Welcome to "It's Not About Money" hosted by my parents, Matt and Charlie McKinley, and produced by the Ultimate Homeschool Podcast Network. This podcast is all about helping parents raise responsible and ready adults through insightful parenting advice that goes beyond financial matters. Join them as they explore practical strategies, share valuable insights, and provide meaningful tools to navigate the challenges of parenting in today's world. Whether you're looking to instill essential lifestyles, cultivate emotional intelligence or nurture a sense of purpose in your children, Matt and Charlie are here to support you every step of your life. And now for today's episode. Hey guys, this is Matt and I'm here with my great- Matt, I'm saying hey. Let me finish you, Matt. Oh my gosh, you just said I'm here with, so I was just going to say hi. I'm here with my grateful wife. Okay, now it's me. Now go ahead. Hey. The brains behind Beyond Personal Finance, Charlie. Now that's why I thought you would say- I say, okay, well, I mean, I, okay. Okay, well, let's just get into it because this is disastrous before. I will also say, if you hear "Panting", that is not me, but we were just having, I hear the BPF Global World Headquarters Studio, a rousing game of chase with our dog Rudy, and he is hot in "Panting", so if that comes across the podcast- Do you see, we got a terrier about 10 and a half years ago, and I keep waiting for him to calm down. Yeah, if you're thinking about getting a dog, he's a great dog, but not low energy. He was Jack's dog, and Jack has- Jack's our son, and he's gone off to college, but the dog is still- Four years ago, and so this dog still wants us to play, like Jack did. All the time. Yeah. And he's running around and barking at us anyway. Attacking furniture, etc. So that's the panting. It isn't Matt. It's not me. Anyway, back to the show. Today, we're going to dive into one of your favorite topics, Charlie. Yes. Great attitude. It's that you're super passionate about. Yes. You talk about it when we travel around the country and you speak to groups. This is often one of your topics. This is it. So, Charlie, tell us why gratitude matters so much to you. Well, you know, I remember being a brand new mom, and y'all, I was not around kids at all. So- Only child. Correct. Only child. My parents were the oldest, like all my cousins were like in their 20s when I was 5 or whatever. So I wasn't around kids at all, and I remember having this baby, Jack, and being at home with them. And he's just, he's, he's pooping, and he's eating, and it's, there, there is no smiling. He's never smiling at me. And it's like, I remember, you know, Matt would come home from work, and I was like, I don't even think he likes me. Like, you know, and so, so having grateful kids just feels good as a parent, like all I wanted is just that little baby to smile at me. Sorry, the dog is now creating a nest. All I wanted is for that little baby to smile at me. Because when kids show appreciation, it's like a little acknowledgement that all the hard work you've put in as a parent is noticed, and it's valued. It helps create like a positive vibe in the house, where everyone feels closer and more supportive of each other, because you're more willing to help someone who's grateful. And it makes that daily grind feel more rewarding, like, like you've got a purpose, and it's, it's a pleasure to make someone's lunch, or it's a pleasure to do the dishes, or whatever, the dishes are never a pleasure to make it your point. Okay, it was that. We get your point. But here's the challenge, Charlie, like, we all, I think, agree, we like to have kids who are grateful, or spouses who are grateful, or a boss who's grateful, but it's really hard to teach, and it, it doesn't come naturally to most of us. And certainly, I don't think it comes naturally to children. So how do we kind of start to teach that to our kids, we actually see that represented in their life? All right. So I do this when I talk, and I'm not sure, I don't know, I'm not a very creative person. So I'm trying to, I'm trying to paint a picture so that to help you guys see the problem that we have created as parents. So please, allow me some creative latitude here. Imagine I'm walking beside my son carrying a 50 pound weight that represents his responsibilities as a young human. What is that? What's in here? appointments, his forms, his schedule, his meals, etc. Right? And I'm carrying the whole thing. And it's a long path, right? As you can imagine, it's quite a burden. And I'm struggling along, carrying all this stuff, right? Because not only am I carrying his stuff, I'm carrying mine. And if I've got multiple kids, there's multiple 50 pound. And don't forget my pouch. Exactly, right? So it's quite a burden, right? I'm struggling along. And I'm just saying, this is really heavy. You can't imagine how hard this is. You should be really grateful. You should be helping me, right? And just imagine he's walking beside me, and he's looking at his phone, you know, 'cause this is a teenager, right? He's looking at his phone, and he's going, "Yeah, I got it, yeah, thanks, yep." And it's like, meanwhile, I'm struggling down the path, and I'm feeling burdened and appreciated. Unappreciated. Unappreciated. Wondering, like, when he will help. Meanwhile, he's thinking, "God, Lee, that sounds like a lot of work. I don't want to grow up and take that on." Right? So they stay small as long as they can, even when they're big. Sometimes into their 20s. They stay small, which means they stay helpless. They don't even, I don't know that I want to say pretend, but they just assume they can't cut their meat on their own, because that feels hard, or they, you know, scrubbing the dishes or whatever. They just stay small. They don't take on large tasks, because it looks like such a burden from the outside, right? And you've been doing it all along. You've been carrying a burden this whole time, then why would they stop? So how would that picture change, though? If he were the one carrying all those responsibilities, and I came up to him, now, of course, he's struggling, too. It doesn't make any lighter the load when he's doing it versus me, but I came up to him and offered to help, right? Like, right now, my daughter is in her senior year, and there's just a lot going on with applications and stuff. So I have taken on some of the things that are hers to do, and she knows her hers to do, because she's been tasked with doing her whole life, making her lunches and doing her laundry and some stuff that she's, but she's in a season right now that she's really burdened. So I jump in and I say, "Hey babe, let me, let me take some of that on." And guess what? Oh, wow, mom, wow, that's a huge help. Thank you so much, because you see, you can't be grateful for something. If you don't understand the cost, you can be thankful for something, but gratitude, it's like where you recognize a burden has been relieved from you, and that relief comes through in gratitude. And I can tell you, as a kind of a third party here, watching you and Kate in this season, and she's only been back in school for a few weeks, she feels really relieved as you pick up this weight from her, as you like make her lunches for her. Like, she's so relieved and she's really grateful, and I can see there's even your bond is closer in this time. So the key is to help them understand that ultimately, they're responsible for their own life, and it's arduous parents to help them out as they grow, but ultimately kind of transitioning the burdens of their life, their responsibilities on to their shoulders, not ours. We can't carry the weight on the long and expect them to either grow or be grateful when we help. That's right, so they have been on the planet much less time than you, and so you are really teaching them what it is to be apparent, and what it is that's your jobs, and what it is that's their jobs. And so when you're carrying around their 50 pound weight of responsibilities, they just naturally think that it's your job, because you're the one doing it. So you've got to be mindful as early as possible to help them understand that they have responsibilities. So Kate had a book growing up called I Know I'm a Princess, and then I wish I just wish I had it still. I don't know. I know, I really should, because in this simple board book, each page outlined how this little girl drew the conclusion that she was a princess. Things like, I know I'm a princess because I sit in the back and someone drives me around, and it's got this little cute little illustration of her, almost like, no, the queen in the back, and she's waving, you know, like they do. And then I know I'm a princess because someone cleans my room. I know I'm a princess because someone cooks and serves my food. These kids think it's our job to do these things, and so they should understand that it is their job to contribute to the running of the house, right? And you've got to watch how you phrase it. We usually say help around the house, implying that it is our job that they should help with. Instead, try to communicate that the running of the house is the responsibility of the entire family. Like, you're not asking them to help because that almost assumes they've got... Other other things, those aren't their responsibilities. They just get to live in this house and you're the maid and I'm the gardener. And that is their option. So be careful with the way that you phrase it because it really does send a message. Yeah, things like vacuuming, doing the dishes, cooking, yard work, laundry, etc. Like, those are things our kids need to feel like they're part of, that they're part of our family, the part of our community, and that's part of a shared responsibility, not just mom and dad's responsibility. When we teach them this, when we show them this, then they start to become part of a broader unit and they start to understand that they have a responsibility for the family and for the upkeep. And that helps promote this feeling of gratefulness because now they're part of the work team. That's right. It's a team. And they can start to see, hey, if dads mow the yard every weekend for the last 16 years, when I do one, like, I'm pitching in. I'm actually, I'm creating value for this family. And now it starts to get into another topic, though, and we can't go super deep here, Charlie, but the next thing this comes up to is then allowance because now you've got kids and they're taking on responsibilities. They're going to want to get paid. Well, yes, but it also, you know, their bigger thing is, well, first, you know, I'd strongly suggest that you do not pay for chores, right? Because then it, then it's hard if you're trying to do this idea of a team and some of the team members are getting paid and the other ones are not, then, so I definitely, if the allowance thing is working for you, where you're paying for chores, by all means, keep going. I think it sets them up for an imbalance of understanding of where money comes from, but where we really want them to be grateful is for the money that we spend on them. And we talk about it a lot, but only when a child understands the effort required to have the money to make a purchase. Can he be more wise about that purchase? So when I go to an all you can eat buffet, I'll try everything, load it up. It costs me nothing. Right, when we were growing up in Midland, Texas, there was this pizza place now defunct, Shakey's Pizza, and you did this all you could eat buffet and used to crush that thing on Fridays at high school. We had like an open lunch. We'd go there and eat it. And I remember one day I went and I had just heaps of food on my plate and I got there and they had a scale. I remember that. We started charging you now by the weight of the plate of what? I thought it was just all you could eat for like $4.99. That's right. Of course, when our kids want that toy or that drink or that candy or those shoes, it costs him nothing to want that. And because he's never experienced the stress of money tension, he won't be grateful for the sacrifice you've made to buy him those things. Again, it's the 50-pound weight where you're like, "You should be grateful I'm buying you this. You should be thankful. You don't know how it takes a lot to earn a dollar." And they're just sitting there, "Uh-huh, yep, uh-huh." Can I get more candy please? Right. Again, this gets back to that same kind of core tenant you introduced us to a few minutes ago, which is you can only really be grateful for something when you know the cost. Right. That's right. So give them an allowance, preferably not tied to chores, otherwise you'll have a labor strike on your hands, right? Like, "I don't need money this week, so I'm not going to clean the potty." But give them an allowance, and then in exchange, you're requiring them to buy their wants and even some of their needs. This will help you, sorry, help them be more discerning and grateful for the things that they get that they don't have to pay for. Right. So, Charla, you have a lot more to say on this topic. Like, you could go on this one for days, and it's a short podcast. Yes. It'll cut you off. But you can check out the links to the allowance blog and our blog this week. And the last step to closely to gratitude is really in your child's work. That's right. Because, again, trying to get them to understand the cost of something, so the other side of the money equation is earning money. When they're young, they manage allowance to see how fast money goes, and when they're a bit older, they should be required to get a job to truly understand how slow it is to accumulate money, right? Because when you, and I talk about this in the blog, like Matt mentioned, there's a link, but they need to be able to waste money so they can really see how fast it goes, right? And then, when they got to earn the money to get more, you know, their wants, they go, "Oh, my gosh, I see how hard it is to accumulate money." They become more grateful and more discerned in how they spend. And whenever you think about free money, it always reminds me of the money game. Aw, my mom! I'm doing this little air quote saying the money game. Charla's mother, JJ, she's very sweet, she wants to be nice to the kids, and she had this thing she called the money game. And when we go visit her, she would have saved every $1 bill she got all year long, and then she would put it in a stack, and she would call it the money game. And the kids would just literally sit at a table, and one would take a dollar bill, and then the other one would take a dollar bill, and the other one would take the dollar bill. And the other one would take the dollar bill. Now, if you're hearing this and wondering where the game part is, I can't answer that question. I don't know that it's not much of a game, but for many years, it was kind of strange, because the kids didn't see the point, they were just getting free money. But once they started to see the value... There was no competition, she kept calling it a game, but it was just almost like everybody draws a dollar bill, right, right, right. But once they started seeing the value of mine, because they were having to spend their own dollars, they really valued the money for the money. They drew out of that stack. They were happy. They were supposed to go see JJ to get to play the money game, and there was a lot of gratitude there, kind of like, you know, thirsty man in the middle of a desert. It's waiting for the money game. Oh, here we go, right, because until you know the cost of something, you can't be grateful for it. It doesn't, that natural gratitude doesn't bubble up. The older they got, and the more responsibility we transferred to them, the more they appreciated this money game. That is correct. So, work teaches many things, right, but the best part is that they truly understand your efforts. So, they understand how hard you are working and your contribution to the team. And you don't want to have their first job be when they're away from the home, where they finally recognize how hard you've worked, and you don't really get that benefit. So, the sooner they start working, the sooner they will realize what your little bit of your life is like, and in that they'll have some gratitude and appreciation. Okay, we're going to cut it off here, Charlotte. Everyone can check out this week's blog, Gratitude and Three Steps, with links to read more about chores, allowance, and work. The link to the blogs in the show notes, and if you'd like to link to the weekly blog sent to you each week, you can subscribe with the link in the show notes. And you'll be all set. This is a very link heavy. I've got a link to the allowance blog, then I've got a link to subscribe so that you can just get it sent to you automatically. Well, that sounds great. Everybody, link up and go be great parents. Thanks, guys. Thanks for tuning in today's episode of It's Not About Money. We hope you found our parenting insights valuable and empowering. If you've enjoyed the episode and want to continue exploring strategies for raising responsible and ready adults, I invite you to subscribe to my weekly blog at beyondpersonalfinance.com/subscribe. And also, if you have a friend or family member that would find our show helpful or entertaining, please share it with them. Thanks again for spending some time with us. We'll see you right back here next week. (upbeat music)
Gratitude in Three Steps