Unpurifi3d: The Ramblings of a Black Queer Christian
A Depressing Update
I talk about my life.
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- Broadcast on:
- 11 Sep 2024
- Audio Format:
- other
Hello, my name is Shiyama and you're listening to Unpurified The Ramblings of Black Queer Christian. For today's episode of the podcast, I'm just gonna vent. I'm just gonna talk about what I'm going through. Do my daily check-in. Today's a day after I went to the restaurant with my mom and my mom talked to me and said that I need to start paying on a huge bill that she's paying for my student loans. And I only get $600 a month. My dad asked for $250 a month of my $600. And then my mom's asking for close to $100. So most of the money that I have is going to be going towards my parents. And they talk to me and they say that they can't afford to pay my bills so they want more money from me even though I don't have that much money to begin with. And I'm just annoyed and upset because I can barely survive on the money that I have to begin with. I still have bills too in the act like I don't have bills too. So, I'm just going to struggle, I guess. And I probably can't even go on the vacation that I want to go on. So, that really sucks. I think I'm just going to set myself up and go to the hospital for three days, maybe four days if they keep me there. Because I need a break from my family. And I feel like if I just go to the hospital and go on suicide watch, it'll give me the break that I need. Because I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm just I'm annoyed. And I can't do anything from me. I want to do something from me. But guys, I called the suicide hotline. I didn't call them. I texted them, which I didn't even know you could do. I texted the suicide hotline last night. And I was so sleepy that we didn't get to talk much, which I'm really upset about. But I just feel really depressed. I feel really depressed. And this is a downer of an episode. I'm sorry that I'm not chipper. I'm sorry that I'm not the best food. I'm really sad, and I just want to listen to sad music. And cry. I'm tired of being financially poor. I'm tired of being schizophrenic. I'm tired of being suicidal. I'm tired of being depressed. I think I'm going to have to go on antidepressants. Because it's not doing enough. My medicine isn't doing enough. It's not doing enough. I am really depressed. And I feel like only my therapist understands me. And hopefully you guys, I don't really get responses from you guys, so I'm just kind of so me. But I do feel that little resurgence in my soul that I get. There were surgeons where my spirit takes over and it tells me that everything is going to be okay. I think I'm going to take a nap after this. Because I just feel overwhelmed and overstimulated. So I'm just so like. I feel like such a downer. And I'm used to being someone who uplifts people and gives them joy and peace and empathy. But I feel like I can't do that because I don't have it within me. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I don't have that within me anymore. I'm sorry that I can't be the person that I used to be. I'm sorry that I just can't prophesy and just speak a word from God. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just upset and I'm sad. But I'm really trying to save my life. I am struggling to save my life. I am fighting through the mud to keep myself alive. I am trying really hard to keep myself alive. I need to make a budget. So I think I'm going to go do that in budget. Because I need to go make a budget. Excuse me, I don't like my updates to be short. I feel like they're just short little depressing moments and I just leave. So let me try to say something positive even though I feel like crap. I know that Jesus is still with me and he's still near me. The Bible says that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. So I know that he's close to me right now. And he keeps telling me everything's going to be okay. So I guess I'm just going to have to believe him. I'm giving a stipend from SSI. They don't give me enough money to survive. And my parents asked for most of it. But hopefully I'm going to be able to find an assistant living place to live. I want to live at an assistant living place. So that I can be taken care of. I want to be taken care of. And I'm not being taken care of here. I want someone who's going to come and listen to me. Talk is going to be there for me. And I guess that's what I have with Jesus. Jesus is there for me emotionally. Jesus is there for me. Jesus is there for me. Jesus is there for me. Jesus is there for me. I'm just... I'm upset. But I think I'm just going to listen to music to make myself feel better. And if I have to listen to sad music, then I'll listen to sad music. I think this is all I have to say. I don't have much that I want to say. I have a depressing update. I'm depressed. I'm suicidal. I'm schizophrenic. I'm all these things. I'm anxious. I have all these things. But I know one day I'm going to feel better. One day, one day I'm going to feel better. And that's all that matters. So hopefully I'll feel better one day. Also, my mom is calling to see if they can get my loan forgiven because I'm disabled, which I asked her to do months ago because my dad did that for his loan. So hopefully... She can do it for her loan. So I'm just going to pray and ask God that my loan gets forgiven because I can't work because I'm schizophrenic. There's that, but anyway, as y'all, I'm sorry for being so depressing. I'm sorry that I'm not the person that I used to be. I really am sorry about that. But if you made it all the way to the end of the podcast, thank you for listening. If you want to find me online, have a website and a blog called thebibleisinclusive.com that hosts my Christian post that I have heard from God. I have a book, it's called Who Told You That Got Was Homophobic, and that's available on paperback and e-book. But the paperback is only on Amazon, and the e-book is on Amazon, Apple Books, Barnes & Noble, Kubo, Script, and other retailers. I have a Sermonauts journal, and that's available only on Amazon. You can find that by searching my name, Jaima, in the search bar, and the Sermonauts journal will come up. I can't think. If you want to become a Christian, I have a podcast episode that you can listen to that says how to become a Christian. You can say the prayer that's in that podcast episode, and you can become a Christian. I have an Instagram, it's the Bible is Inclusive @, thus the @, and the Twitter or @x @ is Bible Inclusive. If you'd like to donate to me, I have my cash app in my Venmo in the bio, and you can click on the link in the description. Or you can go to my website and click donate and donate through there, but know that if you donate through my website, they take some of the money away from me, so I don't get all of the money. So yeah, it's really annoying, but that's a fact of the matter. If you made it all the way to the end, thank you for listening. Thank you. I hope I didn't depress you too much, and I'm sorry if I did. But I love you, and Jesus loves you, so thank you for listening.