Unpurifi3d: The Ramblings of a Black Queer Christian

I Got Triggered

I talk about how a sermon I watched triggered me. It almost made me not post but God is giving me the strength to speak.

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Broadcast on:: 21 Sep 2024
Audio Format:: other

Hello, my name is Shayama and you're listening to Unpurified the Ramlings of a Black Queer Christian For today's episode of the podcast I just wanted to vent you guys It's actually 3 o'clock in the morning right now and I Just took a nap. I just took a nap and I woke up in the middle of the night and I Just need to talk about what I experienced and I'm scared actually I'm actually very fearful. I Feel filled with fear Not too much fear Not too much fear not to do it Because honestly, I'm tired of fear. I'm sick of fear. I'm sick of anxiety. I'm tired of feeling it So I'm just gonna do it. I'm just gonna speak But I was on TikTok and I was watching a profit that was on TikTok today or the last yesterday, I mean, I don't know it's 3 a.m. So I'll still call it today until I wake up again So I was watching it a TikTok profit and I Don't doubt that this profit is a true profit. I Just don't really agree with a lot of what he says And Here's the thing he was talking about annoying things and he was preaching about Annoying things and like what annoying things do and how you operated an annoying things And he was saying that not everybody is anointed right and that's one of the first things that he said He was like not everybody is anointed Not everybody is called not everybody is chosen and one thing that he said He said not everybody is loved by God But I was like I that should have been a red flag for me But I honestly think I earnestly thought he said that on accident So I kept watching And I was like hopefully that was a mistake Like cuz to say that not everybody is loved by God is Is a wild work to say that it's wild to say that And that's not true So I was like, okay, maybe this is a mistake and he said that on accident cuz he said everything pretty quickly so I was like maybe he just was talking really fast and That just sort of slipped out right But he was talking about Excuse me, he was talking about annoying things And I was like this is really interesting cuz I wanted to I wanted to learn about annoying things And I feel like he was He always gives a really interesting perspective on things and Cuz I've seen his other TikTok lives and this is what I'm trying to say is that like I'm not trying to Here's my son Making always I don't know if y'all heard that I But I'm not trying to discount him as a prophet because I do think he's a true prophet I do think he's anointed and I do think his experiences are real cuz he was talking about how like His experiences and I don't think he's lying about his experiences. I don't think he's I don't think any of that, but I do think maybe like it's just maybe he's just not for me Because he was talking about like the anointing and how like How hard it is to get an anointing in like And like how you walk through stuff when you are anointed and like you go through things When you like cuz you're not just he was like kids You know if you have an anointing of healing then you're tend to You'll get sick and if you have anointing to raise raise people from the dead Then you might almost die or you may die and come back to life And he was talking about like the anointing's and I was like yeah This makes sense all of this make sense And I was agreeing with him But then someone asked him a question and they were like If If If you keep having dreams about casting out demons out of someone Does that mean that God wants you to cast out demons? and He was like if You keep having dreams about casting out demons then that means that you have demons and God wants you to cast out demons out of you. He's trying to tell you that you need to cast out demons out of you, right? And I was like, okay And that's a thing like I was just like I was just like I don't know it just triggered me. It triggered me Him saying that because I'm like I get dreams about that I Get dreams where I cast out demons all the time And it triggers me because I'm like I feel like people it just Sit me into a spiral because I'm like I feel like people don't understand like prophetic dreams and like She was like and she was saying how she's been having these dreams ever since she was a child she was saying how her father cast out demons and She put a lot in the comment section actually She was like her father was someone who cast out demons and she was like she felt like she was receiving the same call from God because you know it's in her family line or whatever and He just kept saying about how there's like generational curses and like She could have demons in her family line and I'm like she's telling you about how her father cast out demons And so now she gets durns about casting out demons because it seems like it's something that's in her too like that just like how Elijah gave the anointing to Elisha It seems like it's it's um something that That is in her family line that belongs to her And I don't get why like he has like and like I said I feel like he talks about like how he thinks Christians can be possessed and he was talking about how he was possessed at one point and And like I said, I don't doubt anybody's experiences I don't do none of that because if you feel like you were possessed as a Christian then that's your experience And I'm not gonna take that away from you and that's the thing I don't want to take anybody's experience away from away from them because I know how that feels. I know what that feels like But I personally don't believe that Christians can be possessed because we have the whole spirit. I Do believe that Christians can be oppressed Oppressed I do believe that But posessed I don't believe that And so he was telling her how she needs to be she needs deliverance And so all it's just like I don't know it just triggered me and it sent me into a spiral But it also made me afraid because like he was talking about how Anointing's like When you're anointed God will do everything that you say like you'll you'll still do what? you'll do what God will do what you say and so like if you curse someone then God will curse them and if like If if I don't know like if They say he cuz he said that if like people try to attack his church and like People try to rob his church people try to attack his church in those people often died After that and like I said, I don't doubt his experiences. I Don't say oh that didn't happen because who am I to say that didn't happen? But he kept talking about how like if anybody comes up against him or The church then a lot of times people died because of that because of his anointing And it made me really fearful cuz he was talking about how like this one person She disagreed with the word that he said and he said that God like God did something to her like her two kids were in jail and God told her to go back and repent and so a seed And like once you repent it and so to seed Then her kids got out of jail And I'm like I'm not Like I said, I'm not going to say that never happened. I'm not gonna say that But I'm just like as He was saying those things it made me fearful to want to like Say anything about him because I'm like well, what if God does something to me because I Spoke out and I said something And I'm like I don't know And that's the thing I keep thinking about right what if God does something to me Because I said something What if God says something to me or does something to me or tries to harm me in some way? because I Spoke out against what this man has said And I'm a little like Scared so if I put this out then I must have really gotten brave or believed in God or whatever But it's like I feel like this is the type of stuff that like cuz he was talking about how He was like people don't fear prophets anymore people don't fear prophets And you should And I'm like I Don't know how to The only thing that's given me strength right now in this moment is that I know that God is not a God of fear And God has not given us a spirit of fear He has given us power love and a sound mind and God does not operate in fear in perfect love casts out all fear and Fear it cannot be in anyone who's afraid you can't You can't be fearful with God because if you're fearful then it means it has to do you think you're gonna be punished Love has not been made perfect in anyone who was afraid Because fear has to do with punishment. That's what it says You think you're gonna be punished so you're afraid And like I keep reiterating I don't think this man is false and like and like I said and I don't and this is how I feel about Many preachers there are so many preachers that people say that are false prophets and I don't ever call anybody a false prophet if you are preaching that Jesus Christ is King the kings and Lord of Lords And that Jesus Christ is the the only way to get to heaven Then you can't fool you can't be a full false prophet because you are preaching something that is true And that's how I feel in general That's how I feel So it's like I don't I don't I don't agree with a lot of people who call people false prophets when they're Not fully a false prophet if they're not speaking all lies. I'm not gonna call you a false prophet That's just not how I do. That's not who I am That's not how I move because that's a big statement to make about somebody And it's a rude statement to make to somebody to be honest So I'm not gonna say that he's a false prophet because he's not But I just like him saying that like God doesn't love everybody and like we should be fearful of The prophets of the anointed ones Because it's just it's just been bothering me and I can't sleep I Can't sleep I cannot sleep Because I've been fearful And I'm like I want to talk about this and I want to talk about this And I'm like I'm fearful that God is gonna do something to me and I'm like is this not The enemy Does this not sound like the enemy? You should be afraid to talk badly about me because God is gonna do something to you if If you speak badly about me Does that not sound like the enemy When the Bible tells us that we should turn the other cheek and we should love our enemies and we should pray for our enemies and pray for those who persecute you Because he kept bringing up scriptures about how like Because he brought up the scripture about how I think it was Elisha how he The kids there are a bunch of kids that called him bald and they're making fun of him and then he cursed them and Then two bears came out of the woods and like attacked the kids and killed them all And he was talking about how God like strikes people down and kills people Who attack his anointed ones And I was just like I don't know like you know what I mean like and it was so like I Feel like a lot of what he was teaching when it comes to anointing when it's like when he's saying like Anointing's are heavy Anointing's can he said that anointing's can kill you which to a degree? I think can't They can if you forsake the anointing because it's so heavy on you And he was talking about how like People can be anointed and then like if they forsake it and they like let go and they start acting up and God will you do lose you do lose your life and Depending on what you're doing He was like you'll lose your life before you lose your soul So it's like I do get that in a certain sense because like depending on what you do if you're drinking too much If you do drugs You're doing stuff that can end your life And the Lord will take you out And it's not even in the sense of the Lord taking you out is you taking yourself out Because when we don't follow the Lord when we don't do what the what God acts of us to do We are literally denying the the plan that he has for us We're forsaking the plan that he has for us So Yeah, I don't know like I said, it's like there's not everything not everything that he said was like this is wrong and I hate it or whatever, you know what I mean, but it's just like it just triggered me like it triggered me into like it literally triggered me like and I was literally triggered and I felt like I was possessed and that's the thing because my voice is a raspy and I wasn't talking that much today and so like I was praying to God and I heard like a raspiness in my voice and I was like scared that it was a demon and And I'm like my voice is just a raspy Just like how my voice is a raspy now because it's three o'clock in the morning and I haven't been talking And I was so like afraid and I get in these moments where I'm just like When I'm triggered and I go back to that space of being like oh I'm possessed and possessed and possessed and possessed and I was praying to God and I was asking God to take these demons out of me For me to stop dealing with these demons And that's the thing like when you go on schizophrenic Pages all of us are like crying out to God and Asking God to release us of this because it's like we we are like okay. This is demonic And we see things and we hear things and we experience things And we're like this is demonic and the Lord doesn't deliver us from it He doesn't deliver us from it So to me it's like it's telling me that this is a this is a mental illness It's a mental illness Even though I do think like I said I do think I mean I am hearing from demons. I do think my voices are demons. I Do think that Because they're crafty They say a lot they copy me a lot But that doesn't mean like I said, I believe I am oppressed by demons, but I don't believe I am possessed by demons Oppressed not possessed Because I even remember I've had an experience where I Was in my room and I was dealing with millennia, I was having like an episode of sorts I Guess and I was fighting in the spirit and I could tell I was fighting in the spirit And I felt demons trying to possess me and They were literally trying to possess me and they couldn't possess me and I felt them trying and I'm like you can't possess me. I have the Holy Spirit I'm walking with the Lord Jesus and he is protecting me you cannot possess me And I was just sitting there and I was annoyed I Was annoyed And That's the thing like It's talking about demons Can be so triggering for me and that's the thing that I don't like because like to a degree is like when I think I'm being possessed, it's like I don't know how to explain it because I do think like I do have religious delusions and That's one of my religious delusions. It's thinking that I'm possessed And it's like when I get in that bag of thinking that I'm possessed It is like it is like I'm on a whole nother mentality and like my brain switches over to like something to something else My brain is it gets so like I Don't know it just like It just gets like something else And It's just hard, I don't know I can't remember why I was going along with this But yeah, I think I'm talking about how it's triggering, but it's like it is triggering like all of these things are Super triggering for me like just talking about demons It's super triggering for me And I think that like I Think that talking about demons like and that's the thing cuz I'm like I've been thinking about like Not looking at church or not looking at like people talk Like if demons get brought up I feel like I shouldn't be in the room because it's so triggering for me But I feel like I just need to sit under a person who believes that Christians can't be possessed So I'm just like I'm trying to I Trying to And that's the thing I'm trying to like I'm trying to Decide what to do with my faith because it's like watching sermons Are watching people to preach Has become so triggering for me, and I feel like I get like this year I Feel like I'm starting to fall back into like my old ways Of like Being like okay, this is demonic This is demonic and I don't want anything to do with it and I want to and I don't want to touch it And I don't want to be around it and like and I feel like I'm Kind of losing it to a degree I feel like I'm kind of losing it You But I'm trying I'm trying my hardest I'm trying my hardest I'm trying my hardest to make it through I'm trying my hardest And like I said y'all I wasn't gonna take a real break. I knew I wasn't gonna take a real break If I do release this If I do release this then I overcame my fear And hand claps for me But um I Don't know I guess this is helping me to like realize the The bondage that like I Guess like certain religions or cults can put people in Because if you really think that God is going to do something evil to you if you think that God is going to harm you and That someone is so anointed and so close to God that God would do anything for them Including kill you if you cross them And you feel fearful of that That is some extreme bondage to put someone in That is extreme bondage to put someone in And I can see why people don't leave So Yeah Yeah, it started to make sense It's starting to make sense But even though I feel anxious I Think I will release this I pray that I do I hope that I do Because fear doesn't have a hold on me and God is not a God of fear God is not a God of fear and God does not use fear To control his people God is not a mobster God when I try to harm me into submission And I want to talk about that lady when she's talking about how I want to talk about how she She was saying how she had dreams about it I have dreams about casting out demons because I have demons that come into my dreams and Talk to me And I'm like if you're a prophetic dreamer You get warfare in your dreams and I feel like people don't talk about that or know about that And I'm like if you're a prophetic dreamer, you're gonna cast out demons in your dreams Because that's what I go through And it's not of anything that I did any door that I've opened up and that's what they say because they're always like And that's what they the church always does the church always blames you They always blame you They're like if you have this coming up what it would door did you open up you opened up a door? And I'm like Y'all know that when you get closer to God warfare happens, right? And I feel like he understood that Because he understood that and when it came to the anointing and that's what he was saying He was like when you get an anointing like it's heavy and you go through you go through intense seasons But then it was like she's asking about dreams And he's like you have dropped you have demons in you and you need deliverance And I'm like they're a prophetic dreamers prophetic dreamers we go through warfare to Because we're prophetic dreamers But yeah, yeah God has not given me the spirit of fear But of power and love in a sound mind Perfect love casts out all fear Remember that I have commanded you to be determined and confident Do not be afraid I can't remember Joshua one nine I'm gonna go late hang on y'all I Found it y'all It says remember that I have commanded you to be determined and confident Do not be afraid to discourage for either Lord your God and with you wherever you go I used to say that verse all the time when I was afraid I Can't believe I forgot it I Got half of it remember that I have commanded you to be determined and confident do not be afraid That's all I remember Do not be afraid to discourage for either Lord your God and with you wherever you go And with you wherever you go So he is with me, God is with me God is with me God is with me God is with me God is with me Ooh, this is a stronghold baby Because all I have a satin up under this for one day and it has put enough fear in my heart It has put fear in my heart Satin up with one guy saying this One time And it is put fear in my heart You Okay, but That's all I have to say Is that all I have to say Yeah, I Was gonna say something else because there's there's another prophet that I saw online. I don't know if she's a prophet per se Cuz she never said that she's a prophet she just said that she can see into the spirit but She talks about like casting out devils And she wasn't she doesn't like She moves completely different from the other guy and she doesn't It doesn't seem like she it has an effect on her He says like he says that when he casts out devils that it has an effect on him But it seems like when she casts out devils it doesn't have an effect on her So I don't know I guess people could have Excuse me, I guess people can have Different experiences when it comes to this different experiences, so I Guess That's it that's it I Do feel anxious y'all I do feel I feel so anxious. I feel so anxious But I'm gonna try and post this I'm gonna pray about it And I'm gonna try and post this but If you made it all the way to the end of the podcast thank you for listening and If you like to find me online I have a blog in a web Website called the Bible is inclusive calm, which holds my blog post about Christianity I have a book. It's called who told you that got was homophobic That's available on paperback in e-book and the paperback is only on Amazon The e-book is available on Amazon Apple books Barnes and Opel Kobo script and other retailers Also, I have a sermon notes journal That's only on Amazon and you can find that by searching my name Jaima in the search bar and you can get a sermon notes journal If you would like to become a Christian, I have a podcast episode titled how to become a Christian and You can say the prayer that's in that podcast episode and you can become a Christian my Instagram is At is the Bible is inclusive in my Twitter or X at is Bible inclusive if you would like to donate to me at my cash app in my Venmo in the bio and You can go to the link that's in the description to donate to me or you can go to my website and And donate to me But if you donate to me through my website Just know that I'm not gonna get all of the money that you give me Because they take some of the money away from me. So just know that if you're gonna donate through my website so Yeah, that's everything. That's everything And If you made it all the way to the end of the podcast, thank you for listening and I love you and Jesus loves you too So, thank you for listening