The Johnny Salami Podcast
Zach Russell
I think I took a shit in my neighbor's lawn. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] [MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, well, I'm hurting. [MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC PLAYING] Fuckin' fall over. Yeah, I know how to use a mic. You have those geo collapses. Yeah, I'm pretty familiar. Do one time I was doing a pod with this older guy who wasn't really too good for technology and shit. And I just set up the studio or whatever. And I bought this fuckin' outdoor light from Walmart. And I hung it up with a G-string dude. And it fell down during the podcast. And Glass broke everywhere, dude. Do you think he was back in Korea? He was like, yeah, dude, he had a fuckin' flashback. Fuck yeah. He just fuckin' started screaming his wife's name. His buddies that he lost. He started jerking off, dude. Right. Yeah, that's what happens. You gotta get one out before you-- Yeah, that's what we walked towards the list, dude. [LAUGHTER] I wonder if there is dude. Is that what all the dudes going on the train jerking off? That's what they're going through. I think Korea flashbacks. That's weird. I wonder if there is dudes out there who have flashbacks. Just start fuckin' jerking off. Maybe, because it's kind of where they were in. You got captured. What if you're jerking off and that's what triggered your flashbacks so you can never jerk off anymore? Like, you got shot at while you were spanking in the woods one night, and that's all you can remember. Right, and you're like, it's just too hard. That'd be crazy if you were jerking off with your buddy and his fuckin' head blew off. [LAUGHTER] That'd be fuckin' crazy, dude. That would be nuts. If I made a movie, dude-- You still have to come, though. You're like, oh, I don't want to have blue balls now. That like, man, I got two problems. That makes you come, dude. Oh, well, that's tough. [LAUGHTER] So how was the war? I don't want to talk about it. You create a new sex. [LAUGHTER] All right, so honey, hear me out. I'm going to need you to act like your head just got blown off. And I'm going to call you David. Is that OK? Well, dude, you live in Brooklyn. You must hear, like, a lot of different sexes, right? I must hear a lot of different sex, is that what I just said? Different ethnicities, they're headed out, open windowed. What is that called? Oh, sexuality. Sexuality, that's right. I was off, by the way. I'm here to teach you about sexuality. [LAUGHTER] I'm the foremost expert in how many-- How many you know? How many sexualities? [LAUGHTER] I got to be four. Like ones that you could explain thoroughly to, like, a classroom. Oh, kids? Yeah, OK. We got hetero. Let's just go down the list. Homo. Trans is not one. Oh, boy. Can we all, like, tip for dad on this? Why am I doing it all? I mean, I only know two. I've heard of this. Buy, yeah. And pan. You'd be able to explain buy, though. Yeah. Or would you just put up a picture of, like, a fucking super-cuts manager? [LAUGHTER] This. Yeah, right, right. I feel like we both need to use pictures. Yeah, well, they're kids. Yeah. That's a good teaching. Even if it was, like, a town council meeting, I feel like I need a projector. Well, it helps. Some 4K pics, you know? Like, if you were putting up a picture of, like, a lesbian. Yeah. Like, what would your ideal picture be, you think? Maybe, like, you with an earring. Really? Yeah, really. Just one earring? Yeah. Did I go to Claire's? Yeah. It's not even real. It's a clip-on. There's, like, still blood everywhere. Yeah. Blood from the clip-on. Maybe me with, like, a haircut, too. Yeah. Pretty shorter haircut. Most guys are, like, a few changes away from very much lesbian. So I'm sorry I didn't mean to come after you. No, it's fine, yeah. I think that is a compliment, dude. Good, you should. But I could be a lesbian. You should. I've been thinking about coming out. You should transition to a lesbian. Well, I've been saying this a lot. I'm thinking about coming out, just because I can't get pussy. Yeah. So my boys are going to be like, oh, like, you like men, and I'm just going to be like, no, I just-- I just couldn't get pussy. I'm giving up, so I joined the other side. Because I know I could fucking smash some hammers, dude. Yeah, for sure. It's easy, man. It's going to be fucking Provincetown, and we're fucking fine. You know what I'm fucking grinder? Provincetown's all around us, buddy. It's got to a fucking Apple store, dude. Provincetown's everywhere. Where do you think you would go? You think the gay is hanging out at the Apple store? [LAUGHTER] Any hip-k club, Apple Store Best Buy Circuit City? Yeah. PC Richards? Like, I'm just here for some cock, boys. Uh-huh. Like, you have an appointment. Where would you go if you were looking for some fucking meat? If I was looking for me-- I mean, probably BPL, Brooklyn Public Library. For real? Yeah. A lot of gay dudes in there? I don't know. I've only been once. Good setup, though. Great setup. I've been at the Queen's Public Library, dude, it looks like a fucking Denny's. Yeah, really? Yeah, just a bunch of dudes fucking jerking each other off. They got served on the tables? Yeah, dude. Unlimited, bro. Where would I go if I was really trying to-- Bus and-- what was your term? Hammers? Hammers, yeah. Bus and fucking meat hammers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, where would I go? Where would I go? Probably like the back alley of a checker's. A checker's, right? What the fuck is that? Got to eat. Really? Yeah, fast food. You never heard of a checker's? No. We really live in different parts of New York. This is a restaurant. Well, it's a fast food place. In Brooklyn? Yeah, yeah. But it's national. It's a national chain. Holy fuck. You never heard of checkers? You got to eat-- I've heard of the game checkers. And they use the-- that is their logo. Really? It's just a checker board. No copyright. No pieces. No copyright. Holy shit. No one copyrighted the black and white. They must be legit then, dude. Even though, fella didn't come after them. Dude, if I was trying to get some cock, man, I might just go to like a Barnes and Noble or something. Yeah, that's a great answer. Going like the history section or some shit. I actually know the history section. It would depend like what-- You might get beat up if you're looking for cock in the history section. What year we're looking at. It was like World War II, which is going to be straight dudes. You're fucking 70s, 60s. Rip and zins. Maybe go to like fucking-- I don't know what's like the gay fucking year, you think. 60-- well, we went to the moon. It's a lot of dudes in this small cockpit. Yeah. 1969 might be the one of the gayest years, in contention for the gayest year. I think it would just be like the autobiography section. They'd probably be reading a book about like Michelle Obama. It was fucking-- The coming, dude. Yeah. It's like the second coming. And it's just a picture of like a bunch of fucking dipshits. Yeah. I don't know, man. What were we talking about, though, just being-- Oh, the sex is sexuality. Sex is sexuality, dude. Sex is sexuality. She's not like three. I heard someone talk about like being pansexual recently. I didn't really listen. No, that's the whole thing. Like, I hear that. I just fucking zone out, dude, you know, which I feel like is OK to do. That is OK. You know, I feel like I should be more accepting. You're just be able to like not process things that you don't want to process. That's your right. That's your right. I got in an argument recently with my girlfriend, actually, about something where I didn't think it was funny. Yeah. And she got mad at me for nothing. She's like, you're comedian. I'm like, I'm allowed to not just laugh. What gets you giggling, dude? Yeah, just jokes, classic stuff, falls, you know, farts. Are you a big dick's guy? Like big dicks and balls and shit. Am I a big dick? Yeah. No, follow-up questions, yes. But when you're talking with your boys, are you just talking about like mannaise and fucking dick farts? Is this what the show is? That's all. Then we started? Are we just getting to know each other? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We talk about-- it's like book club. Every week, we get together, like which-- what's the biggest one you saw this week? Yeah, because when I first met you, you gave off like a little kind of like an evil like Harry Potter figure, do you know what I mean? But then like I got to know you a little bit. Like he's like this had a hat, chose Slytherin for him. I feel like movies are all different now. You look like a kid who would like tell on me in class for like ripping ass or something? No, I would never. Really? No way. I wouldn't tell on you. I feel like I'd be like eating crayons or something and you'd fucking like-- Well, if you're farting colors, I might be concerned. Really? Yeah. Because you hate gay people. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You fart black or white? Like me. I farted out fucking like six different colored crayons. You're like a fucking hate gay. Johnny's gay. And he smells because he's gay. Dude, you're not wrong, man. Yeah. But yeah, dude, I mean like last time I saw you do, I was getting like molested by that woman. You were getting molested. You didn't do anything, man. You just watched the whole time. This is part of the problem. But that's just more evidence that I wouldn't tell on you. I don't speak up. If I see it wrong, I just let it go. What did you think was going on? Because I was waiting for someone to save me, dude. And just to clarify, I wasn't actually-- I was borderline getting molested in like a non-consexual way by a blonde woman. Well, she had some cans. And she was-- Yeah. You're not even looking. You were too scared, though. You were so scared, dude. You were like a deer in the headlights. You couldn't even see the cans. I was so scared, dude. Yeah. And I know you love a good can. I know, I thought I had like the fucking-- You're the cycling man. I know, dude. You loved it, dude. I didn't even look at him, bro. No. She-- for real had cans. Well, what I really thought was happening is like, I think everyone was excited except for you. Everyone was like, oh, Johnny's getting me. You know, somebody did some girls coming out. You guys thought I was getting pussy. Exactly. Oh, shit. Yeah. Wow. Because I think of you as a pussy-giddin, pussy-looking-four kind of guy. For real? For real. You think I-- Just like I'm a mayonnaise, man. You think I fucking around with roast beef and shit? Yeah. Like, if you saw me on the street waddling around, you'd be like, wow, that guy gets pussy. I'd be like, he thinks about it a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Gits is another question. It's a different fucking realm. He thinks about it a lot. Yeah, man. I was genuinely scared, bro. Like, I'm not really like a dude who gets scared often. You know? The only thing I fear is God, homie. Right. But yeah, dude, that was freaky, bro. Yeah, she was like, you're not going to kill yourself, are you? And I was like, no. Dude, when she started grabbing my arm and shit-- She was stroking on you. Yeah. But, dude, it wasn't weird that she was touching my arm. It was the combination of her touching my arm and the shit she was saying. Right. She was like, you're not going to kill yourself, are you? And she was like, caressing my arm. Yeah. I was like, now I am. The big 13 reasons why-- No, not the 13 reasons. The girl who told the-- Is that 13 reasons? The girl who told her boyfriend to get back in the car, pussy? You know who I'm talking about? I've seen the girl. The kid who killed himself. No, no. Right. It's a little different. It's basically the same thing. It's just like a synopsis. Right. Yeah. It's a spark notes. Yeah, it's not the whole arc. But yeah, there's a story where this kid was going to kill himself, Johnny something. And he was texting his girlfriend or whatever, this lady that he liked. Yeah. And she told him to get back in the car. He was in the-- I'm telling this horribly. She was in the garage. He was in the garage. So this is like an emotional drama. Yeah, this is tough. Yeah. He was in the garage, filling it up with monoxide. He's like, I'm going to kill myself. And she's like, yeah, great. You've always wanted to. And then he's like, never mind, I'm scared. I'm getting out of the car. And she's like, get back in. And then she got tried for murder. Holy shit. But that was basically what this girl was doing to you. That was like the chick who told her boyfriend to fucking just do it. Yeah. She was like, fucking flicking her bean. She was like, do it, you little bitch. Exactly. Then he fucking killed himself, dude. Then she came. The second his mortal coil left the earth. I wonder if she got that on video, dude. Like a four K go bro. They're face timing. Like a four K go pro, dude. Yeah. Fucking ACDC's blasting. I went to hell, brother. Yeah, it's a mortal cive to take her life back. She got like six dozen eggs, just putting them in. She's like 30 chickens running around for no reason. People like that are tapped, dude. Like, I don't know about you, man. People want chickens. People who are flicking their bean to suicide. Yeah, I would agree they're tapped. I think that's an astute psychological observation you make. Yeah. A lot of people, dude, I don't know if you feel this way, man, but the longer I'm here, dude, the more I see people. And I'm like, dude, this person's fucking tapped, bro. Like the people who I thought were like, yeah. People I've met who I was like, I was initially like, oh, this person's like pretty chill. Yeah. And then I get to know him. I'm like, well, this person's mentally ill. Yeah. What do you mean? Do you have an example? Just drop names, dude. No, I don't drop names, but just like, dude, like, I'll talk to people sometimes. Even some people will come on the pod, bro, and they'll come on, like, fucked up. Like I'm not like drunk, but they'll be on like pills and shit. Pills. And we'll have a good time, man. And then afterwards-- I was expecting weed. Pills is a little bit much. I just mean like pills for like an illness, like fucking anal, you know? Sorry, man. That just came out. That was bad. That's okay. It just comes out. But no, dude, like a lot of people have like mental illness, man. Of course. And you're still-- You're on like, well, butrin. You're like, these fuck. Yeah. Like, what do you-- Fucked up. I'm like, be gay. Not anymore. Well, that's the thing, man. I don't know any of those prescriptions and shit, you know, like the antidepressants and stuff. That's so funny saying that people were fucked up on pills and it's just prozac. Yeah. They're just trying not to kill themselves. I'm like, dude, these gay people keep coming on my pod. Yeah, I'll be drunk. Drunk will be fine. But they're on like anti-depressants. Yeah. SSRIs. You just find out they're gay when it's too late. It's a real problem. Right. When you're 30 minutes into the pod. You can't turn back now. No. It's not anti-depressants. It's like a lot of... Addy? Addy? Addy. Starts with a V. Vivans. Vicoden. Vicoden. Vicoden. No, not Vicoden. Valium. Valium, no. That's too hard. That's like M&M type shit. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of just like... Yeah. A lot of like ADHD medication that they're not prescribed too much shit. Oh, sure. But like high dosages. Yeah. You know, but like you were saying, man, like you know someone will like tell a joke sometimes and they'll look at you and you're not laughing and they're like, yeah, it's like, dude, I'm not gonna laugh. Right. You know, like I don't have to laugh. Yeah. You know. That's really bad because this loops back to the gettin' fucked up for the pod. How long have you been doing this? A long time, dude. Probably. Probably. Sorry. Five years. Okay. So it's just gonna end soon. Yeah, that's good. Time to wrap it up there. And I'd say so. Yeah. And were you ever, you know, 'cause you're tryin' to, you get on the mic and you want to be fun and you want to be funny and everything and so I feel like people will use substances to do that. Yeah. Have you ever done that? Have you ever dabbled in like, you know, hitting the weed pen or uh, no, I don't hold drinks. We have never done a high. I've had a few beers though. A few beers. Bears are nice. I had about six beers once with my quality of neighbor and we recorded an episode and we did about 40 minutes and then we were like, yeah, man, we gotta start this over. We were just saying like retarded shit. He's big and Spanish all the time. You ever notice? Yeah. I'm like, say that. No. Uh, but yeah, dude, I got fuckin' blasted up and then I went to play golf. And I was just winging as hard as I could, just missing the ball by like six inches. It was one of those days where people, people were like, dude, this kid's hammered. Right. I was missing the ball by like six inches. Missing the ball. Yeah. Yeah. I suck at golf. I'll never, I'll never pursue it. It sucks when you're, like you're giving it your all. Yeah. When you're drunk. You're like sweating dude and like, yeah, you're like, dude, do not fuck this up. Mm hmm. You know. You're stretching. Then you miss by like a legit foot. Yeah. Like people like this guy. That's a problem. You know what I mean? Did you, did you, uh, put that Guatemalan episode out anywhere on the Patreon or anything? This is like four years ago. Gotta put that out. The episode's up there, man. Oh, good. Yeah. Hell yeah. But like four, it was one of those episodes where like you're like, we got us, we can, we can start over. Yeah. You know. Yeah. Um. Um. I am about. Are you big into like substances? Is that what? Is that why you're asking? Uh, kind of, I mean, I'm a, I'm a weed guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't, like what type of activities are you doing on weed? Responding emails. I can't get it through the day. Really? Feel like a casual weed spot. Sometimes casual is a very generous word. Yeah. Uh, I was on the way here. I was, I was thinking like I have an interesting relationship with weed, which is I think a better way to say that you're like addicted, but not ready to admit that. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're at that point. I have an interesting relationship. What would happen if you tried to stop? Uh, it'd be good. It'd be great. Yeah. I mean, I'll take breaks for like a few days and I'll feel amazing. What does it, how does it benefit you? Just mental clarity. Yeah. What do you recall? Like you can just think, like you can make connections. Yeah. The best analogy I can give is if you say your mind is like an, an addict with a bunch of shit in it. Yeah. And when you're constantly smoking and like you recall shitty, your consciousness is just like a light. That's like a candle. Yeah. It's like a teeny, you can see a little bit, but you can't really pull things or oh, there's something over there. But if you're just sober, you get the, all the lights are on. Yeah. You can just see everything and pull from everywhere. Yeah. It's fucking scary, dude. You know? Yeah. It's two months. Yeah. Being sober is like having sex with the lights on, dude. Yeah. You need to be ready for that shit, man. Yeah. You can't just start laughing. I did, I did, uh, this is a while ago, I hooked up with someone and it was just like a hookup. Like I just walked into the where they were and the lights were off and I'd like never met this person and it was a good move because once I saw them, and once I saw their shadowy figure, I was like, this is as good as it's going to go. It's not like lights going to help. Yeah. Dude, I had sex with a fat chick in a completely pitch black room on the hardwood floors. Literally there's no bed. It was just like an empty room. What? Yeah. We're rolling around. Yeah. She's like a shelter. Yeah. She's fucking knocking my breath away, dude. Yeah. And, uh. He knocked the window. Yeah, dude. I'm fucking like literally like, you're so hot. Yeah, dude. She was fucking sitting all over. And I was just like, I wonder what this woman looks like, but dude, I could like feel her. Like I could feel her chubbiness. Yeah. And then at the end, uh. Does that bother you though? If you can't see it because if you maybe feel it's good, maybe feel good until the lights came on. Yeah. And then I was like, holy shit, dude. If someone finds out about this, but if you're just feeling it, it's like a nice yogi bow bean bag. I mean, dude, this trick was like a 250 pound ginger, bro. Looked like a fucking SEC fullback, dude. Wow. Yeah. She had red hair, dude. Wow. And she was like trying to hook up with me on her, uh, her friend's couch. And she just wasn't. But it wasn't sturdy. She like wasn't wearing underwear and was like, she's like opened up her legs. And I was like, I was like, yeah, this isn't the right time. And she was like, I have an idea. And then just brought me into this room, dude. Just pitch black. Couldn't see anything, dude. Yeah. I mean, my eyes adjusted a little bit, but I just felt like just telling Keller just blowing loads. You think Helen Keller came a lot? I think so. I would imagine it was most of what she was doing. Yeah. I mean, I've read some studies, dude, where like these people who were held captive for a while, they, they still jerk off. Yeah. So the one freedom you have. Yeah. Like just instinct. Take that away. Yeah. Like dude, if you would. If you took your dick away, if you were a prisoner of war, you know, a prisoner of, oh, yeah. How old is the one thing you have? How old do you think? How old what? How old would you be when they took your dick away, though? Oh, I just mean it. At least 18. Otherwise you wouldn't be applied. You have to be of military age. What if that's what they did to the hostages over there, took their dicks and clips. I think my new goal is something so weird that you don't even have an answer. I just blacked out. That seems to be the game. Yeah. I just blacked out a little bit of the show. Do you have a name for the studio? No one. No, but back to the dicks and clits thing, dude. Yeah, let's do it. When you said that, dude, I was thinking, you know what fucking, do you know what fucking rip it up even worse? Yeah. Dude, imagine if they like chopped off their dicks and clits and loaded them up in storage bins. Sure. I'm like, I'm there. And then they flew over like a residential like suburban neighborhood and just dropped them. Yeah. Like it's flying on golf courses. Sure. That's real terror. It's terrorism. You imagine. They are free to fill some random guys dick in your mouth. Oh my God. This is what I've been telling you, Sharon. I'm signing up. That'll be wild. I'm going over there. Imagine the news, dude. Yeah. Imagine. They try to spin it somehow. Yeah. Yeah. It'll be wild. Yeah. You ever think about enlisting? No. One time. Dude, I had a girlfriend. She was like a solid 10. That's cool. Nice. And yeah, it was kind of like a make a wish type situation, but I would always kind of fuck with her, dude. And I pretended that I was going into the army. You came back from the Hershey Park trip and you're like, yeah, I did sign up with that guy. He pulled me aside. I saw fucking saving Ryan's private stuff. Let's go, dude. That's a gap. It was important, but I left inspired. Like, dude, I'm going to fuck with this bitch, but dude, I did a when you were in high school, did they do the fucking army reserves type thing where that dude came and tried to recruit like mentally challenged people? No. Now, maybe they rounded all those up separately in a different room and just they're like, yeah, I would just go to this room. It was a hard war with no lights on. Where'd you go to high school? I went to, actually, I went to a private school. Oh, so that guy could be why. That's why. Yeah, that's probably why. Yeah, that's why I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. Yeah. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. I went to high school. It's like it's first period. I have to have this all day. Yeah, that would be fucking hilarious dude. If you like actually You threw a frag during one of those workouts. Yeah, people are doing sit-ups. Yeah Fucking that should be a part of it live. Yeah, have you seen those videos of those people in like I don't even know what country like the Philippines? It's like intense army training like live around its training. Yeah, and if you get up you die Like you're crawling through the mud under razor wire whatever What's up some people pass. Oh, yeah, cuz they're there. You know this in the Philippines. I've done. It's a pea country Philippines pretty chill. It's probably in like North Korea. They got like M60s planted up I don't know it was it was definitely Asian country might have been Thailand or Taiwan or Something but there's just dudes crawl through the mud and then this could also be a scene from a movie Now this was a real video that I saw a guy gets up and they're just shooting live around so they'll fucking clock you Holy shit, you're dead. You're dead that that is that really does bum me out. I don't know if you how old are you? 28, okay, I just turned 30 so I don't know if I'm getting more sentimental in my old age. Yeah, but whenever like You know in a war movie when the guy pops his head. I have a trench and immediately shot. Yeah, that bums me out for sure Yeah, cuz you'd spend all this time training, you know, yeah talk about all the bliss that you're gonna get in the bunker Yeah, right all the all your friends cocks you're gonna suck and stuff And then oh Yeah, you don't even socks when they show all that camaraderie that was built exactly and it's just wasted in that one second for nothing Yeah, I would rather that I'd rather get my fucking head blown off while I'm talking about tits with my boy Though then get like slowly like killed to death. Oh Like like if a fucking North Korean dude crucified me like while I'm naked and shit fucking jerked me off and shit and call me gay Right because they do that dude. They do all that first order of business. Yeah Crucifixions naked dude. They jerk you off and then they like humiliate you dude. Wow You've been looking in North Korea. I mean, this is all on Zone fucking the website What's it called North Korea calm It's called a chatter bait. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I like to go in there. Yeah, man. You go in there I went on once man. This comedian, you know Brendan Sagolo. Yeah Well, he wouldn't stop talking about he was obsessed with it. He was like, dude. You have no idea like so much better than porn, bro So my god, I'm gonna check this out dude. You know, I'm getting I'm spanking dude I hopped on man in the first video I saw it was like a live cam in this this couple. They were like about to like get into it sure and the tokens for some reason do all of them wear like they don't wear they have like a pink fucking like thing in their I don't know what that is. Yeah, it's like a butt plug or something. Yeah, dude She she pulls it out and like shit flies everywhere It's on like the live cam. Yeah, of course and her boyfriend's like not paying attention Yeah, and she's like I gotta go to the bathroom and I was like, holy. This is live dude. Yeah, you just hear all the tokens More more than Dude the chat was so funny Like people were just like do that chick just fucking hurt. She's bored The boyfriend just had like no idea But yeah, man, that kind of messed me up man. Yeah, that is that is messed up Your first chatterbait experience. I'm sorry that happened to you. Yeah, it's gonna take a while for you to get back You can't trust people man. You know, no, but you can't trust Brandon's Yeah, but yeah, man I would rather you would you rather get your head blown off though Or did you think you'd rather like die a slow death where you're like telling your friend like everything you think about him? Like you have like a few last words Cuz that would be funny to say something like like I don't like is offload all the skeletons Yeah, like what do you think you would say dude? If like you and I went to war and like we build a relationship over like three years and get deployed and like You get shot in the fucking dick. Yeah, and you have like a few minutes And I'm just like trying to like call a medic over right and you just have that time to look at my eyes I've been like Johnny. I wish I knew more basic stuff about you. Yeah, like what's your family like not it? That's what you would say dude. You would say funny I'd say we spent a lot of time talking about dicks and come and yeah, and that was really fun But I wish I knew whether you had siblings. I Would if I was in that situation, I would probably just be like pretty quiet dude Uh-huh and then before I don't want to talk right now before I passed dude I just be like come here. Come here like get you up close. Yeah, like I just get up like next to your ear, dude Should be like I'm gay. Yeah, just pass away, dude. That would fuck you up forever, and then I would close your eyes I know Yeah, I'm doing this to beach your balls. Where's the movie doing your ass? There's a movie where some dude gets jerked off Moonlight Really? I don't know. That's what I heard. I'm thinking of a war movie. Oh, dude's like literally about a name Really? Are these all like romantic dramas? They're all gay dramas. Yeah, I think this dude. This is I'm just going Yeah on what's on my bookshelf right now It's my DVD collection. There's a war drama where I got gets jerked off war horse No, I'm like almost positive. There's a the movie where dudes like he's about to pass away And he's telling his boys like dude just fucking jerked me off on last time I think that was in the deleted scenes from Fury That movie's sick. That movie's awesome. Yeah, dude to be with those guys. Yeah, I'll just quote in Bible verses Yeah, as you're about to you ever think about being that religious where you're just ready to like blow up a fucking house Is that how religious they were I'm just thinking to like be able to do Just to take it to the next level just for our Lord and Savior didn't absolutely I was jealous of them in the in the tank I was feeling like I knew that and we know when they're like trading Bible verses in the tank near the end Yeah, and I was like if I was in there, I would have been so embarrassed. I was like well. I guess John 6 3 16 Yeah, you know, yeah, I wouldn't be able to I'm like googling Bible verses Best verses just making shit up The Lord cometh yeah, and he said it was good. It's egyus piss. It's egyus My favorite books is egyus I don't know that one. Yeah, it's kind of an obscure one. You just start quoting like a gangbang quotes Up to the ending And then that's what happens like it's been serious until that point right. Yeah. Yeah, well, that's the twist That's the sweet twist some do like reenacts the serenity prayer and you're just like You're like fuck my little. Yeah, you like that You're the girl and I'm the huge black dude Oh, yeah, you were dirty girl, dude. That would be funny if you if you threw a frag in the tank fuck me a little pussy They start like rolling the credits. Yeah Yeah, that would be a fucking critically It would be sweet to have one of those dudes in war, you know, the guys who come up for the randos when there's a newscaster It's like fuck her in the pussy. That'd be funny if there was a guy like that in war I think there is yeah, then probably is for sure you just don't hear about his story because you know history isn't written by that guy Yeah, he doesn't he doesn't have the credentials to get his shit out now. He just lives his life Yeah, they fucking hate guys like that dude. Yeah, like the the New York Times and shit. Yeah, I Just the war reporters. Do you watch any like vice documentaries or anything like that? I used to I don't that much anymore Yeah, they used to be fucking legit dude. Yeah, they went to like North Korean shit. Yeah, this guy again Tell me no you should move there. No, you should visit. Can you you can't visit. Yeah, they wouldn't let me do it No, you need to know someone dude. Yeah, I also think they hide a lot of what's going on there when you visit You know for sure. Yeah, my my uncle's Gay uncle got my grandpa into Cuba because he was married to a Cuban guy You have to take a boat there. No, they flew you can fly into like Mexico and then have a kind of like from Mexico to cute You can't fly direct. Yeah, maybe you can now there was a woman who swam to Cuba from Florida. Whoa? Yeah, like a six trans she was a lesbian. I'm pretty sure okay She had like a full bush and like didn't pay her taxes and they were like we're gonna put you out there and like see what happens Mm-hmm. She likes to swim with sharks, dude Just ate them all out. That was her punishment from the IRS. We're not paying your taxes or she had your bush I don't think they knew she was a lesbian that they threw in the water and say you got to go that way. Yeah, yeah They probably she'd like legit like no joke do the swim from Florida to Cuba. That's nuts. Yeah She made it. Yeah, she lives in Cuba now. I think so. Yeah, but she came back to the U.S. She's like guys I wonder if she swam back. Yeah, that'd be sick. If she's had like a fucking cheeseburger and was like, oh, yeah Yeah, it's nice cuz like it's Cuban cheeseburger. That's like going to war dude Like I wonder what her body looked like after that. It's just like fucking jellyfish things. Oh, yeah Yeah, the bush is spread to like her stomach. Well, I feel like the bush would protect her, dude Yeah, absolutely. But all the jellyfish were kind of like back off a little bit It's almost like a defense mechanism, dude. Yeah, they're like maybe in the 80s. Yeah Women's getting fucking cocked down. No, dude. Like I wonder what her husband looks like Like do you think a woman like that has a husband who's like a fucking like a you know like a general or like her husband attacks dodging lesbian? Probably not. It's probably either your husband's like a fucking works out like fucking Ikea or some shit I'd like to work at Ikea. Yeah, yeah to have a wife like that too. Yeah to work at Ikea and be like My wife swam from fucking Florida. My wife was cast into the sea. Yeah, and she swam as you made it to Cuba. That would be that's a great Yeah, all the other employees are like like that's what you want man. Like, you know people who have like a Like a simple job, but their significant other is like legit. Oh, yeah, that's that sounds like the dream I hope that's me. Yeah, hope I got this. What do you like? What would you want in a world like a woman? Like if you could marry Maybe like a WNBA player or something. That'd be cool. Yeah, that'd be cool. Who's that one the famous Caitlyn Clark? Yeah Yeah, that'd be nice. I wonder what she's like next. It looks kind of What I had an X that looked pretty similar to Caitlyn Clark. Oh, really? What do you think about that? I don't know dude, and she kind of looks like Anne Frank, dude Really like a modern day Anne Frank. Yeah, that's what I think interesting. She gives off those vibes, dude Yeah, a little sassy dude, you know, really competitive quiet. Yeah, it doesn't give up easily like she's really right She has all the traits, man. Yeah, all those Frank traits. Yeah. I don't know man. Caitlyn Clark Just I feel like if you were in a relationship with her, she'd be like too competitive about everything. You'd be like, hey Yeah, I don't I wouldn't want an athlete. I think I think I might want like a I Don't know like you know on those reality shows when they bring in like the sex boot And it's like this hot like mixed race lady with huge knockers and she's I'm talking about one reality shows, but it was like I was a call. There was a it's like a couple to Thrupple His couples went on and try to do stuff. There's like public is public. Okay information. You know what channels are Max, okay for prime. All right It's a crazy show. They try to just like incorporate a third into their So there's unmatched singles and then there's couples that come on to the show Yeah, and then they try to all you know, they pick which singles they want and This super hot sex lady came on and just was like to help in a map sex. So she's giving them advice. Right. Yeah, she watch No, I don't think so, but I don't know, you know, you don't see everything. Yeah So I mean right now is a sex therapist. So all I need is for her to get famous and then I'm done. Oh shit Yeah, yeah, yeah, wait So how does that work you just sit down with the people who are having trouble and kind of they like because you're only going off their Word, you're not really seeing what's going on. Yes, it's not like you're studying film. Yeah, that's true She should make them submit tapes. Yeah, like we do for comedy. Yeah, we're just like five minutes of me Fumbling around my wife's pussy. Yeah, what do you think a little bit of film study? Yeah, you know, she can study like your strokes Like your different tendencies and shit. Absolutely. It's like all she's going off of is like your word of mouth Right. She's like you need you need to put more power in the hamstring. You know, you need to really attack Yeah, she's teaching you fucking some fucking like Secret shit some unknown fucking finger magic. Yeah, she'll prescribe the people masturbate. She'll like tell people the jerk off She will for real. Yeah, cuz like no No, she's like wait till we're done That'd be sick. I I love the hustle. I love the enthusiasm. Yeah, but put it away She tells them to jerk off just to get ready for war Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah You don't want to go into battle with a full load So is this is the same girl is at the comedy festival when I showed her that I was doing your pocket She's like, oh hit this guy. I love him. Yeah. Yeah, fuck. Yeah, dude. Yeah, so she's showing you all the fucking magic tricks, dude Well, I don't know about that. Yeah, okay. All the magic. All right. I dig the confidence dude. Yeah, I'm about that You know, I got a lot you think you've like improved since you met her Or do you kind of like not let that work life getting it getting away Improves since I met her is a good question. Maybe maybe actually. Yeah. Yeah You just fucking breaking the door down. Do you just shooting a paintball guy? We go through like a one-door week Yeah, just wearing a fucking Star Wars helmet. Mm-hmm. Boba Fett Drumline she's dressed up like Jar Jar Banks. It's crazy. Yeah, it's nuts. That's what I had from Jar Jar Yeah, you're so big if I knew my girl was a sex therapist That's what I would do. Mm-hmm. Just a fuck with her. Like first time we have sex dude Just fucking break down the door dude and start shooting a paintball gun at the ceiling. Yeah, maybe throw like a frag And she'd be like, so what was going on when you were doing that? It was like this is what I usually do Really like this is just a warm-up. Yeah, I don't want to yuck your yum. Yeah, she gets out her paintball gun You know, what's not funny, dude? No, you ever you ever have like a thought that's like not funny But you think about it like all the time. Sure. I used to have like this what if situation I would run by people and like not circle jerks But like circular conversations I'd be like do you imagine if I was about to have sex with a chick and I just took out an AK-47 and Just shot up the whole room Just shot up everything, but I hear besides her. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah. Yeah That's an us versus the world type of situation. Yeah, like look anything everything can burn, but you yeah And I'll be like you're romantic. Don't you guys think that's funny? I didn't know you're so romantic. I think it's touching. I think it's sweet You hit everything besides her. Mm-hmm. You're just like this is you're like just it's just a warm-up Take out the frag that the guy gave you when you were 12 here or whatever That'll be a wild like therapist story, dude Yeah, she has like trauma and she's trying to spin So where was the AK-47? I was under his bed. I guess I don't know You see normal that would probably be a commercial for like better help. Yeah, yeah Yes, what you're going to want to do is text someone about this. Yeah, so like you just started blindfiring with a boner. Yeah That sounds hard He's taking shit How many better help therapists you think are actively taking shits is there like talking people off the ledge? Oh, did all of them? Yeah, yeah, it's got to be That's got to be like for therapists with IBS. They just can't make all those chat and fucking things They're all fucking ass wipes, dude. Yeah. Yeah, I called a guy from RCN a fucking homo from what RCN like our Wi-Fi Oh, sure through the chat. There was a news network. I was like you guys are fucking gay. You got to get through the chat Other RCN guys pop in they're like oh It's gonna be so hard not to get mad. Yeah people are just talking shit. Yeah Yeah, like okay, so would you like to cancel? Mm-hmm. I understand your frustration with me being so gay Have you ever worked at customer service? I used to work at Bank of America. Okay. Were you in the chat? No, I didn't know you're gay I didn't even I fucking failed an exam and I got a bit of a chat privilege Well, dude, I've ripped ass during one of those tiny sessions And I took a video of it and everyone found out was it a crayon rip. I have it on video, dude. Yeah. Yeah, I can show it You have to this I'd love to see it. Dude. It was a fucking dime. I ripped it so on And no one laughing except for this one kid. How many people were sorry? What was the situation? You were in You have to yeah, we're back from America like after college dude You would have to pass like the series 7 exam and like a bunch of like life insurance has yeah I passed you failed cuz you farted no, I passed the series 7 and then you had to take a life insurance exam Okay, the way now I passed that I failed the series 6 exam. Okay series 66 It's like this really boring exam Yeah, and they usually give people another shot is they're like paying for you. They're investing a lot of like timing But they found out that I was like fucking around in the study room I'm like ripping ass and stuff and one day this girl was like talking about the news She said something about like BBC I was like like big black cock. Yeah, I said it like out loud Dude like I was just being retarded sure so like word got out and like they found they were like yeah We were like they gave that chick another shot and they just fired me Were we talking about again though customer service customer. Yeah, when I walked in the Bank of America You'd have to walk by the chat section and do they all look suicidal, bro Like they're like known for being like cuz call centers like suicidal But chats like even like where really yeah interesting, you know, it's crazy man The happiest people in the call center actually the people who would take fucking like Like not what does it call like when people like a state planning like when people pass away and they have to call in and be like hey Like I'm the beneficiary of like this. Yeah, of course. They're gonna be the happiest Well, they get paid more but they have to well They also get to they're also like you're on the phone people just like had a some pass away. Yeah, and that's like Kind of great news because now you have this estate. Yeah that you had get to make all this well Yeah, it's like it's a congrats. You've won your grandma shit. Yeah, you know you won your grandma died sweepstakes Yeah, that actually makes sense. Yeah. Yeah the chat though. They're coming into a lot of money. Yeah How about you? Would you work in? I was in sales for a while for real. We're selling like the language translation services and shit Like fucking Rosetta Stone and shit Like like it was a network of people that you would have Go translate stuff. I had a I was like a shepherd and I had a bunch of you would like outsource the translators for sure Yeah, holy shit. Yeah, what would people need translators for everything? You know these posters Would you do it for like back from Erica? Like they had a call trans like a translator We did over the phone interpretation. We did chat translation and we did yeah We did just like website stuff. Did you ever like hook up the wrong translator like some ladies looking for like a Spanish translator? You just like put a fucking Russian dude over that would be the client's fault because they're the ones who press the buttons. All right. Yeah, yeah Okay, so you says you have no money. I don't know. I'm sorry Sorry, you sure your dad is dead. Yeah, that would be funny if they did If they hooked up like a Latin translator for like an English call. Yeah, some ladies like husband just passed away Because Latin like dead like the exorcist type. Oh, that's pretty to dominate. Yeah, like the dead language. Yeah. Yeah That'll be fucking funny that Latin went from this like Roman like Empire language Yeah, it's a dead like to like what the devil talks like how the devil speaks I think that's no the devil was a Italian Dude, I took like a week of Latin in college. Oh, yeah, I dropped the class immediately dude. Yeah, what'd you learn my teacher look like fucking? Like a legit lesbian dude Dude, it was a dude. He had like he didn't look like a lesbian to be honest. He looked like a sorcerer, man Oh, okay, just one of those dudes like you could tell he was hooking up with some of the students Yeah, cuz they had that using his powers for evil Yeah, cuz when you were in school did they have that thing where you could look up the professors like reviews and shit Yeah, right my professor. Yeah, I was thinking like this dude was like kind of good looking like duty at hair That like went down to his balls and shit and yeah, I'm thinking there was so many hot chicks in the class Yeah, the wizard man. I'm thinking they just looked at that side and they were like, let's get it Yeah Cuz he was just like yeah, this language is dead like it's not gonna help you with anything. Oh, he shot straight Yeah, I mean they literally called the dead language. Yeah, you know, I mean I think a lot of those chicks probably just wanted it for like sexual purposes sure Latin Yeah, I could speak dirty in Latin. Yeah, maybe fucking cast some spells on some balls and weiners. Yeah, of course I mean why else would you take some hardening spells? Yeah, that would be funny if they did that during it like an orientation I'm just look. There's like yeah, I'm just looking to fucking cast some spells on some Cox and shit. Yeah Oh, you're gonna want to go to Latin 101. Yeah, that's the fucking cast some spells on that pussy. Yeah, it's the cocks horse to recluse. Yeah, yeah Yeah, he brought something up that one teacher Latin teacher oh I had an English teacher in eighth grade who was a real weirdo. He had like a Jet-black ponytail. He looked like Steven Seagal. Yeah, yeah, he did but like if he was really into elves Okay, like he knew you know the language in Lord of the Rings like the elven elvish whatever He like knew that language really like he could speak it. He could write it. He made a teacher in English Yeah, we all had that we made his own chain mail Yeah, we've all had that teacher. Yeah, it's always English man. Yeah Yeah, man. We had a a teacher like that. But he was always weird Mr. White. Yeah, no that adds up. Yeah Gandalf. Yeah, we had a teacher who He thought I was retarded I'm sensing a theme. No, no joke dude. This guy thought I was like legit retarded. Yeah, I'm not even kidding Yeah, and it made me so upset that one day we were reading this book dude It's it's called the things they carried that's like a war book and it's like really sentimental Sure, and I didn't read the book and he's like walking around and he's just asking each like table Like what they carry on a day-to-day basis, dude Uh-huh and no joke dude He asked me what I carry on a day-to-day basis and I screamed at the top of my lungs these big old balls Could have retired make a joke like that Dude, and he started like cracking up. That's great Dude, I thought this one kid was gonna like pass away I have so in this English class with mr. White this kid. I was like a good kid, you know I'm tattling on people ripping ass. I'm a good kid like a good student and shit Yeah, I was a good student and I was like, you know, you were like a hard-o or you think just like a good No, it wasn't a hard-o just so I just like did the work. Yeah, I was just like a good like respectful. You were respectful Yeah, yeah, so he sat me next to this guy I want to see his real name cuz Whatever doesn't it doesn't really matter. Let's just call him like Hank Hank Jenkins. Yeah real estate and Hank would he later got found out he lit sorry arrested for like flashing teachers homes Like he like found out where certain teachers lived he'd pull up in his car Yeah, oh shit and like get out go up to the window like while they reading dinner just like Jesus. Yeah, wild man. So I was sitting next to this guy to like tame him. Yeah, you know, and one day We were he did he did two crazy things. We're reading of mice and men, you know, you know You know in the very end when he shoots spoiler when he shoots Lenny in the head And we're watching the movie. He just goes boom headshot whole class explodes Yeah And then another time must have been like and and at that point they're like all right Zack you got to sit next to Hank and maybe cool and cool him off help others words and He had a hole punch. Mm-hmm. You know one of those like old hole punches that collected all the little flakes Yeah, you know and one day he just took it in the middle of class threw it up in the air and All the flakes ran down. He just yelled at snowing. Yeah, he's just like a crazy. It wasn't even that funny It was just like very disruptive no no no really no just like he's wiling. Yeah He was just a wild kid, so they thought you would like tame a little bit. Yeah, I don't know why yeah What am I supposed to do? Yeah, what it just good? No, don't don't we even try we even trying at all to like let like get to know Yeah, no, I liked him like we we like we didn't hang out outside school But like in class where you know yeah, I'm not avoiding him at all But what about what am I gonna do just through osmosis? He's gonna become a stable human being. Yeah, I wonder what was going on at home I don't know dude. Probably bad stuff. They were doing like some sorcery and shit. Maybe as mom. I think took latin That's cool. That same teacher. Yeah, he lived on a it was like a haunted road Yeah, and my people thought it was like legit haunted dude. So the I have one of those in my name. Yeah With like one abandoned house that looks like it's been abandoned a little too long So there's maybe some fogged up everyone thought the road was haunted and the houses. Okay. Oh the road itself Yeah, I had a friend who smoked a lot of weed dude And he said he like broke down on the road and all of his windows started fogging up And I'm like dude, maybe that's cuz you hotboxed your car But yeah, this dude would like he was He definitely smoked a lot of weed, but he was like a really smart dude He's exhaling he's like It's too high all the windows are up. Yeah, dude. I can't see So funny to get so high you think you're being watched it You look in the mirror your eyes are red. You're like it's in me. Yeah, you'll fish boy your car dude and call the cops Yeah, you're like there's a fucking girl. You call a paranormal investigator Looking through the yellow pages Bring some homemade equipment. You call the insurance company, dude. Yeah You call guy go One of haunted road. Can you guys come pick me up? Dude, I remember getting that high, dude I mean, I kind of missed that dude. Do you know you're not a you're not a weed guy? I used to be man. I just got really stoned I just like wanted to get high in cars man like fishbowl them and listen to classic rock. It's great I just play the what if game that's super fun But as I got older man people kind of like moved on yeah past that I wish I wish cuz I was kind of a good kid growing up Yeah, I didn't do Didn't you drugs or drink or anything you started recently When I was 20 all right, but that's pretty late for some people like I didn't drink or smoke Until I was pretty average I would say you think so you were like in college. Yeah Like I didn't do anything in high school, you know, it's pretty normal. I feel like yeah I don't know it feels like everyone I talked to they're like yeah, I was you know I was getting high or drunk whatever 16. Yeah, that's way too early man. What were you doing it though? Fishbowl and probably a junior in high school saw 17 That would yeah, that's inappropriate at 16 too young You know wait a year buddy your brain's not ready. So was I you wish wish I got out of my system more, you know Yeah, man. I know for a fact it for sure fucks you up when you Yeah, like cuz your brain's developing. It's true. I'm grateful for that if I could go back I definitely would have smoked less weed because I like never knew what the fuck was going on. Yeah I'm grateful for that that I didn't fuck up my development. Yeah, but back then I don't think weed had as many chemicals in it You know now weed has like a fuck ton of chemicals in it, and I'm just like dude if you take one hit you're just fucking gone Yeah, you're talking about the tricones. Yeah, dude. It's crazy glister heads But yeah, man I wish we could go back and just like feel what it's like to get high for the first time again Those are so fun cuz everyone was like dude first time you get high you don't feel anything But I remember being in this like 10 with my Asian friend. Yeah watching family guy dude Dude, he set up this everything this area in his backyard. He had like a he had like a deck And you know how there's always like an area under a deck. Oh, yeah, then it was like in his backpack yards Was like isolated under the deck dudes. We went under the deck and that's a dude He set up like tarps. Yeah closed off the area. Yeah hooked up a fucking TV dude. That's sick made like a man cave Dude, so literally you're in it. You're sitting on dirt. Yeah, I mean we're sitting on fucking lawn chairs I think oh great put on family guy dude like he had a TV set up like a whole man Like I was comfortable man. That's great, but he was like yeah, man Like you're not gonna get high and like dude you had like three blunts and I remember on like the third blunt dude I remember that feeling dude. Yeah, where I just started fucking laughing like a hyena Yeah, and I was like dude. This is not real life man. Yeah, I remember eating fucking Dude, we got some cool ranch Doritos and some salsa dude And the salsa fell on the tarp. We were laying on the ground for some reason I just started eating the salsa off the tarp. I Hate the whole thing that you know, I just didn't care. That's the perfect thing to spill salsa on though. You know, yeah a tarp Yeah, it retains. Yeah, it's not seeping through. Yeah. I mean if it if it did the basically eating it out of the jar You think if you were stoned and it hit like some grass you think you'd go for it if you were like super. Yeah grass not dirt Yeah, how much I mean the dirt's under the grass dude. No the grass keeps no the grass is the barriers I guess we're talking about like some legit grass than like some scotch turf grow or something Yeah, really some serious grass like a sprinkler system type grass. Yeah. Yeah, like a like a like a Globally irresponsible. Yeah like some thick shit grass. Yeah. Yeah, like you'd be arrested if you had this grass in California You think you'd do the same thing though. Like if you drop some mild salsa, you'd fucking just go for it to this day So over right now. No, if you were hi, it's yeah, really I think so How much also do I have left in the jar whole thing dude? No I Thought that was all the sauce that there was I thought it was that sauce or no salsa Oh, no, I didn't know there was also like the whole thing fell out and I was like I'm eating this whole thing the whole jar I was eating this all for like an hour dude. Yeah, sure. It's having the time. I like you're like what's all natural Yeah, I mean everyone just watch the weeds from the earth. Yeah, it's also on the earth. Yeah. I'm from yeah. You're all connected. Yeah Yeah, miss you were turning the Gaia. Yeah. Yeah, was your like a first experience though when you got high was it like a good one? Or do you just like not? Yeah, yeah for the most part they were they were all good Yeah, it interacts with my brain in a good way like I know some people well for the most part actually recently it hasn't been I'm learning but uh for the most part. It's like I enjoy it more than drink. You never go like paranoid or anything No, I not now. It's more like self-hating thoughts. Yeah of like you suck and You know you're stupid and not good at comedy. It's a lot of that on yeah So that's having me reconsider things Um that's cool though, man, you know that like I feel like most people who are really intelligent They have like an okay time with weed, but people who are stupid. I just feel like it makes them fucking dumber I mean, I think it makes everybody dumber and it makes and it makes me dumber Uh, I mean I've talked to this. I don't want to get too much into this But I if it's boring, but I've talked about this in therapy where it's like I identify as someone who uh You know can just like have a conversation. Yeah, and like that's something I really like about but you know Have a fun back and forth, but then weed like inhibits that So in doing that it like takes me away from myself. It's like you're kind of like living in your mind a little bit Uh kind of but I'm not it's like I'm not embodying my own mind It's like it's like once I smoke and I get dumber Then I feel more removed from myself because I like identify as someone who uh, I did You know what I mean can like can have a normal fun conversation And then so when I start misfiring if I'm high and like I can't think of stuff Yeah, you know, then I'm like, oh fuck the part that I like about myself isn't even present Yeah, and that's why it's like self-loathing stuff. I feel that dude, you know, yeah, man. I would never be able to have a conversation stoned I'd be like, did you guys see bone or farts? Like I would I remember those those moments where people will have like uh, they're like john just say grace thanksgiving I remember those like pretty sure boner farts from one of you fuck Like have you ever found yourself though like people are having like a serious talk in their stone and you're just kind of like chime in Like fucking poop You try to throw in a little silly boy energy in there. That's all I ever did. They're like, whoa, whoa talking to palestine, bro Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, that's crazy. Man that people get stoned and have like legitimate conversation. That's insane dude. You gotta check that at the door Yeah, let's put on some fucking arios speed wagon and fucking jerk each other off Yeah, one of them. That's what I would say after someone talked about like a family member that passed away right in ukraine Good delivering aid The fucking village got bombed. Mm-hmm. I'm like put on some acd seal. Let's get fucking yeah, it's like american dad I uh um I had I had one really bad weed experience because I was so used to hitting from this pen this like clogged pen And so I really had to like And so I was I was in that mindset yeah, boss and uh I went over to my friend's house. He had a bong And I ripped the bong with the same velocity as I'd been ripping the pen. I took the bong and I was like Made me cough now I cough for I'm not kidding 15 minutes. Oh, I like looked at the clock and I was still like After 15 minutes and my girlfriend at the time Was being very I'm in the bathroom. I'm sitting on the toilet Just kind of like letting like My pants down like spitting between my balls because you know like pre-throw up you like just like spit a lot So I'm just like try I'm hitting my balls with my spit dude. My girlfriend. Huh? It was that bad. Holy shit Well, it was just such a big hit. Yeah, and it's my I'm spinning. It's like I'm so high from one hit though I'm spinning. I'm spinning from one And uh, my girlfriend has her hand on my knee and I'm like that can't touch me too much can't touch and then we have to uber home And this is where it really gets dicey because if ever I don't know about you, but I get like car sick when I With we get certain smell, especially if the windows are it's the motion. Oh, really? No, I'm the windows up with windows windows up is worse But it's literally like a seasickness because my my inner ear of the balance something's off When I get really really high and I get in the car. Yeah, uh, so I'm having to throw so I'm I'm just like like Convalescing uh Uh like the windows open. I'm trying to feel the breeze and just stay grounded and then I have to throw up It's not happen. I'm also farting the entire time. I'm my my stomach is so full again. We went over a bridge I farted the whole bridge. It's just far enough. It's crazy. Yeah. Well, I was like I get it out, you know I got badness in me. I gotta get it. I got a exercise whatever I can yeah and We got like five blocks from my apartment And I'm like I gotta throw up so we I get out I uh stumble over to the curb. I kind of I don't even really throw up. Yeah, which is embarrassing When you get out to throw up and you don't even throw up I'm trying to make myself throw up. I'm like no, I got one in there and uh And I'm sitting down and I just hear I wore glasses at the time and I had my glasses were resting on my knee And I'm like what are my glasses? And then I just hear the biggest Like crunch. Uh-huh. Just crink, crink, crink. Yeah My glasses were flattened in the middle of the road by the uber that I just got out of Like they fell under the car and then the guy just drove off. Oh, fuck. They fall under the car I don't know or maybe it was a different car that came, but whatever was my glasses were in the road for room out the window I'll be able to see i'm pretty sure after all this After this ordeal, um And then I had and we're still five blocks from my apartment. I had to get another uber Yeah, I like couldn't even walk. Holy shit one bomb hit kids. Don't don't do bombs after that Were you uh like traumatized from weed or did you have like uh Not from weed. You were like run it back or were you just like Not just from bongs. Yeah Uh because I knew what I did, you know Yeah, I don't think i'm someone who will write write everything off just because it's one bad experience I'm like well, obviously this is my fault. Yeah, I hit a bong like it was a clogged pen That's a huge mistake I'm spitting on my own balls. I get in an uber. These are all mistakes I had a girlfriend huge mistake Dude I used to pick uh pete like my boys up and my truck dude like this fucking big ass dodge ram Yeah, it was gray dude to head head flames on it Nice and add a subwoofer system in the back under the seats dude So the the truck would like shake. Yeah, dude So we pick up like two chicks And i'm with like two of my friends and uh one of them's in the back And we like fishbowled the truck and I put on like the rolling stones Like full volume and I just i'm high as tits dude I just turn around Like while we're driving and I go yo ladies Don't get an orgasm My friend do my friend laughed so hard that he legit pissed himself That feels good It's a good feeling. He was like came back. Can you turn the volume? Like yeah, dude. He said dude, can you just bring me home? The girls are like no i'm gonna come but not to come dude the girls were so upset But I remember him being even more upset. I thought he was upset with me, dude But he just he told me afterwards. He's like dude I had to go because I pissed my pants and it smelled like piss [laughter] That's funny to make so everyone's copying his tits and it just smells like piss Yeah, and like the car shaking. Yeah Yeah, man. It was tough. Dude. I felt bad for him But did the girls laugh and so hard that he like legit pissed. Yeah, did the girls laugh? No, that's why he was laughing No sense That's a good. That's true. That's a good cover. It is funny, but it's better that they're not laughing. Yeah, no, they were straight feet Yeah, that was pretty much my whole life. Why would I come? Yeah, it was just such a dumb thing to yell. Yeah, it was probably the weed though, dude Yeah, because like I was so high that I was like oh these chicks are gonna laugh so hard at this. Were they high? Yeah, they were probably traumatized, dude. Yeah. Yeah, damn [laughter] Imagine a dude who like legit looks retarded Yelling yo as don't don't get an orgasm and you're screaming down the highway Yeah, and then the music starts playing and you just like feel Like the seat shaking. Mm-hmm. It's got to be so confusing. Oh, this is before the music Yeah, I yelled that and then blasted the music Yes It was like the it's like the rolling stones dude. It was like fucking classic rock They like didn't even listen to it. How'd you meet the they didn't even appreciate it It was like it was one of the hottest chicks in our school dude. It was like we're with like smoke shows High school. Yeah, and they agreed to like hang out with us. Oh, I see It was one of those experiences where they're like I don't know why they were hanging out with us probably because my friends. My friends were like better looking Yeah, and uh, I think they kind of like wanted free weed. So Yeah, you you had weed in the cool truck. Yeah, we're just gonna high as tits. Yeah, you know, they're like, I don't want to just take a drive Probably wanted to give my friend like a hand job or something, dude, but I yeah I mean, you fucking get you got them first. Yeah Sorry ladies kind of intercepted that one It's like I made something come out of his head. Have you ever been high though? Like when your boys are like, hey, make you drop me off That would crush me dude. It was such an emotional moment. I was dude. I got so sad I would be I would be crushed. Yeah, cuz you just never wanted to go man No, I remember like trying to drop off some of my friends sometimes and they were like all right one more One more ride around the block. You know, of course There's always an emotional moment, dude. Yeah, like all right, man. Have a good night. Yeah, your boat's just high You gotta go back to like life I gotta wake up without your buddy. Then you just go in the house students like fucking drink a gallon of milk and shit Yeah You know to try to kill yourself dude. Have you ever gotten stoned by yourself? Yeah all the time really yeah, cuz I remember I did that one time dude. It was one of the best moments in my life Especially if you're hanging out with a dog Can I tell you this is very embarrassing that I said to myself I was in my apartment in uh Somerville, Massachusetts um and uh I was in just in my room smoking a bowl and again. I didn't do any of this. This is a kid Yeah, and uh, I'm listening to kias. You know kias. No, do you know queens of the stone age? No, what genre of music is this? Uh It's like alternative rock kind of but kias. It's kind of like stoner rock. It's very groovy and like a little song just seven minutes and nice riffs Yeah, riff city. Okay. You ever been I've been a roof city. Yo, yeah city of birth Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're the mayor of riff city mayor. It's don't yeah, it's my security answer for a lot of my questions I'm the mayor of titty city dude. Oh nice. I've never been I've heard it's nice. Yeah, good roads. Good bike lanes titty city Oh, anyway, so I'm smoking and uh Smoking I'm listening to this like stoner desert rock band. Yeah, and uh, I'm just having the best time I'm just you know, I have one of these rugs, but my my uh socks are off into my toes are just like in the rug I'm smoking. I'm listening to the I'm just head banging and I'm like If he hit the grid me could see me now. I said that Do myself. I was like, I bet he wouldn't think I'm where I am right now. Oh my yeah, it was so Embarrassed, but it was you know, I was below. Yeah, just use it. Why not? Yeah, you know I think I even I mean this is I have this video actually somewhere I know it's on a computer of uh because sometimes I would just get super high and listen to music and just like Really go hard at like air drumming and air guitar. Uh-huh. You wouldn't videotape yourself. I actually did I did. I did. Yeah, because I wanted to see and I would yeah like I was like pre tick tock I did that with metal songs. I did that with notes with what I would get really high and then I would write down my thoughts No, okay, and dude. I got high alone and I was in my bathroom, dude And I had this thoughts. I did comedy at that age And I literally wrote down in my notes dude next time you go on stage yell vagina As if your life depends on it Like I literally wrote that But I was like I was like adamant about it. Was this an opener like anytime during the step? Right right off the bat like don't even ask anyone how they're doing And I remember writing that known being like dude just make sure you yell it as if like you're about to die You know what I mean? Like Be very passionate about it. Yeah, and I was like people will laugh Yeah, and then I remember reading at the next day and be like holy shit Like there was a moment in time where I believed in that. Right. Yeah, of course It's all just so interesting when you're high. I would like go out of my room to get to like make a meal and everything's funny, man Yeah, everything's fun. Everything's meaningful I would come into my room with like just like heated up leftovers and I felt like a fucking Ork returning to his cave with a little fresh hobbit to nibble on I felt so accomplished You know, and it's just just like dragging a kill back to the cave. It's less stressful when it's just you Yeah, you know, yeah, nobody nobody's watching. You're not worried. I hope not. Yeah Yeah, man if I ever smoke weed again, I think it'll just be by myself Yeah, you know, maybe it's going like a little adventure Yellow inter-exploration. Yeah, man. I remember eating box when I was high once how that go It felt like I was eating like a rotisserie chicken dude that wouldn't end. Yeah, it was like unlimited chicken It just felt like forever. Yeah, you know, it just felt like I was like I like literally went to the supermarket dude and just like stuck my face and the machine But like the machine. Yeah, the rotisserie chicken machine. Yeah with the spit thing Yeah, yeah as if like heat wasn't an issue like I just kept running my face through all those dude Sounds like a gay man's hell. Yeah It was weird, man. It felt like I was like a fisherman, but I wasn't right. You know what I mean? Yeah You like to fish? Yeah Do you it felt like I was fishing, but I just like never dude you want to hear something crazy sure dude I'll tell you the story then we'll end it, but sure Do one of the first times I ever got high on a school night. I was with these uh, I was with these twins Uh, Nick and Ben. Okay, and we would fish in this cove like in the reservoir, dude And uh, it was like a wednesday night. So I know I knew I had school like the next day, dude So we like take a bunch of bong rips and we start casting out and we're all like next to each other And dude, I'm like I'm like fucking holy shit. Dude. I got I got a big one, you know Because I like I see it like I see the fish Then my friend next to me dude. He's like dude. I fucking got one like he's yelling fish on because like river monsters was big back then And he's just like dude. This fish is so fucking big dude. Like he's like reeling in like saves It's like Literally, he's putting his life on the line to reel this fishing. Yeah, and I'm also like dude. I'm reeling a fish in And I'm like dude. You better fucking reel this thing in dude Dude, so he reels in the fish and it's literally like the smallest I've ever seen my life his rods bending and then I look at my line dude, and I was I was looking at his line Oh man, so I thought I thought his line was my line. Yeah Dude, whose line is it? I literally I didn't even have a hook. I didn't even have a hook on my It was so I dude. I'm just fucking reeling in nothing dude He just threw a string in the water and I just remember being like dude. I gotta go home Yeah, because I had school and I say I was like dude. I gotta get out of here, man Yeah, and then my friends are like I'm so sad. Johnny wants the dude That's I was that high though. Yeah, where I was like dude. I have a fucking hog on the line right now You know what I mean? Yeah, got a river pit monster Because like have you ever been so either you actually feel things Because I've been there dude where I'm like I feel resistance like that isn't there. Yeah She's sort of fucking yeah, I'll get phantom phone buzz Like I don't have my phone in my pocket. Uh-huh, but it feels like I did like it feels like someone's calling me That's what it's kind of what I was feeling. Yeah, I felt the fish dude. Yeah, I could have sworn it was there, dude Yeah, you know, yeah, no, I wonder what that is man The huge fish pops his head out. No, it's gonna believe you just fucking just magic dude. No, it's so funny. Yeah, no That's crazy I didn't even honestly I feel like fishing rods come with hooks like you if you would have had to take it off Oh, I didn't even hook my line. I didn't put a worm on or anything. Yeah Watching them look over though because they were like excited for me. They were like, oh, let's see what he got. Yeah Are you sure though? Like so you pulled up just bear string Just a line. Yeah, because we had sure that you didn't have a fish and that it because we got high We got high and then went down to fish. Yeah, and I just I was just casting nothing That's like when they it's like when you take uh, I don't know someone driving and like they have a fake steering wheel that doesn't do anything But i'm driving Like let's take johnny fishing Just their look of disappointment dude. Just being like, well, man But do you think you've come bro? Thanks dude. This is fun. I hope it uh, hope it comes out good. Yeah, man No, dude. It was a good time to appreciate you It was a good time to talk to you man and uh, you just want to share With the people like your uh, your social man anything you got coming up. Yeah, it's uh 3 1 2 5 6 8 9 3 4 Um, is that actually you're so No, no, no, I was gonna be like dude. I'm an improv master. Yeah, just made all that up. Can you believe it? Just improv the full social. Um, yeah, you could uh, follow me at zack Russell comedy I have a history podcast called Overshadowed we talked about the siblings and spouses of famous people we recently drink Uh, who's her famous? Oh, I think we're just gonna use oh her siblings Yeah, we did we could you come on at any time open it I would love to talk about like how and calder and shit. We could dude because that's like what i'm uh, it's what you're all about Most knowledgeable about dude. Yeah, I just started like six times We just we just talked about the uh, you know, you think about the Kellogg bro like john harvey Kellogg like cornflakes Yeah, yeah, the anti masturbation cornflakes and like what he was all about up in battle creek, michigan That was during like the industrial revolution, right? Not not far off actually. Really? Uh, when was it? That was like i'll tell you 1900s or some gen Yeah, you're not you're not it was it was like uh It was the end of Reconstruction basically it was like 1890s like gilded age Yeah, man. I'm not really good with history. I asked uh the last last guest we had on I asked him with a straight face if helen keller was alive during the seylam witch trials I honestly don't think that's a dumb question. What if you looked it up though? You would laugh really wasn't like the 1600s I thought it was like I thought the civil rights act was for black people and wishes i thought obj was trying to protect those wages when i googled it out. That's so hard hilarious That is because I didn't know in the seylam witch trials. I had no frame of reference. Yeah, imagine being 300 years off though Yeah, that's pretty bad. That's pretty bad. Yeah, but you live and you learn dude. Yeah. Yeah, you do Oh, man, but yeah, overshadow podcast check it out. It's fun And uh, you know, it's maybe we'll get uh salami on there to talk helen keller. Fuck. Yeah, dude. Thank you for coming bro Thanks, dude. God is good