The Road to Teshuva | Part 8, by Rav Moshe Taragin
Avoiding "Viduy Traps": Denial, Deflection, Disingenuousness
KMTT - the Torah Podcast
The Road to Teshuva | Part 8
So this week we've been talking about the paradoxes of Chuva. Today I want to talk about something related, it's called Viddhoi Traps. One of the Viddhoi Traps, and Viddhoi is such a central component of your kipper, of your davening, one of the traps, how do you navigate Viddhoi? So first of all, at a practical level, it pays now that you're segueing into more of an adult face of Chuva to get a Viddho explanation, either in English or Hebrew, do many different foreign, the Chuva will hand out a little booklet, remember, Viddhoi can be very, very brief, it could be very extensive, the Viddho of Chazal was very brief, the Ramban's Viddhoi is very brief, the very expanded and elaborate Viddhoi's that we have, the Ashamnu alafbeis, the alfheir, which is also based on the alafbeis, these are the menhagam, some of the very, very early menhagal, like in the days of the gonin, but Viddhoi can be one tier, Viddhoi could be, in fact, you could spend your entire adult reciting Viddhoi, but if it's not authentic and we'll talk about authenticity, then it's an empty Viddhoi, so prepare yourself for Viddhoi, don't just treat it, not that you should treat davening, something unprepared for either, but don't just treat it as part of the davening that you happen to open your moxone Viddhoi, so the first challenge of Viddhoi is, of course, denial, where you read the Viddhoi and say, well that's not me, and that's not me, and that's not me, and it's a defense mechanism, and it's a defense mechanism that we normally employ the whole year because if we lived with who we really are, and we stared our flaws in the mirror, it'd be devastating, so we can't every single day, every single moment, live with the trauma of, just take a second while I'm talking, and think about the bad things or the negative things you did over the last week, you haven't thought about them because you repressed them, and you put them on the side. There's Shanim Kippur's a time to uncover that lid and try to access some of the very deep and dark parts of whom you are, and your fears, and to understand yourself better, that's why I told you earlier in the year, for a long process, as you grow older, you'll know yourself better, you're enough, you're be sure enough to know what you've done, you're probably not yet mature enough emotionally to know why you've done it, it takes a lot of psychological self-awareness, because there's a derechreit, Yazza of Russia, Dharko, Visha of Imakshavossap, and the derechreit isn't always identifiable as part of the chait, it's not like one of the same turnpike, there are psychological pressures and stresses that are deeply wired within you, they're not even your fault, based on what happens you in life, based on how you erase, based on your parents, based on how a range of factors that then manifest themselves in certain failures and sins and behavioral patterns that it takes a long time to understand, until you understand them, you can't break them, you can't reverse them, part of voicing a psychologist, for people, and in my day, I'm sure on your day also, it was taboo to see a psychologist, who's a psychologist, nutcakes and fruit jobs, and people who have to be hypnotized as being chickens and flying helicopters, today, it's perfectly normal, many people with my family, so a psychologist, and they really help you, it's like doctors who know the inner workings and the inner map of your psyche, just like you'd see a doctor who knows the inner workings and inner map of your anatomy, of your biology, so they help you understand how it's probably based on this particular moment in time, this trauma, sometimes they'll be based on a particular incident that happened well, well, well in the past, you could have been young, could have been 5 years old, could have been 15 years old, you didn't handle it, we didn't even know you were handling it because you're so young, and it created a certain identity within you that's hard to climb out, that identity drives you and compels you to certain behavior, so understanding yourself as a lifelong class is part of Shiva, it's part of turning your past into not just something that you were toned for, but turning your past into something positive, when you speak to a psychologist, you're able to take that moment and teach you how to convert that moment that was a trauma, it was difficult into something that you could learn a lesson from, view differently, process differently, it's why Shiva and psychology are so parallel, because they're both about looking into the past and converting the past, that's just relieving the pressure of the past, so that's why there's so many Vidoyan, because as time goes on, hopefully the egotism and the stubbornness and the self-denial and the self-contentment and the false narrative will tell ourselves, starts to break, starts to shatter, I would say that for me, having performed Vidoy, let's say for close to 47, 48 years, consciously, I was younger, I said Vidoy like a little kid, but someone was an adult and thought about Vidoy, I would say that more or less my arc is that in the beginning of my Vidoy, if you don't care about Vidoyan, Vidoyan, I'm at about a 60-70% rate, I'm able to associate 60-70% of the Vidoyan to my behavior, and then when I read some of these Vidoy's, they seem so distant from my behavior, it seemed like they were just plug-ins, because Razzal had to, whoever wrote it, I'll have to find it, I'll have to find it, I'll have to, I don't know, I don't know, Maso Matan, it's not a lot of businessmen, so he brought in a lot of men, so I'm never thinking about a little more, how do I handle money, how do I handle other people's money, so repeating Vidoy is important, when you just say one Vidoy, you're right, one Vidoy would be enough if you could turn the switch and transform yourself from disingenuous to honest and authentic, that's a hard switch to turn, that's where you repeat Vidoy, it does break down, you can see this off the Nile, and allow you to access more authentic layers of your identity in a more courageous fashion, generally, here's a general rule for Chuvva, general rule for Vidoy, general rule, not so much for life, I'd say more for Chuvva, in life you have to learn how to anesthetize raw nerves, as much as you think life is perfect, there are things in life that will cause you pain, and after a while, you can no longer control them, they just will hurt you and cause you pain, you have to learn at a certain point how to manage that pain, and one of the ways of pain management is you anesthetize that nerve, you don't think about it, you turn the other way, you focus on the positive, you don't want to have pain and tragedy and sadness in their life, you can either obsess about it, you can fixate it upon it, and then you fall into depression, or you can just say I'm going to focus on the positive I have in my life, that which works, that's a normal, healthy psychological lifestyle, in general in Chuvva you have to reverse that process, for Chuvva if you think about something that causes you pain and causes you to wince and you feel uncomfortable about something, follow the pain, don't flee from the pain, you know what I said? In life you have to walk away from it, I don't want to know about it, I don't want to see it, I don't want to think about it, I want to focus on the positives, unless it's something so criminal, you've killed something, you know, I don't want to know about it, you want to, but normal, the things that cause this pain, where it's with Chuvva, when you're thinking well through that roster, if you find something that causes you pain, then pursue that avenue, when do I think of it, stop, what did I just think about, why did it cause me pain, what does it come from, how often do I repeat it, pain is normally the compass towards authentic Chuvva, pain is a stop sign in normal life, stop, take another route, in Chuvva it's a compass, follow the suit, which brings me to the next Chuvva trap and that's not just denial but deflection, the Itzahara knows you guys are all the top boys in Erity's throw and you shoot at her and see how he knows he's not going to dissuade you from Vito, you're not going to spend your own Kipra watching the World Series in return, it'll be the nice matter, very sincerely, performing Chuvva, so his hope to prevent you from Vito is almost few and he's not an idiot, the sattan has a different plan, and I say the sattan, I just mean horns and pitchfork, red tail, I mean you're in our doubts, it's called deflection, if he could get you to focus all your energies on the following three khatayim, he'll have a field day, this will be a win for him, one of the three things that the sattan wants you to perform Vito for, Kipra Vaim, Lush and Hara and Hilo Shabbas, because those are the three generic sins that every one of the world keeps, who can say that they never say Lush and Hara, who always unfortunately you slip or slips off your tongue, you can try, you can improve it, who can say that they're absolutely spectacular with Kipra Vito, it's a hard mitzvah, on many, many levels, it's a mitzvah you simply cannot learn from a chuvannargh, because you can know all the halachas backwards and forwards, but the gap between the theory and practice is so huge, the canyon, the ravine is so large that unless you see people who excel in Kipra Vaim, you don't have a role model, have you seen people, I've done this to the question, I'm trying to ask you questions to make it more existential, have you seen role models with Kipra Vaim, I have, and when I try to be a makhabat avaim, I don't always do a great job, I try to think of role models, because this is impossible, I know it's chuvannargh, it's human emotions, it's complicated relationships, challenges are very hard, it prays on your own need for independence, you don't want to be only your father or your mother's son, and of course Shabbas, it's hard, there's so many changes in the, so if you could spend your entire Yom Kipra on those, you're missing the point, that's what it's a Hara Owens, if you had a form to generic formulaic al vidos, sincere, al makhazib al-Shahara, I'm not going to waste my time in learning, the real territory he's frightened for you to enter is your territory, your own private vidos zone, where you're not just parroting the alchates that apply to every certain person, every person equivalently, but you're finding out this is really me, these are the smudges of my character, this is the ugliness in my soul, this is my darkness, these are my demons, these are the issues I have to face, he's terrified for you to enter that territory, because that's the territory of identity transformation, we're looking at yourself in the mirror, and you're blocking out all the generics that everyone fails at, and all the cliches that everyone thinks about, so it's not just denial that's the vido trap, it's deflection, where you deflect psychologically, as we always do project, we deflect away from the real stuff to the areas that are just more general and universal that cause us less pain, one more vido trap, cause we're running out of time of course, is the circular trap, is to save vidoi, and to really identify and locate the areas, but to pledge change with half a heart, so I'm going to change, because vidos not just confessional, that's vicarious, vidos confession that brings pain, brings sadness, brings melancholy, and hopefully that melancholy springs hope, change, commitment, discipline, or reversal, what if that's not really authentic, well the irony is, that we have one vidoi about inauthentic vidoi, it's like a circular vidoi, what's that vidoi, al-chaych-a-tan-lof-an-cha-bividoi-pe, asham forgive us for the vidos that are inauthentic, here's oxymoron, that's probably the only authentic vidoi, you get it, the only time that we're really being authentic is when we confess that our vidos are not authentic, that's the irony, so what's the solution, well one is to say you know what asham, you're right, I'm not bad authentic, but at least one of my vidos is authentic, at least I'm only taken fast in the middle authentic, so I always take that vidoi, who says I have to have every vidoi, at least one vidoi I'm being authentic, like acknowledging that I'm inauthentic, okay, it can't just be that, it's the, as I said earlier in the year, to dig deep, deep down into an inner rod stone and say look, I know I'm inauthentic, but I am authentic, here what I just said, I'm inauthentic, that means that if you think about yourself, who are you, I'm full of lies, I'm full of half-truths, I'm deceitful, but dig a little deeper, not the eye, but the eye, your soul, your essence, that's not who you are, you're not a cheat, you're not a fraud, you're not an imposter, the world breaks you down, pressures confuse you, this is a hard, hard world to grow up in, on many, many levels, we had a much easier world to grow up in, quieter, slower, our heads weren't filled with as much information overload, we had a clearer path to identity, you have a hard, hard world, the credit, I call it the pill test, but I don't want to keep coming back to the pills, would you take a pill, it's called outer me an inner me, outer me is the me that you think about day to day, and that means sometimes lies and sometimes lies to yourself and sometimes doesn't act, but the inner me is a good person, actually I'm created that inner me, that's untarnished, and true of us about trying to dig to that inner me and try to get past the outer me, the outer layers, and to find that level of authenticity, the level of, it's a search for authenticity, and so I said all it takes is one tier, all it takes is one v, do it one tier, you'll know it when it happens, but sticking, think about Chufa's altitude, not just altitude, we'll talk about how Chufa's both altitude and also it's broad, it's panoramic, but Chufa's up and down, you're trying to find a karish barhu, but you also, before you find a karish barhu, you're trying to excavate a deeper self, and that deeper self is more worthy to be Miyala the Harajm, Miyakum kumkamkachau, Nikhika Paayim u Varleyavab, Ashul Anasul Ashul Anashi, notice that inner you that has to be extracted, so you can stand on the Harajm, it's not an inner you that eats more matzah or learns more tara, it's just the authentic yu Nikhika Paayim, Varleyavab, Nikhika Paayim u Varleyavab, you're an honest, mentally specific person, Nikhika Paayim u Varleyavab, and you're a clear, honest, hearted person. That person exists, they've just been covered by layers and layers of a hard world that's full of, I want to say half-truths, but the absence of truth and a very confusing maze of experience, so think about some of the vidoy traps of denial, deflection, and disingenuous vidoy, and think about how you wrestle with those, even wrestling with them is 90% of success, because if you're aware of the issue then you're facing the issue, whereas if you babble and power vidoy, you know, you've been digging to these areas of questioning, then it just becomes formulas and lip service, and then even vidoy pet, right, vidoy pet, you're really great at vidoy pet, but you're not sad about that, you're happy that you're a vidoy pet and you can get a passium keeper, okay? Have a great day everyone.