Unpurifi3d: The Ramblings of a Black Queer Christian

Part 1 God's Feelings Towards Me

I talk about what God has done in my life.

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Broadcast on:: 13 Sep 2024
Audio Format:: other

Hello, my name is Jaima and you're listening to Unpurified the Ramblings of a Black Queer Christian. For today's episode of the podcast, I just want to talk about how God feels about me, how God has been moving in my life, my relationship with Jesus, and all that sort of jazz, just so that I can help myself believe in the prophecy. And if you don't know what the prophecy is, I believe, or I'm trying to get myself to believe because Jesus told me this a lot ago. Anyways, Jesus and I are in a romantic relationship, we are married, and he told me that there's only one bride, one woman, one bride, one bride of Christ. And he told me that is me, that I am the bride of Christ, and it is very extremely hard for me to believe that because the church says otherwise, and my family says otherwise, and everyone thinks I'm crazy. So I'm trying to get myself to believe, I mean, Jesus sends me signs all the time and like he'll send me a sign. And he mostly sends me dreams, he'll send me songs, he'll send me videos, he'll send me signs that were together, and even the way he talks to me, which I'll get into. Even the way he talks to me, he talks to me like he's my husband, and he talks to me in a way that I asked him to talk to me. So, there's just a connection that we have, and hang on y'all, I hear something in the background, let me pause this really quick. Sorry y'all, my mom is home, so I have to like be careful with how I speak and how loudly I speak, because she's home and she thinks I'm crazy, so it's hard for me to say what I want to say, speak how I want to speak, and be freely, but I'm just going to talk about how God has been in my life, and hopefully this will be a long episode but who knows, so let's start off at the very beginning. I got saved when I was three years old. I went to Christian schools, I went to a Christian preschool, I went to a Christian kindergarten, and then I went to public school. I was always a Jesus freak, as you were. I was always a freak about Jesus. I was always someone that people knew that I was saved, people knew that about me. That was the main traits about me that everybody knew about me about, that I was smart, and that I believed in Jesus. Okay, so I just heard my mom going up the stairs, so I had to pause, but like I said, when I was in school, and I wrote about this in my book, if you write my book, everybody in school knew that I was really smart, really quiet, and I was a Jesus freak. That's what everybody knew me for. I knew that I was smart, that I didn't talk, and that I loved Jesus. Honestly, if I actually wanted to go to my high school reunion, I don't think anybody would be surprised that I have a ministry. I think a lot of people would be surprised that I'm married to Jesus, but honestly, at the same time, I also don't think people would be surprised about that, because I love Jesus, and they know how much I love Jesus. So, if they know, it depends on how much immersed in church culture they are, and but I don't want to go to my high school reunion. I didn't even stay during senior day. I had no friends, like the friends that I had left me, they were fake, and I just, I never had friends, and that's the thing. I could never keep friends on me. I could never keep a friend. I was always isolated, and that's the thing. This is what I've been saying. This is what I'm trying to say. God has kept me hidden for my entire life, and I started losing friends once I hit the third grade. I used to have like, my life was like, pretty normal when I was in second grade, and I used to love going to school, but then once I hit the third grade, all my friends left me, except like two, and they were just fake, they were fake, and they left me, they didn't want to hang around me anymore, and so I was like, okay, it's whatever, and then it just kept happening. It just kept happening where people just kept leaving me. I would make friends, and then people would leave me, and then I would make friends, and then people would not talk to me, and then, and I was just like, I don't know what is what is it about me that makes people want to leave me all the time, because it's like, people would use me to, like, people knew that I had good advice. I've always been wise. I've always had the gift to counsel, the gift to wisdom, so people would always come to me if they needed advice. Even my best friend in middle school, who we stopped, we stopped being friends because she was homophobic, and she was using me. She would only talk to me if she needed advice, and I would call her out on it, and she was still like, it was like, she was still doing it, and the thing is, me and her ended up like, stopped being friends because she was dating an old man who was using her, and I told her straight up and down what was going on, because she was dating a man who was in the military, and she was a fresh 18. We were both fresh 18, and he was like 23, or 24? Dating a fresh 18-year-old? I was like, this man is toxic. He's trying to hurt you. I was like, tell that man you don't date the elderly and move on with your life, because why is you as a 23 or a 24-year-old man dating an 18-year-old? That's you're a weirdo. You're a weirdo. I'm like, I'm 27, and I can't even imagine. I can't even imagine, like, there's so many different, like, you're in such a different phase of life when it's like, like somebody who just got out of high school, and you could have just got out of college, like, you're so weird. You're so strange. You're a weirdo. And she was like, he wasn't, he wasn't trying to be weird, but he said, but she told me that he kept trying to marry her. He wanted to marry her off really quickly, and she was like, no, I don't want to marry you. It's too soon. And I'm like, you don't see that as manipulation. You don't see, you don't see that. You don't see how that's manipulation. You don't see how they're trying to manipulate you and trap you in a marriage. So you can submit to him and do what he says. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And that's the thing, because I'm like, I knew, like, the way that, because we had stopped talking after I told her, like, I was like, tell her to stop date. I was like, you don't date the elderly. Tell that man, you don't date the elderly and move on, right? And she was like, why aren't you happy for me? And I was like, why would I, why would I be? And then I asked her, because her mama was like super strict. Her mom was super strict, because she had a boyfriend that was like a year younger than her. He was so in love with her. He was good. He was a good man, a good man, godly man. And he was supportive of her. He loved her. And she broke up with him because she was like, well, I want to like date around. I don't want to like, only be with one person. I was like, this is foolish. I was like, this is foolish. You're being foolish. I'm like, this is a good man. And he said that he was going to wait for her. And that's the thing that I think about all the time. He was like, I'll wait for you. I'll wait for you while you go and do all that. And you'll come back to me. I'm like, girl, because these streets, you know how hard it is to find a good man. Anyways, I just like, she really like. She really, she really took a turn for the worst. Like, she took a turn for the worst. Me and her were both saved. And we would talk about God together, but she just kind of like, I don't know, she loved the world. She wanted the world. She still wants the world. That's the thing I had like seen. I had found her Twitter on accident, like a couple years ago. And she's still living for the world doing worldly things, cussing, being provocative. And she stopped being friends with me because she was like, she was acting like she was like, holier than that when I told her that I was gay. And she was like, she kept throwing Bible verses at me. And literally, I was like, I had found her her Twitter. And I had my ministry going, and I was close with the Lord. And this was before me and Jesus even got together, right? So I was like, um, I was like, look at us. I'm like, she stopped being friends with me because I'm gay. And I'm like, look at, I'm like, she's literally on Twitter, cussing, being provocative, being, um, Horish. And here I am with a ministry preaching the gospel to the community. And I was like, could you look at how the tables have turned? And she acted like she was better than me. Look at how the tables have turned. And the Lord was like, don't, don't be like that. Just pray for her and move on. And I was like, okay, all right, all right, all right. All right. Because I'm just like, it was just she just like she completely changed. She completely changed. Excuse me. But literally throughout all of my life, I will make a whole bunch of friends. Or not really a bunch of friends, I would make friends and then they would leave. Or like, I could only keep a friend in like a specific area or like a specific situation or like say, I would make a friend in a class. But if we get out of that classroom, um, they would act like they didn't know me. They'd act like we weren't friends. And so, um, I couldn't keep a friend that lasted, like keep a friend that was like through and through and like that lasted. So it's just like it was always really hard for me to to keep a friend. So I knew that like my whole life, I was hidden and I was isolated. Did you hear my cat? He's yawning. Oh my gosh, Onyx. He was just asleep. He just woke up. But um, uh, I knew that with all of the, um, all of the hiddenness and isolation. You're making noise now. Onyx, I can't pet you right now. I'm, I'm speaking. Babe, hang on, y'all. Okay, so I'm back. I completely forgot what I was talking about, but I think I was saying that the isolation throughout my life, I know has led me to be closer to Jesus. Like I've always known that I was hidden my whole life. And that's what my first podcast episode is about, is about being hidden. And that talks about being hidden. And um, I've been hidden my whole life. My whole life has been really hard for me to make and keep friends. Um, I haven't had a friend since 2017. 2017. I haven't had a friend in years. In years. Years. Years. Years. Years. And I'm talking about like a real friend, not like a, a friend, a work friend. Uh, a friend you have in class and they don't speak to you outside of the class. I'm talking about a real friend, like an actual friend that I can talk to, that I can hit up and we can like actually like hang out and do stuff with since 2017. 2017. So it has been a very long time since I've had a friend. I have been, I mean besides Jesus of course. So I have just been, um, I have been by myself, me and Jesus, but me and Jesus for quite a while, quite a while. Quite a while. And in 2017, I got my cat. I got Onyx. So Onyx is kind of like my little buddy. Ever since I didn't have a friend, I got me a little buddy, a little cat buddy. So he keeps me company and listens to me when I talk sometimes. Even though he's, I mean, he's not bothering me now. Thank God. But, um, he, uh, stays with me, sleeps in my bed. So, um, yeah, God has been, I feel like God has been teaching me my whole life that he is good and like through my situations, like, and I don't know how to explain it because I can't remember everything that I've gone through with Jesus. But I feel like he's, he's taught me that he is good and that he tells me that he is good. And that's how I, because I used to, okay, okay, if we're going to get into the nitty gritty, the nitty gritty of my childhood, of my family life. Do I want to get into that? Do I want to talk about that? Um, I wrote about this in my book. So I guess I will. My parents were not the best emotionally. They still are not the best emotionally. My parents tell me that I can go to them if I get emotional. But when I get emotional and I go to them, they tell me to stop crying or they just can't really figure out why I'm emotional. And they don't really help me. So, um, they're not the best at all. They don't know how to access their emotions. My dad is a very angry man and all he shows is anger. So it's just like, they aren't the best. So I used to always lean on God. So God raised me. God raised me every time I had a problem, every time I had an issue. God would, I would talk to God and he would talk to me. And, um, and that's the thing. For most of them, most of the time, it wasn't like he wasn't talking back that often. Like it was mostly me doing all the talking. And like, I just knew he was with me by the way that like, say that I would ask my parents for something. And I didn't ask God for it first. My, my parents wouldn't give it to me. But say that I would pray to God first and I go to God first before I talk to my parents. I would ask God and I'd be like, God, can I have this? Can I have this please? And then I'll go and ask my parents for it. And he would give me the favor with my parents. And my parents would do stuff for me that I knew was because of God. It was God giving me favor with them. And, um, who I can't talk about. I can't talk about the real stuff. I can't talk about I've been through some things. But I can't, I can't talk about it. I can't talk about it because it hurts too much. And I'm kind of still in it. I'm kind of still in it. So I can't talk about it. And I didn't write about it in my book, which I thought I was going to. But I couldn't talk about it. I just can't talk about it. But, um, I've been through some things. And God was always there to help me. God was always there to help me. And be there for me. And be with me. He will listen to me. And he would help me. And, um, I don't know. Once I, um, once I realized I was gay though, because this is also in my book, which I shouldn't say too much about what's in my book. Once I realized I was gay, I left. But then I was still listening to God because I still love God and I still want it God to be in my life. And he was still talking to me. And he had told me to do some things that was like literally prophetic, like legitimately prophetic. And he had told me to like do some big faith walk things that I did for him. And, um, he had sent somebody to me when I was at work. He had sent a prophet to me. And she had told me and she was like, God likes it when you sing. And I was like, he does. And she was like, yeah. And I was like, I was like, I hate, I hated singing in the choir. I was like, I hated it because I used to sing in the choir at church. And I hated it. I hated it. The people were mean and the songs were old. And I hated it. I hated being on stage. I hated it. I hated being in the choir. And, um, um, she was like, no, you can just, you don't have to sing in the choir. She was like, you could just sing in general. He just loves to hear you sing. So I was like, okay. And I wasn't even cool with God at the time. But I remember I was like, because you said, I was like, because you told me that and you raised me. I'm like, I'm doing this out the string because you raised me. And I'm like, I know you raised me. So I'm gonna sing, I'm gonna sing some gospel music for you. So I would work at my other job because I had two jobs. And I would work at my other job because it allowed me to play music because I was a delivery driver. And I would play music in the car, play gospel music in the car. And I would just sing and each time. And that's the thing, because I would always tell myself, I'll be like, Oh, okay, I'm gonna play. I'm gonna play like one or two songs. I'm gonna do this for an hour. I'm gonna do this for an hour. And then I'm gonna cut it off. And then I'm gonna listen to my own music. But then I'll get so caught up in the music. I would be like, I would, I would do it the whole time. And I'd be out there for like five hours singing gospel music for five, six hours. And so I kept singing gospel music singing and singing and singing and singing and singing and singing. And the Lord would speak to me through the music. And I remember specifically, there's this one song that he would tell me all the time. And it was like, nothing can stop the favor of the Lord. Nothing can stop the favor of the Lord. Nothing can stop the favor of the Lord. It's unstoppable. Unstoppable. And he would sing to me with that song. And he would tell me like, because I was running away from him. And he was, um, he was telling me like, look, you're favored by God. And I want you. And nothing's gonna stop that. Nothing's gonna get in the way of that. He's like, I want you back. And I was just like, I don't know. I don't know. But um, uh, um, I just lost my turn of thought. Excuse me. So he sang me that song. And I was like, I don't know. And, um, he was speaking to me through a whole bunch of different things. Um, I was doing tarot at the time. And he was speaking to me through tarot. I was doing, I was in, and this was when I was in college. So I was in college and they would have, it was, I went to a Christian college, which I didn't know. And that's the thing. I didn't know it was a Christian college at the time. Because if I knew it was a Christian college, I would have never went. So, um, I was going to a Christian college and they had, um, seminars or like, events. There we go. They had events, um, where they would have queer Christians come, to come talk about their faith in their faith in God, right? And I would go to all of these events because I had to go because they were a part of my class classes. My class has forced us to go to these events. And so I was like, uh, I hate doing this, but here I am. And so I was like, I went to the Christian and queer Christian events. And, um, which now I realize that's a pretty liberal Christian college that I went to. And they helped me come back to God. And so, um, they had queer Christians talking. And every single one of those queer Christians, it doesn't matter if they were gay, lesbian, bi, trans, whatever. They had talked about how they left a faith and then they came back. And I was like, is this a hoax? Like, is this a joke? Like, I was like, what? Like, why is all these people coming back to Christ? Like, what are you talking about? Like, I was like, I'm like, they tell us that God hates gay people. He hates the gay. So why are you coming back to Christ? Like, I legit was so confused. And I was like, this doesn't make any sense at all. And I remember being so angry and just being like, y'all are self-hating. I'm like, they're self-hating. They're self-hating. And so after I kept going to these events, I realized that I was like, okay, so they're not going for the people. They're going to they're going to experience God's presence. And I was like, this doesn't make any sense to me. Because doesn't God hate gay people? I mean, they told me that God hates gay people, right? But then it was like, after one of these events, I had like, I had like a fire. There was like a fire within me. And I was like, I'm tired of it. And I was just like, I had ended up talking to God. I went home and I prayed the realest prayer I have ever prayed in my life. I was always too scared to talk to God in a real way. But I came home and I prayed to God. And I told him how angry I was, how pissed off I wasn't him for making me gay, how angry I wasn't him for him hating gay people. I was like, I'm pissed off. I'm angry. I was like, and I was like, and I don't like you for making me gay. You ruined my life. I hate you. Like, I was just like, saying a whole bunch of stuff. And it was the realest, the realest prayer I had ever prayed so far in my life. And then the Lord was speaking to me heavy. And he was telling me, go to church. Read your Bible. Go to church and read your Bible. Go to church and read your Bible. And so I was just like, Lord, I don't want to do this. I don't want to do that. And so he got me to, I was like, because I was scared to go to church, honestly. And even though my church is like a small church, it's kind of a mega church, to be honest, in a small way. It's like a medium mega church. It's just a medium mega church. So it's like, it's not like people knew who I was. But I was still scared to go because I was like, are they going to smell the gay on me? Are they going to smell the homosexual? Are they going to cast me out? Are they going to judge me? And so I can't thank y'all. It's hard for me to talk. It's been hard for me to talk lately. I go to church and I give my life to Christ. This is basically all in my book. I'm telling too much of what's in my book right now. Y'all need to go and read my book. I'll give you all some tea that's for free. I'm basically telling y'all what I put in my book. But I give my life to Christ. I'm going to just be vague now. Because go read my book. My book is good. It took me some time to write my book. Go read my book. It's called Who Told You That Got Was Homophobic. It's available on Amazon, paperback and e-book. Go check it out. But essentially, he told me it's not a son of a gay. I come to Christ. He told me it's not a son of a gay. Then he tells me to start my ministry. Not to work. He tells me not to work and to start my ministry. So this is where things start getting heated in my house because my family believes that I haven't heard from God because why would God tell you not to work? Why would God tell you to do this? Start this ministry and this in the ministry and then giving you no money. But my family didn't believe that I was hearing from God and then like two years into doing my ministry, I start developing feelings for Jesus and then Jesus and I get together and that's the thing. My ministry because I'm hidden, Jesus is so like God is so protective of me when it comes to like and I feel like this is what I've been trying to say. I feel like I'm saying a whole bunch of stuff but I'm not saying what I want to say. I feel like God is very protective of me because I've been hidden. He doesn't let me around just anybody. Like there are so many people where God like just he does not let me around just anybody. So it's like anytime there's like riff-raff or like people who suck, he is like removing them from my life immediately. Like God knows how to eject somebody from my life or even just from a season like for a season like it'll be like okay like and I'll know it and it'll be like okay you can you can be friends with this person but know that they're gonna leave and I'll be like okay and it's like it's just like you know he'll let me know that like these people aren't gonna stay in my life because I remember that's what he told me with with one of my closest best friends that I was really close with and like he had told me he was like y'all are gonna stop being friends at one point and I remember there was even a time where we had an issue and I was like is it time now Lord? He was like no not yet and then we had another issue where she had like I had invited her to my house and she left me to go hang out with her other friends and she would never do that for me like her friends would go to where I lived and they would like hang out all the time literally minutes from my house they would hang out and she would never come get me or never invite me with them or never do anything with them but as soon as she comes to my house she was like oh I want to go hang out with them I want to go like see what they're doing because I'm like I'm so close to them and I was just like okay you can go and I'm like I'm not gonna force you to stay with me if you don't want to stay with me and so I went into my room and I remember this vividly I was in my room and I was talking to the Lord and I was like is it time Lord and he was like yes it's time and I started to cry and I cried really hard because I was really close to her and I realized like over the years and even that's the thing like it's like we have been friends for so long and I would look back at our old text messages and I would just notice how I was always the one putting in the work and I was always the one checking in on her and I was always the one doing like certain things for her or like but she would never do those things for me and I was just like sad sad face but um but the Lord has always like protected me from people like that and I feel like he is like he's hiding me for a good reason because I'm a good person and like I'm a sensitive person and um but I don't know why he's keeping me with my family to be honest like I feel like I I don't know I know what's like to grow me in a sense and to like say like do stuff for your enemies or whatever like grow you into being a good person because because like things the things with my family my family had taught me the biggest lessons on how to be a good person because I know that the way that they treated me I hated I hated the way that they treated me and I never wanted to ever treat somebody else like that or to have someone think of me the way that I think of my family like I never wanted to be someone's burden or be someone's pain or be someone's like agony I never wanted that never never so it was just like I know that they teach me to like be a better person and to be um better than those around me but um I don't know I don't know um Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, I went back so far that I went back so far but that's what I feel like God does for me because that's what he he hides me and he keeps me safe from people even on my podcast like once I started getting personal on my podcast my view started to drop and I know that he was he's hiding me from from the people who aren't sensitive enough to to be able to listen to my inner thoughts because I'm special I'm special to him and I know that he cares about me and he cares about the people who are around me and he doesn't like just anybody look at my ministry he doesn't like just anybody talk to me so I know that each thing is like is purposeful and intentional but I feel like I am talking y'all's ear off and I do apologize it's even it just gave me a notification long recording detected long recording detected it just gave me a notification so I don't even know if I can even record too long it's getting too long I guess I'm gonna do a part two I'm gonna do a part two because I spoke too long I talked too much about my early days so I'm gonna talk about my more recent days and I'm gonna talk about the prophecy and things of that nature so yeah sorry sorry I didn't get into what I really wanted to get into but y'all heard some tea from my book so but um if you made it all the way to the end of the podcast thank you for listening and if you'd like to find me online I have a website and a blog called the Bible is inclusive.com which hosts my blog posts about Christianity I have a book it's called Who Told You That Got With homophobic and that's available on paperback and ebook the paperback is only on Amazon and the ebook is available on Amazon Apple Books Barnes and Noble, Cobo, Scribd, and other retailers I have a sermon notes journal that's available only on Amazon and you can find that by searching my name Jaima in the search bar and it should come up. I have an Instagram and the @ is the Bible is inclusive I have a Twitter or an X and that @ is Bible inclusive. If you want to become a Christian I have a podcast episode titled How to Become a Christian and you can say the prayer that's in that episode and you can become a Christian. If you would like to donate to me I have my cash up in my windmill in the description and you can go to the website that's in the description as well. You can also go to my website and donate through my website but know that if you donate through my website they don't give me all of the money they take some of the money away from me so keep that in mind if you're going to donate through my website. But yeah thank you for making it all the way to the end of the podcast and I love you and Jesus loves you too so thank you part two on the way part two on the way so thank you.