The Season of Self Love
Navigating Preteen Communication & Healing Beyond Betrayal with Family Coach Marcus Aurelius-Higgs
Welcome back to The Season of Self-Love podcast with your host, Nyomi Banks! In this special episode, we dive into the delicate dynamics of communication with preteens—a crucial time when trust, understanding, and identity begin to take more complex shapes. Joining us is family coach and therapist, Marcus Aurelius-Higgs, an expert in adolescent development and family communication.Together, we explore how parents can foster healthy dialogue with their preteens, understand their emotional world, and build a foundation of trust and support. We also discuss the concept of healing beyond betrayal and how it impacts personal growth and family dynamics. With Marcus's Show Up framework, this episode is packed with actionable insights to help parents navigate these transformative years with compassion and communication.Key Takeaways:
- The importance of holding space for open and honest communication with preteens.
- How to foster a strong sense of identity and emotional safety.
- Strategies to balance guidance with independence during adolescent development.
- The Show Up framework: Strong Identity, Holding Space, Open Communication, Wonder & Explore, Unveil Potential.
- Understanding betrayal in relationships and how to rebuild trust in family settings.
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- Broadcast on:
- 17 Sep 2024
- Audio Format:
- other
We wear our work, day by day, stitch by stitch. At Dickies, we believe work is what we're made of. So, whether you're gearing up for a new project, or looking to add some tried and true work wear to your collection, remember that Dickies has been standing the test of time for a reason. Their work wear isn't just about looking good. It's about performing under pressure and lasting through the toughest jobs. Head over to Dickies.com and use the promo code "Workwear20" at checkout to save 20% on your purchase. It's the perfect time to experience the quality and reliability that has made Dickies a trusted name for over a century. When you need meal time inspiration, it's worth shopping king supers for thousands of appetizing ingredients that inspire countless mouth-watering meals. And no matter what tasty choice you make, you'll enjoy our everyday low prices. Plus, extra ways to save, like digital coupons worth over $600 each week, and up to $1 off per gallon at the pump with points. So you can get big flavors and big savings, king supers, fresh for everyone, fuel restrictions apply. Welcome to the Season of Stuff Love Podcast. I'm your host Naomi Banks and I am thrilled to have you join me on this transformative journey. You see, every day we dive into a powerful conversation about stuff discovery, healing and empowerment. This podcast is brought to you by Axe Naomi, an Elevate Me self-discovery where we believe that loving yourself is the first step to living a fulfilling life. You can expect insightful discussions, practical tips and inspiring stories, plus we occasionally welcome special guests who will share their unique perspectives for self-love and personal. So get comfy, grab your favorite beverage, and let's embark on this journey together. Because it's time to embrace the beautiful person that you are. So let's elevate our lives, one episode of Time. Now let's get started. I am my beautiful son, and welcome back to the Season of Stuff Love Podcast. I am your host Naomi Banks and today, today we are diving into a very crucial topic that resonates deeply with our ongoing series, The Yarmy Trail. But today, today we are focusing on a delicate dynamics of communication with pre-teens, at age where we are trust in understanding start taking a more complex shape. And I'm thrilled to have with us Mr. M. Morales-Higgs, a seasoned family culture therapist known for his profound impact on family communication. But first, let's take a quick break and then when we return, we will bring back Mr. Morales-Higgs with us to join the conversation. All right? As you've already got his number ranks here on the Season of Stuff Love Podcast, and we'll be right back. Washington Wells Institute focuses on healing always. For me, if I look good, then I feel good. If I feel good, then I share the good. If I share the good, then I celebrate the good. If I celebrate the good, then I live the good. So I can be paid to be my greatest. I have to learn the good, to be the good. So, what does it take to be the greatest? It's as simple as a free 15-minute consultation. Be kind to yourself and heal always. I hate my beautiful souls. This is your current goddess, Naomi Banks, and I am excited to share something special with you. Introducing my latest April World Book, "Hilling Beyond The Betrayal", a journey of growth, empowerment, and renewal. In these 55 pages, I offer you insight, heartfelt stories, and practical worksheets designed to guide you on your humanity. So if you experience betrayal or seeking personal growth, this resource is made just for you. You see, it's time to reclaim your power, in a grace renewal. So you can get your copy by visiting the Season of selflovepodcast.com. And as a thank you for being part of our community, use the code healedzerona and check out to enjoy a 15% Disney. So let's embark on this journey together because you deserve to heal, grow, and thrive. ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, this is Doug. I'm Mike Mike. ♪ ♪ I ask Naomi Brigby, look out. I can. ♪ ♪ Come check us out every week. And remember, I'm no relationship expert. ♪ ♪ ♪ I just tell her like I hear from the kin. Get back out. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I'm a selflove podcast. I am your host Naomi Brigby. And today I'm so thrilled to have with us Mr. I'm gonna say M. O'Rell is Higgs with us. He's an expert family dynamics and adolescent development. Hello. How are you? Hey, how are you doing Naomi? I'm well. I'm doing well. I'm excited for this one because as we talked before we got on, I have a free team, but I've been through it twice. ♪ ♪ And each time it's different. So I'm I'm excited for this as well as I want to ask some questions with our series that's going on right now. It's called healing beyond the trick of the trail as well. So I want to know what you do with the preteens, but also I want to kind of mix that in a little bit too as we know as when we're younger. We go through certain things in life that sometimes it's hard for us to give beyond a betrayal that kind of stops us from our growth or our self discovery on self. So I thought this would be a great way to have you come in when we can start right there at the ground level of these. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll follow your lead. There we go. All right, cool. All right. So before we start this off, what I want to do is I want to start to clear our minds first and set the right intentions for what is short guided meditation. All right? We wear our work day by day, stitch by stitch. At Dickies, we believe work is what we're made of. So whether you're gearing up for a new project or looking to add some tried and true workware to your collection, remember that Dickies has been standing the test of time for a reason. Their workware isn't just about looking good. It's about performing under pressure and lasting through the toughest jobs. Head over to Dickies.com and use the promo code "Workware20" at checkout to save 20% on your purchase. It's the perfect time to experience the quality and reliability that has made Dickies a trusted name for over a century. When you need meal time inspiration, it's worth shopping king supers for thousands of appetizing ingredients that inspire countless mouthwatering meals. And no matter what tasty choice you make, you'll enjoy our everyday low prices. Plus extra ways to save, like digital coupons worth over $600 each week, and up to $1 off per gallon at the pump with points. So you can get big flavors and big savings king supers, fresh for everyone, fuel restrictions apply. All right, so what I need you all to do right now is just get yourself in a nice comfortable position. Thank you. Find a comfortable position. If you're sitting or lying down, then gently close your eyes. Now take a deep breath in through your nose. Fill in your lungs concrete. Now exhale slowly through your mouth and let go of any tension that you might be holding on to. Now inhale deeply again. Jilling your chest rise and your body expand. Now hold it for a moment. And now exhale releasing in and more. For the stretch. With each breath, imagine yourself becoming more centered and present. Now as you breathe, I want you to visualize a warm, glowing light above. And with each inhale, throw this light down into your heart. Filling you with warm and calmness. Allow this light to spread throughout your body. Relaxing your muscles. Let's see more. Now take a moment to set your attention for today's exercise. What do you hope to learn or feel? Hold that attention close to as you breathe in. There isn't anything that does not serve you as you breathe out. Now when you are ready, gently wriggle your fingers and toes. Bring an awareness back to your body. Now slowly open your eyes. And carry this sense of peace and focus with you. Into today's exercise. All right, well thank you. Thank you for joining me. Beautiful people out there. As well as you two, Mr. Auralis. Mr. Higgs, Auralis Tiggs. Are we going to say Auralis Tiggs today? You call me Marcus Aurelius. Marcus. All right, okay, from there. All right, this is something, if you're new here to the season, this is something that we do every day, Monday through Friday to where, you know, we have brought ourselves first before we get into our episode, so we can be prepared and ready. And we set the intentions just like we did today, just like we did today. For you, Marcus, could you share with us a bit about your work and what inspired you to focus on preteens? Yeah, yeah. So I, yeah, yeah, why preteens? I have a journalism background communication that I got. And right from then, I traveled to South Korea to actually be a missionary teacher. And so I was there and then I taught in Spain, Saudi Arabia and Thailand. And I worked in the classroom. And I say, I really do love people. Like I sincerely love people and I don't love your kids as much as you do. So these are the conversations I'd have with parents and parent teacher meetings. And I transitioned out of the classroom to be with them, my aging parents and so on. However, still serving the world with the skills that I have, which is communication. And something that is near and dear to my heart. Yeah, kids. And Mr. Raja said, if you want to help the kids, you support the parents. And that's why I do what I do. And specifically why preteens because those are the formative years where we're gaining our understanding of life. When we go through stressors or changes, that's when we learn who we are. And this is one of the first identity breakings of our experience. We're going from going from independent to independent with those adolescent years. And if we can have an impact there, you can prepare them for the other stressors that are going to come inevitably come. Right. So let me ask you this. What are some of the common challenges that parents face during this transformative years? I should ask you. Just so that you're feet. So what is going to happen? And let me know how it binds with you. When they're going from dependent to independent. So during that dependent sense, there's that nurturing holding you close up. You're seeing your suit, your care for your secure. Reaching independence is that push away. If you're going to have to do this yourself, you're still seeing you're sued, you're safe. But I need you to understand that's with you. And you could. So we're moving into what I call autonomy supportive parenting. And you could look that up. It's I respect you and your autonomy. And there's still boundaries in it, but I need a full expression of you. And you got this. Yeah. Got this. Now, what does happen? They're trying to figure out their own identity. And these expectations that are on that. Not knowing what it is. Right. Who am I? And again, like is always asking the story. So they're trying to figure out their identity breaking. And see, it's collaborative mistrust. They don't. And this goes to your topic beyond the trail. But who do we trust? Because think about it. Everything you said to them up until this point was black and white. It was gospel. It was your word. But now they're getting a whiff of other coaches, other parents or other teachers. Nowadays social media. And then their peers. So they're getting all these other different points of view. And they're just like, oh, I can believe something else. Yeah. And they don't know who to vibe with or who to trust them. Yeah. And then he is emotional management. Because biologically they are dumped with a lot of. Yeah, hormones, but then also the highs get high and the lows get low in regards to sensory. Details and so on. So they're out there. Trying to figure out. They're gaining the pleasures of life, which is it's just like, they have to test this. They have to taste that they have to see what is so that they can figure out who themselves are. They are. And that's why the teenager is there. That's why the music still licks from that age. Whatever air you grew up in, your teenage music is the still one that resonates with you. A lot is going on. And it's a part of the process. It's a part of the process. Yeah. I'll say, I'll say this one last thing Naomi. There's this book called from, it's called The Breakthrough Years by Ellen Galanski. The Breakthrough Years, okay. Yeah. She said, when parents were describing kids or teenagers, adolescents, one common word that they use was immature. Right. Now, now when you think about it, we're expecting them to be adults or act as adults. And that's why we call them immature. However, when you're speaking about a child or a toddler, you don't say they're an immature child. You don't say a child is an immature teenager. Right. It's like there's an expectation for this phase of life. And if they're living into those expectations, it's like they're going through their growing pains or going through what life is and we're there to support them. They're not necessarily immature, but there is some growing they need to do. Right. Yeah. But let's, let's respect that. When I say respect that, let's, let's, you know, hold some compassion for that. Right. Yeah. I like that. So when I, when I read your whole profile, you have this is called show up framework. And I was very intrigued by that show up framework. So what I want to do is because I do have a lot of parents that do have, you know, children that are between the ages of 10 and 18, I believe that that is. And so I would love for you to kind of break it down on what that show. Yeah. And I want to start off with this and we'll start with strong identity as the first component. How does that help in healing in communication? Yeah. Yeah. So the show up framework is. It's really about being human actually. And I say I work with the parents to put their oxygen mask on first. The same principles I work with them is what. It's how they work with their kid and their dysregulation. But all, all behavior comes from an identity. And we are the stories we tell ourselves, basically. And what I do is I start with virtues and values and really what virtues and values are is. And values are with all people, all, all faith beliefs, all, whoever you are, you have virtues to be human is to have virtues. And this comes from positive psychology. VIA's virtues and action, you can look this up. They're with all people, but they're five that are expressed mostly with every. They're five that are unique. Things such as creativity, such as leadership, determination, something like that. And then values are what's important to you. Could be finances, could be family, could be friends or, you know, fun. Like everybody has values. When you can see a person's virtues and their values, you're speaking a relevant message that's relevant to them. You're speaking to their identity. And that's when they feel seen. And it's just like, oh, yeah. We wear our work, day by day, stitch by stitch. At Dickies, we believe work is what we're made of. So, whether you're gearing up for a new project or looking to add some tried and true work wear to your collection, remember that Dickies has been standing the test of time for a reason. Their work wear isn't just about looking good. It's about performing under pressure and lasting through the toughest jobs. Head over to Dickies.com and use the promo code WorkWear20 at checkout to save 20% on your purchase. It's the perfect time to experience the quality and reliability that has made Dickies a trusted name for over a century. Fall into big savings. All in the King Supers app. Buy two get two free on 12 packs of delicious Coca-Cola, Pepsi or 7-Up. Then get three pound packs of flavorful 93% extra lean ground beef for $3.99 a pound. All with your card. Shop these deals at your local King Supers, less than five miles away. Or tap the screen now to download the King Supers app to save big today. King Supers, fresh for everyone, prices and product availability subject to change, restrictions apply. See site for details. We say, once I did bad, hurt it forever, twice I did good and hurt it never. Like, let's, let's feed life to what we want to see because people move towards our expectations. And if you meet somebody in that, like they'll, they'll meet you where you're, they'll move towards your expectations. Right. Mm hmm. So moving to home space. I like this one. Moving to home space, collaboration, open up communication. You know, it seems to be very, very crucial when fostering that understanding. So can you help, can you help assist out? I got you. I mean, it's just a moment, but I'll do what I can. Oh, man. Um, well, well, not having that much context, but I'll see what I can say. Whenever we're going through stresses, life is about stress. Yes. Yes. Um, to live is to be stressed, but then there's a stress that come out of the, out of the blue, and then to expand if you want to grow. When kids go through it, they're especially at adolescence before they have lived experience. They're thinking what's wrong with me. And you want to tell them, Hey, baby, who nothing's wrong with you, like life is life in. Yes. And let me hold space for collaboration and critical thinking to help me think through this. Um, that's when kids are thinking what's wrong with me and you say, nothing's wrong with you. Let's talk about this together. We'll come up with. You actively listen to understand from their perspective. You give some insight and you say, let's, let's solve this together and I'll support your own way and then you move forward and you try the solution for time and then you revisit it. It's, it's called collaborative problem solving. But this is, this is what life is we're here to support each other. Yeah, and some, some people don't get there. You know, it's, it's funny because I have three girls. 10 years apart. So we're like, yeah, three, three, three of them 10 years apart. So my first one, I was a 19 year old mother. So, you know, with that one, she was growing with me. So I had no tools, no skills, you know, no, anything really in her preteens before in her preteens with my second baby. And now I've known because, sorry, I kind of, you know, use her as. You said, sorry, I don't know what you say it's separate, which say what rehearsal. Hold on, I'm the last of four boys, and I always tell my older brother, kids are like pancakes, you get to throw out the first one. You know, you was doing the best you can. I mean, yeah. I was doing it. I was doing the best I can. But then my second one, I kind of, you know, kind of took whatever I thought that I did wrong with the first one. I made sure that the second one had every in all and even my ear. The first one didn't have my ear as much back then she had it now. But then she didn't have my ear to where I wasn't allowed for her to have a voice. And as you say, I wasn't holding space. So I would tell her it was like more. You got this, you just going to do, you can do it. And that's it. You know, there was no explanation to it at all. Or what it was just like, let's go. We got to get it. We got to, you know, do this to where the second one. I was more with the gloves on with the kid gloves on with her. And. I was holding now, let me, let me say this, and maybe you can help me out with this. I was holding space with her. Okay, I was holding space with her and I was listening to her. But what she told me a few years ago is that. Even though the words that I was speaking to her were positive and speaking into her. She still felt pressure from those words that I was speaking into her, because she thought that's who I wanted her to be. So when you had spoke earlier about about us putting things, I didn't realize that I was doing that. I thought that I was speaking positive into her and allowing her to grow to where she was, but she didn't receive it as that she received it. That is where I wanted her to go and go to be. Now this third one. This last one that I'm holding space with. Remember that thing when they say your mom when they tell you you're going to get what you gave your mom like 10 times. Yeah. It's all coming back now. Yeah, yes, it is. And I understand it and I see it and I laugh about it. And times are different. If you think about it, I had a baby and I had a baby in 2000, you know, and then one into it. So these times are different to where now there is more influences on TV or Internet. This is where, like you said, this is where the trust, kind of, you know, kind of goes away or sends out because now they have other influences from other people. So when you are talking to her. And, you know, I'm talking to her and she looked at me like, but that's not what they said on the Internet. And I'm like, what are you watching? So then I go in and I see what she watching. Oh, okay. Yeah, I hear what they see it and I see what they're saying. But it's like, it is, it's sometimes it's that missing the missing bridge of missing part of a bridge or cross to be able to communicate or really hold that face. You know what I mean, like, who we hold that space and have that conversation with her when, you know, I came up in this time and even though I spent majority of my career in front of a camera, you know, to where my books is very important. But also, she see me in my ugliest. Well, what people think I was in my peers of the spot and I always try to teach all three of them that about being authentic and what you can always beautify yourself when you want to. It's like, how do you, especially in the days of time. When influence, how do you hold space with especially women, especially young girls, especially. How do you hold space with them when there are millions and millions of other influences that are out there that tell them something differently than what you speak, or what you hold space for as a parent. Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. That's it. That's a challenging question and I'm up for the challenge. I'll, I'll preface this with a book. It's called untangle by Lisa demand. It's talking about the special challenges that a girl has when she goes to adolescence, right. Because, man, there's another book called the anxious generation and this last daughter was grown up in the internet age social media. The first thing about social media is, it affects girls more than boys. Yeah. And let me tell you how women, their commodity, not commodity, but their currency is reputation and image. Yeah. And on the internet, it's easy to destroy somebody with a story, especially when they're not there to defend themselves and plus one context isn't given. Yeah. So that's when, like I said, we are the stories we tell ourselves. Try not to live in the stories of other people because other people are trying to tell stories about you and it's just like. Yeah. How do you, if, if you can know who you are. Dolly Parton said it beautifully, he said, figure out who you are and do that on purpose. Yes. And then people are going to. Miss understand you, not knowing the whole story. People are going to say things that people are going to have their own stories. Try not to live into the lives of into the, into the with other people. Now, that's hard to do when this is your first time coming into this. When I say that, I mean, meaning as a young girl, as a 12 year old, you know. There, there are unique challenges for this age and this generation. As a parent. Trust is built back over time and this comes back to the theme of beyond betrayal. When betrayals do happen, it means this person didn't do what I expected of them. And if they care about this relationship, they'll try to restore it, prepare and reconnect. That's one thing we teach in relationships. There's, there's conflict in every relationship. Yeah. So conflict doesn't define the relationship but defines it is how we deal with the conflict and if that person comes back and says, Hey, I'm sorry, I want to restore this. This is not who I was and is where I'm going forward. Then it's going to take time. Because trust is built over time. Yeah. That's why I work with parents of trying to establish trust at the beginning with their kid because they will misunderstand. We were all kids. We were all teenagers. We were all kids. Yeah. How do we still stand by them, support them and help them work through their stuff. How we're trying to work through our stuff. But that's the quiet part we don't say out loud, but it is the part that we have to own and that is they were trying to work through our stuff and I'm going to help you as best as I can. It's not that I want my kids to have a better life than I do. I want them to manage stress better than I did. There will be stresses that they will have to manage that that that aren't mine. Right. But that's what it is to be apparent. Yeah. Yeah, I love that. I answered many different things. I hope I satisfied the question. That's what you did. Hold on one second, please. Oh, no. Can you say actually I did? Yeah, actually you did. Yeah, actually. You know, a lot of the things that you say, this is something that like I parent all three of my girls different. Even my my 32 year old, I still parent her. I'm going to be her parents. Of course. Again, until you don't. Am I middle one? We wear our work day by day, stitch by stitch. Dickeys, we believe work is what we're made of. So, whether you're gearing up for a new project or looking to add some tried and true work wear to your collection. Remember that Dickeys has been standing the test of time for a reason. Their work wear isn't just about looking good. It's about performing under pressure and lasting through the toughest jobs. Head over to Dickeys.com and use the promo code Workwear20 at checkout to save 20% on your purchase. It's the perfect time to experience the quality and reliability that has made Dickeys a trusted name for over a century. Stop by O'Reilly Auto Parts for the power, performance and reliability of a new super start battery. Visit OReillyAuto.com. The same way, she just turned 22 about a week ago. You know, so there is times that I have to show me that I'm going through that I'm not perfect. Does that make sense that I'm not working for myself at learning? We learn something new every day and I try to tell them, but I don't try. I do. I tell and express that to them every day when I'm speaking to them that is something new every day that we learn. So even within your mistake that you make, what did you learn in that mistake? How do you embrace that mistake as being a tool for what you're going to do tomorrow or, you know, or further on in life. So I do I like that when holding space like that and being able to compensate with that. I like to even the answer that you have about women being more crucial for me. Transition through my life. Coming into this new room and it's new for me. It's been amazed. It's been amazing. But to watch a lot of my fan base that was before to now, they're not understanding and they're wondering where did she go. The problem is I've always been there. I just don't know how to show up. I did not show up as her. Do you understand that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, in the work that I do. As an educator, the word educate means to bring forth, like, I believe there's beauty in there. And I believe we're a born whole, but our awareness is taken away from that wholeness. And I love how you said it was always there. Yeah, you didn't go anywhere, if anything. If anything, you went inside and you brought out what was there already. And you know what? That's not to say. It was all there. It's always been there. I love how you said that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, now we're going to talk about the W as we look at. Oh, yeah. Oh, let's open up communication. Okay. Open up. Yeah. Matter of fact, I'm going to let you go ahead and break the rest of it down. So we was at H. Oh. Okay. We're going to work it all down. Always open up communication. The quality of our life is directly related to the quality of our communication. And that means how we speak with others, as well as how we speak with ourselves. That's why. Eventually, let's, I want to get to the question of how and why you've named it seasons of self love. We'll get to that. I got questions for the host, you know what I mean? Yeah. But always opening up communication, because. Adolescence, they tend to clam up where they tend to come at this time, understandably. And actually we communicate with them differently at this time to be effective. It's going to be shorter conversations. It's going to be non judgmental conversations where we leave with curiosity. So that we're creating a space for them to when that when they do open up to us eventually. They know, oh yeah, this is a base where I can come to to be authentically me. Because when they feel judgment coming at us, it's like. One definition of psychological safety is can I be authentically me without fear of threat. And if you are the source of my threat, I'm not going to come to you. So that's open up communication. W is wonder and explore this world together, setting out to do projects that are long term that are self directed. You know, a lot of the other individuals in this product project. And this comes from Angela Duckworth's book grit. It's maybe learning a language could be learning a hobby for you. It'd be starting a business or podcast and that gives you a place to talk with your child about progress and what growth is. And then W is a U.P. is unveil your potential, which means celebrate, celebrate. We don't celebrate each other enough. So you are when I said it starts with a strong identity. When I see evidence and examples of that virtues or values, it's just like, hey, that's like you. That's, that's beautiful. I love that. I do. I just, I love the whole thing. So I'm going to answer your question about this. All right, I'm following you. You know, I've been going through my transformation. I've been out of the industry actively for almost 12 years, almost 13 years now. And then, and do that transition. I learned a lot about myself spiritually. Emotionally, I learned who I am, you know, even beyond the Naomi Banks persona. But also. I've been very real and authentic with myself, knowing that. I know how to love myself. So how can I even teach anyone else how to love me. You know, when we say that that's self love, it's more than just a self love. It's like where, you know, here where I created this, this podcast is more is to kind of peel the layers of an onion. You know, you got onions and you got the different layers of it. And we're going to be forever healing. Self love is about healing. I want people to know that. That's a part of the foundation of self love is healing. So for me, since we forever healing. The season never ends. So you know, people say, I'm in my, my soft girl season or arrow or something like that. We're always in a self love season. So self love season is always. It's always. Period. Yeah. That's where it came from. You know what, because I was thinking I was like season, I mean, does this season come to an end or that's what I was thinking when I heard that season's a love. Right. You know, the thing is, is I have different series series to each each. Every month is a different series. And that takes it through to a whole new season. And I know, you know, some people think about you, what to say, you hear for season or not a read. I mean, if you for a reason and not a season or season for it, you know, that same right there. With self love, we have to really kind of bring it all the way down. You got to tear it all the way down to the bare middle right there, even at birth. Even understanding what it is, is that a lot of times that we even start to create who we are being created who we are in the womb, from the emotions of the mother, you know what I'm saying, from those things that on the noise to us is happening to us already. So when we do come out and we start to learn who we are, it's not from our perception is from someone else's. So it's like, when do we start to learn who we are, that's why I love that you are, have this where you have with the parents speaking to the pre team to allow them or a system to find the out who they are. Back in the day, when we were coming up, there was no way that we could find out who we were, we were who our parents said who we were in who we were going to be. You know, and, and what happens is it creates a lot of, you know, broken and damaged adults, probably like 98 99% of us in this world. I broke up with your minister of free sore, a doctor seriously you know, and when I started to go through that for myself and do I start to fall in love with myself and I love myself unconditionally. I'm able to make myself accountable, self awareness, when I say I've been checking a sister, I've been checking myself a sister, and you know some people look like wow like she's really, she's really different. And it's like, I am different in the way that the shine that I just shine, because I am, I'm sure of myself but also I want a lot of other people to be sure of themselves. I want a lot of people to understand where loving is and loving yourself, because once you start to do and love yourself really, man, those words that people speak to you will change because they, they know that they say that. Oh, wait, wait, I'm getting. It's a different vibe. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, one line I have is true beauty doesn't ask for attention, true confidence doesn't seek validation, because it knows it is. Yes. Yeah. You said, you said a lot there. Let me, let me ask you this, what does love mean to you? Oh, what does love mean to me. And, and, and, and I have an understanding and I'm sure my understanding of what love means, and then I'm attack on what self love is, because I believe the same love that is directed is the love that is directed outward you are the universe experiencing itself. And if you don't understand how to do this, that creates a funky expression of this love out there. Yes, but I'm asking you what does love mean because I want to gain like different perspectives of love, and I'm sure you would have learned a lot. No, for sure. And there's a few words. First is true. Okay. And my truth is with my authenticity with that. Another one is my vulnerability, my vulnerability that needs to be open. Just to be open, just to be open to the courage, love for me, courage, as well. And also is not seeking validation. And I would be honest, that's been even though I went through the work and this is where I want to what I share with my audience all the time. Every day is not a perfect day. Some days, you will go back to where you are seeking that validation or you are seeking this from other people. The thing is, is that awareness you are aware of those things. So for me, it is my mind is truth, my truth, my authenticity, my courage. That's me, mind with my love mean because that means I can love another person the same way that I love myself. So that's even in the imperfections. You know what I'm saying? So my truth is my imperfections. You know, my authenticity is my imperfections. You know, my courage is loving myself, regardless of my imperfections. I love that. I love that because you can't express love. I love that without opening up, without being vulnerable. But then it knows it's the fullness. So regardless of whatever received like, oh, I'm still love, which is, I say resilient. I see even love is stress progressive. Like if it's stress, it's like, no, no, I'm love. You can't do nothing to this. I am. So I was, when I think of love, it's love is an action. Love takes the initial action for the well being of something else. Oftentimes not expecting anything in return, but it takes the initial action because it's worth it. What love does, it sustains life and it takes that action first. Right. Now, putting that on the self love, I'm taking this action for me because I'm worth it for my well being. Yeah. And you know, and I'm doing it because I'm working, not because I need anything else. It's because, and that's where it's, it's self fulfilling. It's, it's, it's, no, I'm the fullness of this. And when you can do that, you can express that out here and regardless of where that love lands if it's received or not. That's, that sounds like a new problem. But I know me right here. And you get it back, like, like, and you're right. When people experience it, you can't be what you can't see. So when they see it, they're just like, that's dope. Okay, tell me about that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm preaching to them. I'm preaching to the choir. Hold on. We do that a lot here. We do that a lot here. That's all right. We do that a lot here. All right. So, um, actually, I mean, we've got the record up. That's, that's really, I'm on your, I'm on your clock. Well, we really so, you know, as we wrap this up, is there a what final piece of advice will you give our listeners on navigating their healing journeys from betrayal to particular in family settings. Um, one, I don't give advice unless I'm asked, just to be honest. And because I need to know context one and two, if the person is actually like, because I respect the wisdom that is with the person. Yeah. Okay. And I will talk with it. I'll talk, you, I'll talk with you through it. To walk you to where you believe. Now that said, um, betrayal to be on topic with betrayal. I would say, man, there's a long topic. Life happens and we give it meaning. We could go through the same experience, but it means different things in different. Um, I know that some things that some people see as betrayal may not be betrayal to others. There are some people who don't have your best interest in mind. We have discerned it to figure out who they are. They're trying to satisfy what they believe are their needs. And it's how do we set down, just remove ourselves from that. If we see those patterns. And how is it that we can see other people and not take it personal. Um, those are different skills that we need to build along the way. How do we pass those kids skills on to our kids as we're growing up. I think we share our stories without being preachy. I'm not forcing this on you, but this is why I believe what I believe. This is a, this is earned experience. And I respect your wisdom. That's what you're going to go through, but I'm giving this to you. So it's not, and we don't make it about us, but we make it relevant to what they're going. Right. Um, really what I'm talking about is just life. It is like, but. When coming back to not to make it about you, but as you said, you lived in front of the public eye for so long. And that takes courage. And it's just like, because then people have a lot to say about your life is like, how do you actually shut that out and understand who you are. Um, and how do you have that conversation of you figuring out life with. No, I think I'm just rambling, but, but to get back to the point of betrayal is just like. Some people are going to betray you. Some won't. And like, you don't take that personal and it's just like, how can I soldier on that soldier on, but how do I find support. For what I do need and how can I be discerning of knowing those people who are from like those who aren't. And then how can I continue to not betray myself, trust myself. Right. And soldier on. Right. There are a lot of layers to this that we could speak on for hours and days and weekends, but you said one piece of advice that this is this is what I'll leave with you. I finally came to it after all of it. Um, and this is actually what I do share when people ask me is a one piece of advice he'd like to leave her parents I'm usually don't touch on but repair and reconnection. Everything that eventually grows must first break. That's what I do. Now does it break from the a watch out. Fireworks. That's what's happening. Now does it break from the inside or does it break from the outside. That's the question. It breaks from the outside. That's death. It breaks from the inside. Life emerges. I'm thinking of a cocoon. I'm thinking of an egg shell. Life is constantly emerging. Now I said everything that eventually grows was first break, then we're made stronger in the broken places. What we do as parents is. Show our kids how to repair and reconnect. Yeah. That is admitting when I'm responsible for that breaking. Maybe that break of betrayal. Maybe that I fell short of my expectations. And then you say, that's not the person I want to be identity. Remember, starts with that any that's not the person I want to be. I made it right. And this is who I'm committed to being for going forward. That's repairing and reconnecting. Like I said, all relationships have conflict that doesn't define the relationship. It defines it is how we deal with the conflict and repair and reconnect those relationships worth keeping. And always repair and reconnect the relationship right here. Yeah, repair and reconnect people. We talk about that before, but she heard it once again. I love that. Well, you know what, thank you. Is there anything that you, you got anything going on in your books. I got like. Hey, you know, there's something that you want so people can really go out there and. I mean, like I said, we don't have enough time to really touch face. That's why I made this a whole month long series, because it's so much to, you know, to really get into it. But what do you have on our. You know what? I am launching a new cohort to find case studies for the show up framework. So if you go to market six.com, you can reach out to me there. If you want to work together, but then on LinkedIn is where I hang out. I'm not so much on other social media. You'll find me, but for professional work. Reach out at market six.com. I have some workshops coming up in regards to identity. And then in regards to communicating with your protein. You'll be there in a little while. Other than that, like. Life is good. Like what else do I have coming up? That's me. That's me. If you want to find me. You know, as you were talking, I had because we did. I want to I want to speak on. Black boys becoming black man. And we're talking. And what does that conversation look like? And I want to, I want to just step back a little bit. Okay. Just dip my toe and just work quick. I'm saying this because. So the context here. Yeah, because there is now, I guess this 2025 or whatever product 2025, but that they're going to start to. And I want to make, because I don't know exactly what it is, but I'm just things that I'm hearing with about single mothers. Single mothers, big thing, single mothers in. Parenting. You know, I'm a little black boy. Let's put it that way for you. Have what have that look like for you. And counseling. And having a communication between the parent and the single black boys. What a little black boys in this day and time. Okay. So. Thank you for bringing that up because there's no meaning without context and being black in America is a whole different context from just any general context. Yeah. I did grow up. I'm in the Bahamas now my dad's from the Bahamas. I went to school in Alabama and was born in California. And I do identify as American at times at other times. I love you America, but it's all right. I have been a black male in America. And I've had those conversations. I want to first say we don't parent as individuals with parent and pods. And that is to say. Find the other people inside your child's life where they can trust. Because you may not be able to give them everything they need. And I'm talking about two parent families as well. I'm talking about like this is as humans, we find our needs of different people. And what your child does need is an understanding. Again, you can't be what you can't see. So try to find people who can actually bring an image of who you want them to become. Speak to. Again, it's bringing an identity to that boy of this is who you are. This is who I see you becoming. And it is your choice because one of the strongest, I wouldn't say reprimand, but when I was in the classroom with my fifth graders when the strongest things that I've learned was when you ask a person. And you don't say that from a place of judgment. But it's I'm recognizing your authority in how you are going to live your life. And you get to choose who you are. Is this the type of person you want to be. Now that said, again, hold them in high esteem because there's a lot of America who's constantly showing trying to show them what their value is where it's like, I don't know. You wouldn't. At least you know what other people might hold beliefs right here. If ever you forget that I believe you're more than. And I'm going to hold this belief for you until you believe it. Sometimes it's hard to do that, but I think I say it many times this is life, but life is beautiful like that I think. What advice do I give them life supports those who support life. There's there's a support system for you out there. Hold them in high esteem, put them in circles and communities where they are in high esteem. Places that are pro social and when I say pro social where they're actually working for the betterment of other people because I think that's one thing that. As males, that's what's creating the loneliness epidemic, if you will, we're not learning how to care for other people. Changing the conversation about what it means to be nurturing and masculine. It doesn't have to be binary. You can have both of those. There's a lot to say on that Naomi, but I hope I hope some of that might help the single mother out there and the other families out there like anybody, because you know Naomi what I do have going on. I went to an HBC, I went to Oakland College, Oakland University in Alabama. Okay. And I'm working with my friend Emmanuel on creating a community for fathers to speak love and affirmation to their sons Emmanuel. He's my best friend. He has his son, Lucas, and we're starting a podcast and it's called young man you are loved. So that is, you know what, look out for that. Look out for that. I'm telling the audience now. And when it comes out, if I'm welcome back, I'll speak specifically. Yes, most definitely, you know, as you that when you said that, I have one family members that they much older now, but I know this is something that they needed to hear, they something that they needed to truly hear. Because as you said, for men, it's very hard for them to. I don't want to say love but just show those emotions to someone else. Yes, it really is because it's been taught to them, you know that we supposed to be hard we supposed to take care of the household. And that's it, that there is no loving there is no connection that they have and I'm not saying all, I'm not saying all. But that is the gist of what it is, you know, when it comes down to males, period, especially black males, you know, so I'm glad that you and your friend are, please share that when you do let me know I was blasting on out there, really. You know what it is. It's what you said the word vulnerable means. It means open to be hurt. That's actually what vulnerable means. I'm able to be hurt. And oftentimes male or female, however, the reason we shield or we close up is because we don't want to be hurt. And that's when we stop being vulnerable, but you cannot love without being you cannot expand and grow without being vulnerable. So it's when you understand I can be hurt and I'm bigger than that hurt. I can optimize that hurt. Matter of fact, that hurt, I recognize it. And I keep on moving. I'm expanding. Well, well, great job. This was good. This was good. All right. Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. And to my listeners out there, I want you to remember to check out Marcus's work on his website and follow him for more insights and don't forget to tune in tomorrow for another enriching episode. And keep embracing your journey, love and courage. All right. Thanks for joining us. The season is self love. Share, subscribe and join us again. Have a good one. Thank you for joining us on this journey of discovering an empowerment here at the season of self love podcast. Remember, embracing self love is a continuous journey and we're so glad to have you with us. So if you enjoy today's episode, please leave us a review and don't forget to join our community on Facebook at season of self love. Connect with a like minded individuals who are also on their self journey. Now, if you have any questions or topics that you like for us to explore, we'd love to hear from you. Email us at season of self love at gmail.com and let your voice be her. So until next time, take a moment for yourself today and remember you are worthy of love, joy and all the beautiful things that life has to offer. [MUSIC]