Unpurifi3d: The Ramblings of a Black Queer Christian
I Had A Mental Breakdown
I talk about my depressive episode that I had.
thebibleisinclusive.com cashapp: $GiveEmSomeMoney venmo: @GiveEmSomeMoney
Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/unpurifi3d/support
- Broadcast on:
- 06 Sep 2024
- Audio Format:
- other
Hello, my name is Jayama and you're listening to Unpurified the Ramlings of a Black Queer Christian. For today's episode of the podcast, I just came on here to vent to be real open and honest with you guys to be raw and vulnerable because two days ago, this is kind of hard to say, two days ago I had a mental breakdown. I didn't go to the psych ward, thank God, but I just had a really, really depressive episode and I was super sad, I was crying, I wanted to listen to sad music, which I haven't listened to sad music in so long, so I knew it was bad because all I wanted to do was just like be upset and wallow in my sadness and I just woke up, if you hear my voice, my voice sounds a little weird, I just woke up, I've been trying to record this podcast episode for like two days, but I keep getting interrupted, which is really annoying to like somebody in my family calls me and they'll say something to me and so I'm just like, can I record, can I talk to the people about how I feel, I mean, it's really annoying, it's really annoying, especially because like I know I can't talk to my family, I can't vent to them, I can't reach out to them, so it's like it really does interrupt the flow I have going on in my body because it's like I'm trying to feel better and be better, but they just interrupt how I feel and it's just, it's just, it's just, it's hurtful because I want to just be able to talk to people about what's going on in my brain and I joined, I joined a Facebook group that is for Christians that are dealing with schizophrenia, right? And I posted about what I'm going through, I posted about, okay, oh, I didn't tell you guys why I'm sad, I'm sad because my mom, my family doesn't believe that I'm a prophet anymore and I know I put that declaration of faith out there and that's really how I felt in the moment, but I feel like as time went on, it really started to affect me and it made me really sad that they don't believe in me anymore because being a prophet is such a core part of my identity and it just really, it just really hurt me. So I joined a Facebook group that's Christian, so it's schizophrenia, right? And I was like surely they would understand, right? So I go on there and I vent, which I never do, which I never do and I vented about what I was going through and I told them and I was like, yeah, I don't know if I told you guys that I told my mom a prophecy, I can't remember if I told you guys this or not, but I told my mom a prophecy, God told me, I think I did, but I'll say it again for the people who haven't heard it. I was home alone one day and I asked God who was going to be the first person to come home. He told me that my mom was going to be the first person to come home. I was like, okay, I feel that in my spirit too because I know I hear voices and so I'm like, I know this could be anybody, but I knew it was God because I was like, I feel that in my spirit as well. So I was like, okay, this is God. And so then like two hours later, my mom calls me and she tells me she's coming home and she comes home. She's the first one home. I follow her into her room. I tell her, hey, God told me that you were going to be the first one to come home and look, you're the first one home. And she was like, what? You need to make sure that what you're listening to is actually from God and we don't want what you had the last time to happen again this time. And I was like, you actually came home. Like, this is real. This is actually from God because you're the first person to come home. And she was like, I didn't even expect to be the first person to come home today. So I wasn't even expecting to come home. And I'm like, as if that matters, as if God isn't sovereign, as if God doesn't know the end from the beginning. I'm just, I'm just like, it just bothered me. And in the moment, I was like, I was like, okay, I'm not going to let this drag me down. I'm not going to let this make me upset. But I've been holding in so many things. And I feel like I haven't even noticed that I'm holding in so many things. Because I'm really upset by what she said. And it hurt my feelings a lot. It hurt my feelings a lot. And I'm just like, I'm really sad. So I joined a Facebook group as I keep saying, I feel like I keep saying this. I joined a Facebook group. I vented on the Facebook group. Two of the comments will, okay, there are four comments. I didn't understand most of them. There was one comment that was talking about how he said he was going through the same thing as me. And how people don't believe that he's a prophet because he has schizophrenia, even though he does have the gift of prophecy. And I was like, cool, thanks. And I love the comment. I put a love heart. I put a heart for the comment. The next person, they had a really long comment, which I really didn't understand. I read it. I didn't fully understand it. But at the end, they told me that they prayed for me, because that's what I asked for. I asked for people to pray for me. And I was like, okay, cool, great. So I liked that comment. And then the next comment was someone. I don't know what they were saying. Like I said, most of these comments, I didn't really understand what they were saying. And I reread them, and I reread them before I went to this podcast. And I still don't understand what they were saying. But this one girl was talking about how her mom determines how sane she is before she believes that anything that comes out of her mouth is a prophecy. She determines if she's sane enough to be prophetic at that time. And then she comments again, I didn't like her comment, that comment. And then she comments again, and she's like, it seems like you're trying to force your, your family to, to believe in you. And God's not a God of forcing. He doesn't believe that you want, he doesn't force people to believe anything. So you're just going to have to deal with it. If they do other things, she was like, if they provide other things, then I don't see this as a problem, in my opinion. And I literally wanted to be like, yo, F you, actually, F you, because it's not what my post was about. My post was about me being sad. I was sad and I was upset. I'm not trying to force my family to do anything. I'm not trying to force them to believe in me. They used to believe in me. And now they don't. And I'm telling you all that that I'm sad about that. And I'm not praying. I didn't ask for you to change their hearts. I didn't pray for for you to change. Can you change their hearts? I don't care about that. I said, can you pray for me? Because I'm sad. Can you pray for me? Because I'm emotional. I'm like, I don't care about them. And it's like, I do care. And that's the thing that annoys me because her comments got like a bunch of likes. It wasn't a bunch of likes. It was like two likes. But her comments got more likes in the comments than other people's comments. And I'm just like, this is why people hate Christians. Like, for real. This is why people hate Christians because it's like you're not you're ignoring what I said. And then you're talking to me and like a God like God doesn't want us to force anyone to believe in us. Okay, girly. But I'm just like, I'm just I'm just I'm really annoyed. I'm really annoyed by that. But I'm glad that there was somebody else who can relate to me. Because they feel the same way. But I don't know. I feel like, like I said, I feel like I'm ignoring the bad. And I feel like I keep pushing it down and pushing it down and pushing it down and pushing it down and pushing it down and pushing it down and pushing it down. And this is why I had a mental breakdown. Because I keep trying to focus on the good. I keep trying to stay positive and be happy. But I'm really sad. I'm really upset. And I'm trying to, to stay afloat. I'm trying to stay afloat. And I just have so much stuff going on. Sorry. I'm messing with the mic and try to clean the mic off. Sorry if that caused problems. I'm just, I don't know, I'm debating on if I want to share everything that I'm going through. But I have, I think I'm just going to say it, because I have a mental breakdown. The uncle that hurt me, he hurt me. He's in the hospital right now. And he's always in the hospital. But I don't know. I feel weird about it. I know it's probably the same thing that he goes to the hospital for every single time. I don't know why everybody gets shocked every single time he goes to the hospital because he goes there and every, it's the same thing every single time because he never takes care of himself. But I'm also dealing with that because I don't know how to feel about it because like, it's just hard because I know I still have residual fears of him. I still fear him as a person. And nobody took my side after what happened. People know what he did to me. And nobody took my side or cared or at least my parents didn't. My family, my immediate family didn't. So, there's that. And then, just to let you guys know, just to be upfront and honest, it's hard to admit. My suicidal thoughts have come back. Trigger warning. Suicidal thoughts. I'm going to talk about it for a little while. So, if you don't want to listen to it, you can click off. So, my suicidal thoughts have come back. And I don't know. I don't really know. It's kind of hard for me to talk, like I said. Once I get kind of personal, I'm not hearing voices, but I start to get overstimulated, which is like my spirit hears voices. My spirit feels hears voices and I start to get anxious. But just to let you guys know, the suicidal thoughts have come back. I even googled if my medicine could kill me. So, it says I can't though, which I was. I don't know how I felt about that. And it says it can't. And that you would have to mix it with other things for it to have that effect with alcohol, mix it with alcohol. And I don't like to drink. I can't drink because of my medication. But I don't like to drink because I think alcohol is disgusting. It is disgusting. And they are lying to you about alcohol. Alcohol is not fun. It doesn't taste good. It's nasty. So there's that. There's that. But I just wanted to tell you guys, I just wanted to be open with you guys. Because I need I need somebody to know what's going on with me. I need somebody to know. And I want you guys to know, because I don't want something to happen to me. And then people be like, Well, what happened? Why did this happen? Why did this happen? And I'm like, I want somebody to know. I want somebody to know. If something happens to me, which I don't think it will. I don't think it will. But I do need to address the sadness that I feel. So I'm going to try and work on that. Excuse me. I'm going to try and work on that and pray for me. Oh, please. Please pray for me. I think that's everything that I wanted to say. Hopefully, hopefully I'll start to feel better soon. Because I do feel better. Since it's been two days, I do feel better than I did two days ago. So I'm glad that I'm starting to feel a little better. But I think it's just the whole shifting, shifting what's going on. Like, it's just a major shift in my brain that's happening that I have to get used to when it comes to my family about how they view me. And I know that they view this way about me now. So it's going to be easier for me to... It's going to be easier to... It's going to be easier for me to move on after I get over, after I get over, after I get over what they said to me. So, yeah, that's all. If you made it all the way to the end of the podcast, thanks for listening. If you'd like to find me online, I have a website and a blog called www.TheBibleIsInclusive.com that hosts my blog posts and posts about Christianity. I have a book. It's called Who Told You That Got Was Homophobic. And that's available on paperback and ebook. And it's available on paperback only on Amazon. But it's available on ebook on Amazon, Apple Books, Barnes and Noble, Cobo, Script and other retailers. I have a sermon notes journal that you can buy. And that's only on Amazon. And you can find that by searching my name, Jayama in the search bar. And the sermon notes journal comes up. I have an Instagram. It's called @TheBibleIsInclusive. And I have a Twitter or an X. And it's called @BibleInclusive. If you like to become a Christian, I have a podcast episode called How to Become a Christian. And you can just say the prayer that's in that. That's in that episode. And you can become a Christian. And if you would like to donate to this ministry, I have my cash app of my Venmo in the bio, which is my preferred methods of donating. And you can donate with using the link in the bio. Or you can go to my website and click donate the tab on there. And you can donate through there, which is the last way I recommend that you donate because they take some of my money. So I didn't know that before I installed it into my website. So that's the last way I would like for you to donate. And I didn't know it was going to do that because I wasn't getting donations. And then somebody gave me a donation. And now it does. It takes some of the money. So yeah, that's everything. Thank you. Thank you all for listening. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. And I love you. And Jesus loves you too. So thank you for listening. [BLANK_AUDIO]