(upbeat music) - Welcome to Commvos on Confidence, the podcast that gives listeners a window into the lives of some of the most confident people on the planet. Join me, your host, Bridget McGowan, as I have conversations to reveal the secrets to my guests' confidence. As an award-winning international professional speaker, an award-winning author, and an award-winning publisher, I sit down with go-getters from All Walksfly, backgrounds, and professions. They took the risks, they made the tough choices, and they pursued the opportunities, and now they encourage you to confidently do the same. Welcome to Commvos on Confidence. (upbeat music) - Hello, everybody, and welcome to today's episode of Commvos on Confidence. I am your host, Bridget McGowan, and today I am joined by friend, co-author, colleague, and fellow boy, mom, Alyssa Berthium, Alyssa, welcome to the show. - Hey, Bridget, thanks for having me. - Ah, my goodness, this is long overdue. Considering the fact, your first book, what year did you publish your first book, Allie? - 2020. - 2020, considering your first book has been out since 2020, I think we've known each other since probably 2021, and considering the fact, the title of your book is award-winning book, I Need to Clarify, is Dear Universe, I Get It Now, letters on the art and journey of being brave and being me, it makes absolute perfect sense that you would be on a show about confidence. So tell me, what is it you do? I know you as being a writing coach, a ghost writer extraordinaire, but for the listeners, what is the magic that you bring about in the world? - So the magic is my magical healing powers and God-like presence. (laughing) - Okay, I have to explain to the listeners why we're laughing. I'm also a publisher. In addition to being a professional speaker, I publish non-fiction books and a number of our authors have worked with you as well as other members of our team, but you are the only member. You're the only press 49th partner that has been described as having heaven-like and angelic-like characteristics because of the amazing way you work with clients and words, it's hilarious. - It is hilarious, especially because even though I have a really big heart that might be angelic in spirit, I swear like a trucker, as you know. (laughing) So what do I do in the world apart from make other people's dreams comes true? You know, it's in just the tactical sense, right? I'm coaching people on how to write their book. So they're doing the writing and I'm guiding them in the process of staying organized, staying structured and focused, and then making sure that the manuscript is well developed on the other side. Same thing with being a developmental editor. It's really about manuscript development and ghost writing is all of those things. Just I'm the one writing and they're the one in the review seat. But ultimately I think that the magic that I'm bringing is that people reach this whole other level of their own kind of like season in life or self identity or self expression through the work that we do together, especially those who are in the memoir space and that's really the space I like to play in the most, they're activating a whole new layer of their healing in the work that we do together because they're rewriting their narrative, they're recognizing that they were the hero of the story all along. They're saying things that they've only ever kind of held within their bodies or their minds and there's something very releasing and therapeutic and healing about putting it out onto the page and no longer carrying that weight of your past kind of silently and doing it in the spirit of serving someone else so that they feel less alone or so that they feel seen and heard. So there's a whole kind of level of self work and empowerment I think that really comes from what I do. So the byproduct, but the interpersonal development, I think, is really where people end up shining the most. - Now, is this what you've always wanted to do, work in the world of words? - Yeah, I mean, it looked differently when I was five. When I was five was the very first time that I knew I wanted to be a writer or work knowing, knowing not in like, oh, I like this and this is interesting to me, but like a deep core inner knowing, like purpose driven kind of stuff, which is hard to articulate when you're five and everybody thinks that you're just cute and you don't know what you're talking about, right? But that dream held on my whole life. Now it shifted over time. Originally, it was like, oh, I'm just gonna be an author and I'm gonna write books. And then the outside external messages that that's not practical or realistic hit at some point. And so then what I thought I could do with writing shifted. And even when I went out on my own as an entrepreneur in 2019, I had really been doing my job, my job, my day job and then the right place, right time together at once for six months before I left the nine to five and went out completely on my own. So between 2018 and 2019, those six months, even then I went out and started off by content writing and copywriting. I had never done either of those things before, specifically, I had studied writing my whole life. I had a master's degree in writing, but I didn't have like a marketing certificate or a marketing degree to suggest that I could do either of those things. So writing has evolved a lot and the book coaching, ghost writing, editing. That happened kind of in conjunction with Dear Universe coming out. It was this really weird organic year where I was writing and publishing my first book and I had one person come to me wanting to be coached. I had another person come to me wanting me to ghost write. And by 2021, I had stepped into a whole new era and found exactly where I needed to be doing the thing that I've said since I was five that I've always wanted to do. - Wow, wow. Have you ever had a point where, although words have just been you since you were five years old, but have you ever had a point where you're just kind of, you're doubtful of yourself. The confidence is hard to find. And if so, walk us through what was happening and how you reclaimed your confidence, if you will. - Yeah, so I would say, so with this particular journey with the writing piece, the doubt started to set in probably middle school. I would say that was when it was like, the idea of being a writer was no longer cute, like external forces no longer wanted to entertain that and the messaging around, well, what are you really gonna do? Like put that joke aside, what are you really gonna do? Like be real with us. You know, and then of course with high school, it was like, well, what are you going to study, right? Because the emphasis was on higher education and college and that was like the next step. And writing just continued to be this thing that wasn't really an option. I was being told like, well, you need something else, something in addition to or more that will pay the bills. And so the more that I received those messages, the more that I was doubtful that like my dream was realistic. And not just that, but that maybe I wasn't good enough. Maybe the reason that I kept getting these messages about what are you really gonna do is because people around me didn't actually think I had enough talent or skill to make it, right? That, you know, there are John Grisham's of the world and then there are not. And I was in the not category, right? And there was also a very narrowed focus and understanding of what writing jobs were, you know, it was limited to like journalism and teaching English and then like the 1% John Grisham's who were like writing and publishing for a living and making all the money. There weren't a lot of additional avenues that were being promoted. The internet was just barely happening, right? We were not yet in a completely digital age where there's content galore and people need to be writing that kind of content. And so it was like, okay, like I guess this isn't it. I must be wrong. I must have gotten this whole idea of purpose and calling, you know, wrong. And so for a little while that confidence was rocky and shattered. And I ended up basically having one toe dipped in the writing pond and the other toe dipped in a different path that was supposed to be more realistic and the breadwinner. And that was psychology. So, you know, I got to undergrad, I got two degrees. I started to think about grad school and even though I really felt compelled to go and get a master's in writing, I chose a master's in marriage and family therapy and got to that master's program and was really unhappy. I could do the work, I could get A's with my eyes closed, which I don't think really says much about the program. I mean, I know that I'm intelligent, but like at the same time, like I feel like it should have been a little bit challenging and it just so happened that that school was opening an MFA program for the very first time while I was there. So I listened to the nudge I took the leap and there was a sense that was restored for a little bit. You know, I was in my element. I was getting my master's in something that I had been impassioned about from five, but then the reality of getting that master's and then moving back to my home state and trying to find a degree, you know, or trying to find a job where my degree would transfer was incredibly difficult. The opportunities were very narrow. Again, the outside messaging of what was possible with this degree was that you could be an adjunct English professor or you could make no money working in a literary journal. Nobody was talking about coaching and editing and ghost writing. Nobody was talking about content writing or copywriting, which is where I got my start. Nobody was talking about those things. So again, I was like, okay, I've got no lane. I've got nothing to go for, but I couldn't let it go. And that is where I think the innate confidence and resilience that was just in me. You know, I feel like there are some confidence that can be learned. And I think that there's some confidence that is just given to you. Maybe because it's been modeled that way or maybe you're just naturally inclined in that direction. I think I've got a little bit of the innate confidence and then there's other confidence I've had to learn. And I think in this instance, coming out of that master's program, it was my innate confidence that was constantly driving me to figure it out. And so I was always looking for the opportunity or the possibility. And finally, in 2018, I found it. - What do you think people get wrong about confidence or being confident? - I think that they get confidence wrong like they get leadership wrong. You know, they say leaders are born, not made. And I think that that's crap. Like, you know, I think leadership is a skill that you can learn. And confidence is also something that you can learn. So I think people who hide behind, well, I'm just not confident. That it might be true perhaps that you are more, let's say, introverted, maybe you don't want to be the center of attention or you're not comfortable being the face in a crowd or on stage in the spotlight. But that doesn't mean that you can't also be confident, right? Like, so number one, I think those two things, like confidence and extroversion or confidence and introversion, like I don't feel like those things are like, only extroverts are confident, introverts are not. There's that piece. But then I also think this like, well, I'm just not, as if you can't be, is also the wrong story. It's a bad, untrue internal story, you know, 'cause confidence is really feeling at home within yourself enough to push yourself outside your comfort zone. And you can learn to be at home with yourself if you're willing and wanting to gain that kind of skill set. But I think you have to be motivated to get there. And, you know, it makes me think about athletes and quote-unquote non-athletes. Some people have to work a little bit harder at other things than other people. Or even when you think about school or academics, you know, some people, math just comes naturally to them. Or, you know, let's look at you. Writing, you sell them, get writer's block. But, you know, maybe you have to work a little bit harder in other areas than some people. And so if confidence is one of them, don't find an excuse. Don't say, well, I'm an introvert. I'm an introvert, real talk. I am an introvert. And then I think that leads to another question of what do people get wrong about introvertedness or introversion versus shyness. The two are not one and the same. So when I tell people I'm an introvert, they start arguing with me. No, I didn't say I'm shy. Being an introvert doesn't mean you're shy. Being an introvert means you just get your energy by being, by yourself. But I'm digressing. Sometimes you have to work a little bit harder. When you know it just isn't your jam, it doesn't come to you naturally. You have to work a little bit harder. Now, Ali, when you think about your work that you do and the difference you bring about in the world, what has you most excited? Like what's on the horizon that has you totally pumped and you cannot wait for the world to see it or to share it with the world? - Ah, someone just asked me this question recently and I could not peg one thing. They specifically asked me, was there a book project or a women's story? 'Cause I tend to work with a lot of women that I was most excited about. And I was like, please don't make me choose. (both laughing) So I guess, there's so many books that I've worked on in the last however many months or years that are finally hitting like publication stage, like this quarter, this last coming quarter or early 2025 that I'm like, man, my portfolio is gonna go from like not to hot. Like because all of these titles are all kind of coming to fruition and I've been doing these really fabulous spotlight posts on LinkedIn every couple of weeks highlighting the people that I'm working with and where they're at in the journey. And I just get so excited writing those posts because I'm working with so many phenomenal people and so many phenomenal projects and they're all at various stages. So while it's not very specific, I'm legitimately fulfilled and satisfied by the types of people that I have gotten to serve in these last 18 months. I'm working with incredible humans with brilliant minds and wonderful hearts. And they're all putting such goodness out into the world regardless of the genre that they're working in, regardless of the titles. And they span everything from like thought leadership to memoirs focused around trauma, to self help. I mean, they're kind of all over the place. They're each just so unique and wonderful in and of themselves and I'm just so happy to be a part of that. - Yeah, you do amazing, amazing work. I remember you posted something on LinkedIn recently with just all of these different projects that you're involved in or have been involved in. And it's exciting, the great work that you're, that you are supporting other rock stars with getting out into the world. Now, Ali, how do you remain competent? Because I know as a business owner, there are some days when you're thinking, what am I doing? I don't even have to ask you if that's a reality, just knowing what life is like on my end. There are great days, then there are not so great days. But my goodness, the not so great days just kind of stick in your mind. How do you remain competent in the midst of the just the days? - Oh my gosh, I think when it gets to that like day where I'm like, okay, I'm gonna go fulfill that help wanted sign in the sandwich shop down the street, which I've thought about more than once. I'm like, I can cut turkey, right? Like I can lather mustard on some bread. Like that's, anybody can do that. I can do that and I won't even have to think about it. Like I don't have to think about it. I'll just click my paycheck. So there are definitely those days, but then I remember, well, I remember a series of things really. Number one, the first thing that I remember what is what it was like when I was in the last nine to five that I had when I was doing a job that felt ill-suited where I felt more than capable, but yet was so undervalued and under-recognized that it was like this was a time in my life where I wasn't playing and... - Wait, so say that one more time, this was a time in your life when you weren't playing what? - My greatest game, like I wasn't bringing all of my competencies, all of my skills, all of my best mindset and attitude, all of my confidence, right? I let the way that other people valued me shake what I knew to be true if I took enough time to look inward. So now on the days where I'm thinking about going and working at the sandwich shop, I remember how far I've come. Like I remember where I was just six years ago and where I am today. And I remember where my bank account was six years ago, six years ago, when I walked out of my day job with only two months of living expenses and a toddler at home and being freshly divorced, talk about a leap of faith. Like, so on the rough days, I remember it's been worse and I pulled myself out of that and I kept marching forward. And I believed in myself enough then when things were really bad that I know then that today, whatever that day is, this bad day, this bad moment is a blip. And that blip doesn't get to replace all of the other moments where I succeeded. And I think that that's really important. It's also helpful to go back and look at all of those really wonderful testimonials and reviews that call me Jesus like and heaven sent and all this other somewhat ridiculous comparisons from that religious standpoint. But like the endorsements and the recommendations and the testimonials where people are being genuinely sincere when they say how much I've helped them, how much I've transformed, you know, what they were originally working on, how much I saw them and heard them and validated them. Sometimes on those bad days seeing ourselves through someone else's lens can remind us of what we also know to be true of ourselves. It's just that in some moments we can't see it as clearly. - That's really good advice, you know, we beat up on our sales more than we should and viewing yourself through the lens of another person, I think just works wonders. Something else that you made me think about is the testimonials you were talking about and how you'll go back to those sometimes to remind yourself, you know what? You're pretty hot stuff. And so for some of our listeners who don't necessarily have testimonials, what are some ways they can do reviews, if you will, of whether it's their performance themselves, I don't know, what are some things they can do to be reminded of just how incredible they are? - So my recommendation would either do the personal audit or the phone or friend audit. This is what I'm calling them. So the personal audit might look like, okay, in this moment where you don't have any confidence, what's the story that you're telling yourself? Let's say that that story is, I'm not worthy of a job that I feel is satisfying, right? And that's somehow shattering the confidence. This is a moment to do that personal audit and reflect on points in time when that story was not true. So was there ever a time maybe that you worked in a job where you did feel satisfied? Well, if you did, then you were worthy then, why wouldn't you be worthy now? Like you're poking holes in the internal story that you're telling yourself about why you might not be worthy or whatever it has to do with why your confidence is shattered in that moment. The phone or friend audit is like, you call up your, you know, ride or die. You know, you call up those people in your inner circle and you ask them for the pick me up. Like, you know, what is it that you see in me as a friend or what is it that you see in me as a mom or what is it that you see in me as a sister or what is it that you see in me as a colleague, you know, whoever is in that inner circle, you know, or ask them for three words that would describe you and build up that like affirmation list or that adjective list. I actually remember in college, I had a bestie who went through a really bad breakup and one of her friends from college reached out to a bunch of the other friends that she knew that she had. I was included and asked all of us to put together either a note, a funny photo of us with her, a playlist of pick me up music or jokes that might make her laugh and send them back to this person who was collecting all these things. And this person collected all of these things and put it together in a book and handed it to my best friend to cheer her up. And, but in there was all these things that reminded her that even while this person had chosen out of their relationship, it didn't mean that she wasn't whole or worthy or beautiful or funny or intelligent or giving, you know, that the breakup was the breakup and it hurt, but she wasn't alone and she wasn't any less than because of whatever had happened. So you can always make your own breakup book, reach out to all the people that you know love and trust who will send in notes and jokes and affirmations and photos and remind you of all the inner goodness, you know, that you are. - That is a fantastic idea. Listeners, I need you to pause the episode right now and jot down the names, just the first names of at least three people, minimum three people, you're gonna reach out to and ask them to do just what Ali suggested, asking them to send you a quick anecdote, a reminder of something funny, something fabulous about you, a great picture of a fabulous time together, what have you just write down the first names of at least three people, then when the episode is over, then text them, email them, call them or what have you and give them their homework assignment. I think that is a terrific idea, terrific idea. Now, Ali, in your book, Dear Universe, I Get It Now. You have a number of stories slash letters in it. Which one do you love the most that really speaks to bravery, courage and confidence? Which would you say is just at the top of your list where this is a story, if you could relive it or a letter, you could retell it over and over again, you would? - Oh gosh. - I know, I know, they're all so good. Would it be wielding a mighty pen? Would it be, oh, what was the one about Sophia? That one was, when there are no words? These are not my people. - I got these are not my people. - Oh my gosh. Okay, well, this is the one that comes up for me because this was the hardest one to write. It's the one that I revise the most. It's the one that I desperately wanted to get well, it's the one that I desperately wanted to get right in all of the sense of that word. And so that's letter five, confrontationally challenged and white. And this is a letter about me as a kid on the playground confronting racism for the first time as a white kid in a predominantly white community and failing miserably. Using what I thought were the skills that I had, which were actually no skills at all. And trying to throw back in the face of the white child who made the racist comment, something that I thought would be equally as damning to try to make my point and failing miserably, not being the white savior in all honesty at that age. Doing a poor job of trying to stick up for my friend of color while also doing a poor job of trying to get the other white girl to understand why she had spoken such hateful words and speech. And then also feeling the weight of my teachers who were disappointed in me for not doing a better job with the skills that I didn't have that nobody taught me. And the reason that this letter stands out though is that talk about a moment in time when courage, confidence are required when you're facing adversity. And yet you can be both of those things courageous and confident and also be wrong. I was confident that what I was saying was perfectly okay because I was standing up against a bully. Right? And it wasn't okay. My response wasn't okay. The behavior that I could have engaged in prior to that moment, prior to getting to that moment could have been different. So for me, this chapter embodies what courageousness and confidence can look like in error, but then also represents how far I've come in the growth of what courageousness and confidence can look like when done with intention, when done with heart, when done with more education and more skill development. We need a lot more bravery and a lot more confidence in the right ways with a lot of the issues that our world is facing right now. So for me, while there's so many good letters in here and so many good life experiences, that one, that one, that one always gets me. - Mm, thank you for that. Last question, complete this sentence. Being confident means being confident means being so comfortable with yourself that you're willing to be that same person with everyone else. - Ooh. - I like that. How did you settle on that? That's a good one. - That just came to me. - So everybody, do you see why people love her? When it comes to these manuscripts and these memoirs? - Yeah, it just dropped in. I think like when I think about how I often describe bravery and I really think bravery is just like a, it's like a tenant of confidence really, you know, when I describe bravery, I describe bravery as basically having the confidence to be exactly who you are in the good and in the bad, in the mistakes and in the successes. And so I feel like if you can figure out how to just be good with you and then that translates to being good with everybody else, I mean, that's like, that's like the epitome of confidence. - Ooh, I agree. 100%, 100%. Allie Barthum, thank you so much for being on the show. - Thanks for having me. Thanks for all these really delicious questions. (laughing) This is why we're friends because you and I both categorize and describe words as being delicious or having the propensity to be delicious. I do that. I love it. And to my listeners, thank you for tuning in. I am Bridget McGowan. I will catch you next time on "Convos on Confidence." - Thank you for listening to today's episode of "Convos on Confidence" for more strategies on how to be more confident in everything you say and do. Pick up a copy of the award-winning book, show up and show out. 52 communication habits to make you even more unforgettable by yours truly, Bridget McGowan. It's available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or wherever you love to purchase your books. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music)
