What Comes Next
35: The Hardest Thing You'll Do
You are listening to The What Comes Next podcast. I'm your life coach and host Sydney Clovey, and this is episode 35. Let's dive in. What's up beautiful people? Welcome back. Happy Wednesday. Another week, another episode, as we are getting ready to go into Labor Day weekend, which is nuts. This whole year has gone so fast. It's wild to me that summer is winding down. I'm hearing from parents that kids are back in school. It's just crazy. It doesn't seem like it should be the end of August right now, but here we are. And coming from Charleston, South Carolina, I'm not, not upset about looking forward to some cooler temperatures. We've got some pretty, pretty significant humidity down here, so I will not be upset for some nice fall days coming up. Let's get into this week's topic, shall we? This is another quote that comes from the courage to be disliked book that I'm reading right now. I've mentioned it in other episodes, but there's a lot of really good one liners and just little nuggets in there. And I ran across this quote while I was reading it the other day and it sparked kind of a chain of thoughts for me that I wanted to share with you. It's based around change and how changing is the hardest thing you're ever going to do in just about any capacity. And I know we've talked about it before, but a lot of times if you have a brain like mine, you need to hear the same concept in anywhere from two to six different ways before it really sets in or you find one that clicks with you. So I just wanted to offer this take on change in this perspective and see if it is helpful for you and it clicks for you because it was really powerful for me as I was reading it. So the quote that kind of sparked the idea dump or brain dump for me was if you stay just like this experience enables you to respond quote unquote properly or predictably two events as they occur. So I thought that was really powerful in a lot of different ways and the analogy that my brain came up with was it's like driving an old car. It may rattle, you may be frustrated with it, the sunroof might not work or the turn signal is left when you click it right. But the point is you know like where to hit the dash to make it stop rattling or you know that you can expect that the brakes have to work two thirds of the time or whatever it may be. You know what to expect. You know what to predict and all of those things considered like maybe once you zip tie your door shot or your window up or whatever it is, you can continue driving the same route. So it's not necessarily convenient but it's familiar. You know how to respond to that experience of driving that car. Okay and I thought that was very applicable to the rest of life as well as far as being willing and able and courageous enough to let yourself be happy be a louder version of yourself. Maybe not even on a volumetric level but just living louder, taking up more space, expressing your opinion, setting boundaries. So it isn't that you lack the confidence to be happy whatever that looks like for you in whatever fashion but it's most likely you lack the courage to change enough to become someone who allows that level of happy. Okay so think about that for a second. It's not that you lack the competence. You know what you need to do on a cerebral level, right? Like you know okay if you want to feel better, go to the gym, drink more water, change how you eat, change who you surround yourself with, take care of yourself, read good books, don't watch trash TV all the time. But you know what to do on a basic level. It's not that you don't know how to do it. It's likely on a deeper level that you're scared to do it because you don't know a the outcome. If you go for something that you really really want and you put your heart and soul and mind and effort and energy into it, there's that scary piece of you that knows it's something you've never done or accomplished before, especially if it's something that you've made efforts at before. I see this a lot in fitness. Okay and I've seen this a lot within myself within my own coaching business, right? Like I'm scared that if it takes off and is amazing and everything I know it can be, I won't know how to deal with it, right? You're like on fitness journeys. You're scared that if you lose the last 20 pounds, 50 pounds, 100 pounds, whatever it is, A, what happens after that? And B, what if you try so hard to do that? You genuinely give it your all and it still doesn't get you the result that you want. That's terrifying for our brains because we take that very personally and we make it mean we're not good enough. Of course you didn't do this like so-and-so can do this like comparing the despair sets in but change is terrifying. Okay in my opinion change is the hardest thing you're ever going to do. To realize that you are the one, you are the common denominator with the bad habits, the tendencies, right? To start going back to the gym after time off or after having a baby or not being as present as you were in the past or know you can be and not being as strong mentally or physically as you used to be. That's just as hard. It feels like starting from ground zero where you're coming back and you know what you're capable of, you know what you've done in the past or you know in your soul what you are capable of doing in creating but getting from A to B is terrifying because we don't know what happens if we do it, if we make it, if we hit the goal and that's all we've thought about and all we've dreamed of and what has we've had our eyes and sights set on, what happens if we make it, what after what what do we do after that and it's just as terrifying to think what if I put everything I have into this and I don't make it, I miss my target, I miss my goal, I still can't do it but I want to challenge you, I want to offer if the latter is what you find that you have more of a tendency towards, I want to offer everything that you will learn in between the A and the B, right? My example with this is PT school because almost all of our exams were A, B, C, D, A and B, A and C, A, B and C, A, C and D but not B, right? There's so many options and there's so many variables and so many factors and interchangeable things that can happen so that's what gives me comfort because I know I'm terrified to fail, I don't want to give something my all and find out that I'm not good enough or the effort that I gave wasn't good enough to hit my goal but here's what I've started doing and telling myself and learning how to feel into is maybe this level, this version of me specifically isn't good enough or savvy enough or whatever it is enough to hit the goal that I want eventually but if I give everything that this version of me has in an effort to become that end goal version of me then I will always be closer to the next stepping stone, right? It's like letting go, being willing to let go of where you're at and who you are in order to just give it your all and try your best and become the next best version. You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to hit the goal the first time but when you fail, when you gave your all, when you're face down in that arena and your launch just failed or you fell back off the wagon and gained weight back or went back on your word and missed a workout or whatever it may be when you're on that arena floor face down then you get to say okay I know what doesn't work and I know what does. I made it this far however many days, however many launches, however many clients, however many pounds, however many dollars, whatever it is for you, you now know how to create that much of whatever your goal is, whatever percentage of that that is, you now know how to do that. And now you have knowledge of what doesn't work, okay? So the goal here is to really rein in that nagging voice in your head that's going to be so loud and feel so real and so true and tell you all of the things that you are actually scared of, okay? That voice is like a perfect little goldmine into all of your insecurities, okay? Everything you think someone else is saying or they will say is really a reflection of how you feel and what you're scared of. So take note of that, write that down, ask yourself the question, what am I afraid other people will say? If I fail, what are people going to think about me? That's a phenomenal way to get past your own, oh, I'm not afraid, I can fail, it'll be fine, I know it's part of it, ask yourself what you think other people will think of you, think of your business, if you get out of your own brain and into other people's, it's a great little mirror into your own subconscious and securities and scaries, okay? But once you're there, I want you to really find appreciation for whatever amount of growth and change that you've had, because if you fail that means you've tried something you haven't done before, you're automatically a different version of yourself, you're someone who tried Facebook ads, you're someone who tried Planet Fitness four days a week, you're someone who tried a new meal plan or a new saving plan or a new budget or a new boundary with your partner, you're someone who tried, okay? And that automatically takes you out of the rat race and the buffering of who you used to be. Referring back to the quote at the beginning, if you stay like this, experience enables you to respond properly or predictably to events as they occur. Our brains are absolutely fascinating and incredible and so multifaceted and smart. They're very smart and they're very efficient. So even if you are miserable, but you know how to respond, you know how to be miserable in your situation, your brain will come up with reasons and buffers and excuses for you to stay there because you know how to experience miserable in that situation. You know how to predictably respond to miserable situations as they occur. It's so much scarier to step out and do something that you have no idea what will happen, what comes next, right? Because then your brain can't predict, it can't project, it can't rely on old experiences because if you do something new, you have nothing to validate or refute whatever it is you're doing. So your default setting at that point will always be, no this is hard, maybe this might better in my head, maybe you know, maybe it wasn't so bad at my other job, maybe miserable, I wasn't miserable, so I'm upset, right? You're going to start backtracking because your brain only has your old experiences to go off of, okay? So I thought that was helpful and just kind of a little brain dump on just understanding and kind of piggybacking off of last week's episode that change is going to be really hard. It's going to be scary, it's not going to feel natural, your brain will come up with every logical reason and excuse for you to stay where you're at. So in order to change, truly change and be willing to go through all of the shit that comes with it, you have to be so in on not only that outcome, like finding a goal that truly means enough to you to be willing to become a new version of yourself, but I also want you to spend time on what the journey is going to look like. Who do you get to become along the way? How proud are you going to be when you hit the gym five days in a row for the first time and over a year? How proud are you going to be when you walk out of your job and say thank you so much for everything you've given me. It's my time to move on. How proud are you going to be of yourself when you have that first really healthy boundary conversation with your partner being like, hey, this really means a lot to me and I would appreciate it if you hear me out. How proud are you going to be when you start to emotionally and mentally regulate your own experience of the world? That is a baby step-a-day process and no one else is going to see it. No one else is going to see it for a long time. So you need to be the one that sticks up for you and says, I'm going to do this. I'm going to try my damnedest and I'm going to fail a lot, but I'm going to learn a lot and I'm willing to do that because whatever my end goal is means that much to me. I hope that's helpful. I hope that's a little bit different way to think about it. I thought the car example was good. That's what came up first. If you know where to beat on the dash and how to tighten the zip tie or the rip cord, whatever it is, if you know how to keep a car together, sometimes that's better than not having a car payment. But if you go from that car to a BMW with one of the dial things to change the gear, you don't want to turn it on, you don't want to open the door, you're uncomfortable, you're like, this is a multi-thousand-dollar car. I miss my old little little beater, but if you're trying to become someone who is comfortable and confident in those new situations and drives a car, this is material, but you get the gist. Drives a car that matches her energy and the car makes her feel amazing and works hard for it, all of that, then girl go get that BMW, you know? Okay, that's all I got. That's it for today, my friends. Happy Wednesday, have a good Labor Day, be safe, make good choices, and I will talk to you next week. Bye. [Music]