(upbeat music) - Faster, safe balance, it's gonna be a book. - You're wrong. (upbeat music) - Chrissy is hilarious. (upbeat music) Chrissy, have you ever heard of your comedian at cross shot KRE? How are you? (upbeat music) - No, that sounds like something you yell at before you blow up a plane. (laughing) (upbeat music) - 30 seconds remaining. - Wait, what could you say? I doubt it is. (upbeat music) - I have to do this with respect for you all. (upbeat music) - I was scared to be confused by the title, everything everywhere all I want. That's also what we call an ass kick off his shirt. (laughing) (upbeat music) - I shouldn't be up here. I should be in school with the other side of the ocean. (upbeat music) - What's up, boys and girls? Welcome to another episode of the Chrissy Mayer podcast. I am your host, Chrissy Mayer. You can listen to this show. Gosh, we're everywhere. YouTube, iTunes, Spotify, SoundCloud, Rumble, Rockfin, Twitter, Twitch, Facebook, even, for the two of you that are watching on Facebook. Welcome, welcome. I'm really excited about our guest today. Before I bring her on, I have a comedy show to promote. This is very exciting. In three weeks, guys, you can come see me on stage. This is very exciting. Tickets are now available. Come see me Saturday, October 5th in Mount Kisco. On Kisco Comedy Night, you can get tickets on Eventbrite or on my website here, Chrissy Mayer.com. It's M-A-Y-R. Seven o'clock show. Come see myself. Gino Bisconti will be on. He's a really funny friend of mine, as will Fred Rabino, who's another very funny friend of mine. He goes back and forth between Florida and New York, and he's just gonna be, it's great. The three of us, it's gonna be a winning combo. Come see us in Westchester, New York, Saturday, October 5th, Mount Kisco, at 11 Carpenter Avenue in Mount Kisco. This is right around the corner from my gym. Maybe I'll get some of my gym people to come. And as always, like and subscribe on this channel. Please, I don't know what you're waiting for. If you're just here listening without a like and a subscribe, I'm a little offended. Okay, without further ado, I'm so excited to have this gal on. As you guys know, I talk to a ton of, I have talked to a ton of gals and guys in the adult industry. And I focused a lot of those interviews on my show that I had on compound media, the wet spot. So it's, this is a very interesting journey. I'm really excited that she's here. She's actually somebody who kind of converted to Catholicism. I'm just so excited to hear from her how she turned away from a life in the adult industry. Welcome to the show, Bree Solstad. - Hi, thank you so much for having me. - I am so excited that you're here. I've been reading a bunch of interviews about you. And I know, and I'm trying not to ask you the same questions that everybody else has asked you, but at the same time, like this is a new audience. And yes, everybody in this is live. So you guys can ask Bree your questions as well. But just give me a sense of, I know that you are, you're from Alaska originally. And if single mom and I know people go, like all the hallmarks, like you must have gotten into the industry because of daddy issues and I don't know. And so how much do you think those stereotypes really have to do with someone's propensity to be drawn into the adult industry? - It's hard to say really. And before I answer that, I do wanna thank you, especially for having me. I don't think that I'm your normal viewpoint on the adult industry. So I appreciate you opening up and having me as a guest. So I think that a lot of like falling into the adult industry is probably just you're at, you know, this particular time in your life. And it just so happened that it just fell into your lap and the wheels all clicked into place. But at the same time, I have to wonder if I were exposed to a quote unquote normal relationship between a man and a woman, my parents, if I would have had different values, if I would have considered men differently, if I would have had more thought of myself and like as a beautiful specimen only to be cherished by my husband or something like that. I don't know, it's hard to say. I think that for myself, yeah, I don't even wanna put out a percentage there of like how much that really impacted me. On one hand, like I do kind of struggle talking about like, you know, how I was raised because on one hand, like my mother did the best she could, you know, she made a lot of incredible sacrifices for me. And I almost feel like I'm like, you know, throwing her under the bus by saying otherwise. But at the same time, you know, on the other hand, like I said, if I had had that kind of relationship as a model, then maybe I would have thought differently about joining the adult industry. - Yeah, I think about that a lot. My parents didn't have a great marriage and it took me all of my twenties to kind of realize that, you know, me and my husband are not my parents and we are not gonna have the same fights and it's not gonna be the same dynamic in that, you know, it's not every marriage is Alan Peggy Bundy from Married with Children because that's what I think. That's what I watched like basically every day as a kid. I was like, oh, it's just like resentment and central. - Right. - So, yeah, it's like, it's hard being an adult. You have to kind of, our parents are all, you have to remember that. Like I had an angry face with my parents too and you realize like they're just doing the best with what they have at the time. And a lot of times we have to sort of finish raising ourselves. - And I think a lot is like we take on the chips of the shoulders of our parents. So my mother being a single parent, you know, her and then her parents being of a certain age, a certain generation, they weren't too happy about her being a single parent. And so therefore she raised me kind of to think that I was, you know, I could be an independent woman and I didn't need a man for anything. And those are good values, but at the same time, like it's not just human behavior, it's animal behavior to like be born with the defenses that are put in place by your parents, you know, like water fleas will be born with horns on them if their parents detect some sort of threat in the water. And so I like to kind of think, yeah. And then every subsequent generation after that will be born with horns until the threat has been removed and then they'll go back to being normal water fleas. - That is so fascinating. I feel like there must be something similar for like feminist women, you know, like the horns are just there sometimes. I got my horns in college for sure, yeah. Wow, yeah, and we're all adapting to our surroundings. We're all a product of our parents in our surroundings. So tell me about how you, I guess sort of got into the industry. - Well, for you. - Yeah, I was, let's see, in my 20s and I was no longer in college. I was, but I didn't have any kind of like meaningful career or really anything meaningful in my life. - Where'd you go to school for? Like, what did you go to college thinking you would be? - Environmental science. So yeah, I haven't used much of that other than the water flea font. - Yeah, but see, knowing that. - And I didn't actually get that from college. I heard that on a podcast. But yeah, I think in my 20s, my main focus was just drinking, partying and like taking it to the next level, you know, like not just drinking and partying, but like blackout drunk, being very promiscuous, reckless, kind of dangerous behavior. You know, looking back on it, it's kind of scary, but at the time it was like, yeah, this is what every 20 year old does, you know? You have those. - And then it goes hand in hand. Like you can't really make those reckless decisions unless you're inebriated. You know, if you, we all spend college sober. - Right, exactly. - It would have been a lot different, so. - And so at that time, yeah, just drinking a lot, already being promiscuous. Oh, I also started a blog about my promiscuous behavior and yeah, not having meaning, like anything meaningful going from dead end to job to dead end job. And the blog that I was writing attracted the attention of a pretty prominent sex worker who filmed pornography, but the type of pornography she did was just, you know, POV, so point of view. She hardly ever interacted with anybody. And it was a focus essentially on female domination. So females dominating males. And it's a mental domination. You know, when you're not in the same space as anybody else, then it becomes primarily like a psychological domination. And there's a lot of humiliation and degradation, all those shuns. And I think that's kind of important to note that like, the reason I think part of the reason at least, that I jumped at this chance is because she didn't recruit me saying, hey, do you wanna have sex with men on camera? It was more, do you wanna humiliate men and potentially make a lot of money? And I was like, well, that sounds kind of weird, but yeah, sure, I'll give it a try. - I like the money part. - Yeah, right, yeah. I like the money part. I like working from home, being my own boss, making my own content, being in charge of my own content. And then, yeah, it turned out that I was really good at it. That's one of the things that she said when she first contacted me was like, based on my blog, I had like a real bratty kind of appeal. I was super narcissistic, egotistical. And I was like, yeah, check, check, check. All those things, and I quickly became really good at what I did and really popular. And a lot of people asked, if the money hadn't been good, would you have continued? No, no way. But for those potential like porn industry workers in the future who are listening, it didn't come easy either. It was a constant hustle. And you have to feel okay about insulting people on a regular basis. And you have to feel like you are the best, you are a goddess, you are above everybody else. And particularly in the industry that I was in, the niche of the industry I was in, you have to be really not only okay with, but really good at being insulting and mean. I remember one of the first CAM sessions I did, the guy interrupted me and he was like, you're really fun, but do you think you could be a little meaner? And like I was totally mortified by that. I was like, oh, goodness, he's paying me and I'm totally failing at this job. And so I did some more research. And I applied like a lot of psychological techniques that I learned throughout my research. And then eventually I started realizing that it wasn't just my job. It was like, you know, I felt superior to people on a regular basis. And I know that's because like a lot of girls will say, you know, this is just a job for me. And I make the money. And then, you know, I become my normal self afterwards. I don't, they don't like actually admit this sort of thing, but people have alluded to this kind of lifestyle. And I think that's really difficult to do when you work from home, you're surrounded by your studio. It's not like you, you know, punch a time card and then leave, you are constantly thinking of new things that you can do, constantly uploading and tweeting and posting. And so these things are in your subconscious and they slowly start to seep into, at least for me, I should say, it did. It slowly started to seep into who I was. And my value of money was just like, I totally skewed my value of myself, of my appearance of men also. I still feel the effects of that. Like a lot of times when I'm in a place where I need to listen to an authority like at the doctor or I tried having a man, personal trainer once. And that just, like I just didn't have any respect for what he was saying. And I realized, I think maybe part of that is my upbringing, but also I think a lot of what I did for my job, it wasn't just my job, it started to seep into who I was and really started to shape who I became. - And it seems like your foundation set you up for that because if you were raised to be, you know, you're what, late teens, early 20s, after college, you figure like, hey, I was raised by a single mom, like she got me here all by myself, like I'm fine. I didn't need a man, I didn't need a dad. So kind of like, what good are men generally? And like you said before, like we kind of, we take on the, like the horns, right? That was, those were the horns you got from your mom's, like, do we really need men? Who knows? It's kind of like this boomer, like kind of like post-boomer mentality, like, I don't know, a couple of the earlier waves of feminism kind of all crashing together. And you're like, I guess I don't, and the allure of that is, all that money is so, so powerful. And I think, and I was mentioning this to you before we went live and I wonder if sex work is so tempting to women because, and I don't wanna say women are not equipped to work a nine to five job. That's obviously a sweeping generalization. But as someone who did work, I worked in the city for like 15 years, I've had like 16 day jobs and they all gave me incredible stress. And once I started really working for myself, it was, I was happier. You know, of course, I could manage my time a little better and like, yep, sometimes I'm unproductive. But, and then I put that, you know, with being, becoming a mom, I just feel like a huge weight was lifted off me, the moment I stopped working for other people and I don't, I don't know if that's a woman thing or just people with ADD, but the fact that you can make a ton of money quickly at home kind of just being yourself in a way and using all of your strengths, like women are very good. Like we're perceptive, we are, you know, emotionally attuned to people. We can, we're kind of born people pleasers. And anytime you have a strength, like there's a positive side to that and negative side to that. And we can always use our strengths for good or for evil, right? And if you're very perceptive and you can pick up on people's cues and almost like, you know, give somebody what they want before they have to even ask for it, which is a positive thing that can be used negatively, like, oh, I have a feeling that this man has these issues going on at home and if I manipulate him this way, I can give him what he wants without having to ask for it. I can, you can basically read somebody's mind just by just by picking up on what somebody's giving you and that can all be used to excel in the adult industry. - Yeah, I talk a lot about how, you know, today's pornography is no longer your grandmother's porn. It's not just a DVD that you put in and you watch, you know, two or more people engaging in sex and that's it, they're just on your television. Now today, especially with sites like OnlyFans, it's interactive and it's designed to be hypnotic. It's designed to be addictive. I mean, I know personally, those are things that I really, you know, looked out for and strived towards is to get my clients seriously hooked. And it was a lot of, and you know, I had cam sessions with them on a regular basis and these are like hour long sessions where, you know, it wasn't always sex talk or, you know, some kind of or anything having to do with sex. Like a lot of times we just talk about, you know, our lives and well, primarily they would talk about their lives. I would listen. I would, you know, file away those certain nuggets of like things that I could use later. - You didn't make notes probably. I'm sure you made notes about everybody. - I did. Yeah, I had certain files on people, just things that I would want to remember or like catch up on or if I had like a lot of different clients at one time, I'd want to make sure, you know, kind of like a, like a doctor's officer, a psychiatrist. - You're like a therapist really. - Yeah. (laughing) - Yeah, where I wanted to make sure that like once, when I was doing a session with them, like I wouldn't get them confused with somebody else. And you know, it's all about making him feel particularly like special is not the right word, but like known scene, I guess. - Mean, yeah. Or you're able to give him that particular thing that like their wife or girlfriend can't or won't or maybe they haven't even opened up to wife or girlfriend about these particular desires or maybe it's men who've been burned by women and, you know, interacting with somebody on a campsite is like, okay, this is a nice band aid. I'm not really opening myself up to be vulnerable to get my heart broken again. I can just kind of get my needs met without, you know, risking heartbreak. - A lot of times also, like within my particular niche, it would be someone who had a very trying, demanding job, like an ER doctor. I had one client or a CEO, you know, where every day was super stressful and making decisions that are incredibly difficult. And then, you know, on the flip side of that, they would come home and they'd have a session with me where they didn't have to make any decisions whatsoever. I would tell them what to do. I would tell them, you know, the things that they didn't hear throughout the day, like kind of degrading things. Like nobody else in their life would talk to them like this or even like a, they were, you know, thought of as like quite revered or, you know, someone to be respected. And when they would get the disrespect from me, that was a huge turn on for them. - That's really psychological. - Yeah, yeah, because if you're, if you're the boss and you have, especially if you're good at what you do or you've been in power a while, everyone around you could be a yes person and people could be, you know, if kind of afraid of them in the workplace and then here you are. And that's so strange. I always think it's interesting again to like the psychological aspects of kinks. Like what, what is it about? Is it just you're hearing the opposite of what you hear all day? Or is there something more to it that would make a guy like a powerful man in real life attracted to being humiliated, you know, behind closed doors? I don't, I've never understood that fully. - I think it could be either one. It could be something like, we were discussing someone in a powerful position now as being degraded. And so that is attractive. And then a lot of times it's something that happens during puberty. So one thing I used to do also is make custom videos. And a lot of them were really bizarre and in all actuality, I really liked the bizarre ones because it made me think of like, you know, okay, how can I get into this character of like who it was that flipped that switch for them? So in puberty, maybe like you are like constantly in the background is like a certain Disney movie or something like that. And so you and you have your first erection during this Disney movie, like for some reason or another. Now your brain associates the good feelings of an erection of arousal with this Disney princess, you know? And so then sometimes I guess like if that continues to happen over and over, there's where your fetish is born. - Or like the plant from Wally or something or cars or what is the other thing? - We tell of Wally frozen, like every time I see an icicle, I just get excited. That is funny. You forget what a kids are obviously sponges but you forget like puberty. Yeah, that is a very sponge like time in your life and what is that I guess? But between what 10 and 14 or? - It should be. - Yeah. - Geez. - Now Dave, yeah. - So yeah, it's literally like neurons are being formed like links, like you're kind of setting your adult sexual psychology up for the rest of your life in a sense. I mean, I'm sure you could deprogram yourself a bit later on but it's such a formidable time. Wow, that's not. And of course, probably most people are not, they're maybe not aware of that. They maybe don't know. And so you, part of your job is to kind of like tap into that and figure out like what makes this person tick and why and? - And I guess one of the reasons why I regret what I did was because I not only tapped into those things but I nurtured them. And you mentioned like possibly there could be some sort of deprogramming. Me, I was the exact opposite of that. I just, you know, hammered in those fetishes and that attraction. But I think deprogramming it is getting out into the real world, you know? And I imagine I can only just assume that it's got to be a lot easier just to, you know, hang out at home and turn on the computer. - Yeah. - Instead of trying to find someone who, you know, in your mind probably will never live up to this king for this fantasy. And that's probably one of the most damaging things that a man could do to himself. - But it's, yeah, it's gonna be unbalanced. It's just like, yeah, you could love ice cream but if you're just eating ice cream like you're, you're not gonna be a healthy person. And if you're just beating into your, if you're just like, oh, I'm aware of my sexual desires and I'm just gonna meet them no matter what. I'm gonna like, I'm calling out of work. This is what I'm gonna do. It's, yeah, I'm not explaining this well but like just because I feel like I've changed so much over the last like 10 years. Like just because you know what they are and you could like just stay home and, you know, just whatever, get yourself, do whatever. All day, that's what you're gonna do all day is just have a field day. That doesn't mean like, not only is it kind of unproductive, of course, like you're gonna lead an unbalanced. I'm just thinking how I would give advice to like a younger person, you know? It's like, okay, so you know what your, your kinks are. So what, you like to have sex? It's kind of like, I'm at this place now. I'm like, okay, big deal. You got, you got other stuff to do with your day. Like just because something feels good and you know what you like does not mean you should spend all day or hours and hours doing it. It's like, it really is just, it becomes too much. And then you get to a point where if you're just focusing on like the sex part of your life, either with a partner or, you know, someone on a campsite or something, you're leaving so many other aspects of your life kind of ignored. And so if you are looking for a partner, you're spending, the peak hours of your day, your interest, right, in your money, resources, you're spending it on someone who's not gonna be that partner for you. So you're kind of like investing into something that's ultimately not never gonna pay off for you because they were never, you know, they're not gonna get you to be their girlfriend or wife. You know, you're just a fantasy or whoever they're talking to. And then it's like if you, yeah, if you eat ice cream every day or you indulge in ice cream all day long, not only is that gonna make you completely unhealthy, but after a while, it's not gonna be enough for you. And so then, and it's not even enjoyable to eat the ice cream anymore. It's just you are so obsessed with the fact that you have to eat ice cream. Now it's become an addiction. And so not only, and this is incredibly easy to happen with, well, I think that a lot of us don't admit that we can become addicted to anything at the drop of a hat as long as those neurons are firing and something is telling us that it feels good or it is good. And don't get me wrong, I love ice cream and I totally understand how things like masturbation and sexual fetishes, those things feel like they're rewarding. How do you get into some sort of addiction? It's not like you sign up to be, okay, yes, please pick me. I'd love to be addicted to alcohol. No, it's because something in your brain tells you that it feels good and for the most part, addictions are trying to get out of right here, right now. So anything that will do that. And pornography is great for that because it's usually involves some sort of fantasy. I mean, if not always, involves some sort of fantasy 'cause like you mentioned, you're never gonna be with that woman, with that man. So it is a fantasy and it feels good and it's something that you can control for even five minutes out of the day or maybe the whole day, you're in control of what you see and what you do, whereas the outside world, that can be a little disconcerting and out of control sometimes. But if you're, but then back to my point where it becomes an addiction and then ice cream is no longer enough. You have to get like ice cream with hot fudge on it and then you do that every single day. And so if you do it every day, it's no longer a treat. And if you do it all the time, it becomes an addiction because you're not even rewarding yourself with the ice cream anymore, it's just you need it. And that's a slippery slope, I think. - And if you have to have ice cream in the shower and you're like, this isn't even good. It's melting faster this way. - Yeah, but it's just not enough, vanilla is not enough anymore. Okay, wow, that's so interesting. And not everyone I guess is set up to have like it. Well, that's the thing, you don't really know if you are predisposed to addiction until you're going through it, right? So it's just, I'm trying to think like, yeah, I guess being a mom has like really changed my brain 'cause I think about like how I would give advice to like a younger person. 'Cause right, when you're in your, I guess teens and twenties, it's like, it's the most exciting thing. You're like, wow, I figured out how to do this. It feels good. Why would I not do this? Why would I do anything other than this? And then you add in, especially for girls, like, wow, I can make money. I don't have to like, you don't have to go on lame job interviews, you don't have to put on a suit and heels and go into the city and like, you know, well, maybe I can help. Maybe I can help. I think a couple of things to focus on are, well, how it makes you internally, not just, you know, psychologically. Now your view of the opposite sex is totally skewed. You're also limiting yourself to a relationship in your twenties. Yeah, maybe that's not gonna be that big of a deal. Maybe later in life that will speak to you more. But also you're effecting yourself actually physically. Your brain chemicals start to change during addiction. And during, you know, during pleasure, even if, you know, you eat a piece of chocolate, your serotonin levels go up. It's the same with masturbation. It's the same with pornography. So you're actually changing your brain chemistry to open yourself up to addiction. Now maybe that's not enough. So another thing I'd like for people to really consider is, you know, the sex trade industry. You as a consumer of pornography, you as a producer of pornography, you are, you know, you are increasing sex trade. You are in a way, in a small way, maybe in a larger way, you are contributing to young children, you know, getting ripped from their homes and forced to be sex slaves for the rest of their lives. Imagine if one of the videos that you made that you thought was completely harmless, you made it, you know, here at your home, you posted it onto some sort of site, you know, take your pick. And imagine that video is being shown to like seven and eight year old girls on how to be pretty and attract men. Like that's their like introduction video to this life. It's something that you made. Like how gross is that? - I never even thought of that. That content is something that's shown to children like as a way to groom them into also, that's insane. I mean, that makes so much sense. That's so heartbreaking. - And then there's the whole God aspect. When we sin, we create a rip between us and Jesus and maybe that doesn't mean that much for most people, but I'm lucky enough to say that it means a lot to me. And for some people, I think having God in their lives is tricky and maybe even kind of painful. But for me, that's been, I mean, that is the reason why I quit porn is because of my relationship with God and I realized that I couldn't have it both ways. I couldn't go to mass every Sunday and sit there and be a producer of porn at the same time. - Were you raised Catholic? - No, I was raised Lutheran. And I think that's a significant difference because most Protestants think that, you know, it was actually Martin Luther who said from the pulpit, I can go out and commit adultery 100 times a day and God will wash me clean of my sins as long as I, you know, there's the typical phrases, as long as I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior in my heart. And that's just, that's what I did all throughout my life is I had God in a way. I didn't have the close relationship that I have now, but I did have God in my life. But it never really, like one never had anything to do with the other, God and my career in porn. I kept them very separate, compartmentalized. And mainly because I believed that, yeah, my sins have nothing to do with God or myself, you know? I never really thought that if I stopped doing things that were detrimental to myself or to others, that I, that would make me happier. I thought that, you know, being the way that I was and making a lot of money and having a position of quote unquote power over men, I thought that's what was gonna make me happy. And it wasn't, you know, I've been asked like, well, what is it that you gave up when you stopped doing porn and turned Catholic? And the answer really is nothing. All I did is gain acceptance, mercy, forgiveness, love, not just from God, but from myself as well. - Wow. And so this woman that I guess sort of, would you say she recruited you or she just said, like you would be great at this. What did she get out of it? Did she, you know, did you pay her like a percentage or like, you know, what did this woman get out of sort of recruiting you? - No, I think what she mainly gained from it was like a doting admirer, you know, for a little while because I thought that she was so incredible. She lived in this magnificent, huge house. She had all these amazing clothes, went on lots of vacations and she didn't pay for anything. You know, she had other people pay for them. And, and I thought that was just so incredible. And I just wanted to be, you know, in that same particular place. And, and I think, you know, being a part of the sex industry or maybe even having friends that are in the sex industry, you quickly realize, you quickly learn that most of these women are not very, like they're kind of psychologically skewed in a way that there's not, you know, that there's something kind of a little bit off with all of them. And myself included, you know, daddy issues right here. And also like the whole, you know, Megalomania. But, so I, it took me a little while but I learned that primarily what she got out of it was somebody who, you know, hung on her every word for a little while. And, until I started making more money than she did, and then she kind of threw a fit and like unfriended me. And, you know, typical of this type of friendship. And I think it's really difficult for two women, at least within my need to be friends. And I did have and still have two really dear friends who are in the industry. But that's kind of like a unicorn, you know, and it's nobody's fault really. If you think of it psychologically, again, it makes perfect sense. We're all complete narcissists. So how are we going to be friends? - Yeah, wow. And so how many years are you going along doing this? I think you said about 10 years. - Yep. And then so what changed? - Primarily what happened to me is what I would describe as the greatest tragedy of my life. And something happened where if you knew me, you would understand that it's something that it's been three years of therapy and I'm still, I'm never going to be completely over it. It was something that hurt me tremendously and also brought on a huge amount of guilt and shame and just complete depression. When it happened, I considered that the only way I could really go on would be to kill myself, which doesn't really make sense linguistically. And I started therapy soon after but just didn't want to have anything to do with anybody. And I especially didn't want to have anything to do with God. Like I said, I had God in my life kind of but I wasn't really going to church or anything like that but I was raised going, you know, having gone to church. And the night that this happened to me, I remember thinking that he could have prevented it. God could have prevented it. And I begged him, I got down on my knees and I squeezed my knuckles so hard that I could still remember how white they were and I thought to myself, I prayed, please don't let this happen, please, please, you know, take it back and he didn't, he let it happen and I was outraged and so mad at God. I think mainly because I just, I didn't have anybody else to be mad at. It was a freak accident and the only other person that I could really blame would be myself. So I turned away from God completely, thinking that he had turned away from me and then just became like a complete, like empty shell of a person. And I went on like this for, you know, a few years. I was in therapy but at the same time, you know, I just thought to myself, well, this is it. This is as good as it's going to get. This is how it's going to be from now on. And then I had an opportunity last year to go to Italy and so I thought, yeah, definitely that'd be great. I'd love to go to Italy. And so doing some research, I realized that, you know, well, it was confirmed that the greatest artwork and all Western civilization is found, you know, primarily in Rome and within Rome, it's found almost exclusively in churches and basilicas. And I still, I had tried to go to church, a friend of mine wanted to take me to Christmas Eve service like prior to Italy and I spent the whole time just hysterically crying, I think, just because I was still so mad at God and even being in the house of God, being nearer to him, like it just, it was too much for me. And I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom like a couple of times and, but it was weird because I never had that sort of feelings or the sort of intimidation with my trip to Italy. And I think mainly because the artwork there's, I mean, it's their masterpieces and so I didn't really think of it as much like the house of God as much as like a museum or like an art show. But then something started to kind of change and I started appreciating the art, not just for its beauty, but also for the theology and the meaning behind it. And then I started to acknowledge, you know, Jesus on the cross, his greatest gift to us are, you know, he forgave our sins by dying on that cross and opposed to a Protestant church where there's normally just a cross, like every Catholic church has a crucifix smack dab right in the middle for you to see as soon as you walk in so there's really no avoiding it. I started to acknowledge him on the cross and, but it was still too hard for me. Then I started to see Mary, our beloved mother, and she's everywhere in, well, in Rome, but, you know, also in the Catholic church. And this was something completely new for me. We don't really have much of a relationship with Mary as, you know, Lucerins. And I started to see her notice her and it wasn't like Jesus where she was right there on display. It was more like she was always kind of off in a corner or like hidden in an alcove. So I started, it was kind of like a game, almost like where's, you know? - Where's Mary? - So yeah, we look at the, we acknowledged the crucifix, we look at the artwork, now where's Mary? And I would go and I'd see her out and I started talking to her and I cried a lot in the beginning, but I started talking to her because even though I was still so mad at God, I felt like I could talk to her because she was human and she went through the greatest tragedy ever known within, you know, humanity. And she went through it with grace and with dignity and beauty and resolve. And I thought, well, if she could do that, maybe I could also kind of, you know, maybe there was still hope for my life. Maybe I didn't have to live it the way that I was as this complete hollow shell. And from there, just these feelings started to increase and we had the opportunity to go and visit Assisi, which is a town in Italy famous primarily for two saints who, one of them is really into animals, St. Francis. And I'm also really into animals. I was like, yeah, sure, let's go visit him. Then there's also St. Clair who lives in Italy, or who lives in Assisi, excuse me. And I didn't know much about her, but I knew that she was one of the interrupted saints, which means that her body is completely still intact. Yeah, it's pretty incredible. And so I went and I went and had the opportunity to kneel in front of her tomb. Now I'd had this opportunity to other saints within Italy, but just kind of, I was like, no, that's fine. I don't really want to. But for some reason, I really wanted to go and kneel before her. And when I did, I closed my eyes and I don't claim to be some sort of mystic or some sort of religious. But I saw her. I closed my eyes and she appeared before me. She was seated with her legs crossed and her arms open and her face was completely obscured and light and she said to me, you don't have to do this all on your own. You can put her here, meaning my tragedy. See how soft my forearms are and see how soft my lap is. You can put her here and I'll take care of her. And I got up after that and I went back up the stairs. We went to meet with our tour guide and I didn't really think much of it. I was like, no, that was probably just like a figment of my imagination. But then the more I thought about it, the more I considered like, well, if it were just a figment of my imagination, why is she dressed like a bridesmaid? Like, why wouldn't she be dressed in, you know, the clothes that I knew that she wore at the time? Why would she say that weird thing about her forearms? It's kind of obscure. And then I started reading more about her and it's throughout history. She's actually done this with several people. And there's an account from a nun, I believe in the 1600s where she wrote how the same sort of thing, how St. Clair gestured to her lap and talked about how soft her arms were. And when I read that, it totally blew me away. - Wow. How quickly did this happen? It just seems like, you know, you're not like drunk or high or anything. You just, you know, walk into this church, right? Or no, you were in a church right now, I mean, you do. And like, you have this, right, you're Lutheran and I was raised Methodist. So they don't focus on the saints at all. And it's like, they're really against the imagery, like Protestant churches are usually pretty plain, you know, just kind of like white and not about all the stained glass. Like, there's some, and they're not into idols as much and statues and all that. It's just very pared down. So how did you begin to like learn about all the saints and how did you, and how did you just sort of felt compelled to go up to, what was it, Clair? - The St. Clair, yeah. So I didn't really know much about the saints. It was just those two. And the only reason I learned about them was when it was in preparation for going there. Although I'd heard of St. Francis, like a lot of people, I kind of call him like the Gateway St. A lot of people, even non-Catholics, have like a statue of him in their garden or something like that. He's really famous for preaching to the birds. So they'll have like a statue with like a little bird dish to put bird seed in or something like that. It's pretty common. But yeah, then when I got back, I started kind of thinking, well, when I got back really, I wanted to rekindle those feelings that I had, the feelings of walking into a beautiful old church, smelling incense and being moved and talking to Mary and being able to at least acknowledge the crucifix. Prior to that, I kind of jokingly say that there was a time period where I wanted to pull a Dracula. Do you remember Bram Stover's Dracula when he comes? And like his wife killed herself and he comes back and he like pierces the cross and like, that's how he becomes a vampire. And like I had visions of myself doing that and pulling a Dracula and that was all gone. Like I was starting to be able to talk to God again and I was actively reaching out to talk to Mary. And so I decided to go to mass. I was like, why not? That might be kind of fun. There's this church that's not that far away. They have the incense, they have the stained glass, the beautiful statue of Mary. And so I went there just mainly again to rekindle these feelings that I had. And that's when I started listening and kind of thinking, all right, well, if you really want to continue this journey, I think probably the next step is gonna be to become Catholic. And number one, what is your mother gonna say? Number two, that means that you can't do porn anymore. You can't have it both ways. And I was kind of teetering, like I had already felt, especially coming back from Italy, I already felt kind of yucky and just kind of disgusted with myself regarding my work and how you think that it's female empowerment, but really the client is the one who's demanding what you do. Like, if it were up to me, I wouldn't degrade these men. Or, so really it's not empowering. You have no control over it. They just pay you for, you're like a monkey. Dance, monkey, and this. And I just, I didn't feel good about that anymore. I felt gross about it. I didn't like what I was doing to these men, even though they were paying for it, what I'm asking for it. I still didn't like my part in it. And so I was ready, I think, to give that up. I was concerned about the money a little bit, but then I thought, well, just hopefully things will work out. And I wasn't quite ready to jump in with both feet though until I heard it from an authoritative source. So I met with, I made an appointment and met with a priest. And he, I met with him in order to kind of, like, all right, I'm thinking about becoming Catholic, like what do you think? But none of that really came up. Like my job never came up, anything. The first thing he asked me is, well, how is your faith? And I told him, I started to tell him about how I was raised and then the tragedy. And at that point, I'm crying hysterically and there's just like a word vomit all over his desk talking about, you know, the abortion that I had, the alcohol addiction, like everything. And then at one point, I stop and he says to me, well, he said just a lot of incredible, influential things, but two things he said to me that I'll never forget and they're so simple, but I need to hear them from him. He said, God loves you and he doesn't want you to be unhappy. And that blew me away. It wasn't that I had forgotten that God's love is omnipotent, but it was just kind of like, I'd forgotten that I was worthy of God's love. And the way that he said that God didn't want me to be unhappy, I know that it meant so much more than if he had said, you know, God wants to be happy. And it's the same thing, but at the same time, it was like, God doesn't like that I'm unhappy. And that's when everything changed, really. And that's when I enrolled in, let's call it RCIA, I was referred to it as Catholic school. And then that's when I started reading more about St. Clair specifically. And I also considered, all right, you know, I think she recruited me. She came to me at a time when I had wanted to have nothing to do with God. And she said, you know, give me your burden, I will take it for you and give it up to God. And just learning about all the things that made up Catholicism, I really fell in love. And I learned that a lot of what, you know, I had been taught as a Lutheran was just nonsense and kind of romanticized. And a lot of the things that, you know, were my, like, my Protestant kind of way of thinking, just really wasn't, really wasn't accurate. And a lot of things I learned blew me away. And I always wanted, you know, more than one source. I like to say, you know, trust, but verify. It was Reagan who first said that, which is a weird person to quote from, but that was a good quote. - That's amazing, especially like that you were, this journey is so amazing because you weren't raised Catholic and you were, I guess, you know, technically living in sin, right? You're doing, you're doing all the, all the things that are keeping you further from Jesus, right? And it's amazing that you were able to get closer with God and the saints in this way because I think for a lot of people, God can feel so remote. And it's almost like this feeling of like, how do I know that God is in my life? Like, how do I know, you know, like for me, it's like this gentle presence that's always there. And that I would, oh, that I would like to spend more time like deepening my relationship with and like paying attention to, but for people that are like, how do I even know? Like, he cares about me. He's even, you know, like that moment that the priest was like, he doesn't want you to be unhappy. I think for a lot of people, God just feels so far away. And we get caught up in all of our drama and our devices, right? Like, everything's like, well, I have this screen and, you know, I only believe in the things I can see and hear a lot of people who are not connected with God say that a lot. Like, I don't trust something unless I can like see it or feel it or what if I guess, right, right, that's true. I was, I guess I was going to say, like, what's your, how do we help people who feel like God is so remote or far away in their own lives? Or does it have to just, is it just up to people, you know, having their own experience? And they have to, we have to come to it by themselves. - And I think a lot of it is, if you want a relationship with God, you have to kindle it. How could you have a relationship with someone if you never talk to them? If you never just sit in their presence, if you never like have dinner with them or, you know, go to a movie with them. You wouldn't do that with one of your other friends. And God has so much more and has so much more to offer than just friendship. But, you know, I'd say, well, do you pray? Do you talk to God? 'Cause you can talk to God about anything. And God doesn't need to be intimidating in the least. I think that there's a lot of like, a lot of confused people out there and somehow like 90% of them are on my Twitter feed who like, you know, I've been told that my sin is far too great and I'll never get to heaven and no man will ever love me. And I shouldn't even bother like converting to Catholicism because I'm too far gone and nobody, nobody is too far gone. Nobody is too far out of reach and anybody can have a relationship with God. The beauty of it is that it's not something that is deserved. Like you say that I was living a life of sin. I'm still living a life of sin. All of us are, we sin all the time. And so God's love, God's mercy, God's friendship, God's forgiveness, it's not something that we deserve. It's not something that we can, you know, that we can in any way like earn, it's a choice. That's the beauty of it. It's not an if then situation. It's just, I, it's just choosing. I choose to have God in my life. I choose to do the things that make me closer to him. I choose his forgiveness, his mercy. I choose his friendship, his companionship. And I feel, you know, I'm nowhere near being the person who's like, I'm so glad that that tragedy happened to me because look at me now, no, I'll never be that person. I wish that God would have used something else, anything else to have gained my friendship and my love. But at the same time, like, I'm a much more content person and I like myself a lot more now than when I was, you know, doing the things that I did just a couple of years ago. - Wow, that's amazing. What would you say, because yeah, you have the, the images behind you, like a lot of the Christian and Catholic iconography, like it, you know, it seems old, it seems like far away, how do you, I think for a lot of people, it's hard to connect with that because it's, a lot of it's so old, but I get it. - Well, that's kind of what appeals to me is like, I live in New England and people think that there's great history here, right? Okay, I've been places where, you know, the construction was like four BC, you know, like now that's history, that's old, that's been there forever. And I think, I don't know that I'm one to answer that question because I love the fact that, you know, the mass that I go to is the same mass that's been happening for hundreds and hundreds of years, you know, like if you go to a Lutheran church and it's a new church, like physically, that doesn't have anything to do with it. But like, like now, you know, there's, and I think Methodist is another religion that, you know, now they're doing a lot with like trans rights and they're changing the litany and they're changing like all sorts of things are completely different. But you go to the Latin mass or a traditional Roman Catholic mass and that's gonna be the exact same as it has been for years and years and years and it's gonna be the exact same as it is in every country and every state and every part of the world. And that really appeals to me. But it doesn't have to necessarily be old. You know, I think that there's a lot of inspiration all around us as far as God and Catholicism as well. There are saints that are being canonized, you know, now as we speak. So there are newer saints, there are young saints, there's hundreds of saints to choose from. And I think, but I really think there is some beauty and awe to be had and respect also to be had for something that's centuries old that has still maintained the same traditions and, you know, the same mission statement, if you will. - Yeah, wow, have you since converting? So what was that process like? So you go to a priest, you're like, I wanna, you go to start going to like, I guess Catholic school, right? And then how long until you're able to get baptized? - Well, so I was baptized already as a Lutheran, right? But so I can't really remember exactly how long it was, but it was maybe like three months, I think? Yeah, I think it was three months. Like, I wanna say our CIA started in, yeah, I can't remember. February. And then you go through, you have class meets once a week and then know how to open before that. I'm not good at dates. I think it was a couple months. And then on Easter, everyone gets confirmed or baptized and confirmed at the same time during the Easter Vigil Mass. So that's really special. - Okay, cool. So what did your mother say about all this? Like what does your family think? - So it's funny, my mom, when I told her about like what I did for work that I was in the sex industry, yeah, I didn't tell her all the details, but she said she's kind of a woman, a few words, she said to me, well, that seems very lucrative. And then when I told her that I was quitting, she said that she was glad for me that I sounded like a happier person. And then I didn't tell her that I was converting for a really long time. Like I told her about my job, but like converting to Catholicism, I was like terrified about telling her that. - That's very important. But she said that she was just waiting for me to tell her that she pretty much knew that that's what was happening and she was okay with it. And we don't really discuss it much, but I always encourage her, if you have any questions about my own personal conversion or about like Catholic, you know, Catholic anything, you can ask me and I always want to reassure her. I'm like, it could just be a discussion. It doesn't have to be like a recruitment. I'm not trying to convert you. 'Cause I haven't, you know, I'm just happy that she's okay with it because really I think that a huge part of our identity, at least as I was growing up, you know, it was just the two of us. And we were like Lutheran, the Alaskan women. And that was like who we were. And so I was really scared that she would feel like she lost some part of me or that, you know, I wouldn't, she wouldn't think of me as her daughter anymore, if that makes sense. Like Lutheran, the whole religion is pretty much based on being anti-Catholic. Like, I didn't realize that. So, for me to become like one of the enemy is the way that I thought that she would see it. But yeah, she was pretty cool about it and said, you know, I figured that this was happening. I don't blame you. - I read an interview that someone did with you about, it mentioned that your mom was pretty like, was supportive of you and the adult. And she's basically, she said like, as long as you're happy, do you at any point wish that she had tried to steer you away from that or maybe wasn't so accepting? - Yeah, I think that's significant also. But it wasn't just my mom, you know, anybody could have tried to steer me away. And I did have friends actually who, you know, they would say things like, when I, you know, when I would talk about work, one, a friend of mine said, you know, asked that I wouldn't do that because it made her feel like she saw me. And like, she really pitied me. And I had the reaction to her that I probably would have had to anybody, including my mother, which is like, what do you know? You know, you're obviously just, you know, that's a, that's your own issue. It has nothing to do with me. So I think that it's hard to consider that I would, honestly, like if I really look at that question, it's honestly difficult to consider that I would have made a different decision because I was so self-absorbed and so such a champion of like, whatever I thought, you know, like superior to all. So I knew best. - Yeah. Do you ever have any of your contacts in the adult entry, either, you know, ones that you're still friends with or at the time of your conversion, like reach out to you and say like, oh, I wish I could get out or, you know, what kind of, I guess what kind of messages are you getting behind the scenes from other people in the industry? - Yeah. So the two of my friends that I'm still close with, they've both asked about my conversion, asked, you know, why chose Catholicism. One of them is starting to go to church. A lot of times when I do these interviews, like at least in the beginning, I thought to myself, well, I don't want to make them feel bad. And so I'm not going to talk poorly about pornography, like thinking to myself, you know, there's that ego still like, why would they be listening this interview? Like, they're not listening, but at the same time, like kind of similar, like, I know my mom's not listening, but I don't want to throw 100 of the bus. And so, but it took a little while and I've now come to the conclusion that like, these are my opinions and I can be friends with somebody and have different opinions, but this is what I strongly believe. I strongly believe for many reasons that women are made for more than just, you know, a few minutes of pleasure and then thrown to the sidelines or onto the next guy. I believe that men are really limiting themselves by watching pornography and vice versa. And-- - Well, limiting. That's important for men to hear because there's endless genres of porn and anything you could think of is probably out there. So I think yeah, men need to hear more about how it is limiting. - Yeah, easily you're in so many different aspects. Like I talked about the brain chemistry, it leads to addiction, your increase in serotonin, but then also, you know, you sitting at home, even Chrissy, you touched on this, sitting at home, you're not gonna find anything rewarding if you spend all day watching porn. You're never going to find someone to have a meaningful relationship if you're just stuck indoors all day. But then also, you're never going to find a meaningful relationship if you're constantly consuming pornography and your whole sex life is just with yourself. Because that woman that has become the ideal woman, she's fictional, she's a fantasy, she doesn't exist. And then also, you've taught your brain only and your body only to be stimulated and aroused by certain things. And so how are you ever going to find a meaningful relationship? You go on one date and the girl's like not mean enough or, you know, like, well, it's ridiculous. She doesn't wear a turtleneck and like, that's my kink, she's out. You know, and so you're limiting yourself in so many different ways. And you're teaching yourself that this is your meaningful relationship. This is meaningful, like for your life, you know, that this is all that you can aspire to and that's not, and that's just not true. And the first step to finding something and somebody something meaningful that you can have a relationship with is, well, I think maybe there's like step one A and step one B where, you know, first of all, you're going to have to convince yourself that you're worthy of that, that you do actually want that. And it is an incredible thing to have a meaningful relationship to have somebody there with you to share your sorrows as well as your joys. And then step one B is going to be, you have to stop watching pornography. It's so detrimental to your mind and detrimental to your happiness. - What do you say to, I mean, it's more, it's more guys watching porn than girls. Girls watch it too, of course. But like, what do you say to someone who's like, well, I'm just a casual consumer. Like I'm not addicted, I only, you know, consume it when I need to let off some steam or once in a while, or would you say that anybody watching it is addicted or anybody watching it, that you're going to have negative effects? - Yeah, I would say the latter of what you said, just because, I mean, all those things that I listed, like child sex slavery, serotonin levels, all those things, it doesn't matter how often you do it, you're still contributing to those aspects. - Yeah, this is an interesting comment from Sizzle here, guys, who wanna be degraded by a woman and pay for it, have way more issues than porn, I'm guessing. I would say too, yeah, issues with their own mother. - Yeah, but as far as guys who wanna be degraded by a woman, you know, your first issue is going to be, well, I guess it depends, like, how about that ER doctor that I discuss? Like, what are his issues? I mean, he has stress, but also, like, you know, that could be relieved by a relationship with God or a relationship with a woman, or even just friends, and instead he chooses pornography. I think that's, I guess it is indicative of other concerns, but I don't know, I don't see why one kink is more detrimental than another. I really don't, like, you could say, like, a woman who has daddy issues and watches like daddy porn, you know, she has much more issues than just her porn consumption, you know, you could probably, like, you could say that with anybody. - 'Cause it seems in all cases, it's just porn is, you're robbing yourself of a connection with an actual person, and that may not be a, yeah, potential partner, or spouse, or girlfriend, boyfriend, but right, friends, thinking of it, like, you'd be better served, calling a friend, you'd be better served, like, I don't know, hanging out with your pets, or, and it's just like, having the presence, yeah, exercising, having the presence of mine, enough to distance yourself from, like, okay, just, I'm gonna hold off whatever it is, 15 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour, just go do something else, like, like you would try to break any other habit, if it's like food or anything else, it's just picking a positive distraction. - And something that's gonna ultimately be beneficial for you. - Yeah, yeah, you're distancing yourself from a connection with a real person, and just creating, like, a very superficial substitute. - Yeah, I think it's really similar to, like, food or alcohol, drugs, any other things that, you know, people are more commonly addicted to. - Wow, okay, did you get any negative feedback from anybody, and I'm not sure if I asked you this already, but negative feedback, like, when you were leaving the industry, when you were converting. - Not so much, the majority of negative feedback I've gotten have been, has been just from random people on social media, and mostly Christians, which is kind of weird. - Really, I think that is. Although I would have to say it's like 50/50 with Christians, they're either like completely supportive or argumentative in some way, and sometimes both, actually. But no, no real pushback from anyone in the industry, I think a lot of people were super shocked, and I've had a few clients reach out, saying, please come back. (laughs) - They're trying to convert you back. - Yeah, exactly, which I think is kind of funny, but also, like, kind of gross. - Yeah, like, it's like a costume you're putting on, like, oh, this is just a phase. - Yeah, but, you know, it doesn't surprise me that much, you know? - But like, I was very good. - Yeah, right, I know you miss me. But I'm doing this for me, and, you know, now I have, you know, now I have a life that I'm proud of, and that I do things to benefit me, and not men sitting at home. - And you're benefiting them too. It's like the bartender that cuts off, you know, the alcoholic, it's like, well, you can't drink here anymore, so. - Yeah. - You gotta find somewhere else or consider your life choices, so you're just making it a little bit harder for them. - Precisely, yeah. - Wow, do you ever feel compelled to, not like you're gonna go and convert somebody, 'cause you feel like you made these choices for yourself, but what do you say to people when you feel compelled, like, give them some sort of guidance? I think about, I think probably my opinions on this are probably changing too, because I feel like I've talked to so many people in the adult industry, and I think over the last few years, I've gone from, like, I always wanna understand how people get into the industry, and what tempts them, what makes them stay, what they get out of it. I guess I'm leaning more towards how to help people, and how do you know when someone is kind of reaching out for help, how can you tell if someone wants your help, 'cause you can't help somebody get out of it if they don't want to. You're gonna come off preachy, and Christian's getting a bad rap for being, you know, you're getting shit from Christians and you're converted, so I guess how do you navigate that? - Well, yeah, I think it is tricky, and maybe this skill is something that you learn, and you develop, like, the longer that you are, an actual, like, church, or mass-going Catholic, but for me, I feel like even doing interviews, actually, sometimes I'm just like, well, who am I to give an interview? I used to do porn, now I'm Catholic, like, so, and then I do get a lot of messages, especially on social media about people, I just got one this morning about how, you know, this guy is celebrating 100 days without porn, and I'd like to give a shout out, congratulations. And he said that a lot of that has to do with me, and my testimony, and my, you know, being an example, and that's why I do it. You know, that's why I give these interviews is just to be an example to others, and to be a witness to God. But at the same time, I really feel like it's everyone's personal choice, and there have been people who've reached out to me who've said, you know, you should start a ministry for women who are in porn, and try to get them out of it. And I'm like, you know, like, it's not an addiction, it's not something where you need like a support group because you do porn. You know, what you need is like, well, ideally God, and then after that, it's like a really open-minded temp agency, you know, is women, you know, they primarily they don't want to leave because, well, because of the money, and then also I think sadly, a lot of them start to feel like this is, you know, this is all that I can do. Either this is all that I'm good for, or I've been doing this for so long. Now, how could I possibly get another job? And you can. There are plenty of ways to make a living outside of pornography, but I could see how it'd be really scary, and I think that, you know, like I've said with my own two girlfriends, I've said, you know, well, I'm here for you, I'm praying for you, I'm here to answer any questions that you might have, and I'll do it, you know, realistically, I'm not going to blow smoke or, you know, tell you things that I just think you want to hear. And from there, it's, I think that's, that's the best that I can do for right now, because I don't want to come across as being preachy, and I would never be the type of person to say, you know, you're living in sin, and you're a horrible person, and you're going to hell, and, you know, repent now, center. Like that's, that's not for me to say, that's not for you to say. Only God is able to say that. And so I think that, yeah, it's kind of a delicate edge because I don't, I would never want to force somebody, you know, further away from Catholicism than they already are. Like, I just want to be someone who is like a welcome source, who, if you have questions, if you'd like me to help you, you know, learn how, well, like help guide you in prayer, you know, if you'd like me to tell you about like St. Clair and how awesome she is, let's, let's chat, let's hang out. But aside from that, it's, you know, it's, I've already said this, but it's not something you earn, it's not something you deserve, it's something you choose. And only really, one person for themselves can choose God. - And I was, sorry, I would say how was, how was being a Catholic better than being Lutheran? - So, in so many ways, there's the sacraments, there's, I mean, the Eucharist is available, you know, even as a Methodist, you go for communion, but the way that the Catholics think of the Eucharist is, that's Jesus's living body that he gave for me. And I think that means so much more than also like being in communion with the saints. I think it's super cool. And learning all about their lives and learning, like the trials that they went through and the things that they did, you know, and everything from like, you know, hunger strikes to being martyred. And I think that's really inspirational, super cool. I also really like how the word Catholic means universal. So, like I said, I could go to Catholic Mass here and it would be the same as it was in Rome, Italy. I think that's a significant difference. But then the main difference is going to be the sacrament of confession and how I mentioned that Martin Luther said, you know, as long as you accept Jesus in your heart, you can send as much as you want. And I'm not saying that that's not true, but that's not the way to go about things. You'll be so much happier if you acknowledge what is sin and you try to, you know, echo out of your life. And then when you do slip up, which we all do, you know, falling from grace, Adam and Eve, like they were the ones who destined all the rest of us humans to be sinful. Like that's how we were made, it's human nature. But another grace that's available in the Catholic church is confession, which I think a lot of people, even Catholics find really intimidating and scary. And maybe it's because I'm new, but I'd love confession. I feel like when the priest says to me that I am absolved of all my sins, I just feel brand new, I feel lighter, I feel freer. I love the fact that I have somebody to hold me accountable, you know, when I feel tempted to do something. And then I think, you know, well, you're going to have to remember this, you're gonna have to write it down. Or, you know, for your next confession, you're going to have to say this. When you go later in the week and, you know, ideally the best way to look at things actually is like, I don't want to do this because it puts a rift in my relationship with God. But either I'm not there yet, or I'm just thinking of it differently. And either way, I think it's okay that I, you know, I think of it as somebody who's holding me accountable and somebody, you know, I don't want to have to say this next time I go to confession. So I'm just not going to do it. But another thing like to point out for people who aren't Catholic and then also to remind people who are Catholic is that confession falls under the sacrament of healing. So it's not something that's designed to make you feel guilty. It's not something designed to make you feel uncomfortable. It's designed to help you heal. So in many ways, I think it's kind of like a therapist, a therapist that you only really, that's you only talk about, you know, the things that you did in desperation or moment of weakness, you own up to it. You say it out loud. Martin Luther's idea is that, you know, you can sin all you want. Just forget about it. Who cares? Doesn't matter. Like you're being led off the hook. Yeah. And I don't know living like that. I like to live with intent and integrity and self-respect. Yeah. And it seems like being a Catholic, it's your, you have the chance to be closer to God. And right, you're not, you're not really led off the hook. And there's, I know there's more to it that you have a saints and the sacraments. It's like there's more to kind of interact with. Mm hmm. Maybe I'm taking about converting. Maybe that's why I'm asking so many questions. How do you feel about? We're cute. (laughs) We'll keep talking. How do you feel about the idea? Like, oh, do you ever think, man, so much of my content is like still out there, these videos, the customs, like, how do you deal with that? Yeah. I think about it kind of like, well, it is what it is. I can't, you know, feel too much shame because I did do those things. So, you know, it's not like this is completely falsified. But also, you know, from a legal standpoint because I closed all my stores, I really don't have a leg to stand on prior to closing my stores. Like if I would submit a form, it's just a basic form that you submit on these websites. Like Pornhub has one where then you say, you know, this is my content and then you link it to your store and then they'll remove it in like a matter of days. But because I don't have a store anymore and there's no real legal, you know, I have no real legal argument because I can't prove that it was mine. And then also, I suppose, even if that weren't, if I could find some sort of way of proving that it was my content, I'd have to be on the lookout all the time. I'd have to like spend even spending like five minutes on Pornhub looking for my stuff sounds unappealing. So I just, I have better things to do with my day than like going and looking at all for my old content. I don't even like looking at, you know, photos of myself from that time period. I really don't want to look through the dredges of Pornhub. And so it is what it is. That's all. - Yeah, it's better to just like you have it behind you. I want to bring up this. This photo is so beautiful. This is on your Twitter. - What moment was this here? - That's in Rome, yeah. And the sunlight is coming through one of the stained glass windows and I just couldn't take my eyes off it. And it was like kind of pretty dark in the whole church. I don't even remember if they had electricity, but none of the lights, there weren't any lights on, except for the sun coming in through that stained glass window and it was like a spotlight right on me. And I just. - Wow. Did you know this photo was being taken? - No, I don't think so. - Oh, wow. Not even posed. That's amazing. Yeah, this is really, what an amazing story. - Thank you. - You, your DMs, do you encourage people to DM you if they have questions about anything? - Yeah, yeah. I also opened up an email just for that. It's miss be converted M-I-S-S-B converted at Gmail. And yeah, I really encourage people to, you know, if you have questions, if you have comments, if you even, you know, like send me a photo of your dog or send me some complaints or, you know, or any questions, please feel free to use me as a resource. - And you make jewelry too? - Oh, yeah. So when I was trying to think of, you know, what kind of a job I could get, I considered that I really, I love working from home, making my own hours, but, and not having a boss. And so I thought maybe I would try making groceries, even though I hadn't been completely confirmed as a Catholic at the time when I started, I thought, well, you know, maybe that could be my funny little quirk. Like I'm a aspiring Catholic, but still technically Lutheran, and I'm making groceries. Ha ha. And, and it surprised, well, then since my confirmation actually is when most people have heard about me and have been visiting my shop. And it's been overwhelming just the amount of support that I've gotten from people. And the fact that people want, you know, I make a lot of custom rosaries. So somebody will order a rosary for say, like their child's first, first communion or a priest who had recently graduated from seminary and wanted a specific rosary for himself. And like, can you imagine that, that you would buy your child a piece of, a piece of, you know, something to help them grow closer to Jesus and married to help them pray from a former porn star? Like, that just blows my mind. And like, that's one of the main reasons why they wanna buy it from me is because of who I used to be and my conversion. And that just, I mean, it gives me goosebumps. Just like... - Yeah, that's really cool. - And the nature can be so beautiful. And I wouldn't have experienced any of this had I not converted. And so many people have been so welcoming and so overwhelmingly supportive. And I see it on a daily basis. And especially in my rosary shop, I make heirloom rosaries. So they're, so they're more on the high end. I like really beautiful things. I joke saying, you know, you can take the girl out of porn, but she still likes really expensive things. So I tend to use, you know, well, I only use like real gemstones and real girls. - Yeah, that's nice. And there's kind of like, there's kind of not like superpowers, but there's, you know, qualities inherent in gemstones. They have like their own kind of power. - Yeah. - So very cool. - Chrissy, let me know just when you want your own rosary and I'll design one just for you. - Ooh, I want to order one. I was just thinking about that. I love this. Yeah, go to Etsy. Her Etsy shop is called Ave Maria every day. She's got a link tree, link tree miss be converted to check out her Etsy shop. You can email her, follow her on Twitter, Instagram, and then she's got an ask me anything button there on the link tree. Thank you so much for coming on. What an amazing story. You're so inspiring. You are like, just to have this wonderful vibe, this wonderful like piece about you. I think what a cool story. And thank you for telling it. And you're helping more people than you can even realize. So thank you for doing it. Any other final thoughts? Feelings, thank you for coming on now. - Yeah. Just remember everybody. God loves you and he doesn't want you to be unhappy. And if I can be of help in any way, just please reach out. Let me know. - Awesome. Thank you so much, Breein. Thank you so much to the chat. Oh, we got a little super chat. Thank you, Yasuki, for the five bucks. Yeah, you guys are the best and we will see you all next time. Bye.
