Hellooooo! I had the most fun conversation with Trae and Jo, the hilarious and amazing women of the podcast, "Befri and Stend, Dysfunctionally Funny". They are amazing women putting a lot of love into the world. You can find them here: https://open.spotify.com/show/6gtM1BwNq5p7pZhAm9UoYO or here: https://www.facebook.com/DysfunctionallyFunny These women having amazing minds so check them out and hear the world of their inner thoughts!
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 65: Dysfunctionally Funny
- Hello, and welcome to our podcast. - Oh, this is Dorothy and Joanne and we have Melissa. - Like, I think a psychologist would have a field day with this guy. - You know, fuck you, shut up, I'm on break. (upbeat music) ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ - Welcome to Emotionally Unavailable, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy. I'm your host, Melissa Hepner, and I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey on this journey of self-discovery and connection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape, this podcast is here to inspire, empower, and entertain. So get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together. - Hello, everyone. Today's episode is with my new little besties, Tracy and Joanne. They have a wonderful podcast called Disfunctionally Funny and they are hilarious. I did not know what we were doing exactly. I didn't know which show we were recording for theirs or mine, and let's just say I got, I had a little too much pen in preparation for this. And so you will hear a little bit of that in this episode, but we had such a good time and look out for future collaborations between us because that is going to happen. And I'm really excited about that. So anyway, this was just a really fun discussion and I just had so, I had a really good time with them. So I hope that you guys have a good time. The way that I have edited this was in a way that gave you a good idea of the type of show that they have mixed with the type of show that I have. So we actually were together for like three hours. So I condensed a lot and like I said, I just kind of made the flow in a way that would give you guys an idea of what kind of show they have because I think that you will love them. They are so wonderful and I'm really excited. So Joanne, when you listen to this, will you please fucking email me? So I can get like your phone number or something. Okay, thank you. All right, well, I hope that you guys enjoy this episode and try and Jo. I hope y'all like what I did with the editing. So here you go. ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ - All right, I thought up again, but I did not. So I'm gonna pat myself on the back for that. - Are you recording now? Oh my God. Yes, I am. A man them early days of using Google fucking my bedroom. Actually, my bedroom doesn't look that great right now if I'm being real, but my corner is, you know, but at that time I had like an entire bed full of laundry and I was like, do you know, let's throw the blanket over it because my computer was facing the bed until I accidentally broke the setup and I was like, fuck, starting from square one again, guys. - But what I would do around, please. We're gonna fucking ride it out and hopefully somebody who cares about my existence is gonna come and see if I'm thirsty or something because I am and, you know. - Well, if you were here, we would definitely, we would have at least a water for you. - I would be so grateful for that. I haven't even heard from Brian yet and I asked for donut, damn it. (laughing) I was like, where's the love here? Oh my God, Google just said, we are reducing noise. (laughing) I was like, oh, I was yelling apparently. I'm sorry. (laughing) Okay, let me do like a little-- - Do the intro, yeah. - Yeah, let's say hello. This is the way I'm gonna introduce you with my high ass right now. These are my little homies. We've been corresponding back and forth from threads and we were like, hey, let's support each other, which is so fucking rad. And I was like, you wanna be on my podcast? And then y'all were like, well, yeah, you wanna be on ours? Hell yeah, woo. And then we were supposed to do this two weeks ago, but somehow I got the time zones mixed up. Like it is stuck so bad 'cause it actually would have worked out so much better for me at five than at seven, which is when I thought we were recording. And I was like, I mean, I was like having to do all kinds of shit that I wish had been done in a different way. And I was like, that's fine. It's gonna be so fun, you know? And then I come in here and I was like, my chest hurts so bad because I was like, oh my God. I fucking got the time zone wrong. So then I was like, damn it. But I was like, having to do deep breathing about how you probably didn't characterize me as a irresponsible person who didn't care about yours. No, we didn't at all. - My son, I heard someone, I heard someone. - Is Brian home, will you tell him to please break protocol and give me a fucking refill on my water? - Thank you. - I love that break protocol. I've got a sign on the basement door and they don't listen to it. - Hi, will you please refill my water? I'm so fucking thirsty. - You fucked me. - Yes. - No, I'm gonna, (laughing) - I love her. - I do too. - We're gonna tell them the story. I'm doing it, I'm telling them. I'm gonna put this on my show. And then I never even have to worry about anyone who noticed this, okay? Oh my God, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead. Okay. Oh, fuck. Okay, so I think it was Wednesday's episode was a fucking so fucking episode. - I was in that one. - And I've totally was so jazzed on Monday, like I've built a life where I'm gonna fucking time to do that tomorrow and then I don't even know what the fuck I did, but it wasn't that. So this is important to me to be like, all right. I'm gonna multitask, so Brian, if you could just be in your office, I'm gonna do it while I get ready. I don't give a fuck about noise, you know, I don't give a shit, y'all just get what you're getting and don't throw fit and I'm fucking, I cannot believe I'm telling you this, but I fucking parted, okay? And I was like, I'll edit that shit out, okay? (laughing) - It did a lot. - And then you thought I did edit it out and did not give that episode a full run through prior, okay? Because I had a bunch of one-on-ones that like at that time, that's why I was multitasking to begin with, I barely edited it and I thought I got it and I did it. I'm in the fucking car rider line to pick up my daughter, trapped, and I hear myself fart on smokey, okay? And I was like, okay, I'm gonna have to do it. I have to dig really fucking deep right now into every ounce of my healing to revive this particular embarrassment. And so I was like, it is funny and we are going to laugh and move the fuck on, but I was at the same time quickly, thank you, Brian, quickly trying to fucking get the episode down, turned into a whole thing. And so then I called Brian and I'm like, hey, I mean, I'm dying laughing. Charlie has had me clip the fart and so we're like playing it, oh, wait, that's fine. So then I called Brian to laugh, like a couple of few hours later, I won't lie, it did take me a minute to be able to laugh that hard about it, but I called him and I was like, hey, have you listened to today's episode yet? And he was like, uh-huh, okay, so you may know what I'm about to tell you then. And he's like, are you talking about if I heard the same thing you heard at about behind minute mark? Yeah, what the fuck, bro? So I like telling the whole story and whatever and I was like, what time did you listen? 'Cause I was like, why the fuck didn't you tell me that you heard that? And he was like, I wasn't sure if you were able to like fix it. So I was like, there's a chance she'll never know what happened. And so I was like, oh, dear. So I was like, okay, what time did you listen? And he's like, 11, I was like, Brian, I had just fucking posted it. You had told me then nobody would have heard it for sure. But, you know, I had to be like- - You talking about episode 62? - Me? - Yes. - Yeah, I listened to it. - Yeah, I don't hear it. - I didn't hear anything. - What? - You know, I pulled it down and fucking fixed it. - Oh, okay. - Yeah, that's the thing that I was worried about is for the automatic downloads. - Oh my God, yeah. - It fixed that. And Brian had listened on an automatic download and when he went back to the same one, it didn't play it. I laughed so hard about it, I've considered, okay, so you know how the end, it's like I-N-D-E, and that came along like after Sierra's episode, I fucking clipped that 'cause she's such a smartass that I was like, I love that for me. So, I said to you, you finally get your shit together and listen to my show, you're gonna love that. Well, I've considered adding the fuck up after. (laughing) - There's, well, I don't know how many episodes you've listened to of ours, but there's been a few times that Joanne will just- - Well, Tracy walks away and there's dead air and I don't want dead air. - She can't stand dead air. Like the one time she was singing. And so I put that after the end after the outro music. - Yeah. - And then there was a time where we mimicked the dubs and every once in a while I'll just throw that in the episode. - Yeah, and then what was the- - I don't know, but I'm always surprised because she keeps it a secret from me. So then when I listen to the episode, as soon as she lets it out, I'm like, ah! - The last one happened! - Tender fish, oh, tinder fish, yes. Oh, 'cause tinder fish, man, tinder. - Yeah. - That was a fun one. That was a fun one. (laughing) It was way more fun than the tinder dates I went on. Except for the one that resulted in what's going on upstairs. (laughing) I kept one. He didn't fish. So yeah, he didn't fish or hunt. He didn't have a bar. He didn't have a bar. Oh my God, that fucking idiot. (laughing) If you listen, if you have time later, you need to listen to tinder fish where I go over every tinder date I had and why they were bad because there was one guy, like I think a psychologist would have a field day with this guy because now I am, I have ADHD and I am on the spectrum. So I'm very, I get social cues. But I get the social cues that you are exhibiting. So if you are trying to portray yourself one way but you really mean it a different way, I'm not gonna get the different way. I'm only gonna get the way that you're portraying it. So we'd been back and forth a few times in text and finally we agreed that we would meet and because I am like YOLO and I have zero cares about my own personal safety apparently, I just went to his house. Right, I did it a few times. Like yeah, I listen to, sometimes I listen to true crime and I'm like, I should have been murdered at least six times. No shit. Right, so I go to this dude's house. Oh, I know she's chewing. 'Cause I yell at her 'cause she'll chew into the microphone. I'm like, you've gotta stop chewing. (laughing) They're like, you can visibly see she's off camera too. That's great. So I go to this guy's house. His name is Adam. I hope he's listening. He's not listening because he's stupid but he's not unattractive. He kind of reminds me of one of my cousins and looks so I was already not really into it. 'Cause I'm like, no, I don't think so but whatever, I'm gonna try to go against type. I go to his house and he's got a dog and I love dogs and she's a good girl. She's such a good girl. And so I'm spending time petting the dog and talking to the dog and I'm talking to him when he talks to me. He has a living room that you walk into and then normally where the dining room is off of the kitchen, he has a bar set up. Complete with like green walls, like Irish pub style and he's got like a TV mounted in the corner. Like it's a bar and he's got the big wooden bar with the stools and he sits down at the fourth stool by the back door and I sit down at the first stool under the TV because I'm a guest. I'm not gonna encroach upon your territory but I am gonna be polite and take a seat. And we spent hours talking. We had, he made old fashions and I had a few drinks and after like three hours, it's like 11.30 and I'm like, I guess I'm just gonna go. - Yeah. - 'Cause I mean, it'd be real, it's tender. I was there for a specific reason and that reason was not happening. - Right. - And so, I guess you thought I was walking in with a whip, but uh... - Right, right. Yeah, like, I mean, if we're not gonna do this and you're just gonna sit there, then I'm just gonna go home and take care of it myself. I don't need you. - Yeah, and I can drink it home, brother. - Right. - I'm gonna do it myself. - I'm gonna do it myself. - And this, so... - So I left and I drove home and I texted him. I was like, wow, I probably shouldn't have driven home and he's like, yeah, probably not. And I was like, well, it was a good time and I hope we, you know, I hope we can do it again. And he said, are you serious? And I'm like, well, yeah, he's like, you were, I don't remember the exact words. I actually took a screenshot because I was like, I was like living in that hatred for a little bit where he was like, you were painfully awkward or something like that. - Oh my God. - And I went, I went, whoa, whoa, huh? I was, I was, I was, I was my least awkward self. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? And he said, you sat in the farthest chair from me. So there were four bar stools at this bar, this makeshift white trash bar that he had. - Oh God. - And he sat in the fourth stool and I sat in the first stool. Now, you are a social worker, you know the brain, you get it. So like, if you want somebody to sit next to you, do you sit in the fourth stool or do you sit in the second or third stool to where sitting next to you? That's the second or third stool. - Yeah, that way you had to sit next to me. - So, or would you make it unavoidable? And I would have had to sit next to you because, and that's what I said to him. I'm like, if you wanted me to sit in the bar stool. - Oh, yeah. (laughing) - Like I said, I wasn't there because I thought I was gonna marry him. - Well, no, but I guess that's why I'm like, I, I... - Right. - Like with the dating apps, like you just think that you're gonna show up and if you're offering me a drink, work, well, oh shit, I'm projecting, this is how it would go for me. Is that what we're gonna do is we're gonna maybe have a drink and then dirty talk that whole time and then get down. Like what the fuck are you doing, you know what I mean? - But no, instead I spent four hours sitting in a bar stool talking with this dude about 90s music and in every, every minute that passed... - Oh God. - She got drier and drier. (laughing) - Fuck! - Because the man was boring as fuck and he wasn't trying at all. And then all of a sudden, now it's my fault because I did not walk in and go lay down, I'm gonna sit on your face. - Right. - Pretty. Yeah. Oh, see. - I was painfully awkward. I'm like, no, I wasn't awkward. I was reading your social cues. - I can see, okay, okay. No, I'm so sorry. I can't, I have to say it. I can see both sides, honestly. Like I felt you, I was right there with you. - Right. - And also picturing myself in a masculine energy when I showed up, and you know, we've all done it. - Right, right. - When I showed up for that interaction, but I was, I was like, trying to ready to go. So if I had an interaction with someone that like, oh, your energy is not there. It's not where, like, I am right now. You know, then I'm like, oh, well, I'm feeling a little protective. Like, are you, are you good? Is there a way to ease you into this? 'Cause that's not really what I was expecting. - Right. - And then he's not awkward as fuck you. - Right, like, like there was zero, there were no signs from him. Like there was no, like, I even put my legs on the stools in between us. Not a thing. 'Cause you know, like, you know, when you're like trying to get it, you're gonna be like, you're gonna be like, let me just part my legs with a dip that went up on a stool. I don't know, like, if you feel that heat. (laughing) - You know, my airy's rising ass totally gets that seat. 'Cause that fire, it'll burn deep in your loins. So, you know, the tears will get in where you fucking fit in. - And he didn't, when I said, oh, I guess it's time I gotta go, he did not, he didn't make a single statement. It was like, oh yeah, okay. And I'm like, I was, and I was just being polite with the whole, we should do this again. Because I had zero intentions, because it was the most boring four fucking hours. - Are you also a person who sends fucking thank you cards? - No. (laughing) No, but at this time, at this time, I'm trying to get laid. That's all I was trying to do, isn't it? - I know, baby, I know. - It was a summer of dick. - I'm with you, I'm with you. - Jesus Christ. - Jesus Christ. - Jesus Christ. - I looked at bugs of Oklahoma. - Okay, so if this isn't your state, if this isn't your state, I will probably never be in your state. - I've not ever seen that myself. So, I'm quite sure it's here somewhere because the bugs here did ascend from the pits of hell. - Oh yeah. - You know, you just never really know, but I was a little bit taken aback today when I just happened to look up after that spider incident and be like, hey, there's, we have a spider on the wall. Okay, that's not good. Oh, there's a couple on the ceiling. Oh no, like I was like, fuck. And then I just was like, you know what though? If I leave this room, it never happened. So that's what I did. I was walking to my bedroom. - Yo, and I was like, this was way before a rat in a phobia, okay? That was like, I was probably like, I don't know, I feel like I was around nine when that movie came out, but much younger than that, I observed a movie, I don't remember what it was called, but it was probably called Tarantula because it was all about Tarantulas. And they were like, this big! And you know what those fucking spiders did? The whole movie was in black and white and they would, I think it was in black and white. I was so traumatized, I probably just took the color out of my brain, but they spun them all in webs and killed them. Like all of the people of the town, one by one died in a web. And I was like, oh my God, this is awful. And now when people talk about spiders, I'm like, this guy, get me! This guy, get me in the web! - Oh, I'm the spider killer of my house. - I can't, like I had a friend in high school when I lived here in this town. I would spend the night at her house. And I had spent the night at her house for a few months before I realized she had a Tarantula for a pet. Ew, who was that? Oh, she lived here in this town. Yeah, and I was like, I gotta go. - Yeah. - And she's like pulling out. She's like, he's really sweet. I'm like, nope. - No. - No, not everything with fur is cute. Sorry, no. - Well, no, see, and you said fur and that made me feel ill, but I just really don't believe that there's anything fucking sweet about a fucking Tarantula. Like somebody, you just want to be seen, honey, because that thing is fucking ugly and doesn't think anything. So it doesn't have feelings. Well, it might, shit, we don't know, but you know, for the most part, if it makes feelings, I don't care what they are. - I don't want to care. I never really-- - It's got to be like-- - I never really taken a go when I got this image of this fucking, like Charlotte, you know? I was like, I do care about Charlotte though. Like a lot. - And what? - Charlotte was a good spider, but she knew her place. - Yeah, she still died and let her children eat her. - Yeah, oh, that was awful. - I want to throw up so bad. That was not a good feeling. That was not a good feeling. - Oh, dad's story. Yeah, my husband won't kill a spider at all. He always haulers for me to kill the spiders because when he was little, he stepped on a spider, barefooted, and it had babies all over its back and they scattered. Yeah, and then-- - But I'm not a girl. - Listen, come here, you have to come to the mic and tell the story of you and David. So my daughter and her brother, my two kids, this is their story about the spider in the garage telling. - Oh my God. - Okay, so he, David Lee came out and texted me. - Yeah, you have to beat that place in the mic. - Oh, anyway, David Lee called me and-- (laughing) - This is my daughter Alexis. - Hi. - Anyway, so David Lee had called me outside because he said, there's this really big fucking spider outside and I don't know if I'm heavy enough to kill it. So I was like, okay, I'll be out in a second. So we killed it and then baby scattered everywhere and he was like, oh shit. So we took the race car tire because it's flat and wide and rolled it all across the ground and the garage, that way it would kill all the spiders. - Oh, wow, my God, I'm scared to kill him here. (laughing) - Yeah, I had to have her tell that story. - Dad's like self-fulfilling prophecy. - I'm the spider killer in the house and I'm the snake killer and everything. - Oh shit. - Okay, fuck off. - What do you mean? - Right comes in my house, I'm running, I'm not. - Oh no, I have to, if I see a bug babies, I'm done and I told you who moved in here. I said, 'cause he's very, I'm not really big into the gender roles only because I've had to do all of them for so long that I'm like, whatever, I'll move on, I'll do whatever, I'll fix shit, I'll do the plumbing. But he came in and he's like, you know, you're not gonna have to do this and you're not gonna have to do that and I'm like, I'm not gonna have to take the trash out. He's like, what? I'm like, ah, I'm not touching the trash ever again. If you live here, you're taking the trash out. If you don't take it out, it don't go out. 'Cause I'm not gonna, ha ha, no, because they're, they're unreasonably large for no reason. - Yeah, one time I was, I had texted my mom a few years ago, 'cause I've been in this house for like 11 years now. - Oh my God. - And five or six years ago, I had texted my mom and I was complaining about, I was hoping for commiseration from her about how disgusting the trash was. And she, at the time, she had lived in the house that she had moved from and she had a pond and she had fish and she had like koi fish and she would feed them. And she's like, well, next time when you go out, put some, you know, take, you know, put some in a jar and bring them to me. I was like, bitch, if you want some of these fucking things, you come out here with a pair of tweezers and a Tupperware and you get 'em yourself because I'm not, and she never did. So yeah, I don't touch the trash. - I'm not harvesting this shit for you. - I am not, you know, your fish could die of starvation. It was either a fish or some bird or some shit. I don't even remember. Stop it. - Did you still damn woo woo that like? - I'm going to end up with a fucking bird house soon. I'm going to have, I'm going to be that person begging the hummingbirds and bees in their backyard. Like now I'm all just one with nature and shit, except I have a kid who's she overheard me the other day and decided today to bring it up. So I was like, no, let her my voice a minute. 'Cause I was kind of dismissive actually, so I'm going to have to repair that number. Well, I was like, we might as opposed to be fucking listing you a little bitch. Anyway, no, she's fucking dramatic, okay. So I'm going to have a bird around because she'll be like, well, maybe birds, I'm probably being a bitch right now, but you know, like, I couldn't have a bee anywhere near, that's for sure, like I'm trying to teach her to calm the fuck down about stuff. But I'm like, and I can't say shit 'cause all my kids are assholes because of me. So, you know, I'm like, - I heard that. - Yes, Mary. - Mary, girl, we are on the same page. - We're in a parrot, I guess, because what do you create when you're a bitch? So, - Pretty much. - Like 'cause my son, my oldest is a Scorpio and fuck, cuts me zero slack. And it's just that, you know. - Yeah, I have two Pisces. - I want the emotionally unavailable, so you have what? - I think, I don't know where to answer it. - I have two Pisces. I don't know, you know what, Abby? - Two Pisces, Jake is a Pisces. - Yeah, well, no, I gotta look at that. - But they are too opposite. They are completely opposite. - Well, if you have a bunch of placements in your sunshine, then you'll act more like your sister's sign. It's like, it's the shit you have to learn to evolve. - What do you mean? - Okay, like I'm a Gemini, right? But I'm not a very good example, actually, because I act a lot like a Gemini. But if you're a Pisces and you have like your Mercury there, your Mars, Saturn, maybe Jupiter, like some of the bigger things, but you don't really come off as a Pisces, it's probably because you are actually acting, you'll come off as a Pisces maybe, but you're actually acting more like your sister's sign. I think Pisces is Virgo, yeah. So like, you'll come across like that. But the thing about Pisces, boys are very different from girls. Like the girl Pisces are usually pretty sweet in comparison. Well, actually, I don't wanna say that. Jake is very sweet, but, you know, the girl Pisces, I know, they're sweet, but they're very malby and they do not hold back and it gets their asses in some trouble, you know what I mean? The boys Pisces- - Wait, tell me more. - The boy Pisces, very similar, but boys Pisces are very like hold everything in and do not share. And actually, it's a pretty Pisces trait in general, but the boys, boy, it's everything is held to their chest. That's why Pisces and Aquarius are actually very similar because they are so secretive and you're not allowed to be a human. You know what I mean? Like no, you have to triumph over humanity. You can't like have normal feelings or make normal mistakes. You gotta provide and conquer. And the Pisces are so spiritual too, whether they're ever in tune with it or not, they're very psychic and very able to like do shit. But that's why they're insomniacs too because their brain is very, very full. - This is what I was worried about with their COVID-19. - Don't be crying, don't be a little bit. - Oh my goodness. - That's why I'm off the camera. (laughs) - No. - And the old community, is her front of face looks alarmingly like a laughing face. - And I've never been able to tell the fucking difference. I swear to God. In 30 years, it does. She's like, yeah. - Yeah. - I have, wow. I have a 24 year old Taurus and a 21 year old Aries. And the Taurus is the one, you know how when you have multiple children and my mother says this all the time that if she would have had me first, she would have had more kids. I had that kid first and that's my Taurus, my daughter. And she's better now. - Well, I wouldn't say two earth signs, but definitely Taurus and Capricorn, I could see that being, especially like, would you know you're rising? - Leo. - And your moon? - Cancer. - Okay, yeah. So you can't, even though you're a Capricorn at your core, obviously you present even as a Capricorn. Like you don't present like a Leo rising, but at least not this version of you that I've received. - Right. - Yeah, I'm very much not, I'm not flashy. (laughs) - Right. - See, I'm a Leo moon and I feel like I'm more into that, like what, but actually, I bet you're not attracted to fleshy. - Right. - But I am not flashy. - It doesn't help you seem just as in the place to want the attention. - Right, exactly. - Right, yeah. Okay, I feel you see, and that's where I was too. And one of my friends kind of made a smart ass remark to me when we were out in public one day, and I'm not gonna say who, but they were like, well, you wanted to be the center of attention, go be the center of attention. And I was like, you know what? I fucking do want to be the center of attention. (all laughing) That's the thing is it's like a daily mind shift habit where you just like figure out like, okay, I think if I get rid of any ounce of shame that I've carried on my back for years, then I don't actually fucking give a shit about what anybody else thinks. And I am so fucking powerful in that moment where I'm like, okay, yeah, because you know what? It's not this fucking assured version of me that I'm talking to right now. That's so fucking afraid, because you're a badass and you know that. It's this person inside of you that's still trying to figure shit out 'cause she's emotionally stunted because we were raised by a generation of fucking emotionally unavailable psycho. - I was raised by the silent generation and a boomer. I have this struggle where I want to be the center of attention. I want to be seen, I want to be loved and admired and celebrated. And then the other part of me is like, I don't think they're gonna like it. - Right, yeah. I mean, you know, if you identify with the archetype of the compassion that's held for that generation of parents where I have clients who do this, where they really can hold such compassion for their parents and say they were doing their best, they knew that they were doing better than their parents, blah, blah, blah, right? And I love that because then I don't have to teach compassion in this way. - Right, exactly. - But at the same time, you have to hold space for the fact that you were not allowed to exist. - And that's exactly it. - You've not heard. - And that's exactly it because like I said, you know, my dad, he passed away in June. Sometimes it comes and it kind of like slaps you in the face. Dad was, my dad was my dude. I loved my dad. And I do think looking back that my dad was actually on the spectrum because a lot of his demands and his things that made him comfortable, it really, really kind of sinks in with that. But obviously we can't figure that out now. But he had a lot of ideas of how things should be and things should go and, you know, like, everything has a place. And if you put it in the wrong place, there was a big, fun deal. - Yeah. - And then my mom was a boomer, or she still is a boomer actually. She's still with us. (laughs) And so she's a little bit more of a free spirit, but she's a little, I mean, like they were-- - It was still a difference, rules all. - Yeah. And there was like a 22 year age difference between the two of them. So I mean, you got that there too. Like we're not gonna, I'm not gonna project. It worked for them and that's all there is to it. But my dad, even though he had all of these idiosyncrasies and all of these demands of how you needed to be and how you needed to act, I was the kid that kind of, because I had the ADHD and I had the autism spectrum that we didn't know about the time, but at the time, all they thought was I was spirited and a little rebellious, a little unruly, and I did whatever the fuck I wanted to, and I didn't give a shit about what anybody said. I think I kind of broke my dad a little bit in a good way. - Yeah. - Because my mom does say that, you know, there was a lot of standards. Like when you go to sleep, your windows are closed. Your blinds are closed. This has to be turned off, that has to, whatever. Everything has its place. And my mom was bitchin, I guess. She just told me about this last week and that's why I'm repeating it. She told me last week that there was a time where she had complained to my dad that every time I went to bed, she would have to go in and close my window because when night comes, you closed the blinds on the window 'cause people could see in. - Right. - And my mom's biggest thing was always protect the children. - My grandma had to, yeah. - Yeah, so, but I would always open it. And my dad said to her, little girls need windows to dream out of. So my dad was like, leave her the fuck alone, let her do what the fuck she wants. And I always tell people because I am very much, I am very much a leftist. I'm very, I'm very progressive. I'm a little bit anarchistic in a lot of ways. And I'm very, I'm very progressive and open-minded and all this stuff. And I'm a feminist and I'm anti-racist and I'm all these things. And my dad, who was 86 years old when he passed, he was a cop in the South. He was in the military. He was raised like in a very conservative family in this area of the country. My dad is the reason I am those things. - Right. - And he was the silent generation. So like he was a rubble in his time. And he would again, win against all of things. And he was a fucking Aries also. - I'm not surprised. - Right. So like all of those things, and then I've got this boomer side of my mom who's very overly concerned with what people think and what people think. - That's the only thing they care about. - It's, that's, that's exactly it. And because like I'm looking at the associations that she keeps, whether it's on Facebook or real life. And you know, she's talking about how this is what she believes, but every time she states that, this is the pushback she gets. And I'm like, why do you allow them access to you? Stop allowing them access to you. You don't owe them anything. Well, they're a nice person. Obviously they're not a nice person if they're making you feel this way. So like I've been spending the last. - Jed, I don't even know. It really ramped up when my dad started declining. It really ramped up because I'm like, he's not going to be here to protect you. You need to, to figure this shit out. So I'm like, you, you need to establish these boundaries. You need to stop allowing people access to you that don't deserve it. And that's what I've been trying to kind of impress upon Joanne also, which is why she went from the whole. - Is your mama Libra? - She is a, I believe she's a Scorpio in November 12th. Yeah, so she's a Scorpio. But she's also like the, the second to youngest of multiple children. I think it was like five or six children. - Yeah. - So very much, she's very much a people pleaser. - Yeah. - And you know, she's the, the family that she grew up in. Obviously like in the 50s and 60s, they weren't, you know, corporal punishment was a big thing. They didn't think about some, they didn't think twice about like smacking the head or whatever. - Right, right. - Very much a people pleaser. She tries to take care of people up until the last couple of years, she wouldn't tell people no. So she would constantly be on the run. She'd do charities and she'd be helping out with people and she'd go visit people and she'd take people to the store and she will not tell people no. And I finally said, you not telling people no, is what gave you a fucking heart attack. And now after my dad passed, she's just kind of, she kind of sits in her house, exists. She watches TV and she's, and she's on the one hand, she's like, this is driving me crazy. But on the other hand, she's like, this is kind of nice. - Yeah, but like, that's the sad part. That's where I can really have compassion too is like, those women, the reason that that generation and older were so critical and did worry so much about appearance is because they did not have an identity outside of raising children and being a wife. So we were a direct reflection of them. We were their only validation. We represented them in their mind. We were an extension of them. And I'm like, yeah, no, I am none of those things actually. And I also didn't ask to be born. So- - We're all right. Well, the thing with my mom though is because we both, I ended up actually in the same industry that she was in. So we were in the logistics in the shipping industry, which is a male dominated industry is trucking. It's logistics. It's a type of engineering. It's very, very much male dominated. And you can't have feelings, you really can't. And she was in that and she had a lot of the pushback and the, you know, I'm not gonna listen to you 'cause you're a woman thing. So I, aside from my dad, I also had that side from my mom who when she was at work, she could push back and she could say, you're not talking to me like that. You're not gonna act like that. You're not whatever. But I saw you and I was like, maybe she's just really concentrating on what I'm saying. - No, he's like, it's not fucking working. Okay, I'm a bad, my bad. - Oh, I wonder how much is, wait, where she has been in there? - Listen, it's a lot better than the other one. It's more truck, it's more truckly. - I love how Joanne's Aries asks is like, oh my God, Tracy's crying. Let me go get some more alcohol for every one of you. - Yeah, you walked out. I was like, my dad passed in June. Hold on. Because I'm not, I'm not a very emotional person. Like, I can watch a movie that everybody cries at and I'm like, I don't see the big deal. Right, but like my dad was my best friend and we've talked about this before. Like, you know, Joanne's very much a crying is cathartic and it's a necessary thing and he need this outlet. But I come from, again, the autism might play a part growing up when you cry and your parents who are yelling at you were saying, stop crying or we're gonna give you something to cry about. You eventually stop the crying under every single circumstance. So anytime that you cry, right. And there's been times where it started and I'm like, oh, maybe this is it. It's kind of like, and this is a really, really, really bizarre comparison. But it's kind of like when you're about to orgasm and then you stop. - I mean, I think that works. - It sounds so confusing. - But I mean, it kind of, it is. It's not at the same sensation, but it's a similar ideal. We're, 'cause you're about to-- - That's just disappointment. - Like, no, it's not like, fuck, I gotta do this myself. - No, 'cause it's like about, no, I don't. There was, it's about the release. Everybody talks about the release. It's very cathartic and I never get there. - It's not though. - I do not feel that with actual feelings. You're just crying because you're over rot with you knowing there is a feeling there, but you're in a void in it. You're avoiding that shit. - Yes, she is. - So you're putting it along with the person. - Not, no, but it's also subconscious. Unless you decide to be very intentional about unpacking that shit, you're living on an autopilot that just says, hey, I have a negativity bias. I've gotta confirm every shit narrative that's ever been created. And so I'm gonna see the worst in every person, place, and thing that I encounter. - Do you know what the weird thing is though? - But the weird thing is, is there's this weird, there's a weird thing that I'm gonna tell you about. - It's not so much. - Yeah, but it's not so much that I gotta see the bad in everything. 'Cause I really, no, she really doesn't. - I really don't. I say, 'cause you can even ask Joanna. I'll be like, well, maybe they're like, I have had some shit bosses. Something in my brain like that. - It's associating and coming back in at the wrong time. - Yep, after it was too late. - You're an avoidance. - Oh, definitely, definitely. That's 90% of my personality is avoidance. That's why I nap all the time. - Absolutely, absolutely. - When things are bad, I go take a nap. - But you know what, like discovering that I too am an avoidant, who knew? - Now I'm like, oh my God, it's so sad because we all we want is love. - Think about it, hey? - Yeah, but we don't want to really love love. - What was the one episode where I like had that fucking epiphany? Oh God, which one? That was the dipshit episode, wasn't it? I think the dipshit was because I was like, you have to listen to that episode, Melissa. - Okay, Tinder, bitch. - No, no, it was dipshit and echo. - And dipshit. - And echo. - Okay, well, I'm just writing them down so that I remember. - Exactly, I'll find it. Hold on one second. - And what did I say? I was like, and I just do this and I do this and I do this and I just wait for somebody to love me. And then I'm like, whoa. - Whoa. - Whoa. Yeah. Is that when your people pleasing got better? - I don't know, did it, Tracy? - You've gotten better, but now you've gotten aggressive. Now you're a little out of control. - Well, but I mean-- - You know what I mean? - People pleasing to me. - Yeah. Hold on, I have something to say about that. - It's an evolution. You'll find that happening with you. - Did you call it dipshit? Is that what you said? - Yeah, dipshit and echo. - Okay, so here, let me tell you this. Okay, you know, I don't know if you listened to this, but I didn't have this episode called Embracing My Fire. Okay? And it was because I was just learning how to advocate for myself finally. And, you know, I really thought that I needed to do that in a way that was soft because I still was trying to be a perfectionist in how I delivered my communication. And ultimately, I was still trying to win arguments by doing it in a way that was like, I can fucking tear you up with a very precise sentence and still come out looking like the good guy in essence. Okay? - Well, that's me. - I started to be in the good guy anymore though. - I started to lean in and be like, I'm gonna really like fill this fire. Like, you know what? If you make me mad, I'm gonna fucking let you know. You made me mad. Like, no, I'm no longer going to try to fit into spaces. Like, it's not my fucking job to make you comfortable. If you're fucking insulting me, I'm going to be a dick to you and that's that. But then, so I'm telling you, like, I get you and you will sit in that while that serves you. You've gone through a lot of changes to get to be a person who is basically just being brave. Like, you're doing things that scare you. So you have to do that with that amount of fire and think that version of you for teaching you how to give that kind of love to yourself. - I can't thank, I can't thank me. Do you know who I think? I think, I'm gonna cry. - I'm gonna say this was gonna happen. - I'm gonna thank my daughter because she's the one that told me all the time, you need to chant to yourself, you are not responsible for other people's happiness. - I like to think that this is my daughter. - That's what she does for me. - She sees what I don't see and 99% of the time, I feel like she shouldn't have to do that. She shouldn't have to see that. - That's your shame, that's your shame talking. Who cares? It's a blessing. - Oh, that was so dismissive. I'm sorry. - Well, that wasn't really that dismissive because I think-- - I didn't even let her show fucking sin, it's, I'm sorry. - Dracing never does either, it's okay. - No, I'm sorry, I'm so serious, I'm really sorry. I'm trying. - I'm trying, I'm trying. - Melissa is one of us. - One of us. - Whoa. - I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that it's not so much that it's, they're breaking the curse, that generation of curse. My daughter is very much, my children are very, there are two different people. My daughter is 24, my son is 24, 23. Holy shit, she's 23. She was born in 2001 and my son is 21. And they're very similar in a lot of ways, but they're very different in a lot of ways. And my son is very much the people pleaser. He wants everybody to be happy. He wants every-- - Well, he's an aries, is it? - Yes. - Yeah, that's why. - Yeah, and he wants everybody to be happy and he wants to make, he wants to be the reason. - Because of the conflict between you and your daughter. - Well, that and his father. So I've been married twice. I divorced their father and then I divorced their father because I'm never happy. But that's a whole different conversation. We're not into the weather right now. But he's very much a people pleaser. He wants everybody to be happy, grandparents, parents, friends, family. - Yeah, he's running around anticipating everyone's needs, yeah. - He has, we have gone on road trips and stopped at like McDonald's. And he will go out into the parking lot and pick up trash because it needs to be done. - Wow. - And I'm like, just do. - Well, there is that thing about an aries too that like, it's so much like Libra, almost like fair, balance, like rules. - Yes. - It's kind of, it's a fire sign thing where they're very much like, if I have to follow the rules, every mother fucker's gonna follow the rules. - Right. And that's, and honestly, that's kind of me too. Like, I mean, he gets a lot of that for me - Yeah, and he's very much, he wants it to be peaceful all the time and he will take parts of himself if it means peaceful. And I've tried to tell him, you don't need to do that. You don't need to kill parts of yourself so that somebody else will be happy. Whereas, conversely speaking, my daughter is very much the fiery side of me where she's like, fuck you, I don't care if you don't fucking like it. I ain't gonna fucking do it. And if you don't like it, guess what? And she has been like that since literally the moment she popped out of the womb. And for a lot of years, because I am who I am, it was very difficult for us to, I don't wanna say like, like, she wasn't difficult to parent, I guess, but she was definitely challenging. - Yeah. - And I think it's because I am who I am and I've always been who I am. And here I am raising the more rebellious side of me because there was never a side of her that would commiserate nothing. - Where's mom in the challenge you though, is that I really think because I didn't think that I could be any different from my husband. Like I was like, we're the fucking complete opposites, right? And then if I started picking him apart in my brain to be like, okay, let's start thinking about shit. I hate about him, right? And every last motherfucking thing that I hated about him was actually shit that I hated in myself. And I found that we're much more alike than I thought. And so I started to apply that. And this is what we have to do as avoidance because we literally don't, we're all on the spectrum because we don't know how to process shit the right way. - Right. - So, when you're-- - Now that I drink it out of the hose. - Thank you. - I just, I have to confess, I just have to confess. I would never drink out of the hose. - I do it all the time. - I could never do it. - I haven't in a long time. I couldn't even begin to tell you if I would or not because I didn't really have a drink with me at all times. - So, even as a kid, when they're like, we used to go to the hose and like, I'm just gonna go into the house and get a cup. - I wasn't allowed in the house. - We weren't allowed in the house, bitch. - I mean, I wasn't either, so I would go without until I was allowed to go around. - I remember being so, I remember being so thirsty as a kid, I'd wake up at like two o'clock in the morning and go into the bathroom and turn a busset on and just put my mouth over the fucking busset and just go on her. - Oh, we always had Dixie cups. - Okay, let me tell you, Joey, let me see you, you and me and you, right? Like, we're a different kind of avoidant than what Tracy is. So, Tracy, she's done everything she can to confirm to herself that she does not need a single motherfucker ever that started because she was like, oh, I'm not allowed in the house to get water, I'll fucking dehydrate myself. (laughing) Oh, I'll teach myself how to survive off my own motherfucking spit before I have a little motherfucker for a drink of water. And so, she's had to confirm that narrative throughout her whole life by depriving herself of shit. So that she can prove to herself that she is so tough. She don't need nobody, okay? And, but here's the beautiful thing that I've like really come to embrace about Capricorns is that like, Aquarius, even maybe some Pisces in their silence, they're not thinking about you. Out of sight, out of my, they don't, mm-hmm. Now, Capricorn, they are not gonna reach out probably. They're, you know, really avoidant, but they are loving you in the silence. They're not, you know, they're not, they are not completely forgetting about you. But, you know, they've had to decide that they need to live alone life. And so, they're like, oh, you'll reach out probably, but I wouldn't care if you didn't 'cause, you know. (laughing) Yeah. You know, just to give you a little. - I do wanna catch up with you though, Melissa, and maybe do not. You said you do counseling. I know you're super busy, but I'd love to talk to you. - Hell yeah, dude, I would love that. - Yeah, like, no, like, I have enough time. I was like, okay, okay, okay, okay. Lean in, bitch. Like, lean in, because if you wanna be this thing that fully fills the power of deserving, everything you're saying you deserve, and I fucking do, and I do believe it, and I am worthy of stepping into all of that, then I have to give the room for it. So, I'm just, I created like the therapy schedule for what I don't mind doing for a long time. Like, I've got the openings, whatever, and if there has to be like an evening session, I guess you better hurry and get the first one. You know what I mean? Like, I just, I'm like, I'm not, it's hard for me. My first original little babies, the first five of them, probably, I'll probably always make exceptions, but, you know, otherwise, it's gonna be fucking Hunger Games for those evening sessions 'cause. (laughing) This makes me feel a little bad because I'm raising this daughter who's never had me present because I've been so fucking miserable, her whole fucking life, and when I first started the podcast, I was still in the school, so I was, you know, well, should be honest, I was doing a lot there because I wasn't doing that job 'cause I was like, well, I didn't kinda wanna die, so I'm just gonna sit here and work on not doing that, and so I was just doing whatever I could there, but I had so, you guys know what goes into the podcast, like it's so much, and that was like not the only thing I was doing 'cause I was desperate, I was fucking flipping my shit, thinking I'm gonna be destitute, so I'm like creating the online store, I'm doing all these things, and then, I'm too high, I forgot, I got lost, I'm sorry. (laughing) - You were so good, and then the train, the train was like, 'cause we're fucking derail, man. (laughing) - I love the train, I love the train, I love it. - That was a full fucking stop. - That was, you had a fucking, like, something put a penny on that track, and it was like, broop, and just jump the track. (laughing) It's funny because sometimes I'll feel like some fucking spirit is speaking through me, and I'm so, like, out of control of it or whatever, and then, other times, I'm like, I got nothing. - I don't know. - Oh, that was great, but I love listening to you, and I was like, I'm so excited, and I literally felt like I was like, this is like, a little celebrity, and I couldn't wait to see what you look like. - I just have to say that leading up to it, she was like, "Do you need to make me cry? "Do you need to do this?" And I don't want to do that, and like, "Do you want me to tell her "that we cannot talk about?" No, so I just said that it's fine, I'll be okay, and I'm like, "Okay, okay." (laughs) - Well, the thing is this, I am firmly in this, I'm going to attract and not chase, so I'm willing to put it out there, that like, whatever, but if it's meant to be, you're gonna contact me, I don't know, I don't know. But anyway, see, fucking fuck, oh my God, I don't know what I was gonna say, but what I will say is, some of those early episodes, I was also like, crying all the time, because I was just in the middle of hell, and so my voice would just be like, so hoarse and dry from like, I mean, sometimes it would be, because I was having so many fucking tech issues, dude, like, so many, where it was just unreal. Like, I just finally was like, this isn't a coincidence, like, I know I'm supposed to do this, so I'm gonna do it, but like, what the fuck am I supposed to be learning from all of this shit? Because if you don't give me a break, I am going to lose it. And then I was like, okay, fine, I understand now, you're teaching me that peace is not the absence of the bullshit, it is the steadfast knowledge that no matter what happens, that's just complete fucking bullshit. I am still beautiful, strong, I have a gift of speaking, I have a gift of writing, I have a gift of making change in the world, I have a gift of giving, I am kind, I am loving, I am compassionate, I am creating my own stage for myself, so none of that changes no matter what is happening around me, so that's what I have found to be love, like that is fucking love when you know no matter what, I'm gonna be okay because I'm creating my own reality and absolutely I'm willing to fucking accept that I'm delusional because it is a very happy existence, like I have created a space where I will not let shit in that doesn't belong in my life and I'm not going into spaces that my fucking energy doesn't belong, I'm no longer great, like I always say on the podcast I've been saying that my vibrations have raised the entire vibrations of this house, I see the change in the whole world around me because I am no longer viewing the world through my wounding, but I'm sure as hell not gonna take these vibrations in a space that I know it doesn't belong just to fucking raise that room, like you're gonna have to meet me where the fuck I go because I do believe the people who need me are being sent to me, I believe that the people that, like 'cause I need them too is the thing, like it is such a fucking energetic exchange and literally there's no other high like getting to sit and connect with somebody and also just have it confirmed over and over and over like damn dude, I don't know how we're not all like karmic ties because I feel like literally we're all related, we're all doing the exact same shit. Like I do say I'm psychic, so there's that too, but also it just isn't hard to be like oh, I know that one. Okay, yeah, I know that, okay, yeah, like it's just not. - Yeah, but that's exhausting sometimes though because I feel that way sometimes where I'm like, okay, well this person is just going through this and they need this and they need this and they need this and I feel that. So I know it's in my daughter saying it's not my job to provide those things, but oh, I understand that. I understand that, but at the same time, you struggle with your worth and you struggle with, well, what am I here for then if I'm not here to make this person's day better? - Well, that's me. - No, that's a fair question because what I hear you say, well, there's a few things, but I love, it's admirable to be a person who feels that their purpose is to provide love to others, right? That's not the thing we're saying not to do. Your north isn't servitude to your own demise because I can feel your voice in this world. You are making an impact, but that doesn't, that shouldn't come at your expense. Your uplifting and your power is where that's supposed to come from because you've given all of that to yourself first. Like all of those things you're doing for people is you begging them to love you in the way 100 fucking percent. And so if you give it to yourself, sister, like you are fucking worthy, take up all the goddamn space you need. - I've been telling her that for 30 years. - Well, but you, because now unfortunately, the pain that you're feeling as we're speaking about this is because you've had it confirmed to you that if you don't do those things, you literally have nobody, right? Because now you're pulling yourself a bitch and you're saying that you're standing in your-- - Grace is calling me a bitch. - I'm using it in the pejorative sense, not in the insult. - Yes, no, I know, I'm just saying like you've identified this power in yourself, but you're uncomfortable with it. And what you've learned is that when you exercise that power, you are not, you're not invited anymore. You're not accepted in that power and you're scared of it because you're just now learning how to use that part of your voice. - I do have to interject one thing that in the last, maybe not a year, six months. She has been working actively at establishing boundaries with certain members of her immediate circle. I'm trying really hard to keep it generic. She is doing amazing things, she really is because she is establishing those boundaries and when they are pushing back and doing the old tricks of trying to get her attention and trying to get her sympathy and trying to get her whatever, she's not falling for it. She has finally understanding that that transaction of your love and my allegiance does not exist. - Right, and that's what I'm saying, that's what hurts. That's when you receive that confirmation that you really did have to provide a service to this magnitude to receive any sort of love, acceptance or validation from quite frankly, the people who are supposed to offer that freely because they're your people. - Well, they have that. - Where do we go from there, right? Like what the fuck do I do now? Because I broke everyone. - And it's literally the epitome of, this is the one function in life that should give me grace and love regardless of what I do. She has finally learned that she should not be going out of her way to give service, to earn it. Because it should be freely given. And there are other aspects in her life. Her husband, her children, me. I mean, there's other people. I mean, I had to throw that in there. - Me. - But there are other people in her life that offer the one thing that she is not able to get from the one person that should be giving you freely. - Yeah, I'm not from one person that you want it from. So then you throw and you do all these things. But I will counter that when I'm moving. - Right, but she's finally moving into a space where she's understanding that she's not gonna get it. And she needs to just-- - Right, it still hurts though. - I mean, it hurts, but you're no longer letting it define that relationship. - Yeah. - You have taken control of that relationship. - Yes. - And you're not doing it. And it's not a sense of where you're like either, you're like, yeah, tell me everything I wanna know. And fuck you, shut up, I'm on break. Like it's not like that. Like you're not doing that. - I kind of think that unless like you're really, really dealing with it, like the emotional work and not just the boundaries, which boundaries are great, but it's a tool. And I, you know, I said I'm an energy person. Okay, so, so sorry Joanne, but you're, I love that you've set these boundaries. And I would not say not to do that. I'm proud of you for doing that. But what I feel off of you is that you haven't quite gotten to the place where that boundary is set from a love, like a place of love for yourself. - No, that's true. - And to be low, you're trying not to see, you know, that's to see your, there's the part of you that loves yourself is the part that said, okay, it's either this or die because I can't live a life that is only spent taking care of everyone else. So in essence, that is a form of self love. So you should like, you know, it's a seedling, hold it, hold it in your heart because that is love. And it can grow. But right now you're, well, you're in Aries and, you know, we're connected 'cause I'm an Aries rising, but you're a little bit fueled by spite. And so, you know, that's a nice way of putting that. - No, she has to come down on you. - No, like I know, I fucking, that's the only way I knew how to say it. Like I know what that feeling is, you know? So that's a stage and that's okay. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with any of the things that I just said, okay? But I'm all about there is a level of awareness needed and like if I can feel this shit in you, dude. So I know you're trying to transcend too. And to get there, you got to get that level of awareness. You just got to start doing the shadow work where you're like, why the fuck am I making this decision? And it's always going to be I am a frayed to lose. I am a frayed to be rejected. I am afraid to be abused. I am afraid to be abandoned. I am afraid to be neglected. I am afraid to be betrayed. - No, don't lie. - We are all doing this. - Well, if I were to say you are or it looks like Tracy pushing every mother fucking person in her life away, like we're all doing this. (laughing) - We're all fucking doing it, man. This is me loving you. I'm sorry. I'm loving you. - I know. I was just about to apologize. - I was just about to say if I were to 'cause I've been in counseling a few times, more than a few times. That if I were to actually go into counseling again, you would be the person that I would need because I have had several counselors and I've only had one where I didn't go, yeah, this isn't going to fucking work out. - Yeah. - Because that was the one person that he was like, all right. So at what point do you get in a situation? You're just like, fuck it. And you just let go. And I'm like, okay, I can do this. But that's the energy we need. And that's honestly, that's the energy that you need. And that's more of like, I can only provide so much. I'm obviously not trained in the ways of dealing with people. (laughing) - I have a communication question, but I'm not if they call me. - I can't shit that it is anything else. Like I'm like, well, blah, blah, blah, I'm like, I can't, I can teach people to this certain point. But like, I think some of it's me, bro. I don't know, like I'm perfectly honest. Like there's a lot of times where she will relay a situation or a conversation. And I'm like, and I have to stop myself because in my older age, I have learned some decorum where I'm like, okay, well, this is how I would handle it. But I also try to keep in mind her core values because the core values are what they are. They're not necessarily good or bad or indifferent. They're just, that is what they are. And she doesn't want to actively hurt people regardless of what those people have done to her. - I feel that, I feel that. - Yeah. And I'm the person that like I said before, I was raised. - That's on them, they can feel that. - I was raised by my dad. That's a you problem. That is not my problem. - Exactly. I can't make you feel anything. - Right. If you don't like it, fuck you. I can't make you like it and I don't give a shit. - That's your problem because you're the only one in control of your feelings. - Pretty much. Like, and there is a certain point where I'm like, well, maybe, but people only get so many chances with me. And again, that is so-- - So do I know all about that. - Right. In my family, we call it the Baldwin trait because my mom does not have that trait and is on my dad's side. You get certain-- - Where you just let me switch and that's it. - Pretty much like, all right, we're done. 'Cause my dad had a rule growing up that if you did not call me and you did not come over, I was not coming over calling you. I would say, hey dad, why haven't we visited so-and-so? And he's like, well, they haven't come here, so fuck 'em. - So that is-- - That is your dad. - Right, so that is the value that I have. I have internalized over the years, but you don't have that value because you are even in this-- - It's earning love and validation and acceptance and approval. - Oh, so I'm the middle child. So my sister was acting out, my brother was acting out-- - Typical, little girl. - And the middle child. - Me too. - It was my responsibility to-- - You wanted to be one good kid to show them, you know, show her that it was, you know, worth what they were doing. - Well, I wanted to make her feel better because I felt at eight years old, I felt like it was my responsibility to make her happy because no one else was making her happy. - And I didn't look at it that way. - No, I didn't, either. What we looked at it the way we were taught, which is you're not appreciating everything I do for you. You don't listen to what I tell you to do. You, this, you, this, and if y'all would just blah, blah, blah, I would blah, blah, blah. So what do we do? - Exactly. - We don't internalize that shame and we go, okay, okay, I got it. All we have to do is be perfect. That's it. - Yeah, pretty much. - And run around and fucking anticipate needs all day, every day. - Yes, there's a page that needs to don't ask the question. - That's what every fucking facial expression meant. - So this is what I've learned and I really honestly think that my husband, so I've been married for 26 years. - Excuse me, I have the hiccups. - And I really think that he's learning a lot and he's being really patient with me because I feel like I am a lot, okay? - Yeah, there's not a lot. - I know, but I feel like I am a lot. - I know, but that's our core and belief is that we're too much and we're not gonna fall at the same time. - So basically, like the other day, we are growing and I think he's totally 100% different than I am, totally. And so it's hard for him to understand a lot of what I go through. It's hard for him to understand a lot of how I feel and he thinks that you should just let a lot of things go. - Is he inappropriate? - So, no, he's an Aries. - Oh, interesting, okay. - Yeah, her husband and I are a lot alike. So when we get along, we either would get along amazingly or we don't get along at all. - Yeah, but I wanted to tell you about this interaction that we had before it was recently and he was really upset about something and I wasn't sure what he was upset about, but my entire life, if someone is upset that's around me, that's close to me, I feel like it's my fault that they're upset and I need to fix it if someone's not getting along with someone else, even though I'm not involved. It's my responsibility to fix it. And he got upset with me because I was like, what's wrong, what's wrong, what can I do? What can I do? Because you really feel that fear like I did this and I have to fix this. And he got really upset with me and he yelled and I was like, you can't do that. I was like, I'm just trying to fix what's wrong. And he came over and he was like, I'm really sorry that I got upset, but you kept trying to fix this. And there's nothing that you can do, there's nothing that you did wrong. And I did say, I understand that and I know that that is a problem that I have and I know that every time Europe said, I feel like it's my responsibility to fix it and I know that it's not. And I'm trying to work through that. And he said, I know. And he put his hand on my shoulder and he's like, I know you do and it's okay. And I thought that was a big thing. - That's huge. - That is a huge thing. - Yeah. - That's huge for your ass. - Yeah, it makes my heart so fucking, listen, dude, I know exactly what you mean. Like when you start to discover these parts of yourself and then they're seeing you because you're becoming the most authentic self and you can be seen. You're not as scared to make mistakes. It is like the most beautiful feeling ever when you're just like, thank you for giving me a fucking inch of slack 'cause I'm not telling myself any, you know, like-- - It was really amazing, especially coming from him. - Yeah. I totally know because Brian was such a fucking stoic, like just so like, but I mean, I was awful to him. But like, I didn't know that I was, yeah, I kind of knew I was being a cunt, but like I didn't know why, you know, like what? But it was the podcast, dude, like me just being so open and like learning and him hearing me talk, not at him and from a very unemotional place, he just was like seeing me for the first time ever and felt so like empathetic towards me in a way that he's never felt because he didn't, he hadn't heard a lot of the stuff I've said because I'm discovering this in real time, you know? So like, I'm just like, oh, whatever. And then maybe a story pops up and he, I don't know if you've heard the episode that I cried because I was telling a story of one of the abuses that happened, but I don't do that very often. But on that one, God knows why I chose to. I don't even remember, but it was heavy. It was really heavy. And I didn't like to tell him or a lot of people's stories where I'm really put in this like, if I'm looking at my inner child who experienced this horrific abuse, like I did detach the fuck out of that situation. Like I didn't look at my inner child when I was telling that story before. And that's actually one of the reasons I came to understand that I was emotionally unavailable is because my friends like, "Bro, the way you retailed trauma though, it's not really that normal." And I'm like, "Medians do it." Like, I literally didn't know. And I was like, "Comedians, is that not what?" Like, I'm hilarious, you know? And then now though, when I'm telling you the stories, I do feel so sad for her. I'm not, I'm not afraid to because at the time I had to be really tough. I had to be, I was fucking eight years old, literally defending my own physical safety. Like I had to be fucking tough. I had to be tough to live through the shit I lived through. So it didn't ever stop. I kept having to be tough. And here I am, I can't even like be vulnerable with the people I'm the very fucking, I'm gonna use an air quotes closest to the people I desire the closeness with the most and push them away and then think they just don't love me. But I was doing all of those things to him and I wouldn't tell him things that I knew would make him see me as like, somebody who needed protecting because that's what I was. I did, I did need protecting too. But I didn't wanna be seen that way because time he didn't need protecting, right? And I'm not getting that masculinity in me. I liked it and I was like fucking accepted an all bitch, you know? - I mean, you know, but it's just crazy because this, the version you are a meaning of me right now would have been different two weeks ago, would have been different a month ago, like the first interactions on the email. I'm not even that same person anymore. Like because now I fucking feel the compassion for spiders. Like what, you know? Like in the middle of the-- - I'm not there yet. - But what if, what if, oh my God. That was short. Like I'm being serious, I didn't speak a bit. Like, I'm looking at being vulnerable. I'm okay being vulnerable because damn it, dude, it's not scary. What was scary was all the like, what if? What if I lose? What if I love? Now I'm like, what's fucking meant for me is gonna be. So it's either gonna help me grow or, well, no matter what, no matter who I have to let go of and what I have to let go of, it's all fucking for me. This is my existence. I'm creating this reality as we speak. So come or go, whatever, I know, like I said, who I am right here in the center of all this shit. If I change, it's just 'cause I'm moving towards more of the self I'm supposed to be. But none of this shit around me is what's gonna be doing it to me. I'm doing this for me. And I'm not gonna let all of that shit live. - Let me ask you a question because as you're talking, I'm thinking that's the stuff that I would like to do too. But at the same time, I have a really strong pool that if I do those things and I want to do things for me, I'm being selfish and I still have to think about the people around me. - Right. - Well, like how do you balance that? - Obviously I went through that because I impacted my family's income. So that's just one way, right? But I impacted my family's income to make this decision. But also I was literally gonna kill myself. So like pick your poison, I guess family, I don't know. But like in terms of choosing yourself first, you just have to get to this understanding. This is why we did the Finding Piece workbook, please buy Finding Piece by Troy Lef. The Shadows of Shame. The Shadows of Shame are these different archetypes that were raised with all of us, the same exact ones, were raised with these narratives from our parents and society at large because we have that negativity bias. So once the narrative is created and it's imprinted, then our brain starts to look for ways to confirm that. So our behavior is all steered from these narratives created in our very early childhood development. So what I'm saying is, and yes, let's link that, but what I'm saying is that's your shame that says, like that archetype is usually like your politician that's like, hey, as long as nobody knows, you know, like we gotta keep up the parents, you can't, nobody can know that we failed, nobody can know we're human. You know that one really funny sketch video where he's like, nobody can know we sit, just burn the couch, burn the couch. That's what I like picture my politician as because it was, I wouldn't even let part of my, don't come to my house and announce shit was my house has to be showroom ready for anybody to be in it. Now, if I were to pan my camera, you'd be like, is it ever? And I'd be like, no, no, it's not the problem. That's the problem. And it's, your politician's telling you, you gotta do more, you gotta do this little bit. And then that's how you get your love and validation, acceptance, approval. It's just subconscious shame is what I'm saying. And it doesn't take very long to work through it once you're aware of it. The great thing is what I can tell about you is you've done some self-help shit, right? So what you've learned is now how to intellectualize some shit, we just gotta work on that next switch. A feeling, learning how to actually experience feelings instead of just I'm sad or I'm mad, right? That's all here. - That's all here. - Yeah, we just gotta (indistinct) feeling suck and my main feeling is I don't want my daughter to have to feel like she has to be there for me and not and neglect herself. - Well, I'm very witness here and I'm just gonna say that Alexis is not the person that is gonna be there for you out of obligation. - I understand that I know she loves me but I feel sometimes like, - And that's something that you have more true. - I mean, the truth is you probably are repeating some patterns there. She's a Pisces, like they're, it's there but you know, we're gonna fuck our kids up a little bit and that's that but. - I don't wanna fuck her off. - I mean, no, Linda, I'm being serious. Look, we've all got our shit but here's the deal. Kids aren't gonna listen to us. They're gonna watch us. And like, I don't know if you've, I don't know if you watch any of my social media but this is what I posted today was a client telling me and I had forgotten I told her this but I was like, "Oh yeah, I did and I believe that." This is what I tell everyone. When you start to change, your whole fucking world around you starts to change. So if you want your daughter to be that person you wanna be, go fucking be her and show her how to be that badass bitch because that's what it takes. - We already got badass bitch. - She showed me how to be that badass bitch. This is a synergetic relationship. Like, you can learn from your kid just as much as she can learn from you. - No, she is fucking amazing. And she is who I would always love to be. She doesn't give a shit about anybody other than people that love her. - No, she does. - She doesn't give a shit about the people that she does not perceive as giving a shit about her. - That's what's great about Pisces is that they're not gonna, like, people please two people outside of the circle the way we would, like, we're gonna be like, she doesn't even take her please to me. - And I'm in the fucking circle. - Listen, she is the, I'm gonna fucking cry again. - Oh my God, she's the most fucking caring person I've ever met other than my mother-in-law because she will come over. That's where she gets it from. She will come over and if I don't feel good, she will come over and she'll make me soup and she'll do all these things for me. - Yeah, but you know, she has a sweet mom. - That's exactly it. That's exactly it. - She has a very kind and loving and caring mom. You are her. What are you talking about? - Right, Joanne has always been a nurturer, always. I always wanted to be a mom and I always-- - You really give, like, so much loving energy, dude. Like, you are her. What do you mean? - Love yourself, dude. - I know I need to. I know I need to. - Baby, come on. Like, it's there. That's the thing, oh, it's gonna be so funny. I'm so glad this is recorded because when you get there, you're gonna be like, oh shit, I am exactly because the thing is is that you already are all the things you wanna be. You're just still allowing your shame to tell you that some of the things that you are don't fit into that archeotype. The women like Alexis don't do this. They don't, yeah, that's 'cause you're not the same fucking people and you wouldn't want the same exact gifts, right? But you already are, like, all of this shit that you, 'cause I mean, I feel the best shit coming off of you, dude. Like, you're right there. Like, you're gonna step into this. You just haven't, like, you're scared of your power right now. - Yeah, I don't wanna be mean to anyone and I feel like-- - You don't have to be mean. - Listen, and you were right about, like, the spite part because I think I'm in that phase right now because I'm like, this person did not ever do anything for anyone but themselves and why should I do anything for them? And that's where I'm at right now and I feel mean feeling that way. - Well, because you only thought that that's mean. You've been taught that you have to put everybody else above you. So yeah, it's gonna feel mean. It is, but you just wanna keep getting curious about why that's mean. Why do I feel responsible? - Why am I-- - But see, my thing was this, it sounds like we were raised by the same person. So my thing was actually, I was accused of being mean my whole life because I was always overly, like, reactive to people. I was very easily triggered even in childhood. So I've always had a bark. Like, it's always, when I'm triggered, I don't control that. And I was really mean during those reactions. I developed an identity that I'm an angry person. I have issues with anger. No, I've never been a fucking angry person. What I've been was a very wounded person who was very easily triggered and I lived inside that trigger. But my grandma went ahead on took it steps further when I became the black sheep and no longer the golden child. And actually she would say things like this at any hint of success in my life, even as a teenager, don't be too good for your, you know, you're not too big for your britches. Remember where you came from? Well, she'd go ahead and hit me even harder with, you know, your brother has a better heart than you do. I mean, like, that can't tear down somebody's character more than to tell me I don't have a good heart. Now, mind you, I'm doing the same shit you are. I'm the middle child, I'm doing my fucking best to give you everything you've said you've ever fucking wanted in all eight of the children that you have raised, okay? It's me, it's fucking me bitch. But weird, I'm not running away from home, getting pregnant by 14, doing drugs, smoking, none of that shit. And here I am being told my heart is not as good as the person who does nothing to win your affection, nothing. And I had that like oldest daughter thing where I would come and clean the house in between fucking high school and work. And then by the time I got back from work and grandma got home from work, Josh had done fucked up the house. She'd tell the day she died would not acknowledge that I cleaned that house, including dusting her fucking furniture and the nasty knickknacks that they just had to hack all over those fucking bookshelves. I didn't-- - What the fuck is who the fuck is this? - Every mother fucking day, bitch. And then this mother fucker was spit, Lougy's in the bathroom sink. That is so triggering to me still because I had to clean his spit out of that sink every day. Never a word of encouragement or anything. And I'm like, "Damn." So that's what we're used to. That's how we're programmed. That's how we get loved. That's how we get validation. And so yeah, when you reach that wall where you go, oh fuck, it really didn't matter. There was never gonna be a place where we hit the max capacity for what I owe you for being born, huh, okay. - Oh listen, I didn't get any praise until my baby brother died. And then once he passed away, then I was told, "Well, you know." I'm gone. I don't even wanna pay too easy and listen. She's like, "Well, you know, "you've always been my favorite." And I'm like, "Don't fucking tell me that." Don't fucking tell me that, yes. - Because now she only has two left. So she's gotta try to get whoever's gonna keep her alive the longest. - But I-- - And you know what? - What mean-ass parents have to realize is this. The ones they treat like shit are usually the ones at the bedside. This is what I'd always say in hospice, you know? But if they were like, "Oh, absolutely." Like being nice to their kids, like, "Dude, they were straight abandoned on their deathbeds." I'd be like, "Damn, what?" First I was like, "How mean were you?" And then I realized, "Oh, goddamn, "the real crazy ones have everyone at their bedside "because they're scared to disappoint you." (both laughing) I even made a Facebook post that every now and then I'll post the memory of like, "Hey, if you cripple your children in childhood, "they ain't gonna take care of you. "I'm just letting you know." - Right, right? Well, and then she reminded me that day, that she said that to me that, you know, you were always there for me when I was going through- - Uh-huh, yeah. - When I was going through my divorce, I was eight, by the way. - Uh-huh, hardening to you, uh-huh. - Yeah, and she's like, she's like- - You were helping me, yup, yup. - Yeah, and I was the one that convinced her to divorce my dad. I was the one that- - He had to, yeah. - Yeah, she couldn't have her an ass. Yeah, yeah. - And I'm like, why was I your counselor at eight years old? - Thank you. - I don't understand that. - Bro, my family- - I met in conflicts with every one of her fucking kids and I was the sounding board. Like just always with the, yeah, and then Pat, you know, she thinks she's so blah, blah, blah, and then she walked right past me and didn't even look at me. And then yeah, we haven't spoken for two years. - What bitch, I can't fucking imagine going two years without speaking to my baby. Like what? There's not a goddamn thing on this earth, nothing. I can't even give the silent treatment to my kids when I'm mad and that's like my thing, not anymore, that's what I'm saying. I can't even do it because I know what that fucking feels like. I was given the silent treatment like a fucking frick wall and I'm like, that's how I would always know. I sometimes, my spidey sense would tingle and be like a shim, shim, man. And I'd be like, I love you. (laughing) - Oh yeah, I don't know if she was mad as if she was mad. She'd be like, yeah, my mother would do the exact same fucking thing, the exact same fucking thing. - My mother never gave me the silent treatment. - Oh my God, she gave me the exact opposite. - Oh baby, we got that too. We got that too. Don't, that could be our lecture too, you know. And you had to learn to make sure that your face looked exactly the way it was supposed to to indicate that you are in fact taking in all of the guilt and remorse that you're supposed to feel for being a human. Well, you know. - Oh my face never did that. - Oh my God, my father did that. - It usually is. - Put your impact on your parents. - Yeah, and my parents, in contrast, were actually in spite of what they learned and knew and were trying to change. They were very good parents, but I did not have the face for the two hour lecture. - Right, see, what I'm doing is that your parents, like they were doing their very, very best. And where, you know, like everybody else, me included, they just didn't know how to be like walking you through important emotional developmental stages. - Oh, absolutely. - And my parents both were like, this bitch is not gonna fucking listen. So you'd be like, you need to fix your face or go to your fucking room. - You know what I think about you and your parents? I think that you were actually like the child to them that Jake is to me, the one that like forces you to understand either I have two very, very distinct, mutually exclusive choices. And one is to chill the fuck out and just accept this child for who the fuck they are and just roll with the punches. Or I spend the whole rest of my life trying to control every ounce of this shit and killing every one of these motherfuckers in this house. - Pretty much, yeah. - Leaving mediumship. - Oh, yeah, absolutely. - Okay, so I'm not, this is something I'm still working out so I'm not gonna say that this is what it is or whatever, okay? Like, I'm not gonna accept that I have to say that I think it is, but I think you gave your dad, like the piece that like Jake has given me because like when you are forced to surrender that amount of control, like you gain a lot and you gain the ability to watch things unfold. - Absolutely. - And you gave him like a growth that like it was a transcendence for him. You know what I mean? Like he behind that's what you gave him was this ability to meet his soul's purpose. - Oh, absolutely. Because I think it came to a point when I was probably like 11 or 12 that he was either gonna continue to try to control the situation or he was gonna kill me trying. To speak to my older siblings, the one older sibling that I was close to my brother, he passed away in 2018 and he was 21 when I was born. So they were all pretty much adults when I was born. - Right. - You're talking like basically two different generations my father had raised. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And when I listen to the stories that my siblings, my older siblings tell about my dad, it's very, very, very different to what I experienced. - Yeah. - You know, I did get the spanking and I did get the like standing in the corner and stuff like that. But after a certain point. - He knew so much more by then, man. - Well, and he knew that none of that was going to change anything. - Exactly. - He knew that I didn't give a fuck. - You know what, two years before you, it wouldn't have mattered 'cause his ego was too big. So he would have been like, "Oh, we're going to fucking fight to the death if that's what it is." Hey, that's what, well, you and I-- - Well, you and I-- - When you joined in, the reason I was like, "Oh, when you said you were a Scorpio moon," is 'cause I was like, "Oh, my God, Scorpio means, which my daughter has, and they have crazy mothers." - Oh, yeah, I do. - Oh, I was like, "Oh, my God, that's so much." - Listen, that is an understatement. - Listen, you know the ferocity in which I speak when I'm passionate. I want you to imagine that level times 10 when I'm really fucking triggered, okay? Like, I bet you I really understand what your mom is like. I didn't do half of the bullshit because I'm me, but like being emotionally unavailable made me just, I mean, I was kind of, with the boys, I really wasn't like a rub some dirt on it, walk it off kind of mom, but with Charlie, I really have been because I've been, it doesn't coincide with her birth, my level of misery, but I switched careers not long after she was born with some untreated postpartum depression, whatever. She's never gotten a good version of me until now, but it was more just like, the fear was that I wasn't enough. And there was so much shame that I wasn't meeting her needs as a mom, it made me turn off to her even more because I cannot handle when that is reflected back at me and I have to sit in their pain with that. So I just shut this like switch and it wasn't all the way, I definitely felt her and I felt bonded with her, but the more love I felt, the more shame I felt and it was like, this never ending cycle because like as much as I love you baby, I'm fucking miserable and I don't even like myself. So like, I don't know what to do here, but she didn't hear and she was so fucking obsessed with me and just loves me so much and needs me in a way that the boys have never needed me. And like your daughter, it does propel you to wanna get your shit together because you wanna be worthy and deserving of this baby who's so obsessed with you no matter what you fucking do wrong, you know, like it doesn't even matter because here we are, like I could be bad and you're still just gonna love this shit out of me. I wanna be the person that she sees as, you know what I mean? Because they deserve that, they all deserve that. But anyway, I was just saying that I do have an understanding because I was raised by a narcissist who I can now have compassion for, but that just happened in the last few weeks. Like the hatred that I was unable to let go of for a long time, it served me. I mean, it got me to the place where I was ready to work through the feelings, but I couldn't have compassion for her until I was willing to look at every single thing I've done to fuck up because of my shit. But I now understand I can hold space for the fact that she had her shit too. And I'm balancing that dark and light where I can say if in this breath, I need to hold a lot of that pain and be mad at her for the things that she took without my consent and the things that she embedded in me to make me fucking hate myself. If I need to hold that, then I do. But if I'm in the moment where I'm like, hey, this woman was so fucking afraid of losing and being rejected and hated herself far more than anybody else could ever hate her. If that's the space I'm in and I wanna offer love and compassion to that space, then I do. My parents have been dead forever and she died in 2015. So all of the stuff never got worked through because anytime I tried to bring up shit, she'd be like, well, I'm sure I did some mean shit to your aunts, but they sure the hell would never say something like that to me. And I'd be like, that you hurt my feelings. That's what we're mad about, that I said to her. And that's why I was too much and not enough because I was too sensitive my whole life. You're too sensitive. No, am I too sensitive or are you just being a cut because I don't think that I'm sensitive to for you to level and insult at me. You knew was going to hit a certain space and you are very good at it. So it got the target right on the bullseye and now I'm reacting the way any normal fucking human being would react when you're a bitch. See, she does that. My mom does that shit to my sister. Like she's a totally different person to my sister than she is to me. My sister's older, she tries to manipulate my sister and hurts her feelings. And that makes me have animosity towards my mother. Yeah. With me, she just tries to make me feel bad for her but I'm at the point in my life where I see straight through that. And I have gone through that sympathy stage where I felt bad for her and like I would hear her talk and I'd be like, oh, she's so cute. And she went through a lot of trauma so I don't blame her and then she says certain things and I'm like, you're a selfish person and I can't believe that you think the way that you think. I wish my kids would tell me that if I did something, I wish they would tell me because I know I wasn't perfect and I know that I probably did damage and that was never my intention ever. And I wish-- Well, and that's why they're not saying shit 'cause they know what your intentions are and they know that I have a feeling that like I said, when you do this thing and you transcend and everybody else around you transcends, then people will start to be able to see like, so yeah, I mean like you-- They give grace because they know and told that, hey, I fucked up. That's me now where I'm like, like even just yesterday, I didn't realize that I was such like a disassociator. So if a lot of times the reason I had problems with communication is because when someone was telling me a story, I'm now drifting off thinking of their story and visualizing and whatever. I have to stay really present to not do that. So if I start traveling off into Melissa World in your story and then you now actually want my attention, I'm pissed at you and hurry and finish the story. Goddamn, I wanna go back to this world that I was existing in. But you just-- I just got away. I grew up in higher life. I do that a lot. So then yesterday, Jake walked in and he just has this fucking tendency to always be there at the exact wrong time. And I was blah, blah, blah, and Brian had said something and I kind of started to, Melissa about it. And then Jake was like, mom and my initial instinct was to be like, what? But you know, I found Jesus. So I was like-- [LAUGHTER] I was like, yes. Like all instant signal and then it was awkward. And he's 17, not stupid. So he's like, well, actually, he's not stupid, but he is on the spectrum. So he's staring at me because oftentimes my children are like, are you being sarcastic? There's times that they're like, I'll be like, oh, that's awesome. And they're like, wait, are you mad? Are you being sarcastic? I'm like, no, I fucking meant to God. But anyway, he was staring at me like, I'm going to try to observe this situation. Are you mad? And I was like, what? And then I was a little bit nervous because he had a handful of laundry. And I was like, OK, well, you'll probably want to move the loads because I'm getting better about this because that's what used to cause the stress. Because I'm now like, I can't possibly put my children out and make them move things over in the dud-dud-dud. Even though they just walked in with a fucking pile of laundry. So I was like, processing all of that. And I was like, OK, you'll probably just want to move-- you know, the loads over. And he was like, why don't I really want to do that? And I was like, he's like, I'm just going to throw him in your floor. The laundry room's in my bedroom. And I was like, that's done. Well, I'm not going to watch before you, though. And he was like, no, no, it's fine. I was like, oh, OK, are you just cleaning up your room? And you just got one of the clothes out? And he's like, yeah. And I was like, OK, I thought you were like, I want to go out tomorrow morning. So I need this possible question. I wasn't really going to do that. But yeah, you can go throw it, that's fine. But see, three months ago, I would have never even given him that I wouldn't have asked. I wouldn't have whatever. I would have immediately been stressed because I wouldn't want to ask him to move the laundry over and do it himself. And it was too much. It was like every shadow of shame I had would pop up and fight with each other. And I'd be sitting there in chaos and wide-eyed looking at the person who's now triggered this. And I'm like, and to get all this to silence, I would just start fucking screaming, like-- - Every single week. - Every single week. - I'm not just trying to fucking sit here and eat my fucking popcorn, and then it's just their damn laundry washed. - Yeah. - And remember my-- - My boyfriend's son is 18. And he moved-- my boyfriend moved in full-time in May. And every single week in his children were here. And every single week in his son would be like, can I do laundry? And up until the last two weeks, it would be like, well, yeah. But I can't do it right now. You're just going to have to wait. But don't wait until the last second. And then he would wait until like Sunday night at 10 p.m. And I'm like, you were literally leaving in five hours. I'm not doing your laundry right now. And it was never a case of, well, you do my laundry. It was, can I wash my clothes? But my brain is, I have to do it. I have to take it down there. I have to wash it, then I have to dry it, then I have to fold it, then I have to bring it back up to you. And I do all of that along with the other 35 things that you were already doing before this task brought before you. Yes. Oh, I totally get that. Such a mind fuck. It really fucks with you. That's why like learning the shame stuff has helped me the most because it stops all of that. Like any of that is happening to me now where it's just popping up and controlling me. And I'm able to be like, who do I want to be in this moment? And I just like rolling with it. And sometimes I'm still a little pissed off whenever, you know, I'm starting it. But then I'm like, okay, you know, let's be our collective self, not our personal self. The collective self wants to be a good mother. The personal self wants to beat your ass and that's okay. (laughing) Yep. Well, girls, I'm going to go, you know, eat more tortillas. Oh, it's 10. Yeah. Well, we'll do it. What we'll do is next Friday, well, if you're not busy or whenever you're not busy, we'll have you on our show. Okay. So just let me know and then we'll do it for our show. Okay, sounds good. It was amazing talking to you. You guys too. Hit me up. I was being serious, Joanne. Okay, I will. I'll be bringing your email. Okay, thank you. All right, bye. Bye, Alexis. (laughing) (upbeat music) ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ ♪ Hey, hey, hey, what do you say ♪ Listen. First and foremost, please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five-star rating on whichever platform that you are listening. If you want to support the show, please rate, like, and share. Also like, comment, and share on any social media posts that you see from me on Instagram or Facebook or TikTok. Please follow the podcast Facebook. Emotionally unavailable podcast. You can shop my foot online, store, or schedule a one-on-one with me. Emotionally unavailablepodcast.org. I'm offering what I'm calling non-traditional counseling, astrology readings, and tarot readings. And thank you so much for listening to the emotionally unavailable podcast. (upbeat music) ♪ Emotionally unavailable ♪ - I hope that you love that. Like I said, I had a really good time with these two. I can't wait for future collaborations. And hope you guys enjoy everything we'll be in the show notes. And until next time, let's all just keep swimming. - I-N-D-E-P-E and cook. - For more collaboration.