Today, we're celebrating 31 incredible years of love, laughter, and growth together! 💑✨ On this special anniversary episode of the Love and Life Elevated podcast, we’re diving deep into the secrets of building a lasting love that stands the test of time. From shared dreams to overcoming challenges, we share what has kept our hearts connected through the decades. 💕 Tune in for some heartfelt insights and join us in celebrating the beauty of a love that grows stronger every day. 🌟 #LoveAndLifeElevated #31YearsStrong #LastingLove #AnniversaryGoals
Change Agents Community with Dr. James Rouse
Love and Life Elevated 31st Anniversary
(upbeat music) - Hey, it's Dr. Deborah Rouse and I'm joining my beloved Dr. James Rouse today on another episode of Love and Life Elevated. Please enjoy as we celebrate a very special day with you. - Well, hello everybody. Welcome to the next episode of Love and Life Elevated. And today's a very special day. How much day it is, honey? - Can't be anniversary baby. - Happy anniversary baby. - And 31. - 31. - So much fun, 30. - Oh my goodness, 31 years sweetheart. Wow, amazing. You know, it just fell on a Wednesday. It literally is today and we're so excited to be with you. We thought, should we take a time off and you know, not do a show on our anniversary than we thought it's the perfect time to do a show, right? - Yeah, what else are we gonna do today? - What else are we gonna do today? Forgot to say. - We got nothing going on. - So what we thought would be kind of fun is we kind of compiled some things that we independently think are really important for how our relationship has continued to grow and get stronger year after year and now for 31 years. And we thought it'd be a lot of fun to share independently. What we both thought are the, I don't wanna say secrets, that sounds kind of cheesy. - That sounds so cheesy. - It's so cheesy. We're not saying secrets, traits, characteristics, practices of our 31 year love affair. - Yeah, I would say that age old question of what makes love last and these are our opinions, what has worked for us and I think it does work. Well, I don't know what you're gonna share it but I think probably a lot. - Maybe we should share each other's list. That would be good. - Yeah, I think probably a lot of people would agree who've been in longer relationships that what we're gonna talk about is helpful. - Yeah. - To making love last. - It is and I think the beautiful thing is honey, if we did this like 20 years ago, I think it'd be a completely different list. - You do? - Well, not completely different. - Maybe 25 years ago, those were the tough, those were the rough years. - We had a. - When we get through the first seven, I think, you know, it gets better if you continue these practices. - Yeah, I think that, and we did it, we had a patch that was between being in school and not having any money and constantly stressed. - I'm gonna start because one of the things on my list, honestly, I don't know why it was hard, the first seven years, and it's the easiest thing. You ready? - I'm ready. - It's apologize when you're wrong. - Mm. - You know, like, I just wanted to be so right, that whole first, probably 10 years, if I'm being real. (laughs) - That is so honest and so- - I'm so right, but then when you're wrong, it's so much easier to say I was wrong and I'm sorry. And oh, we just held onto that, I have to be right. And then it just gets, it's so much easier and lighter, and like, you're, if I'm reading your mind, you're like, yeah, I know you're rapping wrong, or whatever, but if you can own it and apologize, I think it's one of the easiest thing. It's no brainer and it goes a long way. - Yeah, I love that one sweetheart, and you're right. I mean, how, what's the cliche? It's almost a cliche when it says, do you wanna be right or do you wanna be love? - Oh, that's a good one. - And it's so true, right? And how often have you been in partnership with somebody and you're like, man, I was digging in my heels, so I was right. And if I had just chosen to be love, it would have moved so beautifully, so quickly and strengthen the relationship. Now, one of my first ones that I thought about is, and this is something I think that you and I have really done really well over the years. We both have areas where we have work to do. Of course, and I don't wanna call them weaknesses, but I'll call them liability spots within ourselves. And I think one of the things I love about what we've done, and this is something you do beautifully, sweetheart, you really focus on my strengths and help me to nurture, bring those forward versus picking out the areas where I've got vulnerabilities or I've got insecurities. And you've been amazing because it's the same thing, right, when they talk about in career, people who are choosing their career path, they'll say, well, you know what? You're gonna kinda get all your weaknesses. You gotta strengthen those areas if you wanna be a well-rounded person. And more and more research says, no focus on the areas that you are amazing, 'cause that's gonna be the thing that really moves you forward in your life, in your career. And certainly, sweetheart, in our relationship, you being so mindful and loving about the areas that you know, I really love to be in and really strengthen for myself. You pick those out and you pull those forward with me. Thank you. - Yeah, that's a good one. Have you heard of inter-vulnerability? - Yes. - Yeah. So that's a newer concept for me, and I think it really plays in because that as a couple, we can be vulnerable together, and we may have similar vulnerabilities that become like something that we share together and can kind of work through and be honest about and vulnerable together. I think that concept's really interesting. - It is, and I think that's a unique and really beautiful way of having intimacy, right? Because that is ultimately the place I think we're gonna find, there's a lot of areas that are, you know, there's some broken areas. There's some areas where we're most susceptible for self-judgment. So when we go in there together and unpack some of that stuff together in a safe place, but also sharing, exchanging that way, oh my gosh, it is so, it's really sexy too, because I think you really, it is, it's sexy because I think you get a chance to really see the person, and you're really exposing yourself to the person right in front of you and going, wow, I know what this feels, and I can understand this. Here's what I'm going through at the same time, or this is something I'm also working on. - Okay, the next one I have actually just came up recently, don't need to share the details of it, but it's something that I would say our whole family can relate to, and it's listening non-defensively. So every now and then, there's something that is maybe eating at me, and I just really, it's like, you know what, I need to say it. So he hears me, and then I can move on from it, or whatever, so we just did that the other night, and you were amazing, and you said, honey, totally own it, I'm, you know, sorry, whatever, move on. - Done. - Done, versus we, our whole family members have a history of reacting defensively. When you're just, you're like, oh God, I know, they're gonna react, they're gonna react like, how do I even bring this up? It's a delicate dance, and so listening non-defensively is like a superpower. - It is, and I think that's a whole part of building trust, right? Were you, when you know something's coming, a conversation, 'cause it, it is, and I think a lot of us have to also remember, it's really good to present a preamble, so it's not like something you're going, you know, you just drop a bomb, you gotta say, hey, this might be hard, or this may be something where this could push a couple of buttons, so I wanted to just kinda make sure you know I'm not intending to do that. Just be kind when you're presenting these things, and that's gonna help someone put their guard down and help with the defensiveness. - Yeah, I think what I said to you was, honey, you know, I just need to say this, I need you to hear it, and then like, we can let it go from there, and you were just like, boom, great, yes, I agree, et cetera, and we moved on, and it was like, I was very proud of us. - Yeah, it was beautiful, right? 31 years in, you're going, oh my God, that was great of us to do it. (laughing) All right, here's a good one. Don't stop having fun together. - Oh, yeah, we're silly. - Oh my gosh, and you know-- - That's so important, couples don't have fun, like, well, why? - I mean, and I know it's often said in relationships, particularly in like, I'll call it more self-human potential, personal development, spiritual circles to say, you know, we're doing lots of work. You just like, okay, it's good to do work when work is necessary, but you gotta have fun. You gotta be weaving fun into the work, or what are we really doing? And you and I, I mean, we have the laughter that we have had in 31 years. There are times when we will catch each other in something that brings us great joy, and it's not just laughter, it's the belly quaking, eyes watering, and when we do that together, I think that's the most beautiful exchange of energy we ever have, and because one of the things I remember falling in love with you immediately in the very beginning, you're laughter and you're smile. I found those to be the most attractive qualities, and I love 'em just as much today. I just love 'em. - Ah, thank you, I just got a great flashback. We don't need to tell the story, but falling down and laughing on the trail. - Oh my gosh. - Okay, kids, oh. - Yeah, and okay, we just saw a sidebar. We have these two beautiful daughters who do a lot of things with us when they come home, and one of the things we love to do is do this mountain climb together, and always on this mountain climb. There's always something, there's always something, and they will witness their mom and dad in the early 60s and mid 50s, literally laying down on the trail, laughing, holding our belly, where we cannot even walk. - We've had a lot of shenanigans on the trail, and so have our girls, so you know what we're talking about. - Yeah, so there's some beautiful stuff right there, so keep having fun, make sure your love language should be woven into fun, and it should be a part of what it is that you exchanged together, and that's one of your roles in partnership. Create experiences that you know. Your lover, your person is gonna laugh at and feel really, really open, and you get a chance to kind of facilitate that and help curate that. - Okay, my next one is to have a vision for the life that you're creating. So I'm a huge fan of making vision boards every year, maybe twice a year. I like to have a kind of a visual out picturing of what I'm wanting to call into my life. We have done that for years together, where we've either, at the same time, made our own vision boards, but we've also made one together, and what's so awesome about that is every time we've done that, almost everything on our board has out pictured in our life. But if you have a vision that's like, I wanna live in this mansion in a metropolis, and all of this, I would be like, I'm not sure this is gonna work, but I'm thinking like-- - I thought you were my person, but maybe you're not-- - You're on a farm with rescue donkeys, and you're like, what? I'm thinking Penn House on Fifth Avenue, you know? - Actually, I'm the rescue donkey in the middle of nowhere with a guy. - See, that's why we have a, we've co-created that vision. Card, I'm such a wannabe homesteader, I have a long way to go. But we share that vision, and it's really important for a long lasting relationship. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I love that one, honey. And this might, I spoke about just a moment ago, but I wanna kind of develop this with you because this is great. Choose to be attracted to your person. You know, and I think that, one of the things we have to understand that, in a new relationship, dopamine is running your life. And dopamine is, everything's exciting, everything's sexy and awesome and amazing, and you can't get enough of your new person. Well, you know, after 31 years, dopamine is not necessarily playing the same role, unless you absolutely get clear about the things that you really love about your person. And then, according to this research, this is great, really choose to be attracted to it, choose to find love for it, choose to be appreciative of it, and continually nurture that appreciation for that quality that you find attraction in, because yeah, certainly made to be a time it was only physical, hopefully it wasn't only physical, but that could be one of the attributes of what you found attractive, a physical thing. And then there may be this new thing, it's something they're doing with their purpose, something they're doing in their work. And then you get to a point you're going, oh my gosh, I need to continually look, because our brain, literally, once we decide, make a decision and decide, this is a quality I love, I appreciate, I really, really respect about my person, you need to focus on it and give yourself permission to celebrate it in front of your partner, to tell your partner about it, because that is incredibly nurturing for oxytocin and trust. And it really studies show, it's one of the most foundational principles of a long lasting relationship, to continue to be attracted to a quality, and then have the love to tell your person about it and why you love it, what you see in it, and what it does for you as a friend or a lover, to witness it. - That is really awesome and important, and I would say really hard, because do you think you can, there's a point of no return when you fall out of attraction, because I certainly see those people in my practice for as patients, people I'm coaching, where they're just not attracted to their partner, so it's whether over years of repetitive acts that have lessened, kind of repelled them, from their partner, or physically, but I think even less, some of it's physical, for sure, but some of it is in actions, like the way they treat others, the way they treat themselves and their partners, so do you think that there's a point of no return once you've lost attraction for someone where you're like, are you staying in this relationship, not that we're here to promote divesting, or separating, or divorcing, or whatever, but it's so, like how long do you give it? - It's a really good question, I may not be tracking completely, but here's my mind, my mind went immediately, I was thinking about the fact that one of the bigger reasons why a lot of relationships do fail, is that maybe that loss of attraction also has within it, a loss of trust, and that one seems to be a leader in why a lot of relationships do not last, trust has been breached, and when you look at one of the things that really is a driver for attraction, or trust, both of those things, the one you'd be with a person, it is the primary oxytocin hormone driver, it is trust, this person is not going to do me wrong, this person's not gonna hurt me, this person's gonna continually grow because that is also something you appreciate, so all of these ways, so I wonder about what you said in relationship to, is there a point where it no longer can be found? Well, I don't think that necessarily can happen on a physical level, maybe it can, but I hope to think that people have a lot more going than just the physical, where something where, and I really believe, one of the things I love about you, honey, I love the way that you were a mom, I can literally watch you be with our daughters all day, every day, and find that to be one of the most beautiful qualities, you're so good at it, and our daughters respond so deeply to your love and nurturing, it is literally one of the most amazing things I get a chance to do. - Thank you. I was thinking when you brought up trust, it wasn't on my list, but it would go along with what you're saying and that's forgiveness. So if trust has been breached and you have to dig deep for that level of forgiveness, whatever the trust issue was, you can't just pay that lip service. Like forgiveness is a very deep process and it is a work in progress for sure, and so that is a deep self-reflection type of question. Like you can say, "I forgive you," but you have to know it and feel it and embody that within for relationship to move forward, really. And yeah, I just, I don't think we have the answers, like, is there a point of no return with that? If you're just not attracted to your partner and it could just have to do with their actions in the world, how they are, who they are. - Their character, their integrity, those are big. - Because you were lost in the physical when you got together and you're like, "Oh, actually they're not a nice person." And that, hopefully you're still physically attracted to me, but I think what you're saying is that you're still attracted to like how I am in the world, or how I am with the daughters, or how I am just me. - Yeah, this, yeah, I do know. - Thank you. And this would be a great check-in, I think, for everyone, right? Like, let me do a state of my union with my person if you have a person, or if you're thinking about getting into relationships, you wanna be in a relationship, this idea of forgiveness, when you look at what happens under the influence of that act, talk about intervulnerability, when you do give yourself permission to actually welcome someone back in who's been in your life, but maybe something happened and you're wondering if you're just gonna push it away, or you're like, "Is there enough here?" And do I really, really desire to bring this person back in, but I'm gonna do it under the level of me, forgiving fully, and then creating a new place in which we can do the work to begin the faith and the trust and the work that that entails. - Yeah, for sure, yeah. I was just thinking of, I just wanna send a shout-out to the musician, Karen Drucker, 'cause I was thinking of that awesome, beautiful song I forgive you that she has, and how, like, when you really listen, close your eyes, resonate deeply with the word she has so many awesome, like, chants and beautiful music, but I was hearing in her song as you were just sharing that. - Yeah, I mean, that actually gets me a little emotional. - No, totally, 'cause I've been in, like, women's retreats. I remember the very first women's retreat I ever went to, and she was there as a, it was like a women's ministry thing, and I was not happy with you for some reason. (laughs) - There was probably plenty of reasons. - But I was so, like, took it in, you know? Like, you didn't do something. Always it comes back to, there was something within myself I needed to forgive, and it was probably, because I was probably not treating you well, because of whatever it was. It's the things relationships go to, which is why we're here 31 years later, but it brought back that song of how it was like, whew, it just played that. It was like, all that shit was just gone and done, you know? - I'm crazy about that. - That's why I had to bring, I had to thank you. - I am absolutely crazy about you right now, just like you should. - That is so, that is so us. - Yeah. - And that is so, I think, the thing that all of us are hoping we can have that level of openness and that level of humility. And, you know, I do a thing in some of my presentations I do where I ask someone to pick a partner or with their partner and really, really say things that are super, like, really, really hard while you're making deep eye contact. You begin with the whole eyes soft, and then you say something like, just like you, I have deep insecurities. - Yeah. - And just like you, my vulnerabilities make me feel frightened about getting closer. And when you really, really do practices like that, oh my gosh. - Yeah, those are tough. - The mask drops and the vulnerabilities get stirred up and all the wordiness issues. And I think that was my last one. - Yeah. - Creating spaces where you can get a chance to explore where you have hesitation to receive love. Where you have a hesitation, where you're gonna feel the worthiness get pushed up and go, I don't know if I can receive that level about not really worthy of that level of love. And that is something I know you and I in our first, I'll call it our four, our four minute of years. - Yeah, for sure. - Because we were. - We, like, we wanted to give it, give it, give it, give it. We couldn't, like, receive it for ourselves. - Which I think a lot of our childhood about wanting to continually make peace in the family when a family was not going in good directions and being peacemakers and trying to keep everything together in broken homes. That is a real trait of that, to trauma response. So for us to actually receive is something we really, really knew, number one, we had to admit, I'm not good at this. - Yeah. - There's this amazing person who wants to give this love to me, wants to pour it into me. And I am not allowing it and I'm trying to create reasons for why I'm not worthy of that. So if that's something that you are presently, or you know that's a historical element in you, number one, it is a very, very common thing for a lot of us and an incredible opportunity to reignite love at a deep and beautiful level that transcends so much of our previous story. - Yeah, because I perceived it as you trying to rescue me and you perceived it as me mothering you or smothering you instead of just like, oh, I can receive this much love. But we had to be like, well, I'm gonna find an excuse for not receiving it, right? I don't need rescuing, right? - Right. - So forth. - Yeah, I got this. - Yeah, I'm good. - Yeah, yeah. - Well, my very last one is co-creating relationship culture, like creating our own culture of relationship. And I feel like the way we've done that is with our morning nature walks. Like that is so important. That's our going to church every morning. It was going to church and creating community there. It is our family and our children, our animals, by the way, guys, we have a new puppy. So he's taking-- - We'll put them in the chat. - Well, we'll send you pictures or we'll take pictures. But also, when some things that we love are, it's like music after dinner and dancing. And like James already said, being silly, he's our resident drummer. So he loves to like drum when we have the music going upstairs, either while maybe I'm making dinner. - And by the way, I'm not a good drummer. I don't have any rhythm. But Deb, totally, 'cause you go, honey, you're awesome. - But yeah, so it's like, that's our culture. That may not work for other people. We used to like sing grace at the dinner table before we do that. Like when we did it with other people, they thought we were absolutely nuts. But yeah, it's like, you know, I love the word culture. It's so rich and you can just picture people living in different countries and how different families have different ways of owning and celebrating their culture. And I think each relationship, you develop a culture within the relationship. - Absolutely. And just kind of an addition to that idea of culture, really, really look at the people you're spending time with, particularly other couples, other partnerships, other people and how they do their thing. Because we've gone through different iterations. We've got a really beautiful, amazing intimate circle of other couples partnerships that really help our partnership to remain strong. And we've been in other experiences where those partnerships did not help us. And that's not their job to help us, but energetically, we found, we kind of came out of going, ooh, yeah, like whoa, are we like, what happened? Like, what did that energy shift? So being mindful of that. And they are, there's so much good stuff out there speaking. But you are your associations. And there's one of the most beautiful quotes, people your life well. - Yes. - So really get clear about the people you put into your circle, into your culture, because they will really augment the quality of your love. You get a chance to witness people doing great things together. And it really can bring out the best in us. - Yeah, for sure, for sure. - So any last thing about our anniversary that you wanna share, like a little cool thing that you can say, like the things that we did, how about our first, our honeymoon, like what we did? How great was that? - That was so great. - We literally hiked in the middle of nowhere into the mountains. - We were in the Wallowa mountains in Eastern Oregon. And if you saw the shack, that lake, that where that story took place, like that is where we spent our first honeymoon night in that campground. And so it's very eerie when I read that book. And we had our Basset Hound and our West Folia pop-up van. And we hiked up to this glacier fed lake. Oh, and the best part was so we were camping. And we brought the wrong fuel for our camper stove. And in the middle of nowhere, there was only one other tent. And this, I mean, talk about miles and miles and miles. And there's one other person. - One other tent, a couple. And they were hiking out that day. And they happened to have the fuel that we needed for our little camper stove. And they just gave it to us. And we ended up keeping in touch with a couple of years. It was so fun. So that was a great memory. - And I think what we will do, we will post a picture of us from- - Well, you always do. - I can't help myself. - Long hair. - Long hair, great outfits that we had. - We all made his wedding outfit and his knickers and puffy shirt, wonderful. - I just want to- - We still have it. We may or may not put that on every year. - We may. - We may actually. (laughing) So thank you for joining us today, Sweetheart, happy university. I love you more than ever. I mean that. And that is such an incredible thing to go to say to you, honestly, and with such a level of depth. I love you more than ever. - I love you more. - Thank you. Thanks guys. We love you too. - Thank you for indulging us. (laughing) - Have a beautiful afternoon. We'll see you next Wednesday. Leave us any comments that help us to feel more about what your relationship, awesomeness entails with your lover, with your partner, with your bestie. We'll see you next week. Peace and love. - And happy anniversary to Dara and Dan, who share- - Dara and Dan, happy anniversary. Bye for now. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music)