- On this episode of "Tell us a story." - I just started crying laughing. - Is there a commonality? - Yes, you need you. And I wrote the book, and what's the title? So if you want to put your toes in the water, the book is a great start. - Would you say the joy is in the journey? And not the destination? - Ooh, it's a little abstract, but imagine carrying a rock, really heavy rock. Do your clients often end up identifying their rocks as people? - The caterpillar was always the butterfly. - Welcome to "Tell us a story," the podcast by Belmont City Press, where entrepreneurs and sales professionals share their journeys, insights, and strategies for success. In each episode, our guests reveal how to overcome challenges, establish their brands, and leverage their stories to promote their businesses so you can too. - I'm Rad Hilton, your host for this episode. Today I'm joined by Whitney Riley, who is the owner and founder of Start Your Better Life. So, Whitney, tell us a story. - Hi, at Start Your Better Life, we help people in mid-life create their best chapter and help, wealth, and relationships by removing invisible sandbags causing negative emotions. Our ideal client is questioning the time they've spent wondering, is this it? They wanna maximize the time they had left, enjoying their bodies, bank account, and other people. And they want someone to help shift their blocks for them. You can discover more about Start Your Better Life at startyourbetterlife.com, and you can contact us there on our contact page and all of the social media links. And if this feels right, reach out, because this is your life, nothing is more important. - That's fabulous, Whitney. Talk to me, you know, sort of define what is sort of a misconception about what it is you do that you sort of find yourself educating people about often. - Okay, I would start with what we're all doing, life. And the misconception is that we just have to suffer and grind through and endure. That is, I have come to find the biggest misconception that we're told. My clients over and over again are able to disperse that, just yesterday I was working with someone at the very beginning, and you said, Whitney, this is amazing. I feel like I can look forward to life now instead of life is just something I'm enduring. - Wow. - So that's the big one. The other one is about perfection. And I know that's, you know, what is it, like trigger alert? (laughs) But I found that perfect walks with us. Perfect is never outside of us. It's never, you know, when we lose the 10 pounds or get the relationship or land the, you know, client, the job, the whatever, we're perfect exactly as we are, even if we're a hot mess, like perfection is inside of that. And we're just looking for the next perfect step. And when people start to shift, that is one of the most powerful tools to transform because you are empowered. Yeah, you don't have to be something else first to claim that power or that love. - I always say strive for excellence, not perfection. So it's sort of that whole idea that, you know, you don't have to go out and work for perfection. You know, you just have to perfect your perfection almost. - And that's it. That's just looking right for the next perfect moment. Yeah. - Yeah. - So some of what you talk about is a little bit of an abstract concept. It's not something that we can maybe put our finger on necessarily. Are you able to give us some real world examples of, you know, recognizing it and implementing it? - Absolutely, I have so many. So cut me off. - Go ahead, go for it. - One that stands out and this was about eight years ago. This woman came in to stop smoking. And she learned that she didn't trust her body. And because she had had cancer 20 years before and felt like it was betraying her, she shifted that. And then as we worked the program, she, it was like you shook a tree and a bunch of narcissists fell out. She was surrounded at every capacity up to her landlady. They were being controlled by all of them and having to like flit around. And basically she had been an entrepreneur of whole life. She was in her late 50s and was just like, you know, coming in for smoking for health reasons. But then we quickly went into, she was abused by siblings growing up and parents weren't there to regulate it. So she kept trying to stand out and she put up a website. This is in my book. It's a great, this whole chapter. She put up this website and then pull it down. So she would self-sabotage but believing that someone was going to gank the rug right about from under her. And she was able to see that that little four-year-old now is all grown up, put her website up. You know, I'm shortening the story but basically she's been able to three times her income and she says, I love my life now. I don't live in fear and all those narcissists gone. - And she didn't realize the fear she was living in. She just thought that was life. - Well, you know, we kind of know it but the brain says there's nothing I can do about this. Like they will literally ruin my life if I, you know, put myself public. You know, so we kind of know it but then we make stories around everything and that's why the logic can never really help us shift. Even if we information stack our whole lives. We need a tool to help us connect things we can't connect on our own because they hijack us. - What's another example that someone might be able to see themselves in? - There was this man, hard worker. Oh my gosh, give, give, give, give, give, always solving the problems, plug in holes, just being so dynamic and he kept feeling underappreciated and like he was pushed out of the room. And his income also suffered and he was just trying to double his income. So we went in, we saw there was an alcoholic father and some major chaos in his family of origin. We were able to emotionally like let that be the past and let him move into the present. He was already in the room. He was basically the owner of his company but he had to keep creating the story of being ignored and undervalued. And then to work hard like he did as a kid to try and get his dad's attention. So this like played out but it's kind of like a ghost. You can kind of see it but then it fades when you look at it. We collapsed all of that, he doubled his income and I just kind of nonchalantly was like, hey, you doubled it, anything's possible. Once you double it again, he lost his mind, started screaming at me. And I was like, whoa, 'cause nothing is ever enough, blah, blah, blah. And then when he kind of came back to his senses, he looked at me and just started laughing like, whoa, like what was that all about? Within three months doubled his income again. By the end of the year, seven times his income. - That's amazing. And improved his health. And improved his relationship with his wife and his son because all that stuff, the ghosts he fought with constantly, we're gone. - And it seems as though you can improve your health just by improving your outlook on your situation. - Absolutely. So in psychology, there's a link between ACEs, like early adverse experiences. Basically to diabetes, heart failure, early death, because we're carrying that struggle, those unresolved negative emotions that are hidden and sandbagging us constantly. - And those are the sandbags that you were talking about earlier. What are some behaviors that people could recognize in themselves that would indicate that they can heal their hidden resistance, as you like to say? - So really easy, anxiety, stress, overwhelm, low grade chronic depression, when you're thinking, well, this is just life or this is just maybe 'cause I'm 30, 40, 50, 60. Those are really big keys that are easy to access. But like feeling meh, you know, like you did all the things, maybe your relationship with your kids aren't as great as you had envisioned it being, your partner and you are kind of disconnected or there's just stuff there that's kind of underwhelming. You feel like you've given everything and haven't given to yourself and so long that you don't even know where to begin. Those are, I mean, I could go on, there are lots of different, you know, we're so unique, it manifests in lots of different ways, but those are some key ones. A health diagnosis, probably too. - Yeah, you use the word meh, which is a great word. What is a word that you can use to define that? Would you say an indifference to things? - That would be easy, actually, because indifference would just be free, right? In a perfect world, but yes, that how we would feel indifferent, but we actually really care. That's sort of, you know, tension where, like, is this it? This is, it's just, I can't get revved up about it. I can't get, you know, maybe when you started off, you're like, I'm gonna make breakfast and have the house this way and you were invested in, like, creating your life and now it's, like, heavy and it doesn't feel good. So meh has, like, lack of satisfaction, lack of contentment, going back to that myth. It's just, life is hard and that's just, you know, tough. - So it's lack of contentment and sort of at the time that you've spent in your life or the time that you have coming forward. I know that a lot of times when we've talked before, you've sort of talked about timelines and that you talk about how people, you know, that are middle-aged, sort of look at time and the time that they've spent up until now and then looking forward at the time that they have. Can you kind of talk about gaining some perspective on both of those? - Yeah, I think time is a tricky thing. When we spend time with something, it's kind of like a hazing, right? We emotionally get attached to how we've traded our life for that relationship, that job, that education. And then when we're in it and it's not as wonderful as we projected, right? Or it's actually taking a lot. We can feel stuck, like we, well, that time is gone. So we either can't start over or then we make up stories like, well, the things that made me desirable like for in a relationship sometimes can be youth, the physical qualities of that youthfulness, right? And so we make up stories that should have sailed and maybe I'm just not gonna get my needs met the way I had envisioned it happening. And so that whole time trap can keep us stuck, trying to get back to a person that we liked before instead of bringing yourself to the present moment where it's the only moment you have any power to do anything, right? And then envision how you can rock this light, you know, better than ever because you have all that experience plus, you know, time, you do have time. - So the time hasn't been lost, experience has been gained? - And once you start healing those parts that keep you trapped in the past, then you can be in the present moment 'cause a lot of times the past keeps us protecting something that we don't wanna feel or experience or think about and projecting into the future how it's gonna happen. So we're in the future state surviving something that's not happening yet and in the past protecting something that didn't go so well. So you can't do anything if you're in those places. Can't change the past and the future isn't here yet. - Yeah. - How did you land on your ideal client? Sort of walk us through, you know, who's coming into your office, who's joining your groups and, you know, reading what you write and that sort of thing? Who is your ideal client exactly again? And how did you land on them? - Well, I think I landed on it halfway by just being a guinea pig myself. I healed a panic disorder, whole is like completely free of it without, you know, all the medicines that were thrown my way and I'm not against no shade, no shade, but, you know, that was my path. Transforming how I maybe was not a great picker in relationships. And then also significantly increasing my income and my family's income by using these practices and then kind of coming out of the closet and offering it, you know, just word of mouth and then conquering the fear of doing this, you know, social media, video, like putting yourself out there, kind of like my client pulling down her webpage. So this is what's crazy about our brains. We can hold two opposite beliefs. I finally said that I was like, okay, why is it so scary to be on video, to talk, to do this, right? There's this fear of vulnerability and I wrote, well, I'm too old. And then the next thought was I'm too young. I'm not the white haired bearded dude up on a mountain. I just started crying laughing because the brain is trying to keep you safe, right? And that's why we get stuck into situations and make up a story that maybe no one else will love us. So I'll just accept this love right now. It's not so great, right? 'Cause it's trying to protect us from phantoms. So I collapsed all that and I'm here. And then the people who came in and I've worked with young people and what's amazing about that is that they don't have to grind through life as much. You can fix it before it becomes a pattern. But the problem is young people don't know their patterns at like those protective pieces that make our life come out sideways. Midlife, we're now going, oh, crap. It's maybe halfway over. - Yeah. - Maybe my mom or dad passed away early and we're thinking any day now. And so those things that we worked around to not really be vulnerable or go for the big job or the big relationship or lose the weight or whatever, we're looking at it now. It is like in our path and we don't know how much time we're gonna have to fix it. So I think that's ideal, yeah. - I was gonna say, what's the number one piece of advice you find yourself giving to your clients? Is there a commonality? - Yes, you need you. You need you. You need you. - You need you. - You need you. - Okay. - And you're not told that when we're growing up. We're told to go be like someone else, go sit down, do this, jump through hoops, do all the other things than be you. And you out of everything in the world that you want, you need you. And that you is perfect exactly where you are and there's no brokenness that can ever, ever collapse that. - Now, when you do your coaching, is it, do you do video coaching? Do you do group coaching? Is it mostly in person? How do you find yourself and how do you connect with your clients? - In person, also on Zoom, kind of in person, like we're a cast style, but then I also occasionally offer groups. - Mm-hmm. - Yeah, yeah. And I'm thinking in the future of doing some recordings so people can, you know, people like to sometimes play around privately before they enter into any sort of group or one-on-one situation. So thinking about creating some of that in the future and a road book that basically gives the whole method. - Talk to me about your book. (laughs) - It's called Make Everything Easier. And the title came from what every single one of my clients says. It just got easier. And I wrote the book and I was like, what's the title? What's the title? And all of a sudden I was like, oh my gosh. Everybody says in one way or another, it just, the impossible just became easier. So it kind of goes through, it has lots of case studies and then the last part is the actual method I do with the group. So if you want to put your toes in the water, the book is a great start. - And how do they find the book? - It's on Amazon or on my website. Start at betterlife.com. It's the Amazon link there. And it's called Make Everything Easier. Get what you want by healing hidden resistance. - Nice. And who are you speaking to in the book? Is it your ideal client or is it kind of everyone? - It's kind of everyone, but everyone sort of fits into my ideal client. With a few satellites, there's like a 33 year heroin addict who after one session went to recovery and who've just celebrated eight years of sobriety. - Wow. - So it's a little, I mean, he's midlife, but he had some not common issues, right? Yeah. - What do you find that your clients, how do they measure success? What is a commonality with them? - Ooh, that is a great question. So, it's a little abstract, but imagine carrying a rock, really heavy rock, that you didn't know you were carrying, that you could even let go up and they put it down. And all of a sudden, they experience what life is without this rock. That's abstract, but that is in essence, what people align the most with the success of this. Almost everybody increases their money, even if they're not focusing on it. This one woman came stressed out, taking care of her 90 something year old mother. She negotiated pay, doubled her pay and negotiated $260,000 of back pay that she said she would do for free and is the happiest person on the planet now. And she's one who just, she's like life's just hard. I never even considered that you could put the rock down and enjoy life and do what I want. - Do your clients often end up identifying their rocks as people? Or is it usually more of an abstract? - No, it very quickly becomes a very specific situation like the moment I was hiding behind the couch and mom wanted me to go to church and all my siblings were trying to fish me out and the terror I felt as a two year old. They go back to some really specific places. Even if they're like, "I don't have any memory of my child." And they'll be like, "That's crazy." Like, "I never remember my child." And then in the body knows, the body will take you there. - Whitney, what is your Monty? So Monty is our owl mascot here at Badmont City Press for those who don't know. And he is sort of the symbol of a beacon of inspiration or lesson learned or some sort of take away that we give to our audience and our listeners. So what is sort of your Monty, your mantra, something you can teach our audience today? - The caterpillar was always the butterfly. - The caterpillar was always the butterfly. Talk to me about what that means. We see what we want and separate ourselves from that very often and then can make up stories of why we can't have what we want or get what we want or others can, but we can't. But the caterpillar was never not the butterfly. Like it's a transformational journey to become, you know, it was transformational for me to get here, to talk to you, for you to get here, for us to have this amazing conversation, which I'm very grateful for, so thank you. - For all of your caterpillar work, right? And when you bring that perfection in, like we talked about earlier, and you're perfect as every phase of that caterpillar before you emerge as the butterfly, we can keep re-emerging as our next butterfly. We can always be the caterpillar and the butterfly over and over again. - Would you say the joy is in the journey and not the destination? - I think that is also why midlife is part of the ideal client, because by that point you realize all the good stuff is kind of hard. You know, it's the stuff we work for, right? It's the stuff we stay with. There we go. Well, that didn't work. I'm going back for more. And sometimes for a lifetime, until you can get in there, heal the resistance, and then it gets easy. Not easy, it gets easier. Make everything easier, right? - It may be simple, but it's not easy. Yes, that's a common through line, I think, as you approach middle age, absolutely. So healing your hidden resistance, that is sort of the goal that you walk your clients through. - Yes, yes. - That's fabulous. - And it's a beautiful thing to watch. - For you to watch with your clients. Yeah, and doing that for yourself, did you feel the joy that you see in others? - I did, I do. Humans are tricky people, right? Hedonic, adaptation, whatever. You climb the mountain and then all of a sudden, you're like, well, but that mountain is bigger and you forget about the mountain, you climb. So going on podcasts, being able to talk about some of my stuff in the rear view mirror, it reminds me, right? That I've been there. That my life has radically dipped my health is different. My happiness, my freedom, the joy that I'm able to share with people. I wasn't there, you know? I had to heal those parts that were stuck in time, protecting me, you know? - What was the number one lesson you had to learn the hard way? There's a lot, so I'm sifting. - We could just number them if you like, alphabetically, whatever works best for you. - Right, well, I guess in terms of like the business, and I think, you know, we're entrepreneurs, we're hacking away alone in the jungle, so to speak, even when there are people hacking away next to us. But with this work in the beginning, I wanted to give it to people, right? And I was telling everybody and my husband would look over and someone would have a little tear rolling down their cheek at a cocktail party and my husband would be like, oh God, she's just doing it everywhere, right? And to learn that just because it could be for everybody, some people are ready and to wait, you know? Like they could be suffering, but if they don't ask me, like just sometimes people need to suffer. That's part of the journey. And that's really hard for me, it's really hard. 'Cause I know how easy it is to shift that. - But if they're not ready, they're not going to, you know, go through the journey with you. - Well, it's just not my right, right? Like to force a different agenda I can offer. But then to let people not choose it, I have to just send them with love, right? And send them with love, yeah. It's all about timing sometimes. - That is hard, definitely is hard. All right, Whitney, my friend, it's time for a rapid fire session, where I'm gonna give you two choices and you're gonna just sort of, whichever one speaks to you, all right? And I always say there's only one right answer. So, you ready? The laptop or tablet? - Tablet. - No tablet, okay, all right. Hot coffee or ice coffee? - Hot. - Hot, okay, and that, yeah. Are you around, you're not a cold coffee girl? - I live in Houston, Texas, and I drink hot coffee in the middle of the day. - You are committed, I drink zero caffeine. Nobody wants to see me on caffeine, zero, absolutely not. I haven't in years, eons. I love the smell of coffee. I love the taste of coffee, but even like decaffeinated, can't do it, absolutely. Like zero caffeine, it's wild. So, the fact that you can have it in the middle of the afternoon and still sleep in the same 24-hour period is amazing to me. Do you like ketchup or mustard? Why do I have to choose? - Muster, but it's only the mustard. - Yeah, and that is the right answer, just so you know. But would you ever want to speak to you, Brett? So, I almost never have ketchup. And the only thing that I eat ketchup on, this is just some weird, if you want to talk about my childhood or some sort of trauma response probably, is you know, those little McCain's circle, not sponsored. It's smiley fries. - Oh, yeah. - Do you ever see that? Those are the only thing I put ketchup on, or put on. It's weird, just those. - Isn't, we have the season curly fries, right? - No, the little smiley faces. - I don't think we have those, but-- - You don't have little smiley face french fries? - I don't think so. - I think that you're going to have a lot more people coming to you talking about how they do not have smiley face french fries, and they're not dealing well with it, because they're french fries, but they're in the shape of a smiley face. - I need to take a trip. - You're going to be going down the aisle. - I'm going to be going down the aisle. - You're going to be going down the aisle looking for them, yes, absolutely. I put ketchup on those, and only those. And I'm sure that there's a reason for that, that I'm putting red ketchup on some, you know, face. Let's see. Ballet or opera? - Ballet. - Ballet, okay. And road trip or a cruise? - Road trip. - Road trip? Okay. All right. Comedy club or dance club? - And that's just because I've never been on a cruise. So maybe it was a cruise, so I don't know. - So what was it, comedy? - Comedy club or a dance club? - Comedy club. - Yeah. I mean, who says you can't dance at a comedy club? You know what I'm saying? - Yeah. - And it's also not as loud. So as I, you know, at middle age, exactly, middle ages, like, could we just turn that down? Could we all? - Absolutely. - And it's like, hair aerobics, it's like, chair dancing, if you're at a comedy club, right? - 100%. 100%. - And then only one right answer, fries or onion rings? - Onion rings. - Yes. Absolutely. 100%. You win. Okay. All right. Just so you know. All right. Now it's time for our guest to guess question. You are aware of what we do. The guest before you left behind a question for you to answer on your show, are you ready for it? - I may believe I am ready for it. - Okay. So your question is describe a moment when you felt truly supported by someone. - Oh my goodness. - That's yep. - Describe a moment when I felt truly supported by someone. - Mm-hmm. So in your journey or in your work or, you know, at some moment you were like, if I don't have it, someone's gonna come in and catch me. - I started a Kickstarter project years ago for this bag company that was going to heal the world. And I partnered with a group in Indonesia and my husband was my bag meal. He supported, first of all, he supported me all through the Kickstarter. He helped, like, technical stuff. He was really the most amazing wingman sidekick, you know, support pedestal for me to be on top of. - And he wouldn't talk about it. - Absolutely. Yes. I mean, he, and also like, what is it, the one that you don't see, right? When, you know, he was, I mean, he was my bag meal, like going to Indonesia with a suitcase filled with all of this stuff. - Wow. - Yeah. - That's commitment. Right there. - He's a good guy. He's a good guy. - A good egg. Does he put that on his resume now? He was a bag meal? - He should think. - That's something to explain, I do believe. So take us through sort of as we're wrapping up and everything else. I know that we've talked before about your 10 steps for transformation. Talk to me about where people find that and maybe give us a little bit of what that's about. - Okay. If you go to my website, startyourbetterlife.com, it'll just kind of pop up if you want to be in there for the newsletter. I'm not a big hit you all the time. So it's safe, it's a safe place to put your email and you will receive the 10 steps for transformation. And I basically put the 10 most powerful things you can do right now to start transforming this stuff that you're stuck in, the meh, the discontent, you know, or anything a little hotter or heavier than that. And one of them that I'd like to highlight is this idea of I don't care. - Okay. - Go on. - When we start getting all bristled and they're like, "Well, I don't care." And then have some sort of ritualistic behavior around that stuff and just like pay attention to what you're doing. And then think about an age where you first did that behavior, especially if it's something that's really got you wound up and you're saying, "I don't care, I don't care." And you'll notice that it's a coping mechanism that started very early. It's kind of like those hidden resistance places, but this one kind of springs up, right? And change it and go, "I do care." The reason I'm feeling this way is because I care a lot. And that one shift, you'll feel it viscerally within minutes and the tension will melt away. - Similar to that, when I'm speaking with my sister and we're talking about our childhoods, which were completely different from each other, but often we find ourselves saying to each other, "That's a trauma response in the making." You know, we start going back to our childhood or mentioning something like, "That sounds like trauma response in the making," and it usually is. - I don't care, I don't care. Your group classes, I know that you have them occasionally. Talk to us about what people would expect in a group class where they would sign up. How often do you have them, that sort of stuff? - Hopefully I will start having them annually. I usually send out a special link for that. So that's a great reason to sign up if you want to, if you're interested. It is an amazing experience. It's basically the method in the book, the me method, the make everything easier method, but we do it in small group. And so then, and you can do the whole thing and never share anything and get 100% benefits. That is in person or in the group, but you'll hear other people saying things that can totally enlighten a perspective. So you're amplified in your journey, and as much as going in, cleaning out the cobwebs to the 12 most common negative emotions, sounds pretty heavy and horrible, right? Like scary, but it actually becomes so much fun. We laugh together, we cry together, we transform together, people come running back and they're reporting how things got easier and this thing just happened and oh my gosh, so the group is really a special experience. - And that's just by special invitation, so that's a good reason for them to go to your website, sign up for your newsletters so they don't miss anything. And when they sign up, they get the 10 steps for transformation so they can start their journey as well while they're waiting for the next group class to start. - That's right. - And get the book, absolutely, which we'll put the link for in the show notes. What is your final thought, your final message for our listeners? - The world needs you, you're here, you have a special gift, you have talents, even if it's just bringing joy to the people who love you. There is more, your time spent is not just gone, it's brought you to this really unique amazing moment and I just hope that you're able to look into the future and create the best version because time, whether you're a tiny baby or taking your few last breaths, that life is the same amount, you're alive, you're alive, there's no less or more life, you're alive or not, so let's start having fun. - All right, Whitney, I've enjoyed our time together, I appreciate your time, it's extremely valuable and I hope I honored that here today. - You did, thank you so much for having me, it's been wonderful. - Thank you. - To our listeners, if you have a story to share, visit TellUsAStorypodcast.com. If you're an aspiring author, a seasoned business owner, or looking to elevate your personal brand, visit BelmontSedipress.com for expert advice on writing your own success story. Trust the next chapter because you are the author, now, tell us a story. (music) (gentle music) (soft music)
