Unpurifi3d: The Ramblings of a Black Queer Christian

I Bleached My Hair!

I talk about how I bleached my hair and other things.

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Broadcast on:: 12 Sep 2024
Audio Format:: other

Hello, my name is Jayama and you're listening to Unpurified the Ramlings of a Black Queer Christian. For today's episode of the podcast, I just wanted to let you guys know that I dyed my hair. I bleached my hair and my hair didn't fall out, so I'm really happy about that. But when I bleached my hair, it didn't come out as bright as I wanted it to. So I'm really like sad about that, to be honest. I'm sad about that, but it's still blonde. It's technically blonde. I might take a picture of it and post it on Instagram. But, um, I don't know, I don't really like taking pictures of myself. As you all can see, there's only like one picture of me on Instagram. So, I don't really like taking pictures of myself. I don't know. I feel happier. I feel happier and I think it's because I finally did something for myself that I've been wanting to do for a really long time. And, um, it came out pretty okay. And I didn't really talk to my family today. They saw my hair and they liked it, but I didn't really, I didn't really like it as much, but like I said, I'm happy that I'm happy that my back. I'm happy that it's as bright as it is now. Maybe I'll post it on my stories. Maybe I'll post a picture on my stories instead of on my Instagram. I don't know. I don't really like taking pictures of myself as I keep saying. But, um, I wanted to dye my hair pink. So, I have to wait because the level of pink that I want my hair to be, my hair has to be brighter. It has to be a brighter bleachy, bleachy or blonde. Brighter blonde. And I have to wait like two or three weeks for my hair to be able to be bleached again. So, I'm gonna I'm gonna all of my needs he will supply. I'm gonna wait before I dye my hair pink. He's elshed dye. Every little thing's gonna be alright. We may only last one night. I keep being up and down as y'all notice. Excuse me. Like I said, I didn't really talk to my family today. So, I feel like I'm in a good mood and I feel happy. Today is the same day that my mom asked me for more money. I think it's just that I know I'm going to be able to escape this place eventually. And I want to take a break from my family and if I have to go on suicide watch to take a break from my family, then that's what I'm gonna do. Because it's not as if I don't have suicidal thoughts. If I have to go back to the psych ward to take a break from my family, then that's what I'm gonna do. Because I really just want to get out of this house. Like I really want to leave this house so bad. Like so bad, but I want somebody else to pay for it. I want someone else to pay for it. Hang on y'all. Okay, I was throwing something away. Okay, but I really need to get away. I really need to get away. And maybe if I go and put myself on suicide watch, they'll give me some resources. To assist in living places, places that help mentally ill people. So I don't know, I feel like I need to time this right because I need to time it when I'm like not in therapy. Saying my therapist has to take a day off or something. And then I'll self-report myself to be on suicide watch. Well, they make me take my clothes off. I really hate when they do that. I don't know what it's like. I'm gonna Google it. Because suicide watch at a hospital seems like it'll be better than a suicide watch at a psych ward. I really hope they don't send me to the psych ward for suicide watch. Because I want to go to the hospital where they give me food. They give me food, and maybe there's a TV in my room, I think. I don't know. Do they have TVs in their room? In the hospital. I haven't been in the hospital in so long. When I went to the hospital, when I went to the psych ward, like there was like a special psych ward part of the hospital where I went to this other hospital. It wasn't the one that sneered me. It was a different hospital. And they had like, it was just a chair in a room. That was it. It was just a chair in an empty room. It was so weird. It didn't give me no blankets or nothing. And I wasn't trying to fall asleep. I was too scared to fall asleep because I thought that I was possessed. And so I like, I um, I kept trying to stay awake, but I fell asleep there. And I don't know how it happened. Like, I was just on the bed and I just fell asleep. I guess because I had just been up for so long. And like, my body just shut down completely. And then once I got to the psych ward, I stayed up all night and I didn't go to sleep at all. So um, it was, it was something, it was something. It was something when I went to the psych ward, when I went to the hospital. It was something, but I don't know, I don't know what it's like to be if they give you, if they let you keep your phone or not. I really wish, because I'm like, there are some psych wards that let you keep your phone. But the psych ward, I went to, they didn't let you have your phone. So I'm going to Google it guys. I'm going to do my research before I admit myself. Because I really just, I need a vacation. And I'm crazy. So I can do this. There's got to be somebody else who's done this. I just really need some time away from my family and they can take care of my cat. I feel like Onyx will be okay. He'll be all right. I'll clean his litter box before I go. Every little thing is going to be all right. You may only last one night. I think there's a TV in there, Ro. I think there's a TV in there. And then I'll stay there for three days. And then maybe they'll adjust my meds. I definitely need some new anxiety medication. Because my anxiety medication does not work. It does not work. And I keep taking it, hoping that it'll do something. But it does not work. And I needed to tell my doctor. I need to tell my doctor. I need to tell my doctor. I need to tell my doctor. But I know that there are people who care about me and I'm trying to put my faith in that there are people who care about me. Because when I talk to the lady, I don't know if I told you all this on the last maybe two couple episodes ago, I talked to somebody from the suicide hotline. And I told her part of my situation, I didn't tell her I was the bride of Christ, but I told her about how my family doesn't believe in me anymore. And she was really nice and she was like, it seems like you feel upset that they dismiss you when you come to them with things. And I was like, yes, I do. I do feel upset about that. I get really upset about that because it's like I'm trying to talk to them about things that I love and things that are important to me. And they dismiss me and they don't believe me and they say I'm crazy. So it's hard, but I have to realize that Jesus' family didn't believe in him either. And I don't even think all of his siblings believed in him even after the fact. I know James did, his brother, because James has a book, but we don't know about any of the rest. If his sister's even believed in him, they don't even mention his sister's names or how many sisters he has. But we know there's at least two because it's Pearl. Mary was... Jesus had like four brothers and at least two sisters. Mary was having children. She was having children. And they don't show none of his siblings on the chosen. And I don't know why. There's a lot of stuff in the Bible that the chosen doesn't show. So I'm like, I don't know what they're doing. Honestly, I don't know what they're doing with the show. Especially after this season. I don't know if you guys have watched the current season, but I was like, there's so much extra stuff in there that's like not biblical that they put in the show. And I'm like, as a person who has read through three of the Gospels now, three of the Gospels out of the four. Technically, I have read all four Gospels before because I read through the entire New Testament before. It's just, it's a little weird seeing that. It's a little weird. It's a little weird. A little weird. A little weird. Seeing all of that. But I do like seeing a personification of Jesus. Like I like when I can see like the guy who plays Jesus. Because that's the thing, even though Jesus is Black, he kind of looks like him. Because like he has like kind eyes, like the actor who plays where Jesus has kind eyes and he has soft features. And that's what Jesus has. Jesus has soft features. And like when you look at Jesus, he literally looks like a nice guy. Like you can see it in his face that he's a nice guy. And you can just see it. And I was like, of course you look like this. Like when he showed me that in the dream that he looked like that, I was like, oh, of course you look like a nice guy. You are a nice guy. Because I thought he was going to have like rough, angular features. I thought he was going to have like a strong jaw and like a strong face. But he doesn't, he has soft features. It's soft nose, soft lips, soft chin. He has soft features. And I was like, this is my Jesus. This is my little baby. My little baby. My little baby. My little baby. A little cry baby. He's such a cry baby. He is such a cry baby. Which is why we're still together. Which is why we've been together for so long. We were together for so long. That man knows how to cry. He is not ashamed to beg. He is not too proud to beg. He is not too proud to beg, which I love. I love a beggar. I love what you tell your men. I love me a man who will get on his hands and knees. Look me in my eyes while you beg for me. I love it so much. I love it so much. So much. So much. Like I said, I'm going to look up. I'm going to look up suicide watch hospital suicide watch and see what they do. Because if they make you stay, what's their determination? Isn't only three days. Do they transfer you to a psych ward? I need to know. So I'm going to Google it. And like I said, hopefully they'll give me some resources about assistant living. Maybe they'll give me some resources about group therapy. I don't know. Like I said, all I need is a break. I just need a break. I need a break. I need a break. I feel like my brain is is doing some things. My brain is doing some things because I need a break. It's been too long since I've been on vacation. I need a vacation. I need a vacation. I need a vacation. And hotels cost too much money. Hotels cost too much money. I need a vacation, especially now with this new bill that I have to pay. And I don't get enough food stamps. It's just, you know, it's just wonderful being me. Wonderful, wonderful being me, wonderful, wonderful being me. So, you know, you know, you know, one of these days I'm going to talk about, I'm going to talk about God and how God views me because I really want to talk about that. But I don't know. I kind of want to make it a separate episode. I don't want to just like attach it to the back end of this one. But I don't know. I don't know. It also like makes me anxious to think about like the way talking about like how God views me makes me anxious. Talking about like God in general makes me anxious. Because I am so afraid of you guys thinking that I think that I'm better than you. Like, I'm so afraid of you guys thinking that like I am better than you. I don't know how to say that in a different way. Because I don't think that I'm better than you, but I'm afraid that you guys think that would think that I'm pompous or think that I'm like egotistical. And I'm not like that at all. At all. Literally at all. And I'm just like, I want to talk about how God views me and how he sees me and how he's treated me my whole life because I'm trying to grow my faith. I'm trying to grow my faith into trusting him again. But to trust him again, I have to talk about who he is to me. And I have to like point out some of the things that he's done for me. And I just, I don't want to do all of that. And then I don't want you guys going away from that feeling like, oh, she's so, she's so egotistical. You know, like she's so Why are they so like that? Why do they talk about themselves like that? Why do they talk about why I mean, like, you know what I mean? And I guess, like, if you've been following along, I'm literally suicidal. So I guess you guys would know that I'm not egotistical. Because if I was, then maybe I wanted to want to kill myself. But, um, I don't know, I don't know. I do want to talk about it though. But I think I'm going to do that. But in a separate episode, so that it's its own thing. It's own thing. It's not tainted by anything else. I can just listen to it and just be like, yeah, this is how God views me. This is how he loves me. This is how he talks to me. This is how he cares for me. Because it's like, it's easy to focus on the negative. It's so easy because there's a lot of negative. But there is a lot of good that God has done for me, especially with my ministry. Like, my ministry is really popping off. Like, it is actually kind of crazy how much my ministry is like, my ministry is like popping off. And it's like the first, um, the first website that pops up on Google for a lot of searches. And so it's just like, it's just, it's really wonderful how God is, how God is moving. And I'm not even like doing that much with my ministry. So I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It's just, it's cool seeing my stuff like grow. It's cool seeing it grow. I wish my book would grow. That's something I wish. I wish my book would grow partly because I want some money. I will say mostly because I want some money, not mostly. I'm not going to say mostly. I'm not going to say mostly partly because I want some money, but partly because I really feel like nobody preaches the gospel in the same way that I've preached that gospel, the queer gospel. Nobody uses scripture and I use scripture. Everybody focuses on the, the clobber passages. And I'm showing you through other scripture, literally read the rest of the Bible. And I'm showing you through other scripture how God says that he loves us and he cares about us and he, he wants the best for us and he made us all equally and he loves all of us. So I'm like, if you read the rest of the Bible, you can tell that they mistranslated this verse. So it's just, you know, excuse me. Okay. Okay, guys. Okay, guys. Like I said, I might take a picture of my hair and post it on Instagram for you guys to see. I might keyword is might. I might do that. But yeah, I might put myself on suicide watch. I'm going to Google, um, I'm gonna Google. So as I watch this hospital eyes, suicide watches. And I'm gonna, I don't know. I have no idea. I have no idea. One of these days, I'm going to talk about how God feels about me. I'm probably gonna do it tomorrow. I'll probably do it tomorrow because it's late. I'm going to talk about how God feels about me and the prophecy and things of that nature because it makes me anxious. Talking about the prophecy makes me anxious. It makes me anxious. It makes me anxious. So I'm going to go to bed. Now I'm gonna look up some stuff and then I'm gonna go to bed and then tomorrow I will talk about how God views me so that I can, um, give myself a little bit of faith, give myself a little bit of hope. But this time is a little bit happier. I'm a little bit happier today. I bleached my hair and I'll put that as the title because I can't think of what to say for this. I bleached my hair. And so maybe in the next couple of days I'll take a good picture and I'll post it online. So yeah, if you made it all the way to the end of the podcast, thank you for listening. And if you would like to find me online, I have a website and a blog called thebibleisinclusive.com, which hosts blog posts that are about Christianity. Um, I have a book. It's called Who Told You That Got Was Homophobic. That's available on paperback and e-book. The paperback is only on Amazon. The e-book is on Amazon, Apple Books, Barnes and Noble, Cobo, Script and other retailers. I have a sermon notes journal that's only on Amazon and you can find that by searching my name, Jaima in the search bar and the sermon notes journal will pop up. If you would like to become a Christian, you can look at the podcast episode that's called How to Become a Christian and you can look at the, say, the prayer that's in that podcast episode and you can become a Christian. If you have an Instagram, my @ is the Bible is inclusive. If you have a Twitter or an X, my @ is Bible inclusive. And, um, if you'd like to donate to me, my cash app and my Venmo are in the bio or you can go to the website that says support me at the bottom and you can go to there or you can go to my website and click on the donate tab. But if you donate to me through my website, my website doesn't give me all of your donation. It takes some of the money away from me. So just keep that in mind. If you want to donate to me through my website, so cash app and Venmo are preferred for me. So, um, uh, yeah, um, thank y'all for listening. And I love you and Jesus loves you too. So thank you.