Knowing your core values is pivotal and mandatory for your success in life, in relationships and definitely in your personal growth and understanding that these are your core values and not anybody else's. So let's talk about how you can find those right now. Hey, hey, hey everybody and welcome back to the positivity experience. It's your girl, Laurie and man, happy, happy October. It's basically October. I was just talking to my friend Jen this morning at Pickleball and she's like, can you believe like September's gone? I'm like, it definitely flew by and older you get. It seems like time just flies by, especially when you're busy and I painted a bedroom this weekend. I went to a fall festival. So it can really make time go by a lot faster, but this time for myself in the priority for me is a big core value of mine. The personal time, the personal growth and having that is a core value. This is not to be confused with a goal. No, your goals come from that, but your core values, you got to know so it could be integrity, creativity, personal growth. You have to establish what they are and not let other people tell you and growing up, that's what could have happened. The podcast over on Patreon is going to complement this. Great. And it will provide you with a worksheet. It's going to give you prompts on how you can start to decide, okay, wait, what are my core values? Because you'll hear a lot of things. You'll be like, Oh, I know them. Oh, we all thought that the first time I've ever done this years ago. And I ever known again, I will revisit them because they're pretty much always going to be the same because it's a core value, but there'll be different goals coming off of those things. Yeah, first time I did it, I was like, Oh my God, that's not at all what I thought a core value was, you know, I'm just like, well, be kind. I'm like, okay, that is a moral, not a value. And then that's what you're going to do is you're going to work around that. So if you need that worksheet, please jump over to patreon, patreon.com forward slash the positivity experience, or you can just find that link right in the show notes in the description below. But I really want to go into that. Cause like I was saying, a core value for me is always going to be personal growth. That it's a core value. It's a non-negotiable core value to me and I will base a lot of my decisions and actions based around that. So I want to go into it and we're going to comparatively say, well, what if you're dealing with somebody who may not have the same core values? And again, don't get those confused with morals and desires and preferences. That is not the same as a core value. And you can have relationships with people who have different values than you. And from a core value perspective, you just have to say, is it going to conflict with it and does it irritate mine? And it's so important because I think that's why we get caught up in feeling stuck at times because you're walking around looking for someone on a purpose. And then your lack of patience comes into play because now you're not patient in trying to figure out what those look like and then you're trying to figure them out so you can achieve this bit of like happiness or peace. And that is not how that's going to work. This is just simply something that you're going to have a foundational build on. And I've talked about core values before, but someone asked if I could come back and do it maybe like more intense kind of this and then comparatively how you would respond to somebody who has different core values. And I thought, well, okay, here I am. You ask, I'm going to provide you. So here we are. So this is for the lovely people who have reached out and asked me to not rerecord, just kind of add more into the recording. So I made sure to do that. So this is for you guys and whoever else is here to listen. So I want to go into it because what they do is it sets, like I said, the foundation of the identity and your decision making, right? Because you know, you're like, I'm not going to make a decision. This will help you that this will help you because you're going to say, am I living according to my values? Now when you're dealing with insecurities, you're dealing with attachments. Of course, it's going to be a little bit more difficult. However, when you establish your core values, it's a lot easier to make a decision. Is this supporting my growth? Is this supporting what I find important? And they both, they both may have it, but ones might have way less than the other. So then that decision is already made for you. Okay. And it's funny because we'll talk about how people's actions and words and like not lining up. And that is huge about them not living in their core values. And then you have to decide what level of relationship you want with them. And if it's you that says, you know, I know you've heard, like, walk it like you talk it or, you know, walk the walk that you talk. And, but it's true, right? So you can't say I want creativity, right? Like creativity is a goal of mine, right? A goal. It will, it will become a goal. But let's say it's a core value. I need expression of creativity regardless. You say this and then you don't do the work for it. So you say, I want to be creative, but you're never doing creative work. Well, the actions and the words are not aligning. In turn, you're not really living your core value. It's not judgment. It's just awareness. It's really going to help you. And it also helps navigate relationships and personal growth, of course. So what are values? Val, I've got the, I cannot even speak. Values are obviously not the English language for me, but values are guiding principles. These are your values and they act as a, as like a compass. Okay. Cause it's telling you which direction that you want to go in. So it's acting as a compass for your choices and your actions without needing to really pressure yourself into doing them. Like they just kind of help. They just kind of help you. They're like, okay, is this providing me growth? Is this providing me in a space that is going to enhance what my core values are? No. Well, then you have some decisions to make. The issue comes when you're like, okay, but I want this. Okay. You could want a lot of things, but does it align with your values? That's where people get screwed right there. Yeah. I know my core values, but I mean, but I like this person or I like this job or I like this place. Okay. Is it supporting your core values? If the answer is no, then you are not living in your true, true, authentic, core, valued self. All right. This is so, so important because it also helps not just your choices, but your actions, you better make sure that your actions are in alignment with what it is that you want. Okay. So without knowing what those are, you run a risk of making decisions that are going to conflict with your authentic self. And that's going to lead to dissatisfaction on a big level and confusion. Right. Because if you're navigating and you have this all written out and you really know your why, which we're going to talk about here in a minute, because it's all going to sound good on paper. Oh, I want this. I want that. These are my values. Are they, are they really your values? Or are they the values that someone told you? Well, family first, regardless of what happens, family first. Why would that be a core value for you? If that's how you feel, but just keep in mind, that means that you're not going to have boundaries with them. Because to say family first, regardless gives a whole lot of space for you to have very unhealthy relationships in the family, because it's basically saying it doesn't matter if you like it, how you feel about it. Yeah, they're family. So you're going to take what it is. So now if you take on that family as one of your core values, what does that actually mean to you? Does family mean to you like, Hey, you know, we're collective and we support each other, or does it mean like, Hey, your family? So regardless of what is said and done, I just have to deal with it, because that's how, you know, that's how I was taught how you were taught does not have to be your core value, but you have to get clear in understanding what your true value is, because or core value is because if not, you're just skirting along, trying to figure out why your life doesn't seem to fit your narrative of what you want, but you're not clear on what you want. And when you say things like, I want to feel happy, I want to be at peace. Um, I want to just be good. Well, that is not enough and it will never be enough. That also indicates that you're not going to have patience. If you are not willing to buckle up for the long haul for the rest of your life, with, I mean, you have improvements, but if you're not willing to buckle up and be okay with really assessing you, because it isn't everybody else at you. And when you're okay with that, that gives you so much more power, but that means you have to dismantle a lot of things. Cause as you're doing these core values, you're going to be like, well, hell, I don't even know. Like I thought this is what I wanted. I wasn't sure. But if you're seeking just happiness, peace and all of these other things, that's going to be the wrong reason. That's right. Those will come, those will come with consistency and alignment, but you're seeking something without doing the work. I mean, listen, in reality, shit with all like a fast fix. I mean, that's human nature. That's how the human brain works. But if you're not willing to do this, that means you have to go to the wide beneath the wide beneath the why of this core value. Why is that your core value? What is it that makes this a non-negotiable way that you are going to live your life and make choices off of, because that's the thing. Again, you could like something or someone and be like, oh my God, that's so great. And then you look at your core values and you go, hmm, now you start negotiating. Well, I mean, we could work on it. And then if they do this, then their values align with this. And now we're good. You got to stop doing that, accept it for what it is. Take the L and keep it moving. I'm telling you, that's where you're going to struggle a lot, a lot. Now, consistency in life, you know how you ever said, God, how can I be consistent? Well, core values is going to give it to you. Because you're going to align your goals. Really think about this. You're going to align your goals and your daily actions. We're back on the actions again with your core values that you will create consistency in life and you'll start to know a purpose. Because you keep seeking a purpose of like, I need to do this and help people. OK, lovely, love that sentiment, why? Because I want to, that's not a core value. It's a desire. How does that mesh? Because you want it to be, remember, a core value can't be what you do for other people. I mean, that sounds terrible. No, a core value is helping other people, but you don't help other people to establish a core value like that, that can't be that. Like you can't be like, well, I'm going to go do all of these amazing things. And then that establishes a core value. That's not how that works. And that's why sometimes you have to fall back. Sometimes you have to be in solitude for a while. I don't mean like in the middle of a room by yourself. But sometimes you have to reconsider certain relationships. But that too will come with consistency with your core values. People want to have clarity and they want knowledge until it's not convenient. OK, let me repeat that. People want knowledge and they want these things. But they don't want the discomfort that comes with it. So that I mean, that's just not going to happen. You can't be like, well, I want to be good. I want to be happy. Well, guess what? Six people might have to go out of your life. You might have to be willing to walk away from a marriage or not talk to an adult child or a parent. You don't know that it could be dramatic. I mean, that's dramatic, but it's not like out of the realm. If you're not willing to do that, you don't change your core values for somebody else. And that's why you feel stuck because you're like, Oh, well, for so long, my identity was to make sure that mom was OK and I had to do all of these things. And so that became my identity. OK, well, that's why you're here today. So why you're listening to this podcast and probably eight other podcasts and you're probably doing all this work and all these self-help books, you're not going to find an aha life-changing fix life-changing moments, aha life-changing ideas and direction. But there's no fast fix in a podcast, a therapy session, a pill, a date. It is not one hat fits all. It is not. And it is only one little pebble on your journey. So you got to stop looking to research something to find your aha life. Now this will transform your life 100%. It's name in the title. This will transform your life if there's an if here, if big if capital letters bolded, underlined, if you are willing to do the work. Having knowledge is just having knowledge. Executing it is where the change is. All right. So it's great that you have this, but are you being consistent? Are you listening to it with the idea of, is this supporting my values? What is this enhancing to help bring clarity to those values? Well, I can tell you what it is. I can, it's my entire profession. I have clients all over the world. You guys know that and it's the same thing. Everybody wants to get out of how they feel, but they are willing, willing to do the difficult work. That means I have to go inside. I can't blame my childhood. I can't blame just my narcissist husband. All valid, valid, by the way, all valid, but you can't live in that to not be able to establish your core values, because that is something that somebody can't take from you, your core values, your mindset and your reactions. Nobody can take those from you. You're in charge of those, by the way, and it fosters success. And it's, you're not constantly pulled in directions that don't align with your beliefs. You ever feel like you're like, Oh my God, I'm pulled in 800,000 different directions. Listen, single parents, I understand because I was a single parent and you do feel like you're pulled in many directions while you have your core values, you're able to start to say, okay, what are my priorities? Are my priorities in alignment? Because sometimes you're like, why are these goal? What the hell these goals I never meet? Or I met this goal and I'd feel like, yeah, because again, you're seeking something externally to make you feel whole and it doesn't exist. But by having this, you understand that it's going to go forward. You're going to go backwards because life is fluid. Life is impermanent. Remember we did that a couple of weeks ago. Life changes, but your core values don't have to, but your goals around those core values can. By establishing them also, it provides resilience in challenges. Because listen, we're all going to have them, right? So there's no reason to start thinking that it's never going to be, you know, challenged because, I mean, that's all life works. But in moments, moments of difficulty or uncertainty, if you know what your values are, you can ground yourself, you really ground yourself. It provides clarity and confidence on how you proceed. Right? Because this will help you stay true to yourself, even when external circumstances are chaotic. Very, very important. So think about that. You're having these moments because life is lifeing. Life is lifeing. Ooh, and sometimes life comes in a lifeing heart. Okay. And no, you're not always just going to be like, Oh, please, let me just top in. But it does help because it allows you to go, OK, what am I so stressed about? Is it something that's uncomfortable? Yes. OK. Well, that's hard and it's challenging. It's valid. Is it something that is challenging my core values? Sometimes that's going to happen because you're dealing with humans who have other values that are not yours. And that's not to be judged. We're going to talk about that in a minute because people like to do that too. And it's like, we don't want to do that, but this will help understanding how you're living your life and why you're living it that way. In times of chaos, it at least keeps you grounded. You're like, all right, well, I can't control that, but I control this. So when you feel that's in general, though, when you feel out of control, when you're like, Oh, my God, everything is just completely out of my control. I don't know what I'm going to do. You have the power to focus on what you can control the issue comes because you're trying to change or understand the things that you can't control. Well, that's never going to serve your best and highest good. And you're never going to get the answers that you seek, like, I mean, it just doesn't happen. So what you're looking for is not going to exist, but it can exist inside of you. Because you're like, all right, well, this sucks. And it's not, I'm not happy about it. And I'm allowed to process my feelings. I'm always going to tell you that you're allowed to process your feelings. You just don't want to linger and live there too, too long. Because then you go into victim mentality. And it starts to be at this weird sort of ball. And now we're blaming people. Now we feel rejected and we're projecting and it just, so once you understand it, now there's a bitter pill that your ego is going to have to take. Mm hmm. Your ego is going to have to take the really bitter pill of saying, hey, it doesn't really matter what you want it to be. This is how it is. Is this something that aligns with you or is it not? I mean, some things, I mean, you got to pay taxes. I don't think that really aligns with any of us. But, you know, when it comes to personal things and personal life, this resilience in challenges, right? Because so many times you're like, oh my God, I don't know how I handle that. Well, you're here, right? You're listening to this podcast. Well, guess what? You face challenges and ta-da. You won the challenge. I'm going to say you won it live, but you did go through it. You won that. So don't tell me you can't do it when you're listening to this podcast or watching it on YouTube. You have. So don't say you can't because it's factually, you already have. But when you face it and you're grounded in what your beliefs and your actions are, not what everybody else's actions are, it really helps you navigate stuff like that. And, you know, there's authenticity in relationships. When you understand, by the way, this is where you create boundaries. People say, well, how do I know what my boundaries are? Well, you need to know first and keep in mind. So think of it as like a blueprint, right? So you're creating a blueprint. And this blueprint says, okay, it's not emotional, by the way. When you're creating these values, that's zero emotion. You're not like, well, this would make me sad. And this would, that we're not in emotion. We're just saying, putting it on paper, how this is what I need. This is what, you know, this is why this is what means to me. And this is how I'm going to execute it in my life daily. Boom. Now, you better have some boundaries now with that. Because you just don't have them. And then ask somebody, hey, please don't do that. What the hell is that? That's not a boundary. And this is where you'll start getting very clear and, oh, well, I don't have to give mom a different boundary. And I don't have to give my sister a different boundary. This is just aligning with my core values. Then you're not even overthinking it. Now, the beautiful thing about boundaries is sometimes you'll add, sometimes you'll subtract, sometimes that's the beautiful thing. Because that's why I said, if you go back and you look at your value list, listen, I'm going to recommend you do that once a month. I mean, I do it every third month, but I'm still doing it. Where I really go, it's going to be some self-awareness. Now, sometimes I will do it, especially in the beginning of each new season. Sometimes it can be tough for anybody, especially if you have anxieties. Just the change doesn't matter if it's winter or summer. It doesn't matter. There's a little bit of an altar there. And so you go back and you kind of keep it as a blueprint for you. And you say, okay, am I living according? No judgment. You don't get to judge yourself. But you say, so you print it out, write it out, write it with pen. Don't keep this on your iPad. Don't store it in your notes. I want you to be able to print it and I want you to print it somewhere. And I want you or paste it somewhere. And I want you to keep it there and just kind of keep it in an eye shot, right? You can even write this down maybe even in your gratitude journal, if you want to have something to access and you keep it there. And then you visit it, you go, hmm, am I in alignment with what it is I want? Because you can't judge everybody else. Like, let's stop that. You don't have to worry about what they're doing, what they're not doing. You do want to focus on yourself and say, am I living my life? Are my words and my actions in alignment with what my core values are that I posted? And sometimes they're not going to be. And that's why we have awareness. Why? Because we've had habits. We've had survivals. We've had, gosh, things that people told you, we've had certain traumas. So of course you're going to have certain behaviors and habits that are going to not align with it, which is why you got to come back and be aware. You never judge yourself. Never go, well, what the hell's wrong with you? Like, you keep doing this and why is it always the same thing you should know about it? We're not stop. We're not doing that. Like, not even a little bit. So when you have it up there and you look at it and you go back to visit it, this is where habits can actually shift. Because you're like, oh, wow, I really am not living according to my core value. What kind of habits do I need to change? Not going to be overnight. But at least you have clarity on your why. Because if you're just like, I want to lose weight, that is not a core value. That is not something that you want to, that is not a why. That is not a why. That is not a deep why. It's never going to be a deep why. So it really helps you change a habit by checking yourself and saying, am I living accordingly to what it is that my, you know, that is my core? And if it isn't, well, guess who can change it? You again, no one can take your core values from you. No one can take your mindset from you and no one can take your reactions. Nope. You're in charge of every one of those things, which doesn't that feel good? Doesn't that feel good? No, it might feel isolating because you might look and go. You might have these printed out. By the way, take time doing it. Don't just get off the podcast and be, and especially when you get the worksheet on Patreon. Don't be like, I got to finish this all right now. You're not going to be able to establish that in one sitting. You shouldn't be able to establish it one sitting because you're not going to go in depth enough. Because you got in order to build what that value is, you got to know what the hell you, who are you? Who are you? And this will help, but take your time. And then like I said, once you get that done, now things start to build off that. Goals, boom habits, boom boundaries, boom, you know, self growth, boom. All based on this one foundational type of thing. Because everything is stem from that. The issue comes when people react out of emotion. I'm going to create this boundary out of emotion. That is not a boundary. That is absolutely defensive and ego. A boundary is literally like, is, is creativity is family is freedom. Okay, my freedom is a big one of mine. Now I'm going to talk to you about where that conflicts with somebody else's values. And we're going to talk about that here in just a second. Because that can be a little interesting in relationships. But it does give you a little bit more insight without going, why does somebody do blank? I'm sure you've done that. You're like, what the hell is wrong with these people? Why would they do that? Well, why are you worried? What like seriously in your mind, stop because you're trying to understand someone's core values. And in many ways, you're judging that, which it's not your place to. You don't even have a right to. And it forces you to come back to base because sometimes self awareness and sitting with ourselves can be a little prickly, not so fun. But it's easier to try to figure out what somebody else is or is not doing something. Much easier in it, because you're avoiding it. And again, this does provide clarity in your goals. Because when you are working in that success means something different. Success doesn't just mean money. Success doesn't just mean a job title. That's not success. That's just part of what the next elevation of your job is. So it really helps you understand that and it defines that. So this way, that aligns with your long term goals. Because if not, you're just spinning your wheels, pursuing something that will never meet a goal. And if it meets a goal, it's not a goal that aligns with you. So then you're like, yeah, listen, I see that a lot, right? Where it's like, okay, I wish I just had somebody to date. Boom, boom, boom, fast forward. Okay, got somebody to date. Cool, cool, cool. Now it's like, gosh, I don't know. Yeah, it's great. I mean, but I'm really like, I really want this to go further. And I know I'll be so happy when we get engaged. Boom, boom, cool, cool, cool. Now, okay, gosh, you know, we've been engaged. And like, I just really want to get married. Okay, cool, cool, cool. You did that boom. Oh gosh. Okay, well, we bought this house. Yeah, I love this house six months later. This house is great. I just wish I'd have done something different to it. And my next house got to have da, da, da, da, da. Okay, cool, cool, cool. Okay, if I just had kids, do you see what I'm saying? You're constantly moving the goal post for happy. But hi, if you hear a per per per, I have a little orange kitty cap beside me. That's my Ezzy. And he does not care. Anytime I go on, these guys were sleeping. Anytime I go on the podcast, they're like, oh, she's on the recording machine. Let's go bug her. And I will never tell them no. So that's cat rules 101 side don't. But it is very important to know that why are you getting married? Why is that a value for you? Like, why? Like, what are you hoping to get from your marriage? I mean, I'm married. I've been married twice. I like the security in it. I like the fact that like, you know, we could get the insurance. We, you know, we build something on it. So I mean, you have to say what's important about that for you. And these are important things. Because sometimes you're just chasing happy and you're looking for something. But you don't even know what the hell it is that you're looking for. You just want to feel better. Well, that's not a goal. It's really not a goal. So what does this mean when it comes to relationships and the people around you? This is where I said you want to be careful of judging somebody else's values or lack thereof. You really want to be careful of that. Because to understand how your values differ for someone will help you immensely in navigating any relationship that you have any. And when you see that, it is going to be something that will highlight if you are in anxious attachment, if you have insecurities. The reason I say that you'll start negotiating again, like I was saying before. Yeah. I mean, I know like self growth is a really important core value for me. But I know for them, they really need more like me time or like safety and security. So I mean, you know, I could easily get. Okay. Now we are negotiating. There is a big difference between compromise and boundaries. Big difference. Compromise is like, you know what? Yeah, I was going to go to this birthday party at four, but you know what? I'll go at like seven. Like, no problem. Okay. That's a compromise. Compromise is like, yeah, I wanted Mexican, but you know what? I went for Chinese. Yeah, compromise. It the problem comes when you're compromising your values. That is where the problem is. Because now you're evading a boundary. You are in attachment. This is good for you to understand. You're possibly in in attachment that's not secure. So you're either an avoidant because avoidant definitely comes into play here. Avoidant anxious because anxious and then disorganized, of course, which is like both together and because secure, you're not going to have that. But if you're in that anxious type attachment, you start to try to mold your core values around theirs, but then they're not yours. So then that's creating expectations on your side and even theirs for that matter. And you're unbalanced. You're always going to be unbalanced if you're not following what it is that is valuable to you. It's just it's always going to happen. Right. So there's a value conflict, right? And this is where you'll see this a lot in relationships. You're like, damn, like we're good, but we just value totally different things. But your value, like I said, I value independence. I need my autonomy. I want to be able to get up. I want to go up on myself. I want to hop in the car. I want to go with friends. I want to hop on a plane. I need that. That is non-negotiable for me zero negotiable. That is a core value. That is what I base my life around, just one of the things, by the way, not like all. That's that's one of the things I base my life around, my actions around and my non-negotiable. I'm not compromising it. I will not compromise that. That's not bad. If you know someone else is like, you know what, I value that. Listen, they don't have to have the exact same values, but they do have to respect that and vice versa. It isn't just about you. But if you find someone who, like I said, wants more of a safety and security of, hey, you know, I need to just have you here. I'm more, mine is, let's say family, you know, mine is community, mine is family. This is a core value and not to say that that's not important to me, but it's not a core value of mine. So I'm not going to negotiate around a lot of that based on somebody else's values. And this is where it can become prickly. This is where it can become prickly because you're going to sit there and you're going to try to negotiate that to be something for somebody else. And when this doesn't happen, people get really pissed off. Their feelings get hurt. They feel not important, but I got to tell you, you can't be as important and they can't be as important as your values. I mean, they just can't be because then you're going to sacrifice a lot of things. And if you have that, then you got to say, okay, can I work with that? So that's why people ask me all the time. Can an avoidant and an anxious attachment person work? I would never tell you never because that's too like black and white. I'm telling you in my practice for many, many years, it never works out. Well, that I've seen, okay, I just use an absolute 95% of the times. It does not work out because you're trying to get the other person to see something. The person in anxious attachment wants to communicate it. The person in avoidant attachments like, oh my God, this is too much. Whatever these tears, I cannot deal with your emotions. You're like, why aren't you listening to me? You don't care. This is why stuff like that won't work. It just won't. And so if when you have your sort of value roadmap up there, like it or not, that's what you're basing your life on. And then that's helpful. But that's why you want to ask somebody like, what matters to you? Not morals, right? So again, people mix those two things up. Well, trust and kindness. Okay, those are traits. You know, well, honesty, again, traits. This isn't about that. It's about the stability of what matters the most to you. And that's why I did that worksheet because I got to tell you, when I first sat down and did it, sat down and did it. No, that's a road. That's a, it sounded weird. But when I first sat down to do it, that sounds better. I kept putting all of these traits down. And I kept going, you know, and I was, I was sitting talking to one of my psychiatrists or whatever way back in the day. The first time I did this was years ago. And I was like, okay, I was all proud of myself. Here you go. Look at me. Oh, I found it. They're like, that's not one. That's not one. That's not one. I was like, there was none on there. They're like, I said, well, happiness, that that is not a trait. I mean, that is not a core value. So when we started going through it, then it started to make sense. Because you're basing it on like something like creativity. Is a core value. Creativity. It can be family. It can be freedom. It can be a lot of different things. But you're basing everything. All of your choices and selections are going to be around that. All your choices and selections are going to be around. So creativity is a big umbrella, right? So creativity is like, oh, you're not just, that's not one static thing. But when you're creating actions and goals, you're basing it around one level of this would be in my world is creativity. So when you're basing it on that, everything that I'm doing as much as I can should contribute to a level of creativity. I'm a bowler. I pickleball. I crochet. Crochet is more creative, but action. Action is all part of that too. Learning some new stuff in my brain in the next couple of years. I might pick up the acoustic guitar and try to learn a little bit of that. So it's creativity. It's giving me that. So I'm going to base my consistency and my choices around that. So do you see what I mean? And again, you might need that worksheet. It will help you. And don't feel like, oh my God, I really don't know when you start using words like, and again, I challenge or I encourage you not to use because this is not a core value. Things like kindness and trust and friendships and that's not, we're not doing that. And that's why it can be challenging. Because for so long, that's what you've lived your life in based around relationships on traits. Now, those traits are important. I don't want to make it seem like a screw trust. You don't need that. No, very, very important. But your boundaries will align with that with your foundation of family, right? Because what you want from family might be something different. Someone else may be fine with just living together for the rest of their lives. You may feel like you need the marriage course, then you have to ask why. Because typically it's going to be a business arrangement, which is just fine. But you do have to ask yourself, you know, the why and then get real serious on that. And this is where the judgment, you're going to have to be real careful of that. You don't get to say that yours is better than somebody else. Stop doing that. You don't get to say, well, I don't understand. Now, now you're projecting. Go back to projection. Now you're projecting your values onto somebody else. Why don't understand why family is an important or like, let's say relationships family, you know, why, why community and family isn't as important to them. How could that be? Because it's not important to them. If that's not important to them, you don't get to decide if yours is better. Yours is not better. Yours is not less. Yours is, they are yours. They are yours. And behavioral alignment is very real. Because if the, their behavior and words, this is, I'm going to tell you right now, this is a massive core value of mine and that is consistency. Consistency is, is a massive core value of mine. Listen, I'm not consistent with everything all day long. We're imperfect because perfection is not real. I never wanted to be real and if it was. Consistency falls under growth for me. My actions of consistency is part of my growth. So consistency is like, say it's under the umbrella of personal growth. That is an absolute without a doubt, almost one of my tops. So consistency being there. So if you look at behavioral alignment, I know you know people like this and it might be you and don't judge it if it is. You're like, okay, this is my value, but my actions are not aligning with my words. This is behavioral alignment. So when you see someone saying, I like this, I need this, I want this. And then their actions, like I see this a lot, especially beginning when people are just now starting their journey, they're, okay, I'm going to do the worksheets. Okay, I'm going to do the five journals. I'm going to do this. I'm going to be consistent. And they're not. That's a behavioral misalignment, not to be judged, but be aware of it within yourself. Now, when it comes to other people, because when you're aware of it in yourself, you know where to start making these changes. When it comes to other people, do you really want to be around someone? And again, they might be going through their own growth and that's gorgeous. But just ask yourself how close you want someone to you, whose words are one thing and actions are the other. Keep in mind they are human. Keep in mind you are human. At no point at 100% of the time is somebody's actions going to align with their words. It's just not. It's not for me. It's not for you. I've all kinds of things that I say I'm going to do around the house that I don't often do. So I have to just recalibrate and redo it again. That's not what I mean. I'm talking about the people who talk about how they want the personal growth. They want to do that, but yet you see them not. And you're like, okay, that's frustrating. Not my problem. But now you see that they're bleeding into your relationships. Well, then you do have to decide, is this something or someone that I want to be around? Because if not, you're going to keep spinning your wheels over and over and over. So there's going to be that conflict. You're going to start to see others may project their core values, not their feelings because you're never responsible. That feelings aren't real. I mean, they're real, but they're not facts is the word I was looking for. They're real, but they're not facts. So when you get there, you'll start to realize, okay, these people are projecting this on me. And I'm not going to worry about what their core values are. And this is what you see in childhood. This is how we do things in this course. I mean, that's all they know. I mean, if that's their value, that's how they're going to teach you. But you're not obligated to keep that value. Not even a little bit. So that is going to help you understand and go deeper is creativity one, is family one, is freedom one, what matters to you? And then that's what you're going to build your life around. That's what you're going to build your actions and problem solving and choices. Stop going by how you feel about something and say, is this aligning with something? That's how you do the things. That's where self discipline comes. You know how you say how to get there? Look at your core values. Are my actions aligning with my words? Is this choice going to align with this most of the time? Not all the time. Is this going to align? If it is, do that, if it isn't, don't do that. That is what self discipline is. It comes down to, is this aligning? And is this serving your best and highest good based on those values? That's how your habits change. That's how your life changes. That's how you transform yourself into being the best version and best authentic version of yourself. So be kind to yourself. Realize this is a lengthy process to really kind of evaluate it. And then you're going to look around and it may seem isolating because you may have to distance for many people, many things. And that's okay too. Okay? So with that being said, let's go do that worksheet. [Music] [BLANK_AUDIO]
