The Season of Self Love
Healing Beyond Betrayal: Decoding Clarity & Empowered Decisions with Mike Fink
Welcome back to The Season of Self-Love podcast! In today’s episode, host Nyomi Banks continues the Healing Beyond Betrayal series with special guest Mike Fick, renowned author and personal development coach. Together, they dive deep into the process of reclaiming your power and making clear, empowered decisions after betrayal. Whether you're navigating the complexities of divorce or trying to overcome indecision in your life, Mike’s innovative approach to clarity and decision-making is packed with valuable insights.With two decades of experience, Mike shares his journey from personal struggles with betrayal in a business relationship to creating his powerful Decoding Grid—a framework that has helped countless women move from indecision to certainty. Nyomi and Mike explore the psychological and emotional blocks that keep us stuck, and how gaining clarity can unlock the path to healing and a brighter future.Key Topics:
- Overcoming indecision after betrayal
- Understanding the brain’s role in keeping us stuck in the status quo
- How to rank your values to make clear decisions
- Real-life stories of healing and moving forward with certainty
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-season-of-self-love--6003379/support.
- Broadcast on:
- 25 Sep 2024
- Audio Format:
- other
After investing billions to light up our network, T-Mobile is America's largest 5G network. Plus, right now, you can switch, keep your phone, and we'll pay it off up to $800. See how you can save on every plan versus Verizon and AT&T at tmobile.com/keepandswitch. Up to four lines via virtual prepaid card, a left 15 days qualifying unlocked device credit service poured in 90-plus days with device and eligible carrier and timely redemption required. There's access and expires in six months. What's next? At Moss Adams, that question inspires us to help people and their businesses strategically define and claim their future. As one of America's leading accounting, consulting, and wealth management firms, our collaborative approach creates solutions for your unique business needs. We leverage industry-focused insights with the collective technical resources of our firm to elevate your performance. Can cover opportunity and move upward at MossAtoms.com. Welcome to the Season of Self-Love Podcast. I am your host, Naomi Banks, and I am thrilled to have you join me on this transformative journey. You see, every day we dive into a powerful conversation about self-discovery, healing, and empowerment. This podcast is brought to you by Axe Naomi, an Elevate Me self-discovery, where we believe that loving yourself is the first step to living, a fulfilling life. You can expect insightful discussions, practical tips, and inspiring stories, plus we occasionally welcome special guests who will share their unique perspectives on self-love and personal. So get comfy, grab your favorite beverage, and less embark on this journey together. Because it's time to embrace the beautiful person that you love. So let's elevate our lives one episode of time. Now let's get started. Well, I love my beautiful souls, and welcome back to the Season of Self-Love Podcast. I am your host, Naomi Banks, and today we are diving in deeper into our series of healing beyond the betrayal. We're exploring how to reclaim your power and making power decisions after betrayal. So joining us today is the brilliant Mike Fick. He is a renowned author and coach who will share his innovative approach to decision-making, especially when it comes to navigating the complexities of divorce. But before we bring Mike up to, let's take a quick break, all right? It's your girl, and he got his Naomi Banks here on the Season of Self-Love Podcast, and we'll be right back. Hey my beautiful souls, this is your girl, the goddess, Naomi Banks, and I am excited to share something special with you. Introducing my latest able world book, Healing Beyond the betrayal, a journey of growth, empowerment, and renewal. In these 55 pages, I offer you insight, heartfelt stories, and practical worksheets designed to guide you on your humanity. So if you experience betrayal, or you are seeking personal glory, this resource is made just for you. You see, it's time to reclaim your power and embrace renewal. So you can get your copy by visiting the Season of Self-Love Podcast.com. And as a thank you for being part of our community, use the code HEALEDZERONA, and check out to enjoy a 15% discount. So listen, bark on this journey together, because you deserve to heal, grow, and thrive. Are you ready to transform your pain into power? Join us this September, for the 30-day Healing Beyond Betrayal Challenge, from Hurt to Hope. Starting September 1, Embark on a journey of healing and self-discovery, each day, you'll receive empowering lessons, practical exercises, and supportive community connections, designed to help you overcome the hurt of betrayal and reclaim your joy. Don't let betrayal define your story, it's time to rise, heal, and rebuild a brighter future. Sign up today at the Season of Self-Love Podcast.com. All right, well, welcome back to the Season of Self-Love Podcast. I am your host Naomi Banks, and today we're going deeper into our series topic this month is about healing beyond betrayal. Today, we are talking to Michael Fit about the coding, clarity, and empowered decisions after betrayal. Mr. Fink, Mike, how are you? Hey, Naomi, I'm delighted to be here. Thanks for having me. Thank you. Thank you. I'm excited. What stood out to me most of all is that your dedication to women understanding, or your understanding of women more, to help us more, coming from a man point of view. So I love that aspect of it, and I think it'd be quite fitting for our series this month. But before we get really into it, what I want to do is I want to just start off with a nice, grounded meditation before we start our life. So my list is if you all can get comfortable at this moment and at this time, and please close your eyes. Find a comfortable position, either sitting or lying down, and gently close your eyes. Now I want you to take a deep breath in through your nose. Filling your lungs completely, and I want you to hold you for a moment. Now exhale slowly through your mouth, letting go of any kitchen of stress. Now I want you to imagine a warm and soothing life surrounding you, with this light. This light represents love, acceptance, and strength. Allow this light to develop you, fill you, your heart with peace and resilience. And with each inhale, draw in positivity, and with each exhale, released out. I want you to hold on to this feeling of empowerment as we explore today's topic and when you are ready, gently open your eyes and we turn to the present moment. All right my beautiful people, thank you for joining me in that moment for reflection. And if you're new here to the season of cephaloparchas, it's something that we do every day, Monday through Friday, is that we do a nice kind of meditation just to get us into, get us prepared for the topic in hand. And I am so excited for this. So Mike, your journey has taken you across the continents, more continents than we can even imagine. So shaping a very unique perspective, a personal development. So could you share with us what was the pivotal experiences that led you to create the decoding grid? That's a great question. So I've been in the field of personal development for two and a half decades. I have a master's in psychology from Yale, all good and nice. But really, it's only when you live through your own experiences that your wounds can become your gift, right? So in the first part of my career, I was helping people achieve goals, to programs that I created, and then at some point, I got into a business relationship that was a 50/50 business relationship. And the first five years were great, but the following five years were absolutely hell. Because all of a sudden, we started seeing things differently. The business had to change, we had to reinvent ourselves, and it became very, very clear that we had different values that were going to different directions, that what we thought was best in terms of our vision for the future and our clients was completely different. And this is where the struggle began. We were arguing more and more often screaming at each other. And that's when I realized that I had become trapped in a situation that was not so much that I was unhappy in my relationship, but that the problem that I was facing most was the indecision about what to do with my relationship with even there was a business relationship. Is it my fault? Is it his fault? Am I right? Is he wrong? Is he right? Am I wrong? What if I decide to leave the relationship and then I have to start from scratch? You know, I would have to buy him out. They were all these unknowns, and I was so afraid. I was so anxious, I was stuck. I didn't know what to do, and I couldn't sleep. I burned out, my quality of life was horrible. And what I discovered and through my own experiences that in decision is actually incredibly debilitating. And I wouldn't have not understood it if I had an experience it. It can affect your mental focus, your sleep, your energy levels, your mental health, your emotions, your eating habits, your exercising habits, even your relationship, your social interactions, or if you have kids, even your relationship with your kids because you are not able to be fully present and engage with them, because in the back of your mind, there's always those wheels turning, it's like, should I stay, should I go? Am I doing the right thing? And our brain craves closure and when it cannot have it, it gets an overdrive and I almost burned out. So that was kind of the beginning of the pain. But then it became so bad. And it happened also at the same time when I hit my 50th birthday, when I did a life review. And that's when I looked at the decisions that I had made in my life previously. And thankfully, I had developed a process that helped me make good decisions. But for some reason, I did not apply that process to deciding really fully whether I should get into that 50/50 relationship. It was almost a marriage, not a relationship, couples marriage, but it was a business marriage. And when I decided to finally apply my own medicine, I went from being anxious, confused, burned out to, now I know. I had my head aligned with my heart, aligned with my gut. It became so clear that in terms of what I had to do, and suddenly I could face all the challenges, all the difficulties of the separation, of buying him out, of having to start from scratch, of having to sell an asset and of being financially depleted. But I just knew it was the right thing. At that point, I thought, hmm, you know, this is interesting. I went from five years of pain and misery to feeling good, knowing that I can figure things out. And it wasn't betrayal in the direct sense that he had to not bear with another person. But in a way, I felt betrayed because I thought we had shared a set of values that didn't come out. And that clarity finally allowed me to move forward. And when I discovered that, when I had that experience, I said, "Okay, I have healed myself, but can I help others?" And then my brother-in-law was going through some very difficult times in terms of indecision. He had to make some very difficult decisions regarding his career as a doctor. He had been stuck in indecision for two years. He had anxiety, nausea, he felt like vomiting all the time when he was thinking about it. And I thought, hmm, let me try. So I did a session with him, I applied my process. And in two hours, he went from confusion and anxiety to clarity. Owning a rental property sounds like a dream until you realize how much work goes into getting it ready. Determine a competitive rent price, market the property, schedule the showing screen, tenants, draft the lease at a rent collection, handle maintenance request, maintain communication. Whew, sound complicated? Renters' warehouse is here to take the hard work off your rental to-do list. Qualified tenants, check. Rent collection, check. Maintenance coordination, you got it. Go to runnerswarehouse.com for a free rental analysis to find out how much your home can rent for. Or call 303-974-9444. Because from now on, the only thing you need on your to-do list is to call runnerswarehouse. What's next? At Moss Adams, that question inspires us to help people and their businesses strategically define and claim their future. As one of America's leading accounting, consulting, and wealth management firms, our collaborative approach creates solutions for your unique business needs. We leverage industry-focused insights with the collective technical resources of our firm to elevate your performance, uncover opportunity, and move upward at Moss Adams.com. And certainly-- And he told me, wow, it was like I had been stuck in a pitch dark room, bumping myself against the furniture, and then he turned on the light. And now I can see it. I can move freely, right? So I realized the power of clarity to give you certainty so that you can move beyond betrayal, you can move beyond indecision, and you can create a better future. Does that make sense, Naomi? Yeah, it does. It makes a lot of sense. I know a lot of times with me that I sometimes get that blockage and not understanding what that blockage is. You go through this self-love, this healing process, and you think you're gotten through, and then all of a sudden, whoop, here comes something. And he's like, OK, I thought I got through that. And then it's something else. And so I totally understand where that block has come from. And when you spoke about your partnership, how that first five years was great. But what I've learned, especially when you're in a relationship with anybody, is that as you grow, you both grow differently. So what your values were started off with, sometimes there's not always like that. It's the funny thing that we talk about all the time about showing up as a representative. Just to be in a relationship with someone, whether it's a dating relationship or a partnership or a relationship, sometimes. And we figure when we get into that relationship, we can change, or hopefully, they will come on my side. And you know, like that, you know, from there. So when you were saying about the sense of betrayal, I kind of felt that. I kind of felt that in a way that, no, going in, being excited about this project, about what you're doing. And then as the company is growing and everything is happening, and then you see that person kind of moving away. And I'm gonna say this, I see a sense of to be true, as one is you like, I really should leave this. And not knowing and being indecisive with what you're doing. And that's as a sense of betraying yourself. But then also like, man, I thought this is where we had together. I thought we were on the same wavelength, you know, together for that. So I totally understand everything that you were saying right there. But my thing is, how can we get through it? What are the tools? How are we getting through that? That's a great question. Now, I'm gonna give you some specific tools, because then I decided to help women, considering divorce, who were stuck in indecision for years, sometimes decades, because they were afraid of making a mistake, they would be correct. And this is key, I'm gonna talk about that more. So I developed that process to help them make clarity and certainty. And now in 30 days or less, I can actually help them, because I'm gonna share the exact same tools that I guide them through. But the first thing you need to understand, Naomi, is that when people are stuck, whether it's because they were betrayed, or because they're not sure what to do, is there is a biological programming in their brain that stops them from taking action, that keeps them stuck in the status quo. So I have here a little model of the brain, for the people who are just listening to the podcast. You can imagine the brain as a cone of ice cream, with three scoops of ice cream on top of it, right? And the first scoops is what is called the primal brain. The second one is the emotional brain, and the last one is the rational brain. And this primal brain is important, because it's the part of our brain being in charge of our survival. And think about the decisions such as divorce, or whether it's, should I break the relationship, which is a business partnership, or any decision that has a very high cost of failure. In the case of divorce or moving on, it affects you and other people, your kids, your spouse, your family, maybe your friends. It affects you on many different fronts, psychological, emotional, financial, professional, social. And it affects you for many years to come, or even the rest of your life. On top of that, it's a decision that is pretty much irreversible. Once you pull the trigger, it's hard to come back, right? So it's a very high stakes, and unless you have absolute certainty that it's the right decision, your brain will say, "Hey, hold your horses." When in doubt, wait it out. The devil, you know, is better than the devil, the dog. Because even though your situation might be miserable, at least your brain knows that you've been able to cope with it, you're still alive. But you know it could be way worse. Does that make sense? - Yeah, oh, most definitely, yeah. - Okay. So how do you get over that kind of status quo, that paralysis, the answer, the antidote to the indecision and paralysis is certainty. And the way to get certainty is by having clarity. Now, I'll give you some examples. You talk about the betrayal, and there are two ways to get over the betrayal. Number one is, if I felt betrayed, am I in a position to actually move on, and then step number two, how can I best move on, so I don't repeat the same mistakes on the past, would I create a better future, so that I can make sure that the grass will be greener on the other side. And in order for you to have that certainty, you need to have clarity. Because for some people in their relationship, there are what I call instant deal breakers. That means that something happened and they were done. Maybe it was that their spouse cheated, or maybe it was that he went gambling and lost the kids money for the college at the casino, or maybe they started doing drugs, or maybe they became physically abusive. Something so powerful happened that one thing was, you know what, that's it, I'm done. Now, you arbitrate, but in a way you can move to that step forward from that step one of the truth, because you have that certainty. Unfortunately, a lot of women considering divorce, don't have that certainty. A lot of them tell me, you know what, Mike? I wish my husband or my spouse was a jerk. And what they're really saying is that I wish he was such a bad person, because in that sense, I would know exactly what certainty you like to do. But when that spouse is not a monster, that's when you are caught into, well, who knows? Maybe things can improve. Well, who knows? Things can change. And hope is almost infinite, right? Unfortunately, that's not a strategy. And as long as you don't make a decision, technically speaking, you haven't made a mistake. But when you pull the trigger, especially because in a situation like a relationship, things usually get worse before they get better, right? Like if you think about renovating a bathroom, you have to tear it down if we can rebuild it as a more beautiful bathroom. And the consequences are so heavy that if you make a decision, that's when you put yourself in a position to face the consequences, to blame yourself, to blame your kids by your spouse by other people. Whereas if you kind of say, you know, I'm still thinking about it and see stuck in a status quo, technically speaking, you haven't made a mistake. When you're speaking, you can keep going. And at least have the hope that things will get better. Does that make sense? - Yes, it does. - Okay, yes. So now let me give you the piece and I can get quite passionate. So if there's, you think there's a part where you want to step into this, I'll feed you to that. - I want to. - So the first thing is to understand what, how can we get clarity? And the first step is to get all the pieces of the puzzle. Imagine having a jigsaw puzzle. And you only have, you know, 200 pieces out of a thousand pieces. How likely are you going to be to figure out the big picture? - Not at all. - Not at all, right? Okay. And it's the same thing is that usually people do not consider all the things that are important to them in a relationship. I remember this client. Her name was Felicia. Her husband betrayed her. She found that that he had been cheating on her even when she was pregnant. It happened several times for the relationship. And then he came to her and said, no, no, I'm so sorry. It's not going to happen again. He went to a sex addiction support group, supposedly to get better. But in spite of that, she found that he had cheated again. She was devastated, as you can imagine. But at the same time, they had a son. And she kept thinking, yes, I can't take this anymore. He has cheated on me, but he's such a great dad. And her mind was focused only on the hand on these two big things. Great, great dad, terrible husband. - That's good. - But it's not considering all the pieces of the puzzle. And this happens especially when there is one aspect in the relationship of your spouse that is extreme. I call this being blinded by the intense. Maybe your spouse is a fantastic provider or a fantastic lover. It has a great sense of humor. There's one quantity that stands out so big that you think, wow, you forget about the rest. Now, Naomi, whenever you think about a relationship, the reality is that there are some things that are important to you in a partner. Maybe you want someone who has a great sense of humor. Maybe you want someone who is physically affectionate, who is a good communicator, a great listener, or who loves traveling, or who likes hard work music, whatever that is, it's specific to you. But when you start digging deep and really taking the time to understand, what are you needs? What is it that you want? What is it that you value, not what society tells you, but what you actually value, it turns out that most people have between 20 to 30 things that are important to them. And if that sounds a lot to people who are listening, it's a sure sign that they're not considering all the pieces of the variable. Does that make sense? - Mm-hmm, okay, yes. - So first step is you have to understand all the things that are important to you, not to what society tells you you should feel, not to what is important to you, friends and family, but to you as per person. There's no right, there's no wrong, there's nothing that is too small or too big, it is what it is. You know, I tell my clients, you're trying to feel differently about something because you should feel differently, is as ridiculous as me telling you, you have bright eyes, you know, you should have green eyes, but that doesn't make sense, that's why. No, no, no, no, no, it doesn't make sense. It's so obvious in this context. Or if you like sushi, somebody telling you, you should not like sushi, sushi is not good food. Or by its versa, you don't like sushi, they say you should like sushi. Well, your values represent who you are. It's your identity, nobody's like you, so you need to be really aware that it's okay to feel what you feel. Now, the next step is to take the things that are important to you and make sense of them. So I have here two Rubikubes. So for the people who are just listening, one Rubikube is completely jumbled, all the colors are mixed and the other one is sold. But the interesting thing, Naomi, to consider is that even though the jumbled Rubikube has all the colors, you know, completely jumbled, if you think about it, are there any pieces missing? Are there any color stickers or smaller cubes missing compared to the other cube? No, no, they're all there, right? All there. So all the necessary pieces to solve the cube are there. The only thing missing is turning them and placing them in the right sequence, right? Yes. So all the pieces are there. We all have inside of us when we take the time to look inside the pieces to understand what we really want and how we can create a better future and move beyond the trail, we just need to order them in the proper sequence. So how do we do this? The next step is what I call creating order from chaos. This is really where you start to ranking the things that are important to you from the most important one to the least important one. Because if you don't know what's more important versus least important, then you are stuck in this endless loop of pros and cons. - Yeah. - You know, mazing that by husband. This and not that. But when you start creating a hierarchy, that's when you can make decisions. And I'm gonna give you an example because at the base, the way we make decisions as a human being is we have a set of values, a set of things that are important to us that we try to fulfill consciously or unconsciously. So let me give you this example. Has it ever happened to you to go to the restaurant and you look at the menu, you want to order some food and you don't know what to order? You're like, "Hmm, this or that?" And I'm not sure, has that ever happened to you? - Oh, yes. (laughs) - Okay. So this is quite a common experience. And the reality is that for most people, it's because there are a number of things that is important to them in what they want when they order food, but not all of them are fulfilled. - Yeah. - The three most common are, let's say people want something that is tasty, yum yum, that is healthy and that is reasonably priced. And if you have something like that on the menu, it's like, go, go, go, it's a no-brainer. If there's nothing like that, is everything is expensive, doesn't taste good and it's not healthy, it's a no, no, no. But the problem is when you have something that is one, but not the other, it becomes the yes, but yes, but whoa, it's tasty. Yeah, but it's not really healthy. Wow, this is healthy and tasty. Yeah, but have you seen the price? And it's only when you become aware of the things that you are trying to juggle in your mind and also when you become aware of, okay, at the end of the day, what do I value more? Is it taste, is it health or is it price? And you will make a very different choice. If you want taste, if you want healthy, maybe the salmon, if you want cheap, maybe the pizza, right? So that's how we make decisions. And we get confused even with just three values because we cannot process those things in our mind. Imagine when you have 20 to 30 values. So you need to take the time to put them in your writing to define what every single value means to you to as much possible detail as possible so that you know or anybody else would know without a shred of doubt whether that value is being fulfilled. For example, physically affectionate. What does having a partner who's physically affectionate mean to you now, for example? - For me to say that again? Yeah, what, if you were to tell me no, somebody who is physically affectionate, that's something that's important to me. How would you define physically affectionate? I don't know if that's true for you, but how would you define it? - Well, for me, it would find is just being in my space, being right here where I can feel that energy. A gentle hand, you know, holding my hand or a hug, you know, just a hug, you know, like that. Just really is really being in my present and being in my present, because it's both sitting in the room, you can be doing one thing, I can be doing another, but if we're sitting in there and we're there together, that's good for me, yeah. - I love that. Thank you so much, that's such a great example. And what you did, you did two things. The first one is owning a rental property sounds like a dream until you realize how much work goes into getting it ready. Determinate competitive rent price, market the property, schedule the showing screen, tenants draft at the lease at a rent collection, maintenance request, maintenance and communication. - Whew, sound complicated? Runners warehouse is here to take the hard work off your rental to-do list. Qualified tenants, check, rent collection, check. Maintenance coordination, you got it. Go to Runnerswarehouse.com for a free rental analysis to find out how much your home can rent for. Or call 303-974-9444, because from now on, the only thing you need on your to-do list is to call Runners warehouse. - What's next? At Moss Adams, that question inspires us to help people and their businesses strategically define and claim their future. As one of America's leading accounting, consulting and wealth management firms, our collaborative approach creates solutions for your unique business needs. We leverage industry focus insights with the collective technical resources of our firm to elevate your performance. Uncover opportunity and move upward at MossAtoms.com. - Him being in my presence, and that's one way, but that's only one way that you can feel it. And then what you did is you used something that were more like you used to work in the movies, right? So imagine being a Hollywood director, and you make the scene where people should know that this is a person who is physically affectionate. And that's when you describe, we are in the same room. He has my hand on me, he gives me hugs. So the more you can describe it in the sense of what you see, what the other person is doing, who is doing, who is where doing what, the more you'll have a precision in terms of knowing whether that person fulfills the value of no. Does that make sense? - Yeah, totally, totally. - So you gather all the pieces, then you try to make some order, and you organize them from the most important one to the least important one, because otherwise, you don't know what is essential versus optional. You don't know what are the things that you can compromise on versus the ones that are must-have. So here's another example. Let's say that you are looking for your dream house, and there are 20 things that you're looking in this house. And one day a friend of yours comes and says, Naomi, Naomi, I found your dream house. It has 19 things out of 20 that you're looking for. That's 95%. Is that a good thing? Is that a bad thing? - So for me, it's a good thing, because it's 95% of it, and I am the type of person that whatever that 5%, not, I'm going to make it work. I'm going to create it myself with, I'm, yes. - Okay. - Can I just ask you an answer? - Yeah. - Now let me ask you this. Let's see what comes out. You know, this was not reversed. (laughing) - What if the one thing missing, Naomi, is that the house is located in a different city and state that where you want to live? - Okay. That's different. - Aha. - That's different. First of all, I wouldn't be in a city or the state that I'm just saying. I wouldn't even be there looking. You understand what I'm saying? So I wouldn't have been called there to look. So can we give another one? 'Cause I wouldn't. (laughing) - I know I kind of tricked you. I know, I know, but thank you for playing along. But the point is that, you know, if a person comes and says, yeah, 95% at the end of the day, it doesn't matter so much what are the things that are, it's not the what is, that's right. It's not how many things are fulfilled. It's which ones, because one thing, if it's the number one most important thing, if it's not fulfilled, everything else becomes a moot point. So I realize this is an extreme example, but the reality is that you can have that clarity and make powerful decisions only when you know, what are my top values? What are my bottom values? What are my essential values? Because then this is what allows you to assess your relationship for real. And both in terms of if you are stuck in a relationship and you wanna move past that relationship, as well as let's say that the next step has come and you are dating, you are moving beyond the trail, you are trying to meet new people, understanding that if you have a person in front of you and you see that some things are fulfilled but not others, the most important thing you can have is clarity. What is it that's missing? Because I remember this client, her name was Kate, she had been struggling for five long years in terms of should I stay, should I go? Her husband was not a monster and that's why she was stuck in indecision. And when we took the things that were important to her, it turned out that she had 14 things out of 26 that were essential to her. The problem was that her husband did not fulfill four out of the top five. So even though he had 70% of things that she wanted in the relationship, quote unquote on paper, he had a lot of things going on for him. Unfortunately, the most important ones were not fulfilled. And that's when she was able to finally understand why she had been unhappy to put her emotions into words and to make a decision that you know what, those things are so powerful and there were a few others that he would have to make changes on that in reality, expecting him to change, to make significant changes on those five or seven areas would have been unrealistic. He would have needed a personality transplant, right? So that's when she had to sort of be okay, you know what? Yeah, he's not a bad person. It's not that he's a bad husband, he's just we're not a good fit because the things that are most important to me are not being fulfilled. And that's how she was able to move forward. Does that make sense? It does, but I have a question for you. Yes. For speaking up your client, 'cause this one, this recent one right here, is that out of the 14, was it out of the four, I wanna make sure that the amount of the essential ones is central ones. The central, that's out of the top five, four of them, the husband or the mate did not qualify for. So I guess this is my question. Were her looking for those values or those things into that other person herself? Does she have that herself to seek, does that make sense? Does she have that within herself to not look at it from someone else? So it wouldn't be a make it a break it. Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely absolutely. You know what, that's such a great comment. Actually, that's quite a depends comment because one of the things that, you know, the first thing is to have like a complete picture of the state of your relationship. And then you see, okay, I know that my essentials need to be fulfilled for me to be happy, but it doesn't mean that your husband has to do all the work. Maybe there are some things that you can fulfill differently that doesn't require your husband or your spouse to fulfill them. Ideally, you would want to have your spouse do that, but maybe there are other ways. And that reminds me the example of Tracy. So Tracy was a storyteller. Every day she would come home and she would start telling what happened to her to her husband and wanting to share all the details. There was one problem though. Her husband had ADHD, he focused long enough to listen to her. So even if he hadn't wanted, that was a no-go. And obviously that was a problem for her because having a good listener was stopped to on her list. But you made a very powerful comment. In this specific instance, I guided her and I said, well, is there a way so that you can have this value fulfilled sufficiently outside of your relationship? I call this outsourcing. And she said, you know what maybe and what she started doing was organizing lunches with her very best friends three times a week where they would get together and her friends were just great listeners and she would get her listening cup need feel enough so that when she would come home, she would not have to have her husband listen to her. So that was one workaround, which was powerful enough for her to see, okay, this I can take care of myself and the others. So this is not something that I should focus on to try my husband to make changes because that one I can take care to outsourcing. Does that answer your question? - Yeah, yeah, it does, yeah, it does. - I'll give you another one, which is, that was Stacy, my member is correct. Obviously I'm using fake names to protect their privacy but no, I understand you're right. So she had a husband and he was very, very messy. And she was always like, oh man, he left the dishes. You know, three days of dishes in the sink. He would drop just her clothes on the floor. He's setting up putting them in the laundry bag. And she was like fed up and she would just go at him and knock him like, you know, clean after yourself. Would your things be tidy? But she realized two things when I helped her order her values and did understand what was essential versus optional. It turned out that having a spouse that was tidy was value number 21 out of 22. It was like not only optional, but it was the second class. And when she saw that, she was like blown away. He's like, oh my gosh, I've spent so much time and effort on focusing on something that is not even relevant. So it's not essential to me. And I can also take care of me because what I really care about at the end of the day is not that he is tidy. Yes, I would love that. But what I really care at the end of the day is to have a tidy house. And you know what? I can tidy, I'll wash the dishes. I'll clean the, I'll take the clothes on the floor. And in exchange, he can do some in other things for me. So that's another way I call that insourcing. The first one is outsourcing. This one is insourcing. So these are some ways that you can kind of find work rounds. But you know, at the end of the day, there's only so many that you can work on this way. So there is a possibility, but it depends. It really is case by case. And you have to understand really what are the points that are most painful to you because they're not fulfilled and they're essential versus the ones that are optional. Does that make more sense now? - Yeah, it does. I mean, I kind of followed you along with it all the way too. So I definitely understand. So it's more, you said it once, you said by prioritizing what your values are from there. So her tidiness was number 21, but it was like an irritation for her, you know, more. So now your joy is just teaching how to manage those things. What's really important to you is that really a strong, you know, how can you do it? And you had those two different forms from outsourcing and insourcing to kind of help that along the way because you already know before you say I do that he wasn't tidy. You already knew before you got married that he wasn't a good listener. Owning a rental property sounds like a dream until you realize how much work goes into getting it ready. Determine a competitive rent price, market the property, schedule the showing screen, tenants, draft the lease at a rent collection, handle maintenance, request maintenance and communication. Whew, sound complicated? Runners Warehouse is here to take the hard work off your rental to-do list. Qualified tenants, check. Rent collection, check. Maintenance coordination, you got it. Go to runnerswarehouse.com for a free rental analysis to find out how much your home can rent for. Or call 303-974-9444 because from now on, the only thing you need on your to-do list is to call Runners Warehouse. What's next? At Moss Adams, that question inspires us to help people and their businesses strategically define and claim their future. As one of America's leading accounting, consulting and wealth management firms, our collaborative approach creates solutions for your unique business needs. We leverage industry-focused insights with the collective technical resources of our firm to elevate your performance, uncover opportunity and move upward at MossAtoms.com. But you made that conscious decision to say, I do. So now my question is to you, why did you say I do? We're knowing that, you know, so where in that question that I have for them, what answers would you have from your clients when asking that question because it's somewhere you made a decision knowing that, and I understand you said, what's more important to you, you know, knowing. So you already know going in that, all right, there is a possibility, a 50/50, 50/50 chance that this man is not gonna listen to me because he has ADHD. (laughing) And I know this man is not, he's messy because I've been to his apartment and I know how it is. So what, as a woman, or even a person, period, that once you say I do, it's going to change? - That's such a great question. And that opens up another whole topic in our area, which is, you know, people who have cold feet because in a way, maybe, so there are so many reasons because I also help women who are like, not sure if they marry or not or women who had divorced and who told me, you know, right from the get go, I had a feeling that maybe it wasn't right. But I remember having this client, she saw that her parents had always been unhappy. So for her, it was normal to be in a relationship where it's okay to be unhappy. That was the role model that she had and she didn't know better. Another one was that there was so much societal pressure, you know, either because their friends were getting married or the family or even sometimes it was religious. Like I remember this person who told me, you know, they went to see this religious figure. I don't know if it was a pastor and he said, so are you really loving each other and ready to spend eternity together or something along those lines? And it was such a big question, but the pressure to say yes was so big that you don't know what else to say. And again, it goes back, think about this. It goes back to the beginning in terms of if you have some doubts about the marriage, but you're not sure, it's a status quo. If you pull the plug, you know you're gonna have to face consequences and if you don't have certainty, then you say, you know, who knows? And hope, we have an amazing ability for denial and hope. So you think, why, I mean, there is more than one answer for the question why do people say yes even if they know? So maybe she knew he was messy, but maybe at the time she was blinded by other things that she had not paid so that there were more, maybe he was a great love or maybe they have that love of animals in common that she thought the other thing wouldn't matter. Or maybe she thought, I can change him. I'm sure that this is a thought that people have. And the reality to make a long story short is it's because people do not have clarity in terms of what's important to them. Because if you know from the get go, you know what? I really want a person who's a great listener and even though he's so great in other areas of the relationship, that's not gonna do it for me. If you have that clarity beforehand, then you can also have the certainty to not say I do. But we are so confused with our emotions. How much more time do you have? No, maybe because I'm so passionate I have lots of things to share. - We don't have to have a part two. (laughing) - So there's a thing which is at the end of the day, we're not very good at human beings at understanding our emotions. I'm gonna give you a couple of studies that I found really, really funny. So the first one is they had male students meet a woman in the middle of a suspended bridge that was almost 300 feet high. And the bridge was shaky. It was made of those wooden planks with ropes. So it was very fear-inducing. And they would meet this woman at the, in the middle of the bridge, they would have, the woman would have them fill out a questionnaire. And at the end, she would give them the phone number, saying if you have questions about the study, call me. And then they did the exact same study. But on the bridge, it was very similar, but it was very, very low. It was just maybe three feet high, no danger whatsoever. And what came up was that there were many more men who ended up calling the woman who were the men who had been on the shaky high bridge. Do you have any, what's your guess? What do you think more men called the woman when they went and met her on the high, quote unquote, the interest bridge versus the lower one? - Because I figured that that's more the lower one. And you said the lower one was shaky, right? I just wanna make sure that was here. - Oh, no, sorry, let me make it clearer. So the one that was at 300 feet was shaky, but it was at 200 feet. So if you look down, it's scary. The other one was shaky too, but if you look down, it's just three feet high. - And they went to the one that was the highest. - So the ones who crossed the high bridge ended up calling the woman much more often than the ones who just met the woman on the lower bridge. - Well, first, the one on the highest that gave, and I'm just speaking, I believe that it gave them more of a higher self-esteem that I was able to make it here versus then making it here, that I put more effort in going upwards. So more, that's more intel of who I am moving forward. That's what I see. - You know, that's a great question, sorry, that is a great answer, and I hear that a lot. At the same time, they could just feel high self-esteem without necessarily having to call the woman. They could just feel great about themselves. So it turns out, but I like your answer because it really shows that you thought about it. At the end of the day, what happened is that the men who went on the bridge that was elevated, that was fear inducing, they felt physiological arousal, and their brain misinterpreted, oh, I feel emotional when I'm in front of this woman, it must mean that I'm attracted to her or romantically attracted, right? So they misattributed a physical sensation to something else. So we feel things, and then we try to make sense from the environment, and that was the most obvious thing. Now, let me give you a second experiment. They were giving people either very cold beverages or warm beverages, and then they had them read about another person, the profile of another person. And it turned out that the people who were holding cold beverages in their hands were rating this other person profile, they were saying that the person I'm reading about, she's colder, she's not as emotional. And the people who had warm beverages in their hand were saying, oh, this is a wonderful person, she's so nice and emotional. Obviously, I'm kind of paraphrasing, but that is that we're not very good at understanding our emotions. And in fact, to go back to the example of Stacy, when she had the husband who was messy, she thought he was the cause of the unhappiest of the relationship, because there were other issues going on in the relationship, but what was the most obvious thing that she could see with her eyes to close on the floor, the dish and the sink? - Yeah. - Sorry, yes, is that the dish and the sink? - Yeah, yeah. - Does that make sense? - Yeah, most definitely. - Most definitely. - So we are not very good at understanding our emotions, we don't have clarity, so that's why taking the time to really dig deep in terms of what it is that is important to me, how do I know it's being fulfilled? And really, having all the pieces of the puzzle and putting them in order, that's what gives you the power to make a powerful decision. And not only to decide to say, I do, but also to kind of create a better future. Does it make sense? - Yes, it does, yes it does. And you know what, one thing is that I didn't know that this is gonna be a really good show, well, I knew it was gonna be a good show, but I didn't know that we were gonna have to have a party. (laughing) - I'd love to be back on this show, because I have some very, very, I'm gonna give you a teaser. The grain is gonna come back into play, and you know, this is gonna just blow your mind once you understand how you can get really clarity because there's a difference down me. So now this is teaser for part two. Listen to this, make sure to come back to part two. (laughing) There's a difference between knowing what to do and the way you feel about it. - Yeah. - It knows something logically, but emotionally it's a totally flunked ball game. You know, I have so many women, it's like, oh, my therapist tells me I should divorce, but I'm not sure, oh, my marriage counselors thinks I should divorce, but I'm not sure. First of all, it may be based on other people's values, but even when they know logically, it's like, it's not the same thing. And in the next episode, one of the answers I'm gonna, one of the questions I'm going to answer is, does it ever happen to you to watch a movie where you know logically that it has a happy ending? Let's take the notebook. - You know. - You know that no one, Ali, they will just end up together. It will be a beautiful love story. They will see us. - You're talking about anything? - But, while you watch the movie, you're having the struggles, you're having the fans, you're like, oh my God, what's gonna happen? Why is that? Why do we know something logically and yet emotionally it's a different ball game? Well, the answer will be in the next episode. - I love that. You know, I thank you for that one, Mike. (laughs) You know, and as you were talking, and I said, oh my God, he will be grateful our next series, and it goes right on top, right on that we're talking about balancing, you know, balancing your life and trying to figure that out or what life looks like balancing for you. So that'll be a great idea. We're gonna have to do this again for, oh my God, yes! (laughs) Let's do this again. So any last words for my listeners right now, like I said, we're talking about Hill and B.R. Mitrell in this month's series. So if you had any last words to give my listeners, what would it be? - So let me make a quick summary. The first thing is you have to understand that you're bringing your biology that is set against you because it wants to protect you, it wants to keep the status quo. The next step is to gather all the pieces of the puzzle so that you can really make a decision properly. Then it's to understand what's more important versus that's important, essential versus optional. Then there's one more set that we're gonna talk in part two. And I will say that if people are really, really curious, I have written a book. It's called The Divorce Decision Decoded. People can go on getabsoluteclarity.com. You wanna get absoluteclarity.com. You can get the book. You can understand how to apply the process. But really those are the first steps. And on the next episode, this is where we're gonna kind of come with this super new perspective that is really mind-blowing that will make a lot of sense when you actually learn it and yet nobody's using it. So another teaser for the next episode. - Yeah, beautiful. All right, so look, when Mike, he's not talking about the episode for tomorrow, he's talking about the next episode that him and I will be involved. - That's good. - I think it's gonna be amazing. I know it's, they don't think I know it's going to be amazing for that. Again, Mike, thank you. Thank you so much. I'm excited already. I am, I'm excited already. It's just hiding it even more, really it is. To my listeners, I wanna thank you so much for continuing to join us here on The Season of Stuff Month. I keep tuning in. Keep tuning in. I told you we got y'all this and I'll be catch up this month. And as you see, I'm gonna have you next month too 'cause I'm gonna have Mike back. I'm gonna have Mike back. So again, I want you to remember that every step that you take is a part of your love journey. I'll take you one day at a time. Be patient with yourself, all right? Have a good one. - Thank you for joining us on this journey of discovery and empowerment here at The Season of Stuff Month podcast. Remember, embracing Stuff Love is a continuous journey and we're so glad to have you with us. So if you enjoyed today's episode, please leave us a review. And don't forget to join our community on Facebook at Season of Stuff Love. Connect with a like-minded individuals who are also on their Stuff Love journey. Now, if you have any questions on topics that you would like for us to explore, we'd love to hear from you. Email us at Season of Stuff Love at gmail.com and let your voice be here. So until next time, take a moment for yourself. Today, and remember, you are worthy of love, joy, and all the beautiful things that life has to offer. (upbeat music) - Owning a rental property sounds like a dream until you realize how much work goes into getting it ready. Determine a competitive rent price, market the property, schedule the showing screen and draft up the lease at a rent collection, handling its request, making a communication. - Whew, sound complicated? Renner's Warehouse is here to take the hard work off your rental to-do list. Qualify tenants, check, rent collection, check. Maintenance coordination, you got it. Go to Rennerswearhouse.com for a free rental analysis to find out how much your home can rent for. Or call 303-974-9444, because from now on, the only thing you need on your to-do list is to call Renner's warehouse. - What's next? At Moss Adams, that question inspires us to help people and their businesses strategically define and claim their future. As one of America's leading accounting, consulting and wealth management firms, our collaborative approach creates solutions for your unique business needs. We leverage industry-focused insights with the collective technical resources of our firm to elevate your performance. Uncover opportunity and move upward at MossAtoms.com.