Welcome back to anonymously unavailable with Jane Doe, week 14! We love Jane shows! Thanks for following along our finding peace journey. Next, we will be discussing the book, "BARE", by Raina O'Dell. You can find her book here: https://www.amazon.com/Bare-Unveiling-my-Naked-Truth/dp/1959955403/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3OM58AA04608G&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.cUEjgNMo8ou-ixI7Yw2h1OpJUDeX_BArjBE1wmxdu1zUbaXlMpgfOFiMqeA2sPSk.RDy5xMi2MFd4w-np_m2TD8zec9L1At_bQyIpqKi3Cmw&dib_tag=se&keywords=bare+raina+odell&qid=1726794235&sprefix=bare+raina+odell%2Caps%2C322&sr=8-1
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 63: Endings and Beginnings (Anonymously Unavailable with Jane Doe E14-Finding Peace Wrap Up)
Yeah, that's right. Like, here's the new dick pic. Show me that. Uh, send me pictures of your inside, uh, healing. Yeah, that's right. Like, here's the new dick pic. Show me that. Show me your little heart growing and expanding and allowing love in, please. Yeah, let me know when that happens and then we can. Let me know when that happens and then we can. [Music] Welcome to Emotionally Unavailable, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy. I'm your host, Melissa Hepner, and I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self-discovery and connection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape, this podcast is here to inspire, empower, and entertain. So get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together. Hi, guys. How's everybody doing? Welcome back to anonymously unavailable with Jane Doe. This is episode 14 with Jane Doe. Hello, Jane. I love you so much. It is the very last week of our Finding Peace series, and I have no idea what we talked about. So, have fun with that. And we are going to start our next book club for the, well, we're doing the Rayna Odell book Bear. I want to make sure the link to that is in the show notes if anybody wants to follow along with that. I'm kind of hoping to have her back on to kind of discuss our findings through the book, but mostly we just want to start to take in the experience of others and see if there's anything that we can learn through their stories. And, yeah. I don't know. Anyway, life is good. It's really good. And, you know, if it's not good for you right now, just know that it can be. And I'm thinking about you and holding you. And, I don't know, just really grateful for everyone. So thank you guys. And I hope that you enjoy this episode. Emotionally unavailable. Hi, Pity. Hi. Okay. I'm just going to turn it off. And we're right. We got you. We got you. We're going to be extra anonymous today. You won't get to see that I finished my walk late and I don't have any makeup on and I just slid in here exactly at 11 a.m. It's fine. It's whatever. Well, I did get to see you for a second. I think you look lovely. Thank you. This dim lighting is not doing many favors, but, you know, it's fine. I was really appreciating the slick ponytail, if I'm being honest. Oh, I got it, girl. It's terrible. I love it. It's gorgeous. I love it on you. Everybody is so into those. And it's always weird because that was not our thing. It was like there was our thing. You remember? And so I'm like, every time I put my hair back like this, I'm like, okay, I don't know. We got our pony, you know, me and my friend, Anna, that I used to work with, who is one of the people that I violently pushed away. I think I'm not, I shouldn't laugh about it. But I'm just, I can't even think about it very often because I was valid in my perspective, but I ghosted her. And like, of course, I feel the need to apologize, but I don't feel like it's fair for me to pop up in somebody's life and be like, I'm sorry I was a dick. Yeah. That was so weird. I didn't understand that at the beginning of my journey. So. I had lots of conversations with people apologizing and just like, that didn't really make them feel better. It mostly made you feel better. My name is Earl. Hey, did all of these terrible things in TV on you? Yeah, I still don't like you, but I'm really sorry. I acted that way towards you. And actually, I feel like now, Anna and I could be just as close as we were when we worked together, but I, you know, the truth is, is that like, I felt betrayed. And he collected and a little rejected and abandoned and I just fucking flipped a switch and was like, fuck you. And that was that. I mean, I'm good at it. I wish I could flip that switch in my history with people like that I was intimate with. Like, if I could, I, oh man, I would have never needed a healing journey though so because I would never know how much I messed myself up. It wasn't for all that. So it's like, okay, I know, but damn, I just, you know, of course, the masculine in me. I would love the amount of control that would give me to be like, I no longer have feelings for you. Goodbye. Yeah. Or if maybe having feelings did not equate to bullshit of self doubt. Yeah, self esteem issues, feeling like you're worthless. You know, all that, that would have been nice too. But here we sit all, you know, in our healing. So I guess it was worth it. But boo on dudes. That's all I know. Somebody sent me a thing the other day that basically said their therapist told them, imagine being bit by a snake. Instead of trying to help yourself, like, get rid of the poison and heal the wound, you're trying to catch the snake and find out why it bit you and prove to that snake that you didn't deserve to be bit. I hate that, but damn it. That makes no sense. That's fucking analogy. I mean, it's so good. And I feel like that is like all of my relation, my intimate relationships is like, Hey, I didn't deserve that. Justice, like, exactly. Just move on. It doesn't actually, like, and then when you look at those people, you're like, I'm so good. Like, what? Why? Just why? That's my thing is that I wish moving on mint. Like, I wish it didn't occupy a part of your brain a little bit, you know, like at all. Like, I have moved on, obviously, but like. I still think about it. You know, like, why wasn't I like, why? And even though logically, I know it really didn't have anything to do with me. I still wanted the fucking outcome to be different. And yeah, I didn't get it. So, like, still, still, I'm like, well, I'm just going to allow the feelings to come when they come. And then I release them and it'll just be a constant release until they're all gone. Yeah. I talked to my very first boyfriend the other day. We were messaging on Facebook. Um, we had a weird, you know, like death brings you together kind of thing. And so, um, I was just like a, you know, a one night back and forth exchange for several hours, like, catch up sash. And it's so funny to me because, like, in the moment when I loved him, I struggled with, like, he's too good for me. He's too good looking. His family is so much better than mine has this, this, this. And then, then fast forward 30 years, you know, whatever. And I'm like, um, yeah, none of those things are true. Those are all things that, like, I struggled with mine. Yep. None of them were actually true. And today, like, now, you know, the fruit has been more. And here we are. And actually, like, I'm kind of too good for you. That's so funny. Not that anybody's too good for somebody, but I might get it in that way anymore. You're comparing in a different way. Right. Like, now you're like, how do they not measure up instead of how was I not measuring? Exactly. It's a total different, like, metric, because I'm kind of emotionally grown. And I write, you know, yeah, I don't know. It's just so weird to, like, understand yourself. And feel like I wouldn't say I'm self-actualized, but I'm way more self-aware. And I think it's not actualized. I think so. Yeah, absolutely. You're standing in every ounce of power that you've ever wanted to stand in. Are you still human? And do you still struggle? Sure. I think you're exactly who you wanted to be. I think you're going through a new transformation based off, you know, our conversation yesterday. I think you're, you know, but that's a normal, we're at a very, like, normal developmental stage of our lives. Like, I keep telling clients, I either have 28 year olds because right before you're 30, right before you're 60, and then in the middle at 45, like around there, you know, you go through these transformational periods and they're normal. They're important, and you have a choice. I mean, it's the three major times in your life where there really are two paths. Like, I don't want to say it all like nasty, but like, there really are two paths that if you choose to abandon self and go with the flow, you're going to fuck the rest of your life up. Those are the times, those, these are the times that right before 30, 45 and right before 60, like, we have to transcend the normal bullshit, or you just get stuck in the same normal bullshit. And we are, we're doing that, but it's a normal, it's a normal thing to start from a certain place and decide where you want to end up and head towards that. And actually, I'm really glad that this is what's come up because I thought today, because this is going to be like our little wrap up of this book. I thought we could just like focus on the things that we are taking with us from this experience. Yeah. What are we going to release? What are we taking with us, you know, and how we can just reflect a little bit on how much we've grown in such a short amount of time. I was thinking about it, you know, just a little bit ago. And I was trying to figure out when Jenny came into our lives and, you know, all that stuff. Really, we're looking at about eight weeks. Wow. Eight. Well, we started the book club, but maybe 12 at the most at the very most. How much have we changed in 12. Wow. It's not the same person I was 12 week. I'm not even like it's there. I can't think of anything that is the same about me as 12 weeks ago. And that's the hope in the direction I'm trying to give everyone. And I would say the same for you, like, we are so vulnerable now. And we know who and when to tap into that and when, you know, like yesterday, when you were like, Oh, I got to get some shit done. You needed to tap into your masculine to do that because that's what keeps us structured and organized. And then, you know, you know, how to flow out of that when it's time for you time again. And this isn't, we know how this is what's crazy. This is just popping up to me now. It's kind of a revelation, but we're not just learning to manage our time and prioritize the things that we need to do. And I think we're learning, like, exactly how to live. I don't know if that sounds stupid, but it's like the basis of a routine is, you know, I'm going to go and I'm going to tap in, I'm going to lock in for this amount of time. And then I'm going to, like, allow after that, I'm going to take care of myself, make sure I'm in a good place. We know how to do that now we have so many tools for self. Like, I just, it's gotten overused, but we know how to literally make ourselves in a different space very quickly now. And for people who spent so many years overthinking nonstop. Oh my gosh, how happy is your brain now to not have that 24/7? Honestly, the difference to me, I was thinking about this the other day, it feels like life was happening to me, and I was sort of managing it. And now, like, I get to be, like, I decide. Yeah, a little bit like I get to make the decision. And I'm like, no, okay, I see this is what's happening to you, and here's why you feel that way, and I can have some compassion for that. And so I'm just not going to do this. And yep, I can see that you want me, like, when it works, okay. Yeah, I see why you want me to do that. I don't have the capacity to do that. So I'm just saying no, like, no, I do that. This is your job. And honestly, I think before I was a little bit afraid of, like, saying and doing those things, and I'm like, because I understand where their reactions are coming from. So, no, it's not about, like, I'm disappointing everybody, because it's actually not about me. Everything I do is about me. Everything they do, not about me. And that distinction has been so freeing for my little people, please, or ask me. Yeah. Okay, well, this is about you. This is your deal. I can't care about that. I don't have any control over that. Well, let's, let's pause for a second. I think you and I felt as if we had mastered our people pleasing tendencies prior to this book. I think that we thought we were great at setting boundaries and we were in some areas. We were much better than we'd ever been. Right. But I really believed. But we were playing my basketball football. Right. Oh, there was an NFL. Yes. And it's like, wait a minute. I can be better at this even. Okay. And, and it's not work. Before it was work, I had to work and not. Right. And now it's just like, I don't, I don't feel those things. Yeah, absolutely. And, and again, I think learning like what you said about it truly is about them. And my shit truly is about me. I love so much. The ability to not sit in judgment of others at all times of my life in an effort to protect myself. I noticed how sensitive I am to the negativity now. And it's in some ways, it's really pushing me away from some people. But it's like, I can't care because if all that we have in common is you talking shit and me providing some sort of insight or adding to the shit. I just don't want it. I, I don't, I have so many more things to spend energy on than shit talk. Like, I just, like, there's, I don't know, there's just certain things that like all think and just don't even talk about because I don't want. The energy and the negativity that it would take to even get into the conversation and not in a way that's like me just missing something serious in myself, but like, I'm talking. You know, like I'd want to, I've heard something that like I am interested in discussing, but I think about me repeating the information and I'm like, God, it's just so pointless. It's negative. Why am I even thinking about it? You know what I mean? And I think to learning how much outside influences like the media I was consuming impacted me very negatively. And I wouldn't have said that either before. I got annoyed when Brian would be, you know, like, are you sure that's like good for you to just listen about murdered people all day? Yeah, it's fine. It's not affecting me. Okay. Well, it has to. It was definitely affecting me. So, you know, now I'm into listening to spiritual shit or someone else's podcast or whatever, you know, like, I just, I'm just being so careful. But I love that you said you have found that ability to happen to the world and so the world happened to you. I remember the first time I ever thought about that was actually back in my internship of bajillion years ago. And learning to be a little baby therapist. And, you know, at that internship, I was really lucky and was able to, like, do counseling with kids, you know, supervised, obviously, but, but one of my little clients. I was kind of like, damn dude, this kid, I don't know. And so one of our last sessions, I was trying to tell them, like, you know, I don't hear a lot of accountability in this. And let me just tell you the power that can come when you do take responsibility because then it's you happening to the world, the world's not just happening to you. And any time I have felt just completely out of control in my life, it's like, no, the world is at me and I'm not, it's not from my vantage point. It's from like their vantage point and I'm just stuck and being run into and run over and blah. And now, yeah, I feel absolutely in control. And, and I don't want to say that in a way that says, Oh, I had control before. And I just didn't realize it because I absolutely didn't. You can't control triggers like that. If you don't know how to, yes, you can with the right work, but that's why we're able to sit here 12 weeks later and be like, damn, a lot's changed in 12 weeks, but that we were able to find the control. So I'm saying that, you know, for people like Brian, who I, it's been a long time explaining to him, like, I don't get a say over how that comes up, but now that I understand what's happening, I can slow it down enough to where then I can go regulate. But it's always dealing with the feeling first before I was just trying to regulate with self control. And now I know how to with my feelings because I understand I have a huge betrayal wound that is triggered every day of my life, every single day, at least once I'm like, Oh, there it is. There's I felt betrayed. And now it's almost a game. I want to notice the, the, the wounding, you know, like, Oh, there it is. Wouldn't give you more control. Yes. Yeah. Wouldn't have thought that would trigger it. It did. Okay. Interesting. Now I'll be aware in that situation next time that that can be a struggle for me. No big, like, it's not. It's really not that big of a deal now. And, and also I think my perfectionism, I probably, I'm so thankful that was something that I didn't realize I was struggling so hard with, like, I'm so glad to understand that I was not giving myself a single inch of room to just be. Trying to fit my own self in a box and determine everything beforehand and make sure I could keep myself safe by being perfect. And that looked for me like, Oh, no, I cried over that like I can't believe that I let that get me to that place. Okay. Okay. Well, we don't have to judge ourselves for being human and having a whole point. I never said, Well, I want to feel, but only if that means I'm not going to become a crier. Yeah. You want to feel the good things. Mm hmm. Wait a minute. That's the conditioning that I was trying to get rid of. Right. Yeah. It's been so cool to get to be so introspective in such a healthy way, because I think we've judged ourselves for so many years, dude. Just feeling like, Okay, if I can just get here, and now I'm like, no, I'm here, like, this is, this is, I was watching this TikTok a few weeks ago. And this girl was talking about her experience with manifesting. And, you know, she did the whole, how's it going to feel whenever I reach that goal that I have. And she's like, I gotta be honest, am I rich, am I, no, but I'm, I'm feeling my life feels the way I wanted it to feel. And she's like, yeah, that's sweet, but I still, I still want the income too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was like, okay, I mean, I'm with you, but I think everybody hits that place when you got to understand like, okay, what am I actually chasing here. What is that feeling. It really is, it truly is. And I'm trying so hard to surrender and be like, it will come, you know, but it's stressful a little bit so I get caught in that a little bit sometimes but overall I do feel like I've arrived to the life I wanted if I feel this happy all the time. I mean, yes, there's days where I'm a little bitch here and whatever and I have to work at feeling happy, or just allow whatever's kind of taken over and just understands trying to help me. Then, you know, I realized, okay, I need to, there's probably something I need to address here. Okay, I'll address it. But like, overall, I'm pretty fucking happy, right, and very much in control. So, like honestly that, like, I think the other thing is that we have all these goals because we think when we get to that level that some change is going to erupt inside of us but actually, you know, they're definitely like you have to have some money. You have to have like everybody has to have something right, but the difference between like $1 million and $5 million, not that big of a difference. Like your core needs for your lifestyle are met. I feel like, I feel like people that, I mean, no judgment, but to me, it seems that when you have these like very lofty money goals it's like that is indicative that you have something to prove. You know, it's like, yeah, I don't even have that. I for sure want like, well, because I want to be able to travel and I want to have the chances with the people I love. And so like that part of it, but genuinely that's not about money that goes back to like, I just want to be happy every day. I want to be in life and I want to be happy and I want to be able to facilitate that with the people that I love. So I need money to do that. Right. You know what I mean? Like, but it's a little like that like core like, what's my goal? Like, like love and experience the world and just like, just be, you know, well, and I think too, if you, if you think about it again, I've said this a few times recently, but if you put this certain number down on a business plan and you do all these action steps to hit this number, you're missing so much on the journey. Like you're, because you're, you've got a very singular focus where I'm trying really to keep the center of everything I'm doing this feeling and the impact that I want to make because that is the value that is the purpose that is my passion. But, you know, I also am making it very clear that I feel deserving of wealth in return, but this is what I was telling Brian the other day is I used to say that I was deserving. And I felt it, but I felt like I was deserving for like a karma thing like I've put up with enough shit it's time to get some shit right now, I, and maybe this was the shift that was supposed to happen but now. I feel so fucking worthy and valuable, and my current self with my current skills, because I'm very good at this. So, I'm like, yes, I, and I, it was a very important distinction that I didn't even realize. Like you said, we think there's going to be this major big explosion within us of like 35 aha moments at one time blah blah blah. And, and I will say this at first the aha moments were crazy big but I think it's because I was begging the universe to help me like please anything. I'll do anything to not want to die like this like I'm nearly not going to do it right now so if I could just not fucking feel this every minute of every day. That's what I want. And so yeah I started to get these like major epiphanies and they were crazy and they were kind of explosive inside me but I was begging for that. And then as I've grown more and more and more, it's these little tiny moments of a conversation with you where I go huh, yeah I guess I hadn't thought of that and it means something completely new. And it gives me this fresh new perspective and I feel like like Reina talks about in her book and we haven't read it yet that's our next book but you know she talks about that in her book. Each chapter was like a different lifetime of her I feel like I've lived times every day for the last 12 weeks. Yeah, like I'm not I've become I've been reborn every day for the last 12 weeks. I mean it's amazing but very intentional we've spent a lot of time on this this wasn't a fucking joke to us we were very dissatisfied and we wanted to address that. And I think we have I really, I feel so good about our progress and everybody else's who's been following along because I see this in all of the people who are doing this work like I saw Suzanne for a wax this week. And we both got emotional with each other like just loving each other you know and I wish I could remember now what she was telling me she's proud of but she was telling me she was proud of me for something. And I don't remember what like triggered her like tears but prior to that she was telling me I'm so glad that you are teaching Charlie what you are because I can think of so many times I was made to feel uncomfortable. And then was dismissed to tell an adult like blah blah we weren't sure they didn't mean anything by that you know, and how many times were we told that. And, and so she was like telling me thank you and then I got an email from someone to that said thank you for that because it also heals me a little bit every time I hear you say it. Like I'm allowed to not be nice like people our age are still struggling with how to respond to older men that make them comfortable. And I'm like thank you I needed I needed those words at the time that I got them because you know that I still question myself and whatever. And it was so great but the part I wanted to tell you was when Suzanne was talking to me and she started to cry and she was you know just so proud of me and happy for me and whatever. I fucking hugged her. I was like I'll come here and like I just hugged her and held her while she finished what she was saying. And we were just like all lovey and she's like oh my god you just held me and I was like I know I really wanted to. It feels good you know but that's fucking growth and me being at the dog thing was growth and me talking shit about cow patties you know it's all growth and I love every single bit of it I really do and I would have missed all of that if my only goal was to become the certain number of wealthy you know I would have missed it all it's it's my north is very solidly grounded in the impact and I do know everyone orbiting me is impacted by me too. And I love that I was just going to say the ripple. You know so you're talking about how your house has changed obviously my life has changed the way I interact with my children and my partner. The way I talk to my dad is different I have such a different understanding of him and why he kind of behaves the way that he does. You know just other friendships my work stuff I mean it's just so different when you can separate those things and kind of understand intention you know. Because again it's not about me so now I can just like be in tune to like more about. And it almost makes you more compassionate for for them like you were just you know what I mean it's like oh well you see what she means now that's not about you that's about she's feeling you know. It's just so weird because mostly just because we've been not vulnerable as a form of protection and to feel like kind of take all of that armor off is like such a relief actually. So it's so heavy and like I you know I think I told you this yesterday like when I picture myself in social situations even and how much like the visualization what's actually happening inside is me extremely tense. Crouched over with every ounce of armor surrounding me and hurts and it's heavy and I'm scared. And the person I want to be just wants to be in that room with no expectations. I don't I want to be the sun. I want to shine on others but if that's not the flow of that room. I don't have to force anything if somebody comes up to me as long as my interaction with them is meaningful to me that's what matters I don't have to get in a masculine energy to force myself to be somebody I don't want to be in that moment I can be whoever the fuck I want to be whenever I want to be it. It's huge and even you know yesterday when you and I were talking. I I've learned so much about being able to sit and be present with people and I caught myself like being like wow I am like really listening like I like I'm not waiting to respond to you. I'm not you know what I mean like I'm like okay what else yeah and and that's a skill that I've had to get but the ability to do that now truly is from compassion like I don't need to dismiss you and try to make it better in that like I can hear everything first at least I'm gonna give my opinion in the way that I know to give it but like I can I can hear you and let you finish and do all that and not try to dismiss you in any way. I'm not going to ask you to see the bright side I'm going to sit with you in the dark you know. Oh my gosh I thought about you when I was at that funeral on Friday. I'll bet you did I bet it was a shit show you know how to get pissed at funerals. God you just would not believe some of the stuff that this guy was saying so. And he was old white guy. I'm so much yeah. And so the funeral she had a child who died. And so he was telling us that you know she never got over her child dying as no mother would. No parent yeah period I mean just you can't right. And but everything was okay and it was you know basically good because now she got to be with her son so everybody should be happy that she's reunited. This is not a day of celebration. Yeah we should be dancing about it because she gets to be with her son who who we all also loved and you know but whatever. I think for bringing that up guy right like whoo okay. And then he told us that it wasn't just her. It's all mothers all mothers and that that goes for miscarried babies too. And then he went on to tell us and even the moms who chose to not have their babies those babies would be there and know them by name in heaven. And I literally just had to like leave myself I had to leave myself. I had to leave myself because I was like I'm gonna fuck this guy up. We just gonna have all the little aborted babies like just chasing people around. And all I could I was like I gotta go to a weird place and then I was thinking about like the hoe that had 37 abortions and she's just like this heaven is my own personal how. Like what are you saying. God but this doesn't make anybody feel better like somebody that we loved is dead and this is the like you know what I mean. Yes. Like you really thought this was the thing to provide comfort and you can just see but this is what I hear now. When people sit around saying that dumb shit all I hear is their ego and their fear because they have no fucking idea what it feels like they obviously have run from their own feelings of loss. And so of course to them this is the thing where they fucking Baptist I swear to God I cannot know they were you know it girl I knew it. I knew it I fucking I hate them all I'm sorry I don't I hate all Baptist I hate all funerals that are run by a Baptist person I'm sorry it was. It was a lot and I'm pretty sure it was a Baptist that did my uncle's funeral too and I was like baby I'm about to just take that book right out your hand and just do this for you I really am. I really am about to. I just think like how this doesn't make anybody feel good. Well. It's all about holding space for two perspectives why does it have to be one or the other why can't you just say to people. I think it's like we are experiencing an immense loss but it's because they're ego because they every Baptist funeral I've ever been to takes the opportunity to fire and brimstone your ass into saying if you want to see your left one again. This is what you got to do no doing all the cool right there at the funeral yes. Please can I just go get some nicotine really quick because I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this I don't even have nicotine and it makes me want to. I'll kill a bitch I can. I can't see you what to me oh gosh anyway yeah it's crazy it's absolutely crazy the things that people say and and I guess you know I don't know. I don't know how to make all of that stuff better but. I mean yeah I don't either but but I thought about you and I was thinking I think you were dying. I was pretty triggered anyway but I was thinking I had to just like take solace and the fact that you would have lost yo shit. I thought my phone and immediately started texting you next to each other texting one another. Wow wow wow wow wow wow yeah you know men that's really all I can say right now men and that guy like. I don't know I don't know my dad used to say funerals are for the living yep and I always just wonder like who does that kind of stuff make feel better. The person saying it right so like I don't feel better if that doesn't make me feel better but see for me this is the thing I'm going to have you know we'll just say this now so that if everybody needs to come back and listen to my desires. Well first and foremost if anyone even attempts to use John Ireland funeral home for me that's going to be a no because we've all used them and I'm kind of tired of them. And so no no that's a no period. And then there will be no talk of religion at my funeral none at all. None anybody who even talks about God will be removed by somebody period. And I'm recording they're coming. Yup like period and other than that people can do whatever they want because the funeral is for them but nobody will try to comfort someone else by mentioning a religious principle period. If somebody wants to be sad they will fucking cry and that will be that and I hope that they have been enough people who have been impacted by this work will be there to sit and do whatever it is that they want to do in the whatever way they want to do it because that's fine but it will not be religious period. Yeah I agree I actually don't even care about having a funeral. If somebody wants to do that to make them feel better fine whatever I mean I just don't I think that is such a waste of time. Don't bury my body in the ground how weird. Like why am I taking up pressure space no thank you. You know I've been thinking about this okay I've been thinking about this because you know I've spent a lot of time thinking about dumb shit but okay. I was like oh my gosh I don't know if I could ever be cremated because the thought of being burned right. Well then as I've worked in hospice all these years and whatever I'm like yeah yeah I mean it's whatever but I'm I was like my preference is probably burial because I want them to have a place to go but. I'm like oh my god it's so expensive like just screaming and if you want a service do that somewhere else but. You have to I think I want to go ahead and like pay for a place for my ashes to go because. I've been breathing my calls kind of heard some stuff about like like where am I supposed to put them now where you know like you did give somebody your ability of your ass if you don't and I'm like okay well that makes sense too. And I'm like you can you can throw me into the ocean or the lake if that helps like I don't give a fuck now I don't want to tell the boys where I want to be. I want to talk to them about it and I want it to be a place where they can go. That's like happy and they're like get away place. So at some point I want to buy a lake house and I'd like to be there. And then I will feel like I'm part of holidays and family. You know what I mean yeah and take the money that you would spend and you know if we don't have a lake house then buy one buy one for your family. And put me in the lake there and buy a little semen thing that has my name and date on it that's it make one yourself from the little kid at Hobby Lobby and put it in the garden. Yeah, that will be me and that's it and my presence can be there and then you always have a place that you can go, but you're not paying the machine. Right. Yeah, and in terms of like I think I've been to enough funerals now to where I'm like I don't want to in any funeral home or in need of don't. If anybody thought that they were going to do anything for me in a church I will tell you this right now. I will fucking haunt you like period I will do whatever I'm allowed to do from the other side to fucking wreck your world if you take my body in any form into a church or ask people to gather in a church to speak. That I'm not even kidding. I don't want not any spiritual center. Nothing. I don't want anything like that done for me at all. Yeah, I don't either that's really rather you do nothing. And actually I did used to spend a lot of time I fantasize about my funeral like because that was all I had was like, well, you know, but I think like at least I'm making an impact in the world and so like I'll think about my funeral. And that'll be the time when people say nice thing. No, you know what guys, let's get in the habit of saying nice shit to each other now. When you're alive now tell me if you admire me fucking tell me I don't. Yeah, I believe all attend my funeral I do believe that but it's not going to mean then what it means now. Like I'm gonna be in my spiritual self I'm not going to be attached to this human body anymore. So if you say if you have something to say fucking say it bro like that's fine that's okay. But the funeral is for the living it's for that closure and I do believe in the funeral I really really do I think I do too because I think you know I think your point about saying something to you is good. But it would be creepy if people said stuff to your kids, you know, and and you do want, you know, you do want your kids and people want to be able to tell your kids the impact that you had. So if you like the idea of like some sort of some celebration of just your general, absolutely. Yeah, I would hope my all like a fundraiser for some nonprofit. Don't buy flowers. Everybody just come together and like we'll have coffee and stories. And then that's it. Like we're just gonna love that I would love if my closest friends did their own thing first like where you guys got together and, and did something that I would think was cute or fun and experienced me in that way. And then, you know, the group thing can be anyone who's impacted my life wants to show that to my kid. I mean, yes. Yeah, I mean that's really the only reason I want to have something I want the boys, the boys don't get to go to work with me and they don't get to do stuff and they're not with my friends, you know, right. They are, you know, they're many adults now but as they grow and have their own families they'll become even more detached 20 years ago they do all my friends because they came with me everywhere and they came up there all the weekends, you know. But, but they don't see that anymore and so I do think it's good for them to like here and see and understand. So maybe you so I bought this thing it's called my deathbook Dustin refuses to do it with me. I have something similar, but yeah it's like where you go through and you just do the whole thing and you put all of your stuff and you know. And I kind of want to design it. Yeah, like the control freak I am, but I really think it's a little bit of a gift for the love you. Then they get to feel like they're giving you one kind of service to honor you and you take that burden away from them. Yes, as a person who has buried both of my parents and my grandma and then attended lots and lots of funeral and dealt with the bullshit with other families after. It is so much better when they know exactly what you want. Now there can be some detriment there if it really like my grandma didn't want to cremate one of my aunts it was tough for her to think about her baby being burned. I understood that, but she allowed it, but she did it. She still. She did a funeral first and then cremation that was her consolation and for me, I've told everyone hey, no matter what I say if it's something that's hurting you just fucking do whatever you want. I don't care. You know, I want you to be happy. I don't want you to wrestle with any decisions that are made period. I don't give a fuck. I promise you. So if you if it is in direct conflict with the need of yours, figure it out. It's okay. I don't even end of life care. I had a very staunch view on, you know, artificial hydration nutrition and, you know, respiratory system that breathes for you. But I was like hell or high water. That's that. But now I'm like, this is what I want still. I do not want to be kept alive. But at the same time, if you need to give me a little more time than I would prefer for you to come up with the decision yourself that yes, there is no likelihood of return. That's fine. You can you can take as long as you need for that. I I'm not I'm assuming I'm going to be in a vegetative state anyway. So we'll just let me veg for a little bit. And then you can do that when you're ready. Whereas used to, I was like, Oh, blah, blah, blah. But I'm really just into I'm not going to care. And you have to be the one to live with everything afterwards. And I don't want to live with something that will hurt you. No, that's actually very smart. Well, there are benefits to working in hospice. I'll tell you, you get a lot of shit because I mean, you know, your opinions change whenever. Listen, I've attended a ton of funerals, tons and tons for patients and some of them were very entertaining and hilarious because they were such shit shows and some of them were awful because of the preacher and some of them were the most beautiful things I've ever seen. And I'm like, I hope that I've lived a life that that's going to be shown no matter what, like my beauty and my love and my kindness and my compassion. And I no longer feel like those things aren't valid or relevant in my life because I have quote unquote a temper. I don't have a temper. I had a very sensitive nervous system and I was very reactive because I didn't know how to regulate my emotions, but now I do. And when I am triggered in a bigger way, it does not detract from any of my amazing positive qualities. It might to the person that's experiencing it and that might impact our relationship, but who I am at my core truly is a very loving, kind, caring, compassionate person. But I'm a lot of things all wrapped into one. And I hope all of that shines at the end of my life when people are reflecting on me. And it's nice now to be able to say those things about myself and I think that's why a funeral isn't so alluring anymore because people would say things like that about me before and it didn't feel true. I mean, I can see why you would say that because I am really nice to you, but like, you know, I mean, I wasn't nice to myself. So could I possibly accept any compliments and I was so uncomfortable because I was like, oh, you probably wouldn't say that if you knew the real me or, you know, and I think that's been probably my biggest takeaway from all of this is compassion. I no longer feel the need to judge myself or anyone else that harshly to sit around thinking about them, talking about them, anything like I truly. I would rather process something very quickly feel it and release it then to like let's say text you and bitch about something really meaningless like I used to, you know, like a lot to me then. But now it's like, man, I, my, my, my peace currency that's too expensive. Yeah, you about it. It's now becoming bigger and it never even needed to get that place anyway because ultimately the venting is just talking shit and I don't need to talk shit about them or me. So, you know, and it just doesn't benefit us in any way like if we really say it's not as fun to sit and like talk shit like that when you're not hurting in any way. Yeah, I mean, to me that was a way of dismissing something in myself like I didn't, I was, I was addressing the dissatisfaction by comparing myself to somebody else and be like, at least I ain't, you know, I mean, shoot. That's actually true. You might be right. We'll find out. You know what I'm going to do today. I'm going to work. I'm going to go home. I got a roast I'm going to put in. Oh my gosh. Banana bunk cakes. I figured out like my self care. I need to be busy. I'm not a rest. Get it off your mind kind of like, Oh, do you want to watch a movie like I don't I'm going to be anxious the whole time like that's not. But if I have to do stuff and use my brain in a different way. So like I love baking. Yeah, I love creating stuff and then while I'm actually doing stuff I'll clean up and I feel like when I have order it makes me feel so good. So I'm going to start the week fresh and delicious little breakfast pastries and you know what I mean like embracing yourself that's not going to be some Zen Buddha bitch that we were trying to do. We're not those people. We're not going to be those people. I'm not getting up at five to do yoga. I love it. I love the idea of it or the idea of it. But that is just not me. I mean, I'm I know how badly I need to stretch and I know that yoga would be so it's I need to do it for my pain. And I need to do it for connection with my inner self. But the idea of sitting and doing it for any prolonged amount of time just turns me off man. I like I like to move. That's why I'm having trouble being chained to the computer all the time because I want to go for a walk and enjoy and I want to go, you know, embrace some sunlight, do some pickleball, do that kind of stuff. But as long as we are trying to either use a creative energy or aggressive energy in the right way, as long as we're doing it in a way that is for us. We have to look exactly the same for everyone like this morning. Actually, I was re listening to our episode from Friday. And I was thinking, you know, a different kind of journal where we are not just forced to be free right where people really can struggle with that. But just like, here's a little space for that, because like Josie's planner is so good. It's on the other side of the room, but every page is the same and it's like, what can I either ditch, delegate or delay. There's like, what's something I can do for me today, what's an affirmation I'm needing, what's a question I can ask myself. It's that kind of thing. And I was like, well, I know how to make a journal, I can make that easy. So, like in terms of formatting, and I can just make it this really pretty thing that I really like, you know, so I was thinking about that this morning, but for me, whenever I need my mind busy, I have to get into creativity because that's the only thing that will get me into a flow state. And when you are creating food, it's the same. Yeah, it is. Isn't that crazy. It's weird how like nice sort of know things about yourself. And then I think back to when I was most at peace. And I always thought I just really loved mothering young kids. Oh my God. Yeah. And then I was like, well, but no, I baked cookies all the time and I made fresh bread and I was like in like more domestic. You know what I mean? You're in your feminine baby. Yeah. And I love that. Honestly, I like it way more without the kids, but I didn't know that then, you know, right. Yeah. Because you can, you know, you don't have to worry about burning them with the oven, right up your ass when you're trying to cut something. Yeah. I missed them a whole bunch, but like the like release. Yeah. It was actually like the creating the doing stuff. Like I love that. I've really loved Bryson being home. And he loves to cook now since he had a very cooked and he kind of wants to be in charge of the meal, but like he's, you know, still learning how to multitask and things when he's cooking. So I love being in there, getting to kind of tidy the whole way. You know what I mean? Like I'm the one who's picking up things and washing a dish as we, you know, after we've used it, kind of doing it together. Yes, it's been so fun. And every time I make sure to stop and just feel so much gratitude because I have not been cooking. Uh, God, really, at least four years, because I just got so fucking overwhelmed and cooking meant cleaning after because if I cooked, I had to clean it because nobody else would, you know what I mean? And some of that's my fault. We could get into it. It's not that serious, but like, you know, that was a narrative I had, and I didn't know how to ask for help and, and I didn't know how to accept that it wasn't going to happen. The second they put their last bite down and the fork is down. You know what I mean? Like, I'm okay now, letting the dishes sit there for a little bit until somebody else grabs them, stuff like that. Like, I've just learned how the fuck to exist and not be so upset by everything everyone else is doing. And so I can really enjoy that. And I'm not so tired that I don't have the energy to do it. We have loved cooking together. Like, we've cooked so many times in the last month together. And it's so great. And we try new recipes. And it's been so much fun. I love doing that. It is a creative outlet for me and Bryson's teaching me shit because I'm a little bit more but no. And he's like, we got to add some spice to that shit. And I'm like, okay. So yeah, I'm for this. Good for him. Oh yeah, dude. He's so good at it. He's, he's, this is the thing I'm trying to teach them is like what I was taught, like how to clean as you go. Yeah, but it's not that serious. And it's like, I, as long as I'm not having to do all the cooking and all the cleaning. I don't care. Like, it's fun to be in there with him and we just have like fun conversation while we're doing that. You know, it's just so fun. And we have an open concept in the living room and kitchen. So anyone in there, we're just like, you know, hey, just talking and the whole house is just so much happier during that time than it used to be. Man, I just love this for you so much. I miss, I miss that proximity with the kids. Oh, in the kitchen, that was kind of our place to kind of share. You know, you just start doing stuff and then they're a little more chatty and, you know, yeah, I do miss that a whole bunch. I mean, I wouldn't mind a little, a little more space, you know, a little less proximity would probably be okay. But, but no, I'm serious. We're, we're just, we're just moving differently. I didn't realize I was the barometer of this place so much but like Jake. The other night we were talking and, you know, we can't hold his thoughts or feelings in. He was like, yeah, me and Bryson had a really good talk last night, blah, blah, blah, but then he had to tell me about the talk and, you know, some of it was some shit talk about me and I was like, I didn't need that baby. I was like, it wasn't that big, but he was like, well, you know, you complain a lot, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, well, let me stop you because I don't think that's a recent event. He's like, yeah, no, I guess I wouldn't really know I haven't seen you very much lately. I'm like, right. So that, you know, but that's, yeah, you're right. But let me tell you what that actually was. It wasn't complaining. It was me being triggered and on a spiral bubble. I said, well, that makes sense. He's always really open and sweet, but I was thinking, okay, well. It was all though, because he said you get stressed really easily. And I was like, well, I was getting stressed really easily. You're right. But, you know, when's the last time you can remember me behaving like that? And he's like, well, I guess you're right. Exactly. Everything he said. I was like, okay, I feel that. But when's the last time you remember me doing that? So everything was like, oh, okay. And I was like, yeah, see, it's getting better. Everything's fine. Like, we're good. And I did control the temperature around here. Like, if I was freaking out, everybody's walking on eggshells. And I still see it. I can see them running to anticipate a need. And I'm like, hey, I know why you're doing that. And I'm very sorry I've ever created an environment where you needed you, but please stop because that's not necessary. I'm fine. I know exactly what I need when I need it. And I'm going to take care of myself when I need to. But, man, they're for a minute. I mean, a year straight, probably. No, I guess not that long. But I would say from August to shit. No, it was. It was like 10 months. Straight of wailing for hours. I would just be crying. Like, so loud. That, because I was just like, there's nothing. Like, nothing is good. Nothing is okay in my life right now. And now there, I can't, I mean, aside from feeling a little stressed about how the fuck I'm going to pay my bills. Other than that. I really can't say that there's anything that doesn't feel amazing. Good for you. You know what I need to fix now. This morning I was walking in my room in the dark and I ran into one of Brian's shoes, I think. And it felt really painful and I look down and I'm pretty, I'm not going to get graphic, but think I'm going to lose a tonal and there's. Yeah. Yep. And I was like crying because I shouldn't have looked. It really got me. Whenever it happened, I was like, Oh my God, like I can't even handle this is awful. And it woke Brian up. I was like, I'm sorry. I just, I think I'm bleeding. And I think I'm losing a tonal and I just can't. Well, I didn't think he remembered any of that. So when he got up, I was quiet for a little while, like trying because I'm trying not to be annoying. Like, Hi, let a lot of the second he wakes up because I know he'll be much for me. So I was being quiet for a few minutes and then after he had peed and did some other stuff, I was like quietly like, Good morning. And then he asked about my toe. And I was like, Oh, remember, I was like, Well, it's hurting. Do you want to look at it? And it was still dark in my room and he's like, Yeah, I can't really see anything. I was like, Does it look like I'm losing? He's like, I think so. I keep looking at it now. And I'm like, Oh, don't look. Someone's going to have to like pour peroxide and stuff on this. Like it's gross and dirty. And I don't know what to do. Oh, God. Okay. Well, thank you. Okay. So we are wrapping up finding peace. And our next one will be Bear. Yeah. So excited. Yeah, I'm really excited for her covers really pretty. I think I'm reframing the way I look at reading books like this. I just want to read it to get other people's experiences. No, like, and just to see like, and it'll just be something for us to talk about. Yeah. I think this is my favorite kind of book club. So hell yeah, we're having so much fun with it. Let's say, and I, this last one would never have read without you and was very impactful. So thank you. Yeah, thank you for doing this. Thank you for doing this with me. Thank you for finding the people. Like my life is exponentially different because there's a you. So, thank you. And ditto. I couldn't do this without you. So I really, I'm so grateful for you. I mean, you know, listen, not very many people have a friend that close that like cares about the same shit they do and about growth and what it's such a gift to have such a close friend that is evolving in the same way I like you're not another person I had to lose, which is, you know, like to keep you through every lifetime I've lived. It's amazing because I'm so lucky. So thank you. Oh, I love you. I love you more a little bitch. Bye. Hey, what do you say? Listen, first and foremost, please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five star rating on whichever platform that you are listening to. If you want to support the show, please rate, like and share. Also like, comment and share on any social media posts that you see for me on Instagram or Facebook or TikTok. Please follow the podcast Facebook, emotionally unavailable podcast. You can shop my foot online store or schedule a one on one with me emotionally unavailable podcast.org. I'm offering what I'm calling non traditional counseling astrology readings and tarot readings. And thank you so much for listening to the emotionally unavailable podcast. All right, I hope that you liked that episode with me and Jane Doe, I sure love the shit out of her. And...