"Well," said the friend, "did you discover her point of view?"
"I don't know that I did," replied the woman, "but at any rate I think mine has undergone a considerable alteration." [Stephen Crane, An Experiment in Misery].
Into the Void
A Long Strange Trip
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Into the Void. I'm your host, Annie Kay. Now officially, Annie Kay, K-A-Y-E, because I went to the GMB this week for the fourth time, and fourth time's the charm, and now I'm gonna wait for my new driver's license in the mail with my new name. So I'm very excited, and that's just the first, well, it's not the first step, but it's a whole process to change one's name as I'm discovering, and so I've done the legal name change in court, then I'm doing my license, et cetera, et cetera, but it's kind of a happy thing for me, even though it's not a happy circumstance that cause me to do it, because it feels like just taking, taking ownership of myself in my own life and narrative, if that makes sense. Okay, puppy, I love you. So I've been recording and re-recording this, and instead of trying to piece together, because the first recording I made was kind of shit. So here we are, here we are. What do I wanna say? I just, I really wanted to say that I was making my art, and it was making me so happy, and then I was feeling, and then I was having, and then I was getting a little bit, not the thing that, the thing that, and then what was interfering with the process, or what was coming up when I was enjoying myself, was like a part of me that was sort of trying to ruin it, or like make it, or like make me feel scared, or worried about what I was doing, that there was something wrong with it that I was gonna get in trouble. That's really what it was, if I'm thinking about it. And then I was making up all of my defenses for my art process about what I was gonna say, when I got in trouble for making collages, and including this person's work, that person's work, and like, it's this whole complicated, crazy, honestly crazy, a little bit neurotic. Maybe neurotic is a better word than crazy. It was a whole neurotic thing that I was doing. And really, it comes from, I mean, that's something I've been told, I guess, by my mom, who may be the only other person listening to this, besides my shrink, and a couple of friends if they listen, or just some random weirdos. Hello, random weirdos. If you're listening, I love you. Send in love to you out there. But, you know, my mom has obviously, or not obviously, but my mom has access to all of this, and I guess I wanted to be able to create my art, and also, you know, I don't want to do it. I wanted to honor the idea that I have this poster, which is somewhere in, you know, a pile somewhere, but it's a poster, like, it's a picture from, it's a Keith Herring poster, and it's like, it's a Polaroid picture of Keith Herring, where he, and it's his writing underneath, where he says my private, like, my public persona is a reflection of my private person, or something, to that effect. And I think that's a beautiful sentiment, and I try to honor that. And so I think it's very hard to honor that if you're doing stuff in secret, right? Because it's like, why does it have to be secret, if you're the same person in public and private? And I understand that, I also, and my mom has just been, like, so generous, really. So I guess I want to say that, too, and I don't, I know she's gonna think I'm talking, and I'm not talking about financial. She's been really generous in spirit with me around this stuff, and around her tolerance for my self-expression and my art and my work, even when it feels painful to her. When her experience listening to it, witnessing it, reading it, is viewing it, is painful, is upsetting, is whatever. She still has said repeatedly. And she wants me to feel free to create my, to do my art and stuff, and she doesn't wanna, even if it doesn't reflect well on her. I think that's the other piece. And so I appreciate that. That takes a real strength and generosity of spirit, and that's a sign of how much my mom loves me. And I think for a long time, I wasn't sure if my mom loved me, but I know she does. I know she does. We've been through some really rough times together, and it's a testament to both of us that we're still working on things and trying to work it out. And I'm really, I feel so fortunate that I have such an intelligent, thoughtful, and she's gonna snort at this. But I'm being since Sierra wouldn't say it. Like, she's got the capacity. She's not always like this, because none of us are always our best selves. But my mom, and I'll just directly do her on the date. Mom, you've got tremendous capacities of strength, love, generosity, of spirit, and you're so intelligent. You've got real sensitivity also. Like, I know that you can, you don't always have access to it, maybe, but you've got a real sensitivity to you also. And I appreciate all those things about you, and I feel like, I know I wouldn't be who I am without not just like your DNA, but it's not just the genetic material, it's about those things that I witness in you. And when that your capacity is for those things, they, I feel so fortunate. I'm so glad you're my mom. And I, you know, I feel like sometimes when therapists are like, make lemons out of, make lemonade out of lemons, or like silver linings playbook, that film, which was a great film. But, you know, the past is what it is. I can't change the past. And I don't, my mom hasn't purposefully really, you know, they were like, it's like every parent, it's an impossible task. I absolutely believe that. Being a parent is an impossible task, and there's no way to do it right. Whatever you do is gonna be riddled with mistakes because that's life. It's your first time being a parent. It's your first time living life. That's true for all of us. We're all doing this for the first time. So we can maybe learn from what other people have to teach if we're listening or open to that. But, you know, it's never right. It's never right. And I know that there were some really profound lapses. In my, in my childhood in terms of like care, you know, appropriate care, there was neglect where there should have been care. But I also know that like whatever happened, my mom had no intention and didn't purposely do anything other. What she wanted to do was to provide me with a solid loving base and a wonderful life. That was her intention as my mother. And I think intention is really important because often it's all we got. We can't control how things land or how they play out. And so it's like in hindsight, well, okay, hindsight is 2020. So I don't want, I don't want my mother to punish herself or criticize herself endlessly or like her reign herself, you know, for whatever happened in the past. Like what we've got is now and we're so lucky we've got each other now, Mom. And I'm sure we're gonna go through more blowups because like it's just, it's gonna keep happening for a bit. I do think we're making progress. And that's just a testament to both of us and our strength and our love for one another and our intention with one another and what we want in our sort of drive and perseverance. Okay, I'm done with all that. Done with the like, done with the giving us, giving myself and everyone paths on the back. And actually, instead of what I was gonna do was launch into this whole explanation 'cause my art, but I'm just gonna take responsibility for myself for a change. How's that? And I think the point is that I have a very critical voice when, and a fear that comes when I'm making my art and I sort of like ruin the experience for myself by anticipating the ways in which I'm gonna get in trouble from making my art and since I'm a collage artist it's gotta do with like appropriation and (mumbles) and like then I start and it's like, instead of just enjoying the process, I'm dealing with the sort of future focus, kind of very neurotic anxieties. And so I think that this episode, when it's turned out, this episode of Into the Void has turned out to be about, is about like the setting a new intention for myself and that intention is about like, I can only control myself. So it's about trying as best I can not to kind of ruin or detract from positive experiences I'm having with, you know, in the various ways I do that. And I have a lot of ways of doing that. It's about letting myself have fun and joy in the present. And I don't know if other people struggle with this. I imagine a lot of folks do. Because, you know, we've all got a lot of anxiety these days. The election is on the horizon. I think some people must be like, what are you talking about? Like the elections about to happen, the country is falling apart. There's war all over the place. Like, well, you're so self-involved. And yeah, I am self-involved and it's intentional because I can't control that shit and I wanna enjoy my life. Like, we don't choose the times we live in. And I think that, you know, nobody deserves that to suffer the way folks are suffering right now. And the way folks are always suffering in this world. But like, we also all, we all deserve all the good people out there. And I think there are there a number of you despite my, sometimes my cynicism on that count. But, you know, we deserve, we deserve our portion of joy and happiness. And so, I think what I'm saying is when the opportunity presents itself, it's a question of like, let's not, I would say don't, if you can, don't shut out the good stuff, which I've done for so many years. I think it's a very common trauma issue. And now I'm gonna, I'm recalling something that my shrink said to me early on and this in my process is like, I'm not gonna say journey because that's looking like a joke that word. But I, but early on in like my treatment, you know, she said, you know, what's the hardest stuff for trauma survivors, it's letting the good stuff in. So I'll just, I'll end it there today. If you're out there listening and you've got some way to, if you've got some good stuff that you see somewhere on the horizon, let it in, if you can. Try to let it in because you deserve, you deserve the good stuff. You deserve some joy. And there's enough, you know, life has enough pain and difficulty. So when the good stuff is there, like this little puppy, instead of continuing to talk into your phone, Annie, I'm gonna, I'm gonna end this episode and I'm gonna enjoy the good stuff right in front of me. Thanks so much for listening. And mom, I love you mom, love you.