Unpurifi3d: The Ramblings of a Black Queer Christian
I Have A Conundrum
I talk about an issue that I have.
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- Broadcast on:
- 09 Sep 2024
- Audio Format:
- other
Hello, my name is Jayama and you're listening to Unpurified, the ramblings of a Black queer Christian. For today's episode of the podcast, I just wanted to talk about a conundrum that I have. And I wanted to share with you guys this conundrum because I'd just been thinking about it and it's just been in my brain and racking my brain and I just I need to air it out with somebody. Okay, so you guys know how I made that declaration that I was like I'm just going to excuse me I'm just going to believe that there's only one bride of Christ and that I'm the bride of Christ and I was just gonna firmly firmly grasp it firmly grasp this belief and believe it right and I was just going to decide that I believe this. And ever since I made that decision I technically have been happier I have been happier and it's been noticeable but it's been making me think and I'm like I feel like if this is if I need to believe something on X. Oh my gosh. Every time, every time. There's my son making an entrance but I kind of lost my train of thought. I feel like if I need to believe this in order to be happy, does this mean that I'm believing the wrong thing? Does this mean that I'm believing something wrong or it does this mean that I'm believing something right because it's giving me joy and it's giving me peace? Maybe I'm just not used to good things and it's giving me peace and that's the thing each time every time I talk to God and I tell him maybe we should break up and I just treat you like I'm a regular worshipper and I'm like maybe we should break up while I figure this out and then he'll send me music and he'll tell me not to have to break up with him and that he was like this there's this one song that he sent me and it was like you can leave but just don't turn around because you'll see me crying. You'll see me crying. You can leave me but don't turn around. I don't like you such a cry baby. He's such a cry baby. Sounds like it makes me not want to leave him. So I'll be like okay I'm not gonna leave but I'm just like I don't know because like I said the I feel like the bible hints at this prophecy but it's like in the smallest of ways in the smallest ways and like in the way that Jesus talks in the way that he never calls his disciples the bride John the Baptist never called himself the bride and John the Baptist even mentioned the bride and said that the bride didn't belong to him and Jesus even in that last podcast episode I showed you guys where he was talking about a feast and saying telling people not to sit at the best spot in this feast because you never know someone more important than you might show up. So I'm like I feel like he's hinting at it like he's hinting at it with the parables that he makes about like the wedding feast but I'm just like oh I forgot to turn my phone on silent but I'm just like I don't know I just feel so up in the air and I feel like I'm too scared to like I said that I was gonna believe it and I and I told myself I was gonna make this declaration and I was gonna believe but then I just it's so hard for me to believe because it has to do with me it has to do with me and I feel like every person who talks about this prophecy thinks that they are the bride and that causes issues in my soul because I'm like all of these girls want my husband all of these girls believe that my husband is their husband this distresses me and on top of that my husband is not coming to these women and telling him that he already has a wife so that pisses me off so I'm just like why is no one receiving clarity on this subject why is it that when I ask for clarity and wisdom you're not giving it to me you're not giving it to me and it angers me and it makes me so angry and it makes me want to leave him but I love him and that's the thing it's just like I love this man so deeply so deeply with all of my heart and I don't know why I feel the way that I do about this man and I'm like because it's like it's not like he's he has been talking to me through dreams but I'm just like I just I don't know I'm really like I'm tired of tossing and turning but I feel like if I were to go like headstrong into like okay I'm married to Jesus I'm his only wife that's it right and I start to tell people about that I feel like I've gone full-blown full-blown crazy again and it makes me fearful that I'm gonna go back to the psych ward and I feel like my family's gonna end up finding out again and then they're gonna take me back to the psych ward and then I'm gonna have to explain to them and be like no um I actually just believe this now it's not a delusion it never was a delusion it never was a delusion and I guess it's just like I miss the spark that we had in our relationship I miss the love that we had the connection that we had I guess Jesus just feels so different to me now he feels colder more distant and I feel like there's something in between us something blocking us because I don't trust him anymore and I don't know how to trust him without getting the confirmation that I asked for and I'm trying I'm trying my hardest I'm trying my hardest as you can see we're still together we got married again I'm trying my hardest to be to like listen to him but I feel like he's not really helping me I feel like he's not helping me too he's not helping me to feel like a wife and even though he does send me romantic songs they just feel empty now they don't feel the same way I don't feel his presence in the same way that I used to and I'm just sad and I miss him I miss him I'm just I just I don't know what to do guys I don't know what to do I don't know how to move I don't know what to think and I feel like there's something in my brain that is just blocking me from believing and it's like protecting me from believing and it's like you're gonna get hurt again he's gonna hurt you again don't trust him so I feel like it's it's the enemy but I don't know what do you have to say onyx just a little meow I guess that's all we're gonna get I'm trying to keep myself alive I'm trying to keep myself alive I am fighting for my life I am fighting for my life because it's hard walking through life and feeling like nobody understands you and nobody cares and nobody wants to listen to you but I'm trying to defeat those thoughts by going on my podcast every day and talking to you guys even if I don't get that many views because I don't get that many listeners excuse me it's just hard to believe it's hard to believe it's hard to believe it's hard to believe it's hard to believe but I've been hidden my whole life and this is something that I think about every time in regards to this I have been hidden my entire life my ministry's hidden everything attached to me is hidden and I know that means something I know there's significance to that I know there's great spiritual significance to me being hidden for my entire life and I think this is the reason why but I'm also just too afraid I'm too afraid to put my heart out there and like I said I know I said that I was going to do it and I did do it technically I did just decide but I feel like this one is harder for me to accept because I made the rational decision to believe God to believe in God when I lost when I was losing my faith in God and I kept seeing atheist content on my timeline I made the rational decision I was like no I'm going to believe in God and I believed in God and I looked at near-death experiences but I feel like there's nobody I can look at online that's talking about how the brighter crisis one woman that doesn't believe that they're the bird of Christ and every time I look at that content it just gives me anxiety it gives me great anxiety great anxiety so I'm just I don't know what to do I don't know what to do and I feel like I want to apologize for sounding like a broken record and for not having my faith together because it makes me feel like I'm like irritating the people around me that I'm still struggling with this but like I said believing full force in the fact that I'm the bird of Christ positions me in a place of high regard in the spiritual kingdom it positions me at the top beside Jesus and I am too afraid to do that again to like tell everybody hey like I'm Jesus's wife hey this is me this is who I am this is my destiny this is my plan but then I think about how God chose a king for Israel and David was a king of all of Israel and he had a high destiny and he was placed in a high position in the spiritual kingdom so much so that Jesus came from his line of descendants David is highly regarded in the kingdom and David wasn't even that good of a man David was responsible for getting a lot of people murdered and David murdered a lot of people so I don't know maybe I can accept my destiny I guess if it's really my destiny I don't know it's just it's so hard to believe it's so hard to believe Jayama queen of the world wife of Jesus wife of Jesus is easier to believe than queen of the world I guess I just don't believe the things that come with it because I feel like I do believe like Jesus and I are literally married so I do believe that I'm his wife and he is my husband but I guess I just have fears that he's not going to treat me as his wife when we get to heaven and then I'm just gonna like fade into the background and he's not gonna acknowledge me and I just feel like he's gonna abandon me the same way everybody else has abandoned me my whole life but I know that that's not Jesus and that's the thing every time I hear those girls talk about them saying that they're the brighter Christ they never talk about being in love with Jesus which I'm very happy about they never talk about being in love with him they're always like I'm the queen or I'm God I'm God and you're gonna worship me I'm God and you're gonna worship me and that's usually all they say but no one is like I'm in love with this man like me I'm in love with this man I'm in love with him and I can't get over him and I tried to get over him and I couldn't get over him so I'm just I don't know I guess my only thing too is like something that I think about a lot too is like I don't have like when Jesus was born there was a big thing he may have been born in a manger but there are people who came to visit him there are miracles that were done there were angels that were visited that there were signs miracle signs of wonders right but they didn't have any of that for me the only thing my parents did for me as a baby was like have me prophesied as a baby and I was dedicated to the Lord as a baby and the prophet told me that I was going to be a prophet and they dedicated me to the Lord which I had a dream about when I left God and I wasn't talking to God for like three years God sent me a dream that said that I was dedicated to the Lord and it shook me it was like dedicated to the Lord and it shook me like he's like you belong to me you belong to me so what is going on and I still didn't come back to him it shook me up but I didn't go back for a while I didn't go back until if y'all read my book I used to do tarot card readings but I knew they were demonic so I never got like a personal tarot card reading I always did the ones that were online ones on youtube and I was like hopefully this isn't this is far away enough and I got it from people who seemed like they're prophetic but they were just using their gift wrong because even then I knew I knew about God and I knew about the gifts and I knew I knew what I was doing was wrong and but in those tarot card readings they were like go to church read your bible and I was just like how are you showing up to me like this is not what like God was talking to me through that and I was like excuse me sir I wasn't trying to speak to you and I was just sitting there like you know like who who was I trying to talk to because I knew God was real and I was trying to access a higher power and the only higher power is God so I was just like you know who else was going to speak to me of course it was going to be God but then he told me not to do tarot I don't want y'all thinking that tarot is good tarot is bad tarot is witchcraft do not do tarot but God meets you where you're at he meets us where we are at and he spoke to me during those multiple tarot card readings that I did but um I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know because I don't know what to do I don't know how to move I don't know what to believe because I feel like it's so ingrained in me it's so deeply ingrained in me this like don't believe him don't believe him don't fall for him again don't put your trust in him again don't believe in him again and it's not even just like in regards to my heart I feel like it's in regard to like my promises and that's the thing God has given me some money God has even made my blog go viral a little bit in the way that he told me it was going to go viral and he is literally answered he's done what he said he was going to do but I still don't believe him and I still don't trust him because I don't I don't trust him with my heart I don't trust him with my heart and someone spoke into my spirit the Lord spoke into my spirit you can trust God with your heart and they said that to me a couple of months back you can trust God with your heart but you can trust God with your heart but I don't know if I can I don't know if I can I don't know if all of what I'm doing is a waste I'm scared I'm going to be disappointed I'm scared I'm going to be left I'm scared I'm going to be abandoned and I'm going to be treated like like a nobody that I spend all of this time talking to God and trying to do stuff and I feel like that's why he's not answering my prayers it makes me feel like he doesn't care about me or our situation and then I spend all this time giving all of my love to him and he just throws it away throws it away I just I don't know what to do because I feel like once I accept this like once I fully accept this in my spirit I know I will be unstoppable but I feel like there's so much about God that I don't trust anymore and that I don't believe anymore and I'm just I'm trying to get my faith back I'm trying to believe again but even when I look at videos and I see people like with their testimonies I just feel so bitter and angry and they'll be like I prayed for this to happen and God did it for me God is such a good God and I hear that all the time and they'll be like God is good God is good God is good God is good God is good and God will even tell me that he sends me so many songs I wrote is like God is good God is good God is good God is good and I'm like I don't believe you I don't believe you and I guess it's just like hard to it's hard for me to realize that I don't believe that I don't believe in his goodness anymore and that used to be my main thing my bread and butter and I was like I feel like my whole life was God telling me that he's good and I truly believed that and I wrote posts about that and I made podcast episodes about that about believing that God is good that's the key to faith believing that God is good and I feel like I don't fully fully believe that anymore because if I didn't believe that all the way I would be an atheist but I still kind of believe that he's good kind of but I'm just scratching my head trying to believe trying to have the faith trying not to annoy y'all with my problems but you don't have to listen if you don't want to you don't have to listen to me talk but I need someone to talk to I need to vent I might vent to um let's get a friend at group and just see what people say because I'm kind of losing my mind a little bit and I'm like fighting for my life and I'm fighting for help and I'm trying to reach out to as many people as possible so that I don't hurt myself so I think I'm gonna just make a post about it see what the people say and say that's that I guess (sighs) anyways if you made it all the way to the end of the podcast thank you for listening if you'd like to find me online I have a website and a blog called thebibleisinclusive.com that hosts blog posts that I make about Christianity um I have a book it's called Who Told You That Got Was Homophobic and that's available on paperback and ebook but the paperback is only on Amazon the ebook is available on Amazon Apple Books, Barnes and Noble, Cobo, Scribd and other retailers I have a Sermonote's journal that you can buy that's available only on Amazon and you can find that by searching my name Jaima in the search bar and um and it'll pop up if you have an Instagram my @ is the Bible is inclusive and if you have a Twitter or an X my @ is Bible inclusive um if you'd like to become a Christian um I have a podcast episode that's called How to Become a Christian you can say the prayer that's in that podcast episode and then you can become a Christian and if you'd like to donate to me my cash app and my Venmo are in the description and there's a website that you can click on that's in the description to donate to me as well and you can go to my website and click the donate tab and donate to me with my website but know that if you donate to me through my website I don't get all of the money they take some of the money away from me so if you donate through my website just know that so um uh yeah um thank you guys for listening and I love you And Jesus loved you too, so thank you. 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