What's up everyone, welcome to the Parenting with Huddle Wisdom podcast. My name is Devon. I'm a dad, I'm a child forensic psychiatrist. On this episode, I want to talk about something a little bit controversial. It's a parenting trend that has been making some waves. It's called free range parenting. I know, I know, but before we dig into this, let me just remind you that although I offer professional insights, every child and every family is unique, always consult with your own mental health professional, pediatrician, child psychologist, psychiatrist for advice tailored to your specific circumstances. Nothing I say on this podcast should constitute psychiatric advice because I am not your psychiatrist. I do this to give people something to think about. It's my opinion, my opinion only. Let's get back into it. What exactly is free range parenting? Free range parenting like chickens, you know? It's an approach that emphasizes giving kids more independence, less supervision like free range chickens. The term was made up by Lenore Skenazi, I think that's how you say her name. Sorry if I'm not pronouncing it correctly. She gained notoriety in 2008, or was it 2009, for allowing her nine-year-old son to ride the New York City subway alone. Friends of this approach argue that it helps kids develop self-reliance, confidence, problem solving, skills. I would say there are probably better ways to teach children how to develop those things. But you know, this free range parenting thing, it sounds idyllic, you know, children roaming free, building independence, you know, returning home with scrapenies, big smiles, ha ha, what a great day. You know, you spending it all out in the big wide world, all on your own, very impressive. But as a child forensic psychiatrist, I have to ask, is this approach universally applicable? Or maybe it's another manifestation of, I can't believe I'm saying this, first world privilege. I hate saying that, I hate that I said it, but I kind of think it is, okay, let's consider a recent example that's been circulating in the media the last couple of days. Someone wrote this article, I think it was, ah, I can't even remember it, some American media outlet, but it's been, you know, rejigged, re-shared, and reposted numerous times. The actors, Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard, I don't know this Dax Shepard fellow, but Kristen Bell. You know, anyway, they, I think they're married and they shared their experience with free range parenting during a family trip to Copenhagen. And I'm going to quote what Kristen Bell says. We just were kind of like, are we going to free range parenting and roll the dice here? We let them wake up at six o'clock every morning. I don't think she sounds like that, but didn't see them for seven hours, just running around Copenhagen. Now, as a mental health professional who works with kids who have experienced trauma, this statement raises several red flags for me. Let's break it down. Okay. Number one, location. Copenhagen is consistently ranked as one of the safest cities on earth. Low crime rates, high social trust, great public infrastructure. It's not representative of most urban environments around the world. Number two, the idea of not seeing your children for seven hours in an unfamiliar environment, regardless of its safety rating, concerns me. Number three, Bell doesn't actually mention the ages of her kids, which is crucial information when considering the appropriateness of this level of independence. You know, and speak actually, okay, this I have a treat for you, my friends. I have a real treat speaking of child supervision. I'm reminded of some rather unconventional parenting advice I recently received. And we have a surprise guest in the studio. In early today, I recorded an interview with him, someone none other than Liam Neeson himself. And let me tell you, Liam has some interesting perspectives on child supervision. Here's what he had to say. Now, the next part is very important, they are going to take you. Ah, Liam, always so intense. While we, you know, we hope that our parenting decisions don't lead to action movie scenes like that one. But you know, here's the Liam's dramatic flair does serve as something of a reminder of why we are discussing this topic today, child safety and balance between independence and protection. So let's go back to our serious discussion, serious, serious now. From a shrink's point of view, we have to consider the potential impacts of this chicken free range approach on a child's mental health. Independence is valuable, it's a valuable trait to foster, but we might run the risk of pushing our kids towards something which they are not ready for. It needs to be balanced with a sense of security and attachment, so critical. You can't push independence or encourage it in my view unless you have a secure relationship and attached, healthy attachment from which the child can use as a base to then explore and become more independent. In my practice, I see kids who have experienced trauma due to lack of supervision and sometimes even the perception of a lack of supervision, whether real or imagined, it's vitally important to understand, let me just backtrack a little bit, that while statistically speaking, it's rare that childhood abduction incidents occur, accidents do happen more commonly or even exposure to inappropriate situations which can have long, lasting, psychological effects. Why would you roll the dice? Why? I get it, you want your kids to learn how to be independent, right? Sure, good, good, so do I, so do I, but use your frickin brains, man, man. Let's look at some statistics, according to the U.S. Department of Justice, in 2022, they were about 365,000 reports of missing kids in the U.S. Now, before you panic, let's just break it down, okay? The National Center for Missing and Exploited Kids reports that of those 300-something-thousand, about 115 were stereotypical kidnappings, the stranger danger kind, the stranger danger kind that keeps us up at night. Keep teaching your kids about stranger danger. Only 115 you say, Devin, it's not so bad, well, tell that to those 115 families. Let's not forget, these are just the reported cases, it's like an iceberg, what we see is just a tip, a much larger problem, I see it, I hear about it, I'm not saying we should turn into helicopter parents, but maybe, maybe letting your kids run around for seven hours unsupervised, in a place where you do not live, where you have no connections. Your kids know no one. Maybe that's not the brightest idea. It's also, okay, let's talk about some broader context here. Maybe some historical context, let's discuss how parenting norms have shifted over time. Many of us who grew up in the 70s, 80s or even 90s had more unsupervised time than children today. So what's changed, what's changed? Our time is different to now time, very different, here are a few key factors, number two, increased awareness of potential danger to media coverage, number two, technology allows constant connection between parents and children, but also coordination for nefarious reasons, number three, heightened societal pressure and judgment and parenting styles, number four, busier schedules with more structured activities for children and also less structured activities for children as our schedules get busier. Interestingly, statistics show that kids today are generally safer than in previous decades. Rates of kidnapping, accidents, most other dangers have decreased. Finally speaking, on average, this suggests that our increased protectiveness could stem from perception rather than reality. The statistics I quoted to you before are real, okay, and things are trending downwards, but that's because of one increased awareness of potential danger to media coverage, there's just more eyeballs out there looking around, which is not necessarily a good thing either. Technology for all it's evil does help us in some ways where we can reach our children more easily, again, you know, there are perils associated with that too, heightened societal pressure, judgment and parenting styles, people are just watching, right, just watching, creepy, busier schedules with more structured activity for kids, great, we're just busier, yes. We've got kids doing structured stuff, but, you know, do we have the energy to spend connecting with our kids after we've taken them to all these different activities for their own good? Is it for their own good? I don't know, I'm starting to ramble. Being a mental health professional, I have to stress that perception matters, okay, a child's sense of safety and security is crucial for healthy psychological development. If a child feels unsafe or abandoned, even in an objectively safe environment, it can lead to anxiety, attachment issues, other mental health concerns. And perception is real or imagined, okay, it's traumatizing either way, whether something stressful is real or imagined. So let's broaden our perspective even more, free-range parenting as practiced in Western context often feels like, to me, and I hate that I'm saying this, I know, like a privilege of the developed world. In many developing nations, kids already face significant daily risks, without additional encouragement to explore unsupervised, for instance, I've seen how different cultural contexts shape parenting styles, in many collectivist societies, the idea of letting kids roam free clashes with deeply held values about community responsibility and family oversight. Wait, what are you saying, Devon? I know so many different cultures where the kids just are much more independent. Now hang on, what do you mean by independence? Do you mean they have got the skills to cook, they've got the skills to do chores, they've got the skills to work in the family business, is that what you mean by independent? Is that what you mean? It's worth noting that some cultures do give kids more independence, but within, within a strong community network, steeped in tradition, rules, boundaries, structure, and Japan is often cited as an example where young kids might take the subway alone or to school. So again, Japan is not America, Australia, New Zealand. Again, we are talking about a society with incredibly low crime rates and a strong sense of collective responsibility, collective responsibility. I do not bet on our western world to have our children's backs, not in the same way. Context matters. Let me repeat that for the people in the back, context matters. Free range parenting might work in a small, safe town where everyone knows each other, but in a big city or a high crime area, suddenly your free range chicken kid is less independent explorer and more potential statistic. Devin, you're just scaremongering again, oh my gosh, Devin, you're making people anxious. No, I'm just being real. This is my opinion. I don't like what I'm saying, just go and listen to Britney Spears, Sabrina Carpenter. She's great, by the way, amazing. It's also worth considering the legal implications of free range parenting. In some jurisdictions, allowing young children to be unsupervised for extended periods could be considered neglect. What? Parents could find themselves dealing with child protective services or facing legal consequences. So what's the takeaway here, Devin? Devin, should we embrace free range parenting or do we reject it entirely? As with most things in child psychiatry and parenting, it's neither. The answer lies somewhere in the middle if there is a middle. Here are some guidelines that I could share with you that might help you to figure this thing out. Number one, gradual independence, incrementally increase your child's autonomy as they demonstrate readiness and good judgment. I mean, that's just common sense. That's just common sense. You know, can they deal with you saying no to them not having a smartphone? Can they deal with that? Can they deal with you telling them to go to bed on time? Yeah, on average, okay, eventually they will go to bed, but not, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? As they demonstrate readiness and good judgment. So if they can't go to bed on time, if they can't make their lunch for school the night before or before school and get ready to leave out the door, what business do they have roaming around Copenhagen for seven hours and supervised? Number two, safety skills. Teach kids essential safety skills before granting more freedom. Not talking about self-defense, I'm all for self-defense, okay, I love that stuff. But the more important stuff, in my opinion, to teach them how to navigate the environment, who to ask for help, how to handle emergencies, know your environment. What works in a small town might not work in a big city. Be aware of the specific challenges in your area. And before open communication, maintain ongoing dialogue with your kids about their experiences and any concerns they might have. Number five, individual assessment, each child needs, each child's needs and capabilities are unique. What works for one might not work for another, even within the same family. Number six, mental health awareness. Be attuned to signs of anxiety or distress that might arise from increased independence. Be attuned to signs of anxiety or distress that might arise from increased independence. So I'm not wanting our kids to develop a complex or to be just generally anxious about everything. There is such a thing as being attuned to people's individual needs. So you need to be able to empathize and also make sure that you're using simple language and keeping the conversation going. Probably the best tip I have for people is perhaps even before doing your lecturing, ask your children questions. Hey, you know, when we were walking down the street, right? And you noticed that there was this part of town which you looked a little bit uncomfortable about. Like, why do you think that is like, did it feel different to you, did it look different? Was there something about it that was a bit funny to you? What was it? They might tell you they might not, but just talk generally, you know, so like, look, yeah, I mean, there's a funny corner there. You know, there's some people hanging around there that maybe, who knows? We don't know them. We don't know what they're doing. They're just people. But, you know, if there's something that you see that doesn't feel right, I want you to ask me, talk to me about it and we can have a chat about figuring out, you know, what we should do. I think you were right in feeling a little bit uncomfortable because I noticed that this that, this, that, this, that. And if you notice something that you're uncomfortable with, just walk on the other side, you know, sometimes it's better just, just to be safe than, than sorry, okay? But you know, it's daylight, you're with mum and dad, we're having a nice day walking into town, exploring and, you know, mum and dad are always looking up for you, okay, we're here. So, you know, you have to also, you, you don't shy away from talking about the tough stuff, but you do it in a real way, be authentic and ask lots of questions, ask them lots of questions. Sometimes this saves me from being overbearing or talking too much and overwhelming my child, you know, because that can create anxiety for them to, you know, why is dad talking about all this stuff? You know, is this something really, really wrong? Maybe there is, maybe there is, just ask lots of questions, you know, be attuned to them. And that's the key, you know, being attuned to them, noticing what they might be experiencing and keeping connected. The goal isn't to be the most permissive or the most protective parent there is. The goal is to raise psychologically and emotionally healthy, hopefully well-adjusted kids who can eventually function as independent adults. As we, as we, I was going to say, as we wrap up, as we wrap up, I want to leave you with this thought. Perhaps instead of debating this free range, chicken free range versus helicopter parenting thing, we should focus on creating communities where our kids can thrive safely. I love, so I wasn't born in the West, if you can tell by my accent, where I come from, there's this sense of, you know, community that isn't felt as much here. Not to say that there are darker corners where I wouldn't travel to my hometown, where the rate of, where the rates of kidnapping is higher than here, where I live now. So you definitely, in my view, don't want to practice free range parenting from where I come from, no way. But with appropriate supervision, you know, opportunities for growth, all that good stuff, we can do that here. What if we directed our energy towards, well, building safer neighborhoods, stronger community bonds, better support systems for families, from a public mental health perspective, those efforts could have far reaching positive effects on our kids' development. And maybe, maybe one day, we could practice free range chicken parenting, you know, without me getting overly anxious about it. Am I being anxious? No, I don't think so. I'm just trying to be real here. Anyway, that's all for today, my friends, parenting with huddle wisdom. Remember, whether you lean towards free range or structured parenting or somewhere in between. The key is to stay attuned to your child's individual needs and to prioritize their mental and emotional well-being. But how you do that is through recognizing what their needs are and how you recognize those needs is through your connection, which is key. If you have concerns about your child's development or how to balance safety and independence, don't hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional, psychologist, psychiatrist. They're there to help you guide your kids, and they're there to help you through complex parenting decisions. So, I want to thank you, my friends, for listening. Liam and I, thank you very much for being here. Stay informed, stay engaged. Remember good parenting isn't about following trends, it's about making informed decisions based on your unique circumstances, it's about connection, attunement, attachment, security. Until next time, my friends, my name is Devon, dad, child forensic psychiatrist, reminding you that a little wisdom goes a long way in parenting. So, take care, happy parenting, I will catch you next time, my friends. Thanks. If you liked this episode, please share, like, subscribe. Give us a five-star review, it does go a long way to increasing our reach, be ever so grateful. And if you want to sign up for our email newsletter, go to www.hadawisdom.com/signup, S-I-G-N-U-P, and you'll get regular updates from me. You'll get various parenting insights and different perspectives that you might not get anywhere else. And it's all about empathic parenting, conceptual ideas, frameworks, mental models, to simplify the chaos that we all have to navigate in this modern age. So, sayonara, my friends, till next time, I'm so happy to have you, adios.
