeing every freaking other weekend, doing like country girls stuff. So I'm sitting in my room, not coming out. I remember things like that, or like, what is that called? Like, thinking horrible, like immoral thoughts of, I didn't think in the back, she was. You know, I'm like, why am I thinking these thoughts? Like, that's not a my age. I'm just like, there's just a bunch of that stood out that I see now. - Yeah. I mean, that's kind of all you can do, you know, is just think each version of you that got you here. And, you know, they, you know better now. You're doing better, like mentally. So. - Yeah. - I feel great here, but I'm understanding more. - Yeah, yeah. Well, there's a lot. There's a lot for us to rewire in there when you're completely unraveling who you are. - That's a lot of work. - Yeah, exactly. It's like unraveling a bunch of wires. That's what we're gonna do. Oh, is that my perfect, perfect metaphor for my life? It's gonna stuff like that for a minute. So it's like, gross, press it over and you gotta pull it apart. I can't stand doing that. So it's like, I'm like, that's semi. - Yeah, I know. I've been through it. It's not a good time. - No. - And so I look at it as, well, the other side of it, this is gonna be great. It has to be, has to be. Why else would I be on through, like, British? - You know, what I tell my clients that, like, are having trouble with anxiety is to kind of meditate on the feeling that they wanna have. I worked with this coach who was on the show and she asked me to think about how I wanted to feel at the end of this thing that I was nervous about. - Yeah. - So I've been doing that because I wanted to feel so good and I just sat in that feeling and it felt, I felt completely calm and open. So I've been having clients do that, like, hey, you know, like, how do you wanna feel when this is over because you can feel that at the beginning too. What if we skipped all the stress and just said, I know it's going to be okay because one step after another, whatever happens, what if the worst case scenario ends up being the best case scenario? - Thank you. I see that. - You're happy, you know? - You never know. When I trip walking in the road and everybody sees me, I just make sure they know, I'm embarrassed. Sorry, I'm gonna keep walking. Like, it's just like, I don't even know. It's just like, just, I don't know how to explain it, honestly, I don't, every day is something different. But, you know, I don't know, I've never been to Washington. I had never been before coming here. So the fact that I can't learn anything and I'm just learning like street crap just so I can get ahead. - Yeah. - I don't know this, like, I don't. Well, if you, I know a couple of people out there, so if you send me your phone number in Instagram, I'll see, I'll reach out and see if they've got any resources. - Yeah, I have one lady looking out. I know at this point in my life, I'd be calling my mom. I know it, I like, I feel it. I would have called mom and I feel like, sometimes she's like, they don't call me about everything. And I see that now and it sucks. But. - Well, she just wanted a little bit of a phone. - It sucks that you are learning the hard way now, how to trust yourself. But, you know, trusting yourself doesn't have to mean doing everything on your own. It means knowing when you need to ask people around you out. That's part of being vulnerable. You are doing it by yourself. - Yeah, yeah. I just, I guess, like, emotionally, mentally, physically, everyone's where I expected my mom. I expected, like, more than a human should give and I didn't mentally think of it. Like, I think everybody expects, you know, the best out of people. I didn't expect it like that. - Right. - It's just like, one knew what to say. She knew what I've been through. She didn't know about the rape and all that. Until years later, but she had an idea because she took the time to talk to me, to try and understand me. That's the only person in my whole life that has literally tried to understand me, to the point where she took the Xanax, to understand why I was taking them all the time. - Right. - Like, hated that whole situation. And then people, like, look at it. Like, oh, your mom was a person, like, ATM. I'm like, are y'all serious? I was actually my mom every single day. It's just, I just have to ignore it because at the end of the day, mom knows, I know, that's how it was. But my family have made this hell. - Yeah. - So, freaking hell. Every day I have my siblings, thankfully, and my dad. Everything else is like, I don't even care, okay. - Yeah, well, it's time to rebuild and find faith. - Yeah, yeah. She's interesting. That's what I'm learning. - I can tell, I love it. - Yeah, I don't know how to take her. Take it, yeah, I just, I feel weird. I just feel weird all the time. - Well, because you're open now, you're open to the feelings of others, the energies of others. - I was definitely feeling nervous. - I don't like it at all. - It changes. - It changes you. You're, you know, I think because you're so used to living in your masculine to survive and you're not comfortable with the feminine. - It's all so soft. I'm just always trying to make someone's day better. Whether I smile, I don't want to just say, "Oh, your hair looks great, just something stupid." I'm always just trying to like, make it better. Because I know that miserable life. - Yeah, and I don't like it. And I tried to make everyone else measurable. So I'm doing opposite now. - Yeah. - It's overwhelming. - But though, like, face, we have some real mixed up programming about how to take care of ourselves. You have to put yourself first in every way. - I learned that. I learned that the hard way, Austin. - You can't really give from a place that doesn't feel resentment if you're not. - Right, I know. I'm getting there. I feel like there's a lot about me all of, but there's a lot I need to deal with. But I feel like, what the hell? How do I deal with this and that and that? It's gonna happen and I'm gonna do it 'cause I've done it and I'll be okay. That's all I've done. - One step at a time. - Yeah, every hurdle gets easier, but it just seems like it. - I know, I know. - It's like the worst case scenario every time. And it can be simple and just done. But it seems so bad. - Yeah. - I couldn't get in the building the other day. I was like, this is bad. I'm like, can't get on on the phone. Can't get in the building. You heard earlier how it was. - Yeah, that was ridiculous. - Like, why? - I'm at the ATM. I didn't have a card. So the cardless one didn't work. It's all today. - Oh my God, you were saying not normal. - I, it's not normal. - It's not normal. - It's not, you're right. - I don't know. I'm just like, you're building me for something. I don't know what, but I'm not, I mean, I'm strong. Don't, let's not test that, please. - No. - Yeah, I'm so tired. - You're, you're about to come out the other side. - I know. I know it's, don't make it any harder. I don't need to push. I just like, like, might have. - Yeah. - We'll see. - I have a client coming up, but if you will send me your phone number, I will reach out to people and see if they know anything that would help you. - Yeah, that'd be great. I appreciate that so much. - Absolutely. Thank you so much for coming on the show. - Thank you for having me. - Absolutely. And if you want anything for me to post any of your (indistinct chatter) - Okay, yeah, that'd be cool, actually. - Okay, have a great rest of your day. - All right, you two, thank you. - Thank you, bye. - Bye. (upbeat music) - Hey, hey, hey, what do you say? Listen, first and foremost, please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five-star rating on whichever platform that you are listening. If you want to support the show, please rate, like, and share. Also like, comment, and share on any social media posts that you see for me on Instagram or Facebook or TikTok. Please follow the podcast Facebook, emotionally unavailable podcast. You can shop my foot online, store, or schedule a one-on-one with me emotionally on the availablepodcast.org. I'm offering what I'm calling non-traditional counseling, astrology readings, and tarot readings. And thank you so much for listening to the Emotionally Unavailable Podcast. (upbeat music) - All right, that's my combo with faith. Again, please go to the Instagram and comment, some love to faith. And if you know anyone in the Seattle area, please help us sister out, okay? (upbeat music) I am D E P E and Cook.