Unpurifi3d: The Ramblings of a Black Queer Christian

I Might Be Taking A Break

I talk about the possiblity of me taking a break.

thebibleisinclusive.com cashapp: $GiveEmSomeMoney venmo: @GiveEmSomeMoney

Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/unpurifi3d/support

Broadcast on:: 06 Sep 2024
Audio Format:: other

Hello, my name is Jaya Ma and you're listening to Unpurified the Ramlings of a Black Queer Christian. For today's episode of the podcast, I just wanted to give you guys an update on me. I know I've been doing these daily podcast episodes and I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm probably going to stop doing them after this podcast episode. But I didn't want it to end on the one where I had a mental breakdown because I know that can seem a little scary for me to say that I had a mental breakdown. And then you don't see me post for quite a long time. So I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm probably not going to I'm probably not going to post for a while or at least until I have something to talk about. So who knows? I might just make another episode tomorrow. Who knows? But it's only until I have something that I can talk about that I feel like is fruitful and necessary. But I don't know, who knows? Maybe I can just go on here and just say whatever and just talk about whatever. And just say nothing. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do with this platform. Sharing that I had a mental breakdown is making me anxious. And that's the thing. I don't hear my voices the same that I used to, but I definitely still hear demons. And I know everyone hears demons, but it's like I hear the bad thoughts like nobody cares. Nobody cares. And they just keep telling me that that nobody cares. And they just keep telling me that nobody cares and nobody wants to hear me talk. But I know that that's not true because I always get at least one listener every episode. At least one. That isn't me. Because I listen to my own episodes. So at least one other person listens to my podcast episodes. Just as a, because today is the same day. Today is the same day that I made the the the podcast episode about my mental breakdown. And I've been doing things that I like today. I went and got food. I sang a lot. And I read the Bible. I took out my hair. I took out my braids. And I listened to the Bible. I've been reading through Luke. I already read Matthew and Mark and Jeremiah. So I'm reading through Luke. I want to read through Isaiah. After I get through the Gospels, I want to read through Isaiah. And I want to read through the full. I want to read the New Testament again. Because I'm trying to be full of the word again. I'm trying to be I'm trying to remember what I forgot. Because I used to read the Bible all the time. And I used to know scriptures like off the back of my hand. And now I don't remember anymore because I had that year away from when I was broken up with Jesus and I was upset and I was sad. And excuse me. And so I forgot a lot of the scriptures that I knew. So I'm trying to read them again and learn. But I also have this like this desire within me. Guys, I feel like I want to straight preach. And I'm kind of scared and terrified of street preaching. Because I preach a gospel that is very unlike the norm. And I live in a I live in a red city. A blue state but a red city. It just became blue. But it's a red city. And I don't know how people are going to react to what I have to say. But I've always wanted to be a light in the world of street preaching. Because every time I see a street preacher, every time I see a street preacher online, they are so negative and condemning and fire and brimstone. And I just hate that kind of street preaching. I remember what I went to New York with my family. There was a street preacher who commented on my outfit saying that what I was wearing was provocative. And I was 12 years old. I was 12. And he made me feel so disgusted and so like I don't even know because I was obviously a believer at the time. I believed in God. My outfit was cute. I wore a romper and I was tall. So I guess he thought I was older than what I was because I was tall. But I wore this cute little romper that was sleeveless. And it had shorts and it was orange. And people in New York made a whole lot of assumptions about me which I think is ridiculous because there was that man that who was a street preacher who had said that that girls and girls addressed so provocatively over here. And I was like, are you for real right now? I'm 12 years old. You're a grown man. Pluck your eyes out and leave me alone. But I remember I went to New York and I was on the subway with my cousin who was like, he was like, I don't know how old he was. He was like 7. And I was 12. And I was holding him and I had him in my lap. And this lady was judging me. And I guess she thought that was my baby. And again, because I'm tall, people think I'm old. And I was like, I could tell she was just just judging me. And I'm like, this is not my son. And we look alike because we are my cousin looking alike. And I'm like, this is not my son. Like, please relax. Like, mind your business actually, but please relax. Because what if this was my baby? At least I'm raising my baby. What does something happen to me? What does something tragic happen to me? And you're judging me. What if this is my mom's baby and she's forcing me to take care of this baby? Like, you know what I'm saying? There could be any sort of situation going on in that scenario. And everybody just assumed he was my kid. I was just like, okay, girl. But I don't know, street preaching, I don't have, I don't have good interactions with street preachers. So I always wanted to be a light to, to, to like, street preaching. Onyx. Oh my gosh. And that's the thing. It makes me think about when I was in the psych ward. I was screaming my head off in that psych ward, but I anointed the building and I was rebuking demons. Would you like to speak into the mic? No, nothing to say. Sir, Sir. Nothing to say. But like I said, when I was in the psych ward, I was screaming my head off in the psych ward and I was rebuking demons and I had like, I felt the power of the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost was within me when I was in the psych ward and I was receiving prophetic words, a bunch of prophetic words for people. And I had never received prophetic words for people before. And I was talking to a bunch of different people and telling them because there are a lot of prophets who were there and I was telling them, I was like, you're a prophet. You're a prophet. You're a prophet. You're a prophet. This one girl, she, she would sing and she would dance and she would run and she would sing and she would say, Jesus God, Father and Son, Jesus God, Father and Son. And she would just sing and she would run around the building. She would run around the psych ward and she would sing about Jesus and God. And so I came into her room and I was like, I told one of the nurses and I was like, I have a prophetic word for her while she was doing that. She was like, you can't really disturb her while she's doing that because that's just something that she does to calm down or cope or whatever. And so I had to wait until she was done and after she was done, she was in her room and I told her, I came into her room and I told her and I was like, hey, I was like, the Lord is telling me to tell you that he loves that you do that. He loves when you speak of him and when you praise him because it sets an atmosphere for him to move. And so she was like, okay. And she wasn't really like, I don't know if she, because we were in a psych ward. So I don't know if she fully comprehended what I said, because she was probably in psychosis. I was definitely in psychosis. So I don't know if she fully got what I said, but the Lord told me to tell her and I told her. Excuse me. I was telling a bunch of different people a bunch of different things. There was one girl who was in there and she was talking to the nurses and she was like, because I was just sitting because there are chairs near the nurse's desk and I was just sitting in one of the on the couch on one of the couches. And she was talking to the nurses and she was like, I'm sorry. I'm just she's like, I just talk a lot. I'm sorry. I'm talking y'all ear off. I'm just talking a lot. I'm so sorry. And so she gets up and she walks away and I immediately hear a word from the Lord and I was like, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude on your conversation, but I was like, as soon as you said that you were like, I talk a lot. I'm sorry. I talk a lot. I heard the Lord say, that is your gift. That's your gift. I was like, your gift is your voice. I was like, my gift is my voice. I was like, we have the same gift. And I was like, you got to keep speaking. I was like, I was like, you probably have a bunch of people in your life trying to tell you to to be quiet and trying to get you to stop talking. I was like, you got to keep speaking. You got to keep speaking. You got to keep speaking. You got to keep speaking. You got to keep speaking. You got to keep speaking. And that's the thing. When I was in psychosis, I kept repeating things over and over and over again. So I was telling her, I was like, you got to keep speaking. You got to keep speaking. You got to keep speaking. You got to keep speaking. And she was like, okay. And she was like, and she was so happy. And she was like, wow. Okay. Yeah. And she was like, I do have people always started telling me to stop talking. And I was like, yeah. I'm like, that's your gift, girl. I was talking to her, then I was talking to the nurses. And I was telling them a lot of the nurses were prophets. There's this one girl who I really loved and one nurse who I really loved. I call her my cupcake because she's so sweet. And she was a prophet. And I told her because I can't parent from the Lord for her. And I was like, he was like, you're going to have a, she's going to have a great ministry, a great ministry, a good ministry. And I was like, I was like, I keep hearing this for you, girl, because at first I didn't even say it to her because I didn't think it was from God. But I like, literally as she walked past, it was like, she's going to have a good ministry. She's going to have a good ministry. And I was like, and I told her, and I was like, I keep hearing this for you. And so I told her and I was like, and I was telling her, I was like, I was like, and I don't want you to be bogged down by what you think a ministry is supposed to look like. I was like, a ministry could be anything. And I was telling her, I was like, I have a podcast. And I was like, my ministry is a website and I have a podcast. So she was like, Oh, really? And I was like, yeah. It's always like, your ministry could be could be anything. It could be anything. Ministry is a ministry is a job, essentially, where you could be doing it. You could do hair and that's your ministry. You could play music and that's your ministry. A ministry is anything. She's like, okay, okay. And so I was just like, um, getting the words, getting these words from the Lord. And there was even one lady because I was God told me to anoint the building. And that's what I did first. What I did first wasn't going to build them before I did my prophetic words. And so I was praying over the building and then at a certain point, because I was screaming at the top of my lungs and I was rebuking demons. And I was like, you gotta go. I was like, demons, your time is up. You gotta go. Your time is up. You gotta go. And so I was like, um, screaming at the top of my lungs, which, and that's the thing. When I was in the psych ward, Jesus told me because I kept screaming. And that's the thing. I was screaming, I was screaming the whole time before I like when I got to the psych ward. And then at a certain point, Jesus told me he was like, you don't have to scream. And he was like, they respond to authority. So it doesn't matter how loud you are, they respond to authority. And so I was like, oh, okay. So they told me to be quiet or else they were going to put me in isolation and like force me down, essentially. They're like, we're going to put you in time out. And so then I stopped. And so I started like whispering, but it was still kind of at like a talking level. And so I was like, I was like, I rebuke every demon that's trying to stop me from doing the work. I rebuke every demon that's trying to stop me from doing the work. And so I was speaking that over the, I'll speak in that over the, over the building. And as I was still praying, because I was still praying for such a long time, I prayed for a while. And then one of the workers, the worker who told me to be quiet, she was like in a funk for the rest of the day. And like, she was like in a bad mood. And I was like, and I was looking at her and I was like, Lord, what's wrong with her? Like, what's going on with her? And then he had me go back to what I said. And he was like, this is what's, this is what's making her upset. Because he thought, because she thought I was saying I was rebuking her, I was calling her a demon when she told me to be quiet. And so I was like, oh my gosh, no. And so, um, I had like pulled her aside and I talked to her, I was like, hey, can I talk to you? She's like, yeah. And I pulled her aside. And I was like, hey, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, if you think I was like saying that to you, I am so sorry. I'm not saying I was never saying that to you. I was like, the Lord is not rebuking his people. I was like, I am, I was just talking to demons. I was like, usually I'm, I'm more sensitive about these, these situations, I'm more sensitive, but I was like, but I was so in the spirit, I was like, I couldn't. I didn't notice you. And she was like, okay, okay, okay. And she made it seem like it wasn't like, it didn't affect her that much. But I could tell that she was really happy that like, I apologized to her. And I told her what was up. Because she was like really happy after that. So I was just like, um, um, I was glad because she, um, she believes me. And I know it was because of that that she believed that I was true. Because I kept telling everybody, I was like, I'm not schizophrenic. Because I didn't believe I had schizophrenia at the time. And I was like, I'm just, I just fell into the spirit. Because that's what I believed. Because I was in the spirit. I did fall into the spirit. I fell into the spirit and I had a delusion at the same time. So I was dealing with delusions and I fell into the spirit at the same time. And, um, she was like, because I was talking to her about how, um, I had like, went to see the judge. And there are people who judge you to see if you're saying enough to leave, which I think is so wild to me. Like, the way they were judging me, like, and I know it was like, they were not listening to me. And they weren't, they were not listening to me. And they weren't trying to hear me out at all. When I was in the judge room. And, um, they just, and that's the thing, because the judge, the judge was like, because they didn't read my file. And they were like, because they were like, because there was, okay, so when I, um, first had, had my psych ward, when I first got, had my psychotic episode, um, I had saw a police officer who had come into my room in my bedroom and she was, um, um, she was, she was anointed. And I was telling her that she was anointed and God kept telling me that she was anointed. And I was like, you are anointed to, to deal with this. And I was telling her, because I thought I was possessed with demons. And I was like, you are anointed to deal with this. And I was telling her, and she was like, yeah, yeah. And then I told her, um, something about like her life and about things that she should do in her life, because I was telling her about, um, I can't remember exactly what it was that I said to her, because it was so early in my psychosis. And I told her something, something, something along the effect of like, don't pay attention to everybody or don't let people drag you down or something like that. And you can't help everybody. You can't, something like that. Like you can't help everybody and not everybody wants help or something like that. And she was like, okay, okay. And, um, uh, so I had told her that she's already anointed, right? And then I go to the psych ward and they didn't read my file. And they were like, they're like, who gave you the authority to anoint someone? The judge was talking to me like, like I was a sane Christian. And that's the thing. People were treating me like I was saying, which is what, because I'm like, why are you getting offended if I'm a crazy person? You know what I'm saying? And so he was like, um, he was like, who gave you the authority to anoint someone to anoint somebody? I was like, I didn't anoint her. I anointed the building. And she was already anointed. I just told her she was anointed. That's all I did. I just told her she was anointed. And the thing that pissed me off, because I was even thinking about it after I got out of there. And I'm like, Samuel anointed Saul and Samuel anointed David. So there are people who can anoint people. It's in the Bible. So why are we acting like this isn't biblically based as well? I was like, whatever, girl, whatever. So, um, but they were not listening to me. They were not listening to me. And the way they swiftly took me out that room, the way they carried me out of there. And I was just like, okay, whatever, whatever, whatever. And then, um, um, after I anointed the building and I said all those prophetic words, there were a whole bunch of people in the psych ward. And it was the people who I didn't speak to. They had all gotten together along with a nurse, a nurse who didn't like me, because she was mean. She was a mean person. She had a mean spirit, mean spirit, a mean spirit. And, um, she was talking to other people in the psych ward and I didn't blame anybody in the psych ward who was talking mess about me because we're in a psych ward. We're there for a reason. But the nurse, that nurse pissed me off and she needs to lose her job. And so, um, they were all talking about me and they were like, she thinks she's so special because she has a gift because I was in my room and they thought I was asleep, but my door didn't close all the way. So I could hear everything that was going on in the main room. And they were like, she thinks she's so special because she has a gift. She thinks she's so special. And they were planning on stealing my glasses. And I thought that was so evil. And they were like plotting on me and they were like, she's asleep, y'all, she's asleep. Let's go in there and steal her glasses. And then somebody came into my room and they're like, she's sleeping with them on because I was sleeping with them on at first. I was sleeping with my glasses on. And then, um, the nurse was like, she's going to be asleep the whole time. Just let's do it guys. Let's do it. And the people didn't, they were like, not trying to do it because they were, um, they were afraid I was going to wake up. And they're like, she's not going to wake up. She's not going to wake up. So I literally was in there and I was talking to Jesus the whole time. And I was like, should I, should I walk in on them? And he was like, do what you want. So I get up and I walk in there and I don't say anything to anybody because I act like I couldn't hear them. I get up and I get like some lemonade that they always had on tap. They always had lemonade on tap. So I get some lemonade and then I walk back to my room. And then once I get to my room, they're like, she woke up guys. She's awake. She woke up. She woke up guys. She woke up. And I was like, Lord, what's going on? Because I had just prayed over this building. And he was like warfare. So I was just like, oh, okay. So they trying to, they trying to plot on me now because I didn't, I didn't did something for the Lord because I didn't cast out these demons. But I say all of that to say, I do want to do something like that again. I want to do something like that again, where I, I don't know, where I just talk to people about God. I really want to just like, I really want to just have conversations with people about God. And I want to do it in a places where like, like, I don't know, where it's like, unexpected. But I know what's going to make me, it's going to force me to like, to, to, to it's going to force me to, to confront my social anxiety, my social anxiety. Because when I was in that site where baby, the boldness that God gave me, social anxiety feared me. Social anxiety feared me. I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I was so bold. People kept calling me by my dead name. And I was boldly correcting them every single time. So I'm just, I'm trying to develop a boldness. And my little brother just got his new car today. He got his new car today. So I finally have one less person who was using my car. I still have somebody else's firing my car. But one less person, thank you, God, hallelujah. But, um, I don't know, I might go to the park and preach, but I don't have like, a speaker or anything. I want to make like a sign or like have a table or something. Like cuz people usually talk to me anyways, but I'm kind of scared. Like even as I talk about it, I feel the fear. I feel the fear. I feel it. I feel the fear. But, um, I don't know. I really, I really want to be a light when it comes to street preaching. Because so many people preach combination and hell fire and like we're turn away from your sins or die. And I'm like, that's not how I would preach the gospel. Because I'm like, I preach the gospel in a way that's like, God loves you. He wants to be with you. You should say yes to him. Because he loves you. And he wants to give you stuff. He wants to give you love and affection. He has a plan for your life. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like the whole like repent from your sins or die. It's so tired and played out. Because I'm like, that's not how people, at least me, I'm not, I'm not giving my life to somebody who's trying to scare me. I'm not doing that. I've had enough fear in my life. I had enough scary people in my life. I'm not submitting myself to a scary person. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. So it's just like, it's just I want to do it in a good way. I want to be a good person, a good preacher, a good street preacher. I'm a bra. I saw some Jews like getting mad at Christians for celebrating Passover. And I was like, you know, the Old Testament is a part of our thing too, right? Like your whole book is literally just half of ours. Crazy. Crazy. We are considered Abraham's descendants. Isn't that something? Isn't that wild? But I feel, I feel, I feel emboldened, emboldened to speak, emboldened to preach, but I feel scared. I want to do it digitally, but I also don't want to do it digitally because I don't know how because I feel like if I do it digitally, I have to show my face and I don't want to show my face. I don't want to show my face. I want to look raggedy and have you guys not see it because you can't see it. You can only hear my voice right now. I look a mess. I look a mess and I'm free to look a mess because you cannot see me. But, but, but, but, but, but, you know, maybe that's something I need to unlock. Maybe I need to make a TikTok and preach on there. But I would have to find a thousand followers. I've never had more than like 300 followers so I don't even know if I'll be able to reach the the height. I would have to start making videos. I don't know. I just, I really want to help people. I really want to help people connect with God. I really want to help people find God. And be close to God. Because I feel like I have answers to questions that a lot of people are trying to find. I just, I just, you know, I just want, I just want to bring people closer to God. I feel like I'm not doing a lot with my ministry or at least doing it in the way that I want to do it with my ministry. So, I don't know. I know I can still do this and like I can still talk on here. But I just want to, I want to connect with people. So, I don't know. I don't know. But like I said, this is a long episode, but I'm probably not going to make as many episodes unless I figure out what to say or what to speak about or what to talk about. But who knows? Like I said, I could be coming right back on here up tomorrow giving you a buttload of things to say. So, so, yeah, if you made it all the way to the end, thank you for listening. And if you'd like to find me online, I have a website called thebibleisinclusive.com that hosts my blog and all the Christian blog posts that I received from God. I have a book. It's called Who Told You That Got Was Homophobic. And that's available on paperback and ebook on Amazon, paperback on Amazon. It's available on ebook on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Apple Books, Kobo Scribbed and other retailers. I have a sermon notes journal and that's available on Amazon only. And you can find that by searching my name, Jayama, in the search bar, in the sermon notes journal will come up. I have an Instagram, it's called @thebibleisinclusive. I have a Twitter or an X and that's @bibleinclusive. If you want to become a Christian, I have a podcast episode that says how to become a Christian and you can just listen to the prayer that's in that, say the prayer that's in that and you'll become a Christian. If you'd like to donate, my cash up and my Venmo are in the description and there's also a link that you can click on in the description that you can donate with. And the last way I would like for you to donate, if you have no other way to donate, you can go to my website and click on the donate tab. I say that I want that to be the last way because they take some of my money and I wasn't getting donations when I hooked it up to my website. So I didn't know that they took my money, but yeah, they take my money, take some of my money, which I don't like, but if that's the only way that you can donate, then donate that way. So yeah, that's everything. Thank you for making it all the way to the end of the podcast. And I love you and Jesus loves you too. So thank you.