The Manic Candice Podcast
Doxie
If you hang up on me, you'll die just like your mother. Do you want to die, Sydney? Your mother sure didn't. Doxy, I have a question for you. I am assuming that you're gay or at least bisexual. Is that correct? Yes, I'm queer. I'm bisexual also. So I've been hearing this discourse on Twitter that people who are not queer are saying the word twink, as like a slur, instead of saying the F word, because they can't say it. How do you agree with that? Have you seen it? I have. Yes, I am going to be honest. I'm not the most-- I personally am politically correct. Whenever I'm speaking with anybody else, but whenever other people stuff like that, with specific things that relate to me, obviously only, but twink, it's really not a big deal to me. Or when people say fruity or other terms like that, I'm just like-- I mean, I understand certain people feel like it's a microaggression, and that's totally valid and whatnot. But I feel like in most cases, people aren't really doing a ton of harm. That probably sounds awful, but you know, I think it just depends on the person. It doesn't-- I feel like, me personally, I came from a different time. And what it meant to be gay during that time is very different from today. We've made a lot of progress. I feel like back when I was in middle school and elementary school, like the bullying for being gay or being suspected of being gay was just very intense. There was murders and people being kicked out of their homes. I'm sure that stuff is still going on. But I think we grew up in a different time, which I appreciate this later generation, having the acceptance, having their own month, having the right to marry. We watched all that play out during our lives. So I think that maybe the word twink isn't so shocking or it doesn't hurt so much. Would you agree with that? Yeah, I definitely agree. I'm a millennial, and so are you as well? Yes, I'm 29. Wait, are you gay yourself? If you don't mind me asking. Oh, okay, got it. So yeah, I definitely agree with you. I think we definitely came from a different time. And I myself have not ever really been like a social justice warrior type person, although I do understand that. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, and I get it, and I love the passion, but sometimes it's a little too much. It leans on the cringy side, but I totally get fighting for my rights, fighting for who I am, fighting for respect. I totally get that. So I came across your Twitter on Instagram. Somebody screenshotted one of your tweets and put it on their little Instagram mean page. And I thought it was hilarious. I didn't know what-- I don't remember which tweet it was, but then I followed you. And I'm like, if I can get this person to follow me back, I feel like such a cool person. So thank you. Absolutely. I feel cool for you following me back. I mean, you have your own show. And thank you so much for inviting me to speak with you also, because I think it's awesome. I've never done this before, by the way. So I'm a little anxious, but I like-- I love that. Most of all, I guess. Like, it could be fun. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. To connect with people, that's something that I'm doing new-- I have a lot of solo episodes. So connecting with people that I interact with online, just reaching out, hey, do you want to do a podcast? And the response has been very good. I-- Phoenix has a big art scene out here. So I asked a couple artists to participate, and they just left me on red. And I'm just like, what? You know, like, I don't care how talented you are. I don't care how famous you are in the community. It's like, you know, you're not too good to help someone. I feel like, I don't know. Yeah, and help yourself, really, is how I always see it. And I don't think any opportunity, even to just connect as human beings, is like, I would take for granted, ever, like, no matter how big or small. You know what I mean? Like, I love connecting with other people, so. Yeah, let's talk about that. Do you experience loneliness in Chicago? I did for a long time, whenever we had COVID shutdown procedures and all of that. But it was also during a time that I was coming out of a seven-year relationship that I was in. And so I hadn't spent a lot of time on my own, like, as a single person. So during that two, the first two years of COVID, I spent that time alone. And I actually started really enjoying my own company. And, like, the loneliness kind of dissipated. And now I hardly ever go out, but it's really my choice. Yeah. I said this, I think I tweeted this, like, yesterday, or maybe today, even. But I was just like, I don't really get lonely anymore. Because, like, when you learn to be by yourself and be comfortable in your own thoughts. Yes. You just enjoy the time that you have to do whatever you want. Because usually you have to, like, abide by, you know, what the other person wants to do as well. And I love choosing what I want to do at all times. Yeah, for me, the world-- certain people in my life, my family, people's dangers that I meet, once they find out that I'm single, I've been single for since the pandemic. OK. And I enjoy my own time. And people ask me, so when are you getting married? So when are you going to have kids? And I'm like, first of all, rude. You know your business. And second, I'm not. I made a choice last year to never have kids and to never get married. I've seen, like, I don't want-- I love my freedom. Yeah. I don't want to give that up. And I feel like I didn't think I would live past 23. I'm 29. And, you know, once after my last relationship, I'll let you know my ex put a video of me on Pornhub. Wow. OK. Yeah. So ever since then, I was like, you know what? I don't like relationships. I don't like these games. I don't like people one-up at each other. Sure, there's true love out there. I believe in that. I just don't want to find it. I'm sick of it. And I don't want to raise a child on my own. There's, like, a generational curse, if you want to call it, that of women in my family, that they raise their kids by themselves. The father's absent, my father's absent. So my grandmother was in an arranged marriage. And my mother's marriage went to shit. Like, he, like, took all her money. So I'm an addict, you know? And that makes me selfish. And to bring a child with me, I don't think that's a good idea. And some people will be like, but-- I was just going to say, I'm right with you there. Like, I really have no objection to the way you view things. And I think a lot of people these days are making that same, reaching the same conclusion. But go ahead, continue. I was going to say that I've been called selfish because of not wanting to do those things. And I think that's just, like, very ridiculous. And I don't feel emptiness inside. I don't feel like I'm missing out. I feel like I saved myself. Because once I look around at my friends who have grown families, it's like, how could you be so short to start a family or someone? How could you be so short about that person? And they come to find they don't know who the fuck they married. They don't know who the fuck they appropriated with. And, like, things are hard. Like, I will-- I thank God that. No one can call me a baby mama. I think that is the worst thing to be called is a baby mama. It's just so gross to me. Yeah, but you don't worry about having kids. That's not your issue. But what are some issues in the community that you face that-- Well, just to follow up really quickly, I think that your choice is totally respectable. And I can see a lot of you making that decision and feeling that way as well. I feel similarly, but I'm not totally close to the idea of a child one day. But at the same time, I'm like 99% totally happy by myself. I'm not even sure if I want to get into another relationship, to be honest, because I'm so happy alone. Me neither. So I'm definitely with you there. But what was your other question? My other question is, like, what challenges do you face in the queer community in Chicago? Is there, like, a clash between the younger generation and the millennials? Because I don't see millennials being so like social justice warrior about their queer rights? Do you feel embarrassed by how they conducted themselves in the last four years? No, annuals? No, like Gen Z in Gen Z. No, I totally, totally look up to Gen Z. I think they're so much more outspoken. And of course, we've come to the point where they feel comfortable to do that. And so I do think that millennials paved the way for that to happen. But Gen Z is going further, which I totally look up to. Because I was never very comfortable, like, as a young adult, being out and proud. And for me, it was a more conservative environment, which is, you know, following up on earlier. That's why I feel less offended by stuff. Because I dealt with so much negativity. That certain things now seem like nothing to me. Like, it's like somebody that here that's beat down their entire life. And somebody tries to bully me these days. And I'm like, OK, you know what I mean? It doesn't bother me because I have such thick skin. And I think people criticize Gen Z because-- and call people, quote unquote, triggered and all of these things. But I think they're awesome. Like, I wish that I would have been that, you know, whenever I was their age. Because you have teenagers and people in their early 20s, mid-20s. Being super loud about who they are. And especially trans kids are finding more community. And that's super, super important. Because I lived a very isolated life. I didn't really come out in my later years, so. Yeah. I was caught. Me and my girlfriend were in my room. And we were cuddling. But to my mom, she thought that we were just friends. And we were 14 at the time. But we were cuddling pretty intimately. And she walked in and was like, get out. And I was like, oh my god. Oh my god, my mother was one of those-- my mother was one of those like, gay is OK as long as it's not my child. So that's how my parents were as well. Yeah, I didn't figure that out until that moment till she told me to get out of the room. And she was like, what are you doing? And I was like, being Brianna, our girlfriend, girlfriend. And that's what you saw. And she's like, absolutely not. And it was in the middle of the night, she took her home said that she wasn't allowed to come back. The next day, she brings this bitch from the church. And she was like, my gosh. She's like, you're going-- her name is Eva. She's like, you're going to Eva's house. And I'm like, for what? And she's like, she's going to talk to you. And I'm like, what the fuck does this bitch need to talk to me about? No, no. Because we were a part of this Christian church. And my mom was a part of a small group. And Eva led the small groups at her house. So she was like this evangelist leader. What the fuck do you want to call her? And so she sat me down. And Real recognizes Real. I can tell she was a hoe when she was little. So she was sitting me down. And she was like, so your mom came to me and said that you were having a homosexual relationship. And I want to pray for you. And I was like, oh my god. That's so awkward. Yeah, I was like, oh my god. And in my head, I was like, why is this slut who's probably having three sons with her husband trying to be righteous on me about who I choose to have sex with, be in love with, whatever, whatever. Well, she's holding her hand over my head. She's praying for me. She's like doing all this wooing shit. And she had like Rosary and like the Virgin Mary. And I'm like, what the fuck is this going to do? I'm still gay. So I still have a girlfriend. And she was like, she asked me the question. She was like, are you promiscuous? And I was like, what? My gosh. And I'm like, how dare you ask me as like a 14-- I know some people, young kids are promiscuous, but like, what if I didn't know what that word meant? Like, why is he asking me that? And like, it was just, it was bad. And then like, the next day, my mother was crying and bawling, because I guess the prayers didn't work. And she was like, she was like, I am mourning the loss of my grandchildren. I'm like, fuck you. Like, you're mourning the loss of your grandchildren? Because I'm her only child. Yeah. So I was just like-- That's so like, presumptuous also. Yes! Like you said, you're bisexual, so it could go either way. Or you could adopt. Like, it's not like you weren't going to ever have children. And you know, you didn't come to that conclusion until recently. So-- I know. It is so presumptuous. And kind of weird adults to have these expectations of us. And it's like, now that I'm an adult, like, we're hoars, I feel like. And I'm just like, so how are you going to tell people, tell younger kids not to be promiscuous and not to have sex with the same sex? Because it makes you feel better. Like, that really pissed me off. And like, ever since then, I've never-- like, I've always, like, the whole question of me being gay has never been brought up again. And then I remember my mom telling me, I always knew you were gay. I'm like, what the fuck does that mean? What? It's like another kind of, like, microaggress. Yeah, it is. Like, what are you talking about? Yeah, and like, that scarred me. So like, now I'm-- it's not like-- I feel like I went back in the closet. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I was just scared to, like, ever be in a public relationship with a woman again, because of the way my mom reacted. It was like, I'm not going to love you anymore, because you're gay. And it was just like, wow, love is conditional with you. Exactly. Yeah, no, I had basically an identical experience to you with my mother. Chockingly, my dad didn't care at all. He's like, oh, because I came out as bisexual whenever I was 17. And my dad's like, OK, cool, whatever. And he just walked away, because I had sat them down at a dinner table. My mom started crying, and she went hysterical. And my family's very Catholic. So she basically was just like your mom. She was like, oh, it's just the face. And my grandchildren, like, they always were able to grandchildren. And I was like, mom, I'm 17. Like, that's not even something I have even became-- Why are you not in my mind? It was like, I moved out for some time, because after I came out to them, they-- you know, I think it was mostly my mom, like, my dad was fine with it. But because my mom mostly stopped speaking to me, my dad would just follow along with her, you know, because he didn't want to upset her. So I didn't-- I lived in the same house as them for another two years. And they were just-- whenever they saw me, they would avoid me at all costs. And it felt exactly like you just said with your experience, it felt like, wow, so the love was conditional. And it felt almost like I was this uninvited guest in their house. And I just had to move. So I ended up moving out at 19. And I didn't speak to them, really, for a few years until they kind of got around more to the idea. But it was-- at first, it was so depressing. And I had the similar reaction to you. Like, I kind of-- it was this, like, slingshot or rubber band effect wherever I started dating mostly girls. Like, I wanted to be seen more straight again, because it felt like I think it psychologically makes you feel like you can't be blovable if you're not straight, right? Right. So I did have a period where I did it, I think, like, three girls in a row after that, because I didn't want to be seen as gay. So yeah, that was-- I think it's a far more common millennial experience, like, sadly. I think just-- we just grew up in a time that was more conservative. So especially with black and brown parents, I think we had probably, you know, a little bit more rough than the average white person, for example, because we also have to deal with the racism issues. And it's like that on top of each other is like, oh my gosh. And like, whatever culture we come from, they have-- like, I'm half Navajo, and I have a cousin who's on the down low. And I have a-- my mom's cousin, he's older, he's on the down low, and he's married. So my culture, it's like, you're not a man if you're gay. You're not a man if you can't procreate with women, you're not married to a woman, and the father would have probably killed him. Wow, yeah, and I believe it too. That's part of many stories like that, unfortunately. And he's an older millennial. I think we're scarred, because we grew up as kids saying, you're gay, you're gay, you know? And then by the time I was in high school, this campaign to stop saying that started coming around. I'm like, oh, OK, that's good progress. And then Caitlyn Jenner transitioned. And then shortly after that, we got gay marriage legalized. And then their pride month became bigger and bigger. And then I'm just very happy that my little sister, who-- maybe she doesn't know she's gay, but she's all about the LGBTQ community, she's 12. But I was jealous, because my mom accepted her. Her mom accepted her when she said, because we were at the dinner table, and she's like, I like girls. Just blatantly like that. And I was jealous because my mom and her mom were so accepting, and they bought her a van with a pride flag on it. And she has lanyards with the pride flag. When she goes to Hot Topic, she'll get pride everything. And I don't think she kissed a girl or held hands with a girl. She probably just thinks girls are pretty, but I'm glad that she's not being hounded with questions like, are you promiscuous? Exactly, being shamed as a child, because that's not only so weird. I just think it's inappropriate. The fact that you're a figure that was supposed to be a guide to you, gives a stranger permission to do that to you, I think that's very invasive. And I'm so sorry that happened to you. I think also we have such similar lives. And I'm glad I'm speaking to you and listening to this, because it makes me feel like not alone in my experience. Because I also have a nephew who came out as gay. I think he was 12 when he came out. I have two sisters, and he's my nephew on my little sister's younger sister. She's older than me, but she's the younger one. The younger one. And she has three kids, and he's the oldest one. His name is Mauricio. And he came out as gay whenever he was 12. And the whole family was super accepting, and it was similar to what you just described. It was very casual for him. And everybody was cool, and accepting. And they talk about it, and they celebrate pride with him, and all of these things. It's so easy to feel a little bit of jealous, because whenever I was a kid, you and I, whenever we were kids, we didn't have that at all. We had to hide ourselves, and make ourselves small. And it feels like injustice in a way. But at the same time, I totally love that for him. And I am so happy that he gets to have that experience, and gets to have a family that supports him, and is not going to leave him out to dry or kick him out. Because I had so many friends, like in high school, and whenever I was younger, even, that were homeless, because their parents kicked them out for being gay. So I'm glad that kids these days seem to have less of that. And like you said, we had a little bit of an easy ride for a while under Obama, with legalization, gay marriage. But it kind of came back swinging. You know what I mean? The full home of phobia now, in Hispanic, and it's so scary. Yeah, like with the bathroom situation, that this has been happening for a while. Well, the rockin' during Obama's term. I think I feel like people were just making up crazy stories to be homophobic and transphobic. I had a hard time understanding trans people at first. But once I started learning about body dysmorphia, and gender dysphoria, I couldn't imagine wanting to be-- I can't imagine-- I have a version of myself that I want to be, but I'm not it right now. I can't imagine having that cognitive dissonance of knowing and feeling you are someone, but that's not who you present as. Like, once I got that, I started to really advocate for them. I was never hateful. I was just once the news and media started picking up on trans issues in trans community, and athletes, trans athletes competing, and what the ethics of that are, and just so much hate from people. Like, I really wanted to understand. And, turns out, I had a cousin that's trans that I didn't even know they were trans. Wow. OK. How did you find out? Yeah. My uncle is a Trump supporter, and we were at the dinner table, and he was talking, and talking, and talking. And then I brought up trans issues, because it was in the news. And you know your cousin, Kabika, is trans. And I was like, she is. So I was like, wow. So once it hits home, it's like, you get it. Yeah, definitely when it's somebody close. I'm actually-- I consider myself trans-- well, I am trans. But I kind of have-- I mean, it's a long story, probably, for another day. But, you know, I was-- whenever I was in my, I think I was 21, I had never really experienced or knew anything about trans people until I was 21. And then, like you said, they started showing things in the news, and I started learning a little bit about it. There was a huge movement on Tumblr, you know, of more education and more inclusivity in the LGBTQ community. And so I started learning about it, and I came out as non-binary in 2022. So I'm still non-binary. I-- there was some time, though, for some time, I believed that I was a woman. And, you know, it's a journey, and I think a lot of people have a similar experience to me where you kind of, like, terms-- I really don't like using titles even nowadays, because gender and sexuality are so fluid. You could be anything at any one point. Like, you don't have to be, you know, in this box your whole life. And I think it's totally fine for people to continue finding themselves no matter what age. We are, you know what I mean? Yeah. But, yeah, I did take hormones for a while. And that experience was-- I would say super positive for the most part. I was planning on fully transitioning. And I had all of these appointments set up through my employer at the time, which was recent. Like, in the past three years, I think. Or three years ago, rather. But, yeah, I had all these appointments to do it. And then COVID happened. And I got laid off. And so, you know, I can't afford all these surgeries. And I was super disappointed and depressed that it didn't happen. But it was almost like-- I wouldn't call it a blessing in disguise, because that's not a blessing at all. Like, I kind of wish sometimes that I still had had that opportunity. But at the same time, I just learned so much more about different, like, third genders and non-genders. And all of these different types of identities that we have in Latin America and Africa. And a lot of people who identified as neither man or woman, many native cultures were seen as holy. And I found that out. And I kind of started identifying more not really wanting to be a man or a woman. Like, I don't feel like I have to choose. I think that I have qualities from both genders. And everything between and outside of that. You know what I mean? So that was really my experience, and I'm happy with where I am now. I mean, most of the people see me as male, and I don't mind what pronouns people use and whatnot. But yeah, that was pretty much my experience. There's a lot of stories in between all of that. You know what I mean? But for the most part, I did feel comfortable enough to come out to people so some people know me as a femme and use she pronouns for me. But I use any pronouns now. Like, it doesn't bother me because I feel like I'm-- like, I'm just evolving every single day. And every day. Yeah, and we look great. Thank you so much. So do you. Thank you. And I see your pictures, and I see your eyeliner. And it's so unique, but it's like so forward, fashion forward. I love it. I can't even tell what age you are. Like, that's amazing. I'm like, is he in college? Is he-- is he 18? You know, I turn 30 next year, and I am so excited, very thankful to have made it that far. And I just want to live in my truth more and more. And I might just pop out with a girlfriend. I might not. I might not be with anybody. Like, I see myself-- like, I want my career to end like Kamala Harris. Childless and a vice president or president of something. I've always been very ambitious to, like, do something big. But haven't-- I mean, I've done things. But then it's like, once I got there-- like, once you realize you-- once you achieve some type of dream, sometimes it's bittersweet when you get there. For example, I had this business called PuffPass Paint Party, where I would throw events, and we could smoke cannabis, and I would, like, paint with you. And it was like-- it was a huge hit. But all of the dispensary owners-- yeah, it was amazing. And like, all the dispensary owners and, like, people who own, like, products like Stizzy and Select, and, like, all these, like, marijuana brands, they wanted their hands in my business. And, like, I got-- it ended because of 2020. I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I had my first manic episode. And one of the dispensary owners who had wanted her hand in my business, she called me because she knew something wasn't right. She recorded my whole mental breakdown. What do you mean, recorded? He screen recorded it on Snapchat. And Snapchat let me know she was screen recording. Oh, gosh. So she used that as blackmail and as leverage against me. That's so awful. Yeah. Sorry. Holy crap. Yeah. And so it's been a journey, and that's why I call my podcast, The Manic Candice Podcasts, while I was in the hospital. Like, this angel, this behavioral health tech, they were all African. I don't know why. But they-- he came up to me, he tapped me on the shoulder, because, like, in the psych ward, they, like, give you medicine to make you zone out, and, like, they put on movies all day. And he came up to me, and he was like, you need to start something. You need to start a YouTube channel. You need to start something. This was in 2020. He was like, you need to do something important. You have something else today. And I was like, what? So he gave me a pencil and a piece of paper, and I started writing down, like, titles of, like, videos I would do. And then, like, one day I find myself listening to Joe Rogan. I find myself listening to Joey Diaz. I find myself listening to Theo Vaughn and Tim Dillon, and all these comedians. And I'm like, I spent six hours of my time listening to these people. I'm like, I got to start something. So I did it, and we turned three years old this month. We turned three years old tomorrow. Congratulations. Thank you. It's been-- last time I checked, we were in 82 countries. Wow, that's amazing. Yeah, yeah. And like, Germany is my second high school group. How do you feel about it? I feel awesome. Yeah, Germany is my second most interesting. I know, right? And like, I've been getting messages from people around the world that go from Belgium. She said, I just got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I'm worried, and your podcast helps me. And I'm like, wow. Because I do talk about mental illness. I talk about a lot of things. But she really appreciated that. So I want to talk about your Twitter. How do you feel managing a big account with a lot of engagement? Does it scare you? It does, honestly. But I want to say that I'm a big fan of your show as well. And I think you're so cool for being able to openly speak about these things. I'm still a little bit shy about it. And I tend to hold a lot in just because of how people treat you, because I also have bipolar. And when you tell people, I'm sure, remember how some people just have this reaction to you where you're a liability. You're either a liability or you're infantilized. You can't take care of yourself and your baby of sorts. Yeah. And you're a trashout. Yeah. Yeah, so I've definitely dealt with that. And there's so many parallels in our life. I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm so happy we have this conversation, because it makes me feel much better to know that there's other people like myself out there. But also, I try to be as open as possible to on my Twitter. I do get scared sometimes, because I do get a little raunchy on there. But that's what I love. That's what I love so much. Like, what do you say? I forgot what you said the other day. But it just made me crack up. And I love how you change your profile picture almost every day. I'm like-- Yeah. Because I'm like, who is this random person that I followed? I'm like, oh, it's doxy. Yeah, no, I love changing my name and profile. Used to be really big on just having one identity as a child, because I was raised in a conservative Catholic family. And so I tried so hard to be this little perfect straight man. And so I think I'm going fully the opposite direction. I think it's super creative to just be someone new every day. So that's why I changed my profile. Yeah, and your music is awesome. I loved your music and I checked it out. And I can tell that you just get lost and like, hey, this sounds cool. Let me try it. Or let me remix with this effect on my voice. Let me repeat it and repeat it. And the lyrics, it's like deep. Thank you. I really appreciate you listening, by the way. I think I have maybe 15 listeners, which I think is great, honestly. Or even one person to listen to you. And I'm sure you feel the same way with your podcast. Seriously, I don't, but I sing on the podcast a lot. I sometimes I'll be in the middle of a sentence. And then I'll just bust out whatever song is playing in the background. And like, I'll rap, I'll sing. And then I'll be like, oh, I'm sorry, where was I? [LAUGHS] I think that that's super cool. And I'm happy that you can express yourself. What is your sign, if you don't mind me asking? I'm a big ass Leo. You're a Leo? I'm an Aries. Of course, we get along. Thanks, this isn't Aries. Fire lines. Yeah, fire signs. I always get along with Leo's and Sagittarius. Like, there's not a single one that I've ever had a problem with. I think we're all just so wild and embrace this side of us. It's like-- And people love us, people are jealous. Yeah. Of course, yeah. Of course. I've had people like-- like, hey, go rate her podcast, Zero Stars. And then they'll get on Twitter, like, I see your rating dipped, bitch. And I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with people? I've-- this podcast, I was threatened to be sued by my mom's ex-husband over an episode. Oh, gosh, over-- Yeah. And I've-- one of my top episodes was about them, but I didn't use their names. I just used the circumstances. Oh, OK. So they had no grounds. They had no grounds. And like, he harassed my mother. Like, why the fuck she talking about me? Blah, blah, blah. And my mom refuses to listen to my podcast. I don't know why. But she's like, did you-- did you mention his name? And I'm like, no, stupid, you know? And he commented, and he was like, you're a loser. You're always going to live with your mom. You're a loser, blah, blah. And I'm like, I'm a 17th floor in downtown Phoenix, and then my SS apartment. Like, you're in a trailer. You're-- but he-- People are always projecting stuff, especially onto us fire signs. I just love these people, because people try to bully me all the time. And I'm just like, this is just your insecurity, because anything that you say to me is really going to bounce off. I love myself. So I'm like, whatever. People try to be mean. It has zero effect on me. I'm like, it's not going to make me feel any-- think any lesser of me. It's myself. Like, are you kidding? But I-- all the leos I've met are confident as well, just as confident as me. So you seem to be that kind of person as well. So I'm glad, because-- Yeah, I will say, when it comes to other leos, some leos haven't matured yet. I feel like leos mature once I get to 27 that they can accept other leos like being in the spotlight. Because like three leos in a room, it's competition. I think it's the same for all of us fire signs also. Like, what I'd like to call healed and unhealed and healing is like three different faces. Of course, that's much more complicated than that. But I experience the same from younger Aries people. They're in this competition, trying to prove themselves. I think a lot of work needs to be done there. I used to be that way whenever I was in my teens. But it's been 20 years. Yeah. Toward whenever I was going to turn 30, I started mellowing out a lot, because I never felt-- or in the past, it wasn't fulfilling to even feel better than people. I think ultimately what I ended up feeling is that I'm competing with myself. And it's like Lady Gaga says in one of her songs, my biggest enemy is me. And that's such an Aries thing to say. And I don't know if you feel the same way about yourself. But it's like, we really are the only person that we should be aiming to improve our life. Like, I don't have any dog in anybody else's life. Like, you know, I don't really see myself in that way anymore, where I'm like, oh, this person is better than me because of X, Y, Z. I couldn't care less. And I'm so happy that I became-- that I healed in that way more. Because you know, when we're kids and we're trying to do each other when it comes to anything, I think ultimately it's just insecurity on all parts. It's a big display of like, you know, let me put on this superficial show, everybody else. And now I don't care at all. You know, and it's like the most freeing thing. And I wish more people could see that. I think younger people, like Gen Z is definitely embracing, not caring more like earlier in their lives. So I'm so happy to see that because I was definitely very self-conscious growing up. And I think that maybe a little bit of a late bloomer when it comes to like self-confidence and being able to like show myself. Because I was so scared of judgment, you know. And I still am a little bit, but now I tell myself, it's like really, somebody is not directly paying your bills. Like they have like, who cares what they say or think. They're going to think whatever they want anyways, right? So it's like you might as well do the thing you want to do. I have this epiphany last year or two years ago. I have about-- because I have an Instagram. And it's mainly my art page. I have an Instagram for the podcast, too. But I'm active on my art page. And all of a sudden, I wasn't getting any likes. And I'm like, OK, how come I have like 1,000-something and nothing's happening? So I was like, but everyone was watching my stories. Everybody. And so I was like, you know what? I went into my followers list. I removed everybody. And then so I was only following one person, and then I had zero followers. And then I just started from scratch. And it was just so refreshing to not feeling like I had to do things performatively, to get likes, because I had no followers. And I made it helpful. Yeah, and that was your choice. So bravo for that, because I never had that. I never-- I was forced to do that, but it wasn't my choice. I've been banned before. I'm not going to say which side's banned me, but-- I've been banned before. And it was kind of like at first. And it's been multiple times now. But I never made that choice. So how does it feel to do that for yourself? I bet it felt great. It felt great at first. I was like, oh my god. No, it's going to pay attention to you, because that's Leo. You love attention. And I'm like, oh my god, what did you do? What did you do? But once I realized that some people realized that, where's Candace? Where's M.D. Mankiw? Where did she go? So they came back and found me and added me. And I'm like, OK, you're a real one, so I'll add you back. But a lot of people who watch my stories, they didn't come back. They didn't try searching again. The funny thing is, I get a lot of watches from burner accounts. And you can go online and watch people's stories, and it'll come up as a porn star or something. I get a lot of-- Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I get a lot of people unblocking me just to look. And now I post-- I post whatever I want without feeling like, my god, is this going to get attention? Is this going to get based off how many likes I get? Does that mean that my painting was good? Of course it's good, because I said it's good. I've reached that point. And if you want to follow along, you don't have to. It's like one thing that-- Literally, yes. Yeah. I look at my podcast analytics. And I'm like, you guys are listening. You guys are definitely keeping up. Exactly. So I love my audience. It's global, and it's split down the middle. The demographics is 49.5% male, 48.5% female, and the rest is non-binary. That's-- you're literally just like me. Yeah, I have a similar audience on my pages. It's always been split. I've never had a leaning toward any gender, which it feels good, doesn't it? Because I'm like-- It feels good, because you get to-- Everyone is listening to us. Yes. Like, guys won't feel weird about listening to a girl's podcast, because I talk about real shit. Like 9/11, prostitution, fucking cheating. I talk a lot about cheating. I talk a lot, because men-- I always hate to say this, but I've always been the girl men cheated on their girlfriends with, and I had to find out. I've done it a few times. It sucks. And like, after the first time, I was like, I'm going to do things differently the second time if it happens again. I was such a Leo thing to do. I waited four years until the girl's birthday to call her and tell her that he was messing with me during their first year of their relationship. Oh my gosh, that is a very Leo thing to do. Yeah, I didn't know it was her birthday, though, until she was like, wow, happy birthday to me. Oh my gosh, yeah. And her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was like, that's not true, that's not true. And then he was like, I hope you die. I hope you die. I hope you die. I'm like, I hope you die too, bitch. Like, and I'm like, yeah, I'll have the same energy. Gosh, I love a spider, so I feel like nobody else is like us, because we have this ability to take things very seriously, and at the same time, we don't. Like, at the same time, it's like, you know, if you are going to represent yourself in a certain type of way to me, or if you're going to treat me a certain way, then I'm going to keep the same energy with you. You know what I mean? Like, I'm a very-- what I like to believe as respectful to the best of my ability, and I try to be kind to everybody. I'm not above Patty. I'm really not above it. Oh, I am not above Patty either. I will certainly get down if people get down with me. And there's just a certain extent that I would go to. And what I like to tell people is that with me, if somebody disrespects me, or if somebody does something very negative to me, they're not going to know what and who hit them later on is what I tell people. I'm like, I don't like to meddle into things too much, or even take things into my own hands, but sometimes things need a little push. And I don't know. Yeah, I believe I was that man's karma, because he was useless. Right? I felt that at times. I'm like, oh, I'm this person's lesson, and listen. I mean, I'm going to give him his lesson. Yeah. Yeah, that's-- Yeah. Right? Right, to have you had experience dealing with someone with mental illness, not yourself, but have you had experience dealing with someone with mental illness and what that looks like? Because when my mom tells me you're symptomatic, blah, blah, blah, blah, I don't know what it feels like. I don't know what it looks like, to have you experienced seeing someone from the outside, like acting not themselves? I have, and more recently than not, have really taken in how challenging it is for people to handle me whenever I'm having an episode or I'm in that situation. I didn't used to see that. Growing up, as a kid, you don't really see that. Because you just don't have all the necessary perspective and tools to be able to discern how difficult it is sometimes for people to handle you. Because now that I've seen it, and I especially saw it from somebody who was an Aries as well, that I met during the pandemic, and this person was like a mirror image that was being held up by the universe to me. And they had very similar habits that I have broken at this point, because it was-- I saw it from the outside looking in, and I'm like, that's exactly what I do. And I couldn't even be mad. You know what I mean? I felt like I was like, wow, you're like displaying behavior that I've had with so many people for so long. And it almost felt like it was a karmic lesson for me to see this behavior reflected onto me. And since then, I'm much more careful and aware of how my moods affect my relationships with people, because I didn't used to care as much as I do now, which like-- [INTERPOSING VOICES] You regret it, but at least I'm aware now, you know. Yeah. How do you feel about it? I-- my little sister, she is experiencing early signs of mental illness. And I don't know if it's going to result in a bipolar disorder diagnosis when she's 24. She hasn't had an episode. I think it's too young to determine. But she has said things like-- I wish I wasn't here anymore, things like that. So we put her in counseling, and she's on medication. And I just saw myself in her, because that's the same age where things started for me. I didn't-- I dealt with a lot of self-esteem issues. I had very low self-esteem. I hated myself. I hated everything about myself. My thoughts constantly were just like, you're so ugly. You're so fat. No one loves you. Like, you're stupid. And like, I was a complete opposite of what I was thinking of myself. I just didn't realize it. But once I-- like, once she started-- my little sister started showing symptoms of, you know, not liking herself, calling herself stupid, and just putting herself down. And how-- like, I just wanted to hug my younger self, because I was just like, wow, you're so young to be thinking like that. And I walk around eggshells around her, because I want to make-- because I don't know what mood she's in. And like, I don't want to offend her on accident. And then it made me think of all the times that my mom told me, I don't know what mood you're in when I get home. I have to walk around eggshells around you. And I never knew what that meant. And I always used to be resentful for her saying that. But now I know. And like, I have so much more respect and compassion and patience with my mom, because she's only there to help. She's only trying to help me. And I've been petitioned by the state of Arizona. And I'm considered SMI. It's the really mentally ill in the state. So I really have to watch myself, because like, I'll lose everything. What does that mean? Like, is that a legal designation that they give you? It is. It means I'm not allowed to purchase a firearm in the state of Arizona. It means that I have to be medicated. I get 400 milligrams of bibilify per month through a shop. And it's sponsored by the state. If I've become homeless, I'm entitled to a check every month. I have free health care for the rest of my life, because I'm severely mentally ill. So like, I don't pay for-- like, I joke around in a kiki. Like, I don't pay for my Adderall. I don't pay for my Klonopin. I don't pay for my Sarequo. But it's-- I feel like I should look into that, because I actually have AUHD, which is like autism and ADHD on top of bipolar. So again, more parallels to you. Yeah, look into it. Each state has their own version of what I have. I'm definitely going to look into that, because I don't have insurance right now. And it's like, rough. Yeah, even if I get a job and I get have insurance through that job, access is going to pay for everything first. That's incredible. Because we really do need these medications. And it's success. You have to be crazy to get free health care. Basically. But I think it's like, I'm happy that you are getting the help that you feel that you need, or that you need. You know what I mean? Because we really need it. I need my bipolar medication as well, because I think whenever I was young, I had so many severe episodes. And I just wish I had been medicated sooner. Because there's so many things in my life that went sideways, like all the way sideways. And it was because I hadn't ever been diagnosed or seen by a psychologist or a psychiatrist. And thank god that I eventually was in my 20s. Because I don't know if I would have made it out of my 20s, if I have to have a appointment. Yeah, that's why I say I didn't see life past 23. It's not that I was suicidal. It was just like, where is your life going? You're like a severe functioning addict. Like you have something wrong. Like you're sad all the time, you're frustrated. You can't focus. Like certain things just piss you off. And you just rather be alone in your law land all day. Once I-- Like literally saying. Yeah, I was misdiagnosed for a while. And I was taking the wrong meds. I was taking World Buterin, like an antidepressant. That quote unquote helps with ADHD. I'm like, look, I've done drugs. I need amphetamines to help me. I don't need no fucking World Buterin. And like she didn't listen to me. So like once I got court ordered to the psych ward, the psychiatrist I got assigned to, she's like, you don't need an antidepressant. If you're bipolar, you need exercise. And I was like-- Oh god. I've gotten told that so many times in my life. And I was like, OK. So I stretch. And that's the most-- that's the gist of it. Downtown Phoenix is a nice-- This is a nice-- Because my legs are falling asleep. So I'm sorry if I make a little bit-- It's OK, wait. Downtown Phoenix, there's a lot to do. There's a lot to walk around. And the weather's getting nice. The fair is about to come into town, so I'm excited. For that, we're one of the fastest growing cities. But we don't have a club scene, like a night scene. Like, we don't have-- I'm curious about the gay scene there. How is it? Is it? Because I know it's like the South, so-- But I don't know anything about Phoenix, I like to be honest. Well, it was Southwest. Like, the gay scene, we are a lot more accepting. But it's not where it needs to be. There are a lot of gay people that are out, but it's not-- we have one gay bar called Charlie's. And it's just one. Yeah, and there is predominantly Mexican down here. And they're the family of the millennial generation, like Gen X and the boomers who are still alive. They're still very much unaccepting and very much machismo. So the sons, they hide it. They hide it. So they'll present themselves as a man, quote unquote, a man in front of their family. But when they go out to the club with me, they're a drag. OK, gotcha. So it's a little bit more conservative. It's conservative, but the freaks come out at night. Yeah, it's interesting how that reminds me of how I think Grindr has said in the past, or one of their PR people have said in the past, that Grindr is the most popular, a Republican at the Republican National Convention. And now the one that comes about, right? And it's interesting because a lot of the people-- and I think there's a reality behind the idea that some of the most openly hateful, rhetoric kind of person secretly want what they speak against. Or it's almost this weird fetish they have. You know what I mean? I see it in Chicago as well, even though it's a little bit more liberal here. But it still happens quite often, where it's like DL people. And I don't know-- I haven't thought about it enough to where I have a lot of thoughts about it right now. But it feels a little like fringe to me in a way, because I'm more-- I'm kind of vanilla when it comes to a lot of things. So I'm like, why are you like this? You know what I mean? Like in a way below. Yeah, like what kind of conditions are on? Yeah, exactly. There's a lot of download men out here. And I've had my suspicions, like, I've been around. I've been around. So some guys will be like, can you play with my butt? I'm going to be like, OK. I'd peg the guy. You're like, OK. Oh my gosh, dude. How was that experience, how were you? Well, let me tell you about it. So I was on an app. And he seemed promising, you know? So he was in Tempe, which was like a town away. And I get to his office. He's doing freak shit in his office. So I get in his office. He's like eight at night. He has a projector with hardcore porn just playing. Oh my gosh, what a freaky frog. So we get naked, and then he starts using toys on me. And then he looks at me, and he's like, can I strap you up? And I was like, what? Well, what does that mean? And then he was like, he's like, look, I have a dildo. I have my dildo. And I want you to fuck me in the ass. And I'm like, where in your messages did you say that? So I was like, you know what, I'm here. I'm down. So he gave me a black hawk. And I was like, is it because I'm black? That he gave me a black hawk. Oh my gosh. What was he? Where was he from? The Middle East. Or his ethnicity, I guess. That's OK. Yeah, the Middle East. Yeah, like where is he from? He was Arabic there. But his action was very heavy. He was an engineer. Was he sexy? Really? Oh my god. Oh my god. No, like, when I was having sex, I was like, I wasn't trying to get my numbers up. I was just horny. So fucking-- he wasn't that great. But he lubed himself up. He squeezed that thing. Half the bottle was gone. Oh my gosh. He lubed the dildo. And then, you know, it was gym equipment where you can lay down and do bench presses? He laid on that. And then, he pulled up his legs. And then, I fucked him in the ass. His asshole was so wide. Like, I was like-- Was the dildo cute? Yes. And I was like, because my main concern was, like, I don't want to hurt you. And then, he was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and then came. Oh, my-- did you make him calm just by fucking him in the butt? Yeah, I didn't suck his dick. I didn't squeeze his nipples. I didn't do nothing. Wow. You're dumb. That's what I believe in. He gave me a tip. He gave me a tip. Yeah, he gave me a tip and I left, and I never fucking seen him again. Oh my god. I wish I was as adventurous as Leo. I think I'm very shy. It's probably-- I have a lot of stories. "Unser Moon," a little bit more shy when it comes to, like, sexual relations. I am very vanilla. Like, I really haven't done much that was, like, too out there, I don't think. I don't have any interesting stories like that, because I just stick to very boring things. Let me tell you about this one guy named Julian. He was a coke dealer. Tell me. He got his coke from Stockholm. So he says, but it was, like, really good coke. And he was, like, trying to groom me to fuck him in the ass. And then he was, like, my girlfriend stuck two fingers up there, and it felt really good. And I looked at him, like, can I get another line? And then he's, like, he's, like, yeah, my girlfriend, and my ex-girlfriend didn't, it felt good. I didn't think he would feel good. And then he's, like, now I say, don't knock until you try it. And I'm, like, so you're trying to have me stick something up your ass? He told me that I sounded like a Kardashian, made me whisper in his ear, and then made me eat his ass, and, like, jack him off at the same time. And, like, he came everywhere. And, like, this boy, there's no shorting rhyme in this boy that I was, like, in love with. But now I have this theory that he's really gay. I don't know where I started eating his asshole, and he didn't stop me. I was drunk. I was, like, I drank a whole bottle of Don Julio, 1942. And then until I ate his asshole. And, like, he came. And I was, like-- Wow. Wow. That really surprises me to hear all the time, because I know it happens, but it's never happened to me. So I'm, like, I mean, maybe somebody were extremely talented at it. But what was I going to say as well? I had another thought. You know, I really-- I don't see men who, like, booty play. It's necessarily queer. Although, overall, I think, in general, men are pretty gay. Like, men are super-- like, straight men are super gay for each other. Like, they seek each other's validation, like, more than anything in the world. And there's that whole culture, you know, from that one bald man. I forget his name. You know who I'm talking about? Like, that guy. That's, like, the major something he calls himself. I don't remember his name right now. I mean, he's-- I think he got arrested for possible alleged human trafficking before. I don't remember. You know what I'm talking about? Bald guy? Wait. Yeah, I forget what his name is. But anyways, there's a reason I don't remember probably. But there's these personalities online that make it their whole personality for just men to have each other's backs and seek a validation from each other. And it's like, seeing almost-- it's seen as gay to be too into your girlfriend or too into your wife. Excuse me. And I'm like, you guys are so gay. Like, some straight men are way more gay than some gay people I know. Because they're just always up each other's ass, you know, about seeking each other's approval. And I'm like, I don't seek this much approval from gay people. So it's like, who's really gay in this situation? You know what I mean? Right. But I think in general, 100% of the population has some sort of gender variance and sexuality variance. I just think that most people wouldn't admit it. No, I'm totally caught up. I've always believed that ever since I was young, I was like, there's no way. Like, you got to have some curiosity. It really takes a hot girl for me to be like in heat for her. It really does. Like, I can't just be with any girl because she's gay and she wants to be with me. Like, I have to either turn someone out or, like, they're just it. Like, my first girlfriend, how it happened. I told her, like, I was at work. And all of a sudden, all these feelings of, like, realization and epiphany and, like, I was like, you're in love with her. And I'm like, oh, my God, I started crying because we were friends. And I'm like, she's not going to say yes. And, like, so I told her, she was like, I'm so shocked right now. I don't know what to say. And then, so I kept telling her, like, this is how I feel. And then, she was like, OK, like, she agreed to it. And then, she's like, but I'm not a dyke. And I'm like, OK, I'm not either. We can both be friends. Like, don't be weird. So don't make this weird. Yeah, so we had sex for the first time. Her sister caught us. OK, how was that? I guess the next day, her sister was like, hey, I saw you and Candice kissing. My gosh. My God. And so she cheated on me with a man. And they had babies. And it was devastating because I lost my best friend and I lost my girlfriend. And she cheated and had kids. And that's something. And it hurt because I'm like, I couldn't give that to her. I couldn't give her a family like that, you know, a natural, non-in vitro family. Oh, my gosh. No, I know. I mean, I don't know exactly what you mean, but I know a similar feeling. Because-- and this is-- I wanted to ask, like, doesn't it feel-- it stings extra bad when it's somebody that is a different gender than yourself? Because I'm like, damn, I couldn't even give you that. Like, you know what I mean? It's like, mm-hmm. It just feels so wrong for some reason. And I'm like, really? Like, it just feels like you're the-- my God, like, it's-- Yeah, I feel like such an outcast. I felt like it's such a redid. Seriously, I have been cheated on as well. And I've been cheated on with a woman who, at the time, you know, felt like was the opposite gender. And I was like, really had these very difficult, complex feelings because I'm like, wow, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not that. So it's like, there's not even anything I could have done to prevent that. Like, I can't compete. You can't compete, because you can't compete. So I know it's heartbreaking. I'm sorry to happen to you, too. Thank you. I will say that, unfortunately, you know, because we were really good friends once we got over the breakup. And she had her kids. I was like, I'd love to see her kids. Her baby daddy would sabotage any type of, like, meetup we would try to have, because he would track her location. Like, he'd be like, are you with her? Yeah, are you with her right now? And he would, like, be her, because, like, he suspected that we were hanging out. So, like, I saw her, like, when I saw her son and her daughter, we had to involve a third party, like, one of our mutual friends. And, like, we had to, like, do it very briefly. And it's so sad that someone that you, like, shared a life with is just, like, now you guys have to, like, hide. But, like, the last time I saw her, I could feel that she wanted to get back together. I could feel it. Wow. My gosh. But I'm like, I ain't taking you and your kids. Right? No, like, I hate being-- what do you call that when you're, like, the home wrecker? I have never cheated on anybody myself, and I'm very proud of that fact. That's good. Never, ever, because I got cheated on, I think, whenever I was 16. So, it happened so early for me that-- and I felt how devastating it was. So, I never wanted to make somebody feel that way. Not that I didn't mess up in other ways, but at least I never cheated. You know, I feel pretty proud of that. Because a lot of people cheat. I think it's like-- and I, however I have been a home wrecker, but it was unwillingly. I think you actually really mean the conversation. I was unwilling participant. You know, I found out later. So, I felt really sick to my stomach about that. Because if it was my choice, I wouldn't do that. Willingly. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think-- I don't think it didn't-- It doesn't feel good. So, I'm like, I don't want to ever make people feel that way at all. I'd rather not. I was the opposite. I cheated on my first boyfriend. And because I wasn't considerate and I wasn't mature, I was 18. And he was 23. And after it happened, I immediately cried. Because I was just like, number one, your relationships over. Number two, he loved you. He loves you so much. And number three, the person he did it with, it wasn't even worth it. Wow. Yeah, I never cheated again. But I've been cheated on, so I think that's karma. How old were you at that time? 18. I met him when I was 16. He was my boss at Hot Topic. And he waited until my 18th birthday to have sex with me. And that's how I lost my virginity. Wow, OK. I think I lost my virginity at like 18 or 19 as well. Which, for a long time, I felt embarrassed that it was quote unquote late. But I ended up finding out that it was pretty early in comparison to a lot of millennials. Yeah. And nowadays, kid, men in their 20s, they're not even having sex. And I'm just like-- Nobody's having sex, he says. And I think that's probably why there's so much conflict. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And toys are expensive. I had this guy buy me toys. But Plug was $150 just because it was heart shaped. And they had a jewel on it. Wow, that-- yeah, seriously expensive. I have a toy myself that I bought not so long ago. And it was pretty pricey. It was like $300. Because it's like an automatic robot thing. But let me tell you, it's like insane what they have these eggs. I'll say that. I'll just say that. It is insane. And I bought this wand. Well, he bought a wand for another $250. And then that was-- I sent you a screenshot. I don't know if you remember. But the next day, he was like, God was showing me all the evil things I've been doing. I'm like, what? You bought me a sex toy? And he was like-- I remember that. I was like, oh my gosh, what? I was like, what a weirdo. And I was like, you got-- Crisis, you know. Yeah, and I'm like, did the fucking meth get to you? Like, are you OK? Like, I don't-- Right. It's really uncomfortable when people have some sort of crisis like that, and they try to like rope you into it. And I'm like, I have nothing to do with that, honey. Like, you go and handle your little-- whatever's going on with you. Yeah. And that's what I'm like. That, you know, disconnected with everyone. Because sometimes the very least I'll do is listen. But sometimes people go off the deep end. And I'm like, I'm not going to sit around for this. Like, this is a you problem. Yeah, I've definitely-- as I've gotten older, I've learned how to set boundaries. And I've learned how to like be like-- As you should. I learned how to think-- I learned how to think. Because whenever we're young, we accept so much. And we feel, I think, at times, like-- I don't know what your experience was. But because of my mental illness and the fact that I was queer and the fact that I was brown, like I was such a people pleaser as an kid growing up. And so for a long time, I like overextended myself to please others. And I would lash out eventually, you know? Because it felt one-sided all the time. And thank God I have boundaries in place, he says. But for a while in my young adulthood, I was still that way. And it felt super draining. Like, I was just tired all the time. And people treated me like somebody to talk at. You know what I mean? Rather than have a conversation that was back and forth. Like, we're having right now. But usually people would just use me as like a tool to justify or validate themselves, which felt gross. It still feels gross, like, to remember that. How was it for you? I had an experience in college where I sold drugs to support myself. And my friends that I had, I saw them turn into monsters who just used me because I had drugs to sell. Just like fake smiles in my face. I felt like, am I a nice person to be around without these? Because once I stopped doing it, it was like, I didn't exist. And it was just like, OK, people in college are super shallow. But other than that experience, people pleasing, I always felt like I have to please my Navajo side. And then in public, I have to please my Black side. Like, I have to appeal to that in order to feel accepted. That's a difference, you would say. The difference is, when it comes to being in the native community, I'm not native enough. I'm too much of a city person. I can't relate to the struggles of the Native American today. And when it comes to like relating to the Black community, I'm light skin. I think I'm better than everybody because I'm light skin. And I'm not Black enough for certain things. So you actually believe that, or you're saying, that's the experience that you have. That's the experience I had. I don't believe that. It took me a while to get to stand strong and be like, yes, I am both. You don't get to put me in a box. And if you don't like my hair today, then fuck you. I'm not native enough for you because my curly hair is out. It came down to stuff like that. And being light skin, I never called myself that. Because at the end of the day, I'm still the n-word in the eyes of certain people. Yeah, unfortunately, I am knowledgeable about colorism when it comes to Black Americans. We also have a different type of colorism in Mexico where I'm originally from. Of course, it's totally different. But we have obviously a violent history with Spaniards coming over and slaughtering the natives there. And there's still sort of a caste system when it comes to skin color. So for example, a lot of my family is very European and white and blonde even. I look more native because both my parents are look native themselves. But my mom's side of the family, my grandma and her family, we're all very European, totally white looking people. You wouldn't even know they're Mexican. But I can relate to that experience because whenever I was a kid, I was put last in family situations, me and my younger sister were put last. It was always my oldest sister that was getting all the gifts and all the praise and whatnot because she's fair skin. So you feel, I think-- and it's almost like an opposite experience that I had that you had within my own community, of course, because you start to resent that person for having-- being favorable over you. You know what I mean, so I'm sure that's how darker skin people feel in general, which is interesting. I used to not really consider everything as much as I did whenever I came to the US because I think it's much more racism and colorism and all of these race conflict things are very prominent in the US. I don't think they're as prominent anywhere else in the world, to be honest. Now, that's one of the things that make this unique in a bad way. It's that and mass shootings that make us-- who we are, unfortunately, racism is still very alive and well. And when people say, yeah, and people say that racism is over or that it's not as bad, they either never really clocked the T on the racism against them or they are racist themselves. Agreed, yeah. And you know, I think when it comes to race relations and what you can do to be anti-racist, it's a lifelong thing. Like, I could never dare call myself not racist because I know that because of my experience, I was given certain privileges for being lighter than a black person or for not being Asian. Like, everybody has their own kind of like positive stereotype. And that happens a lot with the immigrant community as we are-- it's something that we call being like a model minority. And it's like, you know, these people, whenever your first generation migrant to the US, a lot of people go fully naturalized where they become Republican and they embrace being Americans and everything that comes with that. Yeah. Exactly. So whenever I was a kid, I was more so that. And like, I was trying to be white, basically. For a long time before I realized that I was erasing my own identity, favor of something that was seen as a favorable thing to be, you know what I mean? So it was interesting whenever I came to that realization because I was like, why am I doing this? And that's an interesting thing too with immigrants. And I think I see that in different diasporas within every single race. It's like, we have all of this infining about where somebody came from, whether they're American or not. It's like Americans have issues with everybody, basically. Yeah. I am-- as a native, I feel-- I don't feel the need to prove my Americanism. I feel American because I am American. I am what American is. People like to put the word native in front of it. But we should call, in my opinion, we should call everyone who's not Native American, neo-American. Because to know you're from the land where you're from, my family is from Shiprock, New Mexico. We have our own land to know that we're from there and that we came from there. We didn't migrate from anywhere. This was our land. Our identity is tied towards the land. So all this United States, all this-- borders of the land, Pennsylvania, Oregon, it means nothing to us. Because we know where we come from, and it's here. And you can call us Native Americans. You can call us Indians or whatever. But we have that privilege that I feel like Black people are striving for to know where they're from. We know where we're from. And that's a huge privilege to have. And that's something I-- that's one of my biggest values, and I'm so lucky to have that. Yeah, that's so interesting. I'm happy that you have that as well, because I do see more of a conflict with other friends that I have where they question themselves a lot and don't really have a sense of pride about their identity just because a lot of people just don't know where they're from. They don't really have their roots set out like that. So it's certainly complex. I would say my opinion on stuff like this is I respect how people feel. And that's about as much as you can do. You have respect and have these open conversations, because a lot of people, they can't have them without arguing. Because it doesn't feel insulting to me for you to say that people should be called neo-Americans. I don't even know if I could agree or not on that, because I'm not American myself. I'm Mexican. I'm a Mexican national. And it's interesting to me, because people don't really clock that about me, that I'm an immigrant here, because I don't really have an accident. But I was not born here. I came over and, thankfully, pretty much had the experience of an American, but I knew I was not the whole time. Yeah, that's interesting. It used to be a point of where I felt lesser than. And now it's like the opposite thing. Honestly, no offense, but I'm like, oh my gosh, like-- No, I'm very proud. Yeah, because you have to be proud, right? Of where you're from. I totally get that you would be proud to be a Native American, of course, an American, and just American, and just the word American. Yeah, just American, in general. I'm very proud to be American. Like, that's the original people that were here. So I'm like, if anybody is really American, you-- Yes, so. Thank you. And like, my view on immigration, it's weird to me that the United States wants to keep people out when they're the ones who invaded in the first place. I believe the process to become a US citizen, like the legal process, is way too long. I have a friend named Carla. Well, she's not a friend anymore. But it took her dad 20 years to become a citizen. Wow, yeah. And that's typical. That's typical whether you're from Nigeria, South Korea, wherever you're from, that's pretty typical, that it takes about two decades to become a citizen. And that's why people are coming to the border instead, and like, assimilate, you know what I mean, and like work. It takes 20 fucking years, so. Yeah, and it's so expensive. Like, people don't realize that the average person who is struggling in like dire financial situations and just like violence in other countries, like, they just-- and they don't have thousands of dollars. My family was-- I'm lucky enough that I did come here legally, but it took us like 10 to 11 years, just for a green card. Yeah, and it was like our process here, we had absolutely zero issues. You know, there was like zero conflict in our application, and we have-- half of my family was here, and they asked you that whenever you're applying to be a resident here. So it's like, we all have lists of like 200 family members that live here, and it still took us 10 years, and like, at least 50 grand, you know, for my family of five, and like, at least $10,000 each. But when you consider inflation, it was probably more like 200 to $300,000, because we came here in the '90s. You know, money is not worth anything these days, but back in the day, that was a lot of money. That was like all the money my family had. We came here basically to live in poverty. We lived-- like, it's interesting because in Mexico, we were middle class, and then we came here and suddenly became poor. And I was confused as a kid. Yeah. How was that feeling like going from having things to not having things? It made me angry. I was like a very angry child, because not only that I lose my friends, but I lost a ton of privileges. Like, I came from a town of 4,000 people and moved from that town to Chicago, which is a city that has millions of people. So I was no longer allowed to go outside and be in nature. Wasn't allowed to have people over. Like, they made it sound so dangerous here, and it is. Like, a lot of it is true, but it felt like I got locked up. You know what I mean? Like, I was such a free child. I was six years old, and I was roaming the forest by myself. And that was probably not the safest thing to do looking back on it. But I was able to-- It was a different time in my environment. Yeah, absolutely. Like, I wasn't allowed to do anything. All my mom would do is like send a dog with me, because we had so many animals I lived in a small farm type area. So we had like farm animal, like pigs and chickens, and like five dogs and like 20 cats and stuff like that. So I went from like nature and connecting with plants and wildlife to being locked in an apartment 24/7 besides school. So I was angry, and I was upset. I was very depressed as a kid. I think it affected me a lot, like, for all of my life. How was your early life? I am-- my early life was very hard. I was assaulted when I was six. And it was just counseling. And I got into drugs very early because of dealing with that pain. And like, I was the only child. I was lonely. Like, drugs were like my friend. And like, it's-- like, my mom had a lot of money. And then one night, she came in my room in 2008. And she said, we're losing the house. And I was like, what do you mean? So I went from a rich girl to a poor girl overnight. Like, I wore the same pair of shoes in high school all four years. Like, I had to really take care of my underwear because like, getting another pack of underwear probably wasn't possible. I didn't eat lunch at school because I couldn't afford it. And when I got to college, it was-- because her bankruptcy lasted five years. When I got to college, like, I had no money for books. I had no money for my apartment. I had nothing. That's why I started selling drugs. I sold my Adderall, and I sold my Xanax. And it paid for everything. And I was allowed to study. And then I got caught by the detectives. And they asked me-- they had this whole case, like, ready to go. They asked me if I had a drug problem. And I said, I was 21. And I said, I have a problem. And then they threw out the case. Wow. Did they send you to do, like, drug school or something like that, or impatient? No. But I went to rehab right after it, though. OK. Did that help? How was your experience with rehab? I needed to go. I was passing out on the toilet Elvis style from to my Xanax. I was having seizures without Xanax. I was blocking out all the time. I was being rude to everyone in my family. I was stealing. And, like, I had to go. So they detoxed me because I was on the Xanax, too dependent on it. They gave me adevant my first night. Because that's how bad my detox was. All of my withdrawal symptoms were. And I was speedballing, basically. I was taking, like, 300 milligrams of Adderall and 4 milligrams of Xanax at one time. And would just, like, pop pills throughout the day. And, like, I got out of rehab, and then I relapsed. I got a DUI right before finals week. I did graduate, though. And, you know, now I haven't been smoking weed. It's been a couple weeks. I haven't been doing other drugs. It's time because people are dying, you know? Like, left and right from drugs. And I just, I don't want that to be my legacy. She was a drug addict, and she overdosed. I don't want that for myself. And, like, when Rich Homie Kwan died, like, from drugs, I was like, it doesn't matter who you are. It doesn't matter if you know your drug. I hate when people say, I know my drugs. No, you don't. No, it's impossible. Because you don't know what I'm getting all the time. So, especially nowadays. Yeah, and, like, whoever's making it, the cartels of Chinese, they're getting good at, like, hiding, like, not getting detected for, like, test kits. And they're making things look more real and real. Like, I knew this guy. He was a scumbag. He wanted to buy my Adderall to sell. And I wouldn't sell it to him. But, like, he would sell fake Percocets. And I'm like, you know, I could turn you in, like, to the streets and get you killed. Or I could turn you into the police. Like, this is not cool that you're selling fake Percocets. So we stopped being friends. Yeah, we stopped being friends because I told him my price for my Adderall was $600 if he wanted to buy it. And he got super offended. And, like, he was, like, fuck you, blah, blah. And I'm like, you know what I'm telling you that? Because I know you're going to resell it. So I want my profit, too. Exactly. So, you know, what was you expecting? This count for what? Like, because I get 90 pills a month. And, like, one of the bottles is $60 count. And I was in a cell after $10 a pill. Because, like, I know he knows people that would buy it for $20. So, like, I-- Yeah, for sure. So, yeah. So I don't know what he was doing. I have to do a book book for free. Yeah. I've gotten mine stolen, like, a bunch of times. Like, I don't even tell people that I take Adderall anymore these days because, like, hardly anybody knows. Maybe you should edit this out. [LAUGHS] I don't tell anybody because people, like, will dig for it. Like, whenever they're really that stage of their addiction, or people bother me about it a lot or try to buy it. And, you know, like, I don't have more judgment against selling it because you do what you got to do. But for me, it was irritating to have people, you know, like bothering me about that all the time. I was like, no. Like, I need it. Yeah, I need it. Like, I actually need it. Like, I don't really feel this high you guys speak of. And I-- [INTERPOSING VOICES] Exactly. I've been taking it since I was a child. So I'm like, at this point, it's basically-- like, I do have probably a physical addiction to it. But it's not like that. You know what I mean? Like, it's not where I feel it's out of the ordinary for me. Yeah. Yeah, no, like, yeah, like, I am responsible with it. I don't abuse it. And I take it as prescribed in less than, actually. Because I don't take it all the time. If I know I'm not going to be doing anything that day, I just chill. But yeah, no, I've seen people have an extreme problem with this. And it's-- it was wild to see, you know, these pop-up companies that did virtual doctor's appointments give it to basically everyone on TikTok during the pandemic. And they were shortages everywhere. There's so many-- [INTERPOSING VOICES] Me too. Because I'm like, this is what I've been on for years. And there's all these new people, like, shortening the supply. That was awful. This was between the Vivans during the meantime. And I was-- and I took the Vivans. It didn't work. I was like, are you kidding me? This shit doesn't work? I felt nothing. I was like, oh my god. I took Vivans also for a month, and it did nothing for me. I think it really just depends on your body, because I tried, I think, like, five different drugs before I landed on Adderall, because it just didn't do anything. Like, nothing else did anything until I was put on that. And I'm like, wait. OK, I can have a single thought. Who knew? Like, not this clashing, you know, multiverse in my brain at all times, like, wow, that's incredible. But yeah, it is. Yeah, that's ADHD for you. But I was going to ask you, I have literally zero experience with what percocet-- how do you say that percocet? Is that? I have zero experience with that, but I've heard of people being addicted. What is that? What kind of drug is it? What does it do for people? It's supposed to be a painkiller, an opioid. But what people do is they party with it. It's like an aphrodisiac. And they have sex. Lots of sex. Wow. I never heard that before. It makes you freaky. Got it. Oh, my gosh. These days-- It's like this thing with meth. It's like, people use-- yeah, it's the same with meth. It's like when people use meth to party, because they can fuck all night or whatever the fuck. Yeah. Unfortunately, I have met a lot of people that do a ton of meth. I've never done it. And I wouldn't start today. No, it's not better than your house. I mostly was somebody that was like, I'm not going to do any drug that's going to make me physically uglier. Right. And which I'm glad I had some sort of excuse to not try that or crack or anything intravenous or anything like that. Yeah, I've never fucked with my veins. I don't fuck with opiates because I don't like the withdrawals. I was in rehab. I watched this guy shit. I don't fuck with opiates at all. Oh, my gosh. I've had at least seven friends overdose and opiates. So it's something that I'm very early on since I was a kid, something that just seemed extreme to me. You know, I have no moral judgment on people who are addicted. I think we should decriminalize all drugs, to be honest. And what do they call it? Like the type of recovery where you like take less and less. You win yourself off of it, or you take very self. I think they do something like that in Canada nowadays. But it's just super harmful. And I don't think most people understand that for a ton of drugs, if you stop cold turkey, you could die. Yeah, people don't get that. That's why, you know, a lot of people that try to prevent people from getting their drug of choice or drinking sometimes is like putting them in danger. And I don't think most people understand that. Yeah. I am quite addicted to cigarettes. So I'll say that it's my one. Oh, my God, I bummed the cigarette last night because, well, this guy came over and we hooked up. And then immediately after we hooked up, he starts talking about God. And I love God. But he starts talking about his ayahuasca trip and like how he saw his grandma. And I'm like, I didn't sign up for this. That's interesting. But you weren't ready for that at that point. No, we were naked. And he's telling me about his like meetings with God. And I was just like, oh. And then I'm like, your parking meter is done. You should go. And then he was like, I want to fuck, though. Can we do quickie? And I'm like, don't get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. You wasted two hours talking about ayahuasca and God. Like. And then so I blocked him. And then he emailed me. He's like, did you block me? And I was like, they emailed. Oh my gosh. He really wanted some kind of response from you. I've never had somebody email me. Yeah. I had someone cash at me saying that I ruined their life and to go fuck myself. My gosh. To go to that length is crazy. Isn't that really insane? It's crazy. Literally. So I haven't had that experience. Like the opposite of vanilla. Like I've been told that I'd be a good dominatrix. Like I've been offered money. I've been given money after sex. And I'm just like, OK. All right. I think you would make a great dominatrix as well, because you have this commanding nature about you and your confidence in the way that you speak. So I really appreciate that. And I'm happy for you. Makes me feel also happy that you're able to be comfortable speaking to me like you do. Because a lot of girls are shy about stuff. And you're not shy at all. And I appreciate that. But it's also one of those things where people will criticize you for the way that you are. I'm very aware of that. I'm very aware. I'm not mean for everybody. Yeah, I wrote the wrong way sometimes. And if it really affects the-- I know when to apologize. But at the same time, I made a podcast. And when I made a podcast, I made a decision. I'm like, whatever you say, you stand on that shit. Don't be taking back your words because you get threatened of one person not liking you or whatever. I had this girl reach out saying she didn't like what I had to say. And then I lost a listener. And good luck. And I'm like, all right, bye. I'm good. I'm glad you're at that stage now. And I think I more recently came to terms with that as well. Because whenever I gained a following, I never really set out to gain a following online. And I still don't think that I'm anything special like that. Of course, I think I'm great. But you know what I mean? It's not my goal really to be an influencer. Of sorts. But it just came to be that way for me. Because I guess I had interesting things to say. But for some time, I did start feeling a little bit too caring about who was following me or whether or not people would agree with me and stuff like that. And eventually, you just got to stop caring. Because you're going to get people mad at you no matter what is what I've learned. Like whether you say the right thing or the wrong thing or you say things just to a piece, a crowd, somebody's going to be mad regardless. So you might as well be true to yourself is what I feel now. Exactly. And that ties into every aspect of your life. Like at work, online, with your interpersonal relationship. Yeah. When any of your tweets hit a million impressions, how does that make you feel? Because I've seen it sometime. You know, these days, not much. It was exciting the first few times. Because I was like, oh, wow. And I really felt that I manifested it because I always wanted to have a viral moment. And the first time that I went viral was, I think, in 2020 on my birthday of all days. Because that morning I woke up and I'm like, today I'm going to go viral. I don't know for what yet. But one of my tweets is really going to hit the nerve with people. And I really visualized it in my head all morning. And then I went to take a nap. And I woke up and my phone was just going off ringing. And it was nonstop notifications. And I had gone viral for a random animal crossing meme. And it felt amazing. It literally felt like a drug high. I was like, is that awesome? Like, I felt so famous. And it's like, once you get that a few times, so you realize how short of attention span people have. Because it doesn't really go anyway for the most part. I think maybe now people are taking a little bit more advantage of their 15 minutes. Like the hot to a girl, like having a whole show come out of that situation. And the demiore, the TikTok lady, the very cutesy, very demiore, I think she trademarked that or copyrighted it. And I'm like, whoa, I didn't have these opportunities whenever I was going viral for things. And maybe I'm just bad at capitalizing off of things that I say. But yeah, I know people are very good at capitalizing on it. But I just don't really see myself as a capitalist. Or like, I don't see situations as a possible exploitation for money. You know what I mean? Yeah. And that's something I've never seen that that way, too. We're very-- Maybe that's a very non-American thing about me. I'm like, I don't know. What do I sell? Do I really believe in this? I don't know. Because people tell me I should sell things all the time. And I'm like, what am I supposed to sell? Like, what? Buy a doxy keychain, socks. I would buy your face on a keychain. That makes me so happy to hear it. Thank you. That's better. And you should do a book of your tweets. I would buy that. Pick like your top 100 tweets. There's like a-- Me and me. In the analytics on Twitter, I don't know if you're subscribed to get that. But it tells you the top tweets that got the most engagement likes. You can pick the first 100. And just publish a book like at Walgreens or something. Or kinkos. Do 10 of them. Sell them for like, I don't know, $25, $35. I'd buy one. Just to be like, huh. That's not a bad idea. Maybe I did. No, I didn't mention it. I know people who have done that and they have done really well. But yeah, if I did like a very, very limited print, I wouldn't be opposed to that because I think it's part of my legacy now, I guess, to have these funny moments. Live online forever because I delete my tweets. But my screenshots are everywhere. If you Google my name or especially on Reddit, they love me for some reason. I don't even use Reddit. But I googled myself once. And all my screenshots of my tweets are there. And I'm like, that's so interesting. Also on Pinterest and a lot of Instagram pages repost me because people flag it to me all the time. And they're like, oh my god, you're famous. Because these huge pages with millions of followers will post my stuff. And I wish I was making some kind of money from it. But I'm like, oh, thanks. It took me half a second to think and post that because I'm no filter sometimes. But yeah, it does feel great. It feels like a little taste of a fame, I guess, not that I want that because I don't. When I was little, it feels good. I wanted to be famous so bad. This is before the internet viral craze. I wanted to be like star. But now that all these things are coming out about kids were raped, on set, or-- Oh my gosh, yeah. They're on set, Amanda Bynes, I'm glad I never got into that. Because my mom put me in modeling. She put me in acting. She put me in piano. Since I was like four or five. And she wanted to mold me into a kid that could go on auditions and get roles or whatever. But I'm glad that didn't happen. Because I said stupid shit on Twitter when I was 13. Same, yeah. Our experience, we got lucky because we have no history of our childhoods online. Because kids these days get online and say these things. And there's real world consequences nowadays. Did you know that background checks now include your social media? Yeah. And that's scary. Because I'm like, what if they pull up something random I said? Because I always say very out there things sometimes as a shock factor thing. Oh, why? So I, like the other day, I was like, we should start executing the kid to do the school shootings. As a joke, but halfway being serious, but a future employer saw that, they'd be like, oh, no. And then they're going to find my podcast. Either be impressed or like, they're not. Yeah, it's it's a little scary. It feels like this world. There was really no privacy left. And I really value my privacy. Like, I want to make music, but I would never want to like go famous overnight, kind of like Chapel Rhone, you know, like with her whole experience and how much people dance her attitude. Well, I love her. I think, you know, it's like somebody said on Twitter to me. He's got great talent. I love that she's from here, you know, and she's very pretty. And she's from Phoenix. No, she's from from the Midwest somewhere. Oh, OK. And I believe her name is Caitlin. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, but like, just like be happy to be where you're at. Don't be frustrated that it took this long for you to get recognized. Just be happy. Be appreciative because there are millions of people who would switch your destiny in a heartbeat that would do spells, you know, that would do that would pray, you know, practice and like, here you are and you're yelling on paparazzi, you're on Rolling Stone complaining. It's like, shut up. I really get that perspective on it, but I agree with her because I think it's one thing to look at it from as an outsider. But to be that I bet is really stressful for her because she has, I don't know if you read into the stalkers that she has, like she's had some really serious situations. And that's scary. I have the ready to laugh. I read some of that. Stalker, that was pretty scary. Like, follow her around. And I'm like, yeah, maybe if I had like a weird old stalker, I would start saying stuff like that, too. Yeah. Do you remember that singer Kristina Grimmie or Gimmie? She was shocked by her degree. So I think about that. So she's very valid in feeling the way she does. Selena, too. Selena was good about her fan club's precedent. You know what I mean? So it's like these parasocial relationships, really. Like, I think she has a point with that. Because artists, they're giving us their art. But like, are we owed their, like, anything else from them? You know what I mean? Who says what they want to give us? I don't think so. Like, it's my opinion that we don't. Like, they don't know anything. For what reason, you know what I mean? Like, I don't expect her to be any kind of way. Because I enjoy her music. And I think a lot of people just are unaware of just how horrifying it actually is to be a famous person, not that I've experienced it. But I've seen it with friends and people, a lot of times, go into hiding or just, like, completely erase, like themselves from the online world because it's so intense. Because there's a lot of weirdos out there. Yeah, my favorite singer from him, Bill of Aloe, like, he doesn't have social media. And I believe that's on purpose because his fans are, like, crazy teenagers. Like, doing edits of his, like, interviews from 20 years ago, like, saying, "Oh, I'd fuck 'em. I'd fuck 'em so bad." And you're, like, 14. Like, I'm glad he doesn't have social media. Because, like, I can't imagine how, like, just how difficult it is to keep those boundaries. And you still want to be looked at as a likable person. But, you know, you can't tell your friend back off or your fans, like, back to back off. I had an experience with someone, a fan of the podcast. He was from North or South Carolina. Started off with him reaching out Instagram, you know, saying, like, "You helped me quit Adderall. Like, I really appreciate you." Like, thank you for the podcast. And I messaged him back because he mostly really heartfelt and, like, you know, like, who am I not to respond? So, like, I was like, "Thank you for listening." You know, I kept it very cordial. And, like, I didn't leave any, like, open-endedness for, like, a continued conversation. And then it started to have messages, like, every day. Like, "How are you?" Good morning. Like, every single day, throughout the day. And then, like, it got so bad that, like, he, I had the block home. And he found my phone number. - Did he find my phone number? - Oh, my gosh. I don't know, he found my phone number. He was like, "Hey, I think something's wrong "with your Instagram, I can't message you." And then he emailed my business email saying, "Something's wrong with your Instagram, I can't message you." And I'm like, "Boy, you've been blocked." Like, it was just scary. So, like, I learned now, like, not-- - You're kind of like, chaperone in that regard, because-- - Yeah. - Like, you, you sort of align with her. Not sort of, you do align with her when it comes to certain people having, like, kind of, no boundaries when it comes to speaking with you. 'Cause it's, I've had the same experience with some people that just maybe lack the ability to, you know, read a room. - Yeah, they don't have self-awareness. - They don't have any self-awareness, and they think that you are somebody that should be available to them 24/7, or whenever they deem fit. And it's like, I, you know, I post a lot online, but I'm not this person you can just talk at, all the time. You know, like, I'll make some space for a few people. These days, like, throughout the day, mostly in public replies, but, like, in DMs, I almost never even opened my DMs, because I used to try to respond to everybody, and it got too overwhelming. I was like, why do I do this? Like, what, ultimately, overextending my patients, my, you know, my mood, because I used to get so irritable, 'cause I was talking to upwards of like 50 to 100 people a day, and I'm like, this is just not doable and not normal. Like, I don't even, like, I have no duty to do this. But I told you I used to be a people pleaser, so I felt a responsibility to, like, listen to everybody, 'cause for some reason, I don't know what it is about me, but people online, they drop like these bombs in my DMs, like, first DM, and it's like, I'm having a fight with my girlfriend, and like, she stabbed me the other day, and I'm like, what? Like, you can't just say that to people. You know what I mean? They'll drop these incredibly traumatizing situations on me, and I'm like, I don't know you, or ma'am, like, I don't know you, I don't know what people expect me to say, I'm not a therapist, you know what I mean? Right. It's like, it's, I don't know, I don't know why, you know, people like us, like you and I and others like us, that are just speaking honestly about our specific perspectives online. Like, I don't know why people see us as, like, an open opportunity to just dump on. You know what I mean? Like, we'll give people that. That, right, it's almost like they don't see us as a person, they see us as like a, there you go. I like a entity, like a, like a business, like a person or something, like. Some sort of service for them or something. That's the same thing Chapel Room said. It's like the people, once people start to objectify you as an entertainer, somebody that's there to, just give them content, they stop seeing, like, the human you. It's like, I have feelings, I eat three times a day, you know, I have responsibilities throughout the day. And sometimes people get mad at me because I don't, I'm not available for them. Like, people message me at like 4 a.m. and be upset that I didn't reply. I was like, I mean, I've been like, I was sleeping. I'm a normal person. Like, you don't reply, I'm like, yeah, I'll show you a lot. I don't read most of them these days. I missed a lot of them, because it's overwhelming, because people try to start conversations with me all day. Then see, now it sounds like I'm complaining, right? Like, I love it because at any one point I could speak to somebody. Like, literally 24/7, I have somebody to reach out to. Which, that's why I never feel lonely. You see, from like, the beginning of this conversation, like, I never feel lonely, because there's people for me there all the time. But at the same time, I can't be there for every single, one of those people. It's like, I couldn't maintain a thousand relationships a week. Like, that's insane. That would drive me crazy. Oh, drive anyone crazy. Right, it's just not physically possible. I think they've done a psychological study on how, realistically, how many people you could do, you could know, like, seriously get to know in your lifetime. And I think they said it's like 100. And that's like the very maximum. Because most people don't really go past like 15 to 20, I think it said. So I'm like, yeah, that seems about right. Right, like, imagine you had to maintain these back and forth, very serious relationships with 100 people. Like, that just doesn't seem realistic. I only have 100 contacts on my phone. I have a lot, just because I talk to a lot of people. So my phone has never dried, but it's not even something that's like I'm proud of. I'm like, I wish it wasn't. I mean, I wish people leave me alone. I have my phone on Do Not Disturb 24/7. Because-- They're why, like, I talk to me. Once I started, like, engaging more on Instagram and Twitter, I'm like, I'm going to shut this off. Because my ringtone is Ghost Face from Scream. He goes, hello, Sydney. And I'm like, oh my god, I hear hello, Sydney, like, a lot for tweets, for DMs, for everything. It's like, ah. My gosh, you probably get sorry. Yeah, it does. Just to wrap this up, Goxie, what has your experience been with dating? I know that you don't want to maybe never have a relationship again, but like in Chicago, how is dating? I would say it's OK. I've had mostly positive experiences. Yeah, I can't say that I've had many out there experiences. Like I said, I'm a very vanilla person. And my relationships have been very vanilla and kind of ended. Like, sometimes not so great, but not for some crazy reason. You know, just incompatibility. And like, I've never had a problem getting a partner of any genders. I don't have insecurity when it comes to that. I feel like at any point, I could start dating somebody if I wanted to. So yeah, that's been my experience. Pretty boring, huh? What's your-- what would you say the biggest difference is being with a woman and being with a man-- not necessarily sexually, but what would you say are the differences since you're bisexual? I would say that I definitely prefer women. I'm like very side toward women because there's much more emotional maturity there than men have. Like men, I feel like lash out a lot and display it in very weird ways or sometimes very scary, violent ways. And women are a lot better at putting it into words and talking to you about what's wrong and what's going on. Because I've dated probably an equal amount of both and dated like three different guys that would start hitting themselves whenever they were upset. And I was like, oh, OK. And you know, I didn't know how to react to that. I've never had a woman do that. I know women do that too. But for the most part, I never felt in danger, like literally with some of my ex-male, like ex-boyfriends. There were times where I was scared for my life. And I have never felt that with a woman. I think for some reason, men have violent tendencies. Yeah. Thank you. And especially if the relationship is ending, they might take someone out and then themselves. Yeah. And so I think that's the main difference is like, I've just had a lot more empathetic. Like women are bigger into dealing and expressing your emotions in a healthier way. It's not healthy all the time, of course, like anybody, because we still have, you know, highs and lows. But I've had men do very, very crazy things to me. And women haven't. They simply haven't. So I'm like, thank you, women, for like, you know, not being crazy. And there are some crazy ones out there. But thankfully, I haven't had that experience. It hurts you crazy. No, yeah. Like I've had-- we'll get into this at a different point. But I had a really abusive ex-boyfriend that was very manipulative. And he assaulted me physically. Oh, God. And I think that was a very, like, experience-- an experience that has affected every single one of my relationships thereafter. Because I, like, whenever conflict arises, like, I have that trauma response. Because he used to hit me, like-- My God, I'm sorry. That's OK. I was 19 at the time. I think that's like a running joke, is that we all dated the worst person possible at 19. But, yeah, he was truly vile and an evil person. It's like you-- it's somebody that you give your trust to love you. And they betray that trust by hurting you in such a direct way. And it's like that really shapes the way that you express yourself and how much-- how close you let yourself be to others. And a man did that to me. A woman has never done that. So you know what I mean? Yeah. I am, in my experience, women can be very sneaky. So trusting as a hard thing. I did get cheated on by, like, three women, so-- Yeah. That's the worst thing. That's about the worst thing they did. But, yeah. They're very sneaky. And they're very, like, one time I was at a party. And this girl wanted to be in my arm candy. And she was cute, so I let her. And I didn't know her. But at the end of the night, she dished me for some guy. And I'm just like, OK. Weirdo. Like, they seem to be very wishy, obviously, in my experience. And a lot of girls are shy. Like, I was on this app, like, trying to look for a girl. And she's like, I need to verify you. I need to video chat you. And I'm like, you're doing too much. Bye. [LAUGHS] Dude, there is a stereotype of lesbians being like you, all lesbians, where they meet. And they, like, want to move in together right away. [INAUDIBLE] And it's like, oh, my gosh. Yeah, no. Like, not yet. Like, let's please take it slow. But, OK, before we end things, I do want to plug something. I do have a show. I have a show in New York coming up with my, one of my closest friends and producer, their name. They're non-binary, and their name is Joey Hartthrob. Well, their real name is Nix. But their artist name is Joey Hartthrob. And we're going to have a show in Brooklyn, New York. And on October 18th, it's their album release party. It's called Hpop. And I am featured on that album. I don't think the tracks are finalized yet. But I think I'm on three or four of them. I help write it. So I'm really proud of that. And I'm going to be there for, like, two weeks in October. So if anybody wants to hang out, hit me up. All right. And then plug your Twitter, where people can find you. Yes, my Twitter is @doxie_gay. That's really the only place I'm active. If you want to add me on Facebook, it's @doxiecemoan on Facebook. And I have, like, the same profile picture and stuff as Twitter, so you'll be able to see. But that's where most of my followings are. Well, Doxy, thank you for coming on the Man at Candice Podcast. It's been a pleasure speaking with you. Thank you for having me. I had a great time. Yeah, awesome. All right, well, take care. Take care, have a great day. It was nice talking to you. Nice talking to you. Bye-bye. OK, bye-bye. [MUSIC PLAYING] [BEEPING] [BEEPING] [BEEPING]