We are joined in the shed by the holy Bebe Cave. This week we discuss one man’s fight to save the whales, Phil Schofield’s TV comeback and Bebe gets in a fight at the theatre.
Boys Gone Wild
Boys Gone Wild | Episode 241: Free Paul Watson (with Bebe Cave)
(upbeat music) - Hello, and welcome back to another episode of "Boys Gone Wild." I'm joined here with my co-host, Andrew Cohen. - Hello! - Wonderful guest. - Look at him here. - We've got a wonderful guest in the studio today. It is the one and only BBK. She's an actress. She's a lover. - She's a children's author for some. How you doing, BB? - I'm very well. Thank you, Rasha. - Good to have you on the podcast back in the studio. - Yes, a new studio this time. And it's only got a few Beatles and a little spoiler. It looks like a dead octopus up there and-- - Bullet holes. - Bullet holes. - Someone did say look like we were captured by hostages. We were hostage. - Did that. - Yeah. - I do think that's fair. - The holes in the back are, we don't know what they're for. They're just there. I'm sure people are hanging stuff up on it before. - There's holes there. - But it doesn't, yeah. But I'm hanging a lot of things up. - Maybe you guys should do a poll for your viewers as to what mural should be painted on the back of the world. - We kind of have on the Patreon. - And it didn't go well. - It didn't go well. - It didn't go well. - Never open things up to them. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a generous. Don't worry. I took a look at the audience. You're like, oh God, I was like, I good night. - Yes. Thank you for coming to the lipods this week. It was good to see you all out and forth. Yeah, what did you think of our demographics? 'Cause BBK was on the tech. - Yeah. - I think the technology is for anyone that was there and I was into a great job. Every time I try to make videos into full screen, it would like end with the program. - It was gutting. - Yeah. - It really did. It was horrible. - It really did. - So the first half of the tail spin arguably. I've never recovered. - I always find it funny watching all the people come in and there were way more girls than I was expecting. - Right. - This is. - Oh, it was less girls than, you know. - I couldn't see anything. - Yeah. - It's annoying 'cause you don't, I don't really get to see the demographic. I don't know how you can see it from there. - It could just see like. - Shout out to Bertie. Bertie was a cool girl that I met there and she was very nice. And yeah, all of the girls had like nice coats on and shoes. - Coats and shoes. - Yeah. - If you can believe it. - It's pretty good. - If you can package D off. - Yeah. - And the boys were sort of of the shaggy head sort of like cool variety. I mean, a couple of gillets. A couple sort of, you know, more smart, sort of they're probably 20 years old but they have like the confidence of their seven to five. - As far like people who are doing better financially than us. - Yeah. - Cleaner haircut. - But also it kind of. - That's how I understand wealth now though. - Yeah, it was a very young, it was a very young room. - Yeah, it seems so. - I don't know. I thought it was, it's not that I don't believe in you guys. I think you guys are amazing obviously. But as it was all filling in and then people having to like stand at the back 'cause they weren't seats and everything like that. It was cool. I felt very like, you know, proud. I felt like, like. - That's a minute girl. - You know, one of the wags or something. - Yeah. - You're a podcast wag. - Yeah. - A pod wag. - Pretty low down on the wag. - I'm a bag. I'm a bag. - Just a little bit of a party. - A little bit of a party. (laughing) - I want to be a part. - One more. - So yeah, I really enjoyed it. I think you guys did a fabulous job and thank you for having me back again on the podcast. - Of course. Well, we're getting you on the pod because you have a show in two weeks time. Is it? So this is coming out this Friday. - Yeah, this is coming out this Friday. So it's October, Spookdober. And what better to do in the spooky season than-- - Is there anything spookier? - Then a desperate actress. (laughing) My show's gonna be at the Pleasance in London. - Islington. - Islington. And it's about a desperate actress in Old Hollywood in the 1930s. And it's a sort of parody spoof of a screwball comedy. - Why did you get the, how did you get into that role? It must've been a huge jump for you. (laughing) - You're taking the first. - No, God, though. - I feel like you're playing this role as what? So like an unhinged desperate actress. - I know, I just think the thing is, well, I-- - I've never seen more of a jump. That's what I've had a major. It was like watching my left foot. - Yeah, exactly. - Or like gravity. - It's like like going into space. - It's the opposite of Sean Penn having to go on the cover for three years to go. (laughing) - I had to go over to the cover for one minute to be able to fucking come up with a theme for this show. Yeah, I think they always say that you should write about what you know. - Yeah. - And when I knew-- - Not who you blow. - Yeah, exactly. - That's the second part of that, right? - Yeah. - And often missed. - Off missed. - Off missed. - Yeah. - I just thought, you know, I think I've been told in the past with regards to like writing projects that stuff about actors and performers can be unrelatable, like it's some, maybe that people don't mind it interesting because it's like a bit cut off from reality, you know? People, but I knew that I just, I find it all really interesting. And I think that like people who, Jesus Christ, is that a giant beetle in the corner? - Yeah. - Not a shelf, just that. - Yeah. - Fucking hell. - Oh God, that's horrible. - No, God. - It is spooked over. - I can't see it. - The one on the shelf there, the brown one just there. - Is that a beetle? - It's not a beetle. - No. - I think that's a stain. - It's grass. - It's grass. - It's grass. - Apologies. - Spooktobas. - Spooktobas begins. And yeah, I just thought ultimately, it's just a show about what happens to somebody when they are so desperate to be something, you know, be a star. That can be a horror story in its own way. But it's hopefully funny and I had a really good time with that Edinburgh French. So if anybody is in London on the 17th, 18th, the 19th of October and they would like to come see, please come, come down. - Tickets below. - Tickets below, tickets below, tickets below. Smash that like button. - Smash that like button and subscribe. - I'm just gonna take my tour date. - Yeah. - And I'll be there on Saturday. - Yeah, I'm just gonna be there on Saturday. I can't say hi to Andrew. - Drunk. - You're drinking a lot of alcohol. - It's a Saturday. - We might go out after so you can come dance with us. - Okay. - But yeah, it feels-- - This doesn't make any fucking sense. - Well, do come dance with us. - I guess we started speaking to a lot of our fans at LiPo, which is really nice. One funny theme that emerged is that there seems to be a huge amount of people who seem to believe that-- - There's a misunderstanding. - Yeah. - Do you wanna explain this? - The misunderstanding is that I have a passion for financial pride and that my passion for financial crime is the only thing stopping me from doing comedy full-time. The answer to that is money is the truth. It's a lot of people are like, yeah, you should-- - A lot of them think you're lacking confidence in that it's just, you know what, you're funny. - If this is gonna be the push, I can't afford rent. - I can't afford rent. - How poor is it is? - I know, I think that I have something similar sometimes where people like come up to you when you're an actor or whatever and they'll be like, oh my God. You know, you should do films. I think that would be really good. - I do think so. - You know that Florence Pughal, you should do something like that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I do think films would really boost-- - Yeah, I think that, do you know what we got? - Yeah. - Oh, thank you, so poor. - Because at Red Carpets, there's good press-up. - There's a lot of photographers there. - No, tell you what, I can't believe I haven't got that. I can't fucking-- - So do you have to be in the film to do Red Carpets interviews? - No, please. - Well, I guess you could just turn up. You could have borrowed all your way in there. - Yeah, but do you have to be involved in the project? - You see TikTok influencers doing Red Carpets. You see, you know that fucking Ollie, what's his cunt? Ollie Bowe. - I mean, it sounds like all of the-- - He's gonna have that show of great-- - He's like a positive influencer and he's sort of like-- - Wait, it's about positivity. - It's insufferable, yeah. - Christ. - I don't know who you're talking about. - He does that shoulder thing. It's like that. It's all brought my shoulder, it's like that. - The one who wears the cool outfits. - Yeah, probably, he's got like curly hair and he's not from England. - Oh, no, I don't know. - I couldn't narrow that down but I can't. Australian, have you not seen him? - But could you break up? - He's doing Red Carpets now. - Yeah. - 'Cause all of them get invited to films. So then they'll post about it on their TikTok. - I get that. I mean, we were sort of invited to a promotional event for everyone's favorite film, Kevin Hart's flight. - Lift. - Lift. - Lift. - You got the note. - I watched it. - You actually watched it. Yeah. - The advertising did work on you. - Yeah. - But he was literally invited to the event moment. - With Kevin Hart now, I guess I'll watch it. It was a push though. - Roger, they had to do that to every person they wanted to watch the film, that would cost a lot of money. - What, if you had to invite everyone to the film and pay for that? - They would do a little Q&A. - They'd probably lose money, yeah. - Yeah, I think so. - I don't think about it, but. - But anyway, yeah, I feel like that happens a lot to performers when, and obviously, the industry is like a weird, mysterious thing, and yeah, I guess you have to have suffered and sort of be a part of it to know how difficult it is to actually, you know, get those types of things. - Great even. - But it's interesting that people do that with you as well. - Yeah, yeah, it's kind of a consistent thing. - The comedy angle, yeah. - It's very difficult to do anything full time, you know? - People that know me for the podcast are kind of shot that I have a job. - The people that know me from the sketches shop that I have a job, I've confused that. - You could be, actually, mean the same thing for both. - I suppose I do. - Yeah, I think you meant the same thing for both. - Well, I'm shocked that you have any jobs. - Yeah, yeah. - I don't know, it is the same thing. There's no difference. - Our flatmate, Matt, who maybe you live with, we talked about, the guy at the ACL injury was wearing socks with Big Ben on them today, and it really made me laugh. - He was wearing London socks, and he wasn't doing it ironically, I don't think. - He got the London look. - How on show were his socks? - Very on show. - What was he wearing? - What was he wearing? - No shoes on. - Was this around the house? - Around the house. - But we've only managed to-- - You've gone out with it. - We've gone out with it. - We've gone out with it. - Take his shoes off when he comes inside. I mean, he's the kind of guy that wears like, he will wear jeans, sit and bolt up right on the sofa. He doesn't own fair and comfy clothes. It's crazy. He's sitting at the tracksuit bottom, but they had a tapered leg. - What shoes is he wearing? - I mean, he would wear a three-piece suit. - I know. - Yeah. - To go to sleep in. - He's a four more, four more young man. And that's why we like him, you know? You pack him away like a fold away chair, but it's like, he doesn't need to start to learn how to relax. Me and Horatio are basically experts on relaxing. - Yeah, it's very rare that trousers are even on. - Yeah, true. - Try those legs. - Try those legs. - It's like a sexy way. - I love them. - I mean in the lazy way. - And in all road, if he's wearing them around the house, leave the fucker alone. - No, no, 'cause he's-- - He's been the fucker alone, all right? - Maybe he came from outside and he took his shoes off. - What outfit was he wearing? - He was wearing-- - Cream jumper that he-- - Just more. - And then brown trousers. - Brown trousers, how high were the trousers? - Hi, quite high. - Hi, socks on show. - The socks were on show and he went out. - You can see Big Ben. - But yeah, do you want to see the conversation about your socks? I tried to intervene about your socks. - It was an interesting take, actually. And I actually, I ruminate on it. I'm not sure if I agree, but I-- - I think you made a compelling case. - What's your issue with Horatio's socks? - I think he wears too many colorful socks. - And now, this does apply to men because BB is one of the most childish sock-wearrs I've ever been in. - It's like a quirky, chunky, charming thing with a woman. - I mean, look at this, not him. - A light blue, backward sock. Do you, is it a pair? Let's see what the other one-- - It is a pair today. - Is it? - It is a pair. - What a treat. - I knew the one is done. - That is actually unbelievable. That's a very rare-- - I knew it was gonna be broadcasting. - Sometimes have a thick, wooly, one of my walking socks, which is like halfway up a leg and a trainer sock. I've seen that combo. Like, she is the most unhinged sock-wearing that I've ever seen out of anyone. - Yeah, but you're obsessed with wearing any white socks, I thought. - Well, no, this is what I was trying to tell him. I think, particularly, I don't know, I don't think you can have that mustache, the nose and the hair, and wear autumn autumnal socks for the majority of time. - I like a color palette, right? - Yeah, I think you think you're in an indie film, too. You just like-- - Your garden stay. - Wake up. - Yeah. - Face the real world, and wear white socks most of the time. I do think it would like-- - No, but you think it's a posh boy thing? - No, I think it doesn't help. I don't think anyone who is not posh is wearing burnt orange socks to go to a pub. - That's true. - I think that's a fact. - That's true. - But I don't wear any-- Look, I think there's a charm to it. Don't get me wrong. But I think maybe-- - There's a whimsy to it. - There's a whimsy. - I mean-- - It's 'cause it's Mr. Fox. - It's very cartoon character. It's like, yeah. - They don't wear in blue socks, they're not. They're colored, but they're not-- - I get it, look, I don't hate them. - I just feel like a white sock would be far better there. - And also it means that they always match, right? - Yeah. - Yeah. - But it's just a joke. - We do. - We do, we do, we do. - But on this pod-- - Live. (laughing) - That's a page on this flip side. - We buy a ratio of socks. - We're still adjusting to, you know, like living with each other and everything like that. So it's-- - How long have you been living with each other? He asked, no, and the answer, because he's on a podcast. - It's been about three months, right? Although, I mean, I guess we're living together in Edinburgh, but in the flat, only really about two months. But I think that it's been working out so well, so far. - It's been nice. - And that's been really, really nice. - And Matt's a good person to have as your kind of-- - 'Cause he's like a ghost. - He's like a ghost. - I mean, I never hear him into a room. - I've had too description of him as a, like, you can fold him. He's like a fold away chair. - He is like a fold away chair. - Yeah. - In like the nicest, most flattering way that I could possibly say, sorry, Matt. - He spooks me sometimes. - He really didn't like it when I compared him to Morty from Rick and Morty once. Like, he really, really didn't like that, so-- - Well, he's banged up. - It's like a crude opportunity. - He does a lot of voice breaks, which are quite funny. He has the most voice breaks of any adult I've ever met in my life. - Yeah. - He just comes out, that's the first thing he says. - He really reminds me of one of my siblings. I think 'cause he has a big family too. - Yeah. - He just has, like, a way about him that I find very comfortable to be around. And I like the fact that sometimes if I'm halfway through watching a TV show and he comes in from somewhere and sits down, when he, when I say, oh, is it okay that I keep watching this? And he's like, oh, it's fine. I know that it's actually fine, you know? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And some people, it wouldn't be fine. With some people, they'd sit down on the sofa, you got 15 minutes left, and they'd be like, come on. Can we just watch something, something fresh? With Matt, I genuinely know that he means it when he says, no, let's continue watching this. - You want honesty with a house, mate. - But he's just very, very kind, very sincere person. - My problem is, is when we try to find something to watch in the evening, he's never suggested one thing. - No, it's true. - And I suggest something, and whatever he said, I say, what do you wanna watch? And then I say it with him 'cause I know he's gonna say, don't mind, really. And I say I don't mind, as he says, 'cause he's only ever said I don't mind, really. - Yeah, I wouldn't expect the man who's wearing big Ben Socks around London to have a lot of good suggestions of what's watching the evening. He sounds like quite, if I didn't know him, he sounds like quite a vanilla carrot. 'Cause he's wearing the same thing as trying these toys. - He's got so many hobbies, he's always out under a bridge somewhere if I can learn how to avoid her. - Yeah, I think big Ben Socks, okay, if you're in Bangkok, then big Ben Socks are probably kind of interesting, right? - I think that, I think they'd love it. - Yeah, I think, maybe that's a rule. You can't wear the sock of the city you're in, right? - No. - You can't wear any sort of merch this year. - If you're from there. - Look, there's a quiet charm to Taurus having iHeart London on their thesis. - That's a quiet charm to it. - You know, like they're having fun with it, do it. If you live here, there's something to be said about the irony of an iHeart London. - I think it's actually kind of cool. - There's something there. - But it is kind of annoying. - The big Ben Socks. - It's just a unicycle moustache irony. - It is, yeah, it is, it is. - But, I don't know, there's something, the wearing, the big Ben Sock is too subtle. It's like, it's full. - It's full. - But we're, we're here. Why are you, it's-- - It really made me laugh. - It's pride, though, hey, it's pride. - I'm gonna get tried to put a video, I got a video of the big Ben Sock. - Wow, London, the big city. - Oh, it really made, it really tickled me. - I think it's a lovely shade of yellow, personally. - Yeah. - I do think it's really nice. - I think a good way to describe him is that he does look like the kind of guy who potentially does all of his clothes shopping in Leicester Square, in the souvenir shop stores. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's just accidentally-- - He's coming out to wear a big Ben Sock in London. - Yeah, I don't know, yeah, he feels like he doesn't perch his clothing online, he just accidentally stumbles upon it. He'll just be out somewhere in a bit, "Oh, I need attention." - They were handing it home for free in a shopping store. - It's true, it's true. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You got an Instagram message. - Yeah, well, I've, I've actually, this has been over the last year and I've, I've had a similar issue with my uncle who sends, I remember my uncle who just would, I thought he didn't know what like meant and he'd just share it to me. - Oh yeah, I know that. - And so we'd share weird, a sort of eclectic mix of comedy reels. - Yeah. - Like normally people getting like, punched in a McDonald's, but then it'll mix in with like-- - Comedy. - A four and a half minute well-produced sketch about, you know, domestic, you know, comedy. So like, it'll be like something about the misses, you know? - Yeah, okay, relatable. - But never sending a message. So it'll just be like, at once a week. - The content's made for itself. - Yeah, exactly. And then I spoke to him at my sister's wedding and I turned out, yeah, he was like, "Oh, do you not like find the funny or anything?" Like he was wanting a response. - So he's a kind of curator. - Yeah, but this guy, who I also met at a wedding, didn't know where, really, didn't know who exactly he was. Basically my cousin married a French lady. And so I guess I met quite a lot of her family out in France for this wedding. And this guy who owns a, runs a vineyard, provided all the wine for the wedding, right? And then his vineyard has an account, right? - Yeah. - And he started sending me-- - Your uncle. - No, this is the uncle was the son who's done this in the past. This new French guy. - This is the vineyard owner. - Yeah. - This is a different wedding, different guy. - Yeah. - And over the last year, he kind of just, he would often send me that promotional content from the vineyard, kind of weird. And then he started sending me all of these reels in French about this like-- - Are you related to him? I missed that. - Not at all. - Okay. - Not at all. I don't even remember meeting him. I might have met him once. So I think he was like a boomer who once again didn't understand what sending a reel was. Or maybe he was doing it by accident, like was falling on the share button. So look, firstly-- - Yeah. - It's a lot of this sort of stuff. So entirely in French. - (speaks French) - Okay. - Let me see. - But don't know him. - How many likes has that got? - That's quite a lot. - Yeah, it's surprising. - Then he sent this, right? - Lots of dead killer whales. - Oh my goodness. - Yep. - See Shepard France. - They're walkers. - Then he sent-- (speaks French) - Okay. Paul Watson's come up twice. - Yeah, yeah. - Paul Watson's come up twice. - We have to see him now. - I don't speak any French. And then Paul Watson again. - Paul Watson again. Now, what's his name? - #FreePaulWatson. - Hold on. What is this man's name that's sending you? - It's not Paul Watson. - 'Cause that would have been fair. - No. - Who's Paul Watson? - Who's Paul Watson? - This guy is called domain com, right? And I then go finally, after this one, where it's just a textive friend. - When is domain coming? - No, but what was it? - Where would you say to a waiter? When is domain coming? (laughing) Look, you know what? I doubted it when you sent it. - I see this spelling. - Of the what? - Of the name. - Why? - Because it might not be your name, it might be a French word. - Who is Watson? No, no, it's a guy, it's a guy. So-- - Domain com, okay. - Right, so I-- - Sorry, my bad, sorry. - I then message back saying, are you sending me these by accident? 'Cause I'm kind of a bit, I think after what I'd had with my uncle, I'm a little bit sick, just constantly receiving random reels when no one justifies themselves. It's just like kind of weird and annoying behavior. And then he goes, non. (laughing) - Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry, I missed that. What was the first message you said? - Are you sending me these by accident? - Yeah. - And he goes, non, he's French. - Bad start. - I say, I don't speak French sadly. - Yeah. - He says, it's because he's important, right? So don't know what, and then I say, so I don't know what any of these mean. And he goes, bullwatson is Canadian. - Right, good start. - He is fighting for the ocean. And then I said, what do you want me to do? (laughing) To speak about him and his fight for the oceans. He is in jail in Greenland, waiting to be extradited in Japan. The Japanese want to kill more and more whales from this year than he sent me another one of bullwatson. - It looks like-- - Canadian, poor watson, right? And I said, have we met before? He said, yes, at the wedding of my sister Adele with Tom Cislassie, right? I thought so. Would you stop sending me reals entirely in French as I don't speak French? But I will look into poor watson. You're not a blager to do something for poor watson but I think that at the moment to stop the, it is the moment to stop industrial fishing. Okay, to stop French speech. - You know who's won? - Who? - Comme de May. - He's gone. - You've just spoken about poor watson on a podcast? - Yeah. - Look, I'm sure-- - He's done his-- - You've been in your way. - You've spoken about poor watson. - You've spoken about poor watson. - Congratulations. - Congratulations to me. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess so. And I don't mind giving poor watson a platform. He probably has been wrongly treated. He seems, you know. - Well, all our information about him is in French. - But it's funny to meet someone at wedding. We definitely didn't talk about anything about this. And then just a main line. Maybe it's because I have a bit more of a platform than other people. - Maybe it's very true, obviously. - And then he was like, we need to stop industrial fishing. It's like, I don't think he's heard the podcast. It's not exactly our main story. - I don't think we can know. - Back it into a sketch at the end. - I guess I don't like industrial fishing. I guess I'm really, you know, I'm not, that's not my shit. - You are a big fan of a Dover soul, though. - I do. I actually do like an episode. I like a white fish in general. - We spoke about it on the podcast before. - Yeah, well, three poor watson, I suppose. But no, it's definitely, it's definitely for the podcast. - Yeah. - Of course. Did you follow each other immediately when you first? - He's followed me. He started liking a lot of my, well, he did like a lot of my content. So he does feel like he's engaged with my content. - Right. - But maybe he just saw the, I guess it's sort of the cultural reach I have. That's probably what he latched onto. - Well, there's a moment on the next one. Is he knows if anyone's going to stop industrial fishing, it's going to be-- - But it's similar in a way to people, sort of, you know, assuming that Andrew should, you know, quit financial comedy to, financial crime. - Well, financial comedy could be now. - Well, we're talking. - That might be the answer be. - Well, let's think about human trafficking. (laughing) - What would you say about the thing about human trafficking is? - I haven't quite found the comedian counting there. (laughing) - That's obviously done by the Romanians. - It's similar to, yeah. Maybe he's seen a little bit of what you do and then is like, oh, well, then you can change policy. You can, you can reach a lot of people. - Yeah, I think I can change policy. - I don't think that you're going to be able to change anything. Any policy to do with the orcas. - Yeah. It's not really-- - What do they do? - I don't think I have like a hugely coastal land. - It turned out about the orcas. - There's some killing of wales. - Why are they killing the orcas? - Bloody for sport. - Really? - No, I don't know why they're killing orcas. - They're not eating. - They're just having a laugh. They are like, whatever. They're getting boozed up. That's fucking killing the orcas. - Well, I'm going to research, I'm going to research what they're doing to the orcas after this. - They're doing a lot of bad things in the ocean. - Thank you, Randy. - What should you say about free-poor-watson? - Yeah, free-poor-watson. - Free-poor-watson. - Should we hashtag free-poor-watson? - Hashtag fucking- - Everyone. - No, I won't use it, I haven't looked into it enough, but everyone, can you look up the poor-watson? - Can we all black out our Instagrams? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Until poor-watson is free. - Then delete the sex map later. - Or blow up for the ocean. - Would you be blew up? - Blue, blue for the ocean. - Remember when everyone blacked out their Instagram for George Floyd? - Oh, you mean like the black square? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That's why it was called a black out, wasn't it? - It was called the black out. - Yeah. - It wasn't called the black out. - What was it? - It was called the black square. - I feel like it was a black out. - Tomato Timiti, precisely. - Really, people are loving it. - Because I love it, right? But I get in love at first. - It's usually different. And also- - You used to have curtain. - You said- - I was able to- - You said- - No, I know, but I haven't been on the podcast where you've had the fridge. - But they have been here. - But it's only just started. - That's true. - I know. - What's going on? - We have talked a lot about haircuts, I think. - Okay, sorry. We won't get into that. - Both me and Andrew overspend on haircuts for what we make. I think that's what. - Oh, that's without a doubt. It's a ridiculous representation of my money. - Yeah. (laughing) - Wait, do you get rid of everyone? - Yeah, yeah. - It's one of the funniest things about Andrew. - Well, I really get sure back on it. - He's the most expensive haircuts anyone I know. - I know. - How much- - It's fun. It's endearing though. - It's money up, I really know. Baby, please. - How much, how much does your haircut cost? - No, no, we can't go over this again. It's only five pounds. - That's wrong. So many pounds. - So that's where they 10% tip. - Is it? Okay. - Yeah. - I know a tipton. - 70 pounds. - You don't tip. Well, actually, you should, because mostly the tipping I've heard doesn't go to the hairdresser, but rather the people that work. - But it's more like you already charged me 70 quid of a haircut. What do you want? - I guess they're gonna do that every month though. That's more than I pay for my hair, really. I only get my haircut twice a year. - Yeah, exactly. - Yeah. - But no, we have to, it's sure, and that. - But I was still going to work, obviously. - Uh-huh. - You're still going to the Renzo. - No, I don't know, I haven't come up yet to my next haircut. - 'Cause I was looking your best podcast. - Between him and the Japanese. - The Japanese guy did great, but it was a walk-in. And to get a booking is 50 quid. And then I'm like, I'm already in Lorenzo territory there. - Mm-hmm. - Which has been in 50 quid. - You don't like having the same hairdresser. - Anyway. - I was watching some of your guys' old podcast clips. - What, to get in the zone? - To get in the zone. - Yeah. - Exactly, yeah. Also 'cause I was just procrastinating doing other work, but yeah, obviously the video of you getting punched in the face came up. - Oh yeah. - And that, but you look so young, you look so young without your little mustache. - Yeah, it is little. - And with your longer hair. When you do look younger and away now with the fringe, it's like, you know, sort of... - Boyish charm. - Boyish, yeah. - But without the mustache. - But without the mustache. - I don't have to feel with the way I dress, and my new hairstyle, that meme of Steve Buscemi is saying hello fellow kids with this escape wand. - You 100% are like that all the time. That's just because of your face with a mustache and clowns. - As I said, I will fully commit to being an old man style as soon as like it becomes, I'm manageable. But now I'm gonna basically enjoy being a kid from a 90s high school 100%. - Yeah, low fellow kids. - Until maybe 32, I think. And then it's gonna go from that to cashmere jumpers. - Yeah, to dad stress it, for sure. - Yeah, 'cause at uni, you did like one of the professors. (laughing) There was definitely a confusion around. - I know, I know, he used to look so much older. - I don't like what you're a student, let's, you know. - At a minimum. There was confusion. - But there was a usefulness to like the confusion, the contrast between, you know, the different things going on. Whereas you're much more cohesive as a look now, and that implies maturity. I mean, I feel like I've aged so much, visibly, mentally. - No. - No, shut up, you fucker. - You're 12 years old, in my eyes. - You're an infant. - But, I mean, it's so-- - You're infant. - Oh my God, I hate you guys so early on. No, it's like, it's just, it's a good thing, but it is interesting when you look back at these like videos, even from just a couple of years ago, but before you, before you get to 25, you're a fucking baby. - Yeah, it's true. - And after that, you're just a grown up, aren't you? - Yeah. - Everything changes. - The hair has been the biggest change, I think. - Yeah. - 'Cause we've both had the sweeping back. - We've sort of, I'm trying to take it back to 2011. That's one. - With what? - With the hair, I'm going to try and get it. - You mean you're just a beaver. - I think that's going to come back. - Oh my God. - You're the first person to do so. - It's so hot, didn't it? - Well, did you see the Justin Bieber come back? - Did I have the sweep? I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, we're going to have to get an image of it. 'Cause I do, so to be fair, it was-- - George, whose sweep was better? - Wait, did you give us the sweep? - I mean, probably I tried to force a face on it. - Like a friend, if you could send me a picture that, I'd put that up as well. - Yeah. - I'll get my sweep. So I guess it was a real status symbol at that time. So how old were you, like 13, 14 at the height of the sweep? I think it was like every guy. - 2010, one direction were on X Factor, Sherlock. - Justin Bieber. - Yeah, Justin Bieber. - The originator of the sweep, I'd argue. - I would argue, definitely at least the person who made it popular. - The peep of the sweep. I do think with the sweep, it was sort of like tropical birds where to attract a mate, it was the more impressive they're dancing colors. Yeah, and it's kind of like the more you could get your swirl, seaming like it had like a continuous sort of motion. - Yeah, but it was mop to your head as well. - Yeah, exactly, it was always kind of like it could take you all the way around. - Yours was quite extraordinary. - It was, it was, it was, it was. - 'Cause I was, I have picked a man so I could never get it like properly. - Mine's really straight. - Oh, I mean, it was so silky as well. - You're wearing out like a helmet. - Like just a bowl on there. - I mean, in the way, it's kind of, it's a modern version of the mortar hiccup, really, but just like, in italics. - Yeah, but more boy bandy, I guess. - And like shaggy here a bit. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I loved it when in Harry Potter and the Goblet Fire when Rupert Grint has like the really, really shaggy hair. - Yeah, that was a moment. - Yeah, I finally think I remember saying to my mum, it's like, 'cause she hated it, 'cause it was too long. She was like, 'You can show your face, it looks lovely.' - And then I remember saying, in my naivety as a teenager, I was like, 'No, no, this suits my hair, I'll never change this hair.' And I'm gonna have this hair couple of the rest of my life. It's just it just suits my face and it's just gonna stay there. Having no, not really understood how style goes in and out of that age. Imagine if you had, I had to live by it that way. - You're not okay. What's just something to say? - This is two years old. - I don't know why I think this, but I think it's on such a regular basis, and it's insane. Because my hair is very straight and you've seen, you've both seen me when I wake up in the morning, it's insane. And I think because it has- - It is, it's like a baby. - Yeah, it's like a come out of a basement for five years ago. - You didn't let you come out of cryo sleep for sure. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I often think, what would happen? I would quite like to live in a world and also not like to live in it, depending on what happens. - Yeah. - But where, if at one moment of time, suddenly the, how everyone's hair was at that exact second, is then their hair for the rest of their life. I don't know why I continually think of it, because I'll look at them and I'll be like, "Imagine if that happened now." - So it's- - Wait, wait, wait. - It's really weird. - That's not really sweet. Wait, I want to get into that more. So you think that there could be like a sort of worldwide seismic event, sort of some of that TV show where like a tenth of the population dies, or like, you know, where everyone falls asleep. Yeah, yeah, like the leftovers, or like that one show that was kind of what the leftovers was based on, where they bought a slate. - But just the stakes are so much lower. - But the stakes are so much lower. - And everyone's just walking around. - His fingers and everyone's hair stays exactly the same as it was. And the main character's like just on like that thing in the shower. Like he's like a forty-year-old guy. It's really serious. He's a lawyer. He's going through the boards, but he's trying to win his kids in the custody battle. - Was this one of the characters? - Yeah, exactly. Just when he's had a silly moment, and he spiked his hair up in the shower. - For one, just for one. - For one, just for one. - He's laying in the shower. - There wasn't that for 25 years. - Exactly. He finally was reconnecting with his inner child. - And a guy. - And a guy. - And then that's how the show starts. - And then he's got a case the next day, but that's for the rest of his life. - And the suds stay in for life. - That's so sweet. - And then you'll see social hierarchy where they're drastically changed. - Of course. Yeah, people who had a cool haircut that day. - We'll be a power vacuum of some people who had bad haircut haircuts. - Exactly. - Or what about people who are midway through a haircut? - Exactly. - That's going to be huge. - It's going to be crazy. - But does it, I think it applies to facial hair as well. - Yeah, but all hair. - Body hair. - Bum hair. It's all there. - That's the type of doctor's zoos that's attacked. - That's really sweet. - I don't know. It's just it comes up a lot for some reason, because sometimes I'll look in the mirror. And before I look in the mirror, I'll be like, oh, let's play that game. - And then I'll be able to do this. - I'll be either like disappointed or happy, but yeah, that'll be fine. - Yeah. - It's a really good, it's one of my main points. - No, I honestly, I completely get that. - If your hair was good, what do you want to add? - I never thought that exact thing, but I have little things similar to that. - So I get it. - I guess if you had your hair the best, and then it was like that forever, would you want that? It does mean you get no change, though. Don't get to change that. - If you get broken up with by someone, you wouldn't be able to change your hairstyle. - Yeah, I wouldn't be able to cut my hair myself when I'm having a manic dinner. - My hair was perfect for one day. - Yeah. - And the question is, are other people staying the same as well? Because then you can have no change in style on haircuts, because no one can change their hair. - Other people are changing. - Well, then absolutely not. - Absolutely not. - Because I would have done that when I was 14, but just to be the haircut. - Yeah, I'd be here now. - Yeah, and if you chose this haircut. - Yeah, if you chose this haircut, and then a celebrity who has the same haircut as you close out as a mass rapist. - Yeah. - And then you're doing the-- - Yeah. - I'm doing the film. - Maybe. - It's not far off the schedule. - Maybe it should be that everyone gets granted this one moment where they can lock in. What they think is their best hairstyle. - Yeah. - And it's about the way you choose to do it. - Because then it's like, if it's still my hair, that's embarrassing, man. - Yeah, but it's true. - It's too long because I thought your hair's going to not be as for that same quality. Teenage hair looks different. I mean, none of us are going to fucking have the same quality hair as we did. - But would you lock in for the boringness on the same hairstyle to keep the health of your young hair forever? - Yeah. - But then what of your face? Then your face is going to age. So like an 85-- - You said it's old now, but it's fucking just to be this way. - Yeah. - That guy looks terrible. - Hair is the thing. I mean, honestly. Well, I mean, hair is a very interesting issue. - Yeah, and we cover it quite a lot. (laughing) - Does that the end of the point? - No, no, no, no. I haven't really changed my hair that much in the last few years, to be honest. But when I was a teenager, it was down to my fucking hips. It was so long. It was so thick. It was so luscious. - Yeah. - And then, you know, when I was 21, I obviously went through that moment where you feel like you have to do something drastically different. So I took in this picture of this girl from-- Did you ever watch that movie with Ben Wishall kind of early in his career? And it was called like perfume or something like that. And it's about this guy who has an insane sense of smell. And he searches all over the world and he ends up like killing people to make the perfect perfume. And there's this young girl he's obsessed with who had the most beautiful shade of red hair. And I took in that picture and they dyed my hair like fucking the most disgusting brown. - Oh, they fucked it. - Yeah, they fucked it entirely. So then I had to-- - You see the life. You see? - An issue. - Exactly. And then I had to scrub it so many times with a dish soap. And eventually, it sort of got into the red that I wanted it to be a sort of coppery colour. But it damaged my hair permanently. And it's doing a lot better these days, but um-- - Well, the stakes are much higher. - The only I had not done that, you know? - But I do think it's important to be able to experiment with a good look. It makes you feel better. - What for women? - Yeah. - Link below. - Yeah, I agree. - Paul, you told me on the way here that Sabrina Carpenter's hair is apparently a wig. - Yeah. - Well, I've been saying this for years. I've been saying this for years. Every celebrity that you know and love, every single photo that you've ever seen of a celebrity looking good, that's a wig. Almost all of them wearing either a wig. - Chasing, staking. - Ed. - Checkmate, checkmate, bitch. - I hate to do it, do you know what I'm hearing? I know you're a guest, but they would be rude to not subject you to the same thing. I'll ask again, Jason Statham. - You're right, you're fucking right there. You got me there. - You got me there. - You know the little bits of hair he has in the back. - No, that's a hair piece. - No, he does that piece. - Who's the baldest man? - The baldest man, maybe Greg Wallace. - Yeah, Greg Wallace. - Yeah. - Stanley Tucci's very bald. - No, he still has hair at the back. - No. - No, okay. - And he's also a man who thinks he's the first man to cook Italian food, sort of. Have you seen his videos? - Yeah. - He'll use like three ingredients and he'll talk about it as if it's like, changing the game. But go on, go forth. - This is, let's dive into that. - Yeah. - Most celebrities are wearing a wig. - Male and female? - Male and female. It's a lot, I don't know if anybody used to watch the podcast. I used to do with my sister. I wouldn't be offended if you did it. - It's on YouTube now. - We can't talk about that right now. - Something that, it was cool. We can't talk about that right now. He wasn't saying that he's not. - Yeah, it sounded like, yeah. - On YouTube, but we can't do that. I'll come with you a strange name for a podcast. - I know, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I like it, it's ironic. - So, we talked about this a lot. But, yeah, I just have a fascination with it because, again, it's like people saying, hey, you should be in movies. You look at these celebrities and you're like, God, it's amazing. They've all got such long, luscious, healthy hair. No, especially for actresses. If they're going to be doing roles all the time and getting into the hair, died and straightened and played with, they all end up with like five hairs on their head. And I know this because when I was 17 and I was doing a period drama thing, there was like a time change in the show where we had to have like little flapper wigs. It went from the 1910s to the 1920s. And I was getting fitted for this wig and this random place in the middle of nowhere. Head, sorry, wall full of heads of hair. And this wig, wig lady said to me. - Sorry, I was gonna... - What are you doing? - A what? A lady. A lady, this lady, this lady. - Oh, what a title, it's so long. God, I loved it. Damn. - She said to me, oh, these are all Nicole. 'Cause I said, I think I think I said, oh wow, like these will look like they were kind of made for the same personal, but they're, why you got so many. Oh, these are all Nicole's wigs. - Who's Nicole who? Kidman. - She looks so good. - Did you say, whoa, you're kidding me, man. They can't be her wigs. - I did it like, it's a hot episode. - Exactly, it really is. Anyway, what was she, she wasn't the show, was she? - She wasn't in the show at all, no, but she had... - Just in case she turned off, really. - She gets custom wigs made for her for all the time. Not even in the shows that she doesn't necessarily. You can tell, you can tell, but apparently, she's got about three hairs on her head, okay? Because when I set this theory on the podcast, celebrities, they obviously don't, well, have the most incredible hair. Like, they're getting their hairstyle all the time. They've got hair pieces, they've got hair ponytails, they've got wefts, they've got wigs, they've got lacens, they've got lace, whatever. Somebody messaged me on my Instagram and said, hey, I'm a fan of the podcast and I just wanted to let you know, this is anonymous, but absolutely you're right about everything. She's got about three hairs on her head. And now I just love it. - Fantastic, big goals. - So, the actresses are going through their kind of edgy phase. Like, they've had their sweet little baby phase, long hair moment, and then they've done a few films. Why do you think they always fucking cut off all their hair? It's a lot because they're saying, hey, fuck you, industry. It's because their hair's been fucked up and so now they're shaving it so it can go back out. - They're not even putting off, they're just taking their wig off. - Yeah, they're taking their wig off and they're like, fuck it. You know, and they make that part of the moment. - Powerful, powerful statement. - So, Sabrina Carpenter has wonderful hair. And she really found her look with the sort of the fringe and all that. - Apparently it's all a wig. - But of course it makes sense, because it's also changing lengths all the time. I mean, she can't act like that two days. - What are your thoughts on Sabrina Carpenter? - I love her, but I do feel quite uncomfortable with the fact that she has been forced fed to me, because I didn't really know much about her or Chaperone until maybe in the early summer, my friend played some music to me on my bed and I liked both, I think I preferred the Chaperone music. - Yeah. - Sabrina Carpenter stuff, I knew who she was, because she's a Disney Channel kid, and I always find them fascinating. And she's so tiny and whatever. And I go, oh, cute. And Disney's channel stars, they always seem to make music and whatever. And I thought it sounded like pretty much other pop music. I wasn't a huge fan. But then it's just been pumped to me so much. And she fills my Discover page every day. Obviously, partly because I love her aesthetic and the sort of '50s pin-up thing is very my style. - Screen test, 17th to 90th of October. - Thank you, babe, that's very sweet. But now, I love her music. Now, every time I hear it, I'm like finding myself singing on to it. Every time I see a clip of it at all, it's just, it's, but 70 to 80% of the music, of the sounds that I hear when I open up social media on my phone, is Sabrina Carpenter. And I know that that's partly-- - Yeah, there's some evilness going on for sure. - It's so much money, think about how many brilliant musicians that there are, whose music you don't hear. It just makes you realize the power of familiarity, the power of PR, like, I think that she's great and very talented, but once you've been picked for something like that, yeah, it's inevitable, you're sort of your domination, your world domination. Plus, you might not find this interesting, but I also find the, I mean, I'm not a Taylor Swiftie, whatever, but my friends really are. And I find that the whole beef power dynamic, I'm pretty sure I actually spoke about this on the last podcast that I did with you. - I do. - I think I did about Olivia Rodrigo and Sabrina Carpenter and the fact that it'll make you crazy. - I'm trying to remember. - I think basically there's like, there's supposed to like, you know, beef between all of that. - I don't know what you did. - Part of the reason why Sabrina Carpenter seemingly is so successful now, Olivia Rodrigo was gonna be Taylor Swift's muse, but then they had this big falling out about Taylor Swift suing her for the rights of her music or the like, the writing rights. - So Swift and Rodrigo fell out. - And so then who does she get to open up for her and tour and who has had the biggest surge to fucking popularity? Sabrina Carpenter, the blonde girl that Olivia Rodrigo is talking about that her boyfriend left her for in her hip music single, driver's license. - Damn. - Carpenter, Swift, Rodrigo sound like 70s cops. Don't they? (laughing) - Yeah. - Rodrigo. - Yeah. (laughing) - Swift and Carpenter are on the case. - I find it really interesting. - Who's your favorite of all the new pop princesses that come through? - I think Sabrina Carpenter. - Really? When did this happen? When did you start? 'Cause you said that you didn't immediately get into it. - Yeah, this summer. - 'Cause it's kind of happened to me. - Yeah. - I think I'm starting to get into it. - It's good. - I've enjoyed some, not all of it. But even just her as a person, she's pretty fun. - Consistent brand identity. - Nothing. - I think that the... - It's just a pervert. - I'm not a... - You're the fucking pervert. - You're the pervert. - You're the pervert. - You're obsessed with her. - You're obsessed with her. - No, obviously you're obsessed with her. - There is a difference. - I do, I'm sorry for calling you a pervert 'cause you should be allowed to enjoy talented women and just because they sexualise themselves, apparently, I'm a big pervert of the oath. - If you've been affected by any issues. - I'm sorry, I'm supporting a female business. - I don't believe you. - What? You want me to not support any female businesses but from the ugly ones? - You just can't win as a man, can you? - I mean, she is very tiny. Five-thirds too small for you, really. - It's too small for me. You know that. She's four foot eleven or something. She's a did-like. She's a hobbit woman. - But I think that her consistent brand sort of image, like, you know, with the really retro aesthetic, it's not that it's, I mean, it's obviously been done before. Like, even Katy Perry really kind of had like a very sort of pin-up rocker-belly vibe going when she put the ice cream on her tits. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You remember that? - Yeah. - Teenage Dream, it was all that, right? - Yeah, yeah. - And inside out, that would be one of your six core memories, Andrew. (laughing) What was that video of her when she was in the jungle? Raw. I mean, that was a rubbish song. I hate that song. - Oh, no, I know. - That song's a song. - I don't really, really-- - Can you tell, Andrew, that story about you at Wicked, you're going to see-- - Oh, recently, yeah. - I was taking the people out. - Yeah. I was being a little bit of a carrot. - Yeah, this is the birth of potentially a carrot, but I think you're completely in the right to be fair. - Yeah. - But it was a great moment for you. - My sister got invited to the 18th anniversary of Wicked, the musical. - Right, when was this? - This was on Friday last week. - Yeah. - Anyway, my sister couldn't go because she was working, so she was going to take her daughter, so I took my niece, Marga, who's eight years old. - Didn't think of me. - Yeah. - I'm really sorry about that. - Wicked, really? Okay, well, then I think you'll like the story. - Kind of. - So we sat down, and Marga was a huge musical fan, and was just so, so excited to see it. We had these great seats in the stores, and there were four seats in front of us, until two minutes before the show was about to begin, and these four, I think, Glaswegian Scots, kind of come in, and they're really kind of like, up for it and rowdy and quite drunk. Already, you can tell, two boys, two girls. - And-- - Sort of, I would say, in the late '20s, maybe mid '30s, and they, well, I'm in a great time, and then one of the guys, the one who was sitting sort of closest to me, said, "I've never been to the theater of a whore." - So he was a pirate. - Sorry. - Right, yeah. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - A pirate. - There was a yar in there. - I've never run to the theater before. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Is that right? - Yeah, you played a Scottish person, and for a whole pilot. - They were just a yar in there. - And they were going to play to me. We can see now. - Yeah. - 'Cause you were like, "Be hearty!" - Yeah. (laughs) - Where is the roundie? - Bebe, the brief is a 23-year-old girl who works in Marlle, I think. - Oh, she's Scottish though, right? - Yeah. - Yeah. - There she is. - Yes. - Me, hardly body. - Anyway, the show started, and, you know, they were drinking, they were, you know, yap and loving it. - The yap. - And they were talking for, I would say, every single minute of the show that was going on, and they had these big, fat heads, right? (laughs) So, waggling them out. - That was a real problem. - It's like trying to watch something like this one in the movie, this one in the movie. - Yeah. - This one in the movie. - Yeah. - Like that, you know? I've never seen somebody interact with a stage play so much. - Yeah. - And then, to make it even worse, they were singing along with all the fucking songs. The two guys didn't seem to be that interested, they'd clearly been dragged along by their wicked, loving girlfriends. - Yeah. - But I was just surprised. - We could call my loving girlfriends. - Yeah. (laughs) - But I was just really surprised that they didn't have any seemingly awareness of all of the people around them. - Absolutely. - Nobody else was fucking talking. - Chuck him out. - And I was upset for Margot 'cause she's obviously tiny, so she couldn't really see. - Yeah. - And they were talking the whole time. And, I mean, I just felt it bubbling up within me. I think I had a bit of a shitty day anyway. And you know that thing where like, just all of the feelings displace and suddenly there's fucking women's head in front of me with a big, fake, blonde- - Is that moment in the film where you've had enough shit? - Yeah. - I just wanted to chop 'em up, I wanted to fucking ponytail her like fucking. - Which is, by the way, ponytailing is the cruelest, most evil thing you can do so much. - It really is, I would never do that. I'm saying I wanted to see. - It's funny how much damage you can do in a second ponytailing. There is a comedy to it. - Putting off somebody's hair. - Yeah, I mean it's cute. - It's an evil. - It's an evil. - It's an evil, but I imagine it's free to have the hairpiece. - Bang. And it's like, what is that? - What is that, what are you gonna do? - She was singing along like she was singing, you know. - Like, do you go to jail? - No, you can't, you can't. There's a great episode of Board City that opens with Abby being ponytailed and it's fucking hilarious. - What do you do? - And also you're not, you're not actually physically hurting someone like, what can they do? - I've got to go sorry, I would admit it. - It's a soul isn't it? - It is, of course it's a soul. No, I would never do that. - So you could get done for it. - I'm just saying she was being so annoying. Imagine watching a fucking West End version of Defying Gravity that you can't see because a woman is singing it in the seat in front of you. Like, it was outrageous. So at some point, he'd been relatively friendly with his sort of drunkenness and made this joke about never going to the theater before and he was sitting in front of an eight-year-old girl. So I didn't think that they would react badly. I leaned over to them and I said, "Excuse me, please, can you stop talking? "Please, we're trying to hear." And they both sort of turned around to me with sort of mock horror. They're not the girl at first, just the guy. "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, sorry, baby, sorry, baby." And then the girl, his girlfriend sort of turned to him, shocked by the fact that I was offended. And I said, "Hey, whatever I know about." And I just couldn't help myself. I said, "You've been talking every minute." Then an usher comes over, hearing me thinking that I'm the person causing the issue. And so I just said, "I'm really sorry." I just was asking them to stop talking. The usher then leaves. Then they resumed talking probably more than they had been before, more singing than they had been before, but now she's turning back over shoulder every two minutes and sort of pretending to go like this. I'll go, "Shh." - And it's just you and a child. - Just me and a child, yeah. - And it's like a white band. - And I really hate to have him to do that, especially in front of Margot, 'cause I remember my sister's a lot more of a sort of sassy, confident person than me, and she's 10 years older. So I remember when she was a teenager and I was a little girl, and she would take me places. If she told somebody off in public, I remember the Paris one of being like, "Oh my God, don't do that." She used to take me to this coffee shop and we would get these frozen frappe drinks together. And sometimes they would put little chocolate bits on the top. And when they didn't for me, my sister would get so annoyed and she would tell me, "Bibi, you need to go over to the counter "and you need to tell them to put the chocolate bits on top "because they didn't do it today." And it was like she was trying to, through like exposure therapy, teach me how to be braver. - That's your current. - And it used to make me feel so unwell with nerves. And then I could feel Margot's little hand squeezing me. I knew that she was upset she couldn't hear it, but when I told these people off, I could trust that she. So I felt really bad that I'd done that, but then they continued to talking, the rage was bubbling outside of me, they're fucking singing, defying gravity, whackin' a big fat blonde head around, they're fucking pissing me off so they were, (laughing) I'm extremely stressed here. I'm always, she went, "Whoa!" (laughing) And then the people next to me, they were like, "We just can't believe this." - Well, these got to get them involved as well. - And so me, I was like, "Okay, at this point, "I'm not going to interact with them anymore "because that's only going to be a losing battle." But what they did do is I managed to find that usher sort of on the very end of this. - Yeah, just listen. - And just sort of go. And then at the next point that they really sort of fucking chatting away. - You channeled the white woman and you just-- - I honestly, literally my head transformed. My head transformed into an asymmetrical fucking bob with a fringe like this. - No, you turned into the green witch. - I did. - I did, I did. - Or it was in like Mulan with all your ancestors, all the other white women who-- - Yeah. - And it manifested in the perfect talk. - Excuse me. (laughing) Anyway, I managed-- - This isn't a white woman issue, by the way. This is a public health. - Anyway, I managed to very subtly, without enraging the drunk Scots in front of me, he just knocked over one of his beer bottles quite loudly in the row and sort of had drunkenly left to go to a piss. - They're treating you like the dots. - Genuinely, they were treating it like it was a fucking karaoke singing along the movie. I managed to very subtly and sort of effectively shape my head like this. - Can't believe this. - Yeah. - At the usher, they came back over told them to shut up again, they left and they were even more drunk and pissed off at this usher now. Then the interval strike. I've been thinking-- - Oh, we're pre-interval, wow. - I'm formulating in my head what happened to it 'cause there's a chance that this fucking bitch is gonna chuck a drink in my face. I don't know what her vibe is. She seemed so outraged that I had told her to shut the fuck up, which I'd said in a nice way to be fair, but I genuinely was preparing myself for a fight. I was ready for a fight. You know those days when it's like, "Actually, show you what, this is great." I think I could fight with somebody. I would love that. - Could crowbar this beer. - But she scuttled off to the bathroom as soon as the interval started. - Probably didn't piss the fuck up. - Probably didn't fucking shit the dumb disgusting-- - Oh, wow. - Wow. - Wow. - Wow. - We don't do poodle. - Yeah, that's actually incredibly un-headed. - It's just not gonna get out of the time. - Sorry, sorry, I forgot to mention they stank as well. They stank a fault. (laughing) Like not one, not one, but they stank a fault. - He stank a long, continuous part. I hated them. - Oh my gosh. (laughing) - Much. (laughing) - No, he's not talking about your thoughts. (laughing) - They did. - About your thoughts? - They did. Anyway, she scuttles off to the fucking bathroom, disgusting bitch, and the guy is left, and he turns to me kind of moch apologetically, and I say to him, "Hey, mate, look, I'm sorry, "but I'm here with a child. "She's eight years old. "You can't hear what's going on." And he's sort of like, "Hey, yeah, you know, "I understand what you're saying." And then he suddenly changes his attitude, and he's like, "Well, actually, you know, "no, but the thing is, you know, she has to explain to me, "you know, what's going on, "because I don't know about what's going on." And I couldn't help myself. I just said, "That's not how theatre works." - Yeah. - I'm sorry to disappoint you. She barrels back in, and suddenly she's telling to me, and I see her face, and yeah, she's not pretty, and (laughing) sorry, sorry, sorry. It was- - Is it a fart? - It don't notice. - I should've got- - Someone bring a bag of- (laughing) - Pee! - I think you can bring a bag of- - Is that you? - It's not the theatre work. - When I say, did they not check that? - Can I say that she's ugly? I mean that she seemed to have an ugly personality. - Yeah. - That's what I mean, okay? - Yeah. - And an ugly face. (laughing) So, she- - Fucking is so aggressive towards me, and I tell her, "This is my niece, "and, you know, we can't hear what's going on, "you know, you've been talking the whole time." "Hey, we haven't been talking the whole time." I said, "You've been talking every minute, "and I'm sorry, we didn't pay to come "and hear you saying." I didn't actually pay for the tickets, obviously. I didn't tell her that, you know, I was making a point. - But she came up, and she was in the second door. - Then the people next to me, - I don't mean to me. - Then the people. - Yeah, so dead. - I hope what, and then she'd be like a hidden cast member. - Yeah. (laughing) - I would've been fucking embarrassed that I am. - Yeah. - Sorry, but here's your ponytail bag, sorry. (laughing) Anyway, then the people next to me, the people sitting in front of them, and some people behind me, all fucking back me up, they were like, "Yeah, this is crazy. "It's not fair, like, you know, "this is absolutely crazy behavior." They start shouting at me, and then, amazing, the ashes come over, three fucking ashes come over, and they tap this lady on the shoulder. - This is what the performance is on now. - No, this is interval. And they say, "Hey, so a cast member has complained, "you were speaking so loudly that they missed one of their cues, "so you're all gonna have to leave." - Yay! - Oh, and the look on their faces are like, as I went, (laughing) - Did you drop one of those? - Yeah. - Did you drop one of those? - It was honesty, and not only did me and Margo, and my fucking, my compatriots around me, have the best fucking view then for the second half. - Yeah. - But it was truly the Wicked Witch was dead, and... - Yeah. (laughing) - And then, the dumb, - The massive theatre. - It was incredible. And like, honestly, wicked, wicked suddenly made sense to me after that, and really, really started to get it, and then there's the three of them left, and they were so fucking embarrassed as well. - Yeah. - Like, it's sort of, "Hey, it's so weird, so it'll be okay." And then they forgot one of their coats or something, and then they clearly weren't allowed back in the theatre, so one of the ushers had to come and find it during the performance with a little torch, and they were like, "We're so sorry, we're so sorry." And I was like, "Oh, no, no, it's fucked." - Yeah, feet up. - Anyway, the guy come, the fourth guy comes in with four more giant drinks for all of them. - Big kicks out. (laughing) - And even kicked out. I actually said to the guy before they got kicked out, the one who was nice, but then turned. You know, once I said a theatre comment, he was like, "Hey, we're just having a nice time." I said, "Yeah, you're clearly having a nice time. "You all seem, you know, pissed as anything." And then he said, "Well, you seem like you've never had a drink "in your life. "What am I going to do? "Am I going to have to drink in the theatre?" I mean, these people are fucking insane. - You seem like you never had a drink in your life is quite a nice compliment to you. - Right. - It's like your skin's glowing. - Yeah. - Thank you. Thank you, I really appreciate that. Anyway, fourth guy, it doesn't understand where his friends have gone, and I said, "Yes, sorry, you guys are leaving." And he said, "Hey, what do I have to leave?" And I was like, "Yeah, you do, sorry, bye." And he started shouting at me and calling me a fucking bitch. - Dude, really? - And then the usher escorted him out too, and me and Margot were like, "Oh my God, it was so..." - That's a bit of fun. - It was so satisfying. I literally had adrenaline coursing through my body, and it made me so excited for getting older and for fucking complaining about a bunch more shit. - Yeah, yeah. No, well, that's like one of the worst things you can do. - I'm sorry, I don't think that I was in the wrong in that situation. You can't fucking sing along. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - You're of course you're in the right. Of course you're in the wrong. - I know you. - There's never any question. There was, I was at the cinema the other day, and I've been a lot ruder for a lot less in my time. But as a man, I was sitting in the cinema, as you do, and there was a few rows and a guy just had his feet up, fine, I don't care, I'm not the bloody cleaner, but maybe think about them. And then there was just a squeaking, consistently, as he's like moving his feet up and down, infuriating me. - Unbelievably annoying. - That's just a squeaking. I was like, how is it not annoying you as well? It was during-- - What movie picture are you watching? - The movie picture I was watching was "Speak No Evil." - Is it good? - Yeah. - Yeah. - What's watch? - Black voice, good. No, but that's, yeah. I mean, you gotta, I wanna say even more, like when something annoys me. 'Cause when it annoys me, it's fair. That's what I think, you know? - Exactly. - It's in spaces. The most annoying thing you can do is in a space where you don't wanna, it's not about you. Shut the fuck up. - It's just so inconsiderate. - It's so, so inconsiderate. And even though it was, you know, embarrassing for me at first, I was really satisfied with the result. And I was able to get these aggressive, horrible, nasty people out. We all celebrated. And then meanwhile, we got to have a lovely day at the theatre together. - I gave a woman and a child a terrible look on the walk down here. - Did you? - Yeah. - Because they've got it in you as well. - Oh, God, it's there. - Yeah, it's gonna come. - Me, me. - Yeah, you are quite similar. - What's 'cause we're people when we consider it? - They can fuck off. - Yeah, they can't, they can't. - Burn them, burn them. Put them on a pile and burn them. - Yeah. - Because they're fucking talking. - She was walking. - They're fucking diagonally. - And to the point where I was like, she was, I was clearly on the left. And then she was clearly-- - It's walking policy. - I was clearly on the left, walking down. And then she's fucking just veering into me, to the point where I have to like, stop and go like that and let them pass. And there's plenty of space on her side. - And we'll just give it a way to remove. - I shot my shot. - I stopped and went. (laughing) - Did you clutch your pearls? - I did, I clutch. (laughing) - Just a gun. It's also going to go into a mother and child. But again, it's people with kids as well. I live around many schools. It's not, it's not, it's a coincidence. And it's just like kids with that. I know you've probably had a long day. I know you're a parent and you've got more responsibilities than me. But it does mean that I'm not allowed on the fucking pavement. - Yeah. - Move your children. - They're in the way. - Yeah, move your children. - There was women in, move your dogs. - Talking about children who maybe shouldn't have been moved. - You've watched the show. (laughing) Right. (laughing) Here we go. - Seamless. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I've got the headphones on now. I'm a radio DJ. - Yeah, he's in. I have watched some of Philip Schofield's cast away. - I haven't nor his beeps. - I'll be like the correspondent. - Yeah. Headlines. - Go forth. - A lot of it is actually about his survival on the island, which is what no one's there for. (laughing) There's a lot of him, there's a lot of him searching for a clear running source of water, fishing, setting up camp. That's like the first episode. It's like, Phil, talk about the kit. (laughing) I don't care about your bushcraft and your ability to set up a fire. Let's talk about the allegations. (laughing) That's the first episode. - It's always like that's like the kind of advertising you have to watch through to watch a video. - Exactly, you're just, I can skip it. - No, no, no, no, we have to watch. - Are you gonna hear about it? You're gonna watch me fucking build a dent out of sticks. - I mean, maybe that's tactical. Maybe they think, maybe he and his clearly very deranged sort of team of people that are still working with him think that if he shows his metal, that people will have more sympathy for his story. I mean, I think that that's similar to why - I'm a celeb. - I'm a celeb. - I'm a celeb. - It's a collective partnership. - Because we did all the bush talker trials and genuinely, it made people watching the show like him more. - It's a bit more catharsis. - Oh, look, he's willing to fucking sacrifice himself in a coffin filled with bugs. He must be all right. - But it's, you know what's going through this, but you know the shame, walker shame. - Whoa, shame, shame. - Spoilers. - Forget about it, carry on, what you were saying. - Yeah, so there's a lot of him like analyzing the wildlife around trying to find sources of food. That's a lot of the first episode. Which, that's I say, not what's that. - Does he talk at all about the boy? - There's a hint of the boy. (laughing) - Tell us about the boy. - Tell us about the boy, the wind whispers on the island. - Tell us about the boy, Phil. We want to hear more about the boy. (laughing) - Then the second episode, he starts talking about the boy a bit. - Yeah. - Channel five, by the way, mental. - Gone. - Mostly just. - Just an app. - No, I managed to, you just log in, it's free. - So you watch it on your laptop? - Yeah, but there's lots of ads. But one of the most interesting, it was so clear why they're failing as a company is because on the player, I went, there was a bit, 'cause I was watching him while I was working, I missed a bit, so I just pressed the left arrow to go back, you know, five to 10, 15 seconds. It took me back six minutes. The arrow takes you, if you just press it once, it takes you about six minutes. I didn't realise, and I kept pressing different arrows, and I was like, I've heard this, because it takes you back to, and I looked six minutes. - That's the first option. - That's the only option. - If you keep pressing the arrow, six, 12, 18, I don't know the rest. - That's crazy. - It's fucking crazy. - Just insane, and that's exactly why, you know, you can't put that on the internet. But he does talk about the boy. Well, kind of, he doesn't really talk about the boy loads. He talks more about what, you know. - The media, the, this morning TV. - It's a big victim. I got stitched up on a victim, that's the big narrative, right? - No, no, no. - What else would it be? - No, no. - No, that, look, I made a mistake. I made a mistake, please, if we could do film for him. Let him speak for us. - I'm trying to speak up. - So Phil is on the bloody island, he makes a fire. And he's like, I think, yeah, he starts talking about it and everything. His thing is, look, yeah, I made a mistake. It wasn't as bad as you guys made out, which I'm kind of a group, kind of a group. - Yeah, I mean, yeah. - I don't think it was that bad. - What did he do, in your words? - In my words, well, so I actually looked it up to just like, make sure I've got everything. - Great. - And 'cause there was bloody Q-gate when he skipped, when him and Holly skipped the queue, who fucking cares? - Not me. - Not me. Then there was all David Beckham's at the back waiting. All right. (laughing) Okay, great. They're not. Let's move on. His brother was a pedo. That's actually something people forget. - Yeah. - Not helpful. Not helpful. - Not helpful at all. - Not helpful at all. - Do you think he knows in a pod? - Yeah. (laughing) - That's brilliant. - That's really good. - That's really brilliant. - Yeah. But, so that didn't help. You know, not Phil anyway. But, so he met, there was some sort of, I don't know what you call it. Some event in TV event. Inspiring the young minds of the future. - Yeah. - There was a boy there, the boy. - Did he inspire his young mind? - Spire his young penis. No. - To be erect. - Leap it. No, he did nothing at that point. - Untoward. - Untoward. Below board. And then. - And the boy's how old? - The boy's like 15 or 14 or something at this point. But he met the boy at that point. - That boy. - The boy then starts working at this morning as an intern or something. - Yeah. - And I think he's what, 18, 19, 20? - Yeah. - Phil has an affair with him at that point. - Yeah. - That's not illegal. - How did he get the job this morning there? - I don't know. - Blow and Phil. - Blow and Phil. What's the problem? - I mean, I find it difficult to believe that he met him at 15 and then had an affair with him at 18 and there was nothing in between. - That is very easily believable, isn't it? Why would they have to like. - Because it's hard to get fucking jobs on TV. - He obviously singled this guy out because he fancied him when he was 15. - I mean, but the other people are gonna ask him why you're not full-time. 'Cause I'm not willing to blow Phil, let's go with it. - Exactly. And that's what people don't realise about this industry. - That probably would, yeah. - It's this unspoken decision that you have to make. - No, but look, the facts aren't there to connect that and that. There's no evidence to suggest that they want it. - I mean, unfortunately, it is just the, it's the-- - It's not good optics. - It's the mystery. It's the fact that we'll never know what happened in those years. You're gonna need to continue-- - You're pretty calm. I don't know what's real on the mystery. - And then bring imagination into it. You know, we've gotta go buy the facts and the facts build around what-- - The facts build around what? - It meant women. - What? - I've met women in, I've met women for, I've known women for like three years and haven't had sex with them until the third year. Does that mean I'm, I'm boinking them all the way through? No. You know? - Where do we that bitch? - Where do we that? - I guess that you like best bits of 16-year-old. - I know, but in turn, and in turn-- - A hundred percent is dodgy. - I don't think that he would've been working there unless Philip had specifically picked him out to be. That's my thing. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's a fair fear. - No, I definitely, it was definitely a bit sleazy. But I don't know if it's more than a bit sleazy. - I don't think it's like to the extent to which his life has been ruined, to be honest. - And was he always-- - And the whole media fury has had way worse effect on the young boy, probably, then Philip's, you know, constant molesting. - Well, it wasn't molesting. - It wasn't molesting, I know. - It was an affair. - And weirdly, it looked like, Philip was bad and he was absolutely fine. And she got caught up in the Phil's fear. We could be more wrong, maybe. - But yeah. - She was actually-- - A point he did make, as well. I think he, I'd watch it. I'd skip to the second episode about halfway through. - Okay. - Because stuff starts happening. He's got some stuff to say about different presenters. It just feels a bit cassy or whatever. I mean, he doesn't do anything. He's very, very holier than now. There's always like, I'm the loyal friend. It's very easy for him to be a loyal friend when he's the one who's fucking everyone's lives up. You know what I mean? - What does he say about Holly? - He doesn't say, he doesn't mention direct names. But he says, there's three bad eggs. And then he says, why? And it was like, all right, just say their names. If he's, this is probably gonna be his last appearance, apparently. But no, so a thing, he did do a subtle, well, Honda, Honda run. He said, this isn't an uncommon practice for presenters to be. He doesn't say it in this words. He's strongly suggesting that it's not an uncommon practice for presenters to be with interns or having younger or fair flings. It's just the fact that he was, if he was heterosexual, we'll be getting a slap on the back, is what he said, because he's gay. - Don't even slap on the wrist. A slap on the back. - A slap on the back. - There's quite a big difference actually. - I think it must be a slap on the wrist. - No, let me go on, son. - To back. - Get that, get that ting to me. - I want to smack you. - Slap on the arse. (both laughing) - And it's one of those things, 'cause he says, but he's not gonna reveal anything. So it was like, well, we don't know the truth. - I know, but that's so fucking shady of him to say. - I think you're more. - It was only because of the gay thing, but it's like, no, it's the fact that it was in your own child. - He didn't say it was only because of that. It was an adult man. - I didn't believe it. I didn't believe it. Oh, I don't believe it. - But I think it's my point for it. - I think you get off with more, if you're gay. I think there's more that people don't think about age with gay guys as much as straight. - But that's what he was saying. He was saying that more age gaps are more common with gay people. - That's true. - But I think the slap on the back for a young-- - You can't imagine a boy locker room vibe where it was like, you know, any pull out of the Wolf of Wall Street where you're like, yeah, but it's not like that anymore. In the '90s, yeah, but in the '90s, yeah. But now, which is when it was happening and when the-- - But behind the scenes, it's not like-- - But on the scenes, it's pretty fucking-- - It's fucking talking about-- - Well, you don't know. - I think you get away with a lot more. I think if you're like a 50-year-old guys shagging your 18-year-old female intern, now it's viewed a lot worse. - Absolutely worse than like people do hear that. - And then a gay guy, you're like, whoa. - What I'm saying is-- - I don't know what they're up to. - What I'm saying is media and for the public, sure, but we don't know how it works behind the scenes. - There's some people, it's like, you don't know what it's like by this morning in a morning TV. What it's like behind the scenes. I know you'd love to. - Also, why would he have then, before the actual news came out of the affair and the sort of sort of details of that, why would he have then done that emotional revealing with the fact that he's gay? - Yeah, that was definitely-- - I think that that was done because he assumed it would soften his image, because I think actually, when it comes to the issue of the fact that he was hiding, the fact that he was gay, even though he only revealed that because he knew that the affair was gonna come out, I think the fact that he revealed that he was actually gay was because he thought that the effect that that would have on the public, given the moment that we are on society right now, is that I would endear people, that they would think, oh, how hard that must have been to you. - It's a fair theory, but it's a cynical one, because the other-- - I think he was-- - He won 100% if I can delete that, because he knew that the other thing was gonna come out. - Well-- - I feel like I'm disagreeing for what he is, I think this is a problem of matter. - All right, okay, let's take out the morals out of it. What do we think about his technique in class as a presenter? - I never watched this morning once in my life. - The cube is a masterpiece. - Do you think? - No, I was joking, I don't know. - What do you think? - I can't really remember, I didn't really watch this game. - Sure, I like that clip of them laughing instead. - It's all about you pervert the pasty, pasty pervert, and he would become the pervert. - Well, it's poetic. - It is poetic. - This is what I'm living in a place and with, 'cause part of me is like, if he is like, is he a generational talent? - No, yeah, I don't fucking know. He's gone, he's already gone, yeah. - He's already gone enough money to fucking last in my lifetime, like, you know. - Yeah, it's interesting, I'm just not entirely sure that the public outcry has warranted crime or vice versa. - But why has he gone to a desert island? - If you'd have been like, if you'd, I get-- - I don't even know how many options. - I don't, 'cause everyone was like, it's fucking ridiculous. I was like, why can't he go on and tell the story somewhere? Let's fucking hear it. What's wrong with hearing it? - It's a TV format, it's-- - He's doing it. - It's the language he speaks, which is TV. It's selling an idea to someone. - Why not? - Why not? - Why not here? - It's an always good type of TV. - Yeah. - So, yeah, Pete, the following on island. That sounds like something in a pitch island. - Yeah. - But it's not always good to just leave here. We can say it's bullshit, but let's hear it. - What would you prefer type of format show you'd do a pop for a desert island? - Who wants to be a millionaire? - Yeah. - So it's a wipe out. - Yeah, he'll try to explain the story while trying to balance on the big red boys. I would have waited for that. - We are running way over now. Thanks very much, Lizzie. - Do you want to start with a-- - You need to do it a bit nicer than that. - Okay, we've come to the close of the episode and Andrew has some thoughts about, well, just a kind of something to leave. As we go into the weekend, let Andrew give us, you know, a piece of wisdom. - With every leaf that falls upon the ground, remember that that leaf doesn't need to be the end, but rather the beginning of a new leaf or a new tree. - Thank you very much. Screen test 17th, 18th, 19th, not over. - Where? - Closet, Isington, link below. - Who? - See you next time. 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