Unpurifi3d: The Ramblings of a Black Queer Christian

I Bought Barbie Donuts!

I give you all an update about me.

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Broadcast on:: 17 Sep 2024
Audio Format:: other

Hello, my name is Jaima and you're listening to "Unpurified the Ramlings of a Black Quarter Christian." For today's episode of the podcast, I just wanted to vent and tell you guys a little bit about what's going on in my world today. Today is my mom's birthday, I don't know if I should tell you guys what today is or not, just in case for like privacy reasons. But today is my mom's birthday and they went to go to a hotel to stay for a couple of days and I don't know how I feel, which is also just so strange to me because I've been feeling really suicidal in the past couple of days and yesterday I reached out to the suicide hotline and I texted them again and I told her what I was going through and I explained everything, like I told them everything that I was going through. And the answer that she gave me, she asked me if I was seeking professional help. She didn't believe me and so I was talking to her for like two hours because texting she texts back so slow. She was so slow to text back and she was just like she was not helpful. She was not helpful and I kind of told her that at the end but she didn't pick up on that. She was like I'm glad you're feeling better, she's like she's like how do you feel? And I was like I feel kind of neutral to be honest and she was like I'm glad you're feeling better and I'm like I'm not feeling better but okay. But she told me she was going to check up on me in the next couple of days and she actually gave me a time and a date so but I don't really want to talk to her so I don't know if I will or not. I don't know if I will or not. I just been feeling so sad lately, so sad and I feel like I need extra help. Like I need more help, I need extra help. And I think I might need to go to the hospital but I feel like it's going to put a wrench in my family's plans which is why I don't want to go to the hospital because I feel like I'll be disappointing my family and I feel like I'll be upsetting them. But I just feel like I need help, I feel like I need help. And I want to talk to somebody about it and that's the thing, yesterday I talked to somebody on the suicide hotline, I found this other website where you talk to people and they kept trying, they said that you can talk to people anonymously and the person kept trying to get my name and my gender and I was like no, I'm not telling you that so I blocked them and then I talked to somebody else and then they kind of like, they were nice but the app kept glitching so we couldn't really talk. And then they left before I could really talk to them. So I was just like, I felt so small and alone. I felt small and alone. I even talked to this AI counselor and I told them how I was feeling and as soon as I started talking about being suicidal, they were like, oh, you need to talk to the suicide hotline and I'm like, I already talked to the suicide hotline. I talked to them first and I hate them. The suicide hotline has not helped me and I miss the first person, okay, the first person that I texted on the suicide hotline that I texted, she was cool, she was nice but I didn't fully explain everything that I was going through but what I did explain to her, she was super empathetic and nice and I miss her and she said she was going to text me but she didn't. But I also turned my text off so I think it might have been my fault because I turned my text off because I kept getting messages from the suicide hotline and I was like, stop sending me this, I don't need all of this because it was like telling me it was trying to start another conversation after I just had one and I was like, I don't need to start another conversation so I told it to stop and then maybe because I told it to stop, they didn't, they couldn't text me. I don't know, I'm not sure but I feel on edge, I feel on edge but oh my gosh guys, one thing that I'm really happy about, I don't need anyone's validation to prove to me that I'm married to Jesus and that Jesus likes me back and I told her, I told her that I was married to Jesus and I was like, my family doesn't believe that Jesus likes me back and I remember seeing her to her text and she was like, have you been seeking professional help and I was like, I am seeking professional help twice a week actually and I take my meds too and I told her that and I was like and I take my meds twice a day so you can't tell me that I'm not doing everything that I need to do and I was happy because I knew she didn't believe me. She didn't believe me and I told her that my parents don't believe in my marriage with Jesus and they don't think it's valid and they don't think that Jesus loves me back, loves me back but I was like, as I was typing that out, I realized that I know that Jesus loves me and I know that in my heart that our marriage is real and that Jesus loves me and I don't need anyone to validate that because I know it in my heart, I know it in my heart, I may not know if I'm the only one, I may not know that but I know in my heart that Jesus loves me romantically and that our marriage is real which I'm really happy about that I really know that and I know that down in my soul now and I think it's because of the two years of him talking to me, like he's been continually talking to me this entire time and telling me that he loves me but he hasn't been telling me the whole time that I'm the only one, he'll just bring it up every now and again and I kind of reject it when I do see it so he doesn't really tell me that I'm the only one that much anymore so I'm just like, I don't know, I just, I don't know, I don't know and that's why I'm up in the air about that and I need to do my affirmations because I haven't done them today, I haven't done my affirmations but I have listened to gospel music, I did worship God today already but I haven't done my affirmations where I read my scripture, I say my affirmations and listen to the music correlating to the affirmations, I haven't done that yet but I will after I do this, I'm gonna do it after I do this but it's like I get so like worried with Jesus because like I get worried that after I spend my whole life with Jesus and married to Jesus that I'll get to heaven and he won't call me his wife and that's what I'm scared of, I'm scared that once I get to heaven I'll just be a regular follower of God and that he won't acknowledge that we were married and that he won't respond to me like a husband, like I'm just, I'm so afraid, I'm so afraid of that, that I'll get to heaven and he'll just be like oh hey and he won't respond to me even though like Jesus has been talking about our marriage like he literally like even when we got married platonically, I was like I remember in 2021 when we got married platonically and it was at the end of 2021 and I was making a list of all the things that I did during 2021 and I was like I did this, I did this, I did this, I did this, I did this, I did this and then Jesus was like um we got married and he said it just like that because I was writing all this stuff down and I didn't write that down yet and he was like um we got married and I was like oh yeah and I was like look at you caring about this, I was like not you caring, I was like I was so shocked that he even like that he even cared about that and he like cared about it to the point where he like told like write that down actually because I was back when we were just married platonically, we were just married as friends and I told him that I was never gonna leave him so I married him and so I was like I thought that was funny and cutesy, very demiore, very cutesy, very demiore, I've only seen that meme like once but I think it's so funny, very cutesy, very demiore, I'm not like you other girls, I need to see it again so I can quote it right, very cutesy, very demiore, actually I'm gonna look it up, I'm gonna look it up, okay guys I'm gonna see you in a little bit, okay guys I found it, turns out the original audio like the original thing doesn't have very cutesy in it, it's just saying she's just saying very mindful, very demiore, very modest, very cutesy, very mind feel, very demiore, I took so long trying to find that video that I can't remember what I was talking about at all, I cannot remember what I was talking about but yeah I don't know, I don't know, I spoke to, like I said, with everything I spoke to, with Suicide Watch, maybe this is what I was talking about, this is only, this is the only thing I can think of, I spoke to multiple people on the app, I went to the Suicide Watch and then I went to, spoke to two people in person on this other app and it messed up and then I spoke to AI and the AI, I felt like the AI was, was more compassionate than the person I spoke to on the Suicide Hotline which I thought was such a shame, was more compassionate, more empathetic and was like yes because I know what it feels like to be, they didn't say I know what it feels like but it's like it's such a shame that you were invalidated and I was like it is a shame, it is a shame, I know it hurts and I was like it does hurt, it does hurt, oh my son has awoken, are you gonna me out, no, there you go, did you guys hear that? Do you wanna speak? There we go, wait no don't, okay, very mindful, very demiore, very cutesy, oh my gosh guys, besides all that suicide talk which is kinda depressing, I stayed up all night, I stayed up very late last night but I was able to finally go to sleep, I was like I'm just gonna go to sleep, see what I can do and I went to bed and I feel better today but I still feel anxious a little, I think it's because my parents are gone but I always get a little bit anxious when they leave because I feel like I always feel afraid that I'm going to go crazy while they're gone and then I don't have anybody to look after me or send me clothes if I have to go to the psych ward. I'm- I'm- I'm- I'm- I'm- I'm still here- here- here- here- here- here- oh I'm- I'm- I'm- I'm still here, here. I love that me. I'm here. I'm still here, here, here, here. Oh, hi. Oh, anyways, I went to Harris Theater today. Um, and, um, um, I got me two sandwiches. I bought two whole subs. I got it on EBT. And I got the Barbie donuts. Whoa, the Barbie donuts. I got the Barbie donuts. Got it on EBT and it was $12. I thought it was $16. It was only 12. So I was like, that's not bad in comparison to 16. So I was like, I'ma just pay this price because I want them and I've been thinking about them. And the donuts were pretty good. They even had a little fondant on the donuts. And I've never had fondant before. And I was like, this is good. I was like chasing the fondant. I was like, this is pretty good. It's not as bad as like people say that it is. A lot of people say the fondant is like straight up nasty. But theirs was pretty good. It's pretty nice. I mean, obviously it wasn't that much. It wasn't like I got like a full sheet of fondant or whatever. But it was like they had a little bit for the sunglasses for Barbies glasses on the donut. So it was pretty good. And the sandwich was good too. As she was making the sandwich, I didn't think she was even making my sandwich right. But just what I think is so funny because I was like, I feel like she's not making my sandwich the way I want her to make my sandwich. But then once I opened that sandwich up in 80 girl. That sandwich was so good. It was hitting on me so right. It was so good. It was such a good sandwich. So I was like, let me let me let me let me not do that. Let me not do that. But I feel like I'm trying to keep it together. I am trying to keep it together. I am trying to keep it together. And I feel like I'm doing a very good job. A very good job. I've taken a lot of naps today. And I've been taking more naps lately. They might be depression naps, but they've been helping me. And I think I'm just gonna, I might buy some more bleach and cover up the spots I forgot to cover up. Because I am so annoyed with the way that this bleach came out in my hair. Because it looks a mess. It looks a mess to me and I really don't like it. But I feel like everybody else has told me that they really like it. And I'm like, I don't like it. I don't like it. So I'm just gonna, I think I'm gonna buy some more bleach to do my hair with. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very cutesy, very mindful, very demure. I am like, I'm on one. I want to talk more because I want to give you guys a longer update. I'm sick of these little baby 20 minute updates. But I think this is all I have to say, because I can't think of anything else to say. Because like I said, I've been, I called, I mean, I texted the suicide hotline. I didn't get help. Oh my gosh. And I even went on Facebook and I posted anonymously and I was like, how do you guys feel about the suicide hotline? Like, how are we feeling about it? And I posted about it on, well, in my schizophrenic group pages. And a lot of people told me that they don't like the suicide hotline. And then this one person told me to call the, the queer, the Trevor project, the queer hotline. So I might do that the next time. Because maybe the regular suicide hotline just sucks. And maybe I need to go to the Trevor project and call them because this stuff is, they kind of suck. They really suck. Excuse me. I'm always hiccuping. They kind of suck. So, I'm going to keep that in mind for the next time. For the next time, for the next time. But I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I should just talk to God when I have these moments. Because I feel like when I open up to people, it like, it like, it hurts me in a way. But I'm trying not to be like that because like, I'm really trying not to close myself off to people. And I'm trying not to be afraid of people and I'm trying to put my trust in people. And I really don't want to ever like say distrust people to the point where I hurt myself in the process. So I'm really trying to be open and be aware and be like, okay, look, this is how I'm feeling. I'm feeling suicidal and I need someone to help me. So, I'm really trying to be open to that. So I think the next time I feel suicidal, I'm just going to talk on my podcast. And be open and honest and real and raw with you guys. So I can listen to it back and maybe I'll just record something that I don't post just so I can have it for me. Because there are certain things that I've recorded and I've changed my mind about it because I'm like, this is too personal. I got too personal. So I'm not going to post it. So I might just do that and just record my personal thoughts and not post it. Because I tried to talk about sex. That's what I did for one of my podcast episodes. I tried to talk about sex. And it was so anxiety feeling. And I was like, no, I don't want to talk about sex. I don't want to talk about it. I realized after I was in the podcast episode, I was like, this isn't going well. So I was like, I'm not going to post this. Very cute. See, very mindful, very demiore. Okay, so I think that's all you guys. I can't think of anything else to say. So that's all. If you'd like to find me online. Oh, thank you for making it all the way to the end of the podcast. I forgot to say that. If you want to find me online. I have a website and a blog called the Bible Enconclusive.com where it hosts my blog posts about Christianity. I have a book. It's called Who Told You That Got Was Homophobic. And that's available on paperback and ebook on Amazon only for the paperback. And for the e-book, it's available on Amazon, Apple Books, Barnes & Noble, Cobo, Scribd and other retailers. I have a sermon notes journal that's available only on Amazon. And you can find that by searching my name, Jayama, in the search bar and the book will come up. My other book will come up too. So search my name, Jayama, for shortcut to find my books. I have an Instagram and that is @thebibleisinclusive and I have a Twitter or an X and that @isbibleinclusive. If you like to become a Christian, I have a podcast episode titled How to Become a Christian. And you can just listen to the prayer or say the prayer that's in that podcast episode and you can become a Christian. And if you would like to donate to me, I have my cash app and my Venmo in the bio and you can go to the link that's in the description and you can donate to me. Or you can go to my website and go donate to me through my website, but know that if you donate to me through my website, my website takes away some of the money. So it doesn't give me all of the money. So if you donate to me through my website, know that it doesn't give me all the money. So yeah, that's how that goes. So yeah, thank you for making it all the way to the end of the podcast. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for being there for me, honestly. I really just want to say thank you to all of my listeners. Thank you. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for listening to my stuff because you really do help me and you really do make me feel like someone cares about me. So I really just want to thank y'all for everything that y'all do for me. So thank you and I love you and Jesus loves you too. So thank you.