The Johnny Salami Podcast
Wolfgang Hunter
Think I took a shit my neighbor's lawn *laughs* *laughs* Well, I love you, Madi-Dee And I'd meet you, Madi-Dee Why did you meet me here? Goodbye! If you're not *muffled singing* Oh, well, I've hurt you Oh, baby, it's not a lie I can't think of you and Brian And I tell you what I call Bring back my lawn Or immovable I don't know, I don't know, I guess Do you ever think about, like, what would happen if, like, your balls met each other? I think about it, 'cause they don't really like, they don't, they're, one's, I think, I don't know if this is normal But I feel like with most guys, one's usually bigger than the other Yeah, it's usually the left one, I think Yeah I think it's filled with cum Yeah, that's the cum though Depending on who you are I wish one of them was filled with Sprite, and I could, like, shoot Sprite on a girl Yeah, that'd be sick That would be your choice, like, Sprite I guess Starry, just because Sprite, yeah Never had that, man Starry is, like, the nicer version of Sprite You need, like, a membership to get there, or you can just Nah, you just get it at the 7-Eleven You just go, like, "Hey, can I have Sprite but for, like, all races of people?" Yeah, it's cool, like it's sick to you I didn't even know that I was gonna ask, 'cause it's, like, a specific niche, like, uh It's just, like, I think, like, a poor person thing where, like... It's, like, the Sprite of Queens, kind of? Yeah, kind of, where, like, if you're poor enough, you think Sprite is the same thing as water And so you kind of just drink it to stay hydrated Yeah, it's, like, those McDonald's Sprites Yeah, absolutely The manager's just pissed in there Oh, yeah, they've never cleaned the nozzle There's, like, tons of mold in it Yeah, I feel like, dude, at those places, like, if they just had someone just take a shit Like, all the food and stuff You probably wouldn't even notice, man, 'cause there's, like, such debt, like, dense ingredients Like, mayonnaise and shit Yeah, there's just things that, like, I feel like, take the flavor palette Uh, so that you're not even getting the huddle, the subtlety of the shit Yeah, and, you know, you're not getting those notes Because it's just so overpowered by the MSG and sodium Yeah, I used to do that, I used to bar back I'd have to go and, uh, like, pick up people's, like, dirty plates and shit Yeah Fucking, like, dude, I would get called retarded, like, all the time I'd think, yeah, that's the service industry, though I would just go on the back, dude, and I would just drop my fucking nuts on people's foods I don't even know if it was the right person, but no one ever noticed, man Sometimes you just got to sow the seeds of chaos, you know You don't necessarily have to be hitting the precise, you know, it's kind of like Israel You know, you can just, like, hit the general area, and it's still a successful mission Yeah, you're just kind of, like, behind the scenes, too, like, no one really knows You could've inadvertently exposed a child to your nuts, but, like, yeah, that's not your fault They were in the fucking zone, dude Yeah, you know, they were in the... Oh, it'd be crazy, though, if one guy was like, "Is somebody dropped their nuts on this?" Yeah 'Cause, like, what do you think... like, what do you do as a waitress or, like, a waiter when someone says it? You're like, "How do you..." You did the dad thing, and you're like, "How do you know what nuts taste like?" My dad would always do that when he fucked up on me, he'd be like, "It tastes like shit," and be like, "How do you know what shit tastes like, playing shit?" Yeah, a good one Yeah, you can't come back from that, dude Yeah, dude, dads always have the, like, the one last, like, fucking quipholstered up That kind of, like, it ultimately, like, will boil down to something that You can maybe answer, but they'll, like, kind of just lord over, like, the fact that they're you know, the financial aid or the provider for you Yeah 'Cause everyone I grew my hair out long, my dad told me to cut it, and I was like, "Well, Jesus had long hair," and, you know, he liked Jesus, and he was like, "Well, Jesus also walked everywhere, so you can get out of the fucking car and walk home." He made me walk home from, like, a game shop or something I feel like older men always have, like, a, um, like a bank in their head of, like, comebacks They do, they've stolen it and curated it from, like, other older men in their time But all those guys are dead, so, like, you can just have, like, if you're a dad and you're kind of, like, uh, you were raised by, like, belligerent alcohol 'Cause you can kind of, like, have a deep bag of, like, me and shit to say to your kids Yeah, yeah, but, like, uh, instilling fear into another man is something I, uh, I hope to one day accomplish, you know? That'd be cool, yeah I see it a lot, man, I just, like, I don't know, like, self-defense or anything Besides, like, pulling my pants down, you know what I mean? Oh, initiating day sex to, like, yeah 'Cause most guys that will fight a stranger are, like, deeply homophobic Or they're... I think they're deeply closeted, to be honest with you, they just want to fucking get close to... It's one or the other And sometimes it's both, if that makes sense Yeah 'Cause, like, when you go out, do you ever see, like, uh, two dudes kind of, like, get into it And they get, like, pretty close to each other? I've seen, uh, homo thugs before, for sure For real? Yeah, Rowey, uh, you know, Rowey Rosen Yeah He's my roommate for a while And he, like, took, like, a video of these guys, like, at Fulton And, like, one guy was just sitting, you know, the benches at Fulton Where he's sitting, waiting for the train One guy was sitting, and the other guy was, like, standing in front of him And just, like, was shoving his dick in the other guy's mouth Holy shit And these were, like, these dudes were in, like, Tim's and, like, the Yankee Fidded's You know, and they were, like, you know, like, real New York style So it's consensual? Yeah, you know, you never know I think at the end of the day, probably I don't know, it's really weird, but it's just, like, if you're trying to keep that on the DL Why are you doing that in front of, like, CCTV cameras and, like, a very public place Yeah Sometimes, I guess, you know, that... Wait, so when did the fight come into play? Or was that the fight? That, no, there was no fight, I was just saying that there was just... Oh, you were just talking about being gay? Being gay, yeah 'Cause fighting's gay Yeah, yeah, yeah I see what you did there 'Cause why would you want to put your hands on another man? Yeah, it's almost like a form of self-defense Yeah, it's essential, self-central defense I think they would just need, like, a lot of, like, government funding to teach that at, like, martial arts schools Yeah All the toys and stuff, like, you need, like, a big budget Yeah, 'cause, like, you know, you fight fire with fire Why wouldn't you fight rape with rape? Yeah, I guess, I mean, if you're a chemist, you know I feel like you'd know more about that shit than I do But sometimes, like, you know, opposite chemicals You know, they create, like, positive chemicals You know what I mean? Like, two, like, deadly chemicals Like, homosexuals Mm-hmm When they combine forces, dude, they could produce something, you know Unique Yeah Yeah Fucking, like, shift the tectonic plates or something, you know what I mean? Yeah, I think that's, like, how Oscar-nom movies happen What type of movies? Like, Oscar-nominated movies Like, it's usually two powerful homosexual forces Colescing into, like, a beautiful piece of art Mm-hmm And sometimes it's just a guy getting his teeth smashed out in a prison And his face fucked by another man But, you know, it's a, it's a, it's a wild, wild world out there You know, there's a lot of variety I used to think that about, like, chicks I would think, like, maybe, like, you know, I might be retarded But maybe I'll meet, like, a mature young woman Who can, like, like, once we combine forces, dude, like Fucking, just break the simulation, you know what I mean? Yeah But, uh, I'm still trying to just haven't really figured it out yet, you know, but That's, like, my hope, that's, like, my false hope that I live with What would the girl need to do to help you break the simulation? Like, what would be her equivalent of, like, being, like, the personification of the red pill? Mm-hmm I think she would just have to have, like, a solid fucking roast beef sandwich, dude You know what I mean? Oh, yeah No, I'm just kidding, my bad, dude Matt and Nate curtains But, like, you see what just happened right there? Yeah, yeah, yeah Like, am I a fucking, I just went right to that You were right to that Nothing, there was no preface, like, there was no critical thinking So she would be the opposite, like, she would think before she answered that And I think if we met those two forces combining, like, me just saying stupid shit And her, like, applying, like, her critical thinking, excuse me And actually realizing it Everything, yeah Yeah, so you need to, like, meet up with, like, a girl that does, like, PR Probably for somebody, like, Kanye or something like that I was thinking more, like, a doctor, maybe, like, a pediatrician I've already met one, dude, and she was, like, very, like, very autistic Well, I feel like I would be glad if my pediatrician was autistic I feel like I would feel, yeah 'Cause then, you know, you're leaving your, like, child, incapable, logical hands Yeah, how far on the spectrum do you think? Um, you need it to be, like, a little past, like, GameStop employee But not, like, all the way to where, like, it's, like, anime level autistic Like, somewhere where, like, like, Naruto type shit Yeah, like, you can't go that far Yeah, like, someone who would cry over, like, a Naruto episode Yeah, like, you need there to be some level of, like, rationality there But you don't want them to be so far removed from being, like, a regular person That they don't, like, you know, value the beautiful innocence and, you know, life of a child That makes sense Yeah That would be cool, though, man, like, I feel like All I really want in life, dude, is to, like, I just want to fucking golf, dude Mm, I just want to jerk off Okay And I want to be, like, surrounded by a woman who, like, thinks I'm retarded But she's, like, trying to help me Yeah You know what I mean? But in this scenario, are you retarded, or are you just, are you faking it, or is it just No, like, usually I certainly like, like, I can be myself around her But, like, her, like, journey in life is to, like, guide me through, like, help me find shit I think a lot of women would argue that's just what being a girlfriend to most guys is Yeah Yes, I think you just want a girlfriend I think so, man Yeah But you guys can't, like, explain it Yeah, no, I think it's natural, man Yeah I think it's a, I, I've felt the same desires myself Yeah, are you slapping cheeks, dude? Yeah, I have a girlfriend, yeah, yeah Fuck yeah, man Yeah, I have my, like, caretaker, I guess She guides you through? Yeah, she's, like, she's fully aware that I'm, like, kind of a retarded guy Yeah But is, like, I think I know, she's amused by me enough and feels that there's enough security Yeah Yeah, there's something about, like, you know, she's, like, watching me play Marvel Spider-Man, too, like, she doesn't have to worry about What, uh, with device? PS5 Okay Yeah, 'cause PS5 is only Yeah, you're an interesting guy, man You look like fucking, you're related to Steven Seagal for some reason, dude Oh, really? Yeah, but, like, not, not actually I feel like you would look more like a Steven Seagal Really? Like, relatives and, yeah, you have this, like, the broad, like, kind of Maybe, like, jocko-willing features, yeah They look like jocko-willing, like, retarded sound or something I think those are the same kind of guy, I think they have equal level proficiency in martial arts And are equally as capable of handling domestic terrorist and terrorist abroad Yeah, hold on, I'm not gonna take this off, dude Yeah, you can, man Fucking sweat my tits off, dude My little fucking gooch Shed the armor, dude Yeah, I don't feel right, dude, if I'm not wearing my polo sometimes Yeah, you do have that shit on All day, baby I'll constantly, yeah Oh, fuck Did you feel that? I did feel that I've never actually met a guy that wore a collared polo underneath a hoodie Yeah, I was getting hot, dude No, it's okay, man Not, like, literally hot, dude, just getting, like, you know Yeah Yeah, I know exactly what you mean Yeah What's your go-to, like, swag, man, because you always look like I, like, swagged out I like varying it up, I don't like, uh, I think I'm, like, um, swag bisexual We're like, I have, like, you know, like, very, like, I don't know Just whatever, hand me down Yeah, you look fucking dope as shit, dude, no homo Oh, dude, pause, pause with that, but thank you Yeah, um What's that, what does that mean? Uh, pause, I believe that is, like, you know It's, uh, the urban vernacular in Pitois Way of saying, like, no homo It's just more of, like, the cool little new deal I've heard a few people will say it, man So I just had to write that down in my head for next time Yeah, it's very New York Yeah, they say pause You think that's cooler than no homo, though, dude? I feel like no homo has been around for a while I think that it's like, it's the, there's something of, uh, There's a stigma to, you know, there's a stigma behind no homo Yeah That, uh, people that would maybe apply to an actual sense get mad at it Yeah So, in a way, uh, cool black guys in New York found a way to circumvent it By bringing back an oldie, but a goodie, which is pause, you know, pauses there Yeah You're like, pause, like, what you mean, you know And I think as a, as a guy that is the exact opposite of a cool black guy It's very funny to take that and do it, but, like, in my voice How do you feel when guys, uh, kind of, like, give you a compliment Followed by in our homo, like, you feel good? I feel, in the, in the general sense, uh, I think there's actually a sense of relief Because if they don't throw that in there, then, like, kind of the dad voice in your heads Just calling you gay Yeah And for the, the other party to, uh, kind of, uh, uh, you know, kind of stoke those fears, you know And just kind of push them aside and be like, no, it's not gay, actually I meant that is just, like, you know, player to player, respect, you know It feels nice and moderation Yeah, you don't want to be, you know Like, a hair in my mouth, dude Oh, dude, you're good, man Yeah, you don't, you don't get crazy with it Yeah Yeah, man, I, uh, I think I'm just going to keep saying no homo, I really like it If you like it, man, as long as you're not egregious with it, I feel like most people kind of rock with it Mm-hmm, you know, I just, I just like the, the New York style of saying pause Yeah Makes me feel like I'm not a transplant Do you have, like, an outfit, though, that you can rock with, where you feel like If you were gonna go to war, you know, like, if you knew it was your last day, dude Maybe your girlfriend just broke up with you or something, and you're just trying to fucking Like, I'm gonna crisp and wall my girlfriend, or am I gonna, like, just Like, you're a venture capitalist who just got broken up with, and you're trying to fucking be mayor of Titty City, dude, like, are you gonna, what are you gonna throw on? Mm I don't know, I guess it depends on what part of town I am, and, you know, like, if I'm going somewhere, like, I'm going to, like, the stand, you know, I'm gonna probably do the, do the cool, like, wigger guy thing, where, like, I wear, like, a, like, a, a windbreaker that's really cool, and then, like, cool sneakers, but if I was walking out and about in Brooklyn, I'd probably just, like, this throw on some, like, you know, some boots, some, like, wear boots on Are you smelling pussy out there, like, when you're dressed nice like that? Nah, I kind of have, like, girlfriend powers, where, like, there's kind of just the force field of, like, relationship induced autism, when I have a girlfriend. Yeah. For, like, I'm not even perceiving any of that, like, a girl could come up blatantly hitting on me, and I would just kind of, like, hit her with, like, the World War II fact. Little stiff arm action, yeah, a little bit. Derick Henry stiff arm type, yeah. Yeah, a little bit, kind of just pushing through, hit her with the fucking Charles Xavier, kind of, like, oh, dude, you fucking know about Dragon Ball Z, you know, and then she kind of thought that was, like, a gun, I think we're gonna, like, do a little rush on all that type shit, threatening to kill myself. No, I'm trying to get the pussy away and not attracted to me. Dude, sometimes that works though, dude. Dude, women love a guy that's about to kill yourself. Suicide-walk type shit, mm-hmm. You're like, yo, I'm about to get all this pussy home. Who will love a project? Yeah, yeah. That'll be wild, dude. Yeah. Dress up in, like, fucking, uh, like, fucking savage on your nuts. You just dressed up in, like, a jean jacket, like, jean pants, but you have a gun, dude. Yeah. You're like, yo, it's like Johnny Depp and he, yeah, you have, like, the Oracle owner. You have, like, a fake gun. You're like, yo, it's Suicide Watch, baby. I feel like that would, that would fucking, there'd be some flash flood warnings. With the right kind of ladies, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, if you take that shit to Bushwick. Oh, yeah. I think it'd be even cool if you brought a real gun that was loaded, dude. Just start putting off, like, and start blowing fire. I think my girlfriend would shoot me in the head if I had a real gun. Yeah, I'm just saying if she wasn't there. She wasn't there, I would, yeah. Yeah. I would, but if she was there, I'd, like, I feel like I could hand her a loaded gun and before I even, like, explained her, like, don't, you know, yeah. I think, you know, the only thing saving me would be that she doesn't know what a safety is and how to take it off. Yeah, safety off, dude. Fully loaded. Actually, yeah, just hand your girlfriend a loaded safety off gun. Not even a gun, just the switch, you know, fully automatic. Uzi, you bought from a fucking guy off a one train. Yeah, you just shoot up like a fucking talk. Nah, that'd be fucked. I feel like blindfiring to move. You can't get any of this on the fucking East Coast and it'd be good. It's always better on the West Coast. Do you have, like, a place you would shoot up, like, if you had the option? Without killing anyone, like, just, like, a store. Like, you would really fucking fuck up. Oh, you, like, pulp fiction and, like, kind of just, like, miss every shot. I'm just thinking, like, you running down the road full, like, full 40-yard dash type shit. And then you slide, like, you're sliding a third base, trying to dodge a fucking swipe. And then you shoot simultaneously. Like, what place are you shooting at? That's tough. Maybe a Best Buy. I agree, man. I've said this before, dude. Yeah. I would fucking blow that place up. Yeah, there's just so much, like, nice stuff in there. And, like, the intrusive thought I always have when I, like, pass by a flat screen TV. Like, what if I just smash the fuck out of that TV? Yeah, yeah. And just to do that to, like, 1,000 TVs at once. I feel like you'd have to leave the-- You would collectively make every dad on the planet lose his shit. That would be so fucking stupid. Yeah, every dad would just hike his pants a little higher above his belly button. Yeah, dude. Dude, I would, uh, I'd shoot up a fucking, like, a JD buy rider. You ever been there? I don't even know what that is. Is that, like, a pharmacy? No, it's, like, a car rental place. Oh, yeah. Okay, so is this, like, Fox or more closer to, like, a Hertz? Uh, well, I'm gonna be honest, man. It's not even, like, a car rental place. But they, uh, I went there when I was younger with my mom. And, uh, they sat us down and, like, kind of, like, walked us through shit for, like, a few hours. And then they dropped the bomb on us, dude. They were, like, this-- we-- we finance only. Okay. So they wasted, like, a lot of our time. But I just remember, like, being in there and being, like, dude, if I ever get the chance, like, I'm gonna fucking light this place up. Yeah, it was one of those places, and, like, no one really goes inside. And when they do, they almost, like, kind of hold you captive. You ever been inside, like, a furniture store? Like, a fucking Bob's discount furniture or something? Yeah. The second you come through the door, they're fucking putting you in a show called, dude, like-- Yeah, 'cause those guys, like, I don't really get entirely paid off commission or whatever. Yeah, they make you buy a shit. You don't need any stuff, man. Yeah. That would be a good place to shoot up. That's why you gotta go to the rich people places that you can't afford stuff. Yeah. Or, like, the salespeople want you to come up to them, where it's, like, they're the girl, almost, and you're gonna be like, "Excuse me, I'd like to buy this $10,000 couch." She's like, "Really? You would?" And you're like, "You're right. I can't afford it." Yeah, it would be funny to buy, like, say you're gonna buy the couch and have them, like, bring it out to the front, and then shoot up the furniture store. That would be kind of cool. And just steal the couch, dude, you know what I mean? Yeah, what are some other good places to shoot up? You know, like, the first scene of Batman with the school bus, except, like, you're stealing a fucking couch. Oh, like, in the dark night? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I always liked imagining that scene, but it's, like, guys just trying to get, like, fucking, you know, like, war hammer at, like, GameStop or just whatever new PlayStation game it is. I think when I thought about it as a kid, it was like, that was when the new, um, the new fucking, uh, what's it called? Skyrim was coming out. Yeah, that'd be a good sketch idea, dude. Yeah. Yeah. If you ever want to film that, yeah, I'm down. That could be, that could be fun. Um, I don't know where we would get the school bus. Maybe we could steal, like, one of those Hasidic school buses in Williamsburg. Yeah. And do it, because they kind of just leave those wherever the fuck they want. I feel like a school bus really wouldn't be that hard to steal, man, because they put them all in the same, like, lot. A lot. But the, um, the Jewish ones for, like, the Hasidic people. Yeah, just to get back at the Jews. Well, and not eat, well, I guess, yeah, not in, like, the Jewish, just more in the sense that those specific Jews, like, to park it literally in the middle of the road when it's, like, a busy day. Yeah, it's a story the other day, man. I've heard, I've heard some shit about that. Yeah, it's kind of, it's honestly inspired me to where, like, if I get a car in the city, I think I'm just going to slap some Hebrew on the side of it. So I never get a ticket anywhere in Brooklyn. You think that would work? Yeah. I think they just really are just, like, cops in general, whenever they see that shit. They're just like, I'm not dealing with that. It was the same thing in COVID where they weren't getting vaccinated, and they were still, like, fucking mean-up when everybody else was locked down. Oh, really? Yeah, and they were like, well, what's it going to look like if we take out firehouses right now and spray these guys? We have to, what are the requirements to be acidic to you? You have to make your wife shave her head. Really? You have to have, like, Britney Spears type shit? Yeah, no, not on some Britney Spears shit. We're, it's just on some, like, religious type shit. Yeah. You got to shave her head and make her wear a wig. What do you do, just bring your wife to, like, supercuts and a lot of happen? Or, like, you do it yourself? I think you have to make her do it herself, and she has to tearfully do it, and she doesn't cry. You have to, like, yell at her. What about her VJJ, dude? Did you keep that thing full-grown? I don't know. I've never seen acidic ones with JJ. That would be wild, dude. Having a wife with a shaved head and a full-grown VJJ? That would kind of be sick. Yeah, that'd be it. I think that would be kind of awesome. Her walking into fucking Bob's discount furniture, dude, you're shooting it up. Yeah. That would be sick. Imagine being the manager there when that happens. You have to explain that an acidic woman. That, like, the Avatar showed up and just shot up the place. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Master all four elements. Interest rates. Pearl clutching. Being annoying. What would the fourth one be? If it's a girl, then avoiding the... Avoiding eye contact? No, avoiding that, dude. She's blind firing. She's, you know, but not more of their insane ability. The women, for whatever reason, seem to bypass all the defects of inbreeding. And that community, where as it hits the guys pretty hard. Yeah. Yeah, which, you know. Nothing about a strong breeding there, dude. Yeah, no, I mean, fuck it. Royal people do it. Yeah. If you have the option in the future, like, if you have, like, a son or something, you think you would, like, maybe dabble in, like, some genetic modification? I have thought about, like, putting, like, HGH in my kid's fruit loop so that they become jacked and strong. I think they would just get hairy, you know? Maybe. I don't actually know and know about science, and I don't think it would be responsible for me to do that. But I think, in my mind, it would, like, kind of have, like, Popeye spinach rules, where, like, it just, kind of, yokes them up and makes them, like, able to dunk and do cool shit. You're just throwing haymakers at people, like, for no reason? Oh, yeah, dude. Imagine if, like, you had to fucking baby goes around beating your shit out of people. Yeah. Nobody's going to call that in. Yeah. It's like, "Oh, my God. Wolf, can you hang out with Joe Rogan?" He's like, "No, this is just my baby. I feed HGH." She let him lose, dude. He just looks and sounds like Joe Rogan, because I've fucked the body. If you could, though, like, if you could genetically modify your son, like, is that what you would do? It would just make him jacked. Make him jacked and fucking cool. Yeah. Yeah. Powerful. Yeah. I think I would, like, I'd go, like, I'd take it a step further, dude. Yeah. Maybe make my son have, like, six dicks. Six dicks. Like, an utter of dicks. Yeah. That would be pretty sick. Six dicks. Always hard, dude. Never flaccid. Oh. Fucking-- Always hard? Always hard, dude. Oh, he's going to be retarded, then. Yeah, you need that blood going to your brain. You can't always be hard. But, dude, that's the whole point, man. Like, if you're going to get genetically modified, just go all the way, dude. Yeah. Dude, I would want, like, a, like, a tit. Hands too soft. I would want a tit to hard. Like, on the back of his head, so he looks like some sort of, like, mortal combat figure, too. Oh, so you're fully making, like, a Cronenberg. Yeah, dude, I'm trying to fucking start a World War, dude. Oh, no, I'm just trying to make my kids, like, a Jack, like, Cooper flag. I'm not trying to-- Oh, all right. You're thinking about the future. I'm thinking about, yeah. I'm thinking about the future of the NBA. You're thinking about doing, like, a full ride? Yeah, like, full ride. But, like, also, like, I want to teach him-- I want him to have the explosiveness and athleticism needed to, like, be D1. But I also want him to have, like, yeah, the fast switch. But the fast switch only goes so far, even with a good diet. A lot of the fast switch guys end up having career-ending injuries. Like, I want him to also have a good, like, midi game, you know, where you can hit a J from, like, the baseline or something. You know, he doesn't always need to be driving to the fucking paint. Because that'll, you know, that'll give you fucking, at best, tendinitis, you know? Yeah, I mean, he'd already be ballin' out if he has a mid-J. Yeah. That mid-J is underrated, dude. Get in your spot, like, fucking co-i, dude, and just flakein' the rest. Yeah, you just hit the mid-- That takes you to the next level, man. It really does. You know, that triple threat type shit. Yeah, 'cause everybody's, like, thinking paint and perimeter. Nobody's thinking about-- Yeah, one's thinking, like, Steph Curry type shit. But they don't know what he's been through. They don't know that he started at that mid-J. And then work his way out. Kids nowadays are just starting from full cord, dude, just throwing fucking Hail Marys and, like, fucking knocking on English. Now you gotta take it out, step-by-step, you know? There are, like, some films online, dude, that just, like, uh, it'll be, like, mixtapes of kids who, like, think they're Steph Curry, dude, and they're just throwing, like, full on Hail Marys from, like, three-fourths of the cord, and just, like, knocking out, like, English teachers. Damn. It's funny, 'cause they always have, like, they always have, like, some hardcore rap music playing in the background. It's, like, that song, Flick of the Rest. You remember that song? Yeah. Look at the Flick of the Rest. Yeah, that was a big and one mixtape. I mean, dude, you ever-- You're about fucking 20 times. You ball out casually? I haven't balled out in a minute, but I used to play a lot of pickup, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I fucking, the last time I played pickup, though, I, like, blew my hamstring just going for a rebound. And I was like, yeah, fucking-- It's tough, man. Yeah, you know, the athleticism wore off. I had, like, black-eye athleticism when I was a teenager, but then I kind of just went away, 'cause I started eating, like, shit, and, like, exercising as much. That'll do it, man. Yeah, it'll do. But then you try to do the same things you did when you were athletic. Yeah, I feel like you just got to get into, like, that knees-over-toes-type shit, or just kill yourself, man, you know what I mean? It's a dude. There's only two paths. So you either join a CrossFit gym, or, dude, just fucking get diabetes. Like, there's no one between. There really isn't. Mm-hmm. You can't. You can't. It's a tough option, too. It's like-- You got to play to the sides. You can't, you know, stay in the middle. Geographically, depending on, like, where you are in the country, too. Like, join a CrossFit gym could change your life forever, man. I think, like, yeah, that's why it's hard, 'cause in New York, you can't fucking get jacked for shit, because a gym's, like, $5,000, or it's, like, $1, and you're, like, working out with, like, guys that are built, like, a fucking pit bull. Yeah. And they yell at you for using this myth machine. Yeah. Yeah. CrossFit gyms around here, though, even, like, the-- There's not, like, a lot of pussy per capita here. Mm-hmm. But I've driven by a CrossFit gym down the road, man. And I've never seen, like, so much sweat, and, like, labia in the same area. Unless, like, we're talking about, like, maybe, like, massage envy. Yeah. It's crazy, bro. It's, like, a pussy convention, dude. Yeah, we gotta get you some raw pussy tonight. I got a spot at the stand. You want to go try to get some raw pussy at the stand? I'll corral in a girl for you. But do you know what I'm saying, though, right? I know what you're saying. But the fact that you're sensitized to that shit, 'cause I've shot that part of my brain off, I'm almost, like, you know, like-- Oh, like, the fish market type shit? Yeah, like, you know, like, in Spider-Man 2, when he, like, throws his fucking costume in the trash and, like, doesn't have his powers anymore. Yeah. That's what I'm, like, with, like, being, like, a poon hound these days. So, like, I'm, like, kind of blinded to that. Oh, dude, I'm not getting it, though. I'm just talking about it. No, but I think-- Kind of like a politician when it comes to pussy. But that's how you get as you tell-- You lay out the game plan around manifesting it? I think you're, yeah, you're man-abresting it. Yeah. I wish, dude. I think I'm just doing drive-by. It's kind of, like, end-of-watch type shit to, like, a fish market, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. You're, like, not even going after, like, conventional women anymore. You're just trying to get, like, a Chinese lady, like, with a cleaver in her hand, and, like, chopping off fish heads and trying to get her to give you some head. Oh, dude, I'm little-- I'm fucking, like, finger-banging, and, like, a rotisserie chicken, dude. All right, no, not here. We moved on. But I'm spending, like, three years, like, manifesting it, like, drawing charts and shit. Yeah. In my fucking Honda Accord. That's kind of beautiful. Yeah, just listening to, like, fucking CCR, dude. And then, one day, I finally go in there, dude. Just absolutely, like, my fucking fingers cramp up. Yeah. Like, the SWAT team rolls in. Oh, no. You know? For, like-- Your goodness, son, plays in the background, like, getting fucking pressed up against the deli meats. Yeah. Yeah. I, like, kind of like it, though. Yeah, you get bored. And they, like, back off for a second. They have to, like, phase you unconscious because you keep getting hard. Yeah, dude. Uh, not a bad way to go out, man. Yeah. That'd be really funny if, like, you know, like, how sometimes when, like, guys are, like, leaving the courthouse and they have, like, the chain that attaches to their, like, from their handcuffs to their, like, feet cuffs? Yeah. It's, like, one of those. But the other one attaches to your dick. [LAUGHS] Dude, just, like, walking with the heart. [LAUGHS] Dude, can I ask you something, though? Yeah, what's up? Like, man to man, bro. Man to man, what's up, player? Have you ever, like, seen, have you ever, like, been to the, like, rotisserie chicken section at a supermarket and, like, thought about sticking your dick in there? I want to say yes because that would be the funny answer, but no. Yeah. I was just trying to, like, feel you out, man. See if, like-- No, I've never thought-- I don't really-- What about, like, chicken breasts in general? Like, the, they're, like, kind of raw. You never thought about, like, making love to that section of the supermarket? No, I feel like I'm such, like, a germaphobe. Like, even if there's, like, a really voluptuous chicken, I'd be thinking about the Salmonella, you know. Wow, man. Yeah, but, like, if you get me around a bunch of kids, you know, I'm just kidding. [LAUGHS] Yeah, no, I feel you, dude. Yeah, but no, I'm trying to think if I've ever gotten, like, horny for something that's, like, amorphous or just, like, just a, you know, a piece of food or an object. Trying to think. Yeah, I feel like maybe you probably have, dude, but maybe you just, like, don't want to-- No, I'm trying to think. Like, maybe, like, even if, like, it was, like, a couch cushion or something. I think, like, no. But one time, like, I was-- I thought I was spooning my girlfriend, and I was, like, spooning my dog, and my dick got a little hard, and I was a little weird, and then I was, like, kind of dark in the room. Yeah, I was, like, it was, like, four in the morning, and then, like, I was, like, wait, why is it? Why is my girlfriend hairy? And I was, like, I fucking get off, and then, like, I pushed him out of the bed, and then, like, 'cause he got-- Was he digging it, or no? I don't think-- he was just curled up in a ball. It was more, like, I don't know. It was, like, if you-- I don't even really, kind of, fully remember, 'cause it was, like, in the middle of the night. But I just remember thinking, like, waking up thinking. I was, like, about to cuddle my girlfriend and be, like, aw, that's-- And then just got soft immediately after figuring out it was my dog. But it shows that you can trick a man into being horny for anything if he doesn't know what he's being-- Yeah, he doesn't know what's behind the wall. Yeah. The wall at Cox, dude. Yeah. I think about that sometimes. Good veil of mystery. Yeah, you used to have a moped, dude, and it would go, like, 30 miles an hour. Okay. I saw one of my buddies, man. He was fishing on this, like, uh, this road where there's, like, a reservoir, and I kind of, like, drove by, and, uh, he needed a ride. And I was, like, you can hop on the back, man, if you want. And I'm not gonna lie, dude, like, the whole ride. I was just, like, dude, like, don't get hard right now. Yeah. 'Cause it was, like, the wind was kind of blowing, like, nice. It was, like, a fall day, man. I think we were going, like, 30 miles an hour. So we were going, like, max speed. And there was, like, a lot of foliage around, and I was, like, dude, if you get hard right now, like, it's over. You know what I mean? Damn. That is, yeah. But it kind of, like, made me think, like, if I didn't know who was on the back, you know, like, would I be fucking boned up? You know? 'Cause if, like, if that happened-- Like, dude, if you get hard in that situation, I feel, like, best option is to just drive into, like, a fucking tree full speed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, whiskey bottles, brand new car, dude. And that oak tree's in my way. And I'm like, this fuck, yeah. Yeah, just throwing some sinner and fucking-- You know, funny of a movie, that would be-- Oh, that would be awesome. [LAUGHING] That'd be okay. Like, a second, three minute, like, short clip. Yeah. It would be, like, one of those things that, like, Ari Aster made in, like, film school. Yeah. It would be, like, one of those things that just doesn't make it, 'cause it's just, like, too much. Yeah. I mean, I don't know, there's-- You can get out a lot of stuff. Like, the fucking Ari Aster guy, he did have a film in, like, grad school. I guess he went to, like, I don't know if he went to NYU-- But who's Ari Aster? He's the guy that did hereditary, and, like, some of those, like, new horror movies and, like, bows, frayed, you know? Like, stuff that, like, fucking guys that dress, like, me talk about to sound smart. But it's like, you know, he's a good director. It's hereditary, like, fucking-- Is it, like, some sort of, like, human centipede-type shit? It sounds like, no, but it's more of, like, like, a body horror, like, I guess, but not in the same way as human centipedes, but, like, it, like, deals with mysticism. Mm-hmm. And, um-- Is that an anal? --which, grad? Is that an anal? No, but, like, a girl, like, has a peanut allergy, and she, like, starts to go into anaphylactic shock, and her brother's, like, driving her to the hospital, and she sticks her head out the window, and just, her head just fucking flies clean off, and dies, and, like, the mom's pissed. The mom is pissed, and then her son got the girl killed. Let's just say she's not having it. Yeah. Uh, and, you know, the whole movie kind of delves around, just, like, the whole family structure breaking down after that, and people kind of losing their minds. Yeah. So it's a lot of psychological elements, but the first movie he did in film school was about, like, this, like, black family. It's cool. Like, meet the Johnsons or something like that. And it, like, starts with, like, this little case, like, 13, and he's like, jacking off in his room. He's, like, jacking his little ween. Yeah. And he's, like, looking at, like, a picture of jacking off. His dad comes in, and his dad's, like-- Oh. --and the kind of understands the gravity. It's pretty cool about it. Understands the gravity of it, and he's, like, I'm sorry. And his-- and his mind is, like, my son's growing up. And then you didn't panze, and you see that he's jacking off to a picture of his dad. And, like, it, like, escalates to where, like, you start seeing them grow up through the years, and the sun is, like, becomes bigger than the dad. And you kind of, like, get the impression that the sun is, like, sexually abusing and raping his father. And it gets to the point where the sun graduates and has a family of his own. And, like, while they're, like, at his parents' house-- Yeah. --his, uh, I can't remember how it ends, because I just had to kind of tune out after this point. I kind of hit my wall. And the fact that this isn't even a white family, it's a black family that he got, like, black actors who agree to this, where it's, like-- So you don't remember how it ended? He, like, drops a plate, intentionally, while doing dishes, and, like, to kind of get him alone with his dad, and his, like, the mom and his wife, like, leave, and his dad's, just, like, no, no. And he rapes his dad. I think he fucks his dad to death, maybe. Oh, shit. Yeah. And it sounded like the movie ends. It's, like, a-- it's a short film, but-- Yeah. --it was, uh, it was a lot, and it was just-- I, like, maybe this is, like, revealing my own ignorance, but, like, I feel like white people in an art have, like, less of a threshold of self-respect, whereas, like, black people will say no to things. Yeah. And that's just a thing I would have thought unequivocally. I know, like, people are-- no race is a monolith, but I would think, in my-- every black person I knew and acting would say no to that movie. [LAUGHTER] But-- How old was the movie? Like, when was it made? It was probably made in, like, the 2010s, like, when he was in college. All right. Some movies were still kind of, like, pumping. Kind of. Every once in a while, they put out a banger that kind of, you know, zigs when you think it's going to zag, but-- Because movies nowadays, man, they're fucking ass. You know? Yeah, like, what are movies that you've been watching? Anything on Netflix, really, man. That's, like, kind of trending. Yeah, the straight to Netflix movies have kind of been dooky balls. Yeah, they got, like, a new movie now. It's called, like, Uglies. I watch, like, 15 minutes of it. It's, like, with that dude from fucking Outer Banks, who looks like fucking Brad Pitt's dick. And, like, just the fact that he's in a movie called Uglies is fucking retarded, dude. You know? It's like, if you're going to make a movie called Uglies, like, put someone named fucking Olga in there and just, like, you know? Yeah, they keep getting a lot of untalented people breaking into the industry, 'cause I think we have, like, this generation, finally, like, 'cause film has only been around for so long. We're, like, the kind of the retards of the successful socialites of Hollywood that are growing up, like, their children that are kind of not as talented. And they're kind of taking up all the jobs, where it's like, I feel like they used to just find all of our best actors, like, fucking, you know, either they were child actors or they just found, like, I was like, oh, yeah, we were working on a film and we found Matthew McConaughey in, like, a fucking tire shop. And we're like, I like this guy's vibe. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, they used to find people where it's like, now it feels like everything's so incestuous that it's kind of... Yeah, they're all just gay. They're all gay, nepotistic hires, and, you know? Yeah. They just don't, they don't fucking have the swag we do. Yeah, but, like, a lot of dudes are coming out, like, not out of the closet, but they're just kind of like, some of the old, the old OGs, man. They're like, you know, Hollywood sucks, man. Because it kind of does. In some ways, it does. In some ways, I feel like they're being sour, sour pusses. Yeah. Or it's like, I went and watched Megalopolis, and it's just like, the Francis IV is fucking... It was, I think maybe the movie should have been four hours long, so it could make sense. But like, it was just an all over the place. It felt like they let a guy with dementia make the film. Uh-huh. And it's like, you know, that's the guy that did Apocalypse Now, and like, the godfather. But I just think, like, in general, like, whether it's stand-up or like, movies and shit, they just have a lot of old heads that like, have this kind of invisible tenure that doesn't actually exist, but we like, passively treat it like it's real. Yeah. So like, you know, like, Jim Norton goes up and does a bit, you'd hear it in open mic, and everybody's like, "Isn't that so genius?" And you're like, "No, I think he's just old, and he should just kind of find something else to do." Yeah. No offense, you know. Everybody has their time in the sun. I think it's about taking risks, you know, not being like, generic. Yeah. Because like, when you watch a movie, especially nowadays, man, you know, like, there's that movie, what is it called? What's that movie where they fucking, the first scene, dude, it's just them rolling up to like an abandoned gas station and just shooting it up with like, thousands of rounds of ammunition. I think that just might have been some of them in the news. I think that just might have been Sunnyside. All right, no, I don't know. What was the news in that? The dude from 300's in it. Gerard Butler. Is that his name? He's the guy that plays Leonidas. I think so, yeah. Yeah, he's in it. Okay, was this a recent movie? Or was this an older movie? Yeah, it might be like maybe, no more than 10 years old. Yeah, I can't remember, man, but it's just like the first scene, like you're like laughing your ass off, because it's like, holy shit, dude. You know, just ammo flying everywhere. It's just like this huge gunfight. That's crazy. You're like, there's no fucking way. This is the first scene of a movie. You know what I mean? It's almost like driving through a house. It's a wild, cold open. Yeah, because I feel like if I ever made a movie, that's what I would do. Just to like really get people's attention. Yeah. I feel like you'd get a lot of people's attention, but you'd also get like at least 10 people just walking out of the theater. People do that with fucking, you know? They like-- Oh, really? Yeah, like some scenes will open in a movie, and the opening scene is like somebody getting fucked, and it's just like, whoa, it's a fucking risky movie here. Some ladies getting fucking taken to Pound Town. Yeah. This movie's not going to be pulling any punches. Yeah. And that's sort of like a cheap way to do it. Irene, I remember my dad said when he was like 20, he took my grandma to go see my dinner with Andre, which is like the wall of Sean and Andre the Giant, and like the whole movie is them getting on the train in New York and then just having dinner, and they don't leave the table. The whole movie and film takes place at them at the dinner table, I'm pretty sure. And my grandma thought that somehow my dad like was just pulling the best prank of all time on her, and that he made this movie, and then it wasn't a real movie. And she got pissed off and left the movie theater, and he just watched the rest of the movie by himself. Yeah. It's hilarious, too. If you were going to like make a film, like what do you, would you kind of make it like the black film you described here? The black film. Yeah, that's what we're calling it. The black film. Well, the film-- I'd make barber shop five. Okay. Even if there's a fourth one. Really? There's three. I think there's a fourth one. No, I would maybe make a, I don't know, I would like want to make a fucking, like a serial killer movie or something like that. Okay, because you kind of remind me of like, you ever seen the league? The fantasy football. Yeah. And then Steve Ren is easy. Yeah, yeah. I've seen a couple episodes. Yeah, so like Steve Ren is easy, he's wife in that. Yeah. Is in real life married to the other dude, like the generic guy, I forgot his name. And-- What guy or is he the Greek guy? Jason Mizukas is also him that I think. Yeah, it's not Jason. Jason plays Raffi and he screams like-- Yeah, he has a vision voice. When I should, I come. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, so Steve Ren is easy, he's wife. And that in real life is married to like, one of like the main characters, just like a normal, he's like the most normal character. But I guess they make movies that are like fucking weird, man. And not weird in like, not like horror, like fucking type weird, it's just like one of those movies where like the oceans, like a boner and like-- Oh, that's cool. People are like, you know, like jerking each other off during like a lunar eclipse. Oh, that's pretty cool. Like then like a fucking oil rig blows up and like by the end of the movie, like the whole meaning of the whole movie was about like equality and shit. You're like, holy fuck. Yeah, that's too fucking highfalutin' concept for my gay ass. But yeah, I respect it. I'm just saying it's out there, man. It is. I think you need like a specific-- I like the way Jim Jermouche does stuff. Do you know who that guy is? No. He's like this guy, he's like a director that's been around for a while, but he'll just like blow all of his budget on the casting. Uh-huh. And then there won't be like hardly any budget left for the rest of the film. So it's these like almost like very minimal, small-scale like location shot films, but with like really like, you know, cool actors. And like you do this one called Mystery Train. Does a movie or like a short film? It's a full-length movie. And Mystery Train's just about like all these people in fucking Memphis, Tennessee. It starts out with these like this Japanese couple that doesn't speak any English. And they just want to go see like Elvis and like, different fucking blues icon. It's like, you know, stomping rounds in Memphis. And then this one with like a fucking like a British guy that wants to kill himself and Steve Buscemi's his brother. And then there's this Italian lady who's like husband, rich husband, died while they were like in a layover in Memphis. So now she has to like wait a night so they can like, uh, I guess, you know, a mortician can work on the body. And they can fly him back to Italy. And it's just the movie goes nowhere. It just kind of shows how all of their events of their night kind of connect to each other. But it's great. And it's like realistic. It's realistic. And it ends with like Steve Buscemi getting shot in the fucking leg, trying to keep this British guy from killing himself. Yeah. And they got to take him to like a hospital. And yeah, that's fucking sick, man. Because that's the way to go. I feel like it's like realistic films. That's what I'm into now. Because I spent most of my, my young years watching like a hallmark movies. Oh, yeah. Where it would be like a dude like in high school, like eating crayons. Were you like stuck at your grandma's house or something? Because I watched a lot of hallmark movies when my grandma watched me. No, I had a, I was sisters a year older. So we would watch kind of like lifetime movies and like hallmark movies. Oh, yeah. Where it's like, uh, it's like some dude who has like, uh, he's like eating crayons in class with like a boner. And then like, there's like another dude who's in a relationship with like the hottest chicken school when he's like throwing haymakers at her in the parking lot. And that dude just like runs over and fucking like saves the day. And then like takes the girl and like they go to like a diner and start making out. Yeah. And I always thought like in my head, like that would come to like fruition in my life. Yeah. And I slowly realized that it's, you know, unrealistic. And, uh, so now I'm more into like realistic films where it's like that kid in real life, gets the fucking shit kicked out of him and then he opens up like his own tech company. Maybe comes sort of like a Elon Musk type guy. Yeah. It's just like out to get people now. Yeah. That's the thing that movies never quite like captured, uh, with like bullies. Like the, at least with the coming of age high school movies is like the, the altercation always ends before the like the, the nerd kid overextends himself or whatever. Or like does something that's, that's what it would happen. It would either like it would be like a kid either doing something that you'd see in one of those movies. And it just sounds so cheesy and stupid in real life. Everybody's like, no sympathy for him whatsoever. Yeah. You're like calling a girl at princess. Yeah. And he's, you know, he's like doing like trying to do like fucking, you know, jujitsu, kyzen moves on the fucking bully. Yeah. Or like, you know, you had, and back in my day, you have the fucking kid who like, we get called gay and then he would just tell you what the definition of gay was. Yeah. And you'd be like, oh, yeah, fucking get him. I don't like, I don't care anymore. I was on your, his side until you, he said that. Now I'm kind of like, maybe bullies are part of an ecosystem and we can interfere with that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man, I wish I knew earlier though, because if you watch too many of those, man, it's like, takes over your mind. You just keep crying, dude. You're like, dude, I'm going to get one one day, you know? Oh, yeah. You dude, you're waiting for like a, a thing that's never going to come. Yeah. Still I am, dude, you know. I think you're making moves, you know, you do plan. That would be sick though to like meet a chick at a diner, you know, like you're reading fucking, I don't even know what I'd be reading, dude. Yeah. That'd be funny. You're just like reading like a book, just has like a bunch of dick drawings on it. She like walks by and she's like, well, it's hilarious. Yeah, like, yeah. Thanks. This is how we roll. You guys both get like fucking an awesome one. Yes, you look in your joke book and just all caps, just the Edward completely spelled out across an entire page. And just like, wow, this is like really up on guard and you're like, thanks, I'm racist. You like hops and you're fucking like, oh, five Honda, dude. Oh, peel out in the parking lot. Five Honda Civic record. Probably a Civic. Civic spoiler on the Civic. Yeah, dude, dual exhaust. Yeah, Vietnamese style. Yeah. Yeah, you're Vietnamese guy in the racing game. The time to get in my car and get my pussy. Yeah. I think I'm in park, dude. No, I think I'm in drive and I'm actually in reverse. I do that once with my mom's car. Like I was like peeling into the cross country practice because I had my permit and she was letting me drive and I didn't throw it into her. But I like threw it immediately into park before coming to stop and you can just hear something break in the car and my mom was just like, you're fucking right there. The windows are completely down. I'm just getting like smacked upside the head. In front of all the senior girls, I'm like a sophomore. You probably fucking blew the transmission. Something like that. Yeah. I definitely like fucked something up. She had to go take it to the shop and I didn't really get to drive it until I, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Ever. Screamed at you in front of the titties, though, dude. Unfortunately, the sweet, beautiful angel saw me get fucking put in my place. Yeah. Fuck, dude. My friend. You have to get out of the car and be like, yeah, I usually don't let her talk to me that way. Yeah, usually if you weren't here, I'd probably give her a one, too. Little smack. Yeah. Your mom's like, what was that? Like nothing. Did my, uh, one of my friends had like a really cool mom. Yeah. She wasn't like a mill for anything, but she was pretty cool, man. And we were like 15, dude. I love the disclaimer. Yeah, I wouldn't fuck, but like, I really respected her. Yeah, she, uh, she was wicked cool, man. Great personality, bro. You tell me all I need to hear. Yeah. I think about her a lot, still. Yeah. Um, but dude, one day we were like 15. We were in the stop and shop parking lot. Dude, getting snacks for a sleepover. Yeah. She just gave us money to go buy snacks. So dude, I got like fucking 10 things of Oreos. Like, I was fat as fuck, dude. That's so awesome. And, uh, so we come back in the car and she's like, uh, his name was Joe. She's like, Joe, you want to like, uh, drive a little bit? Because like a parking lot was kind of empty and shit. So like Joe's driving around, dude, like fucking crushing it, dude. Like dude knew what he was doing. And, uh, she kind of felt bad for me. So it was like, John, you want to drive? And I was like, yeah, like, I've never driven before though. And she was like, yeah, I'll show you or whatever. Dude, I get in the fucking car. Literally do I just put my, like my foot on the gas full speed? We hit like two weeks. Do we hit like 45 miles an hour? And then I just slammed on the brake, dude. And her fucking head smashed the dashboard. I think I got like, I gave her like a full on concussion, dude. My head smashed against the fucking steering wheel. And she was just like, what the fuck dude? She was just so confused, man. She didn't give me any directions to do anything. I was just like, let's fucking get it. You know, I saw Talladega nights. You had a fucking let's go. Yeah. You mentioned the cougar in the back. Yeah. I was just trying to make her wet, dude. Damn dude. So you gave her fucking CTE. That's like that Tyreek fucking Hill, the fucking running back for the Miami Dolphins. He invited this like, absolute pog. You know, like thick queen British like Instagram model. She's fat. No, she's like, you know, she's like, what would be for the modeling industry? We considered fat, but like her like cool black guys and dudes who like ass. Like we'll just be like, you know, she's thick. You know, she's just a fucking white lady with a big ass. You know, but you know, natural prey for a fucking successful, you know, multi-millionaire athlete. But he brings her over and like they're running like plays for this like, I guess like, the camp he's running for kids and like she gets into play and it's just kind of supposed to be a fun playing around thing. And she kind of like blows through him and kind of decks him a little bit. Yeah. So next play of the game, he just fucking tanks her and shatters her leg. Holy shit. Like he's got an ongoing active lawsuit against him because he's just fucking could not handle getting decked by a thick queen and just like fucking pile droves. This is all on video. I don't think, no, it wasn't on video. It was just hearsay. This is just what's coming out. I think in depositions, but like it's just like, there's so many like eyewitness accounts of like, yeah, he just fucking floored her to the next play. Damn dude, you just couldn't take it. Just he's been, he's been throwing hands with chicks for a while, isn't he? I think it's like there is like a, yeah, there's an ongoing trend with him. Yeah. I think it's just like, it's like white chicks all the time. So black people still kind of rock with them. Yeah. To my understanding, which is just very funny. It was like, you're honored that the bitch was white. Come on. I wonder what they're not to be like too edgy, but I wonder what those chicks are saying to make these guys start throwing straight up haymakers, you know what I mean? I don't know. I think like, it could vary. They could be just saying some foul shit or just like, just sometimes the act of a woman being able to remember and recollect more things than a man can. Yeah. Really pisses some guys off. I think it's a little jealousy type situation. Well, yeah, just girls will go in an argument with a full clip, whereas like guys, you have like a musket round, you have like one round, and then she'll be like, name another time I did that and you'll be like, fuck, I don't know. They have like a whole history book of shit, like a catalog. They're kind of like Batman, yeah, they just have a full like plan and contingency plan for their plan, you know? Yeah. They're prepared every time they go into an argument, because they're like kind of prepping the argument, whereas guys are just blindsided every time. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. Only, the only thing you can do at that point is start throwing hands. For some men, yeah. For me, I just, I fucking, I sit my white ass down and I say, what can I do? Yeah. To make it better. And then usually they don't have an answer for that. It's like, I don't know, I kind of just wanted to like, kill at you. Yeah. And you're like, okay, do you want to do that? And you're like, yeah, can I just yell at you for a couple of minutes? I'm like, that's fine. That's what makes you feel better. I'm going to be playing PlayStation while you do it. Yeah, fuck yeah, I do. Take that with a grain of salt. I think you're doing the right thing, man. Anything like to avoid throwing hands, you know what I mean? Yeah, I just never, the option has never really occurred to me, because it's just like, I don't know. It's never really, I mean, that would be kind of funny, like don't get me wrong, but like, I've never really, it's never crossed my mind. I get like furious and like, that's not what crossed in my mind. What crossed in my mind is like, what if I just pulled a load of gun out and shot myself in the head in front of this woman and ruined her life forever? Yeah, exactly. That's like the crazy thought I have. It's never like, let me smack this girl. It's like, yeah, let me just blow my brains out in front of her. Yeah, it's like, let me hurt myself. Forever alter her ability to have intimacy with another man. She has trauma for the rest of her life. Yeah, and I'm free. Yeah. But then I chill out. What do I do with my fucking phone, dude? Do you ever think you have a CTE? I've been thinking about that about myself lately. Because I've gotten knocked on the mill in a couple of times. I mean, honestly, man, like, things have been happening throughout my life, where I think I'm just like, schizophrenic and I just haven't found out yet. I kind of feel like I'm gonna, I'm gonna wake up from like a fog one day, and I'm just gonna be like jerking off outside of like a David's bridal. Yeah. Just surrounded by police. The fact that if anything, yeah, your pulls like David's bridal is pulling that out of the back. That is very, yeah, that's uh, you're telling the line. That's what being, I think a good comic is though. It's like, yeah, see how close you can get to schizophrenia without fucking dipping over the line. Yeah, but I mean, it's pretty realistic, man. Like if I was schizophrenic, I feel like that would be a viable option. For sure. You know, would you have to specifically be a David's bridal or was that just what occurred to you? I think so, man. Mentally, that's what I imagine. But like I'm trying to like explain to the officers, like it's Shutter Island. I'm like, no, you don't get it. Like I am a comic. I'm the detective. Yeah. I'm actually on the force. I'm like pointing at the manager. I'm like, that's my fucking boy. Yeah. He's just like, what the fuck dude? Yeah, you know, that would be scarring though. It would be cool to be like the Beetlejuice, but for a comedy club. Yeah. Yeah, where you're just like the guy they bring out. I guess it's what Pepe has forgotten. I think that's I mean, honest, I mean, I'm trying to be depressing. But it really is a kind of what we are. Is Beetlejuice? Yeah. Yeah. Like we're just like like fucking puppets, you know what I mean? Yeah, I'm trying to be Beetlejuice for somebody like Tim Dillon or somebody that can at least pay for stuff though. Yeah. I don't mind being a little puppet for a fucking richer comic. Like holding someone's pocket. Yeah, no, no, I missed me with that dude. Just because I named a rich gay guy doesn't mean I'm trying to fucking hold somebody. Yeah. How do you not know what pause is? But you know, hold somebody's pocket. That's like a deeper black guy fucking lore and vernacular. Just dropping some knowledge. Yeah, I think you pretend to not know something. Then you know exactly what some things are. Yeah. Making me think you don't know pause. Then you're like, yeah, you know, when you hold me as pocket. Like, you know, sagging the pants means you're gay in prison. Shit like that. Yeah. Deep Rikers Island pulls. Shit. Like shit, I would only hear from Derek Drescher. Yeah. No, I know some of them. That's good. We do get phone calls though, man. If you don't mind before you go. Oh, dude, I would love to take a phone call. Are we getting like a live phone call or is it a voicemail? It's a voicemail. Okay. Yeah. Cool with that, man. Hey, man, this is Brent. Pretty much my thing is I love titties, right? Like big titties, big boobs. And which, you know. But I feel like I can't really say that to anybody. And, you know, I'll be on these dating profiles and stuff. And I really want people to know that I like their big boobs. But I feel like if I put that on my profile, it would sort of maybe deter people away. So I really just don't talk about it. And I really honestly, I don't really have a question. I just wanted to say that. I wanted to you to know that just so I could express it to somebody. But I guess what do you feel about that? Do you think I should be afraid to talk about, you know, just liking boobs? Big, big boobs. Yeah, it's got just love titties, man. It sounds like a great idea to share with us. Well, we all know who he's voting for in this election. Yeah, dude. No, but that's okay. I mean, yeah, you can't ever tell girls a thing you physically like about them, because one of two things happens. They get pissed off because they're like, "Oh, you and everybody else, pal." Or they become so hyper fixated on it. Do they kind of wreck themselves trying to maintain this thing they didn't even care about before? It is a good point, though. It's kind of like... Nah, if I can hold your cards to your chest, bro. You can tell who has big titties on the app. Just swipe for them. You ain't got to say a thing. It'll be tacitly acknowledged that that's what you're there for. But you never bring it up. It's like, you know, a girl with big titties is a lot like Israel, not just because Jewish women have big titties all the time, but you really just can't bring it up. You can't talk about it. You can know in your head and your heart what's right and what's going on, but you really just got to kind of dance around the issue. Because, you know, when you bring it up, that's when everybody kind of throws their hands up and be like, "Whoa, what's that mean?" What does that mean? You like big titties and you don't think a little Muslim kid shouldn't be blowing up with bombs. And you're like, "I don't know, I'm just talking. I'm just spitballing here." So yeah, hold it close to your chest. But there's no shame, man. You're a man in this beautiful, free country. He's saying, "Well, we all think all the time, man." 'Cause I've been getting into those golf channels a lot, where it's like women with like triple D's just swinging out of their pants. Yeah. And they're just like ripping ass in their backs. It's such a fat they're in their pants. Yeah, dude. And it's like, "Do these women want me to comment and be like, "Yo, nice beanbags, like nice fat tits, you dumb fucking bitch?" I've always been a more ass motivated guy. Yeah. I mean, that changes at all. I think that has a lot to do with your answer too, man. Yeah. Because you're saying you shouldn't say anything at all. Yeah, I mean, unless you can come up with something super clever. Yeah, yeah. If you can come up with like a line that like people haven't heard before, not a million people are saying on TikTok, you know, and you have something kind of that's reinventing the wheel, but not like breaking it, I would say do that. But like, yeah, just outright saying like-- Like a poet with, you know, if you're a poet with your like, Tet words. I remember I saw a black guy. This is not about this, but this is about ass. I saw a black guy go, "Damn, girl, that ass so fat. I can see it from the front." And then he got her number. Wow. And it's just like, yeah, that is like, nobody thinks about that from that angle and ass. It's so big. You see it before it comes past you. So if you can think of whatever the titty equivalent for that is, I'm a little bit out of my wheelhouse here because I'm more of an ash man myself. But I think then say something. But for the most part, yeah, dude, move in silence. All real hustlers move in silence. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you don't want to leave like a paper trail of you just saying like, yo, nice tits. Yeah. It's too generic, man. There's nothing special about it. Yeah, there's no like a swadda-veve. If he says something like poetic, you know, like if he's like, yeah, I'm in the market for some doorknobs. Not only is there like a deeper meaning to that, but it's like you are saving yourself. You know, nobody has like a paper trail of all your offenses. Like, if you take that decor, you can be like, no. Yeah, like if you tell a girl, like, I would do to breast reduction doctors, what people do to abortion doctors, if you've got your tits taken away, you know, like that's no, why isn't anybody killing those doctors? No one's even going to read that, dude. Yeah, no one's going to read that. Yeah. But no, I mean, your best bet is to just, you know, match with the girls that have some heavy ones and then just say I say something that was in the office or something. I do disagree though, like in terms of like, because like, dude, those chicks with cannons, like they probably want a guy to be like, you know, acknowledge that. Yeah, but you can't lead with that. For sure, yeah. You're talking about like hinge and stuff, like that can't be your first message. Yeah, you know, I think you just needs to ease in and then like do some Edgar Allan poll type shit. Yeah. You know, yeah. But yeah, right off the bat, you can't just be like, you know, nice tits. All right, let's see what else we go, dude. Hey, Johnny, this is, um, Thursday from North Carolina. I've been listening to your shit a little bit. You're a really fun, cool girl. Um, anyways, my question for you is, um, you know, like there's a lot of sensations that feel really good. And, um, I was trying to think of the top, top of them. And, um, right now I'm kind of stuck in between, um, scratching your ear. Like when it's really itchy and like, you just keep on going to town on that ear. Or do you think, um, scratching your balls when they're really itchy feels better. And, um, I'm just really, uh, perplexed. So, um, yeah, let me know. Appreciate it. Mm. This guy's living the dream, man. Yeah, couple of things we're really mad at in life, dude. Couple of things never glaze a man up top. Save that for the end. Yeah. Save the glazing for the end. But yeah, those are good sensations. I would say top sensation might be getting drunk. You know, yeah, there's a really a sensation though. It's a sensation when you fucking sip a beer and have a cigarette after working all day. Yeah. There is a sensation that like, it's like an overwhelming sensation of happiness. But I guess you have to talk about like physical touch sensations. Back to chemistry though, dude. He's talking about like equal and opposite reactions, man, you know? Yeah. Like that feeling of like that itch in your ear, you're like, it's irresistible, you know what I mean? It is. Um, fuck, maybe, yeah, I mean, I would say the balls thing though. I would take it another level, man. I would bring it to toes. You ever got like athletes foot and you get that itch between your toes, dude, and you just can't stop. That's pretty good. You just start itch until you're like bleeding. I get like dead skin on my fingers from like playing music. Pealing that off feels pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Um, I will say, man, like I had a new sensation that I've never felt before recently. Dude, I ate a piece of fried chicken while taking a shit. And dude, I had like goosebumps. Like I'm not even joking, man. It was one of the craziest moments of my life. Get his goosebumps every time. It was, I'm not even joking, man. It was insane. You literally did a cartman. That's like a cartman from the South Park thing. You fucking reloaded as you dispensed ammunition. Yeah. Like dude, I was literally, shit was coming out of my ass while I was eating the fried chicken, dude. Like it felt so bad, but so good at the same time. You know what I mean? I mean, oh man, I've never done that. I know you're judging me right now, dude, but like. No, I mean, there's like, from a fucking, if we want to get scientific about it, dude, eating is very satisfying, but you're also like kind of like exercising your prostate in the process. And that's the fucking bust muscle. So in a way, you're now creating almost maybe a sexual association with fried chicken. Yeah, I think. Next thing you need to do is the next time you're nuts, deep in the bitches, you need to fucking pull out a chicken wing. Yeah. And munch on that. Well, that's, I think that's why I got goosebumps, man, because it's all like greasy and shit. And it's kind of like a messy food to eat, but it's like really good. You know what I mean? So I just felt dangerous, dude. That's how I would just, I felt dangerous, man. What's up, danger? I can say, dude. Yeah. It's kind of like when you're like, crossing like a, like a boardwalk or something. And you know, there's a chance you might fall in. You know? I used to do some like that. I guess with being late at, you know, high school, or the principal would shut the gate at like eight on one. And I would zoom in at eight. And as he's like shutting it, because he's like, got a pull up close, I would zoom past him as he's shutting it. Oh, shit. Kind of like any kind of get me a look in it. Yeah. You just kind of hit him with the fucking, the, the, that drug. Yeah. You just go, you felt dangerous, though. Did you get goosebumps when that shit went down? Yeah, I felt like Indiana Jones, that shit was cool. Yeah, like a fucking sorcerer, dude. Yeah. Fuck, man. A little bit. I feel like people like, as they get older, though, those things don't really, I don't think about that much, man. Those sensations. People become numb to pleasure. Yeah. And you just experience everything so long over the course of your life that, you know, everything loses kind of the value that you give to it intrinsically. Yeah. And that's the shame. It's, this is what Dorian Gray's about, man. You know, you just, you fucking, you bust do hard, fuck too fast, you know, eventually, eventually that stuff stops meaning anything to you. Which is why you got to save it a little moments. Yeah, take chances, man. Like you fucking fried chicken while you're taking a shit, dude. Yeah, step out of your comfort zone so you can experience the new thing. Yeah. I know, I know a few people who have jerked off while taking a shit, dude. That is dangerous. Like even thinking about that's next level, you know what I mean? Just, yeah, like physically and logistically, that just seems like such an undertaking. Not only accomplishing that task, dude, but sharing it afterwards. Those are two journeys. Yeah, like spreading a gospel, almost like it's prophetic. Yeah, you know, you're walking through the desert and leading the blind. Yeah, you're basically telling everyone the bridges are coming before anyone knows. Shit, yeah, you are. You know, it's true. But yeah, that's two journeys in itself. Like completing that task behind closed doors or open doors like wherever you are, dude. And then like having the audacity and the courage to just tell everyone what you accomplished. It's fucking wild, man. Just got spread the news, man. Got to tell people a good word. Yeah. All right, brother. Appreciate for coming, man. Dude, that's good to meet you, bro. Yeah. Anything you want to share with the people, dude, you know? Shit, man. I'm trying to thank you and Keene New Hampshire on October 12th. Going out there. I'm going to be going out there. I'm going to be doing an hour. If you're in Astoria or like Queens, that area on November 4th, day before the election, I'm going to be doing a little thing at Grow 34, which is a comedy club out there. You'll be doing an hour trying to tape some of it. Put a little thing out. Just burn some old material, you know, that stuff. God, it's good to do it. And you know, if you're like, if you've shat while you jerked off, message me. Message me so my girlfriend can see. See that these are the DMs I'm getting, that it's not other girls. Damn, maybe you want to have sex. It's guys being like, yo, you ever jerked off this style? Me saying, not yet, brother, but there's always a chance. I'm not dead yet. And you know, there's a kind of beauty to that, I guess. But yeah, you know, freaking keep tuning into the podcast, you know, support the podcast. And that's about it. That's all I got to say. God is good, dude. Appreciate it for coming in.