Hey guys! No book club this week so I did a quick solo on identity. Here's the link to the frequency played! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJLC3C4yeYw&list=PL05Em7TR9Koke1R1DGhpiMLb7zg4OQks-
Emotionally Unavailable
Episode 69: Eclipse
[MUSIC PLAYING] Welcome to Emotionally Unavailable, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of emotional availability and intimacy. I'm your host, Melissa Hepner. And I can't tell you how excited I am to have you join me on this journey of self-discovery and connection. Whether you're navigating the complexities of relationships or exploring your own emotional landscape, this podcast is here to inspire, empower, and entertain. So get cozy and let's explore the depths of human emotions together. Hello, everyone. I was going back and forth. And Jane Doe and I didn't get a chance to record this week. And I was going back and forth on whether or not I would use an episode that I've already recorded with someone or do a solo because oftentimes I feel like I don't-- I'm not that I don't have anything to say, but I can't figure out how to communicate what I want to say. So I figured I would just do a short little solo episode today. And I really want to focus on identity because this is the thing that keeps coming up, is that people just can't love themselves in the moment. They're getting all amped up and believing in their future selves, like they're believing that this is a possibility and that it will be better. And yeah, it will be. But it can't get better if you aren't better. And that doesn't magically happen just because you're daydreaming about your future self. Now, the hope is that you claim your future self and then start to make small shifts that get you more in alignment. It's not about discovering as much. And it's not as much about becoming perfect or any of that. I mean, that's not the goal here. The goal in identity work is to understand where you are out of alignment because our purpose on this earth is tied to passion and tied to authenticity and alignment. So if you are not in alignment with your truths, here's some examples of that. You want to be a person at peace. But the only way you know how to connect with others is to gripe, complain, or talk about somebody else that you guys are judging together. And listen, I'm not saying that with hate. That was my entire life up until six months ago. I mean, really, just a couple of months ago. I didn't know how to connect otherwise. So, I mean, it's hard to say. But the root of all of my relationships was complaining. So you hear me talk about self first all the time. And that's because you are the life force behind. Every gift and every weakness you have, your future self is not better than who you are right now in this exact moment. This version of you is made up of many other versions of you that have carried you through a lot of really hard times. And this version of you is exactly where you're supposed to be exactly in this moment. You are doing wonderful. You are great. You are powerful. You are creating your own reality. You guys, we speak our own language with our own worldview. Like it creates every experience, everything you've thought, felt, or done up until this very moment created the language that you speak to yourself, speak about yourself, speak about others, speak to others. It's the way you process every single thing that happens. And if you're language, if you're still viewing the world through your wounding, there's no ability to find a commonality among the languages. I am committed to this message that if you want true healing and you want to be able to exist in a world where you're not in constant conflict with everyone else, you have to understand the only reason that conflict is happening, it's not because you're a bad person or they're a bad person. The conflict is constantly happening because we don't fucking understand why people are doing the things they do. Thereby, we don't understand why we're doing the things we do. So we create our own reality with the use of this language and the way we talk to ourself matters. You guys, our subconscious is always being programmed in real time. So when you speak about your future self in present tense, you begin to reprogram immediately. Like last night, this is a stupid example, but last night Brian came to like rub my shoulder or whatever while I was falling asleep. And then I woke up a few hours later and he wasn't in bed. Oh my God, I'm embarrassed to tell you this, but before I may have gone looking for him to like catch him doing something, right? A man never did, but you know what I think that was the idea was that I would catch him. But like, lots of times I would just be like, wonder where he is, blah, blah, blah, getting myself all worked up. And then I'd probably stay mad about it the whole next day 'cause I wouldn't want to tell him this embarrassing thing. But what was funny is last night when that happened, immediately I was like, there's a difference. And I remember this and I was like really groggy, like half asleep. But I remember thinking, no, no, no. Just because it feels like abandonment when you wake up and he's gone doesn't mean he was abandoning you. So that's just a really small example of how your subconscious starts to reprogram immediately when you start to introduce new concepts to it. So when we focus on identity, we really want to be saying all of the truths about ourselves, but it's hard to uncover those truths if you don't know where to look. So that is one reason that I really, really recommend the Finding Peace Workbook by Troy Love because uncovering your attachment wounding and the narratives that were created. I mean, I can save you some time and let you know that we all have the same narratives. Every one of us feels invisible. Every one of us feels like we have the weight of the world on our shoulders and it is ours alone to carry and nobody else will ever be available to help us carry it. We all feel at our core fundamentally unlovable and that we're too much and not enough. That is the narratives that we are all struggling with whether they are still in your subconscious or a conscious thought, that is the truth. If that's our narrative, then we have to do a bunch of stuff to help our negativity bias in our brain. The thing about this concept of us all speaking our own language is that if we create our own reality, everything that we think do feel is interpreted through that space. So what if we just told our brains new information and then we could just process the world around us through that information, that lens? Something I've been talking a lot about is getting delusional because it will feel delusional to sit and be like, I claim that house or I love this new house I was able to buy. Whatever it is that you're trying to get through. If you are contemplating a divorce and you have kids and it's freaking you out and you're doing all the what ifs, it would be a very pivotal time for you to say, what if it all worked out? What if no matter what I know, I'm gonna be okay and my kids are gonna be okay and you just start speaking into existence. The type of reality that you wanna create because a lot of the conflicts that we experience in life are forms of self-fulfilling prophecy, self-sabotage. We engage in certain conflicts to confirm the narratives that we created so that we can keep ourselves safe. And we rely on this false sense of security through our acts of trying to control our environment. But if we just relied on the trust that we have in ourselves and stepped back and said, what if I just chilled out and allowed? What if I could believe literally everything's gonna be great? And I'll give you a perfect example of this. When I was buying this house, when I woke up one day and said, okay, no, I cannot live like this 'cause we just did not have enough space in the old house, period, period, period. When I woke up one day and was like, "Listen, I'm not in a good place. I can't do this anymore. Like, this is not good. We're doing this, we're moving." We had no ability. We were not in the place to be able to do that. And I was like, I don't care. Blinders on, whatever we have to do, whatever we have to do, we do it. And every time we would encounter some really big setback in that process, that would feel like, okay, that's it. Like, we're literally not gonna be able to do this. I would just step back and be like, nope, I'm just gonna believe it's gonna work out. Like, this is meant for me and it will be. I don't know how, but that's the thing. When we get to that, I don't know how, but blah, blah, blah. When you stop trying to count all the steps and you stop trying to be in control of all the steps, it will work out. Maybe not in the exact way that you thought it would, but if we're chasing a feeling instead of precise steps and precise actions, and we can just use a compass and just go, you know, I know, I'm in the right direction. That's all I gotta do. I don't have to know every step of this path. I promise you, that's when you step into freedom and peace because listen, I'm gonna tell you, I'm thinking of one of my clients right now, and I don't know if she'll ever listen to this, but listen, honey, I know, I know to you, that is a lack of accountability and a lack of structure and just wild, right? But here's the thing, all the shit you're doing, trying to control the outcomes is also bullshit. It's not working very well, is it? So that's my point, is that any illusion that you think you have control in all of those little steps is just that an illusion. The thing you can control as your brain and controlling your brain will get you everything you want because you will become a different person when you step into the new version of you, not some perfect version, a version of you that has so much trust in yourself that when you hear intuitive thoughts that say, let's move this way, let's pivot up, let's shift down. Let's go around this fort, you will listen and you will know what's meant for you and your path. That's the point. It's not the absence of the bullshit, it's not the absence of the turbulence. It, and actually, I think lately, that's been the most beautiful confirmation for me, is that whenever I can deal with the conflict and use my tools that are at my disposal to get back in the right energy that I wanna be in, every single time it happens, I'm like, wow, okay, so that's what I've been chasing this whole time, is the ability to regulate. It doesn't mean that I no longer have a need to regulate. Things happen all the time that dysregulate me. I've had PMS, pretty nasty the last few days, like to where I'm just in a constant state of agitation, but I have worked through it really beautifully on my own and that is because I have a lot of tools at my disposal. So I can utilize those whenever I want and get myself back into the energy that I want. You hear me say this all the time, peace is my currency, how much is it worth? And I ask myself that and I go, okay, now, sometimes just asking myself and slipping down into that feeling of peace is enough, but you know, you get agitated enough, that's not enough, so we can't be doing all that. I wanted to kind of introduce a calm down technique to help you get a little grounded before you can like deal with emotions once you've gotten escalated. Because like if you are in your thoughts for any reason, just overthinking, you are not dealing with a feeling. And predominantly your feelings that you're running from are the fear of loss, abandonment, rejection, neglect, betrayal, abuse, okay? So it's important to get to the place where you can stop the thinking and feel. But when you're dysregulated, it can be hard to do that. And if you're a person living in survival mode, it could be hard to do that. So I wanted to walk you through something that I do to kind of get into Dululu land where I can picture myself in the energy I wanna be. So I'm gonna play a frequency and I will attach that was used for like eclipse energy if you were someone who did any manifesting around that. I know I did. Anyway, so we're just gonna play a frequency that will help your nervous system get to a certain place. And I want you to take two short inhales and a long exhale like this. One more time. Now we can do some square breathing in for out for. I'm gonna get into my feeling of peace. I'm getting into that space that I feel when I'm feeling relaxed. It will help like if you're in your car or even just a sit up strater, drop your shoulders back. Open your chest. Make sure that your arms are in no way towards the center of your chest. You want it as open as possible. Notice how your breathing even becomes easier because your chest is open. I want you to picture yourself in the perfect weather for you. Whatever that is with the sun shining on your face in the best way doesn't hurt. Just gives you all the nutrients that you've been lacking from the lack of sunshine. I want you to picture yourself soaking in love, nourishment, validation, acceptance, belonging, all from the sunlight. I want you to picture yourself receiving everything you need just from standing in the sun. If you can picture yourself standing in the sun with your arms out to the side wide open, head up towards the sun. Lean back a little bit, your shoulders are back, your posture is open. You can be doing this however you want. You can be laying in your bed, you can be driving, you can be walking, but you can still envision yourself. Receiving every nutrient that the sun wants you to have including all the love and emotional fulfillment that you could possibly ever want. And I want you to picture that person receiving all the sunlight as both your best self and your current self because both versions of those are right there looking at you. If you can picture yourself walking up to this version of you that knows how to call out everything they've ever wanted just from sunlight. And I want you to picture yourself introducing your current self to this future self. See the similarities, see the differences. I bet you the only real difference that you can see is that that person feels really good. And maybe you don't right now. I want you to tell that future self version of you that you want peace above all. And when you get that peace, the love and compassion that you have for yourself becomes a part of your center right along with peace. And we don't talk shit about ourselves or anyone else anymore. We don't hide. We don't run around anticipating the needs of others. We trust the people that we love and we trust ourselves. So if somebody needs something, they're going to ask. And if we have the reserves, if we have the energy, time, money, resources, then we'll help. But if we don't, we'll sit with them in whatever they need. If we don't have anything to give, then we will lovingly apologize to ourselves for caring. And that our natural instinct is to blame ourselves, so that we can't fix everyone else around us. We're going to look at this future version of ourselves soaking in the sunlight and we're going to understand that to get there, we are not going to know every step of the path. We are going to have to trust this version of ourself to get us where we're going. And the only reason you don't is because someone told you not to a long time ago. But you can, you can trust yourself. And wherever you are right now, I'd love if you could just give yourself a hug. And forgive yourself for not being perfect. For not knowing how to fix yourself all the time or fix everyone else. For not knowing why it's so important to you that you be responsible for everyone's feelings. Forgive yourself that no matter how much you know, it's still hard to do better. But is it, is it still hard? Or did you just think you were going to be perfect at it? But forgive yourself for even questioning your abilities. Look at yourself and say, "Hey, even though I'm anxious right now, or even though I'm having a hard time believing in myself right now, I still love myself. I love you, buddy." This is why we preach self first. Because you can only meet people at your current level of healing. So if you want to be a person who impacts the world, you got to impact your world first. I'm going to slowly reduce the frequency. Let's take one more deep breath in. Let's exhale together. We're going to do one more exhale without an inhale. And when you do this, I want you to envision black spoke coming out of your mouth that is full of all the toxic bullshit that you're carrying around with you. I know this was kind of random today, but those are my random thoughts. And I just know that if you approach everything in this world from a place of love and compassion for yourself, it will help you to sit in actual feelings instead of the judgment or shame that we're using to view the world. I love you guys. I can't tell you how grateful I am for every single listener, every single day, I am my ideal self. And that person is not perfect in any way, shape or form. But what she is is full of love and compassion for herself and all of you. And I appreciate you. I hope that this will resonate with someone. I hope it helps. And I just really am so thankful. And that is all for today. So until next time, let's all just keep swimming. Hey, what do you say? Listen, first and foremost, please make sure that you have provided this podcast with a five-star rating on whichever platform that you are listening. If you want to support the show, please rate, like and share. Also like, comment and share on any social media posts that you see for me on Instagram or Facebook or TikTok. Please follow the podcast Facebook. Emotionally unavailable podcast. You can shop my foot online store or schedule a one-on-one with me. Emotionallyunavailablepodcast.org. I'm offering what I'm calling non-traditional counseling, astrology readings and tarot readings. And thank you so much for listening to the Emotionally Unavailable Podcast. Emotionallyunavailable. I-N-D-E-P-E and CUT.