It Takes A Village – Episode 307 of the Divorce University Online Podcast. We’ve all heard this expression especially when it comes to the physical labor of raising children. But your village is just as important to the emotional support of both you and your children. So, who should be part of your village? And how can you ensure that you are leveraging your village for maximal positive benefit for your children? To learn more about how I can support you in achieving success in your custody matter, please schedule a free strategy session at www.divorceuniversityonline.com/vip-coaching. Thanks for listening!
Divorce University Online
It Takes A Village
>> Hello, you are listening to the Divorce University online podcast with your host, Tammy Ferreira. >> Hey, guys, Tammy here, and this episode is called It Takes a Village. Now, I know we've all heard this phrase, and we tend to think of it in terms of physical help with the children, right? The people around you and people that can babysit and help and give you a break and all those kinds of things. But I want to put a little bit different spin on this to help you come at it from maybe a little bit different perspective and recognize why people around you are so critical to this situation. So, before we dive into this topic, if you are listening to the podcast, don't forget to rate and review me and also subscribe so that you get notified when episodes are released each week. And if you're watching me on YouTube, please also hit like on this video if you like the content, also subscribe to the channel, so you get notified as new videos are released. And as always, please feel free to share this on your social media channel. It helps further our reach and to help more people in our community, right? Okay. So, again, I think we tend to think about it taking a village in the terms of the physical, but there is a lot that we impact around us sometimes without even realizing. And I'm going to tell you where kind of the inspiration for this episode came from here in a little bit. And I will try not to get teary in this one, but just to forewarn you, I may. But my first point is, you know, the people around us who support us emotionally, you know, mentally, all those kinds of things are very critical to making it through this process. I know that when I went through this process about 17 years ago, when I went through the divorce and I was dealing with all of the custody stuff and just up to my eyeballs and feeling overwhelmed, my mother physically lived, you know, about 2,000 miles away. She was in Kentucky and, but that didn't stop me from picking up the phone and calling her almost every night. It seems like at 2 a.m., which is, of course, the insomniac gallery as we all like to call it. And, you know, she is what got me through many of those nights. And so I think we all kind of have that person that's our person that we know that we can count on to be there when push comes to shove. You know, when Thomas and I first met, this was a huge piece of our bonding in that moment is we were both kind of at the same stages of our divorce. We were both left spouses, so we had people that were opting out, neither of us wanted our divorce. So we both were kind of having similar type of pain. And we were, you know, both still in love with our exes, I think, to a big extent. And yet at the same time, we were both able to accept that about each other. I didn't feel threatened by the fact that, you know, he still loved his ex-wife. I don't think he felt threatened by the fact that I still loved my ex-husband because we recognized that sometimes even though you love somebody and you have those feelings, you also recognize that this is not a healthy relationship. You can't move forward with it. And obviously, if the other person opts out, you have no choice, right? You're out. So I think that just that both of us kind of were able to create that sort of emotional safe space for each other and recognize that pain and just to have another human being that understood what that was like. And that just really created a very, very tight bond between us. And, you know, Thomas, even though he was somebody that I didn't even know when my whole process started, you know, within about six months, I met him and he came in and he just became this critically important person for me very, very quickly. And actually, as I'm recording this, this is actually the anniversary of the weekend that we moved in together. So it's kind of a bittersweet thing at this point. But you know, when we go through these challenges, a lot of times the people around us do change, right? My husband left, so you know, I found a new partner in Thomas, but I know that also since Thomas's death, while, you know, I haven't rushed out to find a new relationship or anything like that, I do have new friends. I have a couple of new friends that I didn't have before Thomas passed that have been really again instrumental for me in moving through my grief and just having those people that can just sit in the space with me, whether I'm crying or laughing or, you know, whatever is going on emotionally that day, and just be able to accept where I'm at and be okay with it. I also have some old friends that I've kind of reconnected with and gotten even closer to through this process. And so just sort of having your tribe, right, your community around you is part of that village that then helps to raise your child because your state of mind and the level of support that you feel emotionally in your life is going to have a bearing on how you show up as a parent and how effective you can be. And so when we lose that relationship and also when we're dealing with somebody that is high conflict and narcissistic, you know, we have to learn to reach out and grab onto other people to help, you know, sort of fill in some of those holes because as people, we need that connection, right? We need others around us. I mean, relationship and love are, in my opinion, the whole purpose of being here, you know, nothing else. I heard somebody say one time, nothing else goes with you when you die except the love. And so that's what we're cultivating every day is that love, that love that we're going to leave with all of the people that we have touched when it's our time to move on. Okay. I told you I was going to get teary on this, didn't I? And I feel like that's what Thomas has done in a lot of ways. I mean, if you're listening to me, if you're watching me, this is, this is all born out of Thomas and his vision and his desire to help other parents and to help people that are going through, you know, what he experienced, and then also, of course, having the advantage of bringing to bear his legal knowledge in addition to that. But in the first instance, it was a very emotional human based thing that brought us to this path and brought in our desire to help other parents that were going through what we were going through. So, you know, in a way, we can see through his example that like his wisdom, his knowledge, his love, his desire to help other people is what's left here with us, even though, you know, Thomas has gone. And so surround yourself with those key people. And don't be afraid to reach out and ask for that help and support when you need it. I think particularly when you're coming out of a narcissistic relationship, you can be very isolated. That's part of what they do, right? They isolate us from family. They isolate us from friends. I came out of my marriage not really having very many friends and living 2,000 miles away from my family and all that kind of thing. And so you have to be intentional about cultivating those new connections. And I'm not saying you have to have a ton of connections. I know when we're parenting and working and all the things, it's difficult, right? But I think the depth of the connections around us are the critical piece. And you do need a key, you know, I would say I have four to five people. And I think you, you know, my circle stays pretty small. I don't necessarily expand it wide, but I like to expand it deep. So whatever it is for you that makes you feel, you know, loved and supported in this process and people around you that can understand what you're going through. Okay. So my first point was not even the one I thought I was going to cry on and I've already cried. So my second point was the one that I thought I was going to cry on and so I'm sure that I'm going to. The second point is it's also the people that you're influencing along the way that you don't even know you're influencing. Okay, and I have used this example a lot with. So Thomas's best friend, his wife has MS and she has it pretty severe. She's essentially has no use of her arms or legs at this point. She's had the disease for quite a while. And you know, I talked to about Thomas and I having gone up and been with them. I think it was sometime in 2019 and on the way home, we had a discussion about, you know, him saying he would never want to be in that position that if he was ever in a position where he couldn't, you know, get up out of the bed and go and do and surf and all the things that he loved that he'd prefer not to be here. And you know, I don't think we would have had that discussion without having seen her and had that experience and talked about that. And this is something I actually shared with her recently, you know, about the fact that, you know, she's laying in a bed and in many ways, she has a great attitude. I'm always amazed, but I'm sure in many ways you start to feel like, you know, what are you contributing to other people and yet she's contributing in ways and affecting people around her that she doesn't even know she's affecting. And I had this experience today. I received a message this evening and this person is a podcast listener and she will probably know this is her, but she wrote me and said that her and her husband had been listening to the podcast for a couple of years and that it had been instrumental in helping her husband gain equal parenting time of his children. I think they had just recently accomplished that and unfortunately, he also recently passed suddenly from an accident and she wrote this to share this with me. And the ironic thing is, is that, you know, they were listening to the podcast for help with the custody, but then because I have been sharing about my journey with losing Thomas and all that kind of thing, this has now unfortunately visited her as well. And so she found some comfort in just being able to reach out to another person that has gone through this that understands because when you go through these things, whether it's your custody and divorce case or whether it's the loss of, you know, a spouse, a parent, a child, you know, whatever tragedy visits us in our life and there will be tragedy, right? People around you love you and care about you and can support you in certain ways. Like I mentioned, I have friends and people around me that even some of which weren't here when Thomas passed, but I can tell you that that's a very different connection than I have with people who are in a grief group with me, you know, people who are, is particularly a husband/wife loss, a spousal loss, a grief support group. It's different. I have connection with those people in a different way. Most of those people I don't know as well, that connection isn't as deep as it is with my personal friends, but those people have experienced the same tragedy that I've experienced which sort of creates an automatic bond, right? And so when you're going through these different things in life, even in your custody case, you are influencing people around you and you don't even know it, you know, because of how you move through it or how strong they think you are or how, you know, they can't believe that you're able to handle this with grace and poise or keep your composure or, you know, how do you parent and work and do all the things, you know, and tolerate your crazy ex, right? All in, all in, you know, one big package and people are in awe a lot of times when they watch us and listen to us and we don't even know, you know, sometimes you see somebody and you think, wow, that person just moves with such grace and dignity. I want to be more that way. You know, what is it that person has? What is it that person does? You know, and I've shared that I personally am a Christian and that's kind of the way we should move as if you are a Christian like me, that is something that we should aspire to do as well, right? You want somebody to look at you and say, wow, how can this person go through all this tragedy, have all these things happen, and yet still be able to find joy, well, for me, that comes from, you know, my faith in Christ and my relationship with God. And so you, you model that and other people go, wow, what is that? I want that. And so this is what happens as we're moving through our custody case as well is, you know, when you're doing this well and you're able to hold your head high and still find joy and pleasure in life, despite all the chaos that's going on around you, that influences the other people around you in positive ways, not the least of which is your children, which brings me to point number three. And I just want to say that the person that reached out to me and shared that she had recently lost her husband. Yeah, I just want to say thank you, thank you for reaching out and being vulnerable and, you know, that it really touched my heart. It really, this is a labor of love and I have continued it despite the loss of Thomas because I know the help that you guys need. And so to actually add that feedback and have somebody say, yeah, this has really helped me and it hasn't just helped me on this front. It's helped me on this other front that was totally unexpected for me, right? And it makes it feel like what I'm doing is worth it. What I'm doing has an impact. What I'm doing is affecting other lives in positive ways. And you know, that that's the ultimate joy right there. But point number three is it's what we model for our children, right? The behaviors that we model because when your children are watching you deal with a high conflict to ex, this is not the last time in your children's lives that they're going to have difficult people, right? So you know, it can come in the form of teachers, you know, I had a really, really difficult teacher when I was in fifth grade. I was so terrified of him. It was my first male teacher. He was very stern, very mean in my eyes at that age and I really was scared of him. And so it was a real kind of difficult year for me that year to have a male teacher. But I really kind of figured out that, you know, he wasn't so bad. He wasn't quite as bad as his bark was, you know, his bite wasn't really there as much as his bark. But that was a challenge for me, right? That was probably my first challenge in encountering a difficult person and a person that had authority over me as well. And so later on, that can be a boss, you know, or a coworker or, you know, when we're out in the world, we get a ticket, you know, the court, right? Police officers, whatever it is, there's many different areas of life, even just going to the grocery store half the time, right? We're going to encounter difficult people in our lives. And so you are modeling that example for your children now of how do I deal with people that do things I don't like? How do I deal with people that, you know, are just trying to get me to react? You know, how do I draw appropriate, healthy boundaries? How do I do all these things? You know, your children are watching you and so much more of what we do gets through to them than what we say. You know, as a parent, we kind of have all the little platitudes and things we want to say or things our parents said or things that we think will influence them. And ultimately, what influences them more than anything is what you do. And you don't really see that, I think, until a child hits their 20s. And then you start to see the behavior you modeled kind of reflected more back to you. In the meantime, it just feels like, you know, putting water down a bottomless pit. It feels like nothing's happening, right? It feels like the whole will never fill. But eventually when they hit their 20s, you start to see how your own behaviors kind of come back at you. And that includes the bad ones along with the good ones. You know, my children are 29 and 33. And I would say they both have good and bad habits of both me and their dad. And so when you're moving through this, if the only thing that can keep your sanity is remember that your children are watching, then remember your children are watching. Because that is going to influence them, not only in their relationship with the other parent, not only in their relationship with subsequent people in their lives, but also in how they choose to handle their future relationships and that interaction. That's all fed to what you're modeling for them now. So try to let it be the love as much as you can. OK, I know none of us love our exes, but you can behave in a loving way, despite how you feel. Now, there's a balance to that. I have a boundary, especially when you have a narcissistic or high conflict ex. But I think that you can still commit things in a joyful, friendly and loving manner and still have good boundaries. Those two things are able to be accomplished and balanced in this process. And then I would say the fourth thing is, is it's kind of the community that we create as a result of this, right? Your village is essentially your community, all these different components that I've talked about. It's all of those brought together to create the environment or the community that you're then using to support you and that you're then surrounding your child with, right? So those people that you talked to on the regular that are influencing you and helping you feel emotionally supported, you know, the way that you're behaving and moving through your world and all of the people around you that you're influencing along the way, that's all creating this sort of global picture that influences your life, ultimately, right? Is your life characterized by constant conflict and anger and fighting with the other person and negativity and stress and in all of these negative emotions or are you really cultivating your village and trying to surround yourself and model the positive approach and positive energy for your family despite the negativity that's sort of been dumped on your head? And you know, you guys, this was the thing that really inspired this episode for me was this message from this person today because you really, we go through our lives so quick and so busy, right? I'm so busy. Like my dad just texted me a little while ago and said, "Hey, is this a good time to call you?" And it's like, "Well, I'm in the middle of recording, but you know what? One of my dad is more important." So I hit my dad 77, and I lost my mom suddenly 10 years ago, and of course, I lost promise, and so I don't take for granted that my dad is still here. And so I said, "Okay, at the end of this episode, I'm going to cut and I'm going to take a little break and I'm going to talk to him and then I'll come back." And so when I got this message from this person, it really reminded me of how we're just going through our lives and we're so busy and we feel like we don't have enough time to work or parent or call and check on our parents or our friends or our sick relative or whatever it is for you. And yet, at the same time, as you're moving so haphazardly through all of those things, you are impacting people around you. You are having either a positive or a negative impact depending on how you choose to go about it. So I want you to, when I say it takes a village, know that the people you choose to surround yourself does impact how you're raising your kids, but also you're always a part of somebody else's village because somebody else is seeing you and the way that you're modeling and they're either going, "Oh, I don't want to be like that," which is not what we want them to think, right? Or they say, "Wow, look at this person, look how they've done, look how they've managed despite the difficult circumstances." But you can inspire people and you can give people hope and you can give people positivity in their life. And who of us doesn't want to go around having a positive impact on everyone around us, that's my goal for sure. So I hope this is a little bit more of an uplifting episode for you and reminds you of all the things that you are impacting on a daily basis, whether you realize it or not. If you would like to learn more about my coaching services, you can go to divorceuniversityonline.com/vip- coaching. There's a link on that page. You can book a time to speak to one of my staff and learn how I might be able to support you on this journey. I hope you guys have a great week. See you next time. Thank you for listening to the Divorce University online podcast with your host, Tammy Ferreira. For more information, visit www.divorceuniversityonline.com.