Let's Get Fired
54- Robbie "The Fire" Bernstein
- Thanks for tuning in to another episode of Let's Get Fired. If you have any questions you want us to ask our guests or have any crazy work stories you want to share with us, go ahead and email them to us at Let's Get Fired podcast@gmail.com. Again, that's Let's Get Fired podcast@gmail.com. Let's get into it. - I'm better at this than anyone else, and I already turned the tables on you guys. - If there was a country you could nuke off the face of the earth, which would it be? - Do you normally cry in life? Do you have moments at home where you're sad and it brings you to tears? - If we hire this Jew, he might replace us. (upbeat music) - Why does he get the high chair? - I mean, if you want, I'll say something. - I'll say something, I'll say something. - I'll say something, I'm comfortable. I'm very comfortable. I like the soft cushion. - You're having a good time. - Yeah. - I'm gonna have to lean. - I'll just, are you-- - No, you're in frame. - Yeah, you're in frame. - Yeah, we're all here. - I'll do those up here. - Yeah, dude. - My butthole can't handle harsh plastic. - I need to be tampered. - I need a soft cushion on my rectum. - Yeah, man. I'm with you. I feel the same with like air pods, like the hard plastic ones. - Yeah. - Can't do it. - It's like 34 in the hemorrhoids hit. - Oh, dude. I went through hemorrhoids city at like 28, so-- - Really? That's too young. - Has it happened? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, it's gonna be-- - You know how I had a suppository? - Oh, no, my dad put one in my ass when I was like 10. - That makes sense. (laughing) - Yeah, that's a good dad. - Always good, and it wall brings parking lot. - That makes sense, too. - It's kind of the moment when I realized that I don't think I believed in God. - When your dad wrapped you in a wall-glass parking lot. (laughing) - I was like, I don't have to just hold more when things, real, but yeah, that was a, that was a-- - 'Cause he kept being like, I'll give you a blessing and I'll cure your sickness. And I was like, okay. - What was wrong with you? - I was just, I don't know, I was just sick. I was just like, probably like the flu or something. - And your dad felt like fingering your ass so it would cure it? - Not yet. So he put his hands on my head first, gave me a blessing, that didn't work. - Okay. - And he was like, let's go to Walgreens and then put a pill at my ass. - And what, there are no pills that go up assholes. - It's a suppository. - Suppository of what? Your dad being interested in your asshole? - Guess so, I guess that's why I believe you have to believe that now. - That explains a lot. - It was a pill, it was a pill. - That explains a lot. - The more you talk about it, like your childhood. - There's no pills that go up your ass. - Yeah, it's a positories. - Yeah. - What was wrong with you? - I don't, I don't, I was a long time ago. - It was just a super sick. I don't know exactly what it was. - I like how you blocked out the wrong part of the memory. (laughing) - It's supposed to block out the getting raped part. Not the being what I was sick with. - I hold on to that part, 'cause I knew I'm like, one day I'll have some, this is some content. - Okay. - You knew it. - Yeah, yeah. - How old were you when your dad fingered your asshole? - Probably like 10 or 12. - Your 10, you don't even know. - Don't know. - 'Cause 12 is way worse. 10 is like, you're still a little boy. 12 is, you're nearly a bar mitzvaht. - What is it, worse is it worse to be, so worse to be fingered as 10 or 12? I don't, yeah. - I don't know, 12, at least your butthole's a little looser. - True. - You know, you've cranked out more turds. - A little wider. - You've had two more year, you're a little bit more of a boy, you know? You got a wider rectum. - True. - 10 year old, that's a real tight butthole. - Yeah, so, and dude, I can remember, it's a clear memory in my mind of when it went up there. - I'm sorry to hijack your podcast. I don't know what you guys normally do here. - It needs to be hijacked. - I don't know whether it's not stories of fingering rectums, but, okay, did your dad spit on his finger first? Like, what was, like, what are you? You get outside of the Walgreens, and he's like, son, I've got your anal pill. - Yeah. - Now, it's suspicious that there was only one. - Yeah. - Usually medicine, it's a protocol of a couple of days. It's very rare that it's just a one and done. So, this was a real magical pill that your dad inserted once. - It was only one time. - Yeah, that also doesn't make sense. I'm just saying the things that don't make sense. Usually, there's a protocol with medicine, and it's never just one. - Yeah. - Okay? - Maybe that's 'cause, like, even Z packs for strep, it's five, but maybe it's 'cause it's oral, maybe up the rectum, it's always, like, that effective. Fine. You go into Walgreens. You purchase medicine. - Yes. - Now, why was it so urgent that it had to be done in the parking lot? - I got that. Did I ever really thought about this? - Was it in the Honda Odyssey? - No, dude. It was in a camera call we were driving at the time, but did he open up the doors, like, changing at the beach so, like, no one else could see? - No, it was just, like, I was in the passenger seat, and I just flipped around, popped it up there. One time, only one time, but yeah, in the parking lot. Like, I've never even thought about why it had to be in the parking lot before. - How much of an emergency was this? - I don't know. - And why couldn't he trust you to shove it up your own ass? - Ah, I mean, yeah, I mean, I guess, that makes me feel like you weren't 12. - I do this a lot. - You can trust a 12-year-old with shoving something up their own ass. - I mean, yeah, that's true. - You know what? - But I say we call your dad. (laughing) - I say we will come up on this Sunday. - Yeah, just a quick question. - Yeah. - You're about to tell me to shove a pill in my ass. Was that a pill or your finger? - But, yeah, was he weird about like, son? I don't wanna do this. I'm sorry that we have to do this. - He's like, that was like, I'm sorry we have to do this, but I was like, I was really nervous. I was like, I don't wanna do this. He's like, I'll be super fast. I was like, I don't wanna do this. And then, yeah, just like, it was quick. We'll give him that, it was fast, but like-- - You know what I've learned? - Yeah. - Your dad's good at wringing people. (laughing) He even had like the speech that like, listen, it's gonna be quick, I'll be gentle. I know what I'm doing. - I've got him right where I'm going. - I'm totally normal. - He would got him in the bargains parking lot, my hunting ground. - How active is your dad on the church and was he ever around a choir boy? - Oh, man, well, he's, I mean, he's still in the church, but we don't have choir boys in the Mormon church. We've got young men. - They're just, they're called-- - They called the young men. - They called the young men. - Boys aged 12 to 18 are called young men. - And there's like different tiers. There's like-- - Young men? - 12 to 14, you're a deacon. - Deacon? - Deacon. - Yeah, and then it's like 14 to 16, you're a teacher. - Okay. - So they call it, and then 16 to 18, you're a priest. And then from there, you become like a high priest or whatever, but yeah, so there's a whole system and there's always like young men's leaders. - Do you still go to church at all? Like you involved with it, and you are? - My wife goes to BYU. - Okay, what's that? - It's a Mormon-- - It's the Mormon-- - It's the Mormon-- - It's the Mormon-- - University. - It's like-- - You're an order dame. - Your wife's still in school? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's 27 in college. - Is she dumb? - Yeah, well, so-- (laughing) - That's fair. - No, she went to school at 18, like a normal person, and then took a few years off to do that. Nothing, 'cause she didn't know what she wanted to do with her life. - Okay. - So she was going to school up in Washington state, and she was in the Army ROTC, and then she started dating me, and then I was like super libertarian. I was like, you don't want to sell your soul to the government. - Right. - And then, so like a week before, she was gonna sign her contract, I talked her out of it, and then she didn't, and this, we were still like dating, like we're six months like dating at this point. And then the school was like, well, your scholarship was dependent on you being in the Army, and then so she was out of school tuition. - I like how he was now fingering his asshole. - I was like, wasn't it right here? (laughing) - Nope, yeah, I don't. - But yeah, the intuition of that school is like 30K a year, and she's like, that's a scam. And now, BYU, it's like 3000. It's like almost community college pricing. - Right, right. - Now, you have to know some things about is why she is from Philadelphia. - Okay. - And she has a pretty fucking insane upbringing where she's like, she's kind of good to believe anything. Like, we did her parents grow up on Kensington Street? - Yeah, yeah, our family's from Kensington. - So she's like, it's like, I don't know. - And then she doesn't know either one of her biological parents, like, she was raised by her grandpa and her grandma, and they're like, extras from the Rocky movies. And her grandma's not even her real grandma. It's like her grandpa's second wife. And like her grandma, who they made her call mom and dad back then, which is even crazier, let her first husband on fire. - They're fun. - Yeah, they're fun. - Yeah, there are fun people. They're like, real Philly. Like, if you watch like-- - That's not real Philly. Hey, grandma, let it dude on fire. It's just Philly shit. That's what we do in Philly. - No, no, I was a west coaster. - Go bird. - I'm meeting my in-laws for the first time. Oh, I was like, that's just Philadelphia. - That's actually growing up in Utah. I'm like, oh my God. Like, we just, it all seems like folklore, anything that happens on these coasts. Like, these are real people. Like, when I was like, first time I ever listened to the fucking R.U. Garbage, I thought there were cartoon characters. I didn't realize they were actual human beings. Like, that's like, we're still used to just like, no emotion out here. And like, no characters. Everyone just likes drinking Diet Coke. - Right. - And like, that's, it's like, so for us, very exciting. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - So, this podcast, there's no way you know based off what we're talking about. This is a called, it's called Let's Get Fired. It's a job interview. - Okay. - We decide if we would hire you or not. - Oh, you would hire me for anything. - Oh, yeah. - I can pass any job interview, no problem. - No, I like, 'cause we talk about like, going up at your job history. - Yeah. - What about education? - Yeah. - I mean, it doesn't matter what job you guys are looking to hire someone for. I'm qualified for that position. I'm better than the other candidates that you're speaking to. And I will bring a lot of value to this corporation. - So, I already knew that. I already felt that. - Yeah, well, you started talking. - What do you need to get done? I'm here to solve problems for your corporation. - Oh, yeah. - What is it that you guys were looking to accomplish? - I just pierced my soul. - Because you're lucky to have me here with my corporate experience. I can advance your organization. What is it that you were looking to accomplish? - Hell yeah. - Oh, dude. What is our company? - We don't even know what we want to do. - Right now. - You see, I'm not sure if I even want to work for an organization that doesn't know what it's looking to hire for. - Oh, no, no, dude. - This is the opportunity of a lifetime. - You get to help fucking build it, 'cause we're still in the evolution phase. - Am I gonna get equity in this? I mean, if you guys are looking for me to get involved in your startup, I'm not sure if I'm interested without an equity stake. - We'll get you, we'll involve them in the ground floor. It'll be a fucking early adopter. - I'm a little too far along in my career to just beginning involved in startups. So, I'd like to know what is it that you guys are looking to staff? What is it that you're offering me? - All right. No one's ever asked us this before. - I know, 'cause I'm better at this than anyone else. - I know, and I already turned the tables on you guys. - I like this a lot, I like this a lot, dude. - Well, how about this? So, we're gonna keep a little secret for now. You don't fucking get to know yet. This is a fucking interview, dude. What's the first job you ever had? There's about, also, this is gonna be about vibes. What's the first job you ever had? We have to know. - So, I started an organization when I was 14, that I was very passionate about, where I was trying to help children that had been worked by their fathers. - Oh my God, dude. - Because, apparently, there's a lot of children out there who have fathers who came up with random reasons why they thought they needed to finger their children's assholes, and some fathers are so disturbed that they'll even do it in a Walgreens parking lot. - Well, did you have success? - Yeah, there are quite a few people that I've been able to walk through their trauma and help them. (laughing) - Yeah, this is a non-profit called Breakdown the Walgreens. (laughing) - No, I'm about building walls and keeping the immigrants out, so that would be the-- - Dude, come back to me. (laughing) - Shit, dude. - I've worked a pretty wide range of jobs in my comedy career. I've restocked vending machines. That was a fun one. - Hell yeah. - I've done dad entry. I've worked a lot of sales jobs. I've done a pretty wide range of jobs. - Been out there. What's like, how was the vending machine job? Was that pretty easy? Was it more drama involved than we think it would be? - There definitely wasn't drama. - No drama in the vending machine industry. - There wasn't a lot of drama. You know, that was an okay comedy job 'cause you could check out and just listen to whatever you wanted to, so I would listen to a lot of podcasts, but it was also, it was draining. It was long hours, and I had a little bit too much of an ego for it because-- - Yeah. - Dude, Mountain Dew doesn't belong in this. - No, it wasn't that, it was just act as coolers. - No, I couldn't in my head go, "Hey, I'm doing comedy, so it's fine. I work this shit job." I would show up every day like, "I'm too smart to be restocking a vending machine." (laughing) Like, I couldn't just, like, I couldn't do that thing where it's like, "Yeah, I'm just getting through my day to pay my bills and I'm gonna go do comedy shows tonight." - I've kind of felt that, like, my job to do the tires. Like, I'll do a show and I have, like, a great set and I'm at work the next day. - Yeah. - And I'm like, "Oh, they don't know how good I am." Do you know? - It happens to, I'll be, I do, I work valet at this hotel and if people ask me, like, "So outside of that, like, what are you for work? Why do valet?" And then I'm like, "I'm so fast to tell them." Also, I do stand up. (laughing) Also, by the way, I do that. And they're like, "Really?" I'm like, "Yeah." Like, "Do you get paid for that?" Like, "Well, you know, not always." - Not always. - It's just like, "I'm so ashamed." - Yeah, it's like a six, no one cares. But I'm so nervous. - Can you park my car and bring it back? - Well, yeah, but I also have an Instagram. - Yeah. - All right. So I've hijacked the podcast. The podcast is you interview people to see how they would be at jobs. - No, that was, this was part of the podcast. - Oh, okay. - Yeah, it was part of it. We're trying to figure out, you know what everyone's doing. - Yeah, it's also personality. - Yeah. - Like, so we want, like, what's like a guilty pleasure song that you have on your phone? Like, it's something that you'll just listen to in the car when you're by yourself, but like, maybe you wouldn't play it with your friends. - 'Cause like, in our office, it's not just like, "Oh, yeah, they're a great worker." You know, in our office that we have yet to determine what it is, it's like, "Are they gonna be fun?" You know? - You wanna make sure someone's bringing good vibes. - Yeah, yeah. - And that they're listening to respectable music. - Or not. - The bad music, it's like, it's so funny that we kinda want them to be around. - Okay. - 'Cause there's one girl who straight up just likes Nickelback and we're like, "That's too much fun." Like, I don't know anyone. She's like, "No, I always like 'em." - So who actually has playlists on their phone? Who is that person? - Well, on Spotify? - I do not have a single playlist. - Wait, what do you get your music? Like, do you use Apple music or do you have, are you Android? - It's got much Apple or Android. - Well, you can have Spotify on iPhone. - Yeah, I mean, Spotify is universal. - I'm Android, and I would say I listen to most of my music just off of YouTube. - YouTube Premium covers it all. - I have YouTube Premium. - Okay. - I will say I think Apple music is better than YouTube music, but I have the YouTube music on my phone, and if I'm not, if I have access to Wi-Fi, I'm just on YouTube listening to music. If I'm on a plane, then I just press shuffle on, whatever it's automatically downloaded, which is mostly just jam band stuff. - Oh, yeah. - Picking jam band stuff. - Fish is not my favorite. You know what, I listen to a lot of widespread panic. - I've heard the name. - Yeah. - Yeah. - You can, I'm more of a deadhead than anything else, but at some point, you've listened to a lot of the dead and you got to branch out from there. Fish is fun. I've been to probably 20 fish concerts. - Would you suck down one of those, like, helium balloon things in here? - Oh, absolutely. - Yeah. - Oh, yeah. - There you do. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, I'll tell you a good balloon story. All right, so firstly, it's laughing gas. It makes you laugh, right? - Yeah. - 'Cause I was once outside of Madison Square Garden. I'd seen fish, I think, on their New Year's run and me and a buddy were double-fisting balloons. Like, literally, you buy them three. They used to be, like, three for five bucks, right? - Oh, my God. - So, and it's the best. - Yeah. - After a concert, that's the first thing you do, is you leave and you buy your balloons and you're huffing down and you want to make it look like you're sucking dicks. That's what you idea, right? - Mm-hmm. - Yeah. - Where you get these giant balloons. Have you ever done nitrous balloons after a concert? - I know, I've never seen a nitrous balloon concert. I know that they do it. - Oh, my God. - I've seen the videos of it, but I've never done it. - So, here's the thing. - I, it's the best drug. It just is, there's no drug that's as good of it. Like, it is the best drug. - Really? - Without question. - I watched a YouTube video about how Kanye is addicted to nitrous. - Oh, yeah, he's been to coppies in the nitrous right now. - That, that's ridiculous. Like, I will do it once a year after a concert. - Yeah. - When you get people who are at that level, it's not... - You're not supposed to do it every day. - Yeah. Okay, so anyways, me and my buddy, we're there double-fisting our balloons and an undercover cop comes and he pulls out his badge. And right when he pulls out his badge, we release the balloons and so they just fly up in the air and we just start laughing in the guy's face 'cause we're on nitrous oxide. And so it's both funny because the evidence is gone. There's nothing he can do. And he's like, where do you guys get these balloons from? And we just laugh in his fucking face. (laughing) - It's perfect crime. - Yeah, my, my best experience though with nitrous balloons was I once saw a fish at Randall's Island and I'm a big fan of leaving a concert early. - Yeah. - I got ADD. - I saw a couple songs. I did it, I danced around. I had my fun, so I waited before the Encore. You're bated. - Wait before the Encore. So I was walking, you had to walk like this. There's a long bridge to Randall's Island. And I was just on that, this is what's great about drugs is that you could just be alone being the world's biggest loser, but you think you're the world's biggest winner. And so I'm just walking the bridge, sucking down nitrous oxide balloons, having to stop and lean against a pole 'cause he can't walk and listening to fish in the background. That was the best, probably the best my life was ever. - Hell fuck it. - Yeah, it does suck sometimes and you're like the best moment of my life. I was like, I'm just-- - I was just all alone on drugs. - Yeah, I did. I'm like, man, all the best moments I was just blasted off in ecstasy. You're like, that's why I was like, people who are willing to ayahuasca, I don't really buy it as much 'cause they're like, I changed my life. And I'm like, okay. But like, what are you gonna do when you're sober? And like, no, I'm just gonna keep doing ayahuasca. I'm like, you have to like figure it out sober though. And I, it's the same thing for me. I'm like, oh, anyways. So I didn't really have a good idea there, but you wanna know about your next, what was the next question you wanna ask for? - Have you ever stolen company property? - No. - I'm big on not stealing. - Okay, that's respectable. - Yeah, that's good. - It's, sometimes it's fun depending what it is. - Yeah. - I think it was still company time. - I mean, you know? - Yes. - That's called having a job. I mean, having a job is about, I mean, here's the thing. I've also had a lot of jobs where I work in sales and you're just, you're making your own money. And as long as you're ahead of quota, people are happy with you. So on those jobs, you're never stealing company time. It's just, do I feel like plugging more sales? But, no, you know what? I'm actually oddly, like when I'm working and I'm in the zone, I'm working. I'm one of those guys. You ever see those people, like they just work and like, I'm like, I wanna just get this done. And I wanna do it well. - Oh, dude. - I'm that kind of person when I'm in a job. - Yeah, at least today, I was on delivery and they're like wanting to take these half hour breaks. And instead of Oregon, I used to live there and they'd like require you to. And I was like, I'd like find a way to work around it. - Right. - And I was like, I don't wanna fucking stop. I would just go head down until it was all done. 'Cause I was like, I feel like I'm just wasting time, otherwise. So I totally get that. You're just like, how can I get it over with? And I'll see people who like they'll clock into a job, like an Amazon job, like you're not done until you've delivered everything. And they'll just like chill for an hour in their van. I'm like, what do you fucking do in the game? - Oh, I'm getting paid. I'm like, they'll pay you 10 hours guaranteed if you finish the route. And they're like, I don't know. So yeah, I don't understand that kind of mindset. We're just like, no, dude, I just wanna hang out at work. - What's that kind of mindset? - Sounds like just plowing through the work, using Adderall showing up to work. - No, no, no. - Here's a done Adderall at work before. - My experience with Adderall, and I like Adderall, there's been times in my life when I've been prescribed Adderall, I find if I get to a point with the job or I feel like I need it, it's time to leave the job. Because I don't wanna daily medicate to get through something. It's literally been my personal indicator for it's time to leave this job is when I get to the point where I'm like, I can't get through my work day unless I'm drugging myself. That to me is the sign for, all right, it's time to move on from this. - It's actually a great way to look at it. We're like, I can't-- - If I need that or up to do this, yeah. - I think that's how all of high school was for me 'cause I was on Adderall in high school. - Oh, that sucks. - And now, as a kid, I didn't understand when I was 14, 15, 'cause my doctor gave this to me. This isn't a drug. But then I think I've sat on the podcast for, by look back, I remember in first and second period, just feeling this warmth in my chest and it's feeling so good. And now as an adult, I was like, oh, I was high. That's what it was. I was high. I was tweaking out the first few hours of school every day. - Dude, I had a friend who would lock the door and he went high school and he'd have these pills of Adderall and he goes, no one's leaving this room until we all take these. And then that guy, that's not much of a threat. - Dude, he's fucking, no, it's not. But he's in Provo, I was like, whoa. That guy, I was in the car with him once. Like two o'clock in the morning, he drives past the cop. The cop turns on his lights. My friend just guns it and then drives into an apartment complex parking lot. There's no exit. We all get out. My friend's in a ghillie suit. - And then what? - Yeah, and like. - What's a ghillie suit? - It's like what's a sniper's where where it's like-- - Oh, okay. - Okay, you've some stuff. - And anyways, we were like freaking out and then we have to confront them. So we walk up to them and then the cop's like, my friend's like, it's my car, I was driving and he's like, I couldn't give less of a fuck. He's like, all right. And then like, just give him a ticket 'cause he parked in a handicap spot. - Your friend's retarded. Why would you walk up to a cop and go, hey, I was the person that was committing that crime. - Dude, we're very, yeah, he is. But-- - When did you talk? - I was like, it was his car. It's like, but it was very fun. And then that guy now, he's like, he was the craziest kid I knew in high school. He's like, just like off the chain. And then now he's like, so straightly. He's like, hi, how are you doing now? Hey, how are you? - I did door-to-door sales job in New Orleans when I-- - Where we sell them? - A home security. - Okay, I mean, people need a new home. - I mean, yeah, we would lie. We'd like go to people-- - Hey, if you see many black people, I mean, they're black people. I can help you out with this. - This is a great story. - But we would like-- - They're not putting this on the internet, right? We would knock on people's doors and then lie and be like, hey, we heard there was a break-in in the neighborhood. And they're like, yeah, there was yesterday, like every time didn't fail. Like, oh, that was just your leading question without doing any research. - We were told there was a break-in in this neighborhood. - That's a good hook. - And every time they're like, yes, there was. And then I'd like sell them. And then I'd like run their credit on my phone without them knowing. - Right. - And then they failed every time. And then like, someone's gonna come by tomorrow for the install and then we never had someone come by. So that was the whole group. - What do you say that the cops showed up once? - I got the cops called on, oh yeah, here's. So I knock on this lady's door. It's like, it's like 50 to 60 years old, like this older black lady. I do my pitch, she just glares at me. Doesn't say a word. And I'm like, all right. And I just walk off and I'm like walking down the road and she follows me. I didn't know she's following me. I'm not paying attention. I walk to a gas station and get some water 'cause it's like New Orleans in August. And then I walk like another like mile and the cops roll up and they're like, hey, what are you doing in this neighborhood? And why are you running away from this lady? And she called the cops on me for being white in a black neighborhood. - That's wild. - And then the cops, which black cops threw me up against the cop car. - Really? - Took everything in my pockets, frisked me. Yeah, dude, it was crazy. I was like, oh, now I know how. (laughing) - They like, then they point to like, like the white neighborhood. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where you should be. - Yeah, no, the cops are like, that's where you'll make money over there. You're not selling anything over here. And then my coworkers are like, dude, I made so much money today selling over here to black people. - Yeah. - That's wild. - Different kind of, different kind of life out. But, oh, with the guys I was working with, I remember one time we were in a hotel, there was just one bed. So the three of us had to share a bed. - Yeah, I had to. - Well, none of us wanted to sleep on the floor. - Yeah, we did. - Guys, we have to. Ah. (laughing) - I only got the one other guy. - Ah, shit, I guess we have to cuddle. I mean, if we're already in the bed together. - I mean, he's already since close. - And then we all took Adderall. But I told them the way I did it at college, which would be-- - Snorted? - If I had to, well, no, no. - I swear it's better if we suck each other's dicks. (laughing) - Yeah, it helps me get in my mouth. - Yeah. (laughing) - We don't have any waters. - Yeah. - I can swallow it that way. - You don't mix this high so much better. (laughing) - Dude, he's like, it rushes to your head so much faster. So trust me, I then put a finger up your ass. - I would use it to wake up, like because if you wake up, set an alarm at like four in the morning and take Adderall, you're gonna be wired by six. - Right. - And so that was our plan. We like set an alarm for five AM, took the Adderall, seven o'clock, we're all waking up at the same time, we're just laying in bed, like staring at each other. And then the one guy was like, I just need to clean the room right now. We just got to clean. That's not a great story. - I thought it was a better story. - Well, I'm just, I'm just still hung up on why you guys had this all sleep in that bed. - 'Cause none of us were gonna sleep on the floor. - I even never slept on the floor, I have no problem sleep on the floor. - I can't sleep on the floor. - Oh my God, dude, you can't sleep on the floor? - No. - I'm honestly surprised. This guy thinks going like the Olive Garden's like, a fancy meal. Anyways, we're not, this is off track of the interview. So, did you go to college? - I did. I got a degree in finance. - Hey. - And like I said, whatever tasks you guys need at this corporation, I'm more than qualified for it. - Mm, right. Finance. Do you control the weather? - I am not one of those Jews. - Okay. - I've met them, but you know, that's, I didn't like that. It's a little, it's too much for me. I don't wanna be ruining people's day. Like, I get it, it needs to rain some days. There's some days you need rain. But I still feel bad where I'm like, I ruin people's day with a rainy day. I don't wanna be that person, you know? - Yeah. - So you didn't wanna be like an earth bender or like-- - No, that's not for me. I don't like that kind of responsibility. Too much work. - It's too much. - All right, that's respectable. You wanna, you're giving people free will. - Yeah. - Okay. - Hell yeah, guys. No, I'm just realized, so when I was living in Oregon, I was like, I don't think there's really any Jews out here. Now it makes sense, 'cause I feel like they're just chucking all that rain out to Pacific Northwest, 'cause it would not stop raining. I'm gonna fucking kill myself out there, dude. I hated it. Oh my God. Yeah, you've been out there? - I've definitely done gigs in the Pacific Northwest, but I've not spent an extended period of time there to go. This ruins my mood. - I've never been in a place where you wake up with raining and go to bed at raining. - Right. - I've never seen that before. I thought it was a fake. And then they're like, no. And then they're like, I actually like it. I love when it rains like this. So yeah, it's a very sad spot. But do you have another, what was the question you had about? - Yeah, my ears have a question. So. - Well, I did have one. - Never mind. It is a question. - No, this is a personality one now. What's the last movie to make you cry? - Not a big cryer. - All right. That's respectful. Neither am I. We're on the same time here. - Yeah. - I just like feel it. - Yeah, no, no. I'm a big college basketball fan. If Gonzaga wins the national championship, I might cry. - Okay. - Like I will drive my truck thinking about them winning a national championship and I'm like, stop. Like can't. - Last time I remember crying a movie, I don't remember, there was some Disney movie where they killed a seal. I remember being a little kid seeing that and being real upset about it. - Did you get right since you were a kid? - No, I mean, I've cried like at a movie, but not in a movie, it's a firm movie. - Yeah. - A movie, TV show or? - No. - No? - If I'm on mushrooms, I might get a good cry out, but outside of that, no, I'm not big on crying. - Damn dude. - I cry, I cry at a random show. - Okay. - All the time during the Olympics, I can't stop crying. - Which? - During the Olympics. - 'Cause there's so much emotion there when they win. - Talking like a real person got fingered by Sam and the asshole. - Dude, I guess that's the difference. My dad never fingered me. - So. - Well, maybe I can just teach you the two of you how to be more autistic and not have to have these human emotions of crying. - I don't know, it's kind of fun. It's kind of fun to tear up, listen into Katy Perry. I don't know why. There you go. - Yeah, it's fun. - Do you ignore, like, I hear this from, do you normally cry in life? Do you have moments at home where you're sad and it brings you to tears? - I don't, it's honestly not for me, not just like kind of normal. It's usually something else like a movie or something like that that kind of almost like-- - How often are you on drugs? - What? - How often are you on drugs when you cry? - I don't cry on Molly. And that's the only drug I'd do. And I drink, I don't know, sometimes I don't want to drink, maybe I'll listen to a song or something like that. But I don't know, but I tear up, it definitely cry like once a week. But like usually just 'cause like something, I think something's really moving, some like music or something. But it's usually, I'm not just like sitting at home and then just like thinking about my life and start crying, which I probably should, but I just normally know. - What about you? How often are you crying? - It's not a cry. - October of last year. - Okay. - Yeah. - And what was it again? - Oh, we'll not get into that, but-- - Oh wait, that's not for the podcast. - We don't wanna talk about your dad. - We'll talk about that. We don't wanna talk about your dad. - We don't wanna talk about your dad. - Yeah, let's not. - I cried when my grandma died. I like my grandma. That was sad. - Yeah, I mean, I cried when my grandpa died. I was, and my grandma, not just one. I don't think I cried when my grandpa died. - It was crazy when my grandpa died a couple of years ago, it didn't cry, but I cried watching Hamilton. So I don't know what that means. - I guess my grandma didn't, 'cause she had Alzheimer's, so it felt like we already lost her. So like it wasn't that sad. - I don't know, it does soften the blow a bit. - Yeah, because that point was like, that's, thank God. - Yeah, well, and also my grandma, she was not a citizen, she was Canadian. - Oh, oh. - Yeah, I know, and then I remember when she first started getting Alzheimer's, and she just forget stuff, and it drove my aunt's crazy. And we need to tell her she doesn't get her shit together. We're gonna deport her to Canada. - Damn. - And so my little grandma with Alzheimer's, they threatened her with deportation if she didn't stop having Alzheimer's. - Wow. - That was fun. - That's some crazy gas light, or just like, I don't even know what they call that, 'cause fucking threat. - Elder abuse? - Yeah, holy shit. - I think that's a story for it. - Stop being sick, stop being sick. - So you ever show up to work under the influence? - Define under the influence. - You know, like drunk, high, mushrooms. - I guess, all right. - The answer is yes and no. So there's never been a job that I've had where, well, no, no, that's not true. I once had a bartending job that you weren't supposed to drink at, and I drank at that job. - Yeah, it's a good way to drink, don't drink. - Yeah, so I drank at that job, and you weren't allowed to drink at that job. I work sales jobs, and I'm mostly responsible for my own book of business. So if I'm out with clients drinking, like, that's a decision I'm making. It's the same as if I'm drinking doing comedy. It's like, I might be able to do the job better without it, but I made a decision that I prefer to do it this way on this particular evening. So like, even if I decide to drink and respond to client emails or get through a spreadsheet, I'm kind of working for myself when I'm making a decision about the way that I choose to get work done. If I had a job that I felt like it was irresponsible to be drunk cammered, I would not be showing up to work on drugs. - I'm really like by the book. - Yeah, it's very respectable. - Yeah, that's very exciting. - Have you ever hooked up the coworker? - No. - No, wow, that might. - No, that's a, okay, I ever, like, watched porn or jacked off at work. - One time. - There we go. - Oh, yeah, okay. - But also, I worked weird sales jobs and I thought it was at the vending machine. - No, this was not, this was not the vending machine one. This one, okay, this one is, we had sold a condom sponsor that made custom-sized condoms based off of the size of your dick, right? And my other coworker who is this like thin, little, do we be guy, responded to an email, jokingly saying, I'm a D7, I don't know if that's good, haha, and I was like, I for sure have a bigger dick than this guy, and I was like, and I have to know, do I have a bigger dick than this coworker who's a fucking Dweeb, right? And so, I took the measurement things that they had and I started jerking off at work to get a heart on to find out whether or not I had a bigger dick than my coworker, and that guy's dick is gigantic. Like, dude, bigger than this fucking microphone. - Oh my God. - I actually went back and I was like, how is your dick this big? You're a fucking Dweeb, why don't you have like more or two? You have an idea, he's like, really? I was like, dude, a D7 is like a nine inch hog that's fucking thick, like, so I one-time jerked off at work because I needed for myself to know that I had a bigger dick or that my coworker, which I did not, which was very disappointing, then I had to go through the rest of the job knowing that that guy had a much significantly larger dick than me. - You see, and that's the ore right there, is that good, didn't even care? - Yeah, there you go, that was a dick denher. - Where's the ore, he's like, huh, what? - Yeah. - Dude, that's, that's, God, getting, you're jacking out of a world like sure, you can't get with the letdown of that, the post-nut clarity of like, it's not even bigger than this yet. And I'm hustling the whole goal is to be like, no, I'm just showing your dick off to another guy. (laughing) - Like God. (laughing) - Oh, dude. - Show the answers, you know, one-time. - Well, how long did you continue to work there after that? - I had to quit. (laughing) - Oh, geez. - I wasn't gonna work a job knowing that that guy had a bigger dick than I had been. - Oh, dude. - You didn't look that guy in the eyes. - Yeah, no. - Oh, how do, how do, how do women do it with like, they'd know this girl's bigger tits than that, but they'd have to solve her through it. - Right. - You know, at least the men have the illusion of like, well, maybe, I don't know, maybe I have a bigger dick. - By the way, to this day, you ever have like moments where like, oh, I could have hooked up with that person? - I once had, I was working a sales job and we were out, by the way, for like, as much as they talk about like, comics being like, party people, sales people are fucking aggressive animals. I worked at this New York City sales office. It was like a 200 person sales floor and everyone was doing blow. And it was all like these like young, I was actually the old guy in the office 'cause I'd been doing comedy, I hadn't worked like real jobs. So I was like 32 and everyone was like 24 or 25. We went out, I think our team must have had the best month in the office. So like, we got, I don't know, a grand from the office to go out team building or whatever. And firstly, there was this fat chick on my team that was like, all over me, in a way where you're like, I would be arrested if I was doing what this one's doing. Like she was like, kind of like, all right. And so finally, I get away from this lady and I'm leaving with my manager and we're walking up the stairs of this barn. She's like, so what are you up to from here? I'm like, I'm going home. She's like, oh, okay. And then I got in the Uber. I'm like, you fucking idiot. You could have fucked your manager. Like, she was so clearly hitting on me where she left the bar with me to be like, hey, you wanna come back and party? And I was too big of an idiot. Like I just didn't, I didn't even realize it until I got where I was like, you fucking idiot. - Oh yeah, that's part of that corporate ladder. These girls are like, they fucked their boss. All of a sudden they get so many days of PTO and all that shit. Yeah, I did. I remember, I had an experience when I was at BYU Idaho. - Hell yeah. - That's the Mormon College in Idaho. And we were like playing volleyball with like a bunch of, with a group of people. And this one girl, I didn't know the time that she was flirting with me. We are walking back to our apartment complex and she like, Drew and I are gonna take a shortcut. And she decides that we're both gonna go a different way from the group. And it starts raining. And then she's like, have you ever been kissed in the rain? And I was like, no. And then just kept on walking. - Yeah, that's a bad one. - Yeah, that night, I'm like, wait a minute. - Yeah, that was there for the taking. - Oh yeah, I love that. Yeah, I won't even know if someone's like 40 with me to like afterwards, I'm like, oh, whoops. - Well, that's not gonna happen. Yeah, that's a, yeah, dude. So, do you never fuck that girl though? That manager? - No, damn dude. - I wish I had, I would've been a fun one. - Did you, she was a fat? - No, she was fine. That would've been a fun one. - I thought you said she was fat. - No, there was another lady. It was all fat and all over me. - I thought she was like this fat girl and you were gonna be like, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna fuck him, I'm not a black dude. (laughing) - No, just a missed opportunity. - Damn dude. So, actually, I don't think we ever, so if we go back to vibe, Julie Faz, I don't actually don't think we ever got to your guilty pleasure song. 'Cause you'd be, 'cause you like jam bands. - Okay. - You just like those. Is there any kind of pop thing, like singer, any kind of song that you're like, fuck, I kind of like that. Like, I'll tell you a song I cried to. I was like, I had like a bad experience on like some like ecstasy. I was like, I was at my Amazon job. I was in a rough spot and the song comes on the radio and like, I'm sorry, I'm crying. And I was like, oh my God, halfway through the song, I realized it's a Taylor Swift song. And I was like, God, fucking damn it. But I was like, she got me, I was like, she got me. I can't deny it. - All right, this is pure trash. - Yeah. - But every once in a while, I'm like, I like to listen to Flynn Biscuit. - Dude, he's like, I like to listen to Flynn Biscuit. - I like to listen to Flynn. - That's actually a respectable one. - I like to know, he's like, dude, I swear to God, every single concert I ever see clips from him at, he's like a different costume. Like, they just, they seem fun. - Yeah, I support that. - Okay. - It also, it's like, it's becoming big again with like Gen Z. - Really? - Like getting into corn and like Biscuit. - Like, I don't know why they're in a new metal. - Okay. - That's their thing right now, so. - I didn't know that. - I didn't know it either. - I didn't know that that was coming back. - I thought that was ever. - Yeah, I thought that was cast away. - Nope. - It's coming back. - Really, I didn't even know that. That's how out of the loop I am. I didn't realize I was becoming cool again. - Yeah, dude, he's always coming. Yeah, dude, you're all complaining about not getting late anymore. And I just gotta roll out that old wardrobe, dude. - Get out the jinkos. - Yeah, that's fucking 90s concert t-shirts there to draw somewhere. - Oh, dude. - I've got some Metallica parking lot t-shirts. - Yeah, we have those t-shirts on. They're like, would you urban out footer did you get that? - No, it's vintage. - There you go. - Yeah, you have a question, Drew. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm drawing a blank on what it was. - Hell yeah. - Yeah, I had one locked it ready to go and then I got into the Metallica t-shirt. - It's a cool t-shirt. - No, oh yeah, here's what it was. This is a fun one. You never know what people are gonna say. What's your favorite racial slur? (laughing) Honestly. - Big list. - It's, Jew is the funniest. - It is just the funniest. Dude, I remember the first time I watched Casino and there's that scene out in the desert with Joe Pesci and he goes, you Jew might have fucking you and I never heard the word Jew used in that way. I'm a Jewish, I never heard it like just using the derogatory slur and I remember just laughing my ass off and it's the safest 'cause I'm Jewish. So you get to throw it around the most but I gotta say it's the funnest. It was like tonight when I said every conspiracy theory or two layers of research away just from going it's the Jews. - It is one of the funniest parts about conspiracies how you're like kind of reading some stuff and then it just takes that right turn and they're like, but like the Jews, we definitely, it's like, I don't know. It's like, it's almost at this point I'm waiting for that. But that line though from Casino, like I never heard, it sounds too cool to the ways of it. It's like, it wouldn't be the same movie without the Jew right there. It's like, dude. - Well, I had a bit that I tried that just and it was very bad. But I remember like in middle school kids would call kids Jew and there were no Jews. My spoken watching zeroed, but I don't think, you might be the first two I've ever met. - There you go. - It was just so little on the west coast. And so like whenever anyone was being a douche, they'd be like, you Jew. And then you learn about the Holocaust. And I was like, oh, Hitler killed a bunch of douche bags. That's what it was like the punch line. I tried this like my first open mic ever. - Right. - Like my brain and I thought that's what it meant 'cause that's what you always said. And then it just wasn't. - Have you gotten someone to drop the N word when you asked that question? Have you coded somebody into it? - Oh, we definitely guys just say it on the podcast before. - Just one, two, Chuck Fury. - And Colin. - Well, I knew Colin was the one. - Chuck said it like 15 times in the beginning of the podcast. - He kind of asked. - No, you shouldn't. - Yeah, there's definitely guys I hear that. Yeah, I just, but we didn't even ask them to. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I only think it was that question where we got people to say. - I mean, other than the, what other rate, like who's throwing around Chink? Who uses that word? - He throws around oriental. He throws around that. - It's almost like cute. Someone says oriental, like. - Yeah. - Yeah, I'm just saying what, like what other racial slurs are people using on the? - I mean, I think it's like, like FAG. - Is that a racial, that's not a racial slur? - That's not a racial slur. - Yeah, I guess that's just a slur. - Yeah, also my mom, for the longest time thought oriental was the politically correct word for Asian. - That's awesome. - Yeah, so she would always say Kenny, Kenny, Kenny. I like, I'm just saying other than-- - It's not even like slurs like don't even account. - Yeah. - Yeah. - No, that's usually what we get if we ask that question is Italian ones, that's the road to. - 'Cause it's the safest. - The safest, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - 'Cause you're just goading people and seeing if someone will say the end word. - Yeah. Yeah, that's what's fun about their parties. The people will say they'll just come out with it. Uh oh. So here's a question. It's one of our main questions throughout every episode. If there was a country, you could nuke off the face of the earth, which would it be? - Mm. I get to nuke an entire country. - And we've had to say to multiple people, you can't say America, it's too easy. 'Cause we have all that multiple of that. - I don't know, this is stumper. Gonna nuke a whole country. - Whole country. - Off the face of the earth. What would I rather not be here? - It's your own Benjamin, would you say that it don't exist? - Oh yeah. - But the nukes don't exist? - Yeah. - That's his theory. If some people go by population, they'll be like, well, it says the least. - No, I feel like you don't want to nuke anything on our side of the hemisphere, 'cause the likelihood is you're gonna end up with nuclear fallout. So you're talking about, really the question is what Asian country? - It's a good spot. And then we never had anyone think about it like this. - No, it's great, it's self-preservation. - Yeah, I'm just saying there's no reason to nuke anything in the northern hemisphere. Firstly, nothing affects me enough, you know? That doesn't make any sense. So you have to, the idea here is you have to nuke a country? - It has to be one. One country just has to be gone. Yeah, before whatever reason, we have had people just say like Greece, 'cause like I just fucking don't like it. Some people say the Vatican, 'cause yeah, it's like what's the smallest country. - Yeah, that one's sorry. - Yeah, that one's true. - But you're still gonna have a pie. You're gonna end up with major-- - It affects the nerve factor, yeah. - Yeah, it's like you're dropping on Rome. - Yeah, I feel like if you want something that you're total, like, well, we know that Japan can handle it. - They can handle it. - Yeah, it's Japan can, and they'll forgive you. They'll let it go, you know? - So they bounce it back pretty well. - Yeah, they bounce back pretty good. - If we nuke them, I gotta try them. - Their eyes are weird anyways, so, you know? - Yeah. - And then we have a few-- - It's just five. - If anyone's been evolved to just handle a nuke, it's the jab, so I guess at this point, you know? - Yeah, dude. - By the way, if you don't nuke them, they'll just end up blowing up their own nuclear-- - Do what do you do anyways? - So you're doing them a favor, you know? They seem to like the radiation out there. How else are they gonna have Godzilla? - Exactly. There's so many things that we don't wanna have. - Yeah. - 'Cause yeah, what would they do on the forward with, too? I don't know. They just want our gas. - So Japan. - So Japan. - Sure. - That's a good ally. No one's done Japan. - I don't think anyone's picked Japan out. - We've got India. We've had-- - And for all I know, Japan could or could not exist. For all I know, Japan's a scyop. Have you ever been to Japan? I've never been to Japan. - Yeah. - I don't like anything Japanese. There's nothing Japanese I eat. There's nothing important from Japan. There's never been a musical artist where I'm like, oh man, thank God. This guy came in from Japan, you know? - Shouhei Otani. Like him. - I don't know the fuck that is. - Baseball player. - I mean, really the things that affect you the most would just be like, yeah, like cars, Toyota. - I'm not a Toyota guy. - There you go. What are you? - I'm a Subaru guy. I think that's South Korea. - I'm a Subaru. - Japanese. - Oh, is it Japanese? - Wait, is Subaru Japanese? - Japanese. - Well, then let's not nuke that part of Japan. - Keep that one separate. - Yeah, those are the good Japan. - That was nice. - We like the Subaru. - Like the Subaru. - That's the bad one. - Yeah, the Subaru. - We get rid of Nissan. - Absolutely. - Don't need Nissan's. - They suck. Okay, like we've had people in the Ingaider podcast, before we can finish the question, he was like, Pakistan. (laughing) - Also, we asked him what his favorite racial slur is, and he said curry muncher. - Yeah. - I've never even heard that. - I've never heard either. I know, I like the racial, like the slur is really like, is that even a thing? - Curry muncher sounds like a term for someone who specifically, like an Indian lesbian. (laughing) - Yeah, dude. I was thinking about like, they're over like countries who are like, they want to have a slur about them, 'cause I don't think there's a slur about like Peruvians, 'cause I feel like they just couldn't call it like Mexicans, and I feel like, do you have people ever like, yearned to have a slur? 'Cause like, they just want to succeed. - 'Cause it makes you important. - Yeah. - It's like, you have enough of an impact on people for them to dislike you enough, to honor you with a slur. It's almost an honor. - It is. - Yeah. - Otherwise, you don't even exist. - Yeah, 'cause it's like, you have to be getting specific about this certain spot. - Yeah, Peru, it's like, you're just like. - Yeah, it's like apathy is the, is a. - Exactly. Of course, then hate. - Then hate. Hate is closer to love. So at least if we have a derogatory slur, it's 'cause you have enough of an impact on my life for me to have an emotion towards you. Versus if there's no slur for you at all, that means you're completely fucking neutral. You're bringing nothing to the table. - It's gonna be so, it feels, it hurts so bad to be like, if you're like, I don't even know what you are. And then you're like, no, I'm from this, I love my country, and you're like, I don't even know where that is. And like, it's cool though, and you're like, well, you know where we live, you know where America is. Like, yeah, that would suck if no one even is even aware. - That checks out. - So I had like, I posted a standup clip, and one of my friends from college, he was a guy from China. Like, he'd only been in the States for a couple of years. He commented on my standup clip, do Chinese jokes. I was like, oh, I don't think you know how this works here in America. Like, I can't just. - Oh, he's requesting, he's like, come on. - Yeah, he's like sending me a request. He's like, come on, it could be your best one. - Like, you're like, well, there's a comic that could try that once. (laughing) No, that's sick though. - Yeah, I don't know, okay. So when you're in the end of the podcast, we're nearing the end of the job interview. Sometimes I forget that we're doing an interview for the podcast, and I'm like, oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, I have one more quick one. What's the craziest lie you ever told a boss? - It doesn't have to be that out there, but. - Hey, throw me real thinkers here. I got to actually-- - Oh, yeah, dude, we're getting in there. - Crazy as lie. - Was this ever a time, you know, or I don't know, like, yeah, you can't make it into work, and you're like, I could like, all dude, but both my parents died or-- - I'm so not this part. I never missed work. Like, when I had jobs, it was just like, you show up for work. Like, it doesn't matter. You just fucking show up. - I'll show up where I'm like, I shouldn't. I'm like, I'm like, beyond, I'm like barely sober, and I'm like, I'll make it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I'm saying. - Okay, and this last one here, it kind of falls into your expertise. - I'm sorry, I'm so boring, obviously. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't worry. You're not a boring person that we've had. - Yeah, you're not-- - We've had people who are, they're just, they just are very buttoned up, but no personality. And it's like, that's like, yeah, you're good. - The wise I've told it work is like pretending that you don't hate the job that you hate. - Yeah. - That's like, I'll do that all day, where you show up and you gotta put a fucking smile on your face and be a whore and pretend like you don't absolutely despise people that you hate. - Isn't it like a relief when you have a boss who kind of breaks that fourth wall and is like, this fucking sucks. And then you can like talk to your boss about how terrible it is. - Oh, no, no, no, no. - Well, of course I have my best friends. I bought us at the Vallejo workout. - Right. - Yeah, you just, you talk shit. And it's, yeah, it's, 'cause especially, I'm just dealing with people face to face all the time, like, hey, welcome into the hotel and all that. And like, but really what I'm thinking is just like, why the fuck are you valing on your car? - I'll spend years of my life pretending like everything's fine when it's not. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, that's the biggest lie to myself. - I'll live that lie if just keep showing up. We're like, yeah, this stuff's fine. Yeah, the corporation's great. I love what we're doing here, you know? - We really got a plan here. We're having a good time. - Yeah. All right, so this last one, this kind of falls into your expertise. - Okay. - We're gonna name names. And we wanna know if you would vote for these people or president in the United States. - Okay, sure. - Yeah, okay. First one, Kevin Spacey. - No, I mean-- - I mean, caveat. - Okay. - Playing Francis Underwood from House of Cars. He's just always in character. - Yeah. - Never plays character. - That is, there's something fun about that, but it's two, all right, here's why I don't like it. A, it's too serial killer-y. And two, like I hate the way that politics has just become entertainment. And that's all of us just going, hey, we'd rather have the entertaining thing to someone who actually can do anything, accomplish anything or actually knows anything about this. So it's like we're all, that's all of us relegating ourselves to, hey, all participate in this lore of understanding that this is all shenanigans. So why not take the person who played the president the best on TV and just make them president? Because it's, in other words, that's all of us going, hey. - It's kind of like when they did Ukraine, right? - Yes, I guess, yeah, they hired some comedic actor to play the role for the CIA for, you know, washing their money. But I'm saying to take, like, the guy, we all know that he's not that person. But for us to go, hey, it's, we enjoy that on television, so why not just make that a reality? It's just, it's such a, no, I understand, firstly, how fun is that actual? You know what I mean? Sometimes TV shows, they go on too long where they don't have their writers and you're like, this sucks now. - Or goes on too long that he just no longer on the show. - Right, right. - Yeah, 'cause he got in trouble for it. - Yeah, well, yeah. - When he was playing, you know what else? Louis CK had this really funny rant where he says, actors, they're like, you learn that they're just empty cups and you have to fill them up. And that's the problem with actors is that they're uninteresting and for the most part, they're not that smart, but they get used to all of the credit that they get for other people's lines that they start believing that they're actually important or they have something of valued at and they don't. So that's a problem with him as, he's actually like, I'm sure he's a brilliant guy and he's clearly a brilliant actor, but like him actually playing that part without writers probably isn't that good. - Well, he did play that part without actors. When he made like a video, like a two years after you-- - Yeah, when he made the pitch to play the part. - No, no, no. - Like, oh, you're a fucking gay guy, then you just see him as a gay guy. - No, when he got canceled and he made a video where he was like, addressing, he just made a video talking to everyone, like, I know you've been wondering what I've been, he's still in character. And everyone was like, this is fucking crazy. - Yeah. - 'Cause like, why aren't you just talking as yourself? - Right. - Like, yeah, you missed me on "House of Cause." But there's something about the tenacity to him that was like, maybe it could be fun for the office. Also, 'cause it's really them just saying like, hey, the president even really won the show anyways. - Right. - So that's the first option, second option, Tom Brady. - He's handsome. - He's handsome guy. - I'm just saying, if we're gonna, all right, here's the Tom Brady pitch is I'm a disciplined winner and I won at what is the pinnacle of our culture and I did that at a high level and it's because I'm so disciplined. And so if you throw me into this other role, I can win at this as well. And there's a pitch there. - Yep. - So Tom Brady, it would be relative to, they're all lying all the time. But do you have the dignity, it's not even that. Are you gonna lie with something that's like along the lines of my value? So for example, if Tom Brady got up tomorrow and said, listen, I've actually been doing some research and I think I can fix the country and we have to end the Federal Reserve and get out of wars. I'd be like, fuck yeah, Tom Brady rules. Like take Aaron Rodgers. If Aaron Rodgers is running for president and Aaron Rodgers was like, listen, after everyone gave me shit over this vaccine, I realized how corrupt the system is and I've been doing my homework and vote for me, I'm gonna get rid of the Fed, I'd be like Aaron Rodgers rules. So you take a guy like Tom Brady, I'm not gonna rule him out for his personality, but it would have to be, and I understand that whatever his platform is, is a lie, if you're going for that, it's just 'cause you want power. That's the game that we're playing. But it's, are your lies in line with my values that I want them to be platformed? - Okay. - Also, I mean, it'd be hard to win against in debate 'cause half of the debate, you can just check out his pass really fast. So, like, I mean, if he has that in his back pocket. - He can out-cool the other people. - Yeah, easily. - He'd show up to the face. - And you know, and you know he's physically fit for the job. He's just like, he's like, I'm, you know, I'm like-- - You can just show up with all of his Super Bowl rings on. - Yeah, he's like, and he's used to having coordinators and coaches, he's just like, I'm used, I'm know how to kind of separate the power and like they do this, I do this. It's like, he'd be hard. If he really got a good campaign going, I don't know, I mean, he'd be hard to go against. - Okay, that's one here. We just pull back the curtain a bit and elect Larry Fink. (laughing) - I could not get behind Larry Fink. That's the guy who runs Blackrock, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - No, I couldn't, that Larry Fink, that's Chief Evil right there. - Dude, since it's no one. - And then it's Finky. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - There's no more facade, though. - But there still is the most odd. - We give our real president the actual title. - Right, right. - Yeah, I mean, that's, so he's awesome. - So Larry Fink, though, could have a pitch. You ready for the Larry Fink pitch? - Let's do it. - Let's hear it. - I'm making Bitcoin the reserve currency of the United States government, and you will be a millionaire based off of the Bitcoin that you own. I might go, all right, now you're bribing me. You're specifically saying, here's the money I will put in your wallet, and then I go, everything's a fucking scam. But A, this goes back to the Fed, I actually think I'll fix the financial system if you were to do that, and two, who make me wealthy. So even Larry Fink might be able to bribe me for a vote. - Hell, yeah, dude. This whole podcast has been coming towards, right? This has just been a way to Trojan horse Larry Fink into this. (laughing) - Yeah, gold or Bitcoin? Ooh. - All right, wait, you flush out the question. Be more specific. - Or V-Bucks on Fortnite, I don't know. (laughing) - That sounds like a fun currency. - It's a real currency. - Okay, like this. - What is it? You can trade it in for the armor wear? - Yeah, yeah, that's how you purchase all their items. You have to put in cash, and then you get a certain amount of V-Bucks, and then, you know, I'll pin for president. - I like that the Epic Games makes $20 billion. - Okay. (laughing) - Yeah, that's what that's what you're talking about. - I guess the rephrasing is if you're gonna put one in, you're gonna be hoarding one. - Okay. - In case there's a financial crisis, which one are you hoarding? - I personally have a lot more of my personal assets in Bitcoin than gold, but I don't know that that's, I don't know that that's a smart play. If you were to add, like if you were to, if you were to be more specific and say, what do I think would make for a better base currency? - Yeah. - And I'm gonna, like gold still makes more sense to me, but I know that that's probably also not actually technically accurate. - Hell yeah. I kind of checked out right there 'cause I was like, I don't understand either of these things really, 'cause in my head, I'm like, they're both worthless. (laughing) But I was like, the reserves, the gold, I'm like, wasn't that like not really worth, like it's like, we just attribute value to that, but that's what's fun about money. Anyways, so I try to think many more questions for them before we get to the final, they just should be higher than that. - So, I apologize, I wish I had more exciting answers for you guys. - No, you're very exciting, no. - The thing was, it's also like, you just seem, like you seem as like, so I put together - It does not do like smart. - Yeah. - It's just like, it's really throwing us off. - I was expecting a lot more degeneracy on the job. (laughing) - I used to this kind of competition. - We're talking to comedians, we're talking about that job makers. - Right. - Yeah, we had a guy once, he's like, yeah, I fucked a coworker in a porta potty, and we're like, whoa. - I wish I was that cool. I'm a very, I'm a vanilla guy who drinks off the job. - I know, it's like, yeah, it just sounds like just a good guy, you know? Go your head on straight, you haven't been to prison. Yeah, man, I don't know, it's just like, it almost sounds like too much of a slam dunk for this job. - Yeah. - Yeah. - We're overqualified from the position. - We're not worried about like, we can take this, he's gonna ice us out of our position. (laughing) But, I don't know, we might not be able to have a company without it, 'cause you guys just the first great question, which is what is the company, and we didn't have a good answer for that. - If we hire this Jew, he might replace us. (laughing) - Fuck, dude. - Fun joke. (laughing) - Shit. - I don't know, man. I mean, I feel like you're-- - We need, I don't. - What? - He's our sales guy. - There you go. - Easily. - Yeah, yeah, he's in a sales. - Well, 'cause you were so good at this already, like, you walk into the pitch and like, what is the company, it doesn't, dude, what, that's your company. (laughing) And you just, you can circumvent that so easily. (laughing) - We'll have to get rid of Jimmy Glasscock. - Well, no, no, he's still on the company. He doesn't do anything. He's the real guy, it's the real name of Jimmy Glasscock. But we'll just keep him around. - Yeah, we hired him on the condition that in the office, he's just in a glass case. - Yeah, we're afraid of him around women, so we put him in a glass box. - That makes sense. - Yeah, and he can just do his work. - Is he allowed to flash his dick through the box though? - I don't think about that. - Yeah, but he's too straight-laced of like, he's like a Mormon kid, even though he's not Mormon. - Okay. - Like, we just don't see him doing that. - Yeah, he's more Mormon than like, actual Mormons, even though he doesn't go to church. He doesn't do drugs, doesn't drink, all this shit. Anyways, we haven't been to glass case, he is, yeah, he is. But although, out of a lot of people with immigrant, he has jacked off in his car outside of work, and we're like, "What?" And he's like, "Yeah." He's like, "Is that weird?" And we're like, "Yeah, it is." And he's like, "What?" And then anyways, his mom listened to that podcast. - Yeah, it's fun. - So. - Yeah, I say he's hired. - Cars outside of works is a tough place for jerking off the parking lot. - Yeah. - Is he watching porn on his phone? - Yeah. - Where's he splooging into? He could be bringing napkins. - Let's see. - He's like, "Is the question like, in your shirt?" - Yeah. - Or you're like, "Yeah, you just wear it." - Or you have an empty spot. - Or you just carry that oyster with you all day. - Yeah, I see. - You know, in like a 7/11 cup. - Yeah, why aren't you jerking off in a home before you get to the parking lot? That almost sounds like the fetish is being outside of work with the potential of getting caught. - Or just thinking about seeing your boss, you're like, "Oh, fuck, I got it." Because I don't know what is leading to that. Like, I have to get this out. Like, is that during the work day taking a break and going to his car? - I can't remember if he specified or if it was like right before he went in or it was like, either way, just like-- - I think he said it was on a lunch break. - Oh, man. - If my memory serves me correct. - I think he did like, I think he was like a coder. So I'm like, I don't know, like what, like-- - Dude, there's numbers. There's the binary code. Just got him. - Yeah, he's seen all those ones and zeros all day. - Yeah, I don't. - Yeah, so he's, that was the weird thing with this kid. It's like, he's such kind of a boring, boring, boring life. - Right. - And then, yeah, he's jacked off outside of his work and I was like, okay, so his life, I don't know. These people, like, we get more worried with him. That's why I'm in the class cage. - Yeah. - 'Cause you're like, you seem like this loose cannon that's ready to go off. - But if you give this guy his own space, he might be jerking off in there all the time. - Didn't think about that. You might not want this guy. - This is why you definitely have the job. You're filling in the holes for us, that we don't even realize we have all these problems with our organization. We didn't think about the, that we could just, he could just whip his dick out and like. - Yeah, that guy doesn't get worked on if you leave him alone in his own space. - I knew he's just jerking off in the job site. - Back this into a corner is exactly what he wanted. - Yeah. - Oh. - You need that guy in a general cubicle where everyone can see him. That's what you need. - Yeah, we have all eyes on him, but wait, I mean, I don't know. There's all just circles around him. - Yeah. - This whole office circles around him. - Also, I think his episode got like the most downloads we'd had 'cause of. - Just 'cause the name. - The name, people were like, what? - His ass cock. - His name's your ass cock and it just has such great SEO. Everyone just like, I think people just see the name. Like, what's this about? But anyways, 'cause you got the job, dude. - Yeah, thanks guys. - You got the job. Also, it's good to diversify. This is like our one opportunity in Utah to hire a Jewish man. - There you go. - Yeah, really, honestly, I don't think I ever, I don't know any Jewish people growing up. I always, but like, what I was taught in the growing up Mormon is they're like, they're similar to us. - Yeah, no, Mormons love. - They have been persecuted just like us. - Mormons love. - What is the Mormon persecution? - They view when they went on like the pine, when they became pioneers and like fled, like, was like Missouri. - Yeah, Missouri. - 'Cause they were like, they hate Mormons and really what it was is like, Joseph Smith was like, fuck the 14-year-old and was like practicing polygamy. And they were like, that's what they called and feathered him. - There was a state-sanctioned extermination where it was legal to kill a Mormon in the state of Missouri. And so that was-- - Were they all fucking 14-year-olds? - Kind of. - I think it was, in other words, Missouri was anti-petaphiles. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so then they ran off. And so the Mormon story, they tried to kill us all. - Yeah, so they were like, what a person. So they were like-- - And you know what? - That's how they ended up in Utah. - But it's a very Jimmy move. (laughing) - How fluid? - Yeah, and you're fucking the 14-year-olds and you're going, those bigots over there really hate us. - Well, the fuck, 'cause we're seven-fucking-- - That's what Mormons do. - A lot of, like, they have the temples and then everything in there is like very, like, Old Testament-y. - Oh, yeah, but-- - And then, like, the patriarchal blessing, and you get assigned to a tribe of Israel. - Oh, yeah, that's a big, that's a big thing. You get part of a tribe and then-- - If you're a good Mormon, you get Ephraim. - Yeah. - Well, he's had a good one to be labeled as-- - Isn't that just the biggest one? Like, the most amount of people get put in there? - Yeah. - I don't know, there's like a lot of weird shit like that where it's like, just most people get put in there. - Isn't he, excuse my Bible history. Wasn't he a son of Joseph? That's one of the split tribes, isn't it? - Yeah, yeah, so it's a-- - I don't know. - From in Manasseh. - Manasseh, right, and so the Mormons are like, we come from all the Mormons think that's theirs. And then, yeah, it's a, Mormons are like fascinated with, there's so much Judaism mixed into Mormonism, it's weird. - It's, yeah. - Or the other tribes that you could get a labeled as. - Oh, I do, you're asking the wrong guy. I don't know, I, it just, they all sound just dumb and old, but it just, it's just like-- - But it's always like a real Christian where it's like-- - People always slither and shit. - Oh, yeah, yeah, no, it is, it's like you're, yeah, you're getting like sorted into your house. - I would hear like, oh my cousin, she got put in like some like fucking random one and was like, whoa. Like, what are you from? - Yeah, they didn't, they didn't get anywhere. - Oh my God. What does that mean? Yeah, so it's very creative, you know, the show Battlestar Galactica. - I'm familiar. - That shows like a lot of it is based around Mormonism. - Right. - It's the person who wrote it was Mormon, like back in like the '80s. - Right. - So I had no idea about that. There's like the 12 drives are in that. - Okay. - They're represented in that show, it's a strange thing. So yeah, anyways, that's a quick view in there. I haven't talked about that shit for like 10 years. So, anyways, so yeah, you're hired. We'll tell you more about Mormonism there. You'd be a great missionary, dude. That's just a sales job. - There you go. - That's all it is. - I mean, that's why you go to like the Mormon universities and all these like home security. - Where do they recruit? Like where? - Just churches all over the world. So it's like when you grow up and you become like 18. - So I feel like the pitch is you go to South America, you knock on someone's door and you're like, what do you like to be more white? - It is kind of like that. For me, I went to Scotland and Ireland. - Okay. - And so I would knock-- - They're already white. - Yeah, but I'd knock on those door and be like, so like, do you hate gay people? And I'm like, we're Catholic and I'm like, we're halfway there. - Right. - Yeah, that was a hard sell in Ireland 'cause I'd be like, you wanna join our church? And they're like, yeah, all the priests fucked our kids. So I don't think we're into that anymore. And I was like, that's pretty good reason. And I'm like a 19-year-old kid. I'm like, I don't have anything to say to that. So everyone hasn't knew it out there. - Why do the Mormons like to recruit to get people in? - Okay, so here's what, yeah. So Mormons, they believe basically that they're like the, not the anti-Catholic, so-- - The true church. - Yeah, yeah. So you know, like the whole Jesus thing. Jesus came, made a church. Mormons believe, and then like Catholics are like, we are the same church have always been. Mormons are like, the church was corrupted, it fell, and then our guy brought it back to life. - And Joseph's been. - In America. - Paul Meyer in New York. - Yeah, he brought it back. And so now Mormons believe it's the restored church of Jesus Christ back on the earth. And Mormons are like, we got to share it with everyone and get everyone back in. - Yeah, let them know, they're doing it wrong. Yeah, that we do, we got the truth. And now, like the, and it's the church has changed since the 1800s to now. And now it's like the church has a stock portfolio. And I think you can see what they trade on the market. Like they have a massive stock portfolio. And they have like, they own some of like the most, like some of the most farmland in the country. It's like just like a bunch of shit, like that kind of like Scientology. So it's like a weird way to do, 'cause like there's, they say they have 15 million members, active members, it's 5 million. So it's weird, 'cause they keep announcing that more and more temples, but it's like less and less people are going to church, especially now, the younger generation are really falling off and leaving the church. Like me, now at the internet, more information's out there. And people are like, this is not real. And so it's like collapsing, but they have so much money. So. - Yeah. - No, I think they have more than the Vatican now. It's crazy. - I don't know about that. I don't know. - Like last estimate that I saw in Wikipedia. - Who are church people to share their wealth though? - So what's the scheme? If you're bringing people in, they're paying. - Well, they pay tithing. You become a Mormon, then you pay tithing. - You gotta pay 10% of your income. - Okay. - So that's like what they want. And you're a good Mormon if you pay your tithing. - Right. - So obviously they obviously - And if you don't pay that, you can't go to a temple. - Yeah, you can't get a temple recommend. - Okay. So they're trying to bring people in to get their 10%. - Yeah. And so I think that's what it used to be for a while. And they really started to like figure out how to make more and more money. So now it doesn't even matter as much anymore. But they still have like huge players. Like really rich Mormons, like Mitt Romney. - Right. - People like that, who are like. - Oh yeah, it's funny that what's his name? - He was a Senate majority whip. - Yeah, what's his name? - What? - Mike Lee. - No, no, no, Mike, well, Mike Lee's Mormon. But who was the... - What's the point, like what did he do? - No, no, no, no, it was just like... - No, no, no, no, it was a Democrat. But it was funny how many like Mormons are in DC. It's... - Oh, there's a ton of Mormons in the CIA. - Like a lot of Mormons in the CIA. Like it's actually, it's a hot recruiting ground for the CIA. 'Cause I think they know like they're not, they're so like obedient. Like they don't do crazy shit, they don't drink. - They're incredibly patriotic. - Yeah. - Yeah. So it's like, yeah, like, I don't know if you, did you hear of Evan McMullen in 2016? So so many Mormons were like turned off by Trump's rhetoric. And Utah is like almost always a red state. Trump almost lost like Utah in 2016 because this CIA put this Mormon guy out there to run and he almost won Utah. - Really? - Yeah. - That's wild. - All right, well, I think we've made it. Yeah, we made it quite a big tangent. We should hop off, but... - Anything you wanna promote? - Check out, I got my own personal podcast, the Run Your Mouth podcast. And hopefully before the election, I will have a special out, Robby the Fire, all when we're on YouTube. You can follow me on social media, but hopefully that will be out there before the election. - Hell yeah, dude. - Nice. - Okay, well, hey, thanks for coming on. That was super fun.