Unpurifi3d: The Ramblings of a Black Queer Christian
I'm Still Standing!
I talk about how I'm still alive even after what that prophet said. Glory hallelujah!
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- Duration:
- 51m
- Broadcast on:
- 23 Sep 2024
- Audio Format:
- aac
Hello, my name is Jaima and you're listening to Unpurified the Ramblings of a Black Queer Christian. For today's episode of the podcast, I just wanted to give you guys another update. It is still the same day. It is now 7pm, 746pm. I released the episode, no one has listened to it yet, but I released the episode on Spotify, the first one about how I got triggered and if you don't know the context, I saw a prophet on TikTok who said that essentially God will kill anybody who comes again soon. And I had issue with what he said and I felt scared and I feel scared, but I didn't let that stop me from speaking. But it's making me realize something, one is making me realize that I still have a negative perception of God because I'm like he had said earlier in his broadcast that God doesn't love everybody and I was able to wipe that off my literally brushed that off and be like that's not true and I don't believe that. But him saying that God was going to kill anybody who crossed him, it scared me and I believed it because I still have a negative perception of God that I need to get rid of and it's caused me to live in fear and I'm trying to get rid of that fear and I'm trying to see God as who he is and that's the thing. When I talked to Jesus today, I was talking to Jesus today, he sent me a song that was talking about getting rid of bondage and he sent me songs telling me everything's going to be alright and that's what he has been telling me for the past like a couple of months. Everything's going to be alright. He keeps telling me that everything is going to be alright, everything is going to be alright. So I'm like I know that I need to trust God when it comes to this but it's like I get so anxious and my voices talk so loud and it's so hard for me to like it's so hard for me to trust in God because I keep getting signals and messages that I'm like what I'm hearing isn't God and like I can't trust what I'm hearing and I can't trust what I'm going through because you don't know if that's God, you don't know if that's God so I can't trust what I'm going through because it might not be God. But what God tells me brings me peace and what's not from God brings me anxiety. It makes me anxious and I feel like I'm so like locked in to like the emotional response to theology so I'm just like I don't know but like I said is 7 p.m. Fred I don't know the lyrics I don't listen to that music maybe not trying to be an elitist I just don't listen to Glorilla I don't listen to that secular music as a blade I haven't really been listening to secular music to be honest it just hasn't been hit for me like gospel music has been and I just been listening to gospel music because I just like it more lately it's not really anything of like I'm better than you or anything but I've been listening to Chris Chris I don't know if you guys know who that is but he's like a Christian like content creator and he makes a whole bunch of like Christian songs and his song about like Samson has been stuck in my head he has another song called God Got Me like this has been stuck in my head and I added it to my playlist my gospel playlist but he know how to make him a good little bot a little bot a little baby a little bitty bot so I've been listening to him but I am just like every little thing gonna be alright. The enemy keeps trying to tell me that something's gonna happen to me. He's like something's gonna, something's gonna happen to you. Something's gonna happen to you, something bad is gonna happen to you. Something bad is gonna happen to you. That's what he keeps telling me. And I'm like I don't know how to explain the way that I feel because I feel like when I'm in these moments I feel like I could separate my brain from my soul and it's like I feel two distinct different things going on at the same time. And I hear the enemy speaking and I feel the fear and I'll feel the fear and I'll experience the fear and it can be overwhelming at times. But then it's like something within me is like pulling me away from my body and then it's like allowing me to see things from God's perspective. And then it's like I'll have like these random moments of clarity and peace and it'll be like no everything's gonna be okay and God doesn't like that and God doesn't move like that and God doesn't act like that. And I know God and he doesn't act like that. Because I'm like Jesus wanted tell us to turn our cheek and for us literally he literally said like if somebody steals your coat give them your shirt too. And I'm like he didn't already he didn't stole from me. So you want me to give him something after he didn't stole from me? After he didn't stole from me? You want me to give him something? Just give him your shirt too. Might as well, you know what I feel like this is Jesus. This is who Jesus is. This is what Jesus teaches about loving your enemies, praying for those who persecute you, blessing those who persecute you. And I'm like God is full of mercy and grace. He is full of mercy and grace. And I feel like he would never do that. And I know he has his experiences but I'm like they could possibly just have been unfortunate coincidences. And I'm like I don't know it's just like um like I said I never want to validate anybody's experiences. If you want to know what he talked about then listen to the first video that I made. I mean the first podcast episode that I made. If you want to go in depth but um it's just God doesn't just attack and kill people who insult people. And I didn't insult him but even if I were to insult him I don't think God would just be like okay let's kill him like what? And it's like why would you even want that? Why would you even want that? And that's the thing like listening to him talk about those things made me realize that I never want to be like that. Ever I never want to be like that. No matter what someone has done to me I don't want God to like kill them because we all have done the wrong. We have all done terrible things and I've had some terrible horrible horrendous things done to me and there's one person in particular that I'm thinking about right now and even for that person I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I would not want someone to die because of what they've done to me. If anything I would just want God to change their heart. I would want God to speak to them. To change their heart to change their mind or at the very least just get them away from me. But for them to just perish off the earth it's like why? Why? We don't need all of that. You don't have to do all of that. Like you know what I'm saying like you ain't got to do all of that and that's the thing. When I was with Jesus and I was like hearing I was getting a whole lot of false prophecy around that time and that was around the time where I was getting hurt by someone and they had told me that God was going to kill this person right and I thought it was God telling me this that God was telling me that he was going to kill this person and I was like wow wow and I felt like in the moment I felt loved but I remember that after I had my psychotic episode and everything was like calming down and I was trying to figure out what was from God and what wasn't from God. Seeing that that that person didn't die was such a relief to me it was one of my biggest reliefs that that was a false prophecy and I was like this person hurt me and they hurt me bad but I wouldn't want them to die and I had to realize that over time I was like I wouldn't want them to die and I wouldn't want I wouldn't want that and I felt like God was protecting me in that situation and like by keeping him alive and by yeah by keeping him alive it helped me and I realized I didn't want that and I wasn't that person and I wasn't going to be that person and I don't want to be that person I don't want to be that person I don't want to delight in the death of others because they've wronged me I don't want to delight in that but I'm just I think I've made the decision to stop looking at that guy because I'm like I realized I was scared of him anyways and I feel like that's what's making this worse it's because I kind of already had a fear of him and I just looked at his stuff because I thought he was enlightened excuse me but I'm just like I'm going to stop looking at his stuff because there's like there are people on TikTok that I really like because there's like another prophet which reminds me of this right there's another prophet that I would see on TikTok all the time and he's a man and his his watch list like he's so suspicious to me because all the people that watch his lives are women like that's all you see in the chat like all you see his like he's a man and his whole congregation is women and he's always like kind of like bashing the congregation and saying like certain things that like the congregation is doing bad things and like and I'm like why are you always on this like he is always on that every time I see him because it's like he'll come up on the lives when you're when you're scrolling through because I followed him because I thought because I thought he was a true prophet and that's the thing like I don't know how to like it's hard for me to like it's hard for me to get rid of people that I think are actually prophetic but it's like all of his audiences women and I'm like they're always young women like young pretty girls young pretty women and I'm like why is your whole fan base this that's so suspicious to me and he always got something negative to say and he'll and he boasts about himself and he'll be like I can prophesy to anybody that's what he says anybody walking down the street I can prophesy to anybody I can prophesy to anybody I'm like I don't know because he boasts in his gift all the time and I've always found that suspicious yeah he'll just say that in his lives he'll be like I can I can prophesy to anybody and then he don't be prophesying I'm like if you talk about you can do the work of the Lord then do it like you know what I'm saying if you go do it then do it did he be in his lives just preaching and I'm like you're a prophet when are you gonna prophesy but that's the thing every time I see him he's like because your women are lustful the women are lustful he is so suspicious to me and that's the thing when I was having like religious delusions I had like a huge religious delusion like when I was on I had a bunch of delusions and I was on TikTok and I was going through TikTok and I was like hearing voices and I was thinking that it was from God and like I had a huge delusion about him and I heard a whole bunch of stuff about him that probably isn't true but my voices were like not trusting him at all and that's the thing there were other people that I saw on there on TikTok and my voices trusted them and they were saying good things about these these people I would see certain people and they'd be like yes this is a true prophet of God this they're doing the work of the Lord but with him he is so suspicious to me and maybe it's just my own self and then like the voices come up with these things because they can feel it in my own spirit that I'm not vibing with him but it's just like I don't know like I don't know what what to say with that but I feel like I need to stay off TikTok I need to stay off TikTok because it's like I keep trying I keep trying to find someone to sit under and I keep asking God to find community to find someone to sit under because I'm like I don't want to go through what I went through again and now I had all these religious things going on but now that I've taken my meds I feel like I've calmed down and I know the reality from falsehood so I don't know I feel like I do trust myself I do trust myself but I also like get fearful every time because I don't have like a backing and I feel loose I feel loose spiritually I literally feel loose even though I know that God got me and God is watching over me and he's talking to me but I feel like I guess it's like I feel I feel alone if I don't have confirmation if I don't have confirmation I feel like I'm talking to demons even if even if what they're saying are are good things even if what because Jesus is so chill with me Jesus is very chill with me he's very calm he's very relaxed especially when I'm anxious he gets in this like mode where he just is like it's okay calm down it's all right everything's gonna be all right and he's like he's just chill like I don't know how to explain it and it's like a it's like a tactical kind of chill because it's like it's like a purposeful chill where he's like telling me that I can be I can rest and I can be okay and he'll like kind of purposely be purposely be relaxed so that he's like telling me to relax through himself through his own body language and I'm just like because I get scared and I get scared all the time I get afraid that I'm doing the wrong thing and I'm walking in the wrong way and I'm doing the wrong things but I know that the Lord has got me he has my back and he's protecting me and shielding me from danger and that's the thing because when he talked to me he spoke to me today and was like reminding me of Psalms 91 where it was like a thousand may fall around you ten thousand all around you but you will not be harmed and I'm like I feel like he's talking to me but I guess I feel like I don't know how to explain it I get I feel very it's like hard for me to accept scripture in my personal life because I feel like it's too broad and it's speaking to too many people so like even if God gives me a scripture and he's like I'm telling you this through this scripture this is what I'm telling you this is what I'm promising you and the thing is the only thing that I feel like I have accepted through scripture is the fact that I'm a prophet and that I'm a prophet to the nations and I feel like I've accepted that because I can visually see that I like I have physical evidence that I'm a prophet from throughout my life and my ministry and my website literally are the physical evidence of the fact that I am a prophet to the nations because I can see from my website and from my podcast all the nations that I impact through my website and my podcast so I feel like I see that and I'm like yes this applies to me this is me this is me but then it's like I see all the other things and he'll give me a promise through the Bible and it's like it's hard for me to accept it because I'm just like well this could be talking to the whole church you know what I mean like I don't know if it's if it's not if I can't see it then it's hard for me to accept it and I know it's like blessed to see who can release without seeing right that's what he tells me but it's like I feel like I need more physical evidence here lately because so many people would call me crazy and I feel like God's calling me to like walk on blind faith but I'm scared to do that because again people have called me crazy people call me crazy and I'm like I'm sick of being crazy I'm sick of feeling crazy even though I'm not crazy and I keep telling myself that I'm not crazy even though I haven't done my affirmations today I need to do them but I'm just like it's just it's so like it's hard to it's hard to believe nowadays it's hard for me to believe nowadays but it's like I simultaneously believe everything at the same time like like I said because it's like I see myself in two different ways and it's like my flesh doesn't believe but my spirit believes in my spirit believes God but my flesh doesn't and it's like my flesh is hearing all the voices and and feeling all the doubt but my spirit believes God my spirit believes God and it believes God in everything because my spirit believes that I'm his bride I'm his wife and he would never cheat on me and that's the thing too even when I was with Jesus I remember looking through my journals and I was like I feel like you're cheating on me and I felt it in my spirit and it was like no he was like no no no I would never essentially he was like essentially like I would never do that I would never do that and so it was just like I felt it in my spirit but I was still mad and I still wrote it out and I even wrote it I was like I feel it in my spirit but I still feel this way and I'm like I feel like my spirit knows the truth my spirit knows the truth but it's like I'm surrounded by people who don't know the truth and who don't want to support me so it's hard it's hard for me it is hard for me to keep moving on and trekking on and I'm trying my hardest I'm trying my hardest because it's like I even still feel like I feel the fear but I'm glad that I posted the podcast episode because I remember being scared about doing it today and I was like I'm gonna post it because I'm gonna face my fears I'm gonna post it God has a plan for my life and I have tried to kill myself and he told me not to kill myself and there has been times when I almost died in a car accident and the Lord saved me the Lord saved me and this is and this was when I wasn't even close to the Lord so I was driving and I was driving 45 miles an hour and my breaks went out and if I didn't turn into this like section then I would have died and I turned into this this strip mall and I realized that my I wasn't breaking and I couldn't break and I was like and I literally saw my life flash before my eyes and I thought that was fake but I literally saw my life flash before my eyes help me Lord I saw my life flash before my eyes and I kept kicking the the brake pedal and I kept pushing it and I was like and I was relatively calm and that's the thing like I wanted to scream and I think I did scream at one point but I was relatively calm the whole time and I'm like you think in those moments that you're gonna be like afraid but I literally accepted death like I accepted death so quickly and I was like okay I'm gonna die this is it and so like but I kept hitting the break and I kept hitting the break I kept pushing the break and I was like I kept kicking it and kicking it and kicking it and kicking it and I was finally able to come to a stop and I pulled into one of the spaces in the strip mall and I called my dad and he came to pick me up and then my family got the car fixed they got the car fixed in two days I was too scared to drive it and then they were yelling at me and like they weren't they did not care about that aroma at all my parents were terrible they did not care about the fact that I almost died in a car accident they did not care and they were mad that they spent money on the car and that I wasn't going to drive it anymore so I gave the car to my little brother and he drove that car until it wore out because I was too scared to step foot in that car again and honestly it's a blessing that I even drive at all considering what happened to me I knew that that day was like because it was literally like I knew that that was supposed to kill me because it was like a week or so later a week or so later I literally felt the spirit of death on me like near me and it was like a week or so later and I wasn't even close to God but the way I prayed I did not want to talk to Jesus but I felt that spirit and I was like Jesus, Lord Jesus oh God I come to you today humbly have mercy on me and so I was just like I felt like it was um it was God telling me that like he protected me from something that like could have seriously happened to me and that's what that was their plan but he saved me so um and that's the thing I stood and turned back to God after that I wasn't okay I don't know how to describe how I was when I left the faith because I still listen to God he told he was telling me a whole bunch of different things he told me to graduate as fast as I possibly could which I did and this is like he told me to graduate and literally like when I graduated the time I was graduating there was a cyber attack that happened to my college and covid hit at the same time and I was like God really spoke to me like I legit was like this is wild God really spoke to me and he told me like a year in advance he was like graduate as fast as you can and that's the thing because I was like he didn't say it I just felt a quickening in my spirit and I was like usually I don't care about things of that nature because I like to take my time and I like to be slow with things and I was like I don't really care about graduating on time because I was like I can take because I if I were to if I didn't take the summer semester I would have taken the next spring semester and just graduated in in the spring but I felt God was like I felt a quickening in my spirit like graduate early like graduate as fast as you can and I was like okay I didn't I didn't know if I didn't know if I didn't know if I didn't know if it was God but I decided to to do it and then I was working at one of my jobs and I can't remember when this happened but it had to have been I don't know I can't remember when this happened I can't really remember my life but I was working at one of my jobs I was working in retail and my job was starting to get abusive because they were nice to me at first and they were treating me well and that's why I stayed for so long and then they started treating me bad the managers started treating me bad they we got a new manager and he was being really mean to me and and then one of my the people because I was a supervisor I got promoted to be from a regular cashier to be a supervisor and then once I was a supervisor one of my cashiers who I had who I was a lead over was getting paid more money than me and I was like oh no she was getting paid more money than me and like a lot more money than me and I was like this is ridiculous I'm I'm her I'm literally over her I had over her and they kept blaming me for stuff they didn't teach me how to do the job and they kept blaming me for stuff it was ridiculous like it was truly ridiculous and God told me to leave that job and to work a different job and I was like okay and so I left the job and I started working a different job and I literally worked less hours for the same amount of money like I would make like I would have to work like say like 10 hours at my old job my retail job and then I will only have to work like five to seven hours doing making the same amount of money doing my new job so it was like it was it was good for me it was a great change and I had to depend on God for my money because it was like it was like the money wasn't always guaranteed so it's like some days you would make more money than the next day but it was like I had to depend on God each day for my money like I would go out and be like Lord I hope I make the money that I make I hope that I make the money that I need to make and I will go out and I will always make the money that I needed to make so it was like I knew that like I knew that the Lord was was was with me I can't remember why I said all of this I can't remember why I said all of this God got me God got me God got me God got me God got me God got me God got me God got me God got me I'm not supposed to stuck in my head but I feel like it's getting into my spirit it's getting into my spirit God got me God got me God got me God got me it's soaking into my spirit's man so that I know that the Lord is with me the good Lord is with me and he got me and he has my back and he is protecting me and he wouldn't protect me from all those other times if he didn't have a plan for me because that's something that the Lord keeps telling me literally like when we were together the first time the amount of times this man has told me he's preparing something for me and I was like what are you preparing what are you preparing and he would just be like I'm preparing something for you and I'm like okay just be vague I guess we love the vagueness love it love that for me I live on it I thrive on it and I'm like he's not going to tell me and that's the thing and there was one time where I was asking God for something and that's and I kept asking God for answers to something and I can't remember what it was that I was asking him for and I kept asking him for answers and then he literally sent me a video and he was like the Lord told me to tell you sent me to tell you he's not going to tell you he's not going to tell you and I was like okay that's fine that's fine I can accept that if you're not going to tell me then just say that then just say that I can accept that you're not going to tell me I can accept that so I'm just like God got me God got me I feel like I can deal with that more than just being left in limbo of being like is he going to respond like having a response of knowing him being like I'm not going to tell you and I'm like okay good great now I don't have to keep praying about it but I'm like this whole like limbo of like not not knowing the answer that's what be stressing me out that's what be stressing me out God got me God got me God got me God got me you see you do got got me got got me got got me but um I have been debating about telling my parents about what I heard from the TikTok profit and because they are so like up in the air about like like they'll they'll act like they're they're gonna help me they don't really comfort me in these in my time of need so I'm thinking about just holding it in until I go to therapy so I'm just like I'm I feel like I'm fighting this battle on my own but I have you guys I have you guys so um I'm happy and I'm gonna keep updating you guys I'm going to keep updating you guys every couple of hours every couple of hours and be like hey I'm still alive I'm still alive I'm still here I'm still here but by the grace of God I'm still standing but by the grace but by the grace of God okay it's getting long it's getting long it's getting long I've been talking for a while now so um I'm gonna leave y'all like I said I'm gonna update y'all tomorrow maybe maybe not even tomorrow maybe I'll wake up in the middle of the night and I'll give y'all another update but yeah so if you made it all the way to the end of the podcast thank you for listening if you would like to find me online I have a website and a blog titled the bible is inclusive dot com their hosts my Christian blog posts about God um if you have an Instagram my at is the bible is inclusive if you have a twitter or an x my at is bible inclusive I have um I have oh a book it's called who told you that God was homophobic it's available on paperback and e-book the paper bag is available on amazon only and the e-book is available on amazon apple books Barnes & Noble Kobo script and other retailers I have a ceremonial journal which is available only on amazon and you can find that by searching my name jayama in the search bar and my book will come up if you like to become a Christian I have a podcast episode that's titled how to become a Christian you can just say the prayer that's in that episode and you can become a Christian um if you like to donate to me my cash app and my venmo are in the bio you can also go to the bot the link that's in the description to donate to me or you can go to my website and donate to me through my website but just know that if you donate to me through my website my website takes some of the money away from me so I don't get all of the money so I prefer cash app or venmo for donations um yeah that's all um thank you for making it all the way to the end of the podcast thank you for listening and I love you and Jesus loves you too so thank you