Unpurifi3d: The Ramblings of a Black Queer Christian

(Part 2) God's Feelings Towards Me

I talk about my relationship with Jesus.

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Broadcast on:: 14 Sep 2024
Audio Format:: other

Hello, my name is Jayama and you're listening to Unpurified, the Ramlings of a Black Queer Christian. For today's episode of the podcast, I'm going to talk about God's feelings towards me. This is part two, part two, if you haven't listened to part one, you should go and listen to part one, but you probably don't need to because I kind of rambled through all of that. I was talking y'all's ear off, but you probably don't need to listen to that. But this is part two, so let's get into it. Since we came up from birth to basically when I started dating Jesus, Lord, this is, I never realize that this is going to be hard to talk about. This is going to be hard to talk about because the Lord, the way the Lord bagged me, the way the Lord bagged me, he was essentially telling me how like, how much he loved me. The main thing that really appealed to me was he talked about how lonely he was and how lonely he felt and how he wanted somebody to be with. That's something that I really related to, something that I really felt strongly about because I was lonely and I felt really lonely and I felt like all I had was him and he was essentially telling me like, all we have is each other. He was talking about how lonely he felt and how misunderstood he felt and how nobody really got him, nobody really understood him, nobody really wanted him for him, they wanted him for his things, they didn't want him for him. He was talking about that and I really related to that because that's how people treat me and that's how I've been treated my whole life, how people will talk to me and be friends with me because I give good advice and there literally have been times where people have come up to me, strangers have come up to me and explained to me their entire lives. I would sit there and I would listen to them intently and I would help them through their entire lives. I would tell them what's going on in their lives and what they should do and what God is doing in their lives and how they should move and then they would never talk to me again. They won't even say hello to me when they pass me by and I've had that happen to me so many times and I was like this must be how Jesus feels because I'm like Jesus will sit there and fix somebody's life up and then they will just not talk to Jesus again unless they need something, unless they want something. So it's just, you know, it sucked, it sucked but I know that it was making me closer to Jesus so it didn't hurt too bad but that's essentially how we got together like how he spoke to me was telling me how lonely he was and I was lonely too and that's the thing when we first got together I thought I was the first person to ever ask him. Hang on y'all, I'm getting a call from my mom. I didn't pick up but hopefully she's not going to call me again but now I can't remember what I was talking about. I think I was talking about how Jesus told me he was lonely. Oh, when I first got with Jesus I thought I was the first person to ever ask him to be with him. I didn't know about the prophecy, I didn't know about any other people who thought they were the bride of Christ, I literally thought I was the first person to ever ask him, ask him out and I had told him when we got together I was like, look here boy, I am playing no games with you, I'm not playing no games with you, I am in love with you. You better not play games with me, you better not use this to build my faith, you better not do this to me. He was like, I ain't playing no games with you, I ain't playing no games with you, I know I ain't playing no games with you, I know I ain't playing no games with you. And I was like, okay, and that's the thing because the sign that he showed me, it was a girl going like, she was like, she's like, I won't play with your dreams because I know I'm in love. So I won't play with your dreams because I know I'm in love, I know I'm in love. So I was like, all right, you better not play with me boy, you better not play with me because this ain't a game for me, this is real life. And so I said that before we got together and after he assured me that he wasn't playing games with me, I was like, okay, okay, so that's how we got together. And like I said, our first month, we were wonderful, great month, great month, great month, our first month. And then our second month, we started to have problems, third month, I can't remember, we had like broken up so many times, so many times we had broken up. And so it was like, I would just argue with him all the time, but I still loved him. That's the thing. Like, I don't know how to explain it, like we argued constantly. We argued like a married couple because we weren't married couple. And I was upset that he had me in this place. And I was like, I didn't have any money, I didn't have any money, and he had me in this place. And I was just like, when are you going to take me out? When are you going to deliver me? I hated here, I hate being here, it hurts me. He would just be like, I don't know, I don't know what he would say to be honest. Because I would just argue with him. He would tell me you're going to get out eventually, essentially, it's going to change. Things are going to change. Don't be strong. He was just hard, it was hard being with him. And then because I actually told all of this in my other, in a previous podcast episode about my schizophrenia, how I got diagnosed with schizophrenia, but I was dealing with a whole lot of false prophecies, dealing with a whole lot of false prophecies, and him telling me that he was going to come out of heaven, first he said he was going to rapture me, then he said he was going to come out of heaven, and he was going to come get me. And like he was going to come to the earth, and then we were going to live together. And so I was like, okay, and this is just, this is what hurts. And I kept saying prophecies, saying that he's going to show up at your doorstep, it's going to show up at your doorstep. He's coming in three days, he's coming in this many days, it's coming in this many days. And so I believed it every single time it happened. Every single time I got a prophecy, I believed it. And I would literally physically get myself ready to see him because I'm like, he's coming. He's coming to get me. And people talk about the second coming, but the Bible never calls it the second coming. The Bible just says that he's coming back. So they never said it's the second coming. They just say that he's coming back. So I'm like, so I'm assuming he can come back whenever he wants, and then he can do the big thing whenever he wants, whenever that's supposed to happen, that's something different. So I'm like, God can do all things. And he can show up whenever he wants and he can live with me if he wants to. And I was like, he's probably going to be disguised because he doesn't want to be known. But I was like, he's going to come and he's going to live with me like he said he was. And so that's what I believed. And now that I've taken some time because he had told me multiple times that he was going to come get me and he had given me different dates. And one of the dates they had said was Christmas. He was going to come get me on Christmas. And so that Christmas when I had my psychotic episode, that Christmas really sucked because I really thought that he was going to come get me. And I had told my family and I had told everybody and they're like, he's not going to come. He's not going to come get you. He's not showing up. He's not going to come. And so I was just like, I just thought because it was true. And he didn't come and he hasn't come and hang on y'all. Sorry y'all, that was my mom leaving. But it really broke my heart when he didn't show up for me because I fully believed it every single time, literally every single time they told me he was going to show up. I believed it. And so it broke my heart and I lost a lot of faith during that time period. It was like each time he didn't show up, I was like, it was like chipping away at my faith. And it was just chipping away, and chipping away, and chipping away, and chipping away, and chipping away, and chipping away, and chipping away, and chipping away, chipping away, chipping away, chipping away. So, but I realized now that what he was talking to me about was the second coming and the rapture, and not him just showing up coming to get me. He was just talking about the second coming and the rapture, and I'm like, why would you, why would you talk to me about that when I'm thinking it's gonna be? I don't know, it still pisses me off. When it's like, I'm still, when you made it seem like it was gonna be now, like you were gonna come get me, and you were gonna save me now. (sighs) So, it was just, it's just, it sucks. (sighs) It sucks. I don't know, this is supposed to be about the good. And I'm trying to find the good, but the Lord has like, I feel like that's what's like chipping away at my faith because it's like the Lord has like, allowed so much falsehood in my life, and allows demons to talk to me. and allows just like so much demonic influence and he just expects me to just know what's true and what's fake and what's this and what's that and what's me and what's you and what's them and what's and it's just it's hard it's hard trying to figure that out. I'm just... I don't know I thought this was gonna be a good thing but I feel like it's like it's turning into something it's like bringing up old trauma and bringing up why I don't believe because I feel like he told me that he wasn't gonna play with my heart and then he did and he's just testing me he's just testing you he's just testing you that was a test that was a test he's just testing you why literally why and I kind of feel like a fool for like getting back with him but that's the thing over the course of the two years that we stop being together Jesus has been on his hands and knees begging me to come back to him because I spent a year not talking to him and I was dating somebody else and we broke up pretty quickly and then I started talking to a whole bunch of men a whole bunch of men and I never talked to women even though I'm pan and I prefer women but I knew that I was wasting these men time I knew I was wasting their time and I was not going to waste a woman's time I did not want to break a woman's heart because I knew I could like fall in love with a woman and a woman could fall in love with me and like be like in her feelings about me and I was like I'm not gonna do it to a woman because I know I'm not serious I'm not being serious right now and I know men ain't serious men are not serious so I was talking to a bunch of men because I knew they were never gonna be serious I knew they were never gonna be serious so I started talking to a whole bunch of men because I was like you're never gonna be serious I'm never gonna be serious when when when when even though I had my boyfriend at the time I knew we weren't gonna last when when but I was doing all of that to try to get over Jesus and it's just I couldn't get over him I couldn't get over him and he was still speaking to me he was still sending me signs that he loved me that he wanted to be with me and so I was just like okay and I slowly but surely slowly but surely made my way back to him slowly but surely because he kept sending me and I told him that I wouldn't him to send me a sign and I was like if you truly love me and I'm your only wife then send me this grandiose sign take me to heaven look me in my eyes and tell me the truth and that's the thing I told him that the whole time I was like I was like look me in my eyes and tell me the truth so that I can get over you so that I can move on with my life so I can move on with my life because I feel like it's not fair that you got me just out here just feeling all these emotions and I'm just up in the air about our relationship and that's the thing he didn't show me the sign that I want it he didn't tell me in the sign that I want it but he kept sending me dreams he kept sending me songs he kept sending me yeah mostly dreams and songs lots of dreams lots of dreams and songs and I felt his spirit and that's how we got back together and we've been together since July 29th and I still don't feel connected to him because I still don't trust him I still don't trust him but I'm trying to I'm trying to believe I'm trying to believe that I'm special and then I'm special to him and he told me that I'm special to him but it's just hard to believe that with the way that he treats me but then I think about Jesus's life and how Jesus is special and he lived a horrible life we don't know anything about him for 30 years but his ministry even though it was powerful he was getting pushed back at every waking minute they tried to kill him nine times eight times before they successfully killed him on that ninth attempt his followers were stupid and I mean that in the most his followers were not bright and so it was just like and he died a painful grueling agonizing death and he is special to God he's special to God and his life did not look like it he was poor he was homeless he was homeless he was being financially supported by women rich women so I'm like I look at his life and then I look at my life and I'm like my life doesn't look it looks it doesn't look like glamorous you know but Jesus life wasn't glamorous either so I'm just trying to believe I'm really trying to believe and I feel like as I talk I get a little more hopeful a little more faith filled because I've had dreams where the Lord has told me that he's testing me at dreams where the Lord told me that I can have hope and that I should have faith and that I should believe and that I should trust in God I've been spoken into my spirit I had the Lord speak into my spirit and tell me that I should trust him I had the Lord speak into my spirit and tell me that I'm crying out for something and yet he's right here that whatever I'm crying out for I guess he can provide so I'm just like I'm trying to believe and I feel like he's dancing around it that's the thing that's pissing me off I feel like he's dancing around the subject he's dancing around it and I'm like tell me the truth like I am a dummy-wummy-fummy talk to me like I'm dumb because I don't want you to talk to me like I'm five because these are adult conversations but talk to me as if I am a stupid individual because you are dancing around the subject and I'm just like I'm trying to believe I want answers but I'm trying to believe with what I have I'm trying to believe with what I have because what I have is a lot but I just don't trust myself because everybody thinks I'm crazy everybody thinks some craze everybody has those days everybody thinks I'm crazy so it's hard to believe when everyone thinks you're a lunatic but you know what excuse me I'm just gonna try and believe you guys I'm just gonna try and believe I'm gonna try and believe I am the bride of Christ I am the bride of Christ I am the bride of Christ I am the bride of Christ I literally feel like it's doing something to my soul as I say this which is interesting I am the bride of Christ I feel like my spirit is shaking I don't know if it's from fear or what I am the bride of Christ and Jesus loves me Jesus is in love with me Jesus is in love with me Jesus is in love with me Jesus is in love with me I think I'm gonna start saying affirmations every day to get myself to believe in this so that it so that it gets into my spirit but I am really tired of talking I'm really tired of talking so I'm gonna stop talking now so if you made it all the way to the end of the podcast thank you for listening if you'd like to find me online I have a website and a blog called the Bible is inclusive.com I have a book it's called who told you that got with some phobic and that's available on paperback and ebook and that's available on paperback on Amazon and the ebook is on available on Amazon Apple Books Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Scribd and other retailers I have a sermonnokes journal that's available only on Amazon and you can find that by searching my name Jaima in the search bar and the sermonnokes journal comes up you can do that for the other book too you can just search running Jaima and my books come up I have an Instagram and the ad is the Bible is inclusive I have a Twitter or an X and the ad is Bible inclusive if you want to become a Christian I have a podcast episode that's titled how to become a Christian and you can say the prayer that's in that in that podcast episode and you can become a Christian and if you would like to donate to me I have my cash app and my Venmo in the bio and there's a link that's in the bio that you can use to donate to me and you can go to my website and click on the donate tab and you can donate to me through my website but just know that if you donate to me through my website they don't give me all the money that you sent me so that's really sucks but yeah that's the fact of the matter so I prefer cash app or Venmo so yeah if you made it all the way to the end thank you for listening and I love you and Jesus loves you too so thank you