Unpurifi3d: The Ramblings of a Black Queer Christian
Just Kidding!
Apparently I am NOT taking a break LOL!
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- Broadcast on:
- 07 Sep 2024
- Audio Format:
- other
Hello, my name is Jayama and you're listening to Unpurified the Ramblings of a Black Queer Christian. For today's episode of the podcast, I just wanted to vent again, give you all a little just kidding. If you looked at my last podcast episode, I said I might be taking a break, and as you can see, I am not taking a break because I am still filled with emotion and things to talk about. This episode may not be that long because I'm just tired. Honestly, I'm just tired. I'm very exhausted, I need someplace to vent, I don't have therapy until tomorrow, and I just need to talk about what I'm going through. My dad just pissed me off and it's bringing up some like old trauma because he just did something that he made me do that is something that he does throughout my childhood, and it just really angered me and made me upset and I told him that I was in a bad mood when he talked to me and he still made me do it, and I'm just annoyed. And I really want to break from home and I really want to stay at a hotel. They just built a really nice hotel very close to my house and I've been thinking about staying over there, but I'm just like, I don't want to spend all of my money because I have money saved up and I really don't want to spend my money on something like that because it's not like I'm getting that much money a month. I don't get enough money every month to cover my expenses, and so I'm just, I'm just skating by, I'm just skating by and I don't make enough money and I'm worried that once my savings go, then I'm going to be destitute and I need money and I can't work because I'm on disability, and working, working makes me hear voices because it's too anxiety-filled. It's just too much stress that goes into working, and so it's like I have to do certain things. Even exercising makes, it's like it's too much stress on the body. It's too much stress on the things that I do, which is why I don't do much. I don't move much. I don't do much, so it's just hard. It's really hard for me to do stuff, eat right, exercise, take care of myself, but I really want to like ball out and go somewhere nice, and I just want to have my own car. I want to have my own car, but my car is broken. The hood, the bumper of my car is drooping, and I have to tape it up with duct tape when I drive it so that it doesn't hit the ground when I drive. There's that, so that's really annoying, and that stresses me out every time I drive because I'm scared that the duct tape is going to fall off and my bumper is going to start dragging across the road. That really sucks, but it's just my car has been used by so many people. It's been beaten and bruised by them, and there's so many miles on it because of them, and I feel like my car is me, and I've been used by so many people, and I've been beaten and bruised, and no one wants to take care of me. No one wants to pay for my car. No one wants to pay for the repairs. No one wants to help me, so I just feel like my car. I feel like my car is getting taped up every single day because I can't afford to get it fixed, and I'm just like, I'm just upset. I'm upset, but you know, such is life, I guess. Such is life. I'm just upset. I used to be really happy as a child. I used to be very positive and upbeat, and I would smile all the time, and then I feel like people stole my joy, people stole my trust in others, and my happiness, and I just can't trust people, and I can't trust people in my own home, and I just am all alone. I'm all alone, and I have Jesus and my therapist, but besides that, I'm all alone, and it's like I can't talk to my therapist every day even though I wish I could. I can't even, I legally can't even do that because my insurance says I have to wait at least a day in between each session for us to talk, so I can't even talk to her every day. So I'm just like, I don't know, I know I need to go somewhere. I need to go to a facility that takes care of schizophrenic people, but there are so little of those places that are around, and of those places they don't take insurance, which pisses me off because I keep trying to find an assistant living place to go to, but they don't take insurance, least of all they don't take Medicaid, and I'm just like, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? I'm tired of being at home, and I have a cat, and I don't know of a place that's gonna let me, that's gonna let me, that's gonna let me go with my cat. I'm really, really upset. I'm really, really upset. I'm really, really upset. I'm really, really upset. I just, I want some peace, I want some peace, and I want a vacation, I need a vacation from my family. So I think I'm gonna try and stay at a hotel for three days, and I think that's enough to make me feel alright. I don't know if I'm gonna take Onyx with me. I don't like when they take care of my son, they never do it right. They never take care of him properly, which also pisses me off, so I don't want to leave him. But I think I'm gonna stay at a hotel for three days, and just talk to God. I'm gonna take my Bible and take my journal and talk to God openly in my room for three days, and see how I feel. Because when I went to, I had gotten a big amount of money a couple of years ago, like a huge amount of money. I can't even remember how much money it was, because I spent all of it. I took that money and spent it honey, but gosh, I'll spend that money. I got a whole bunch of money. I can't remember how much honey I got, because it was a lot. But I had come into some money and I spent five days at a hotel. I ate out exclusively for five days. I had got my food delivered. I did not leave that hotel. I got my food delivered. I brought my switch. I streamed on Twitch because that's what I was doing at the time. I used to stream on Twitch. I streamed on Twitch. I wrote a bunch of blog posts that I needed to catch up on. And I actually deleted those blog posts. I removed them from the website because it was like some old stuff that was way too personal that I didn't want people to read now that my blog is starting to get popular. I had a grand old time. I brought my laptop. I brought my switch. I brought my cat. We were just having a grand old time. There was a tub in the place. I invited my parents to come and they didn't show up until the last day. I kept telling them that I wanted them to show up and they were not coming to see me. My sister shows up and she's like, "My mom says I can stay here with you." I'm like, "You're not paying for this hotel so you're not staying with me." She tried to take over my stay and I kicked her out and I told her to leave which I was super proud of myself because that's something I never would do. I'd never stand up for myself especially against my sister. And I stood up for myself and I knew it was because I was in my own space and I was living for myself. And I don't know. I feel like I need to do that again while I have the money to and just not worry about the money. Technically, I have the money to do it. But I feel like I'm going to spend like $700 and I don't want to spend that much money again on like three to four nights. I'm going to find someplace cheap. I'm going to look it up. There's got to be someplace cheap because it's getting cold and they don't, they don't, they don't, they don't, what am I trying to say? They, the hotels are cheaper when it's in the off season. So I just, I'm trying to, I'm trying to, to stay somewhere, where it's cheap. Because I need me a little vacation. I'm getting so tired and I'm getting depressive. And I'm like, I just need something for me and Jesus. Something for me and Jesus. So we can just have our time together and spend time together. And I can talk to him loudly in my room without anybody listening to me or anybody thinking I'm crazy. So I just really want, I really want that. I really want that. Just me and Jesus and Onyx in a room together. So I'm going to plan that and not worry about my car even though I'm going to probably have not, not going to be the one to do when I'm at the duct tape every inch of my car. That seems so annoying. But if they have a pool, I think I'm going to go swimming. If there's a pool and if they have free breakfast, I'll get free breakfast. And I'll buy groceries. If they have stuff in there, it'll be fun. It'll be fun. I have to think about getting my hair done. I'll probably make it a whole thing. I'll get my hair done. Oh, Onyx no. Onyx. He's a mess and wood stuff. Onyx. Baby, baby, no, no. Go away. No, no. So yeah, I think that's something that I need to do expeditiously. And I'm going to plan that and it'll be my little, my little will to live. My little will to live trip that I'll plan to see. Because the last time I went, it was like in November when it was super cheap when it was dirt cheap. And so I'm like, I need to search these hotel prices and see when it's dirt cheap to stay. Because I need a break. I need a break. I need a break. And I just want to be able to scream Jesus's name and not have people look at me. I got to remember to buy some holy oil to anoint my room. A bunch of stuff. A bunch of stuff. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'll start researching. I'll start researching. It'll give me something to do. Maybe I'll straight preach during that time. Or maybe not. Maybe I'll just stand my room. But who knows? Who knows what I'll do. Who knows what I'll do. But yeah, I think that's all I'm going to say. I want to tell you guys more about my life. But I think that's going to be for some later episodes. Since I know that my family doesn't pay attention to my podcast episodes, I can talk about the nitty gritty details about my personal life. But they do watch my website. At least they did at one point. So I'm going to maybe not put it on there. But put it on here. So yeah, if you made it all the way to the end, thank you for listening. If you want to find me online, I have a website and a blog called the Bible is inclusive.com. I have a book. It's called Who Told You That Got Was Homophobic and that was available on paperback and ebook. The paperback is only on Amazon. The ebook is available on Amazon, Apple Books, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, Scribd and other retailers. I have a sermon notes journal that's available only on Amazon. And you can find that by searching my name, Jayama in the search bar and the book will come up. If you have an Instagram, my @ is the Bible is inclusive. If you have an X or Twitter, my @ is Bible inclusive. If you would like to become a Christian, I have a podcast episode that's titled How to Become a Christian and you can say the prayer that's in that, that's in that podcast episode and you can become a Christian. If you'd like to donate to me, my cash app and my Venmo are in the description and you can click the link that's in the description and you can donate to me. You can also go to my website and click the donate tab and donate to me that way. But that is the last way I recommend that you would donate to me because, ooh, excuse me, they take money, my money away from me. They don't give me all my money. They take some of the money from the donations, which I didn't know until I hooked it up to my website. So I'm probably going to figure out how to unhook it. I haven't redo my website in a really long time. I'm probably going to figure out a way to unhook it from my website. But in the meantime and in between time, I'd say that's the last way I recommend that you do so. But if you have to do it that way, then go ahead and do it that way. But just know that I'm not going to get all of the money that you send me. So yeah. Thanks again for listening and I love you and Jesus loved you too. So thank you.