Insecurities of others are not your responsibility. Not only will it create tension, resentment, and burnout in a relationship, it's gonna create this constant cycle of needing to please over and over again. Let's talk about it. (upbeat music) Hey, hey, hey everybody and welcome back to The Positivity Experience. It's your girl Lori. Man, I'm excited that you are here. It is starting to feel like fall in the air and I'm loving every bit of that. Just was recently at the Renaissance Fair and that's always fun. I tried to go to the Renfest once a year, sometimes twice a year if I can, but it's just a nice little reminder of the fall and pretty soon fall festivals are coming into play. So I'm hoping that you guys are partaking in the fall time, in the Northeast. I guess if you're, or in the Northern Hemisphere, if you're in the Southern Hemisphere, you're like prepping for summer. So spring, summer. So yeah, but I'm happy to be on this side of it. And I cannot wait to talk to you about today's topic. It's a big one I see insecurities. Well, listen, we've all had insecurities, right? So let's kind of throw that out there. We've all carried insecurities. We've all had levels of insecurity or insecure about different things, but it's ours to process. It is ours to process. Insecurity is an internal thing. It's not a I'm gonna go fix it for you. And this is what's gonna keep you in that stuck cycle. It's gonna build resentment for you in other relationships. Now, the other side of, well, not the other side, but in conjunction with that is the fact if you're a people pleaser. So if you're a people pleaser, we know that people pleasing, there's definitely a bit of manipulation that comes into play. We're gonna kind of talk about all of that. We're not gonna jump into the people pleasing 'cause there's an entire podcast episode on people pleasing. If you feel as though you're a people pleaser, go listen to that. We're just gonna touch the top surfaces. Over on Patreon, there is going to be a worksheet and it is going to be a worksheet that's gonna really have you go internal as to why you feel the need to take on somebody else's insecurity and it's gonna allow you to kind of get some distance because a lot of times we can't see the forest through the trees 'cause we're in our head, right? So it's hard to think outside of that if we're in an emotional space, respond or reacting out of emotion. You'd never respond out of emotion. You react out of emotion. And it's gonna help you understand it. So if you're really interested in getting a worksheet to kind of see where you can start, jump over to Patreon. That's patreon.com/thepositivityexperience or anywhere that you're getting the show right now, if you go into the description, there is a link that will take you right there. So let's do that. So let's jump into it because going back into the beginning when I said there's insecurities, we all have them, right? We have insecurities based on our experiences, based on, well, experiences are also childhood, but childhood experiences, things that you've been kind of under the obligation in somebody else's mind to do. And then you don't get it. And then now you're in perfectionism. And now we have insecurities about everything. That's okay 'cause that's how we grow. Like we grow by going, okay, this was never mind a process. Let me learn more and more about myself. That is beautiful. It is not beautiful to put those insecurities and need that reassurance onto other people. It is not okay. It is not okay. And do not think that you are obligated to fulfill their insecurities. You are not. And that's what we're gonna talk a little bit about here. But now it's good to listen to it from the other perspective. And you always do so with compassion. Never look at yourself and go, oh my gosh, can't believe I'm doing this. I feel so guilty, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What's wrong with me? Nothing's wrong with you? Just a little scattered. We just need to get you like, oh, let's unbox that, just a smidge. So going into it, if you hear that this is you, let's say it's not just you protecting your piece, but it's also you on this side. No need to get upset about it, just be aware. That's the whole reason, like even on the Patreon for the worksheets, it's always about you. 'Cause it really isn't everybody else. It really is always you. And what we allow and stuff like that, but if you don't have the tools, you don't have the tools. So it's a good first reminder. But you are never responsible to assure their insecurities. 'Cause again, insecurities, an internal issue, inside. So anytime you are dealing with trying to reassure someone, and I don't mean like, yeah, I'm sure. Like, okay, yeah, I mean, that's fine. Hey, are you sure you're not? Hey, are you upset with me? No, I'm not mad, period. We don't need to go into, oh my God, are you sure? (sighs) Wait, like, are you really not mad? Uh-uh, we're not gonna go down there. Hey, are you upset with me? No, I'm not. Or yes, I am, and then tell them why. One time. So yes, part of communication is carrying on a conversation, but it's also establishing a boundary that I'm not gonna feed into this. Because if somebody is insecure, I don't care what it is that you say to them. Even if it's just quick, and I talk about that later on, it's a fast fix, it's a fast fix. Oh, good, okay, huh. I mean, but is that so? 'Cause now there's a constant question. So when you're dealing with someone who's got a high level of insecurity, you're going to be dealing with something that you're never going to satisfy and please. Insert the people pleasing. Okay, people pleasing, yes, it carries manipulation. I'm not saying you're in the corner saying, I'm gonna manipulate everybody. But people pleasing is a level of manipulation, even if it's unintentional. Because do people please means that you are going to feel appreciated, or that you would like to feel appreciated, you would like to feel valued, you would like to do those things. And listen, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with not having people saying you're worth and your value. Nobody said that. But it's when you're trying to do that to show a purpose. It's to do that, to get them to change a mindset, to then kind of bring you in. That's like an inclusion. People pleasing carries a lot of I need to have inclusion. Again, people pleasing is also an insecurity, and that's an inside job. And it's one self-perceptions of their past experiences, their traumas, and their personal narratives. You cannot fix these for somebody. Do not allow yourself to do psychological projections that we talked about a couple of weeks ago, and feel rejected like we did last week, like we talked about last week. You don't want to allow that to kind of be like, "Oh, I know how it feels," right? 'Cause now we go into psychological projections. I know how it feels to be insecure. Of course, we all do, right? I know how it feels. So I want to stop them from feeling insecure. Okay, so you see this, right? We go into people pleasing, we fear conflict. There's a conglomeration here. Fear conflict, people pleasing, lack of your own self-esteem, need to solve problems, a little level of perfectionism, and definitely psychological projection of, "I know how they feel. I want to prevent their insecurities." It cannot and will not happen. Do not do that. Do not do that, because what that's gonna do is it's going to create this idea that you can make these changes, you can do these shifts, none of what you can. It is someone's internal. Think about, now I'm gonna put this on you from it. Think about a time you've been insecure or something. It doesn't even have to be a relationship. Let's not, it doesn't have to be deep. Just something that you feel insecure about. And I don't know, you ask somebody, and they go, "Oh, no, no, no, I don't think so. I think that that looks great." Something as simple as a shirt. Okay, I kind of like this shirt, but I don't know. I don't know, I feel a little weird about it. So first time I've worn something tight in a while. I don't know. Okay, hey, Becky, how does this shirt look? Oh, I think it looks great. Do you really think so? You just asked her, she said, "Yes." So now if you're gonna go into your mindset of like, is she just saying that 'cause she's my friend? She has to say that 'cause she, now it doesn't matter. It has no bearings as she said, "Yes." It's fine, none. 'Cause you're like, "Oh, okay." But then you don't believe it. So then you think there's an agenda as to why she would say it, or she's just being kind. So you don't believe it any damn way. So really think about that. And then when you're trying to project that in saying that you can fix somebody, quote unquote, fix somebody, or you can make them feel, quote unquote, better about the situation and not insecure anymore. No, you know that because you've been there. So if you're gonna psychologically project, let's remember how you very often don't believe what somebody is telling you when you have your insecurity. So if you're in a relationship, and now this person's like, "Oh my gosh, "like you never reach out to me 500 times a day." And I don't know, and like, "Are you sure you're into me?" Yes, yes, I care about you. But I'm busy during the day, I'm not gonna message you all the time. Okay, no problem, I understand, I understand. No, they don't. They can say the verbal, "They don't." That has nothing to do with it. Because they're gonna hear it, and then they're gonna be like, "Huh, okay, okay, cool, cool, cool." And the moment they have an insecure thought, or you went out to a dinner event, there were a bunch of girls there, or guys there, whomever. And now they're insecure. No, you do not need to put your life on hold, and not go out with your friends, and not go to places because of their insecurity. Does not need to happen. So if you find yourself doing that, you might go, "Hmm, why am I staying in this position?" Because you need the emotional autonomy. A person is responsible. Each individual is responsible of regulating your own emotions, and learning how to do that. Sometimes it's harder. Sometimes you're dealing with other emotional issues, and different things that you're still working on, in order to balance that emotional regulation. But it's not this person's job to do that. So it's not your job to kind of go, "Okay, it's okay. Like I know you're having a hard time with emotional regulation. Let me walk on eggshells. Gonna breed resentment. Now you will get pissed off. You will get mad. At some point you're gonna feel frustrated. You just are. And you have to remember that there's an attachment theory here. Secure people. Go listen to my attachment series on YouTube. I'm even gonna do something a little bit more here. I've done it in the past. People want me to do it again, so I will. But even when you're in attachment, secure people know that your self-worth comes from within, and it does not rely upon somebody else. If you're in anxious or even avoidant, but definitely anxious or disorganized, you're going to be under this impression that someone can validate your insecurity by letting you know it's okay to feel secure because they can make you feel secure. But then you expect them to make you feel secure. And now you're still gonna say that they're not making you feel secure 'cause you're still insecure. Make that a drinking game. You could be buzzed by now. Every time I say secure insecurity. But I think that that's the important part because you're gonna foster dependency versus independency. If you're chronically, chronically. Yes, reassuring, reassuring. That person is now gonna become overly dependent on you. So you're really not accomplishing anything that you think that you're accomplishing. Because not only, again, once is perfectly fine. Yes, girl, yes, I'm fine. I'm not angry with you. Are you sure now we're gonna get annoyed? Yes, I'm positive. Because quite honestly, even if I'm not sure, and I don't have the wherewithal to have this conversation and go into the conflict or fear of and which I'm quote unquote having, then that's a me issue anyway. So you don't wanna deal with that. Then that's my own insecurity. So again, secure attachment goes, oh man. Okay, I can be a little bit messy and it's my job to clean up mess on aisle three. It's not your job to do that. And the more you do it, the more you create dependency from that person onto you. You're also enabling the issue. Yes, you are. Constant reassurance is reassuring them that they have an inability to their own feelings. Like, okay, well, this person, poor person. Like they are always so upset and stressed about it. You know what? Let me level set this ahead of time. Let me let them know how I'm not mad. I'm okay. I'm doing all of these things. So now you don't feel insecure. You just created not only dependency. You've also reinforced the fact that they are not capable of doing the hard work to go through their insecurity. That's exactly what you're doing. You're like, okay, okay, let me walk on eggshells. Let me make sure that every eye cross every tea. Let me let them know these things. By doing so, you're also gonna get very annoyed very quickly. 'Cause at first you're like, no big deal. I get it, I get it, all good. And the fifth time that you're doing this and the goal post is gonna move back. So person goes, oh, well, just, just, okay, cool. Like I'm working through some stuff, love that. So maybe, could you just send me an extra text maybe through the day? Okay, very temporary. If you're gonna do this, very temporary. Okay, listen, I'm doing that for the next couple of weeks. But after that, I'm not doing it. Like there has to be time bound. Don't just be like, okay, and now you've adopted this. So now once again, you're creating this level of dependency. So now you're doing this for a few weeks. You're like, okay, a couple of days. You're like, thank God, okay, it's better. No, we're about a weekend. Now it's not just the text. Now it's like, do you have to go to poker on every Thursday? I just feel some kind of way. Like, you know, I feel insecure about it. Could you not go all four weeks? Now again, now we're starting to see a trend. So now it's up to you to be observant of this. But let's say I would not be me and it would not be a lot of my clients. But let's say you go, okay, fine. Like, you know what? I'm gonna do three weeks, that's it. But hey, I'm only gonna do that until the end of the year and I'm picking back up. So you gotta make sure that you're doing this. Okay, that Thursday, you're off great. You guys spend it together, you're going to dinner. Life is great. Now the very next Thursday, we're not telling you not to go, but now we're being a little bitchy and a little short. So it's like, oh, okay, well, yeah, I guess, yep. Go have a good time, hmm. Okay, well what the hell was that? So again, now the following week, we're doing another thing. So there's a chronic movement of the goal post. So if you start doing that now, you're gonna start adding new things and adding new things and adding new things. And now you're gonna get really upset at some point when you're like, what the hell? Like I keep making all of these changes, don't do that. Do not do that. It is this person's role, yours, yours actually for yourself. But this is this person's job to work through whatever insecurities that they're carrying. That's on them and that's on you for your own. It's not fair to put on somebody else. I use this example all the time. If you're getting out of a relationship, let's call it a love relationship. If you're getting out of a love relationship and this person, like you felt betrayal, you felt all of these things, do not jump into this relationship. Work on this, stay alone, stay by yourself, year, two years, five years, whatever it needs to be. Before you go jumping into this relationship because it is not this person's job to heal what this person did. So you gotta remember that because you're gonna find yourself constantly doing, constantly doing. And I promise you you are creating co-dependency for the person, not the other way around. To where you're like, oh, if they feel safe and comfortable, then they can be more independent. No, that's not gonna happen. 'Cause now they're gonna chronically come back to you and be like, man, I'm not feeling great. Let me call them, hey, this is how I'm feeling. Okay, first time you're like, yeah, no big deal, like I'm here for you. After a while, that here for you is gonna become a really big problem. And you may have already seen it in a lot of your relationships. By the way, this can be in friendships. But I was talking about specifically love relationships. This is in every relationship. If you become the person who's always gonna pick up the phone at every time that the person needs to call or needs to go through something. Again, great to be there. Not great to create this high level of co-dependency. And that's what you're doing. So you're allowing them what you are putting yourself in a position to allow them to be co-dependent upon you. Now, for people pleasers, they kinda like it. A people pleaser goes, they need me. Wow, they seem like, they need me. That is going to create a perfect storm of hell because the co-dependent person is looking to you for reassurance. You're like, I can give you that reassurance, yay. That seems all good in the beginning. Number one, it's completely toxic, completely unhealthy. And now we've created this co-dependency upon each other. So the moment a mood shifts or somebody does something different, it is like an explosion of emotion. And then there's that level of resentment, there's emotional burnout. When you are to really think about this, let's say you're recovering people pleaser or you're in it now, how emotionally burned out do you feel by trying to manage their insecurities? Right? Think about that. If you're like, yeah, no, no big deal. And you're chronically having to do it. And it's every turn. If it's not this, it's this, if it's not that, it's that. That is emotional burnout. You cannot manage other people's emotions. It is not your job. And by doing so, by the way, you're also avoiding your own emotions. So very often when people pleasers go into, please, please, please, please, please, please, you're avoiding yourself completely. 'Cause you are looking at it as though you can achieve something externally, right? So if I please people, I'm gonna feel validated. If I'm validated, I'm gonna feel great about myself. You will not. And if you are, it's this long, it lasts this long. It is a temporary fix, a temporary workaround. And if you're not ready to accept that, then that's how you know that these podcasts, I mean, these worksheets that accompany the podcast is gonna be very helpful for you. Because we often want it to be, it's, no, we know that there's reasons. These reasons are very real. Your bad childhood, different traumas, very freakin' real, very valid. It is not an excuse. So what you may find also is, are the other people who you're, quote unquote, reassuring or who they're seeking reassurance. You can't heal their trauma. You can't make them feel whole. You can say I'm here for you. I'm happy to provide resources like, hey, you wanna be a soundboard, just let me know. And I'll make sure I'm available from time to time. Beautiful, love that. But it is not your job to reassure them based on psychological projections on your end. Psychological projections will get you in trouble and not at the time. Because you're always putting yourself in their position. That does not mean that you don't have empathy if you're not doing that. You can have empathy. You're just not taking it on. Taking on somebody's stuff is a lot of work. It's very, very stressful. Very, very stressful. So think about, you'll see this a lot in adults with adult children, in even younger children, actually. There's this weird level of ameshment, in dependency, where the person feels responsible for taking care of the parent. This is also where people, pleasing, can stem from, by the way, and perfectionism, and a million other traumas. But if you felt as though your parent, mom, dad, sibling, whatever, was a person that you had to kind of make feel okay, this is gonna create a trend. This is gonna create something. But really think about it. And how many times have you said yourself, my God, I can't please this person? Maybe it's your mom, maybe it's your friend. Okay, you're like, are you serious right now? Like really, it doesn't matter what I do. It's just not enough. But there you sit, keep trying. I'm gonna keep trying. One day, I'm gonna, and even if you do, it's like, yay, they're pleased with me. And then the next day you do the same thing. And they're like, no, that's not what I like. And you're like, wait, what? Like, what? So there's a dualality there. And this is why that emotional burnout is a very, very real thing. Very real thing. And it's gonna breed high levels of resentment. And you also have to understand that in people pleasing, there's a level of victim mentality, right? Go back to the victim mentality podcast as well, and worksheet. But there's a level of victim mentality that comes along with that. 'Cause people pleasing 100% of the times at some point, maybe not in the beginning, at some point, will make the person who's trying to people please feel undervalued. Now we're gonna go into a victim mind space. I feel underappreciated. Underappreciated because I'm constantly showing up for them, constantly letting them know that I'm trying to make you feel secure. I'm constantly doing this. And I never feel like I'm getting anything in return. I never feel appreciated. Number one, stop doing it. 'Cause again, there's only so much that we can keep blaming that person keeps taking person. Okay, if I keep giving you candy every single day at nine o'clock, I walk in, I give you candy. I walk in, I give you candy. Walk in, I give you candy. And then you keep taking the candy. And I'm thinking, man, I'd like to have a piece of candy. And you go, yeah, I just ate the last piece. I'm not gonna go get some more. And now I'm like, I don't understand why. I'm giving them candy all the time. They can't give me candy back. Well, maybe you re-established that ahead of time. Hey, I'm gonna give you some candy, but listen, I'm telling you at some point, I'm gonna need some candy. Establish these things. But then if I get mad at you that you keep taking all the candy, that's on me. I gotta stop giving you the damn candy. So, gotta remember that in people pleasing, you're going to see victim mentality. 'Cause you're always gonna feel like you care more, do not say those words. I care more than other, don't do that. Do not do that. That goes into victim mentality. So if you're going into it and you want to be there for someone, if in fact you want something in return, make sure that that's established number one. And be there for people. That's how we create community. That's how we create good relationships that fosters autonomy and, you know, kind of interdependence, interdependence. Interconnections, not interdependence, never that. But, you know, the interconnections and how we have, you know, interpersonal skills. But please remember that. So if you're trying to go into it and really think about a time, maybe you're through this, but let's say you're in it. Think about a time that you kept trying to please somebody. Let's say it's a parent, constantly. And by the way, you're an adult. 'Cause as a child, it's hard for you. You don't have the emotional, where with all your, you know, your amygdala is like, all crazy and your frontal lobe is there. Okay. But as an adult child, if you're 38, 39, 59, 20, that you keep trying to make mom happy. You keep trying to do that. How many times do you feel resentful? Do you even want to be around that person anymore? Or is it like, here we go, this shit again. You got to remember that. So if you're going to psychologically project, you better remember how this works on you. Because then you're going to be like, well, I did this for mom, I did this for mom, we did here, we did there. And it's like she doesn't appreciate it. You should know this by now. We are not new here. When somebody has set a pattern as to their behaviors, their actions, their words, when they have set that, stop trying to make it different. Stop trying to change that. I will never tell you that people can't change. That's not a true statement. I say it all the time. People have changed at 90. People have never changed at 50, 60 and have no desire to. None of that is in your control, not even a smidge. So it will breed, it'll breed the resentments. And then there's this like unfair expectation that now, because you keep reassuring, that other people who you're reassuring has. This is a very, very unfair expectation. Because now they're going to be expecting reassurance from you across the board at all times. This is why you cannot all be readily available. This is for any relationship, by the way, has nothing to do with insecurities, this part. Stop being readily available. Stop being like, oh, every time, okay, I'm here, I'm there. You're always showing up. You're always doing this. Stop doing that because you're creating this expectation. So if the insecure person is looking to you for reassurance because you're always that person, oh, that is so hard for you. Because that expecting of that, it's creating this big expectation. And now you decide you're going to set boundaries. Like, okay, this is exhausting, I can't do this anymore. You're like, I just can't, I can't do this anymore. Now you set a boundary, now it's suddenly, you're the villain. Oh, okay, my bad, fine. I just was hoping that I had somebody to talk to. I'm so sorry that I put you out. It will never happen again. Sound familiar? 'Cause I guarantee you it has. Maybe not in those exact words. You've heard that though. I know you've heard that because now you put yourself as a priority or you do something or you don't show up based on an expectation that they're insecurities of needing to be valued because they don't value themselves, so to speak. Now we're upset because that's why I said be the best villain you can. Allow yourself to walk into your villain era and love to be there. Because the moment you start setting boundaries and you start becoming the villain, you know that you are on the right path of growth. You are absolutely on the right path of growth because those people who had the insecurity and now became so co-dependent on you and created these expectations that you were always gonna be there regardless of the day, the night, the situation, they've set this precedence. And now you're gonna see that that's very unfair expectations. And you will never, and should never try to make a person feel secure. It is a member I was talking about, temporary fix. It is a temporary fix. Think, I'm gonna put this back on you again. You're in some insecurity and you get some reassurance. Somebody's like, oh yeah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, so just feel that. And it's a good reassurance. You're like, yes, and it just feels, okay, good, that's all I needed. Oh, it ain't gonna stay like that. Oh, it's not gonna stay that way. So now you're like, okay, cool, I love this. Now, anything, friendship. So now, okay, let's use this friendship. So now, yay, just because of you don't eyes, invite you to the mall, doesn't mean that we don't love you, blah, blah, okay, cool. You're like, oh my God, I feel so much better 'cause now they included you in on something, life was great. And then you see on Snap, 'cause I'm not gonna check in with you every time I go out with our other friend. I'm not gonna be like, hey. So me and Mandy, you're gonna go out. Like it's nothing personal. Like we're not doing that. That's coddling, they're in security. We will never do that. So now on Snap, because you're an adult, you don't have to ask people's permission, you're on Snap and this person who's just reassured sees you guys out. And you're seeing a horror movie. Now, this person knows that they don't even like horror movies. I love horror movies, love them. So why would I invite you in the first place? I don't want you to be there. If you're gonna be sitting there and you're gonna be complaining about the movie. I don't want you there, period. So now if the person looks at that and goes, I feel insecurity again, because they're still not including me. But you felt fine yesterday. So you have to remember it is a temporary fix. This is why it is not your job to do it. Reassurance is a temporary solution to someone who hasn't worked on their stuff. And again, the reassurance is only gonna carry so much weight anyway, because they're only gonna believe what it is that they believe. Insecurities are reinforced by external validation every single time. No amount of assurance, none will be enough. And they will always need more. Moving the goal post, right? Oh, please don't, please text me one more time. Okay, cool, cool, cool. Oh God, that's not quite enough. I also need you to not do the, fine. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, now we're constantly moving the goal post, which is absolutely manipulation and guilt tripping and all of those other things in control, but it is not always planned. So sometimes people hear manipulation and they're like, "Well, I'm not, I didn't try to manipulate." No, nobody says that everybody in the corners wringling their hands going, "I'm gonna manipulate it." But when you're insecure, you're willing to do just about anything to try to feel secure. So again, this is why you cannot sit there and keep trying to fix their insecurities. Again, it will constantly be there. And once you start it, it's now a dependency. It is an expectation and you can't fix it. Nor should you fix it. And let me tell you, there's times that you're gonna have to really look within and say, why am I partaking in this relationship? That's part of growth. I say this to every single client from day one, day one. It's one of the first conversations I have. Are you ready for this growth? And of course, it's like, yeah, yeah, okay, cool, cool, cool. What are you willing to distance from people? It could be every single person in your life. It could be none. Are you willing to go into the unknown? And in the beginning, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure, no problem until you're faced with that. Are you willing to be the villain? Are you willing to distance, including your mom? Are you willing to do that? Because it becomes a toxic dynamic. This is where you have to say, is this relationship, whatever that relationship is, is this in toxic dynamics? Is there a level of manipulation, even if it's unintentional, guilt tripping, gaslighting? Is there emotional blackmail involved? Do you feel constantly in stress mode and walking on eggshells? Are you trying to manage their emotions? If you said yes to two of those things, even one, especially one, but let's say you get through the first one, two or more of those things, you really have to say, why am I here? Why am I in this relationship? And then ask yourself, are you falling in love with the idea of the hope, right? Love that you have hope in this world. We all got to have hope for change. Not enough to stay, never enough to stay. Because what will happen is you're gonna see them make a move or do some work and do that and you're gonna start seeing it. See it, maybe it's a glimmer of it. And you're like, oh, thank God. Oh, you're finally getting it. And then whoo, everything seems good for two weeks because you're doing everything that they want you to do to reassure them and the moment that you do something differently. Now we're back into insecure mode. Do you find that people are doing what I said? Move in the goal post, hey, could you not do this? Hey, let's not do this. Please call me more, please do that. Are you finding that they're constantly moving that goal post? Are you seeing that your own action? So now that's on them. Now we're gonna put this back on you for your own toxic side of it because they're not, one person is always the sole person. Two people, you guys are a couple of them? Guess what? That couple of them, both of you are responsible for where it is. Is that relationship gonna continue? Is it not? So now this is where you check yourself and so where you say, okay. Am I, feeling as though I have some toxic dynamics on my side, not what they're doing, on my side. Am I trying to people please it? Am I looking to them to make me feel whole? Do I feel like I have to be with them all the time? These are toxic traits here, but they are also a great thing because it highlights the areas that you need to work on. So that's how you always have to look at these things that you may feel toxic about yourself. Yay, we actually want them there, not necessarily with other people, but we want them there so you can see what is still exposed and what wounds are still there that you haven't healed. But you gotta first be honest about it, right? That's why I said that that works this week is gonna be like, oh God, that's me. Okay, oh don't do it. But you need the awareness. If you don't have the self-awareness and you're not willing to go into the unknown, you're gonna create and continue the cycle. And you're gonna feel emotionally drained. You're gonna feel, I guess like, unappreciated because you keep giving that person the same advice and they're not taking the advice. But in your mind, if they would just take that advice, their life would be so much better because again, now we're psychologically projecting. So now you can see how like all of this kind of goes hand in hand. None of these podcasts or anybody else's for that matter is a standalone podcast. Ever, ever, it's not a standalone therapy treatment. It's a, no, they're all gonna go together. And when you look at your own insecurities, of course that's people policing, right? You're able to see why, and this is where you ask yourself, why? Why do I feel the need to try to fix them? Is it because you don't like the conflict? 'Cause it could be that simple. Oh God, I just don't wanna hear their mouth. It's so much easier to just do this shit because I don't want to have a confrontation. I don't wanna do that, so I'm gonna do it anyway. Again, look at yourself. It's a great thing when you find yourself getting disappointed because you feel like you keep giving and giving and giving and you're showing up for them and then you also feel undervalued or like they're ignoring you because you gave them that reassurance and then they went to their other friend and asked for the same reassurance after you gave them the reassurance on your side. Like that's why you gotta ask yourself, what am I contributing here? What toxic dynamic am I putting into this relationship of trying to fix somebody's insecurities or even like avoiding my own? What am I resisting? Because that's gonna help you. It's gonna help you establish a boundary not just for them, but for you. Very often, and I have a boundaries podcast too, go back and list it. You keep looking at the boundaries for other people. They're never for them. Never once is a boundary for a specific person or people in general. It is a protector and not a protector, that sounds like a barrier. It is an enhancement for your own personal growth and your personal piece. That's what it is. If you see it as anything other, you're acting out of feelings and that's not where you wanna operate from. So when you notice this and you say, why am I doing it? Why do I keep looking for somebody else's approval? Well, now you know, and that's where you work on a great, celebrate it, be happy that it's there. 'Cause you can see it. But do check yourself. Look at the relationships close around you. It's not always gonna be your way. It's not all gonna be sunshine and roses, but do look at it on a scale. Is it more problematic due to the fact that they constantly need that reassurance than it isn't? And do not keep coddling through the whole thing. And it's a great, great way to foster healthy relationships, foster independence, allow yourself to actually have conversations while feeling vulnerable and feeling comfortable because you're creating it from a friendship perspective. We're gonna not have great days. We're gonna have insecure days. We're gonna feel some kind of way, but remember that that's a reflection on what the person needs, or it's a highlight, on what the person needs to work on. And it isn't your job to come in on your horse with your sword drawn to save the day. 'Cause you will get upset, you will get angry. And then so will the other person when you tell them that you can't do it anymore. So let's start to set those boundaries and stop taking on other peoples and securities. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) [BLANK_AUDIO]
