In which we hear some of Annie's thoughts on love and relationships in her therapy with Dr. X, and she shares a little more of her writing with us.
Into the Void
Same Bed, Different Dreams
Hello and welcome to another episode of Into the Void. This is your host Annie Kai and I'm going to start today's episode with some clips from my therapy session. So this is May and Dr. Axe discussing relationships. I think he just can't take love in. It's too scary for him. I mean I can't either so it's a good thing he's not giving it out. He would be frustrated. Probably. But also it's funny because I was thinking about it and I spoke to him about it because I said what you had said about me to him also. What did I say about you? That I can't I can't take the reciprocation of love that I can give it out but I can't take it in and that I thought it was really interesting that like I said my shrink has like wanted to give me a hug like she asked like a whole bunch of times and I've always say no. I was like but this guy who owns the bookstore Rudy that was used to come over and hug me and I'd be like and he'd be like hugs are good for you. Joe gives really good hugs. That's one of the things I liked about him so much. That's really really important. So I don't think it's hopeless. I think we're just I think I'm just gonna let it I'm gonna just see what happens and let it grow and tend to it. FLW I felt it. Why is that me? Famous last words. Oh why? Because it's really really hard to be patient and wait. Well I'm not postponing the rest of my life. I'm gonna keep looking for somebody. I'm not hitting anything on it but I'm gonna but I'm gonna be patient with him. That's gonna be awesome. And shifting subjects here we are again. What do you think it means? It's fear based. What's the fear? That we really can't manage our own life and we need my mom. That's what the fear is. That I can't be in the fear. It's probably both. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's both. You seem so healthy today. Are you feeling this feels fabulous but I haven't been in this place for most of the day but I'm very happy to be here at the moment. I'm very happy to see you also. Thank you. I've not been able to come around. It just upset me too much everything. But but what is? You mean what changed? Like why is it okay now? Well you know when you left here on Tuesday you were in a pretty good place. It's kind of a good session. I think something happened but I have no memory of what it is. I don't know what it is. What happened? My mom and I had a session with Rachel yesterday. That took a minute. Okay. It was upsetting. It was helpful but upsetting for me in various ways I'm sure. Well Rachel was like well are you trying to tell your mom you felt like she was making a dig at you. Saying that like her friend had like better taste than me or like fat better clothes than me. And my mom was like no no. And I was like what about the time we were in town and way Barrington and you were like well it's a beautiful blouse but it's a beautiful on you. My mom just was like and I was like or the time after I like came out on like on the comedy thing where you came back to me and you were like Annie. I'm concerned you're going to be getting in trouble for impersonating a lesbian comedian. I don't like what's happening. I'm so confused. Post-mortem. Rachel was like what? Rachel was like what's called to respect? No I didn't. I was talking about her. Because my mother was like I did the post-mortem and I was like eat purpose no more. And then Charlotte's like hallway clown. You see was with nothing. I'm just making stuff up now in Latin and stuff. How I kind of must be aware of dog if that's why it was a joke. And it was it. But that used to be a joke I had with my mom where she'd be like so fabulous you're biling like if I said something and I'd be like and then I'd be like taco. Like quaso. To be silly or fun with anyone because I've gotten one I can do that with. That's what I miss. I mean I had a chance to do that with no one. Nobody enjoys it. Everyone's so serious. Still serious all the time. I won't got to be still serious. It's wonderful to see you laugh. Yeah thank you. Feels good. But I haven't been able to laugh just like I can't do no comedy. Nothing seems funny. Nothing's funny to us right now. So it's appropriate. We're doing a good thing to step back from it for a little bit. Figures and stuff out so it could be funny again. It will be. But just not funny right now that's all. I thought the last one that you showed me that you did and I thought it was pretty good. And if you compare that. So I think that anybody listening will be able to tell that that was an edited you know it was an edited portion of one of my sessions. But it felt like a really important portion for me to listen to again. It's good for me to listen to the recordings because it like otherwise I often don't remember the sessions. And as you can imagine that makes it quite difficult to make progress. And it's interesting because at the end of the session I spoke to my doctor about my connection to her and how hard it was. You know you you heard us on that recording discussing that like I I always said no when she offered me a hug I just can't hug her. And I don't really know what it's about. But and so we we'd had more like time that felt connected during the end of the session. I felt the connection to her. And then today I was driving up state and I was like oh I don't think I need to see her in person anymore. So it was a major pulling away. And so that's I understand that's my pattern now so it's good for me to understand that. And I was just kind of exhausted when I got up here upstate but I'm feeling a little better I'm so glad I got to put together part of an episode here. And I think what I'm going to do now is add on a little bit of reading from my work just to see how it's going and then we'll call it a wrap after that. So here we are with my work called same bed different dreams. And I'm going to skip to part one and we'll see how it goes. Okay part one truth is the first casualty of war. One where shall we begin? Since there is no beginning why not start where you arrive or before what first entices you? If you are diligent you will enter little by little into the entirety. Two in September of 1943 with an allied victory and increasingly likely Gertrude Stein wrote the one thing that everybody wants is to be free not to be managed, threatened, directed, restrained, obliged, administered. The only thing that anyone wants now is to be free to be let alone to live their life as they can but not to be watched, controlled and scared. Three the moment is always the same and always new the instinct to cancel memory to lie still in the moment. Four this book is a collection or series of reflections on endlessness ruin and death. It's about how after the worst had happened and I found myself all alone paradoxically I woke up and found life was more beautiful and varied than I could previously have imagined. Five here I am in my studio faced with a mass of scrawled to death papers the little word pointless comes puffing from my pipe and circles the room chasing down a thought nothing else moves and contrary wise where does the peeling of a personality begin I wonder whereas the tap that holds back confessions six everywhere and all the time I write I write while I chew a cutlet run on gravel sweat and crowds invent myself somewhere else often nothing but adjectives disgruntled gloomy grumpy beginnings of sentences under the bed etc for ticking objects whatever comes to mind incidentals without decimal points about lapses of time and displaced phases about intervening time and doubt and distances and the detachment they give. Seven among some artists exists a desire to lay claim to a certain degree of mental derangement or dissociation in the mistaken belief that there is something artistic about madness but one of those artists whose work is a manifestation of true isolation and marginalization whose art is an expression of real stigmatization and of actual madness what else do you want to know all our words in all our science measured against reality our primitive childlike and still no matter what I will stay this person that no one accepts as me clear skies and I feel better again so I think that that's a an appropriate place to take a rest for today and I don't know if I'll if I'll listen to this one but I'm going to just say a shout out to my buddy Pablo who wrote me like just a beautiful message last weekend and it just means so much to me he said he listened to this podcast and he liked some of my art and stuff and it just means the world when somebody connects with my work and so to anybody who's out there listening now I'm sending you a lot of love I think that life is a little bit of a roller coaster it is a bit of a ride and so I understand the I understand the metaphor of like that if that's the case then it makes sense to try to enjoy the ride that's the secret of life is enjoying the ride enjoying time so I'm gonna I'm gonna let it go there for the for this episode and I'm gonna try to get myself ready to do a little poetry reading that's happening in town tonight so sent in love out into the universe thank you so much for listening. This has been Annie Kay into The Void.