Unpurifi3d: The Ramblings of a Black Queer Christian
The Root Of My Problems
I talk about the main thing that bothers me.
thebibleisinclusive.com cashapp: $GiveEmSomeMoney venmo: @GiveEmSomeMoney
Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/unpurifi3d/support
- Broadcast on:
- 10 Sep 2024
- Audio Format:
- other
Hello, my name is Jayama and you're listening to Unpurified the Ramblings of a Black Queer Christian. For today's episode of the podcast, I just wanted to share you guys that I had a little revelation. I just got out of therapy, like literally just got home from therapy. And I was talking to Jesus and I realized that I don't feel safe in my home. And it's something I knew but I realized that all of my negative thoughts, all of my anxiety, all of the bad feelings I get come from being inside of my house. Whenever I leave to go to therapy and I'm in therapy and I feel safe and I feel secure and I feel loved and I don't feel judged, I feel happy. But then when I leave to go home, I feel okay in the car because it's just me and Jesus in the car. But then once I get home, I'm like, "Oh, I'm home. That sucks. I hate being at home." And I just get upset. I get upset that I'm around people that I can't trust and then the dark thoughts come in and the suicidal thoughts come in and then I feel like I'm being surrounded and enclosed by them because I can't talk to my family about how I feel, about Jesus, about our relationship, about Christianity, I can't talk to them about anything. So I've been trying to find a hotel to stay in for a couple of days just so I can get my mind right and I can't find a hotel that's in my price range that has all the amenities that I want and I'm just so upset but I'm trying not to be discouraged and I think I'm just going to have to spend more money this time, which I'm upset about. I'm going to spend less time there and spend more money but I really want to spend some time in a hotel by myself with just me and Onyx so that we can just relax and have fun and just talk to Jesus and I have three, three days, three or four days where I can just talk to Jesus, so that's what I want. I just I really want to spend either three or four days where I can just talk to Jesus and have fun with Jesus and laugh with Jesus. My therapist said that I should look into Airbnb's but I feel like Airbnb's are so weird. I've always seen so many bad, bad reviews about Airbnb's like so many horror stories about Airbnb's so I'm just like I don't want to stay in Airbnb, I want to stay in a hotel, hotels just feel safer to me, they feel safer and their staff there, their security there I just feel safer in a hotel. So I think I'm going to stay in a hotel, I might look up the prices of Airbnb's just to see the price range of what I'm looking at but it's like also staying in somebody's house is like so weird to me, I don't want to stay in somebody's house and I feel like I'm too loose like it's too loose, it's too loose like on too loose in the air, too loose, too up in the air, I'm too loose by myself to be in an Airbnb, too loose, I don't like all that. If I were to get a Airbnb I would have booked it with somebody where somebody can watch me but I'm by myself so I want to make sure I'm at a hotel that's safe and secure and nice but I feel like Google is like the worst search engine when it comes to hotels because I'll click I'll be like pet friendly hotels and then they'll give me a list of hotels and then I'll click on the website and then they'll say no pets allowed and I'm like why? Why would you put this under pet friendly? I might just have to stay at the same hotel that I stayed in the last time and just figure out and just pay the extra price, the price you got to pay, pay the extra price. I don't know, I'm really trying to figure it out but I realized again, like I said, since I don't feel safe at home I realized that that's why I don't feel safe with Jesus. I don't feel safe with him because I don't feel safe at home and I feel like he has me trapped here, he has me trapped here and I don't feel safe here and he won't let me leave but I feel like he will let me leave if I find a place to stay. I've been looking at like wanting to go to assisted living. I want to live in assisted living because I need help, I need help but there's no place that I've found so far that accepts people that are this young. So I'm trying to find an assisted living place that accepts young people and people with mental illnesses and not physical illnesses. So that's what I'm trying to do because I want to go somewhere where people cook for me. I need somebody who's going to cook for me, who cooks me a meal because I don't feel like cooking most of the time and I eat trash all the time. I eat garbage, not actual garbage but I eat terrible food, I eat food that's bad for me and I need to eat healthier but I don't know how and I don't know where to start. So my mom is calling me, I'm going to let it rain though. It's raining for a long time. I don't know if you guys can hear it. Usually you guys can't hear it but I'm going to turn the phone on silent anyways. Onyx, Onyx, Onyx, Oh my gosh. He just dropped the painting. What do you have to say for yourself? Nothing. My cat, why do I want to bring him with me? Nobody takes good care of him like I do though. Nobody loves him like I do. You're being a bad boy and I'm going to put you up after I finish doing this. Do you have anything to say? Nothing. Actually let me pause this, I'm going to put him up. Okay guys I'm back. I'm out of breath though. I'm out of shape. I took my braids out and I'm going to bleach my hair. I want to dye a pink. I've been wanting to dye my hair pink for a really long time. I haven't done anything, dyed anything to my hair and so long and like years, literally years. So I'm going to bleach my hair which I am so scared of. I haven't bleached my hair. Everything I've done has been lifters. I've lifted my hair but I haven't bleached my hair yet and I'm going to bleach my hair and dye it pink because that's what I want and I'm scared that my hair is going to fall off but my hair is pretty strong and it's kind of hard for it to turn. It takes a while for it to lighten up because it's strong like goya. That's what I want to do. I want to dye my hair. I don't really have much should I want to say being at home really is a drag. It sucks talking to my family sucks and I wish I wasn't therapy right now talking to my therapist but I'm not so I don't know I need to call my mom back so but I wanted to give you guys my daily my daily update and maybe oh my gosh I realize that that's why I keep going back and forth in my faith. I keep going back and forth in my faith because I don't trust my home. I don't feel safe in my home and every time I feel like I want to trust God I just think and I look at one of my family members and I think about how they don't believe me and how they think I'm crazy and then I stop believing and that's why I keep being wishy-washy wishy-washy wishy-washy wishy-washy but I have to stop caring about what they think so I'm going to stop caring about what they think and how they think of me and I'm just gonna be crazy. I'll just be crazy. I'll just be crazy. I'll just be crazy for me. I remember when I smiled my mind. There was something so special about that place. The craziness has begun sooner or later sooner or later I'm going to tell my parents that I'm married to Jesus again sooner or later and they're not going to believe me and they're gonna try to send me to the psych ward and maybe I'll welcome it. Maybe I'll welcome it because I need a break from them. I need a break. Hey guys my sister just barged into my room and told me that my mom wants to go to a restaurant so I'm gonna go with her even though I have to pay. I have to pay to go which sucks but I want to go eat because I'm hungry and I've been wanting to go to this place for a while so I'm gonna go. This will be the end of the podcast. Thank y'all for listening. Excuse me oh my gosh. If you want to find me online I have a website and a blog called the Bible is occlusive.com and that's where I host my Christian blog post. I have a book. It's called Who Told You That Got What's Homophobic and that's available on paperback and e-book and that's on Amazon and the e-book is on Amazon Apple Books, Barnes and Noble, Cobo, Scribd and other retailers and the paperback is just on Amazon. I have a seminar notes journal that's only on Amazon and you can find that by searching my name Jaimma in the search bar and it'll come up. I have an Instagram and the ad is the Bible is occlusive. I have a Twitter or an X and the ad is Bible inclusive. If you want to become a Christian you can look at the podcast episode that's titled How to Become a Christian. You can say the prayer that's in that, that's in that podcast episode and you can become a Christian. If you would like to donate to me I have my cash app and my Venmo in the bio and you can click the link that's in the description to donate to me and you can go to my website and click the donate tab and donate to me that way but know that if you donate to me through my website they don't give me all the money which sucks. They don't give me all the money so if you do that just to let you know I prefer cash app or Venmo because my website takes the money away from me. That's everything. I can't really talk. Thank you for listening. I love you and Jesus loves you too so thank you for listening. [BLANK_AUDIO]