In Bed With Alexa
Postpartum Body Insecurities, Bisexuality, and Dating as a Lover Girl (ft. @cydneythelight)
Sexologist Alexa Andre (@sexwithalexa) is joined by Cydney (@cydneythelight) in this episode where they dive deep into postpartum body insecurities, bisexuality, and dating. Cydney opens up about her journey from being confident in her body before giving birth to hiding her body for 8 years after having her son at 19. They also discuss how her mom raised a confident daughter, but the lack of representation for stretch marks and postpartum bodies took a toll. Cydney talks about her bisexual awakening, what dating women is like compared to men, and how intimacy and sex differ. From insecurity to acceptance, Cydney shares her inspiring story of body positivity and love.
- Broadcast on:
- 19 Sep 2024
- Audio Format:
- other
(upbeat music) Sydney? - Hi. - Are you ready to get in bed with me? - Yes, let's do it. - In my men, again, women, cowards, 'cause we're in London and I don't like my bed. (laughs) - Well, I'm happy to be here. I bought my pajamas 'cause, yeah. - Encouraged. Sydney was like, can I bring my pajamas? - I was like, please. - Please, please. - I need you to know. - No, no, absolutely. Yes, thank you. And she blends with the cows, like it's me. - I know, it's like I planned it. - Meant to be. - It was meant to be. - Everyone, this is Sydney. She is a gato. She's naughty cat is eating the tripod leg anyway. Sydney is a content creator and self-love advocate. Thank you so much for coming. - Thanks for having me. - Absolutely. - So tell me a bit about just a little rundown about how you grew up. What was it like? - Yeah. - Your sex, how your relationship with your body was? - Yeah, so I was born in London, grew up in Buckinghamshire. I was raised by a single mum and she was always quite a positive influence on me. She always kind of instilled like confidence and body positivity from a very young age. So yeah, so my mum was always quite a positive influence on me. She taught me from a young age like the importance of self-care and self-love and she was really good at letting me kind of embrace my heritage because my mum's white, my dad's black, Jamaican. So she was really good at helping me just to learn how to love my hair and my skin and my body from such a young age. So, yeah, I think from childhood, she's always instilled like a positive belief system but obviously as you grew up, it kind of all-- - It's society. - Yeah, reinforcement kind of just goes out the window. - Right, so like even though you had a great mum-- - Yeah. - To say to care of the rest. - Yeah, basically. And also for me, I think growing up, like getting older, even though I was always quite shy, I had quite a strong belief system from childhood but obviously you grew up, you go through puberty and I think my struggles, like my insecurities were more from my identity rather than like my body 'cause I always-- - What in what way? - Just so I grew up in a very like white area and with my white mum. So there was always, and my dad wasn't around when I was younger, so there was always a bit of a disconnect with that side of me. So for me, it was more like an identity thing and like fitting in with my white peers more than it was about my body. So my hang-ups were like, "Who am I? "Like, who where do I fit in?" And I went through phases of like straightening my hair and wearing a fake tan, that kind of thing but I never really had any insecurities about my body. It was more like identity crisis kind of thing. - Have you ever or when did your body and security start, if ever? - The only thing, I was a bit of a late bloomer so I did go through a phase of like stuff in my bra but I think-- - It's something you're wearing? - Yeah, I mean, yeah, look at me now, that's not a problem. So I think that, I didn't really have, there was nothing like pivotal when I was younger that was like, I was massively insecure about. It was just when I became a mum. I think that was like, 'cause I was really young. I was 19 when I got pregnant and had my son. So I was not even in like fully arrived in my body yet. I was still like a child myself. So I think that on top of becoming a mum and like my body changing, that was when like, I was more like, whoa, like I'm in a new body and I didn't ever really think about it like that. Like nobody kind of ever really talks to you about that part of pregnancy is like, you're gonna look totally transformed and different and just accepting that basically. - So before you became pregnant, were you just confident? Like were you walking around confident with your body? - No, I was confident because I always, I had like low self-esteem, but my insecurities went from like a body thing. Like I was in, I was just more just scared to kind of be who I was. I didn't really think too much about my body because I was petty, I was slim. Like I'd never really had any negativity in that way. - So when was the first time you were in demand with someone? - When I was 14. - Okay, and you were like comfortable being naked. You weren't thinking about how you looked when you were naked. - Not really, no. I think, yeah, we were just all, I was, it was very young. I was very young when I lost my virginity, but I was never really, it was more just like, oh my God, like what? - What are we doing? - Yeah, what are we doing? Like this is how it works. I never really thought that much about my body. I just kind of showed up. - So from going on with your life, not worrying about how your body looks, to being pregnant in your body completely changing, was it like a shock? Like how did you become comfortable in your body again? - Yeah, it was a massive shock. And it took me a really, really long time. I'd say my son is 11 now. And I'd say I didn't really fully start embracing my body or even accepting that that's what it looked like until he was around eight. So like just before COVID, just before that kind of time, I just kind of neglected it and I didn't, I just hid it away. Yeah, I'd say it took me a very, very long time because it wasn't really a conversation that people had. Like after pregnancy, after you've had the baby, it's like all about the baby, whereas-- - Correct. - But don't you talk about you, like the mum, you know? And like looking after yourself and how your body's gonna change and how long that takes and what that even looks like. (laughing) So yeah, it took a long time. And it was just, all of my pregnancy was a shock because like I said, I was young and I was like four months pregnant when I found out. So I was still really petty. And then it was like, this all kind of happened. And then within a year, like my whole life had completely changed. So yeah, like justically. So I don't think I had that much time in the beginning to even really think about myself. And then once I did, it was just something that I wanted to hide away. Like my stretch marks, I've never seen that before ever on anyone. So I just-- - Really? - Yeah, like never. - Were they, what? You'd never seen anyone's stretch marks before that. - No. - Or your mum or anyone. - No. - No. - So what, okay, so you give birth, your body starts shrinking and kind of with your belly at least. And you get stretch marks. - How do you react? Like what do you think it is? How does it make you feel? - Well, it happened during pregnancy. - How during? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. So when my bump was running, it was like, that's when I started seeing it happen. And I tried to use like, you know, people say use like oils. But like if your skin is that way, like it's going to stretch anyway. Like regardless, like there's no magical cream that's going to stop it from happening. So I kind of like accepted it at that stage, but I didn't know what my body would look like afterwards. And it takes a while for it to kind of go. - Completely. People think that you give birth and it's like, oh no. - Nobody talks about that part. - It takes weeks. - Yeah. - And I was just like, it was like soft and kind of like jelly line. And it was really weird. And it all seems like a bit of a blur now 'cause it was so long ago. But yeah, nobody talks about that part. So accepting it, I don't think I could. I don't think I really gave it a second thought. I just would wear high-waisted stuff and I wouldn't ever look at myself naked. - But this is the first time you were like self-conscious about your body. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'd say it was. And I just hid it away. There was no, I was just something that I didn't really talk about. - So how did you start making the change to embracing it and be like, this is what I look like? - I think it wasn't until my son was older and I kind of started hanging around with other mums. - Normalizing it. - Yeah, but before that, there was no, I never even, it wasn't a conversation that I even had. So it was only when I started hanging out with other mum friends and we'd talk about stuff and then they'd be like, oh yeah, I've got stretch marks and actually seeing it and be like, my baby. - We do, yeah. - It's like that too, like what the hell? Before it was just like something that you just don't talk about. So it was only then that's when I started embracing it and talking to other people, talking to other mums, there's so much power in that, I think. - Do you think if he had known how much your body was gonna change? If he had seen it, if he had seen other people's bodies change, if he had seen stretchers, if he had seen loose skin, if he had seen it at all, do you think you would have reacted differently or you would have treated your body differently? - Definitely, I think I was so like, not mean, but just, it was something that I felt disconnected from my body, like my head of my body or just two different entities that I treated them differently. You know, you get up and you brush your teeth 'cause you have to do it. I wasn't in my body, I was like totally disconnected to it. So I think, yeah, if I'd seen it before, if I'd had those conversations before it would have changed things completely. - Yeah, 'cause if you had never seen it and you had it, you were like, I have to hide it 'cause I've never seen it before. - Yeah, and also, I was like, I must be the only woman in the world. - Right. - That has to tell me that looks like this. So it was never something that I was like, would be open about. - Yeah, in those cases, it's better to not think you're unique. Like everyone's going through the same shit. - Yeah, you don't know that. - You don't. - She's start talking about it. - But if you had seen it in the women in your life, for example, or in the media, you would be like, oh, I'm ready for that. And because I've seen it, I've seen someone rock low-right jeans with stretch marks. - With stretch marks. - I can do that too. - Yeah, but that wasn't a thing. Like the media was always like, they bounced back within like two weeks and you're like. - Right, with like abs and shit. - And you're like, no. - Was that even possible, you know? So, yeah. - Yeah, this is where representation matters. Or if there had been other black kids in your class when you were growing up, it would maybe want to have them so hard. - Absolutely, yeah, yeah, exactly. This is why, yeah, it is important. And that's why I think I started kind of just posting online. Like my online journey actually started because I had acne. Like that was, I was never really thinking, when I started posting and being a bit more vulnerable, it was because of my skin. Like I always had like perfect skin growing up. I never used to wash my face. Like, you know, I'd put like Palmer's Coke butter on my face and not have any issues. And then I was 25 and started getting acne as an adult. So it's like, what the fuck? - Yeah, actually, what the fuck? - Like I skipped the whole like hormonal part of it. And then, yeah, you become an adult and get cystic acne. It just didn't make sense. So that was like my me being more vulnerable online was because of that. I never really thought that my body would come into play later. - Well, I think your body hadn't come into play because back then you were still hiding it. - Yeah. - You weren't even acknowledging that that was your body. - No, at all. And so that was like me getting acne was like something else added to the pile. And it's like, you can't ignore this now. You have to acknowledge the parts of yourself that you perhaps struggle with or don't like. So that was kind of the catalyst into me learning how to just accept myself, embrace what I had and do with it the best that I could. So yeah. - So how did you, like are you in your skincare era? How did you get, what did you do? 'Cause I bet a lot of people that are listening are gonna be like, look at her skin is so pretty. - Well, why don't you do? - Even that in itself was a long journey. - They'll ask me so. - So luckily when I had really bad breakouts it was during COVID. So I didn't really actually have to go out and see anyone. I could just be at home, but it was still like a shock to me 'cause I was like, this is so brand new. I didn't know what to do. I'd never experienced it. So I would be at home kind of like obsessing in the mirror and picking at my face. And like, it was when I felt so down about it, even though I wasn't going outside and seeing anyone just internally, I was like, this is like the worst thing to ever happen to me, you know? So that's how it felt. And it was at that point where I was like, right, I need to do some research, how to manage it and need to speak to the doctors. So that's when I kind of started looking online at other people's journeys and like their skincare routine. 'Cause before that, I'd never even had like what's skincare and what is that? What's SPF, you know? - What's much to it? - What's the toner? These things were kind of like, you know, alien words. So then that's when I started and we had all the time in the world in lockdown. - Right. - Like research and so that's what I was doing. So I learned a lot in that time and I just watched other people's journeys and found like this acne positive and skin positive community online. And I was like, oh my God, if they can do it and they look beautiful to me, then there's nothing wrong with me either and I can show up and just start posting my journey and I didn't really think too much about it other than like, fuck it. (laughs) - And how did you make the transition from acne to your body? - So I do remember the first time you posted your body. - Yeah, I do. And it was because I'd already been on such a journey with my skin and I think showing up online and all of the feedback that I had was so positive and all the support was really overwhelming. It kind of made me think, oh, like maybe there's something in this and like being vulnerable and sharing something that I'm really insecure about and how that's actually helping other people when I thought it was just like, again, you think you're the only person in the world that's like struggling with it. So, because that was the kind of like reaction that I got online and I thought if I can accept like something that's so visible on my face, what's stopping me from accepting is something that I've hidden away and that nobody would even know was there. So that I was playing with that idea and then my friend who's an artist and an illustrator, she was always kind of doing body positive illustrations and we just kind of like got together and was like, fuck it, should we like, should we do this? And it was doing lockdown as well. So it was like, we had all this time. So yeah, I remember the first time I posted my body and then I got my friend to kind of do these lines like to illustrate, but also that was enhanced. And enhanced, but also that was me kind of hiding behind something a bit and like, oh, I'll get her to do an illustration and then I'll feel a bit better that I'm posting my body online. Well, really it was just me like feeling and still a little bit insecure about like how I was showing up. So, I mean, yeah, I mean, that was like a couple, few years ago and it's just kind of progressed from there and the support for that was overwhelming as well. And it's like, you feel seen and recognized when other people are like, we have the same tummy and you're like, it's like, we're the same. Like, it's not just me because I spent like eight years up until that point being a mom and never thinking that anyone else could relate and then you show up online and everyone's like, we've lived the same life or like we have the same story and you're like, wow. - Well, you're being the person that you needed to see when you were going through it. - Exactly. And that's what was so like powerful for me. Like, I'm being the woman that I actually needed like 10 years ago. So I think that's why, that's what keeps me going. And that's why I'm so passionate about it. 'Cause I'm like, we all need to be that woman that like we needed when we were young and in our early 20s and the figuring out the fuck. - Even before, 'cause like you grew up not caring about what your body looked like, but like me and most of the people that I know, we grew up conscious. Like I thought I was fat and then wasn't. I thought my body was wrong. I thought like, that's how I grew up. - Yeah, whereas I was always the friend like, there's nothing wrong with you. 'Cause like my mom kind of instilled those, that self-belief system. Like you're perfect, you're fine. And it was just, yeah. I was always that friend like, you're amazing, great. Like, why can't everyone just like go there shit? - I never had a friend like, I think we all, it was weird if someone wasn't insecure. It was weird like, why don't you hate yourself? Like it was weird. 'Cause like sometimes I would feel good about myself, but like I couldn't say yeah. Because they would have been like, people hate yourself. - And I had a best friend and she was like massively insecure. And I think she really struggled with that. Like you said like, she was like, why don't you hate yourself? She was like, you love yourself. But like in a like, you love yourself. Like get over yourself and be like, you should love yourself actually. - I need to have your mom like I was like, what is going on? Yeah, literally like, she did such a good job. - And I didn't realize it. It's only when I'm like having these conversations and like reflecting actually on childhood that I realized like she actually did such a great job of like from a young age, like self-care, like maintain yourself. Like you don't need to have any insecurities. Like you're great. Like I wish, she was always like, I wish I looked like you. And she never projected her body like insecurities or anything like that on me, even though her weight has fluctuated. - Yeah. - That she's never like projected that on me. And that's clearly it's made a huge positive impact. - Wow, yeah, no, absolutely. But then you still, well, and I feel you just, you just went through it all of this later when your body changed, you got acne laid out. Like I had when I was like blue in my every way. - But you had some of the skills already from being confident. So you went through, I think you went through all the stages real well through it just in a different order. - Just in a weird way. - Yeah, that's my life. It's like unconventional. Like I just do things at a different time to everyone else. - So what about now? Like you've gone through this journey. You're out there, you put yourself out there. Do you still have bad days? - Yeah, absolutely. There's days, it depends what time of the month is now. It's like the week before my period of life. That's why I bought my pyjamas. I just want to be like-- - It's so loud. Just know. - Yeah, just be chill, wear comfortable things and just feel, just give myself grace in that way. But yeah, I have bad days. There's days where sometimes I'm like, I wish I didn't have stretch marks, but that's normal, I think, like-- - No, we all have shitty ways. - Yeah, I'd be lying if I was like, everything about me is great, you know? - Yeah, and do you think, 'cause sometimes creators are pushing like this, like, you have to love yourself every fucking second of the day. You're like, I literally can't. - Yeah, and I get that and it can be quite insufferable, I think, when it's like, just do this and do that and then like, magically you'll be healed. Like it doesn't work like that. And I know, 'cause it took me like eight years before I even like, acknowledged my body and felt connected to it again. So-- - So how do you find that balance being a content creator? Like, like, yes, love yourself, but it's okay if you have shitty days as well. - Yeah, I think I, for me, it's like, being a content creator, I show up sometimes when I feel shit and sometimes when I feel great and it helps like, just to re-center myself and feel like in my body again, if I'm having a bad day and I-- - You will talk about it, you will tell them. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And also just like, if I show up and like, take some pictures of myself, like it makes me just feel more like grateful for my body and it like puts things into perspective and even when I'm feeling great, like that's a great time for you to like, you know, get in the shower and rub some oils on yourself and put some laundry on and like, just feel good about yourself. So I think it's just allowing, like giving yourself grace and allowing yourself to have those bad days and like, for me as a content creator, I don't always shop online, I feel like I'm quite, I'm not always online. So, and that's okay, like I don't have to be and I don't have to feel like I have to perform or like share my innermost thoughts all of the time. It's just like, knowing how you can feel more grounded in yourself and connect to your body and do that and allow yourself to just feel shit and then it will pass. - Yeah, okay, and this mindset that you were talking about, like, feeling grateful and like remembering what your body does for you. Can you talk a little bit more about that? - Yeah, I think how does, what does this perspective look like? - Yeah, I think for me, obviously being a mom, it's like, I did that. Like, I literally bought a whole life into this world and how can I not be grateful for that? And my body kind of shows it and I think that's really like beautiful. It's like our bodies have the scars and they are stories, they're memories. - They are stories, yeah. - Even on my worst days now, like that my worst day now looks very different to what it did years ago. Like now I'm like, I cannot hate my body for something that it did like so naturally and so gracefully and what that looks like now. It's like out of my control. So it's like, you just have to love your body for that and like holding you together. - No, moms are definitely warriors, like, complete. - I think if you're not a mom, I'm not a mom, to me it helps like, like first, okay, there's two things. Like first of all, it's insignificant. Like the way you look, like, I don't want to spend energy worrying about that when there's a million things I want to do. And the way I look is literally the least important thing. It's the least interesting thing about you. - Remembering that is like, there's so much to offer, so much to give and the way it looks, it's not going to define what I'm worth or like anything. - Exactly. - And on the other hand, being grateful for like, I can walk, I am alive, like this is my home. - Exactly. - My body, I feel good. I can exercise, I can jump, I can. - And you don't have to be a mother to like, have all of those thoughts and those moments where actually like this body shows up for me every day. - We're sure because our bodies let up here. I can sit like this because I have the flexibility. Like so many things that we take for granted. - Smallest thing. Like I had this friend and he was always in pain. He had like back issues. And he's like, are you really not in pain? Like can you really sit like that? And I was like, yeah. - You don't even think about it. - I can't sit like, can you not? And he's like, no, I would be in pain. And I was like, holy shit, like people that live with pain and I don't, I'm-- - Yeah, it's really things, yeah. - It's better if like-- - Literally. - You can't, you have to be grateful for what you have. - Yeah, like I can be bent like a pretzel when I go in fog and like, and grateful for that. So I can put my legs-- - I can put my legs-- - I can put my legs way back. So like, just remembering that in anything. Like, in literally anything. When I feel bad in that I might still have a shitty day, even if I remember everything and I can be grateful at the same time. - Exactly. And I think like it's, there's a quote that's gone around where it's like, life is too short to hate your body. And it's true. Like, between hating it and loving it, they're not fucking loving. - Yeah, exactly. Like, get over that battle with yourself because otherwise it's like, you just live this life of misery. - Exactly. In literally, like, when I look back, I was like, you're so fucking stupid. Like, I wish I had not been so insecure. I wish I had just taken my big shirt off and run into the ocean. - Yeah, because what, like, what are you so scared of? - Like, what am I eating? It's literally-- - And hair. Like, oh my God, like, you're missing out on life's like, joys and pleasurable moments because you care so much about some hairy legs. - I would be at the boar at the beach and I would be thinking about how I look the whole time. - Yeah. And like, yearning to actually just jump in the ocean, but you're like, sat on the beach, like, oh, I want you on. - I have to run so that no one looks at you. - Yeah, and I think back to like all those, I think that's what helped me like, just get over myself. 'Cause you think back to all those memories and think I've pinned joy like a moth to, like, put things off until, oh, I'll be happier when. I lose weight or I'll be happier when I get surgery or whatever it is internally that you're thinking. And in the meantime, life is passing you by. In the meantime, like, you're missing out on memories and experiences because you care about, like, some stretch marks, like, in the grand scheme of things, it's like-- - Yeah, but-- - Get over your-- - Yeah, try to get over it. - And even if you do the thing, scared, but you're still worried about it, the difference of not fucking caring being in the moment and enjoying the experience. - You remember how you felt in that moment. You're not gonna remember whether you shaved your armpit that day or not, like, you can remember how amazing that felt to be on the beach and be free or, like, just getting the ocean. - Yeah. - Not, like, if you-- - No, making that mindset shift, it's hard, but, like, once you-- - Once you do it, it's like anything just clicks and you're like, oh. - It's like, oh. - Is that easy? - Like, I have belly rolls? Yes, I do, they're cute. Do you wanna grab them, like, if we go on? - Yeah. - Grab me the chips, like, I'm still eating anything I want. Also be eating, like, it's like, oh no, let me not eat because, like, the diet culture is just-- - Yeah. - Terrible. - Yeah. - You will have, well, you grew up-- - You grew up here, and literally-- - I'm such a tourist, I love food. I love food, I've never denied myself, like, food because of, like, diet culture. Like, I remember diet culture in the media growing up, like, the special K diet, I don't know if you, like-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like, having a bowl of cereal, essentially, for your dinner, and that's gonna help you lose weight, like, all of that growing up-- - As if, because it's all nutrition, isn't it? - Right, it's so-- - It's so nourishing. (laughing) - But we weren't interested in what's good for you, we were interested in, you know, what looks best. So, obviously, growing up with that in the media, I think, on some level, it's obviously had impact, but going back to, like, my mom, she never projected that onto me. - Mom, but where is she? - Love you, Mom. - You're here. - You did a great job. - Truly, she just read a book or something. - Yeah, that wasn't, that's insane. Like, she's so good. - Yeah, so I've never been inclined to, like, do any dieting. - Mm-hmm. (laughing) - What about when you were, like, going to hide my postpartum body, when you're like, "Oh, maybe if I diet, it'll go away." - No. - No. (laughing) - Incredible. - Yeah. - Like, it didn't work, like, society failed. - No, literally. (laughing) - It was not completely in that way. - In that way, it definitely failed, 'cause I just have always had some level of, like, being comfortable in my body, and, like, not wanting to deny myself food, 'cause some, like, that's my greatest love of life. - What? - Yeah, not. - Between food or sex, which one would you give up? - Oh, give up sex. (laughing) - It's not the same, like, it's not even a question for me. - I have food, and I can self-pleasure, so what? - Exactly. (laughing) - No, literally, I'm always-- - What is there to miss? - People that would give up food, and, like, do you even enjoy being alive? - Like, do you love your life? (laughing) Do you wanna be here? (laughing) - Yeah, exactly. - It's, like, food is everything. - Yeah. Okay, so if you had a megaphone, and you could speak to every person in the world, like, whatever age you want, they're gonna hear your message, what would you tell them? - Yeah, it's the same, what I said earlier, and it's been said before, and I'll say it again, life is too short to hate on your body. Like, you can't pin joy like a moth, and think, I'll be happy when I lose weight, or I'll be happy when, like, I get this magical stretch, Mark Cree, and that's gonna get rid of all of my insecurities. And in the meantime, life is happening around you, and you're gonna have so many regrets. So I think you're meant to enjoy your body, and once you shift your perspective, and just let go of all of the things that stop you from being happy, and enjoying your life, like, that's... - So just get out for us, I hope, truly. - And, like, looking back, you wanna look back and be like, I enjoyed every single moment. - Exactly. - You will never be this young, as long as you are right now. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Never. - Yeah. - So, like, what are you gonna do about it? - Yeah. - If you died tomorrow, or you're gonna die, like, did you live, or did you not live? - Yeah. - Did you live worried about how the fuck you live? - If I can study that, like, what about that is? (laughs) - Yeah, your back rolls and the back hair, whatever it is, how did you live, and are you okay with that? - Are you happy with that? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Exactly. - Ooh, how have you dealt with hate? Like, your overall feedback has been pretty positive. - Yeah. - But how have you had, like, really... - Yeah. - Not really, I mean, 90% of it is positive, and then I'll get, like, the odd comment of, like, immature guys, like, pretty nice. - Not disgusting, or whatever. - Yeah, or, like, insecure women, like, oh, like, this is not acceptable, but I just, I think it's, like, more of a reflection of them and their insecurities. - You saw my true IQ. (laughs) - I think, at first, I was more scared to just show up online and be vulnerable. Like, I didn't really kind of care what people said initially, but then, because it was so overwhelming, positive, I was like, oh, I've got, like, nothing to worry about, so, and it's only when, like, a few posts have gone viral that it will be, like, yeah, like, some negativity. Nobody really ever comes into my DMs or comes into my account to be, like, trolling me. Like, it's only ever the odd comment that I see, so, like, overall, I'm like, what's that in the grand scheme of things when most people are more, like, impacted and moved by what I've shown, and they can see themselves in that, so I'm like, what's, like, a super comment from, like, an immature guy, and he's like, ew. Like, ew, back at you, so, like-- - So, tell me about your relationships. All right, what are two relationships that is right now? - I'm single. (laughs) Single and dating, or single and happy and single? - No, I'm not really interested in dating. I was on the dating apps. I've kind of been on and off the dating apps for years, and I'm just too much of a lover girl, like, to do anything casual, and I've realized that about myself now that I'm older, I'm like-- - But to find something serious, you still have to date. - Yeah, but I think, for me, it's like, I'm just too, I get attached, not attached to you easily, but I romanticize things a lot, and I think I've just ended up in situations where it's like, nothing serious is gonna happen, but I've, like, kind of, in my mind, I'm forcing it, because I love, I'm just a lover girl, I love, I love love, and I'm like, everyone that comes along, I'm like, I could be in love with them, you know? - Yeah, it's hard for you to let them go once you realize that they go anywhere. - I connect, people go pretty easily, but it's just, it's for me, I can talk myself into things as much as I can talk myself out of things. - Yeah, but does that mean you give them more of a chance? Like, 'cause you see their potential or whatever? - Yeah, that's exactly it. My best friend, he's a guy, and he's always like, "Sid, you're always giving people," like, too many chances. - Too many chances. - Or like, you need to have better boundaries, like, there'll always be something, even on the first date where I'm like, in my mind, I know it's not gonna work, but I let it drag on, and then I end up like-- - How many days will you go on? As many as it takes for me to be like, no. - No, we're not compatible, and that's okay, so-- - So, tell me a few boundaries that you've been wanting to implement, and you haven't yet. - Well, for me now, I'm just like, no, no sex, because I get attached, and like, I hate that feeling of like, when you're in the in-between, and like, you're seeing each other, like, things are going good, but there's no-- - Really exclusive, you know, yeah. - And so, but that's such a horrible feeling to kind of sit with, and then you're intimate, and then it's like, oh, like, I don't know, like, for me, I'm like, I need more, like, sex is only great for me when you're like in love, like, when there's feelings involved, and like, things like, you're kind of like, have that commitment, or like, even a loose commitment to each other, like, we're gonna do this, like-- - Yeah, so for you, you'd rather wait until-- - Yeah. - Until you're committed, you're something, you have a label, you're exclusive. - Oh, we've agreed, like, we are serious about exploring this together, like, yeah, I think that's, I've kind of drawn a line in the sand for myself, after my last dating experience as well, I'm like, you can't get carried away like that, because as much as it's great, like, romanticizing things, like, it's not actually conducive to like, growth, or like, being with someone. - And have you been able to succeed with this? - I haven't been able to, you haven't tried yet. - Do you want to, do you want to do something like that? - When the time comes, I'm like, remember, you're boundary Sydney, so, but yeah, I think for me, I just want something, I want to meet someone in real life, for something to happen, like, really organic. - Well, are you putting yourself out there in real life? (laughing) - Maybe, maybe not. - I agree, like, I love the abs, I think they're great, and I also love meeting people out in the wild, like, it's just different, it's rewarding, it's like, it's, it's, it's-- - And there's less pressure. - Yeah, it's very charming, and there's less pressure, 'cause I think when you're using a dating app, it's kind of like, you both know what, like, you're there for a reason, like, you're there, kind of, for a-- - But a lot of people find serious relationships and on the abs. - Yeah, it's true, but I think when you meet people like, in real life, it's kind of-- - There's no, literally no expectation. - There's no expectation. There's no pressure, whereas you do enter a dating app with some level of expectation of, like, this is what I want now, I'm from you, whereas, yeah, in real life, like, someone got at the coffee shop, it's just kind of like, we can be friends, like, you're cute, like, let's just see, like, I'll combine next week. - We can just start with having one conversation. - Yeah, like, and it doesn't have to be anything, so-- - Less pressure for you. - Yeah, I think, yeah, that's where I need to just stay out, like, and pressure. - So, let someone, like, walk into my life, and I'm like, oh, they seem like they need to come knock on your door, 'cause you're not really out there. - I am outside, just not like, I don't go clubbing, like, I do festivals, like, I go to a coffee shop, it's like, you know, that's a cute me key, right? Like, just being at a little coffee shop. - Well, in the UK, like, it's not that common for people to come up to you. - No. - Like, it's all, like, in the US, or, like, in other countries where, like, if I say to buy myself for a little while, like, people are coming, yes, I'm coming from the gorgeous-- - You are that girl. - Yeah, I'm that girl. And I've always been used to that, but I feel like in the UK, whenever I've been, like, by myself, or, like, whatever the fuck. - Yeah, I befriend my waiter, like, I believe that-- - People don't come up to you, I think they don't. - I'm lucky where I am now, I've lived there for six months, I'm like, in this, in Vauxhall, and there's, like, a little village in the middle of, like, Central London, and everyone's really friendly, like, the neighbourhood is, like, a proper community neighbourhood, and so everyone's really friendly, and I think that, for me, has been, like, a good way for me to, kind of, meet people, and just, like, be more confident in the wild, like, just be friendly, like-- - Yeah, so, so, people come up to you, or do you also just, like, talk to anyone? - Yeah, I kind of just, I've got to that point where I just talk to anyone, like, if I see, especially 'cause I kind of go to the same places, so you see the same faces, so, after a while, you're already kind of familiar. - Okay, so it's like, at that point, you can just be like-- - That's cheating. - Bit more cheating. - Is it cheating? - If you've seen each other 10 times, you're like, okay, fine, I'll say something. - There's nothing wrong with the slow burn, okay? I'm leaning into that. - You're a true romantic. - Yeah. - Yeah. - You should, like, really impatient when it comes to, like, love connection as a meeting people, but I'm like, I've learned through, like, experience that, I'm like, there's slow burns, there's something to it, like-- - That's why they tell the books. - Yeah, exactly, it's gonna be a long read, but dating, yeah, I'm just kind of in, it's been a weird couple of years, 'cause I don't know if you know, I kind of posted a little bit about it in my stories before, but I had, like, a bisexual awakening a few years ago. Again, I'm such a late bloomer with like-- - No, no, not, but bisexual women are late bloomers, I'm a late bloomer, so like, don't worry about it. - So, yeah, I had this kind of awakening a couple of years ago, and I was just like-- - How did you find out, 'cause I found out through TikTok. (laughs) - No, TikTok came for me afterwards, so my one was actually, like, a one night stand, basically, with a girl, like, that she came on to me, and was like, come back to my day. - And you said, you just-- - I was, yeah, I was like, okay, she was really cute. - But you're really kind of new, you were interested. - But I never acknowledged it. - Yeah. - I never acknowledged it. - But as soon as she asked, you were like, fuck it now. - Yeah, and I was down, and then after that night, I was like, I would do that, like, over and over again, and then I was like, the best thing ever, ever. So, yeah, for me, I was just like, that totally kind of changed my perspective on, like, love and dating, and I was like, oh my god, there's so much, like, the world is so big. There's so many people out there. - Endless options. - Endless options, so-- - Yeah, I was bisexual, so pretty greedy. (laughs) - That's what they said. - It's correct, at least in my case. (laughs) But it's funny, like, even though I was open to it at that point, I'd never acknowledged it up until then, but looking after that, and then looking back, it's like, oh, duh, you had a crush on her. Like, that's why you loved her, I wanted to be her best friend. - Literally, yes. - That's common. - That's common, too, yeah. - For me, it was making out with my friends, and I thought it was super straight, but I was always looking forward. Like, whenever we were out, I was like, waiting for when we would make out, and I was like, I wanna make out with you. (laughs) So, and I was like, that's so straight, like, of course I'm loved by it, I was, I am. So, wait, so when you start dating again, like, do you see yourself dating someone other than a man? Like, I-- - Yeah, I'm kind of open. - So the first time I actually dated a woman was, like, last year. - Dated, dated. - Yeah, like, dated, dated. And I felt like, oh my God, I'm really putting myself out. - Was you falling in love? - I was close to falling in love, but it just didn't work out. I don't think our lives were compatible, and we didn't, like, want the same thing for the future, but I'm really glad that I had that experience, 'cause it's so much more intimate with a woman. - It's so different. - It's so different. - It's so different. It's, like, you're just, like, hanging out with a friend, and like-- - And they get it. - Whenever you're like, oh, I'm the week before my period, or I'm crinked, they understand exactly what you're saying. - A man is, like, your mystery, I don't know, with how to figure it out. - Yeah. - And the woman's, like, I know-- - It's like, I'm supposed in an understanding that you just immediately have. So, like, from that point on, like, getting to know each other is, like, instantly easier than it's ever been, like, dating a man. So, like, for me, yeah, being in that experience kind of just changed things for me, 'cause I'm like, well, I want that intimacy, 'cause I'm such a lover girl, and I don't know if I can get that with a guy, so-- - Is it easier for you to, like, be intimate with women, because that intimacy, that connection, is built so much faster? - Yeah, I think so. I think, like, my experiences with men, even though they've been mostly positive, it's still, like, you're not getting your needs, Matt. Like, in every way, physically, spiritually. There's always something, I felt, like, there's always been something missing. So, I'm just interested, even though I'm kind of open to dating anyone, I'm interested to see, like, what, like, who that person's gonna be, like, the one, or, like, what that looks like, because it just, like, it cracks you open, doesn't it? Like, when you're with a woman, it's like, whoa. (laughs) It just opens up the world, I think. - No, it's, everyone should try it, in my opinion. - Yeah, I think all women are gay, a little bit. - We're all little gay, I agree. - Honestly. - I do, 'cause it's like, I didn't think I was, and then it happened, and then I was like, this is great. - It's just a lot of us just don't understand that that is bisexuality, we're like, yeah, but that's not, of course I have a threesome with my best friend, like, duh, and you're like, no, we'll just connect the dots. - Say that again out loud, repeat it back to yourself. - Yeah, 'cause that's not-- - No, we're all in denial, all of us, it's insane. - Absolutely, yeah. - That's bad. - And then, yeah, the TikTok came afterwards. - Oh, TikTok told me I was bi, and I was like, oh, I am. - Yeah, you're so right. - Yeah, 'cause I thought I wasn't attracted to women, the men aren't attracted to women, and I was like, that's why I'm not bi, but we're just attracted to each other in extremely different ways, and that's what I didn't understand. - Yeah, and I think I'm still getting my head around that. Like, I initially, 'cause my first experience was one night stand, I thought I was only sexually-- - Yes, not romantically. - Yeah, but then when I dated, I was like, oh. - Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah, you're a love a girl for it. Like, anyone. - A lot of women stay at the sexual. Like, they'll have group play, they'll play with other women, but like, going on a date with a woman is-- - I felt like, like, a virgin again. I felt like a teenager, like, oh my god. - I was so nervous, my first day with the woman. I was like, holy shit, I'm shitting my pants, like, I'm so nervous. - Like, being sat at the table, like, if it was a guy, I'd be like, whatever, but like-- - Literally. - I was like, in my mind, like, freaking out, like-- - Yeah. - I'm with a girl, like, on a date. - Yes. - What the fuck? - Yes, I know. - I'm out of use at me. You're doing it. - Yeah, literally. It's so, and it's like, like, I was proud of myself, and it's like, fuck yeah, I'm doing it. - Yeah. - And it's liberating, and it's fulfilling in ways that I never, like, had before. - Yeah, I was like, I want everyone to know that this is a date, and I'll just-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right? I'm like, dape. - And it's like, you know, hold hands. - Yeah, yeah, literally. - I love, like, the bi experience, honestly. I love hearing people's stories, but, like, you said, like, all women, it's like, we do find out so much later. - We're in denial. - It's like, it was in denial. - Correct. - Really, because we're attracted to men, then it's like, fine. - And it's heteronormative, like, to be. So it's like, you never really put two and two together, until it's literally right in your face, and then you can't ignore it any longer. And then you're like, oh. - You're like, I'm really here now. (laughing) - Okay, and you said that your physical needs are usually not met with men. So, like, let's talk about pleasure, and how you learn how to advocate for your pleasure, or are you not there yet? - Yeah, I think, like, again, that's something I'm really passionate about, is, like, all of us need to go through a stage of, like, self-exploration and self-pleasure, self-discovery, so that we are more in tune with our body, and, like, what pleasure feels like and looks like for us, and then, like, kind of regardless of whoever you're being intimate with, you know how to get your needs met, and then learning how to communicate that as well, so. - Are you gonna communicate that? - No. (laughing) - It's so much harder. - Yes, I know. - It's so much harder said than done, but I think that's why it comes more naturally with women, 'cause it's, like, we have the same anatomy. - We understand. - Yes. - It's been a tradition. Penetration is completely optional. It's not-- - Yeah, yeah. - It's not required. - And it's not like the heat. - It's not expected. - Yeah. - It's not the main act, and we know how to get each other off. - It's not even a side plate, like, it's just-- - No, it's just really life. - Yeah, no one cares. (laughing) And, like, it's, with men, it's the opposite. So, like, when you're with a vulva owner, it's, like-- - Ah. - Yeah. - Let's play, literally. - Let's play, and play. - And that's how it feels. It's like, oh, it's exciting, like, it's new, or it's with guys. - And you never know what you're gonna end up doing. - Yeah. - Like, there are so many options on the menu, and it's not a sad menu, the menu changes, and you're always like, what will we do today? - Yeah, what's next? - Whereas, with men, it's like, oh, this, like-- - You know what? - Same menu. - Yeah. - Maybe different-- - You're not ordered the same thing from that same restaurant every time. - Actually, I try to find people that are-- - Just more explicit. - Out of the box, like-- - Yeah. - Let's be kinky, let's tell you, like, let's-- - Yeah. - Well, let's just play, like, let's have fun exploring each other's bodies, like we don't just need to, like, in, out, in, out. - Yes, but penetration needs to be, like, an option. Like, it's not a, it's not the main thing. - Yeah. - Okay, like, there's so much to do. - It's true. - Like, literally, like, tie me up. - So much more to explore. - Tie a vibrator to my-- - Like, lick me, go to your ring, and then come back and see if I'm still alive. Like, like, there's, you don't have no motivation. (laughing) - Let's mess up this bed, like-- - Yeah, like, I don't know, there's just so much to do. - Yeah, and I think, like, even though I'm quite open, I'd still say I'm quite vanilla. - Yeah. - Like, I don't, I'm not-- - Which is fine. - Which is fine, and, like, realizing that, like, I'm not really a kinky person, but we can still have fun, like, we can still play-- - So much fun. - We can still explore, and we can still, like, be, like, vanilla-y. - No, vanilla people, like, they're still endless ways of doing the same shit over and over again, but-- - Yeah. - Yeah. - If you put in the effort, you will never be bored, you will never fall into the routine, but it takes effort for anyone. - Yeah, but I found, like, with guys that don't wanna put in that effort, it's kind of like-- - Oh, you have to find the bare minimum. - Oh, I know. 'Cause that gets, the bare minimum gets them off. Whereas, in, no, no, no, no, no. It's terrible, no, we don't like that. - Mm-hmm. - All right, any exciting projects coming up for you? - Not really. I'm kind of, I know that's-- - Wait, what? Is this your full-time job? - No, so I have another job. - You have a job. - Yeah, I manage the social media account for a skincare brand. - Okay. - So that's kind of like my main thing. This, like, I've kind of taken a step back in some ways. So, just to kind of, like, live my life, and I've just moved to London in, like, the last six months, so I'm like, I've woken up in, like, a totally new world and new life and just, like, figuring that out and, like, just kind of settling into that a bit more. - Well, but personal projects are just, like, continuing to grow your life now and suddenly-- - Yeah, I think just becoming, like, part of a community and, like, doing more things, that's to feel my personal life, rather than being online. And I think, like, it's because with the whole body positivity movement, I just feel, like, really detached from it. Like, the more it's grown, the less I see myself in it. So, I'm kind of figuring it out and navigating what's next for me, like, having to carve something for myself and, like, what I'm gonna do next and how I wanna show up online, because it's changed. Like, things are always transforming and with anything online, like, it's a very fast moving thing, but, like, I'm always gonna be conscious of, like, how can I make a positive impact? And if that means doing more things in real life, rather than just, like, posting news online, essentially, I'm like, okay, well, I've done that for a while now, I'm kind of bored of that. Like, how can I do that in a more impactful way? - Well, I think, like, if you are the creator, you can change it up and your audience should respond fairly well, 'cause I do basically whatever I want. - Yeah, exactly, but I'm kind of figuring out what it is that I want, how do I want it to shop? Like, what is next for me? How can I expand from being not that I'm pigeonholed, but just, like, what I've got so much more to me and, like, you know, we're all multifaceted creatures and how I can express myself and my personality more. So, like, doing this as well is, like, kind of, like, a step towards, like, oh, let's do, let's talk and do something different. - Yeah, I've found out, being about podcasts, like, at least in our space, are not big in the UK. So, like, it's, like, you're probably not used to being a guest on a podcast. - Yeah, it's not something that I do a lot. I've done it maybe once, years ago. - Right, so I think in the UK, it's not like, 'cause in the US and other countries in our space, there's so many podcasts, and it's, like, common to be a guest, and they come on yours, and like, it's like, it's a thing. - It's a thing, yeah. - And, like, here, they're like, what? Come on, my podcast, and you're like, what do you mean? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think it's that big in the UK. I do listen to podcasts, but, like, the main one I listen to, based in America, so, yeah, we need to catch up. - Yeah, we'll see. As long as people come online, I'm fine with that. - Yeah. - Okay, would you rather, would you rather that this be your main job, like, this pace of bills, like, is the only thing that you're doing, you can focus solely on that? - Or, that, like, you have your job, your current job, and, like, at the click of a finger, all your content is made, and you don't even have to worry about it. - No, like, it's so difficult, 'cause, like, I'm a creative person, so I think I'm always gonna wanna do and explore, like, different interests, 'cause I feel like, when you're creative, you're good, naturally, at different things, so, I would hate for my content just to be done like that. Like, I enjoy the process of it, like, what kind of, not ruins it for me, but what makes it difficult is, like, the, like, being on, like, how to show up, like, I like making the content, but it's like, actually posting it is the least exciting part. - Okay. - I like the creative process of it, and, so yeah, I don't, I'd still wanna do, explore different things, and I'd still continue, like, working in the way that I do, but also, just make it be, like, impactful in different ways. - Yeah. - Okay, awesome, that makes sense, yeah. (laughs) - Thank you so much for coming, Finn. - Thanks for having me, it's been a pleasure. - It's so fun. Are you ready to turn off the lights? - Yes. - Let's do it. (laughs)