Beyond the Green, into the Greys
Growing Up
Be on the green and into the grays, sharing my life with you your truly hyphenated grays. When did I start realizing that I am growing old? When I was young, I was always thinking of becoming an adult, of being able to make my own decisions, of being on my own, of being able to do the things that I wanted to do, of not having someone carefully watch my decisions, cautioning me, telling me to be careful. I remember making a calendar for myself, marking the number of days when I would complete my school days, because I thought being in a college would be part of growing up. I kept counting the days when I would be old enough to be on my own. I just couldn't be to grow up. I saw around me adults doing the things they wanted to do, wearing clothes they chose for themselves, traveling to places they wanted to be, being free and being casual about that freedom. When I was around 11 years old, I was sent to a boarding school. It was a convent school, all girls, you know, where I became a border, and remained a border for another six years. It was a scary experience for me, especially in the beginning. I was very vulnerable, with hardly any friends. The school was also new, so I had to begin afresh, I had to build new relationships, and here I was quite alone, both at school and in the boarding. Then I found others who were also new to the place. We bonded over our misery, our fears, our trauma of being alone, and soon, another year had gone by. Being in the place for several years did not make it a pleasant experience. It was still a sad place, where I slept every night longing to be back home, in my bedroom, listening to conversations in my home, sleeping with a book by my side, demanding special dishes for dinner, and being a child and nothing more. But it was not so. It was a place where I felt alone, and never belonged. It was a place that reminded me that I am helpless, and longed to grow up, and beyond my own, taking decisions and making life choices for myself, from being a child. Young adults, especially women, had their networks of control, working on their movements and their choices. It can be quite suffocating as we realise that it is all the same. The same set of questions, the same words of caution, the same kind of lines drawn around you to keep you safe. [Music] [BLANK_AUDIO]