In Bed With Alexa
Queer, Kinky, and Inclusive Sex Parties: Welcome to Quench (ft. Lily)
Sexologist Alexa Andre (@sexwithalexa) is joined by Lily, co-founder of @quench_london, a unique queer party that centers people who are queer, kinky, of colour, trans, neurodivergent, disabled, and of all sizes. In this episode, we talk about who can attend Quench, what to expect when you walk through the doors, where you're allowed to play, and how they prioritize safety and inclusivity for everyone. Lily also shares Quench's journey, their dream venue and theme nights, and some unforgettable moments in the party’s history.
- Broadcast on:
- 25 Sep 2024
- Audio Format:
- other
(upbeat music) - Lily. - Hi. - Are you ready to get in bed with me? - Oh, I thought you never asked. I'm ready. - In bed, I mean lounge in the country's weakest, where? - I'm not kind of out there. - London. - Same, on any surface. - Any surface will do, as long as it's, I was gonna say comfy, but-- - No, I'm not kidding. You can't just work too, like. - Oh, no, no, that's smart. - Maybe if it's like a good view. - Like a big, a big flat rock. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like a spiky rock. - No, no, not too spiky. - Okay, great, great. - All right, everyone, this is Lily, Quench Co-Founder, Tattoo Artist By Trade and Community Creator. - Yeah. - What does that name say? (laughs) - Definitely creator of communities, I'll tell you that. - What does that mean, tell me? - It means I love people, I'm a people person, and I like creating spaces where specifically queer people can thrive and flourish in environments that are away from the heteronormative mainstream games, but I'd say even before this, I was keen on just creating that community around something that we all love, we share a passion for, bring people together. That's my vibe. - Love it. So tell me about how did Quench start? Like there's, so Quench is basically a queer, BIPOC focus play party in London. There are plenty, there are so many play parties in London, so how did you see a gap in the market? How, what was the journey like, tell me? - Yeah, for me, it was always about the music specifically. There's a lot of kinky nights, a lot of queer nights, but it's quite heavily techno-based, house-based, right? EDM kind of dance music vibe. And me, I'm an Afro beats galley, I like hip hop, I like just more like vibzy carnival music. So that was the gap for me. A party that I worked at previously, like a play party had shut down, and I just missed the community so much, I missed those weekly interactions, I missed bumping into people or having chats in the dance floor and the smoking area about the things I really care about, about ethical nominogamy or about the scene and parties. And so once that shut down, I was like, I need the space, not only for me, but for everyone else who was kind of missing it. So I was like, let me do it my way though. Let me put the music I want and focus it more about the community, rather than like throwing a party and like being really responsive to the community. - Why are Brits so obsessed with electrical music and like raves? - Pay? - I don't, I wish I could tell you 'cause I don't get it personally. And I also, I'm like, first of all, I can't hear anything anyone's saying. And second of all, how do you even dance to this? Like, no. - I know, I know "Shade" at all because like people have so much fun. Yeah, like that's what I just put. - Oh, I swear every three words. - Okay, cool. - Yeah, just second. So, but like, yeah, I get no shade, love those parties, they exist for a reason 'cause it's clearly a market for them 'cause they get sold out and they get put. - Oh, no, no, yeah, they can't. - I couldn't tell you about what it is about the music that the people like. I guess specific types of, I don't know, it's dancing interactions. But for me, I like, I need to feel like centrally connected to the music, especially at a play. - I want lyrics. I want to sing along, right? I want to be silly and do all my stuff but dance for them. - I just don't know how to react. - Yeah, hard agree. - Hard agree. - And I saw that you guys are gonna do an earlier one 'cause I'm also like, I'm such a fucking early bird. I want the date I want. I want the ones that are at 1 p.m., you know? - Yeah, you're in bed by 10 11. - Yeah, like one to seven and you're like, go have dinner. - Play party. - Yeah, literally a big brunch. - Play party. - Yeah. - Home time. - Snack. - Snack. - A little bit of crumpet, camp crumpet. - Literally. Literally. - I fully agree, but again, kind of based on clubs and what times they have. So this one, we were like, can we have a bit more leeway? And they said, yeah, at the earliest, we can start as mine at this one. So I'm excited. Especially 'cause the days end later, they're long at the minute. So-- - The sun sits like 9.30 down. - I know, something. - You hear it? - Yeah. I know, I brought the sun to London, so. - They're very incredible. (laughs) - Okay, so how hard is it to fucking do this? Like, you were like, let me do it by way, but like, is it actually that easy to just say that and do it or not really? - I wish it was. I wish it was, but it's gotten easier. But like, even our first party we were ever gonna host, Fama's gorgeous venue was super excited. It was the first place we'd even seen. And their owners were like, yep, you can do this, this and this. We were like, lighting, performers, done. Perfect capacity, 300. Like, this is stunning, like close to my house. Even better. And then literally like two weeks before the event, they were like, sorry, we're gonna have to pull this event because we've had issues with the council and police and da-da-da-da, they're under some sort of whatever it is. Like, they basically were just like, we can't do any at parties that involves sex. And we had to find a venue last minute. And we found this like definitely not appropriate, but we made it fucking work. It was literally someone's gaff, but it was like a old community hall. We made it work and shout out to the people who have stopped by our side from there. Like we had a cloakroom scenario fiasco, which everyone will remember if they were there. 300 items in bin bags, shout out to the staff. But yeah. So thinking like, yeah, we'll just start a party. Yeah, the venues are hard to find appropriate licensing, while appropriate relationships with the stigma around sex and play parties is still very much there, even though in our little bubbles, we-- Yeah, I love my bubble whenever it-- So I'm on both to them like, this is the real world. I mean, echo chamber, like, no, literally. But then like, you realize to be successful, not even successful, but to be safe and to be with venues which treat these parties with the way we want to be. We do need kind of mainstream council members on side or venues outside. Okay, and did you feel like the other parties were very, like, were not very queer friendly? Or like, why did you decide to really focus on BIPOC and queer people? Firstly, so my partner who I run it with, big shots, Logan-- Love it. Couldn't make it today. Couldn't make it today. So I'm speaking on behalf of both of us, on behalf of Quench. He's a black queer man. I am a queer woman, I'm a parent as a she/her. And again, it was about that music and filling that whole pun intended of like, there are people who are like us. There are people who want access to these spaces, but it is a very white scene. It is a very, even like in terms of financially accessible, like buying outfits, things like that, it can be very elitist in what is allowed and not allowed. So we just wanted something that was a bit more accessible and also the played music that represented our love for music that isn't your standard techno queer DJ. Not, no shades. Again. But yeah, no, I'm kidding. OK, so what's it or was it not a very, like, did you just fall into being so inclusive where you act intentional? Intentional, super intentional. That goes from like the DJs we book, how we market ourselves, like we primarily booked femme POC DJs for all of our parties over the last year and a bit, how we market ourselves to making sure there's visual representation of black and brown bodies and obviously queer people making sure in our vetting and our marketing were being super specific about like, if you want access to the space, know who this space is for and you are a guest here if you're not fitting into that category. But we also thinking about neurodivergent babes, we're thinking about different body babes, disabled babes and how we can make our party as accessible as possible to people who can't access mainstream club events in general, like. OK, and have you received any feedback or like, oh, actually, there's this missing or it's not inclusive enough or like it's not accessible enough? Like, there's one venue, like, the same. Hey! Yeah, and this is again talking about challenges. The community is not a monolith. So even though we say we're looking out for these groups of people, those groups of people are not the same and do not have the same experiences and expectations and desires. So within that, we're always going to disappoint someone and there's always going to be feedback, which is you've missed out this group or you've maybe didn't think about this and something we're constantly reiterating like on our own platforms, on quenchcast, is the perfect value doesn't exist in London. Like, the venue we want doesn't exist. We want it to be all on one floor. We want it to have toilets that aren't slipped by genders. We want it to have like a chill out space which is separate to the music room which could separate to a medical space, which is, do you know what I mean? Like, we want to have breakout spaces. So we're always going to disappoint someone sadly. But in general, the feedback is really, really good. - Yes, but if you can make the change, you'll make it obvious. - Of course, yeah, yeah. And we do feedback forms after every event. So we're always like, if we can make the change, we will like reduce ticket sales. We will have more monitors, well, we have a lot of monitors present. We will do training in a different way. We'll think about dress code nuances. All of these things to be reactive. But yeah, there's no such thing as a perfect event. - Yeah, no, yeah. So if someone that has never been to a play party went to a quench party, what could they expect? Like, what does it look like? - It depends which venue are at to be honest. - Let's talk about Friday 'cause I was gonna go and then I could make it. So tell me how that one was like. - Friday was fun. It was in a new venue, neon dream theme. So you walk in and everyone's lit up under these. - You can go by. - No, no, no, you're just like all of these popping colors. You know under UV light and it's just like, everything's super bright. And so you're watching all these like dancing, moving, sexy bodies covered with these like bright flashes of paint. We had a neon dream, a neon painter as well. She was amazing doing patterns on everyone. So everyone is like, glowed up. And then we had a playroom upstairs, which I think was one of my favorite playrooms. Yeah, it was sexy as fuck. We had all these amazing like big beds from T.G. And it was just really wholesome queer vibes. I know it sounds funny saying a play party's wholesome, but. - No, no, we've talked about this so much. It is so wholesome. - It's so wholesome. And like people checking in on each other, people having a good time, having a kiss and a cuddle. So some really, really fun like scenes. It's always fun when you like see the furniture we've had made. And you're like, this is getting used, in fact. Either way I want it to be, sexy splats. - And then there's like a chill out space as well, which is really cool just for people to try. - I'm non-dancers and stuff like that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's just like taking a moment. But you could still see the dance floor in this venue, which was really cool. - Okay, so you walk in, like doors open at 11. Say I got there 11, there's no one there or there were. Like once the peak, like one. - Ooh, good question. I'd say like it peaks around, yeah, like last entry is one. So everyone's in before one, half one. That's when it's probably the busiest. And then everyone takes a while to warm up. So like people, I think-- - Is it a playroom openness? - From the beginning, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the option's always there. But I think people around kind of like half one two start to use a playroom properly. There'll be people, gyps and drabs, but then it will get busy. So like dance floor peak around one, playroom peak around two, three. And then yeah, then people kind of just like chop and change in between. - Great, yeah. - Does a playroom ever get too busy that you have to like queue or wait or-- - We've had, I think, a couple of events with queues, but we're good on comms with like, okay, playroom manager, make sure that there's people kind of a good flow, make sure people aren't chatting and taking too long, like afterwards, obviously not interrupting any things. But we've also like kind of maximized on playroom space now 'cause we don't want people to queue. Like when the feedback is like, you know, it's not horny, not always waiting for 45 minutes, but luckily we've managed to reduce that by maximizing playroom space. Like more furniture, more things people to play on, more flat stuffs is. - Exactly. - Yeah. - So would it be frowned upon to play on the dance floor or is that fine? - It's not allowed, folks. Yeah, we don't allow play everywhere. We just allow play in the playroom strictly for monitoring and safeguarding purposes. Like it makes our job a lot easier when it's like, yes, here, no there. So if we see people getting that frisky in the dance floor, we do have to say, excuse me, Han, please take this to the playroom. This is not allowed. - How far could you possibly go? - Wait, you're trying to break rules. You're trying to get my stuff in trouble. Try to get in trouble. You can like be having a sexy smooch, but as soon as fingers are going in places or hands are going in places, it's not. - Well, this is still on, like, is that fine? - Yeah, but people aren't wearing much anyway. - That's true. - So it doesn't take much to go from clothes to not clothes. So like, no, I think just kissing, like sexy kissing, sexy dancing, and so fine. But as soon as, like, we get wandering hands, then there's the no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no other rules. - Okay, and do you ever have troubles sending people home? Like, do people want to stay until, like, the very last minute? - It depends on the DJ for sure. And like, how popping the crowd is. But no, again, with clubs, people are fairly used to club and culture in terms of lights are on, so they go out, and then at that point, it's kind of securities, you just create your steps in with the venue, and they start clearing people out. But there's always lawyers. There's always people who are like, oh my God, hi, that was amazing. You're like, hey, I'm trying to carry, like, tons of furniture outside. Let's chat online or whatever. - Exhausted. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, literally. You're like, I'm sweating tight. I've been here since fucking one o'clock, mate. So I need to go home, so. Yeah, but luckily people are very responsive to rules and stuff. - So you mentioned monitors, right? What else, first of all, what are monitors and second of all? What else do you do to keep this space safe? - Yes, so, safeguard and slash monitors. Big love to you guys. I define it as people who are there to intentionally, to keep the space intentional, to uphold the rules, regulations and standards that quench up holds, and that are ethos, and to be able to communicate with people in a empathetic and caring way, but to make sure that rules are enforced. I'd say safe is a hard word to use in these spaces, because safer, as safe as we can be, intentional, because again, there's what club is safe, with a whole conversation for another time. - What sexual act is safe, like it's just, you know. - Exactly, there's always risk still. - Can buy exactly, there's always risk. So monitoring, training, takes a big part of our time. We're extremely active on our WhatsApp groups, so making sure that as soon as there is an issue, we're getting the right people responding, we have our own in-house security, shout out, because they just add a little softness to like, and people know their face, rather than coming to a venue security, and it's all new security, and it's all kind of weird. So make sure that vetting process on the doors, which is asking questions, making sure people fit the vibe and ethos. - Yes, because you guys, anyone can buy a ticket, right? So how do you, like, when do you grab them, and you're like, these are the fucking rules, don't break them, like when do you, is it when they buy the ticket, do you send them an email, and when they get there, you're like, this are the fucking concept rules. - Mm-hmm. - Listen a little bit, Mommy, what? - Yeah, literally, I'm 100%. - How many times do you eat them? - Oh, babe. - Like, literally round our people's throats. So when people say, like, I didn't get the rules or the dress code, I'm like, well, you're literally not looking them. We do it on our Instagram, there's all of our questions to go on our website now. It's on the emails and the tickets so you get sent, and it's on, we also have a consent form that people have to sign, and that has, like, all the rules, again, reiterated. It's just, like, whether people put F into reading, as much F into reading as we do writing, - Yeah. - It makes it easy to weed out the people who are not there with the right intentions, and like, have you, like, just turned it down, people? - Definitely, like, we have an issue, not an issue, I think the scene has an issue with people who come to cruise and get lucky, and for people who say that's part of queer culture, great, I get it, but it's not part of queer culture, and that's not how I want our parties to feel. So that's been a big thing recently, is like, how do we make sure we're being super on it, on the doors beforehand and inside, about just getting those people out? - Well, they, okay, hold on. What do you mean cruising, 'cause, like, if I go single, like, I'm gonna try to meet people, right? - So yes. - What exactly do you mean, when you say, like, cruising is, like, frowned upon? - I think, when you say meet people, it looks different to cruising. So, like, going over to people interacting, great, reading body language, reading, like, signs, eye contact, does this person want to interact with me? But cruising specifically is the kind of, it's particularly talked about a lot in gay culture and clubs, going to a space with the intention of having sex with someone, maybe going into a playroom, and specifically looking for, yeah, making eyes, or, like, you're scouring the back of the dance floor, and you're just checking out, you're checking out, you're fussing, you're like, ooh, there's someone dancing, let me go and ask. Like, you can see it, someone will go up to, like, eight people in five minutes, and you're, like, hon, like, or, like, going to, like, touch people, try and dance, like, people's personal space, like, just, it brings a very, like, I'm here for sex vibe, and that is not much fun. - Okay, so, is it, do you guys use enthusiastic consent, or opt out consent, or where kind of consent is used in crunch? - Enthusiastic consent. And we know that not all consent is verbal, but prior negotiations, enthusiastic consent, verbal, if possible. - Yeah, like, can I hug you? - Yeah, even when it came in, like, oh, it's a hug. - Yeah, I'm the hugger. (laughing) - Yeah, clicking to date, yeah. - Exactly, act of consent. And we check in with people on the playroom doors, like, have you spoken about your boundaries? Have you spoken about consent? Have you spoken about what you want? Out of this session, and just being really hot on what consent looks like as people are coming in, so we're asking people, like, how do you talk about consent? - Especially if they're, like, an established couple, it's like, we know each other. - Yeah. - But if it's a new couple, it's completely different, so it's so good that you're asking them when they come in, you know? So, how did you decide? 'Cause I bet this is a really hard decision to be like, okay, we're either gonna vet everyone, or you have to be a member, whatever the fuck it is, or we're vetting individually who can buy a ticket, or we take all these extra measures, the monitors, the conversations, the consent force, all the things. Like, how did you decide which way to go? - Mm, it felt quite organic in terms of when we started, me and Logan had a lot of friends, community, who built Quench, essentially. Like, it was our team members who I'd worked with, and that we'd both worked with at previous parties. It was people we'd met on the scene, so it felt very organic, and it felt very, these are the people we want to come, because it's all word of mouth. I think the escalation of our vetting and marketing things, specifically to do with who can come to Quench, has been in a trajectory alongside getting bigger, and more people, being exposed to more people, and it feels like, because like we mentioned, there's so many different parties, King, Queer, some of them are huge commercials, some of them are tiny underground, everyone has a different culture, and everyone allows different things. - Yes. - Realizing that some people were getting away with certain things at some parties, and trying to come to Quench and get away with the same things. So we were like, actually, we need to focus on what makes Quench unique, and make sure that we're bringing people in who fit our ethos and vibes. So I think we've ramped up as we've gotten bigger. - But how do you control that if I can just go in and buy my tickets? - Like, you're on the doors? - Yeah. - At the doors, yeah, yeah, yeah. So now we've got like, beforehand it would be like, just general entry, now we have doors team, asking questions, have you read the rules, can you tell me about X, Y, Z? And then to be honest, going a bit harder on people who are like, are you here to get lucky? Do you think this is like a space where you can just come, and do you go the harder on single people, for example? Like, people that just go by themselves. - Yeah. - Hello, yeah. - Hello, you too. - Like, I'm groups of men, sorry, Hans. - Is it, does that happen? - Yeah, but not groups. - Just like what? - But I know exactly, it's like, why are you here? - Why are you here? - It's a normal world straight when a man who haven't accessed any space at any time. But again, that's not to say that they're not quinky or like neurodivergent or don't have access to other spaces, but it's just more about how we manage what that looks like on the inside. And what we want, again, it's always about prioritizing who we're prioritizing and centering the experiences of those people, and making sure that when I'm on those doors and I'm vetting people and I'm checking, I'm like, who have I got in mind here? Like, who is this space for? Is this person gonna interrupt that space? - Like, their reality is, yeah, exactly. - Okay, and how rewarding has it been? Like, the feedback, like, what kind of impact do you think Quench is having? - That is why we do it. This is why we so do it, because there's nothing like the feeling of seeing people that you know don't have access to the spaces that they need to self-express themselves for me. And like, there's someone even in mind who, like, we saw our first neon party years a year ago. - Years not long ago. - And he was kind of a bit nervous and like wearing a little kind of sport survives. And I remember checking and being like, this is cute, but we're gonna need to elevate that up. It's a bit, because this is a strict dress code and like, this is giving a little bit casual sports. Anyway, I had a really good chat, I ended up becoming really good mates. And just watching his journey, like, blossom, like, next coming in these, like, tight pink dress, like this hot pink dress. And he does the most incredibly, just such an incredible dancer. And just seeing him embrace his queerness, he's a black mask guy. And just having this space to, like, be himself and see how much he's fallen in love with himself and his feminine energy, like, is really beautiful. And there's countless stories like that. I think just realizing that this really is needed and... - It is needed. And people's lives not depend on it, but like, we need a space to feel like we can be ourselves. And if not, you're just constantly in this little closet cupboard and it doesn't feel good. - Yeah. - So I think having that reiterator has been really, really, really nice. - It's just fulfilling the way that is why you're doing this, exactly. - Literally, like, I remember the first time we hosted a party at this big club, it was like our first big, big party. - How many people? - 700. - Yeah. - This is our second party. We were fucking obnoxious. - We went so weird. - We went so hard. We're like, we can do it. Actually, Logan was like, we can do it. I was like, okay, babe, I'll be fucking did it. But there was a feeling of, like, being on the stage, introducing performers and the DJs and seeing, like, people whining, people grinding, people dancing to bashmen and dancehall in a kink club. I was like, has this ever been done before? Like, is this the first time that people are listening to fucking carnival tunes at a kink fetish club in kink fetish attire? Like, in the middle of London, it was so incredible. - And probably, the answer is yes. - Probably, I mean, I don't know, but I would say so. Like, it was, yeah, I was like, this is why. And it was so well. - I'm waiting for the early 2000 throwbacks in, like, country music for a fight. Like, I would live there. Like, give me fucking, you know, the early 2000s dance. 90s, like, fucking, even, like, can I want damn it? Like, I will do anything to that music. - I love that. We do get a lot of requests for pop tunes and things like that, which I'm happy with. But it's also about, like, our relationship with DJs and making sure we're communicating what the crowd wants as well. - Yeah. - Just a whole lot of that. - No, like, especially alone. And putting the official requests for, like, a fucking... - Okay, Alexa, next time you're in the UK, shout me, I will do a quench country. Oh my god, cowboy, Western theme. - Yes! - It's sexy. - I have a... - The playlist is ready. - Is it? - It's ready. - You're playing them, but... - Okay, it's done. - Oh. - Yeah. - If I'm coming, I'm... - You're coming. - I'm coming. - I'm coming. - I'm coming to come. - I'm coming multiple times, hopefully. - Yes, bitch. (laughs) - So, um, what's, like, what else do you have in mind? Like, what's coming for a quench? Like, 'cause you're still new. - Yeah, with AV. - But you went big and you went hard. So, like, what's coming? Are you, like, okay, let's keep this going? Or are you, like, let's go big early? What's going on? - Yeah, funnily enough, we were like, this year's gonna be a bit more chilled. Oh, you want my water babes? This year's gonna be a bit more chilled, but we ended up doing the most, as always. Far as it is, building on our really strong foundations in London, more, like, niche parties. Like, the boat party we had last year was super, super fun, all like that. - Oh, that's fun. - Yeah, sadly no play, 'cause Westminster Council will do. - How hard is that, like, what the fuck? How, was that, like, one of the hardest things? Like, what are the laws? What can I do with the late licensing? Like, what, what the fuck? - There's so much myth and like, right? There's so much around-- - Especially if it's a brave in space, like, the fuck, where it don't get in, doesn't it? - There's a lot to do with, like, Council's relationship with specific venues, and that was something else that we realized is like, Council's themselves will put pressure on venue owners to be like, this kind of event brings us a kind of crowd, don't do it. This kind of thing will cause this kind of problems, and they obviously don't want to lose their bar licensing and their late license or whatever. So really working with clubs that have good relationships with the Council and don't have as much kind of stigma around sex-positive events. One of the biggest things that we've done this year was join a union, like, start a union with some other organizations in the sex-positive scene. It's all about, like, standardizing, monitoring processes, protocols, policies, but also, like, creating really strong relationships with governments, with local Councils and venues to be like, these are the standards we set. We're gonna run really safe parties as safe as they can be. We need you to fucking support us. We don't have to go underground and working clubs that don't have proper licensing and don't have security and all of that. - So you can't just book a venue and throw a party? You can't. - I mean, what a display party? - Yeah. - No. - Why? - 'Cause you have to tell them, you can't just be like, okay, we're just gonna have a party. And then suddenly you're bringing all these spanking benches that they're like, more than, if, sorry, I'm shouting, more that if we don't disclose that information and then we get there and they're like, no, then we just ruin 300 people's night. - Why would they say, no, why do they care what you're doing in those streets? - Because people don't like sex, don't like sex spaces. And like, so there's certain rules about performances and nudity, so they have specific licensing and bar things with them. Also, if we're working with like good clubs, they wanna see our safeguarding policy, our risk assessments, they wanna know what furniture we're bringing, they wanna know how we deal with incident reporting and what regulation. So we've gotta give all that information before we even get to the venue. So we've gotta make sure that they know how we're gonna deal with evictions, if it does happen, how we're gonna deal with all of these like serious incident stuff. So I would never go to a venue, cold, and like tell them that Quentra is just a rave. And then bring all of our furniture and start up a sex party, because there's so much more risk of that being shut down, then if you're open about it, you have the conversation to begin with, and then you're like, okay, we can all go into this knowing. 'Cause they don't know. So if you start fucking in that side room and they're like, you didn't tell us what's happening, that's just, that's gonna lead to poor relationship. And then we'll further increase this division between venues and sex spaces and places. - I didn't think they, people would carry some lines, which is very naive, 'cause like, of course, they need no fucking update. But again, even the ones that are less uptight, they'll suddenly, if they've had something, an issue with a party or someone hasn't done safeguarding properly or they've got a complaint, they'll shut that down straight away. They'll shut down all of that other relationships of parties. It's happened with a big venue recently, and it's led to like four or five parties having to rehome, because they're not hosting any more. - It's so weird. That must be like the most tedious part, honestly. - It is, I'm like, this is like, if we're talking about Quentra big dreams, it's owning a venue, we're coming for you. Like, owning a venue that has, that we can monitor it, we can regulate it how we want, that hopefully isn't too close to residents or too close to offices, that has a bit of privacy, that has all of the spaces and rooms that we want. But also, we create the relationships with council with, through now the S+ Association and other organizations that are positive and strong, rather than like, kind of dodgy or whatever. - So, what's the magic number? How big are your favorite parties? - Ooh, again, depends on the club, like-- - No, your magic venue, this future amazing venue, how many people will it host? - I think I would love like, a little 300, 400 max, 300 min, because like, big parties are really, really fun, but I prefer the intimacy of the 300 people kind of vibe, like 700. - Cause 300's big, I've been to like, 40. - Oh really? - Yeah, like small. - Cause they're little parties, right? - Yeah, but it's like, then you'd speak to literally everyone, and it's like, so wholesome. - But I think also what I love about Quench is it is a rave, and it is a dance floor, and like, that feeling of everyone like, sweating on the dance floor-- - No, no, it's a party. - Yeah, so I think-- - I got to like, fuck. So like, it's nice, it's like, it's a tiny show. - Well, at our point, it's the music bar, you'll be dancing on a dance floor as well. And it's also a good place to like, just like, if you were there with someone and you're a bit flirty on the dance floor, have a little sexy dance, and like, it's nice being in that kind of, yeah. Environment where it feels like you're all there partying. Like, I wanted to feel like, carnival vibes, which is-- - Yeah, no, no, a party, yeah. - Yeah, a party. So I'd say that's a sweet spot, yeah. - So what other like, wholesome moments do you remember? Like, throughout this year, or year and a half, or whatever, it's long it's been. Like, things that stand out, moments that really stand out that you think about constantly, that you came for again. - Like, monitor feedback of one of our staff saying that she was on the dance floor and just how people kind of come to her and say like, it's so reassuring to see you here on the dance floor, it's so reassuring. Like, she's quite like a big person in the community anyway. And then also knowing that like, for her, how affirming that is in the space to be surrounded by people who are also recognizing her and feeling safe and feeling supported, always comes down to like, the feedback that we send out and people just sending like, really heart of our messages, like thanking us from the bottom of their hearts saying, like, we need the space. I've never felt so myself. I've never been able to express myself. So freely, quenched the first party. I've had that space to just be my queer self. It is really, really rewarding. I guess even like, on a personal level, like having a vision for something and realizing that it's more than just like working on a laptop and posting on Instagram. Like, when we have those connection moments somewhere with a crowd and seeing people and meeting people, like, and you're like, oh, you do quench. It's just like, it feels like, ah, this is needed. And I'll never take that for granted that it's like, it's not, you know, it's fucking hard. Don't get me wrong. And it's fucking exhausting. But this is a space that people genuinely like cherish and the staff also and the monitors also reiterating that. Yeah, it's really special. - Okay, yeah, so, proudest moment. What would you say it is so far? - I think it was that that first big party realized it. - The second one. - The second, yeah, yeah. So, the second party where we had like performances, we'd never had some performances before. And we had just like, such an energy of like, I don't even know how to describe it. It was just a electric energy. And it was just like, yeah, it was busy, but it felt like, okay, we're doing something which has never been done before. And we're doing something which people are gagging over and really, really responding to. And again, like that type of music at a play rave, I think was like, okay, this just feels new. - Okay, biggest challenge with the, besides from like the venue shit that goes on. - Oh, I think it's been constantly reacting to the desires of a community which is very different. And like I said, we can't treat everyone the same and everyone, we attract many different people. So I think it's constantly responding to different desires and concerns and trying to be as flexible and proactive as possible. But then also being like, we're never gonna get it right. I think the emotional side of it as well. I kind of never, I guess didn't anticipate like I worked at the parties before and I'd take a lot home and was like, but this feels completely different responsibility because you're there from the start to the finish, from furniture up in load to driving vans to whatever it is, but then also to then do all of that. And then to then sometimes get comments which people don't understand the impact of and people are sending like feedback which you're like a really accused at treat almost. And it's like, I'm not even gonna go into it. I don't like, one example. Once we were told that we were like marginalising the communities which we said we were looking out for and it was just like, I don't think you understand the impact of your words. Like we are people, we are humans at the end of the day. We are working our fucking arses off because we love this and we love you. But to then be told that we're doing something which is the antithesis or something we're trying to create is a gut punch, is a fucking stab to the heart because you're like, but how are you not seeing like how much we're trying here? Like, and also sometimes it's a bit like you do it then. Like, what do you want me to do babe? Or like don't fucking come then, literally. Not even that, like I'd never say that to people but I'm also like, maybe you need to do it on the doors. No, I'm the savage, I'm gonna do the fuck around, there's a door. And it's like, I think it's like bringing that humanity back into it, we're not robots, we're not machines, we're fucking volunteering most of the time. Like, we are doing this out of love so we love to get love back. And not to say that people shouldn't give constructive feedback, not to say that people shouldn't give criticism because we grow from that shit, we love that shit but there's a way of staying everything. Instead of using that bold statement, they could have been like, hey, this specific thing happened that made me feel this way. Or like, it was offensive, whatever it is, right? And then you're like, oh, okay, whatever. And then take the necessary steps but like yeah, bold statements are just like, what am I supposed to do with that? - Yeah, exactly. - Exactly, it's like, let's support each other, like we're literally on the same team, like we won the same fucking things, like I want the best party for you. Please let's work together so we can achieve that so we can see what that looks and feels like for all of us. So I think I didn't, I guess before, starting realise how much that was gonna take also and how much more kind of downtime you need after the parties and like event drop, like after the first couple of parties realizing like, you know, you have this massive hire working so, so hard and all this energy and creation and fun and then you host it and then the day after, the two, three days after is like, like fuck, like it's such a, it's literally like a calm down. - And so just like, learning to be kind to ourselves in those times as well. - Absolutely. - What is the idea, like how often would you like to host? I think you do like once a month now, right? So would you want it at some point to be more often or is that perfect for now? - I think monthly is perfect for us for now. Also, there's been an explosion of parties in the scene, which is amazing, but it also does make tickets selling harder for everybody because, you know, the pool is big, but cosy lives, people aren't spending as much money on nights out, even just like the night industry and hospitality scene in general have all had massive issues. So it's more, I'd rather keep it monthly and have those busy than start going to like bi-weekly, weekly and not be as busy. And I think it's healthy to have a bit of competition but also to allow each other to have a weekend, you know what I mean? If we're all doing parties all the time, people are going to get rinsed and saturated and we want people to be able to have options but still pick us when they can. - Do you do like competition, like who's doing a party, when so that you choose your weekend accordingly or? - Yeah, with some parties, like, and this is why I again, love the support of the scene and like right party have been amazing for that and we chat to the organizers of that about how we can make sure we don't clash, how we can make sure we are not, yeah, giving people a cash option. We also know like joy riders every month now, so it's like having them in the calendar. ENM fam, have an amazing app called TeamUp, big apps them. And so every single a queer kinky event is literally on the app for London. - Where's it called? - It's called TeamUp, from ENM fam on Insta. And they're fucking incredible people behind the scenes and there's really, really cool. I'll show you before I come here. But so it literally has all of the events on there. So before we even book a date, we'll go straight to the app, see if anything else is on that date, on that weekend, and then confirm it. But it's also like pre-booking, you know, we're now looking like kind of bookings a year in advance, which is wild to me, because I am really a future folk. It is nice. - Wow, yeah. It takes, it really does take a lot of planning. I don't think people grasp like how big it is. - Yeah. (laughs) - And again, it's like I hate, it's not a woe is me situation. It's not like a, oh, like, we do it because we love it and because we can, we've got the capacity. But I say that, do we? But we do it because we love it. But I do think if people knew how much it took to get to where we are, they would maybe, some people would be a little bit more cautious with their words, but I also appreciate how many people give amazing positive, like, affirming feedback that just makes me, my heart so full, so warm. - Okay, so who chooses theme nights? Like, what is the discussion like and who wins? Like, who is this big? - Me, no joking. So we'll often do a little brainstorm, or like, what do you call it now? Thought, shower, with our team members. And then, like, in a staff chat, or then we'll put it straight on Instagram stories and let the community decide. So our first couple, we had like three or three themes, and then let people choose, 'cause also, I'm in decisive Bay. So I'm often like, let the staff decide. Let the people decide, please, 'cause I can't. So we'll pick favorites and then allow people to vote. We did "Neon Dream" twice again, because it was so fun. And we were like, people love this theme, let's bring it back. Also times of year, so fourth of May, May the fourth be with you, had to be Star Wars. - Well, our next one's July, Thursday, and proud. It's around Pride. This is Pride Month, we'll take them all. And yeah, just like, we did bondage bunnies and Easter honeys around Easter. - Is there one you are dying to do and haven't done? - That's a good question. I really wanna do like a wet and wild one. Like an underwater, like quenches wet, quenches like, all of that kind of watery vibe. So I'd quite like to do something. There's either like, a water fight theme, like-- - Oh, that's so fun. - There would be so fun, or like, loop fight kind of vibe. But something wet or like underwater would be really cool. - I think there was something similar in New York a month or two ago. And Lola Jean was like, hosted up with some like, harness, and she squirted like on, like if you wanted to be in the splash zone, you could have been. - Yeah, like everyone was in like, it's the only time you could wear like a bikini to like a plateboard. - Oh my god, amazing. - And there was just a lot of water going on and like liquids and it looked, I didn't go, but it looked very fun. I wasn't in the scene. - So in love, yeah. - That, okay, get me in a harness. - Yeah. - I'll fix it. - I'll fix it. - I'll fix it. - I'll fix it. - Yeah, Lola holds the word record. So like, she's like, you know, it's she squared. It's like, she fucking squared. - Oh, King Howe worked, dude. I take my job really seriously. - And it, yeah, yeah. - No, we'll get a professional. - How fun that is your-- - I know, literally, sometimes I do have pinch-free moments where we're like, fuck, I can't believe we did this and we're doing this and this is really exciting. So I feel very lucky to have created this for ourselves. Again, it's not a full-time job at all, but-- - Do you, would you want it to be? Like, would you give up being a tattoo artist to just do this full-time? - If it was financially viable. - No, that's exactly what I'm asking. - Yeah, 100%, 100%. - Well, maybe you're extremely passionate about that too. It's like, I don't know. - That's a whole nother podcast. And you're as deep as my other tattoo podcast, vlogging, all sorts. So I would, 'cause again, you're thinking about expansion, you're thinking about how much where there is to go with the, like, the union, so the S+ association and how much work there is to do there on the seed in general in quench, in terms of expanding cities, expanding countries, like, I wanna do pasta, I wanna do Barcelona, I wanna do parties, like, that I have a scene that also needs spaces, other places in the UK as well. So, 100%, I have the energy to do it full-time, I would fucking love to, yeah. - Oh, that's amazing. Okay, and if you have, like, unlimited funds, you have a magic wand. What is the perfect party? Like, what are kind of performances are there? What's happening, how many people, what's the theme? - Oh my God. - Give me your fantasy. - Well, to be fair, the one that we really wanna host, which we had to cancel as many as February, was the uncivil ceremony. So if we had the budget, it would be, in our own venue, of course, which is all on one floor, it's all fully accessible. There would be our standard quench music, R&B hip hop, Afrobeats, Ampeano, Bacherman, that's a good vibes music. We'd have a, we literally had this old planned, what are they called? People who marry the officiators for, like, their drag king and queen, the officiators. And then we have these queer pock couples, like whether it's sub-dom dynamics, like someone being led out on a leash, on an aisle, like a huge aisle, but it's all like an ironic aisle, obviously. And then people say that on civil vows, and they give a declaration of love. - Where's the dress code? - For that one. - Kink wedding. - Okay, kink wedding. - Yeah, I love it. - Yeah, it's so like latex wedding dressers. - No, it'd be like bridal-wandering. - Bridal-wandering, yeah, yeah, yeah. That honeymoon sweet rosary, sexy stuff. And like, carp tuxes, like, I don't know, with like, titty holes and arses out, and like, love that I did, right? I think I would go kind of mask for that one. - Oh, with like a tux? - Yeah, with like a, like, super crop, and like, so maybe like, just like a latex thing underneath it, like a little bandit. - Yeah, and just like the blazer with your titty self. - Yeah. - Yeah, I'm not much on the bottom. - And, yeah, and then like, so we'd have different people, different, and also I'd love it to be like, poly-ENM, so you're marrying groups of threes, like, sterilizing groups of fours, whatever it is, people give a little speech, and then we like, bind them in filth and mischief, whether that's like, chibari bound. - You have like, a top, a chibari top, just like, thanking people there. - Exactly, found exactly. And then, or like, a handcuff to whatever it is. And then I'd love to give them a little honeymoon sweet, or something, we hit like a little private place phase, where they could like, go in. - Yeah, where they can go in like, what's the word? - Chris in the room. - Chris in. - Oh, there's a specific word for it. - Okay, this is like my third language. Do you have to give it a break? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all of me. And then, and then, performances. Oh, I think one of my favorite performances we had was Terry Box, an amazing track, amazing. So, I'd get them back on, that'd be really fun. To do something like, slighty and wedding-ish, I don't know, break vibes, but keep it on civil. - Well, manifesting that you get to host. - Yeah, that was gonna happen. We've got a date, but we'll see what they've been you. - Oh, my favorite will be the cowboy when you'll throw it in my honor. So, honestly, I think the early 2000s, 90s, would be a bigger hit, 'cause like, no one likes country music besides me. - Yeah, but now you've got fucking Beyonce's whole album. - That's true, that's true. - So, can't also comment background. - That's true, but it's just such wholesome to listen to, like, what you used to listen to when you were a child. 'Cause like, they're bangers, like you have to sing along. - Early 2000s, 100% are like, that would like, - Like, it's illegal not to sing along. - Elite, it's illegal. - It literally is like childhood. - Yeah, it happens, like, and the children need to like, thrive in that. - Yeah, it feels like you're a child. - 100%. - That's why we're there, that's why we're there. - Now, personally, do you, like, are you extremely busy, or do you also get to play at your parties? - This is like an ongoing joke. - We don't play, managers and any staff do not play on shift. That is one of our hard and fast blanket rules. It is incredibly frustrating, spending all this time, like, staying up this sexy playroom, like, the playroom of your dreams, and then not being able to play in it, literally living vicariously through you lot, so keep coming. - Why, why? You could be like, okay, from this hour to this hour, go, go have fun. - It doesn't look like the power dynamics are, do we have to think about all the time? - Always thinking about power and privilege. And so, if you're someone wearing an armband monitor, and you're telling people X, Y, Z, these are the rules, 10 minutes later, they see you getting locked in a swing, or playing in a group scene, or whatever, and they're like, okay, this is a different dynamic, and then half an hour later, you're telling people rules again, it just creates, like, not even divisions, but it just, like, again, it just creates a dynamic that we don't want. - It's tricky, yes. - And then you're thinking about aftercare, you're thinking about what Headspace hate that you be, thinking about what Headspace you have to be into play, versus what Headspace you're into work. - Yeah. - They're just completely different. - That's correct. - Men's all spaces, so it's always been a rule. We're working with managers, we've been training on manager team, which, who are amazing. And the goal is to get everyone to a space where they can manage, and we can enjoy the party for what it is. - Okay, and we need you're working on it. - Armband, oh, for Honey, we've been working on it. Yeah, like, I'll trust second party. We were like, we need to play. We need to come to quench. Like, I want to be a guest at quench so badly. - Right, exactly. - So that's the goal, to like, build up the team so they're strong enough. And they're fucking getting there. Every shift is getting stronger, love you guys. So we'll be, hopefully, on the inside very soon. - So where do you get that, like, satisfaction? Like, where do you get, where do you scratch that itch to play in spaces, to do group play, to like, get it on? - Yeah, this is a super important part, is not working on the scene, but also being in the scene. And I had to really check in with myself after that first six months. I was like, I haven't been to any parties. I haven't done anything for me. I haven't had any, like, of these experiences. Like, me and my partner will put time aside and we'll do, like, sexy hotel days or we'll do, like, days where we're, like, focusing on that for ourselves. But in terms of, like, parties, like, just really starting, like, going to parties again for fun. So, attending as a guest, obviously, people still say hi. And they're like, but I'm like, I'm not working tonight. Don't ask me nothing. Like, don't ask me any questions. So, making sure there's that balance. Like, remembering as well that I found so much of my sexuality, queerness, identity, all of this, like, E&M friends, all of that, through attending play parties. And as much as I create space for other people to do that, I need to honor that in myself as well. I was still exploring, still growing. - You're still one person, right? - I'm still a big, sexual bay. And I need all my hospitals. So, like, also, like, pun intended. And so, for me, it's also, like, even running these events has brought me more friends, brought me more people in the community, brought me, like, sexy friends, brought me people that you have those connections with. - This is friends, there's different kinds of, yeah. - But as in, like, the friends that are on, like, now, like, we create our own, like, play dynamics, we'll have our own intentional, like, picnic groups. And all of that stuff, so it's, yeah, it's, we, I've got to be intentional with it and make sure they're cute. - They're very dicey, yeah. - Yes, 100%. - Yeah, are you? - Yes, I'd say, like, the last few weeks have been busy with other stuff, but I've been going to parties more regularly again and been having more, like, fun dates or, like, friend dates and things like that where I'm getting my pictures scratched. - So, what is, you have Logan as your primary, and then what is your, like, what does your relationship structure look like? - So, we're African or monogamous, so we date other people. I don't currently have any other, like, partners, yeah. - Friends. - Friends and benefits or whatever, like-- - Sexy friends. - Sexy friends, exactly. - Isn't it awesome to fuck your friends, though? Like, yeah. - It is, it really is. And then you're in a great chat, you're at home, so, exactly, and then you're debriefing and you're talking about your days or whatever it is. I think there's also, like, that care and community. It's like, okay, we all love each other loads and we care about each other and, often, people in their own partnerships or have their own primary relationships, and that can make it a bit easier in some ways, but also whoever, whoever. - Yeah. - And, so, yeah, day and people, I don't go on apps or anything like that. I'm a real-life girlie, like, I need to feel people's energy. I need to feel that vibe. But I also go to socials, go to munchies, go to meet-ups, go with my partner and set-brillies. So, we also, like, try and be intentional about, like, if we're going sis together, we're going together. If we're going separately, let's go separately. So, making sure we have those conversations so we both get space to explore. - No, but it's a hobby. If people don't understand that sex is, like, a hobby. - Mm-hmm. - And you have to put in so much time and effort into it. - 100%. - It's one of me, people in real life, like, you have to make the effort. - Yeah. And, again, like, because when you know you want a bit more from sex and when you know you're not here for, like, the vanilla mache and dash, or... (laughing) So, like, you're like, I want there to be intention behind this. - Yeah. - I want to fuck people and love people intentionally. And... - Are you in your, like, non-casual era, non-casual sex era, like... - It's crazy. - Yeah. - I used to be casual Bay, but I think that was, again, because I didn't have the language to know what I needed. And because I thought that the sex and the validation that I was getting through, particularly men, back in the day, was, like, back in the day. Now, like, depends on them. Let's go. - Um, so that was, like, a big switchover of, like... This is filling a hole and getting me certain validation in some ways. So many puns. But... - Yeah, literally, yeah. But then it was that... It was quite a body. My body told me, to be honest. I kept trying to do casual. And my body was saying, "Honey, you don't want this? You want someone who cares about you and you want to care about this person." And that was a big switch. And that, actually, those thought processes came just as I met Logan. So then it was suddenly like, "Oh, this person is really cool and cares about me and, oh, shit." Now I really like, "Oh, fuck." Like, all the feels. I think, yeah, now it's more about, like, those connections that I care about. I'm not rushing into things. Like, sex is always on the cards. - Yeah. - 'Cause it always is. But, just because it's there, doesn't really have to take the option. - Correct. Awesome. - Mm-hmm. - Okay, let me do a, would you rather... - Ah! - No, we're right, pick it up. Okay, would you rather host, like, have your dream venue and this is your full-time job, but not be able to attend sex parties, like... - Like any? - Any. - Oh, gosh. - Or, give this project to someone else. They, now they're in charge of it and then you can do whatever you want. (laughing) - Oh! - I'm so mean with these. - That is so mean! - I know, I'm sorry. - Oh my God. I can feel that in my chest. That's a really hard one. - Okay, I'll do a nice one. - No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine, I can feel that. Okay, so are you saying, like, I host the parties, but I can't go to any play parties on the scene, ever? - Yes. I'll allow munches. - I'm gonna do this. - I'll allow them. I'm sorry, it's gotta be the latter, because Quench has never been about me. - Yeah. - Quench is not about who founds it, who put the ideas behind it. Like, I full faith that other people can run Quench the way that we envisage to be. Like, right now, yeah, it's brain baby and like, all of this work has gone into it a lot from myself and Logan, but that has been so much of input from staff, from managers, from team. And I have full faith in this being a community that organization that ever flourish and thrive. Like, that we don't need to be there. Like, the staff jokes so much about like, we need mum and dad and that and that and that. And like, we've had to really like, been like, guys, no, like, this is, this is an us thing. And the more empowered we make our team members and our managers, the more Quench can take that. Like, the life force that it is and it grows itself. So, I gotta prioritize my pleasure, baby. - Oh, I'm proud that yeah, thank you. - It was hard, it was hard, because I also fucking love hosting. I love being a little busy, busy event, but I also know that it's exhausting and that should be shared. And if I don't have my fun on the side, like it does just become work. - It would just be, yeah, exactly. - Okay, where can people find you? - So, Quench_London is our Instagram, also online. - What's your website? - Quench.coat, yeah, quenchlondon.co.uk. - Email if you wanna email us, feel free, which is quench.london@gmail.com. I'm pretty sure. - I think so. - We also have a podcast as well called Quenchcast on Spotify, so if you wanna give that a listen. And yeah, that's all Quench plugs. - Awesome. - Yeah. - Thank you so much for coming. - My absolute pleasure. Thank you for having me, it's been lovely. - Yeah, no, amazing. Are you ready to turn off the lights? - I actually kind of like it's on go, but we can turn off the lights. - Exhibition is? - Yeah. - Yeah? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah.