The Road to Teshuva | Part 9, by Rav Moshe Taragin
Personal and Collective Viduy; Macro and Micro Teshuva; Creating Shock and Sorrow
KMTT - the Torah Podcast
The Road to Teshuva | Part 9
As we get closer to Yom Kippur, let's start honing in a little bit more in Vidoy in what role Vidoy plays. Vidoy appears twice in the tower, once in a collective form. In the end of Bechokosai, it is Vadhuavonam that after Amistrol is demolished and scattered and suffering and in a context in which is clear why. We are also suffering and persecuting, but we don't really know why. But after the first Gullis, which is described in Bechokosai, Amistrol knew exactly why they were sent into exile because of the moral religious breakdown of the first base of Mictus. And the other Vidoy is about a personal sin, about a ghesele, like Yair, Visvadhu, Sratasam. But of course, it's just a paradigm for any Vidoy in personal sins. And that's why we have two different types of Vidoy. There's a Vidoy that we recite in a personal level. We bang our chests and we'll talk about it a little bit later maybe. Then there's a collective Vidoy, which we say, there has a Arsehats. And that's actually a very confident sounding redoie. It comes from the 13th or 14th century German marching tune. When armies used to march, they would have drummers and music to keep pace and to try to frighten the enemy. So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all is aggressive, of a celibetric set, because when you ask for Vidury, and for Chuvah, and a personal level, you feel an adequate and undeserving and humble, and you're pleading, and you sing into yourself and say, "Lachashem, hastakah, velanah, boshas, apanim," when you're asking that a Shem forgive Ammister, that after he has a confidence and a power and a glory, because the Shem promised us that when we recite the idkimomidos, our Tvilos would not be sent away empty handed. So this is the difference between Vidury of the Yachid and Vidury of the Tibor. Now, what has happened to our Vidury? Our Vidury has become very, very extensive. If you look in the Gomara, in Yoma Pezayan, Hazal's Vidury was much shorter than our Vidury. In fact, according to many, according to Shmuel, I don't have the Gomara in front of me, the Vidury was three words. Now we are saying that Shmuel would stand when the Khazim would get to that point. It's based on the Pasik in Parshas, what does it Parshas mikates, where the brothers of Yosev realize that connect the dots between the struggle and between their sins 20 years earlier. When we say Avila, Nakhnavab, Senu Khattanu, Avila, Shaimim and Nakhnavab, Vidury doesn't have to be elaborate, alafbez, Ashamdul, Bhagannus, alchates. Now, over the years, this of course didn't exist in the Gomara, the Vidury of our Khazal was much more brief and succinct. Over the years, they developed the two Vidury's that we know based on the alafbez, the Ashamdul, Bhagannu, Vidury. And the more extensive and intricate and precise alchates, alchates, alchates, alchates, alfanaqah, again double letters, two alats, two baes, two gimels, two dalats, two haze. Now this brings both a great benefit, but also a bit of a challenge. The benefit is it gives you an almost built in moral inventory. I would recommend, as we spoke about it in Tishland-Jabbas, to try to sit down at some point this week and make a list, either mentally or put pen to paper, of the five areas you'd like to improve in life. They can be avaros and mitzvos, they can be bad traits, they can be bad relationships, but to conduct a moral inventory. Even if you don't get around to it, the alchate is a built in moral inventory. And I will, Mr. Shah, put out alchates here on my shelf and you're free to take them and to use them, based on the shayadam, a 19th century dancer, rather than Danzig, I think it was Polish. Polish rabbi who explained all the ashamdulillah and bhagannus and traced them far beyond the limited word ashamdulillah, means that I deserve to be destroyed. But it can refer to other types of avaros that have to do with the letter alif, like achila, and other types of avaros. So if you read the ashamdulillah explanations, you have a built in moral inventory. And even though in the beginning of Yom Kippur, you're only batting 30%, yeah, only 30% of these avaros apply to me. As Yom Kippur goes on, and your ego starts to fall away, and your denial starts to wither, you start to attach more of the avedos and more of the ashamdulillah to your behavior. It's a little more of the avedos to your behavior. It's hard to talk when you're so tired. Okay, so the problem though of the alhates and the ashamdulillah is that there are two parts to chuva. And I talked about this yesterday to the dish to the first of your boys who have heard this yesterday. I apologize, there's micro chuva where you inspect your behavior, your actions, your details, your motives. But you can't ignore macro chuva. We think about the general direction you're taking in life, your general identity, who you are as a person, how centered religion is in your life, how focused you are in Akarish Barrow. Sometimes you can be so attentive to the trees that you ignore the forest and you lose sight of the forest. And Yom Kippur, you have to toggle between micro chuva and macro chuva. And the days of Hazal when the vidos were more general, avila, shame in manachnu or comparable, so they didn't force you and push you into a minute form of chuva. Because of the alhates and the ashamdulillahs, which are extremely helpful, and that's why they're parts of the chuva, don't forget during Yom Kippur to take the long view of vidoi. What types of opportunities have I missed in life? How can I catch up and compensate for those lost opportunities? What type of person do I want to be? How idealistic am I? How selfish am I? These are very hard to shoehorn into the alhates and the ashamdulillahs, but they're crucial to think about Yom Kippur. So don't allow the alhates and the ashamdulillahs to narrow your focus and create an myopic chuva when chuva also has to be panoramic. And the days of Hazal, before we had ashamdulillahs and alhates, it was easier to toggle between the two and easier to calibrate between the two. Now, why do we say vidoi? Why is vidoi so important and so significant? So it's based on tupsukum. One is apostak in Mishle and chafras. And one is apostak in T'hilim, paraklama kras. By the way, here's a chance for me to pitch the two most underrated prakam of chuva in all of Safer T'hilim. T'hilim is one long Safer of chuva, not every parak, but the overriding tone is chuva and repentance. It's only David Amalq's part of T'hilim. David wasn't the sole author of T'hilim, excuse me, of T'hilim. But certainly some of the pieces of David directly authored are suffused with remorse and regret and mortification and sorrow and melancholy and dispirdness and disheartened and frustration and hopelessness and futility and all the emotions of chuva. Maybe we'll talk about some of those emotions tomorrow. It's a good idea of what types of emotions should you try to feel this week. But initially, Para Khafras, Chlamos says, "M'chasep-cha-av-la-yats-liach-um-o-deh-vi-o-zeh-vi-ir-u-ham." "M'chasep-cha-av-la-yats-liach-um-o-deh-vi-o-zeh-vi-ir-u-ham." That's very practical. If you cover your sins, you won't succeed in chuva. So Vito is very pragmatic. You articulate them. When you articulate them, then you're able to be comprehensive, to identify them, and hopefully to repair them. So in Chlamos-amalach approaches Vito, it seems very pragmatic, very tactical. "M'chasep-cha-av-la-yats-liach-um-o-deh-vi-o-zeh-vi-ir-u-ham." When David, remember I said those two prokim, 38 and 51, "Lamikhas-t-n-n-al-yats-t-r-to-take a moment this week, and read Para Khlamikhas-n-n-n-al-yats-you'll feel the torrent of David-amalach's emotions after his sin." One is literally written after the sin of bach-eva. He literally writes in the introduction, after the sin of bach-eva. In Para Khlamikhas, David-amalach says a different, or provides a different framing for Vito. "Ki-av-oni-a-gid-ed-ag-mech-t-a-zeh." When I speak my sins and articulate my sins, then I worry, "ed-a-g-mech-t-a-zeh-i." "Ki-av-oni-a-gid-ed," when I speak them, "hag-a-da," "ed-a-g-mech-t-a-zeh." Those of you who have a literary sense will notice this is a literary device called en-jamment, where you break the sequencing and the rhythm of the sentence, and you have noun, verb, verb, noun, or verb, noun, noun, verb. Normally, when you write a multi-structured sentence, it's noun, verb, noun, verb. "I went to the store, and I bought milk." I wouldn't say, "I went to the store, milk I bought." Unless I wanted to create some literary motion and some literary thrust. "Ki-av-oni-n-a-gid-verb," when I speak, when I speak my sin, noun, verb, "ed-a-g-I-wur-i-mech-t-a-zeh," from my sin. So it's noun, verb, verb, noun. "Ki-av-oni-n-a-gid-ed," speak, verb, "ed-a-g-I-wur-i-mech-t-a-zeh," from my sin. That's called en-jamment. You're taking two words that are not naturally sequenced, and you're yoking them together almost violently to create an impact. Why? To create the power of agid, agid, agid, agid, agid, agid, agid, agid, agid, agid, agid. Why? Part of Vidoy is not just to cover all your bases and to conduct a comprehensive moral inventory. Part of Vidoy is when you say something, it gets clarity. That's why precision of language is always an expression of precision of thought, and precision of language allows you to think more clearly. You're supposed to say, "Achisaran in Hazbara is achisaran in Havana." If you can't explain it properly, you don't understand it deeply. That's why it's a good chance for me to pitch to you, having a good vocabulary. Read a lot. The more words you have at your disposal, the sharper your thought process. Eskimos have nine words for snow. For snow, for us, snow is something very tangential, very peripheral to our lives. We don't need to distinguish between icy snow and puffy snow and dirty snow and watery snow because snow is something that's on the periphery and the margins of our experience. But Eskimos have to live with snow. They need to distinguish between the snow, not being an Eskimo. I can't really tell you. But what type of snow they'll use for an igloo? What type of snow they'll use to freeze the fish? What type of snow they'll use to make water? They need to distinguish nine types of snow. Seven, nine, different words of snow. The sharper your language. So either Ramam says Lush and Akodesh is called a holy language. We would think it's more celestial because it's a Shhem's language, but that's already a very complicated question. What does it mean for a Shhem to have a language? But the Ramam says something very simple. You know why Hebrew is Lush and Akodesh? Because there's no direct word for sexual activity. Everything is a euphemism. Yishkav, badam yadda eschava, dishkavana, come on. It's a joke. We all know what these words mean. Yes, but since they're euphemisms, euphemisms, they're not direct expressions. Then in our minds, the images are also less clear. Since we're not using a verb to describe that action, the image in our mind is always going to be one step less direct and less direct. And therefore, it's a pure language that creates pure imagery in our mind. They're going to say, "So when Rebbe passed away, it was an apocalypse." I lived through the rubs, the arrows in Boston, at the rubs funeral. I thought the world was ending. How could there be a world without Rebbe's salvation? How could there be a world without Rebbe? So they announced, "Whoever says Rebbe's dead should be stabbed." They call it Ambe Rebbe mace. Sumis Christology, Dakar Beharov should be stabbed. What if we make believe that Rebbe's not dead, he's alive? If everyone hides the fact that he died and no one says it, no, there's a difference between knowing it and saying it. When you say it, you make it more graphic. Now that Ambe left purpose for Rebbe is not just to be comprehensive and to tactically and practically conduct the list, but to say it and to create something which is graphic and auditory and to create shame, and that's what that Pasek in Paraklam et Chas conveys. Kiyavoni agid, when I say it, ed ag. Then I can enter the world not just their perfunctory formulaic Chuvah, that's called New Year's resolutions. Yum Kippur's not New Year's resolutions. On January 1st, no one feels remorse. January 1st, no one feels shame. January 1st, no one feels regret, mortification, sadness, sorrow, melancholy. So do you hear what I want to do today? I want to go to the gym. I'll sign up for membership. Of course, I'll cancel it after a month. But no one feels remorse or regret. You know, New Year maybe starts a new project or something. Yum Kippur is shame. Disappointment, mortification. Remember, I told you this last week, you have to visit the boundary of these very dark emotions for your Chuvah to be real. Sadness, lost opportunity, remorse, regret, melancholy. But never cross the boundary to despair, helplessness, and futility. Because once you cross that boundary into the territory of despair, you lose your passport for return. And you cannot sometimes return from the territory of despair. But if you don't visit the boundary, your Chuvah is very hollow. It's just check boxes and what try you should improve. Chuvah has to be poignant and passionate. It has to be a breakdown, an internal war, the night of the soul, a spirit that suffuses you of longing for something more and something that you've lost in life. You all started this world, as I did, with the potential to be much ravino. As the Ramam says, that potential has died. You've buried it. Every year that you don't maximize your potential, you bury a part of yourself. And as much as you can improve yourself, that part is buried in the ground. That potential can never be retrieved. So it's an avalis for Chuvah. What does Yermi say? Ma yusonayna-dham-kai-gevaral-hatav. A person should be an onay for the sins because the sins are part of you that can never be recovered. Even though you can rewrite the past, you can't recover potential. Potential just dissipates. Once you don't use something, you lose it. And that potential can never be regained. So vidoy, we're starting the week of Yermi-kippur and the week of Vidoy, it stems from these two sakim. One is in Mishlech-haf-ras, Mecha-sep-shab-lei-as-seach, umm-mo-deh, vio-sev, yer-u-ham, technical, davn-a-mal-a-mal-a-mal-a-mif-ras-ki-a-von-i agid-ed-ed-ag. Agid-ed-ed-ag, mecha-t-a-si, to create the dia-gah, the agon, the sad-des, the morning, that Chuvah should be accompanied with. Have a meaningful, fast, everyone. Embrace the fatigue. If you're exhausted, that's a good thing. It's good to be exhausted this time of year. Don't cave into your weakness. Keep pushing yourself as hard as you can today. This is what it means to be an au vidoy-sham. Take it thin. Have a good day, everyone.