FM Talk 1065 Podcasts
Jolene Roxbury Variety Hour 9-28-24
[music playing] The following broadcast is brought to you live and in color. I don't want to hear no more of that goofy talk. Shield of the talk and all you got to do is be a good listener. Popular radio entertainment for the masses. Sweet Jesus, please let this work. Stay alive. [cheering] It's time to have song for Andy's a good time all the way. [music playing] Yes, it's time to laugh and sing. Time to brighten up, y'all Steve. We got your lean-up in the house and the rocks beretly is on the way. Jolene, it's mama. If somebody had bear with you. It's time to have song for Andy's a good time all the way. It's time to laugh and sing. Time to brighten up y'all day. We got your lean-up in the house and the rocks beretly is on the way. [music playing] Welcome back to the weekend, every bad day. My name is Jolene Roxbury and we are here for the specific purpose of, well, we don't have one. We're just here to have a good time and the radio station, you are listening at us own because I like to say the word at. If you are listening to a terrestrial radio station, meaning, you know, one you can grab the knob and turn it on, it's a talk radio station because talk radio stations are the only ones who will cavort on the weekends. Now, music stations do that too, but music stations can't take a break from the music for an entire hour. If they did, they wouldn't be a music station and that's what it would require to have us on their station on the weekends. So we don't really fit there. We have to go where we fit. So this station right here that you're listening at, okay, you're listening too. And that would be FMTalk1065. Show them some love, patronize their advertisers, for they are the ones who help them bring you programming like this. If you're joining us for the first time, this show takes a break from all the news, all the information we have to process during the week. And you know what a task it is to stay informed. Keep yourself up on things because these days, things change fast. And I'm not talking about just politics. The election news, definitely there's something there every day that's new, sometimes every hour. But I'm talking about just world news. You've got to keep up with that, not to mention what's going on in your own backyard. Just keeping up with the weather can wear you out. So here we are, sitting back, visiting with you, just having a good time, bringing back the feeling you get from like the old school variety hours. No politics, no news, it's untold enough a sign, no substance. That's right, no substance whatsoever. Just fun. We do some crazy things on this show, things you won't hear on other shows. For instance, not too long ago, we dedicated an entire show to the fact that every milkshake machine in the universe was broken down at the same time. Every establishment I drove up to over a period of a year, I'm telling you, didn't matter what time of the day, what day of the week, their shake machine was broken. And I say over a period of a year because I don't drink milkshakes often. You know, I'd get the hankering for one, maybe, you know, once every couple of months or so. But when I would set out to find one, I'd get turned away everywhere. Because the shake machine was broken, broken, along with their proper English. But at that moment, I would not have cared what language they were speaking. I just wanted a milkshake, couldn't get one. So we dedicated an entire show to that concept. No, I'm not going to play the whole show, but I will tell you that Jolene, not being able to get a milkshake when she wants one, continues to this day. Three days ago, my mother and I were in my vehicle. She wanted a milkshake and insisted we drive through and order one. But I told her it's not going to happen. If I'm behind the wheel, when we drive up, shake machine's going to be broke. So I decided to start getting some audio just as we drove up. I was that certain the shake machine was going to be broken. And sure enough, it was, even my mother didn't believe me. You can hear her laughing at me in the background. This is me and my mom driving through to get a milkshake. This audio represents about the 100th time in the past 12 months. I have tried to get a milkshake anywhere. I'm telling you, it's a conspiracy. They see me coming and they disable the milkshake machine. Simple as that. Would you roll that audio please? You see there? It's a conspiracy. This is the first time I ever heard someone refer to it as being down. The shake machine is down like the whole ice cream related grid. It's down. I wasn't upset about this because I'm used to it. I never get a milkshake no matter where I go. But my mother was miffed. She had to settle for a protein drink at my house. It was chocolate, but it wasn't a milkshake. And I heard about it for the rest of the day. So yeah, we did a whole show about that. And while we're not going to do the entire show, we will do the milkshake song. Not the one about people coming to the yard. Nah, totally different song. Well, race fans, there seems to be a shake machine out on the track and it doesn't appear to be working. What? It's not working. It's just broke. Oh, man. I've been dreaming all day of a tasty frozen tree. And I do know that I want one. I'd rather use a straw than eat my ice cream from my bowl. Think I'm gonna go get one. I know of a place less than a mile from here. And my tire tracks be smoking. I can guarantee you when I'm walking through that door. But the shake machine is broken. No shake. What? No milkshakes? The machine is broken down. No shake. It was working down yesterday. The machine is broken down yesterday. It was working perfectly yesterday. The machine is broken down. What is the problem? The machine is broken down. The machine is broken down. The machine is broken down. The machine is broken down. The machine is broken down. The machine is broken down. The machine is broken down. The machine is broken down. No shake. The machine is broken down. The machine is broken down. The machine is broken down. You can fix a rocket made to take a man up to the moon. If it's a cotton pig, then come by. And you can fix machines and pour right through a mountain side. But a shaker machine blows your mind. No shakes. No shakes. It's broken down. The machine is broken down. No shakes. The machine is broken down. Can you make me a half a shake? Like a half a milkshake? No shakes. How about any flavor? Anything? I'll take anything. How about a Pepsi? No thank you. This looks like we got us a good old-fashioned broke down. Unfortunately, the machine that makes the shake grow. Alright? It's in a state of disreparation at the moment. It ain't work. Maybe this drive-thru has one. I'd like a chocolate shake, please. Large. A shake machine is broken. That's it. I'm coming in. I'm coming in. Could you welcome back at your car, please? I'm coming in there. I'm going to kick you. You're not allowed to come up to the wind. I'm coming in here. I'm coming in. I'm coming in. I'm coming in. How can they all be broken? Fall is officially here. September through December, my favorite months of the year. One of the things I love to do when this time of the year rolls around. I like to go in the big box stores. Doesn't matter what those big boxes are full of. It could be food, home improvement stuff. Just the big boxes of stuff stores. They start to smoosh all of the upcoming holidays together. Take a look. It doesn't start getting ridiculous until October arrives. And the Halloween stuff really comes out. You'll see a little bit of Thanksgiving stuff in there, but not a whole lot. And the Christmas stuff, by October, they don't even try to hide it. The Christmas stuff, it's right there. But one thing they have not started doing yet, advertising the two holidays together. That would be kind of weird. It's October. And you know what that means, don't you? That's right. It's my favorite holiday of the year. I just go back to you during the season. Go to any store. And what do you see? What? Decorations and treats everywhere. Yes, it's finally time for Christmas. And you are invited to Big Baba's pre-Halloween Christmas Sale, where you'll find frightfully good bargains on everything you need to jump the gun on this marvelous either. Why, here comes Santa Claus. Where are you going, Santa? I am going to Big Baba's to get chestnuts and candy corn to put in a trick or treat bags. The kids are going to hang on the fair place. If you do, you can confuse the kitties by jumping on the Christmas band wagon in October. Ho, ho, ho. On Dasher, on Donner, on Igor and Boris. And don't forget to get your jack-o-lander to put on top of your tree. Big Baba's pre-Halloween Christmas Sale. Don't waste time. According to Madison Avenue, you're already late in starting your Christmas shopping. And Big Baba's shopping for the season of Peace on Earth is always a scream. Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas, Big Baba's is the place for you. Scary masks, tinsel tooth, a piece on Earth, and then say boo! Happy Baba's. Thanks for taking us along with you this weekend. Wherever you are, whatever you happen to be doing, stay right where you are. We'll be right back. Rock me! My grandson is a senior, and I can't wait to see him in the halftime shows. Jeb Jr., you're supposed to be down on that field. It's fine. He gave me 20 bucks to take my place. Who gave you 20 bucks? Is that David Lord with A&A vacuum down on that field? What is he doing down there? Oh, he said he couldn't march back when he was in high school because of his asthma. So I was like, "Here, take my tuba. Have a field day." He can't carry your tuba. He's got a bad back. What's he carrying? Is that him? Yeah, it's a vacuum cleaner. He's taking a vacuum down on that field. Hey, Tony, come over here for a minute. Aren't you the more reasonable brother? You got to do something. This can't happen again. You remember how bad it was the last time David went down on the field, right? That was terrible. He took out the whole first line of the horn section, stomping around down there like he knows what he's doing. Where's he going now? No, we go left here, left! This ain't good at all. Can't you do something? I've got this. What you got is a liability, my friend. Make your day with A&A. This is Jolene's mother with a very important message from Naaman's catering. Naaman's delicious menu to go. Have you heard about it? Seasoned to perfection and ready-to-cook meats like spare ribs, pork loin, Mediterranean chicken breasts, large lump crab cakes, bacon wrapped stuffed shrimp, even fried and barbecued chicken. Delicious soups like broccoli cheese, tomato bisque. Delicious seafood gumbo. You can buy all those by the gallon. All sorts of party trays, salads by the pound like chicken, tuna, check out Naaman's catering. Delicious and convenient to go menu at Naaman's catering.com. You know what's filling my heart with joy? Folks have started taking my advice. They're calling 473-3900. They ask for Thomas Naaman and request that he personally guide them through the contents of the takeout freezer. Wouldn't you like to have your own personal catered freezer concierge? Yeah, you would. Call them up. Let Naaman's get dinner ready so you don't have to. This is Jolene Roxbury here to inform you of a very serious problem in your work. Housework is spreading at an alarmingly rapid rate. Housework usually appears harmless, beginning with only one room, your kitchen, for example, and can spread quickly to other parts of your home, your bathroom, the den, Uncle Rob's study, the children's playroom, and even the front living room at Grandma's house that no one uses except for company or when someone from church comes to visit. If you're not careful, housework can take over your entire life and keep you from doing the things you love, shopping, watching TV and talking with your friends on the phone for hours at a time. Don't let this happen to you. Extreme cases of housework have been reported, wherein a person's entire social life has been wiped out for weeks at a time and, if gone untreated, can last for months, even years. Here at the Jolene Roxbury variety hour, our listeners are like family to us, and we want you to protect yourself. If you feel the need to start housework, stop immediately. If you should come in contact with any housework, go straight to your nearest pharmacy and purchase large quantities of the only antidote, pure milk chocolate. Please, please help us stamp out housework by getting this message to at least five of your friends today. If you realize you do not have five friends, you are most likely already infected. Help stop the housework virus before it stops you. Ponies are wonderful to own. They playfully prance and leap across the field, bringing joy to all who watch them. Friendly outgoing, good with kids, but not perfect. If only those ponies were unicorns. But wait, now your ponies can become unicorns easily the bellco insta-uniket. This insta-uniket has everything you need to turn boring, ordinary, blah, dime a dozen ponies into unicorns. The only animals that can bring joy to one and all as they playfully prance and leap across the field. One unicorn horn, ruler, fast-hole glue, and pony sedatives. Just knock out your pony, find the center of its forehead with the ruler, apply the glue, and stick on the magical horn. There are lots of different unicorn horns to choose from. Twisty, sparkly, long, short, dull, and really, really, really sharp. The bellco insta-uniket is only $99.99 and has everything you need. Pony's not included. Or order the deluxe insta-uniket for only $99.99. That includes canvas spray paint to make your unicorn into any color of the rainbow. I love pink fluffy unicorns. So turn your common, ugly, potentially dangerous pony into something wonderful, magical, and loved by all. At bellco, we believe in unicorns and that there's one born every minute. Remember, 90 days, same as three months. It's Rox-Tober, dude, and you're listening to the Jolene Roxbury variety hour. You get that, see Rox-Tober, see like Jolene Roxbury. Stop, stop, stop. It's not October. Wait, wait, wait, wait, what? It's still September. I thought this was October. It seems like it. Haven't we had, like, seven weeks of September already? Yeah. 60 days, half September, April, June. Yeah, I knew it. I knew it. 60 days. Okay, dude. Whatever. You can do your Rox-Tober thing next weekend. I'm Jolene Roxbury, thanks for taking us along with you, sharing some of your very special me time, because, you know, there are a lot of things you could do with your me time. Usually, people share their time with us when they're doing something else, like driving, cleaning house. Let's see, what John, what's another big one? Oh, yard work. Yeah, that's a big one. I had a guy in Baldwin County right in last week. And we've heard this one before. They'd listen when they're out on their tractor. Oh, and you know, one lady wrote, which I can seriously identify with this one. She said she hasn't saw me a lot, so she'll go to FMTalk1065.com, and she listens to all of the podcasts, not just of this show, but other shows that she might just want to hear again, or some she may have missed. Let me get this, pull this up. She said, yes, yes, sometimes she misses out on the plane gardening with Bill Finch, yes. Okay, so she'll listen to that in the middle of the night. So that's great. We'll take you anyway, we can get you. And also, remember to download the FMTalk1065 app. I mean, it's all at your fingertips on the website as well, but the app is really meant for that kind of stuff. The podcasts are all right there, and easily accessible. And the same person wrote into us, her name is Brenda Wells. She wrote in asking if we would revisit, okay, we did this last week. Our episode of Intermutual Radio that is so not a parody of NPR, we would never make fun of somebody like that. Never would. So hey, if somebody takes the time to message us and make a special request, we're going to do it. Back into the past of last week and maybe farther. I don't know. I lose track. It's time to crank up the Jolene Roxbury Wayback Machine. Good afternoon, everyone. I'm Margaret Maldoon. And you're listening to Intermutual Radio. The last selection was a track from the Boston Modern orchestral accumulation. It's the title tracked from their latest compilation CD, "Visual Sightings." I would first like to thank every one of our members who has pledged a financial contribution to our station's latest financial quandary and predicament fundraiser. We refer to our listeners as members in the hopes you will feel the sense of responsibility and mindfulness to our budget, which appears to continually escape the grasp of management. And for your pledge of just $25, you will receive a gourmet gift basket filled with dark chocolate coordinates from Basketpalooza. I'm most contented to have in the studio with me today a very intermittent, yet very enjoyable guest, Derek from adequate interiors. Hello, Derek. Thank you, Margaret. What have you brought with you today, Derek? Today I bring to you an array of very large squash. So you're a gourd of the jungle of sorts. That's very amusing, Margaret. These squashes range in warm and brilliant shades of orange, red, and yellow, gold or flame-colored. How can we adequately decorate our home with these squashes? Well, Margaret, you begin by finding a simple bamboo-colored bamboo tray and arrange them haphazardly in the center. Then place them on a random piece of furniture on your home. Derek, why squash? Because nothing says autumn quite like an unexpected pile of squash. Thank you so much, Derek. This is Margaret Maldoon. Remember, we need your help to keep our great programming on the air. Now, stay tuned for Vintage Checkbook Covers on the intramutral ratio. You know, it's not always easy to get through those things. They don't just happen on the first go-around all the time. Because nothing says autumn quite like an unexpected pile. Can you do it? Because nothing says autumn. Because nothing says autumn quite like an unexpected pile. Okay, I'm going to get it. I'll do it first. No, I can do this. Because nothing says autumn quite like an unexpected pile of squash. Good boy. Good day. It's time for another in our series of lessons on how to best communicate in Alabama, USA. Sometime during your stay in this colorful region, you may wish to visit some area restaurants to soak up a little local color and grease. Ordering food in Alabama is extremely simple. Simply say the word "gim" followed by what you want. For instance, if you want a delightful ground beef patty on a roll, garnished with garden fresh lettuce and tomato, you simply say "Gim a burger." Please repeat the following. "Gim two wangs, pint a slaw and a bar." Do you know what you just ordered? Believe it or not, you'll get a chicken dinner plus a beverage. Our time has won out. "Gim" a few minutes next time, and... "Slong the Jolene Roxbury variety hour." ♪♪ Hi, this is Mobile County Sheriff Paul Birch. Preserving and securing the safety of the people of Mobile County is a very rewarding job, but it can also be stressful and demanding. Laughter has been shown to lower blood pressure by releasing endorphins, which counteract the negative effects of stress. In law enforcement, that's a very valuable tool to have. One way we fight stress is by tuning into the Jolene Roxbury variety hour. Join us every weekend on FM Talk 106-5. Thank you so much, Sheriff. That means a lot. Could I get you to change one thing, though? We'd like to say laughter releases engulfens. Jolene, I grew up on the Gulf Coast and spent a lot of time on the water, and I've never seen an endorphin. Oh, they're not in the water. They're invisible. They come out when you laugh. Oh, okay. ♪♪ Hi. I'm a high-strung teenager, and even I listen to the Jolene Roxbury variety hour 'cause they're all unbalanced, emotional, and weird. Just like me. You're working my last nerve, you know that. [ Laughter ] You're playing on the microphone. Hey, it's Camellia. Hey, everybody, it's my sister, Camellia. I see that you called me. I did. I did. I need your help. You realize I'm at work. Yeah. Told me before that you like helping out on the show. You do enjoy it, right? Really, no. We didn't get any questions for our own Martha Stewart this week, so I need you to ask her a question. I don't want to do that. Do it for me. No. Just a quick question. You know I don't like to do that kind of stuff. It's just one question. I texted it till you just read it. Okay, fine. And make it sound believable, you know, like you're really interested. And now a question for our very own Martha Stewart. I'd like to hear some new fall decorating tips. All right, is that enough? Yes, I guess. We'll have to do. I want to ask you again. Bye. All right, talk to you later. Bye. You know, Rodney Dangerfield said it. No truer line has ever been spoken. I don't get no respect. But you know what? I'm not going to let that get me down. Why? Because we have our very own Martha Stewart on the line with us this week helping us transition. I guess I need to clarify that. Transition into fall. Sometimes it can feel very disingenuous doing that because, well, as we all know, we've got hella hot temperatures here in the deep south, sometimes way into October. Martha! Martha! Hello, dear. What you got for us this week? As you may know, some autumnal decor elements are practically perennial. And by that, you mean using some of the stuff that I have around here all year long for my fall decorating? Correct. Good. I'm sure you've been under a lot of stress trying to figure out how to incorporate these elements into your home decor every year, but with a new spin. It's not something that worries me all the time or anything. Your worries are over. Okay. Fortunately, if you have found yourself in a seasonal slump, I'm here to help you out with a few new takes on fall decorating trends that are simple yet impactful. Okay. Not your typical fall decor. We'll be switching things up a bit. All right. What you got in mind? I'm thinking jewel tones, cozy textures, and cinnamon laced fragrances. Hey, y'all, did you know there are 15 different things you can do with half a mason jar and a skink tail? Oh, good Lord. Everybody, it's Paula Dean. Can we move forward? Hey, I'm just trying to help out everybody's on a Bridget these days. Did you just say Bridget? Just move on, Jolie. As far as fall colors, games, and themes, you can get inspired by your immediate surroundings without much fanfare or a do. Okay. Perhaps looking no further than your spicy rack. My what? What did I say? You said to look at my spicy rack. Your kitchen spice rack, dear. Oh, okay. Sounds better. So what's my spice rack going to give me? Color inspiration from spices such as turmeric curry. Remember, I can't have curry. It makes me chew. Curry makes me chew, chew, chew, chew. Red cayenne. Prika. And, of course, the ever popular pumpkin spice. You got all these ideas in one spot, maybe? You will find wonderful, autumn-ly inspiration from all the straight experts. What? What did I say? You said from the straight experts. Straight from the experts. Okay. All right. How are we going to get stuff straight from the experts? By just visiting my website. All right. As long as it's free. What kind of, do I have like a long checklist that I should have already completed or what? Yeah. You should have already removed the super lush blooms of spring and summer. Okay. And replaced them with more trending autumn-ly. You said that word twice now. Autumn-ly. Sounds funny. I don't know. I like using the word. That's just one of them $50 name-tucket words. Trending autumn-ly. So you just did it again. I'm telling you. Shut up. Yeah, don't keep doing that. So autumn-noal floral arrangements should be well entrenched into embracing the cusp of the fall seasoned with elegance and unexpected elements. You mean like all these bean cans? I've been saving all summer. I spray painted my orange in some of my white antique white. I don't think that's what she's talking about. What about stuff for arrangements? I recommend using thin branches about three feet long within your autumn display. I think three feet's way too long. I take up them and you slap half my people. Do you mind? I do actually. I do. Just pop out to your backyard. Or alleyway if you're a city dweller. Do you know how nasty branches are from an alleyway? Have you ever watched "Law and Order" NYU? You can use trimmers to cut long branches. That's not a show. Wait a minute. I said that wrong. What am I going to do with all these orange bean cans? It's only do you have the number for Tre Bennett from 1-800 Gotchunk. I do. They've done work for me. Love them. They've run out of time. I'll speak to you soon, dear. What about all these copper colored pop cleaners? Isn't there something that needs the country fried out of it right about now? I do have some pork chops because we are not eight in fish again. Please leave. Thank you our very own Martha Stewart and holiday. Did you know that Joe Lean and the Roxbury players do their entire show in the nude? It's a good thing we never installed that webcam. Hello. I'm Albert Einstein. You may remember me by my theory of relativity. E equals MC squared. You probably don't understand it, but you remember it. Simply put for the simple minds behind this show. It means that time changes based on what is happening. For instance, this song. It's the pumpkin patch poker. In reality, this song is just a minute long, but let's face it. It seems like ours, right? Oh my God. I don't believe it isn't over yet. If you are eating ice cream or a bowl of fresh grits, a minute would fly by. But this song, it goes on for him. The pumpkin patch poker. Let's dance. No, let's not. The pumpkin patch poker. This is the longest minute since my last old canal. Can we speed this up somehow? Give us a break. Shake your, shake your, don't you? I have no words. I stepped away to get a cup of coffee, and you do that. And it is just one minute long. It's just one minute long. Sixty seconds. I don't even know what to say. Deep down these guys, they don't like that song, and they don't like it when I play it. It's time to crank up the Jolene Roxbury Wayback Machine. Hello, this is Jolene. Hi, Jolene. It's Mom. Hey, Mom. Hi, Jimmy. Hi. You know I love that Jimmy Weaver. We all do. Look, baby. I wanted to leave, you know. I'm getting ready to make my famous pumpkin nut muffins. Good. Yeah. That's great. Well, it would be, but I can't find my pumpkin shaped muffin pan. I don't remember any pumpkin shaped muffin pans. The ones where I can make 24 perfect little pumpkin muffins at a time. I haven't seen them. Well, you had them last. No, I was talking about Thanksgiving last year. No, she didn't. Yes, she did. No. Yes. I don't have them. I specifically remember loaning them to you last year. Well, I didn't have time to use those. Well, I'm not saying you used them. I'm just saying you're the last one to have them. No, I didn't. You're welcome to come look. I distinctly remember you asking me for them way back in July. Remember that? Yeah, and you remember I had to lecture you on the proper care of vintage Teflon pans, Joey? I remember the lecture, but I don't remember the pumpkin pans. No. The last time I got those things back, they still had that baked on muffin ring around each cup. You know, we're part of the muffins left on there and it gets real hard. Yeah, I know. I hated when stuff gets that crusty. It gets really hard. You could lay brick with it, Joey. Mm-hmm. You have to soak the pan after you use it, Joey. You girls never soak anything. I know. You just throw it in the dishwasher and however it comes out, well, that's just fine with you. There's nothing wrong with soaking something in the sink, Joey. I know. You have to soak a dish. I know. I know. What else is going on? Well, I'm decorating the front door. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You have to go back to the craft store to get some more of that bendable ribbon. Yeah. You know the kind I make my Christmas bows with? Yeah. Well, I thought you had a big box of that bendable ribbon. Well, I did, but the cat peed all over that box. So great through it. It does tend to do that, doesn't it? I can't tie that stuff around the lights. Can't you just let it dry out? Have you ever smelled hot cat, you're in, Joey? Can't say that I have, no. It's sick. So what else is going on? I need you to stop by the drugstore for me. Oh, of course. I gotta have 14 prescriptions you need to pick up. At least. Where are they? Oh, they're not all at one place. There's a couple at Walgreens. Yeah. And there's some over at the CVS. Okay. Oh, and don't forget the one that's at the local drugstore on the corner there. Uh-huh. You know, it's been owned by the same family for about 50 years, so I like to give them some business. Yeah, okay. And listen, make sure you go to all these places yourself, okay? What do you mean? Well, you weren't there the last time and Jimmy picked him up for me. He bought me the wrong brand of lady pants. I don't think he can read. You send him to pick up your personal things? Yeah, well, I know better now. Okay. So I need you to pick me up some of those too. I'll do it. Okay. And you can pick us both up a pumpkin spice latte on the way. And now that make it skinny business for me. I want all the whipped cream, all the sugar. And if there's any kind of chocolate syrup available, well, put that on there too. Okay. Love you, baby. Love you too, mama. Are you in debt? Then call 1-800-555-5555. Yes, sir. Call 1-800-555-5555. That number again is 1-800-555-5555. So you say you're in debt. Well, those people in debt should call this number. 555-855-5555. So if you're in debt and you want to get out of debt, then you might want to call 851-555-5555. 555-5555. That number again, 805-555-5555. 585-58-505-5855. Hold on. The phone is ringing. Hello? Hello? What's that number again? I'm glad you asked. Number is 800-555-5555-5555. Don't take my word for it. Here's my wife and business partner, 800. And introduce our children, honey. Here's 5. Hello. 5-5. Hello. And 5-5-5-5-5-5-5-5. And in case you've forgotten, that number to call is 800-555-5555-5555. Say goodbye, dear. Bye. Bye. This is Jolene's mother with a very important message from Naaman's catering. Naaman's delicious menu to go. Have you heard about it? Season to perfection and ready-to-cook meats, like spare ribs, pork loin, Mediterranean chicken breasts. Even fried and barbecued chicken. Delicious soups like tomato bisque. Delicious seafood gumbo. You can buy all those by the gallon. Balance by the pound like chicken, tuna, check out Naaman's catering. Delicious and convenient to go menu at Naaman's catering.com. You know what's filling my heart with joy. Folks have started taking my advice. They're calling 473-3900. They ask for Thomas Naaman and request that he personally guide them through the contents of the takeout freezer. Wouldn't you like to have your own personal catered freezer concierge? Yeah, you would. Call them up. Let Naaman's get dinner ready, so you don't have to. The Jolene Roxbury for an hour. Roxbury. And now, live from her kitchen, beachside on Alabama's beautiful Gulf Coast. The woman who loves to eat but hates to cook. Actually, she doesn't know how to cook. Bell caddoo! Greetings, everyone. This is Bell caddoo. Welcome to our beachside kitchen, which, as you know, this time of year, we are in the stadium parking lot. I don't hang out much in parking lots, but during football season and baseball season, that's mostly where you'll find me. And to my left, the only man allowed anywhere near my buns and burners, the inevitable Chef Alec Naaman. Hello, dear. Hey, Bill. It's good to see you. Good to be here. If I need to interject, Jolene has let us get all a kimbo with our show clock today. I have not. I just rearranged some things. This doesn't affect you at all. Everything is well in your kitchen. Well, that's just fine. Then I'll rearrange some things, too. Go ahead. You've had a few messages come in on our show Facebook page. And if you don't follow us already on Facebook, you should because you can message us from there. So a lot of folks have written in and they're asking about marinades because we are in the height of grilling season. A lot of folks would say summertime is grilling season, but it's just too hot outside for me. To me, there's nothing like firing up the grill on a chilly football Saturday. So how are you addressing our marinade issue today? Okay, it's that time of year. You know, this time of year, it's not about what you cook, whether it be some poultry, some beef, some fish. I mean, it don't matter what you cook. The secret is how you create the flavor. So that's what I want to talk to you all today about creating flavor. Like marinade. All right? For a little zest and a little zing and a little zip and a little zow and a while. Okay, any. Marinades are seasoned liquids. Okay, that's basically what they are. They liven up the flavor of poultry, meat, fish, and the length of time a food has marinated. Can create some kind of substantial result. Now, whether you cooked or uncooked, marinades contain acidic ingredients. I mean, you know, like wine and citrus juices and vinegars. These are the things you marinate. Even things like Worcestershire has got a vinegar base in it. And you use wines. You use some things you'd marinate with lemon juice or orange juice or pineapple juice when you want for that Caribbean type flavor. Those kind of things like wine and citrus juices and vinegars. They enhance in exchange of flavors. Now, I'm using all these big words and trying to sound sophisticated, of course. But some cooks debate me. Whether or not a marinade actually tenderizes or simply makes food mushy. How about marinade with some corn sweet bourbon? That adds some pizzazz to some barbecued marinades when you hit it with a tad of bourbon, you know? Now, you got to hit it where it reduces down. You want that alcohol flavor to go away. You just want the sugars from the, you know, because that's how they make alcohol. I just hate to tell you how it starts with sugar, okay? Along with some hops and some other things, okay? So, use a glass or a stainless steel container for marinating because other containers, like aluminum foil pans and things like that. And even pirate, not pirate, what do you call them? A teflon may react with the acids in your marinade. And likewise, you should use like a stainless steel or spoon or wooden spoon because ceramic type container may contain lead. Lead can harm you, which can be absorbed by the marinades, okay? So, when making a marinade, figure six to eight tablespoons of food for each pound of food. Always chill a marinade that has been cooked. A warmed marinade raises the temperature of the food to be cooked, okay? So, you want to chill your marinade. If you've made something that you've heated up, all right, like you kind of made you something and you blended it all together and you heated it up to get it to blend and then you, then you got to cool it before you can pour it over your meat or your fish or whatever. But usually I marinate my stuffed coal and then I heat the marinade up to kill any bacteria that may have come from it from having the raw meat or the raw fish or raw item, you know, marinade. Because I do like to use the marinades as a sauce after the fact, but you do have to bring it to a boil to kill any bacteria that may have grown. So, if you are using a marinade as a finishing sauce, like I just described, make sure it's been boiled to kill bacteria from the marinading food. Ready-made vinaigrette, make great marinades. All right, I just, I mean, people just say I'm a poor Caesar dressing over my fish and make a Caesar fish. But they say, give me some Italian dressing or, you know, that Russian dressing or French dressing and they whip it up with some soy sauce or whatever. So, yes, I agree, vinaigrette do make great marinade. A quick and easy solution to concocting your own. They'll think, man, how did you make it taste like this? Well, wishbone's got a pretty good deal going on right now down to the grocery store. It's a buy one, get one, free today. Go in here. So, after marinade, so after marinading the food, you know, you pat it dry to make sure it browns correctly. Because here's the deal, you take it out of the marinade and it's basically got this coat on outside. You meat may not brown properly or fast enough. For your fish, if you're pan-serine or you're baking or you're grilling, it may take too long to go. So, you want to pat dry, you know, that you meat before you slap it over. Then it'll brown on the outside really nice. Because you're going to put this marinade back on it so it won't matter if you pat it off. All right, to completely cover a food with this marinade, place both the marinade and the food and the meat, the fish, whatever. In a well-silled plastic food storage bag. Turn the bag to coat the food evenly, repeat the process every now and then while the food is marinade in the refrigerator. And that's the key word in the refrigerator, right? All right, so basically just a quick little timing on things. For best results, follow my guide, 'cause I'm a good guy. I'm a good guy, I'm a good guy, or whatever you want. Whether you're grilling or oven brawling, always refrigerate food while they marinade. Okay, don't marinate the most you can marinate your beef for no more than 24 hours. Anywhere from 30 minutes to 24 hours is it on beef, on pork, no more than 12 hours, you know, 30 minutes to 12 hours. On chicken with the skin on, you can marinate it up to 12 hours. Skinless chicken like a piece of boneless skinless chicken breast, no more than two to three hours. And fish, no more than 30 minutes. Fish is so delicate and so light, anything more than 30 minutes in a marinade. Well, cook your fish, you'll be able to eat it without turning on the stove. If you hear me, you can eat it without turning on the stove. All right, well, that's my tips of the day. I hope you don't burn it. That's what I say, 'cause I'll always say, if you ain't burning, you ain't cooking. Thank y'all and enjoy. God bless 'em there. The Jolene Roxbury Variety Hour contains copyrighted material and cannot be duplicated or rebroadcast in whole or in part without the express written consent of Macadow Productions. We love you, America. Join us next time for more Jolene Roxbury Variety Hour. I'm Mr. Announcer. Have a great week, we'll see you soon. [GIGGLING]