Hey guys! Today is a little solo ramble sesh that may not be cohorent, who knows! Love you all so much and grateful for your time. <3
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 62: Me
What if you took your fears and imagined them as the best things that could ever happen to you? (upbeat music) ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ - Welcome to Emotionally Unavailable, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy. I'm your host, Melissa Hepner, and I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self-discovery and connection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape, this podcast is here to inspire, empower, and entertain. So get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together. - Good times, just recorded for 15 whole minutes and I was connected to a Bluetooth headphone, so it didn't rain corn. Super cool, okay. So I wanted to talk, well, I've got several things. I've been talking so much about the feminine flow and just trying so hard to go in the direction that I'm led. I've been learning to listen to my voice and that has been a struggle for my whole life to really lean into my intuition because I was criticized a lot as a child and full of shit, even as an adult. So when I made decisions that were good for me, they were criticized and I just, you just shut down that part of you that feels comfortable and confident in decision-making. And so that's what I did. And now it can be a real struggle because I will go back and forth. Like, is that my intuition or is that just my anxious attachment or whatever, you know? Like, I just know that I view the world through wounding and my first reaction is not always the one I should go with but lately my nervous system is so calm and able to respond to stimuli in kind of a more natural way instead of being all tense and tight and whatever. And, you know, like I did that coaching cycle with Josie and man, listen, I see what people do, like coaching with people because that really did help me. And the thing that I realized was I was asking myself to show up from a place of the masculine where it's like, just make yourself do it. You can do it, do it out. Because, you know, that does serve us. We should never dismiss any part of ourselves. It's all a part of us and it all matters and those parts of us show up when we need them. The problem is that prior to my learning about accessing this part of myself, I really just existed in this survival place where all I could do was force, force, force, try to control it. And, you know, that's where self-sabotage comes really big into play because if you're so determined to have to know the outcome of everything you do, then you're going to sabotage efforts just to be able to get a predetermined result. So, how that looks in relationships is a person with rejection sensitivity, hello me. They feel rejected, perceive that they are going to lose this person so they will go ahead and just cut them off before there's a chance to, you know, feel that ultimate rejection, betrayal, whatever. And then that way they got to control the outcome. Well, that was me in every relationship. And, you know, just assigning a bunch of meaning where it didn't belong and we don't have to do that, you know? And the way that looks in other areas of your life is like dropping a class because it's really hard and you don't want to get a B. So, you need the class, whatever, but you drop it because you just can't handle not being perfect. You need your record to be perfect, you know what I mean? That's a masculine thought. So, lots of people existing in this world doing lots of things to protect themselves from rejection. The other side to that is that it can look like the only reason people do things is to like work out that internal conflict that we all have with our caregivers from childhood. So, a lot of the things that we do are to ultimately make them approve of us. But that is so that we can feel accepted, validated, loved, protected, those things that we're still searching for because we haven't gotten them because you have to learn how to give those things to yourself. So, you know, you've heard me talk a lot about how empty I was because I was expecting everyone else around me to fulfill me and to fill me up with things that I did not receive in childhood. And that, you know, allowed me to put a lot of really high unreasonable expectations on people. Like I was saying, like it, I felt so justified in saying, like, well, they just can't show up for me the way I need them to cut them off, cut them off. And you know, some of that is valid, but nobody can show up for you in that capacity and be everything you've never gotten in your life, right? I mean, now it seems so obvious, but at the time I had no idea that that's what my expectations were. And now, because my expectations are different, I wanna say lower, but really, I mean, I don't think so 'cause like you can't just treat me however you want, you know? But it is just for you to be your authentic self and to be vulnerable. Those are my expectations, like be safe for me to say when one of my wounds is triggered and not respond like a bitch, you know? And I don't mean like your initial response, but I do mean it sucks because sometimes if I express like a boundary or just like, oh, a wound was triggered, then I will notice that that person can sometimes start like walking on eggshells around me. I notice it, like hello, when people do that, just so you know, it's obvious. And I don't want that. Like now I'm not gonna take responsibility for it either because if that's where you are in your life, like I can't help that, but I mean, I'm witnessing it, I'm observing it and I'm not gonna take it personally, but it is frustrating because like I need safe people to be able to say whatever, you know? Like as long as I'm expressing like from a place of love and compassion for myself and them and kindness, like it just sucks because I really do need it to just like be chill and move on. Like I don't know why it has to be like such a big thing, but maybe that's just me not liking conflict, I don't know. So, but I noticed like, you know, the eggshell stuff. And I'm like, well, I have to not take responsibility for other people's feelings. I have to not assign meaning to behavior. So if they want me to know something, they're gonna have to tell me. But I do, in order to feel closeness to people, I need vulnerability. I need to be vulnerable and I need you to be vulnerable. So yeah, I'm not having a lot of relationships with people who aren't emotionally available because I am tired of that. That is what I have dealt with my whole life. So, I've just been working really hard on that, but I don't remember where I was going with this, great. But, you know, I'm just trying to be open to opportunities, open to my intuition, and just like, okay, if it feels right, I'm gonna do it. And yeah, maybe things aren't gonna work out every single time. But this is something I've been having my clients do. It's like, okay, I'm hearing a lot of what ifs. And I hear that, like that's valid, we do that, okay? But what if it all, what if you didn't get the outcome that you want, but then like there's this idea that the outcome that you're so afraid of, like what if you just imagined that outcome being like a thousand times better than what you wanted in the first place? Like it could be. So instead of picturing worst case scenario, that worst case scenario could become your best case scenario with a little bit of mindset shifting. So let's say you want a person back. And, you know, you're not getting anywhere with them. And all you can think of is like, I don't wanna lose them, I don't wanna lose them. I don't wanna lose them, right? Well, what if losing them was the best thing that ever happened to you? Because right now what you're doing is feeding your subconscious a lot of fear and negativity and stuff for your subconscious to believe that is going to impact you in a harmful way. But what if you took your fears and imagined them as the best things that could ever happen to you? And I mean, you ask yourself like, okay, how do I wanna feel? What if that could make me feel that way eventually? What if doing the hard, scary thing that I know is best for me, could lead to the best outcome for me? Like, and then you sit in that feeling of what that outcome would feel like. And for me, it really does work. And if you're doing it correctly, I think it'll work for you too. So yeah, blow. Just kinda take things as they come. We don't have to set the outcome. Well, I mean, you can set a goal and have a little plan to get there. But like for me, when I made a business plan, I was being very like specific, which I mean, you really kind of should be for certain businesses, where you just like, you know, plan for certain numbers and da, da, da, da, right? Well, but then like if a client canceled last minute, well, I would be stressed because that doesn't fit into my business plan. So do you see what I'm saying? Like just being like understanding that there will be ups and downs. And I think that we face more ups and downs when we are so steadfast in needing to know the outcome of everything. I think that's when we get a lot of the stuff because like the lesson there needs to be learned by everybody that hey, we gotta understand that we don't get to control everything. There are only so many variables that are in our control. So, yeah. Oh, also, okay. So I created a journal. So last year I made a bunch of affirmations to like send to staff every year, every year. Every week I would do like a mental health update. I would give resources for them to take care of themselves. blah, blah, blah. It wasn't very appreciated. So cool. But I quit after that semester like doing it but I have all those affirmations I've wanted to do something with and I tried to make a book out of them but the formatting was weird. Like it was not, I couldn't find a way to do it the way I wanted to. So I just got the bug the other day. Like, you know what? I'll just make a little journal and I really like the journal. I'm like excited about it but going to publish it has been kind of a bitch. So hopefully Amazon accepts that to there tomorrow and that will be for sale. I'm really excited about that. I'm really hoping to do some things in collaboration with other people soon. I'm feeling really good about prospects of that. And oh my God, the zero symposium is next week. I'm so excited for that because it's the first time that I'm kind of putting my brand out there. And of course now I would love to like add things I've learned since I prerecorded that but you know, maybe I'll get lucky and technology issues will happen and I'll just actually have to present it in real time. It's virtual so that's easy to do. And then be able to add the things that I've learned since then. Plus it's just so hard because like it's 90 minutes and I've given like three little breaks scheduled and I just, you know, I wanna make it engaging as possible even though it's prerecorded and I'm just excited about it honestly. So there was part of me, probably still a little part of me that's like a little nervous about how I will be received but I mean, it's my first presentation on this big of a stage. So it is what it is. You know, I mean, the people who resonate with me will and I'm just putting that intention out there that those people are gonna come find me afterwards and we're gonna build connections and you know, I'm not for everyone and that is okay. So anyway, I'm really excited about that. And I've been looking for opportunities to let my inner child play and Charlie got to cheer at the high school football game because she did a little cheer clinic. It was so cute. And I was like, let's go to like actually watch the first half before she cheers. Like I'm just looking for things outside of my norm to have fun, spend time with people I love and really just take life in because for so long I was just living inside of my head and just not knowing how the hell to be better. And now I wanna, oh like, okay, there is this girl on TikTok who has a coffee shop in a small town a couple of hours away from me. And I was like, oh my God, that would be so fun to just drive up there, get coffee, maybe like do a video with her. Like, I don't know, that, see that. Like it doesn't require masculine energy for me even though I'm initiating that. And I even said something on our video the day like, "Dude, I'm coming to see you." That never spoke into her in my life. And I'm like, I don't know. Something feels right about this, you know? So I go pursue that and I'm excited about it. I'm just looking for like activities that make me feel that same unbridled joy that childhood stuff did. And I'm excited about figuring more of that out. I do need to get a little better about planning for adventures like that just because there's a lot of people in my family. And if I wanna do anything with any of them, it requires a lot of pre-planning. But I also have a Gen Z child, and well two of them, but the thing about Gen Z is that they're really good about self-care. But that means that they will cancel plans with you last minute if they're not feeling it, which is fine, I guess. But for somebody with a betrayal wound, it's kind of not fine and neglect. So like, I can't really do that a lot. So once, even though it's my kid, like once that's happened a couple of times, like I can't really make plans with him for a little bit because, well, I get my feelings hurt, you know? I feel abandoned, I feel rejected. And like, I can't help that that's what comes up. I mean, I can witness it and observe it and then understand it and release it and that's fine. But like, why would I continue to make plans with someone I know 50% of the time is going to not follow through with the plans? That would just be silly. So I don't really make plans unless it's something that I know he's really excited about and will not blow off. But the weekend will just come and go because, you know, I live in, I'm an airhead. I mean, things just, I just flitter around from one thing to the next and, you know, or, okay, I'm gonna catch up on housework. Well, that'll take forever. So, you know, that doesn't really allow me to go do anything else. And more than the most important thing to me is sunlight and I'm just not getting enough right now. So I want outdoor activities that make me feel happy. So yes, I want to hike and yes, I want to connect with earth and whatever, but I also just want to do stupid shit. I want to be playful and fun. I love that sight of me. And I, like, when Jane and I went for my birthday to paddle boat, oh God, that was so fucking hard. I want to do more of that. Like, maybe I do want to try parasailing. I don't know. No, is that where you actually like, I don't want it to take me in the air. But, you know, like, I don't know. I just want to do adventurous stuff. Nothing that's too racy. I don't want to do, like, a thrill-seeking shit, but joy-seeking, you know? I don't need to jump out of a plane. I want to get, like, I don't know. I want to swing, like, just do kids shit. I don't know. I've been considering, like, joining an indoor soccer league because I don't know. I used to love to play soccer. I wasn't very good at it. And I feel like the adults, like, expect you to be good. I don't know. So I have fun, though. And I feel like that's community. Maybe I'll talk to my friend who's on a team about joining hers. But more than that, I want to play kickball. I want to join a kickball league. And I'm really thinking about doing it. So, I don't know, you know, just stuff like that. I'm also thinking about, I guess I'll say this here 'cause Jane and I always talk about serious shit. So she'll listen to this and she'll tell me. But I was thinking about walking, like, planning to walk the half marathon this year. And maybe even train for the 5K from here till then to try to get, like, a good time. But walk the half marathon. So Jane, let me know if you're down for either of those things. You walk all the time. So I would imagine walking the half wouldn't be that big of a deal for you. So, yeah, think about walking for a couple hours on the weekends and just kind of getting ready for that. I don't know. 'Cause I didn't participate in the Memorial Run at all last year, which is not like me, but I needed a year off. And I also no longer get joy from running long distances, period. Don't get joy. I don't mind run walking, so maybe I will do that. But those perfectionist standards really hold me down. Anytime you're overthinking, you gotta go connect with yourself and make yourself happy. And the only way to do that is to connect. Some way in nature and to find joy. So that's what I've learned is that nobody else can give me that. I've got to get it for myself. So I'm going to continue to pursue joy. And so far, I mean, I haven't really followed through with a lot of the stuff, but sometimes just thinking about it, like just puts me in such a good space that I don't really have to go do it, but I do want to, so I'm gonna do more. The biggest struggles that I'm seeing in people right now is the holding on. Holding on to whatever it is you're afraid of letting go of people, places, things. We are so afraid to lose because we've all lost so much in our lives. And a lot of us haven't taken stock or inventory of those losses to really understand how they're still impacting us. Well, the way it impacts means that I don't like to let go. And a lot of other people don't either. So I'm really, that's why I said, like what if letting go could feel good? What if it wasn't this scary thing? What if the worst case scenario that you have envisioned in your head could be flipped on its axis and be the best? And I think it can. I really do because if I can sit and conjure up the happiest feelings, that's all that matters. Is what I do with the things that occur in my life. It doesn't matter. It's just a self-fulfilling prophecy at that point. If you're sitting around stressing and worrying about losing that thing and thinking, "It will be the worst thing in my life." Well, you've already prepared to feel the worst you've ever felt. So what if you prepared to feel the best? I don't know, interesting, think about it. Let's see, what else is happening in my life? Everything's going really well. So I really do wanna just take a moment to thank you guys who have listened very consistently and followed along with me. The friendships that have held on are so much more intimate now. And I just feel so safe to exist inside of those friendships. And that's a really big deal. I don't feel afraid to have important conversations with those people. And I don't know, I'm just trying to appreciate people more for who they are. But if who they are is in direct conflict with what I need, 'cause I just want my spirit to be tended to, but in any situation that I'm in, I wanna make sure that fundamentally I am safe and safe means in alignment with me at this point. Like it's not safe for me to be in environments that are toxic because I am sensitive to energies and it doesn't feel good. So that's hard because people are going through shit and it's not that I have a problem listening to their issues. But if it's making them a fundamentally negative, I hate that word, but you know, where they're only focused on negative and they don't have anything nice to say about anything or anyone. I mean, it's one thing to talk to me about your issues. That's fine, go through your seasons. But like if you're just being unkind in general, which unkind to the world, and that's what that is if every view you have of every interaction is just an annoyance, like heal man. I don't know, I digress. Anyway, this is it for the solo episode today, only posting it because you know, you gotta stay consistent. And in my, I do not chase, I attract. I put it out there for people to record. And if they sign up at a time where I can put out an episode with them on a Monday or Wednesday, then I do that. But right now, all of my recordings this week are happening after today. So it is what it is. So I'm just gonna assume that someone out there needed that message for today because that is really all I have right now, except for to just kind of wrap it up. Like please, please stop using that masculine energy to force yourself to be inauthentic. It's one thing to use that masculine energy to focus, to organize, to structure. But don't take those things too far and understand that a lot of times we're just trying to self sabotage or have a self-fulfilling prophecy so that we can know the outcome of something. But I have this firm belief that if we do not limit ourselves to a plan that only like what our brain is capable of planning for, that is when we are open to receive the biggest things in our lives. So I'm just being open. I do not want to pre-determine the outcome of anything other than living in this knowing that all the success that I want is here. The door is open and it's coming through. Like little by little is coming through. And I have to know that I'm on the right path. I've learned what my voice sounds like and I know how to listen to it and how to act on it. And I'm really grateful every fucking day for this level of peace and happiness. And that peace and happiness came from giving all the things that I needed to myself and not expecting them from others. But now I can see the love that my people have always had for me, but I didn't know how to receive it. So, you know, now I do and it's really lovely, which is kind of a funny word, but I don't know. It's soft, it's very feminine. It's a very feminine feeling and I love it. And I am here for this feminine flow, dude. I've never done this in my whole life. I've tried to pre-determine everything. I've done everything I could to control, control, control, control, control, and I am done and I am open. So, a practice that I've been doing is like holding my arms out wide, like as if I was just basking in sunlight because that is the light I want to give to others. But I have to receive that light too before, like if I want to continue to give that light, I have to receive it first and let it soak in and then I can, you know, transfer that a little bit. But just remember, self first and heal first. You can't do like any other stuff I'm talking about. If you're not actively working on healing. Anyway, I'm gonna quit rambling. So, thank you guys. I love you so much. I'm so serious. The love I have for people in general now is crazy. I just, I like feel all this love all the time. And you know what? Just to remind you, it's not as scary as I thought it was gonna be. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't kill me. Nothing bad is happening because I'm loving people or myself. Everything good is happening. So, just remember for my fellas who are afraid to feel like I was and can sometimes still be. It's never, it's never what I thought it was gonna be and not feeling caused way more harm. So, that is that. Thank you guys. I'm serious. Thanks for always being so willing to listen to me say thousands of words. I appreciate everybody who listens so much seriously. And reach out, connect. I love everyone. Okay, until next time, let's all just keep swimming. (phone ringing) ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ Hey, hey, hey, what do you say? Listen, first and foremost, please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five-star rating on whichever platform that you are listening. If you want to support the show, please rate, like, and share. Also, like, comment, and share on any social media posts that you see for me on Instagram or Facebook or TikTok. Please follow the podcast Facebook. Emotionally unavailable podcast. You can shop my foot online, store, or schedule a one-on-one with me. Emotionally unavailablepodcast.org. I'm offering what I'm calling non-traditional counseling, astrology readings, and tarot readings. And thank you so much for listening to the Emotionally unavailable podcast. (upbeat music) ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ I-N-D-E-P-E, and CUT.