Struggling to connect with your anxious child? In this game-changing episode, we reveal 18 powerful questions that will transform your conversations and help your child open up about their anxiety. From understanding physical sensations to identifying triggers, these expertly crafted questions cover every aspect of childhood anxiety.
You'll discover:
• The surprising origin of your child's anxiety (Question #1 is eye-opening!)
• A creative way to visualize anxiety that kids love (Question #6 will amaze you)
• The one question that unveils your child's secret coping strategies (Don't miss #12!)
• How to uncover the hidden impact of anxiety on your child's life (Question #13 is crucial)
Plus, we'll share tips on dealing with the dreaded "I don't know" responses and the silent treatment. Whether you're a parent, teacher, or caregiver, this episode is your key to fostering open communication and supporting the anxious child in your life. Don't miss this opportunity to strengthen your relationship and help your child thrive!
Tune in now and transform the way you talk about anxiety with your child!
TO go deeper: Foundations of Connection COURSE
What's going on, my friends? Welcome to the Parenting with Hado wisdom podcast. My name is Devon. I have a cold or some weird viral thing. I've been really struggling to beat it, really trying to shake it off. But it's been really difficult as you can hear my voice. So hopefully it doesn't distract you from this episode's message. I want to talk about how we can open the door and start to explore. What are the things that our children are having difficulties feeling? And I want to get some practical stuff done. Sorry, I wanted to give you some practical things, some questions, which you can ask, which I think will help open that door. We often find ourselves at a loss when our children struggle with anxiety or difficult emotions. And we want to help, but it can be so hard to get them to open up about their experiences and their feelings. The key to supporting our kids, I think, lies really in asking the right questions rather than trying to find the right answers. So the reason why I put it like that is because, and please bear with me, I hope this makes sense. For many of us, including myself, sometimes when we get triggered to feel things, difficult things because our children are struggling. It makes us feel, well, it makes us want to help them, of course. We want them to stop feeling pain. We want them to figure out what's going on and then find a solution and then move on. That would be awesome, but it doesn't happen in real life in quite that way because I think some of the time we add to the emotional turmoil by trying to conceive of ideas that would help. We're always looking for a solution, and I think that's the wrong place to start. We should stay curious and stay compassionate and ask questions to shift the mindset from asking questions for the sake of finding answers, but asking questions in order to eke out our children's own resource, if that makes sense. But asking questions in a neutral, non-judgmental space for them to express themselves. And so we're going to explore a variety of questions that you can use to encourage your child to talk about the anxiety or shame, whatever difficult emotion it is. So I want to talk about some questions you can use and some strategies for dealing with common roadblocks like the silent treatment or the standard I don't know response. If you are eager to learn how to open and keep the door open, I highly recommend considering the course foundations of connection. Link in the show notes. Okay, so the reason is because you get long-term benefits and valuable insights and wisdom that will shape your child's life for years to come. And it helps you to avoid costly mistakes. Don't make the same mistakes that I did, because parenting can be hard, you make mistakes. But I want you to not make the same mistakes that I did in short cut those painful learning experiences because you can learn them from me. Learn from my experience and avoid common pitfalls, save yourself time and heartache. You learn how to understand sensitivity, better read your child's emotional cues, foster trust, respect through clear open dialogue and respond to emotional challenges with understanding and calm, calm, calm. All right, so before we get into specific questions, let's get a better understanding of why open communication about anxiety is so important. It seems like a given. We don't want to simply ignore anxiety, obviously. But at the same time, we don't need to pander to it. Okay, anxiety is just what's on the surface. What has come out of some frictional forces that have been generated because there has been some kind of tension between a demand pressure expectation in the environment, pressing down on your child and they might not in that instance have the capacity or the skill to deal with that pressure demand or expectation. We want our children to feel like we get it, but we also want them to build the skills to help them to deal with the problem that reduced anxiety. But it would be also quite good for them to learn some skills about how to cope with anxiety itself. When children can articulate their feelings and experiences, it helps them get better understanding of their own emotions. They feel less isolated in their struggles and it assists them in having conversations about coping strategies. And at the same time, all of this builds trust and strengthens their relationship with you if you can assist them. Okay, the goal is not to interrogate your child, but to create open dialogue, ongoing dialogue that allows them to feel heard and supported. All right, so questions to explore, questions to explore the origins of anxiety, ideally you will get some response, but sometimes we don't, but we'll come to that later. So, here's some standard questions I asked, when did you first notice feeling worried or anxious? There's something along those lines. This question, pinpoints when anxiety began, when it began to affect your child's life. It can reveal triggers or certain life events that may have contributed to the onset of anxiety. Then, can you remember a time when you did not feel anxious? What was different than this encourages children and asked to reflect on periods of calm? Which can then identify factors that contribute or trigger to trigger anxiety. Number three, has anything changed recently in your life that might be making you feel more worried? Changes in routine, school, friendships, things that I did, family dynamics, these things can often trigger anxiety in kids. The next lot of questions is about trying to understand the physical sensations. When you feel anxious, what does it feel like in your body? Anxiety often manifests physically, so encouraging a child to describe these sensations can help them become more aware of their anxiety cues. It also gives them some practice around using the vocabulary or feeling of emotion. Sorry, my head is a little bit like mush at the moment, so I'm tripping over my words quite a bit. Where in your body do you feel the anxiety the most? The question can help your child locate and describe specific physical symptoms such as a tight chest or butterflies in the stomach. Number six, if your anxiety had a color or shape, this is one of my favorite ones, what would it look like? Using their imagination or eliciting responses from your child's imagination station can really help them to express their feelings when they lack vocabulary, because emotions can be so complex and sometimes describing things in pictures may be one way of ushering some new understanding of their experience. Let's dig further into questions that help to identify triggers, because it's not always obvious, but the questions I shared with you earlier helps you to get in the ball pack. The ball pack gives you an idea of where those triggers are in the ball pack. What kinds of situations make you feel the most anxious? Understanding specific triggers can help you and your child develop strategies to manage anxiety-provoking situations if you can figure out what those situations are. Is there a particular time of day when you tend to feel more anxious? This can help you to understand patterns in your child's anxiety, which could be linked to certain routines or activities. It may not be the activity or the routine itself, but if the anxiety happens around that time period, then focusing in on that time period seems like a sensible thing to do, there might be some triggers in that time period. Now you can see that you're narrowing down the causative factors that brought on anxiety, which can be quite empowering, because now you're trying to figure it out, right? Which is great. Do you notice any thoughts that pop into your mind when you start feeling anxious? Helping your child identify anxious thoughts is a crucial step in learning to challenge and then reframe them? Questions to explore coping mechanisms? What helps you feel good when you're feeling anxious? It allows your child to reflect on coping strategies they may already be using, and even unconsciously. I noticed before that you were doing this when you were feeling anxious, that looked like a way to comfort yourself. Is that right? Where did you learn how to do that? That seems to make sense to me. I'd probably be doing the same thing if I was feeling the way you were. Is there something you wish you could do or say when you're feeling anxious? And this can reveal certain desires or needs that children might have difficulty expressing. If your best friend was feeling anxious, what advice would you give them? It's one of my favorite ones, not always successful. Sometimes kids find it easier to generate solutions for others than for themselves. You know, teenagers can be quite passionate, right? So if you can somehow elicit that adolescent passion for someone that they care about or something that they care about, you can use that to then turn it around and get them to reflect on what would be the case if the situation was reversed. It can uncover coping strategies as well, things that they might not have considered for their own anxiety because they were always thinking about someone else. Questions to understand the impact of anxiety. How does anxiety affect your day to day life? You know, it helps to assess the severity of anxiety and of course the impact on daily functioning. Are there things you avoid doing because of anxiety? By the way, I'll put these questions on the blog so that you don't have to make too many notes. You can just go to the blog and download the questions. How does anxiety affect your relationship with friends or family? Here you're externalizing the anxiety that is something outside of them which can be a helpful way of figuring out what led up to the anxiety and what continued the anxiety. But also I think gives people a sense of power over it. Next we want to explore support systems. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about your worries? And it might not be you, it might not be you. This can help identify trusted individuals in their life who can provide additional support. What could I or we as a family do to help you feel less anxious? Would you like to talk to someone outside the family about your anxiety? Like a counselor? Some kids may feel more comfortable discussing the anxiety with a neutral party. Nothing personal. It's just, that's just what happens. Thank goodness that they're at least willing to consider talking to someone. Dealing with the silent treatment, let's talk about that. Sometimes despite our best efforts, kids may respond with silence and silence can speak volumes. Silence is communication as well. Kids often give the silent treatment as a way to express their feelings or perhaps to gain control over a situation. Here are a few more common reasons. Number one is, you know, they're feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes kids feel so angry, frustrated, overwhelmed that they need to withdraw and avoid conversation. Just think about how you might do that as well in your situation if you are feeling certain things with a person that you love. If you haven't done the silent treatment, if you haven't given the silent treatment to someone, I'd love to hear from you because, you know, that's not my experience. They might use it to attract attention or to reverse a situation, especially if they feel like they've been wrong or punished. For some kids, it's a way to cope with difficult, complex emotions when they don't have the skills to express their feelings verbally. Sometimes it can be quite a powerful thing to have to be faced with someone's silence and it gives kids a sense of power and control. Sometimes they just get sick of being silent and want to say something, but they become embarrassed because it's too late. It feels too late. There's been too much time being silent, so if I say something now, it's a bit embarrassing. It's important to approach this behavior with some empathy and understanding. Let them know that you're there to talk when they are ready and try not to take it personally, which is hard. Here's some strategies to handle that situation. Number one, respect their silence. Let them know it's okay not to talk right now, but you're there when they're ready. Number two, offer alternative communication methods, suggest writing, drawing or using a feelings chart to express their emotions. You'll find a ton of those ideas in the blog. Lead by example, share your own experiences with anxiety, normalizing the conversation. You might not share with them directly, but with other adults perhaps in your vicinity. Create a calm environment, so maybe you want to engage in a relaxing activity together, which may naturally lead to conversations. Sometimes board games, we do in our house and sometimes that helps. Indirect communication, sometimes talking side by side during an activity. Or a car ride. They can feel a lot less intimidating than face-to-face conversations. Tell me some of your ideas. What do you do? Hop on over to Instagram or wherever you listen to podcasts and just comment there or the blog post. Just leave your comments. Would love to hear from you. Tell me some of your stories. Others would benefit from it too. It's very common for children to respond with "I don't know". Excuse me. When asked about the anxiety. Kids often say "I don't know for various reasons" and it can be a way for them to navigate their emotions or their situation. You might feel overwhelmed. They might be too distracted or overwhelmed. Sometimes they just unsure of their answers and they worry about being wrong. Sometimes they need more time to think. Sometimes it's a way to avoid a topic if they feel uncomfortable with it. Which makes sense. Sometimes they think that their opinion doesn't matter to you or that you already have an answer or a response. It's helpful to step back and give them space to think. Don't just launch in and try and be clever or cute or quippy. You can say "That's okay. Take a moment to think about it". What would you say if you did know? Maybe if you were brave you could try that. What you want to do is to increase their comfort. I want to teach them resilience. Now is not the right time. Now is not the right time. It's a time in a place. This is not the time. Here are some ways to move past this roadblock. Acknowledge the difficulty. It can be hard to put feelings into words. Let's try figuring it out together. It's a good one. Offer options. Hey, would it be more like feeling scared or is it more like feeling worried? What are you feeling? What do you think? Use scales on a scale of 1 to 10. How anxious are you feeling right now? Use your fingers. Show me. Explore physical sensations even if you're not sure why you are feeling anxious. Can you tell me how your body feels? Ask about specific situations or times of the day rather than general questions about anxiety. You know that period after school, I noticed that you were not your usual self. I'm just curious. Did that start just after school or before school? Give time in space. Let them know it's okay to think about it and come back to the conversation later. You want to create a neutral space for ongoing dialogue. Opening up about anxiety or emotions is not a one-time conversation. It's an ongoing process. Here are some tips to create a supportive, neutral environment. You have to set aside regular check-in times. You need to be deliberate and intentional. This could be daily or it could be weekly, depending on your child's needs. Practice active listening. Give your full attention. Avoid interrupting. Reflect what you hear. Validate their feelings. Avoid dismissing concerns or rushing to problem solve. Be patient. It might take time for your child to feel comfortable discussing their anxiety openly, especially if they're not used to that, to you being patient. Do persist. Do persevere and be intentional. Model. Open. Communication. Kids are like sponges. They watch you. They see you. They absorb those implicit, explicit lessons that you want to teach them, whether you like it or not. Share your own feelings and coping strategies when you face challenges, which can be quite tough. If you don't know how to do that, encourage you to reach out to someone who can help you with that. Celebrate small wins. Acknowledge and praise. Acknowledging and encouraging your child's efforts to face fears or talk about anxiety is an amazing thing. It helps you to inject some momentum into the momentum. Obviously, helping your anxious child to open up about their feelings can be challenging. But it's a rewarding process. Sorry, guys. My throat's starting to close up now. If your child's anxiety is so significant, it's impacting on daily life, do consider consulting a mental health professional who specializes in working with kids. By asking thoughtful questions and creating a neutral environment, you can foster a deeper understanding of your child's anxiety. Even if you're not going to be directly working with the pointy end of things, you might be working in collaboration with someone. But even if you do, these are really, really, really important principles. And you don't always get traction, but you do set down pathways for communication. You really do. Be patient, persistent, curious, compassionate in your efforts to support your child through their anxious journey. So as you try these conversations, keep in mind that your love and support and willingness to listen are powerful tools in helping your child navigate their anxiety. You also need to develop your own self-regulation skills, right? By working together, though, with your child on this very thing, I think you can really help them to develop confidence. Because you're doing it together. They say, "Hey, if my mom and dad can do this with me, they can do this through their struggle. Maybe I can learn something from that, too." And your child starts to develop those skills to manage anxiety and thrive. If you are eager to learn how to open and keep the door open, I highly recommend considering the foundations of connection course. You know, invaluable insights, wisdom from yours truly. And from you, you know, I learned from other people and learned from my mistakes. And my goodness, I made so many mistakes. And that was the... That's why I came up with this course, because I didn't want people to repeat those mistakes. Anyway, enough plugging for me. I should go and sleep. Thanks so much for listening, my friends. I'll put the questions up on the blog. But thanks so much for listening. I will catch you again next time. Bye.
