Stephanie F Speaking to the Barcelona "Easy Does It, But Do It" meeting on September 27, 2023
The Daily Reprieve
Barcelona Meeting - Stephanie F
[Music] Hello and welcome to the Daily Reprieve, where we provide essays, speaker meetings, workshops, and conferences in podcast format. We are an ad-free podcast. If you enjoy listening, please help us be self-supporting by going to Donate.thewreprieve.com and drop a dollar or two into the virtual basket. Please consider donating monthly by clicking the Donate monthly button. However, one-time donations are always welcome. Just click the Donate Now button. Now, without further ado, this episode of the Daily Reprieve. [Music] Hi everyone. My name is Stephanie. I'm a very portfolio recovering sexaholic and I appreciate giving you the time to speak today. Thank you, Nancy. Thank you for your service. Daniel and everybody who is working behind the scene. Thank you. I wanted to kind of just share some twists and turns that my recovery journey has taken. So, I'll be focusing more on since I got into the program. Because of my acting out, my whole life, I, of course, felt very disconnected from myself and from others. And I've really seen the ways that recovery has been able to bring in the gift of connection. When I got into the program, I didn't know how to connect with people. I didn't know how to connect with women. I didn't know how to connect with a higher power. And I had to start very small. I had very few friends when I got into the program and I mostly connected with my family members. So, when I got in, I started going to my meeting and I connected with a sponsor right away. And the sponsor who had an absolutely wonderful relationship with her higher power. And what I learned was that I needed to start building trust with a higher power and to do that in a similar way to how I would build trust with a person, just sort of brick by brick, you know, one step at a time. And so, working with her and going to meetings helped me to start trusting because everybody was sharing what I had been going through. Everybody had been sharing my story. And that made it so much easier to be able to trust and to be able to be vulnerable. And of course, that went even deeper in my relationship with my sponsor. Eventually, after a little bit of time, I mean, I would say essentially my meetings were my power at the beginning. People were kind of making suggestions about like, you know, it's important that you bring in a faith tradition into your recovery. And so, I started to do that. And I prayed, you know, just that God would lead me to a faith tradition. And it was just like that, you know, three people in a very short period of time had all mentioned the specific faith tradition. It was just like right away. So, okay, obviously, this is where I'm meant to go. And then that faith tradition, I think I spoke the last time that I was here, think about a year and a half ago, about that little small voice within me. And it was in my faith tradition that I was able to hear God, to really listen for God's voice, and to recognize that usually when a voice is screaming inside of my mind, it's lust or it's shame or it's fear or it's resentment. And that quiet voice is the voice that God speaks, because God does not try to control me. He doesn't try to force me. And he could. He has the power to do that, but he doesn't. And so that was kind of where that relationship started developing. And that God wants me to be free. And he respects the fact that I have my own will and that I can turn against him. And that is such a gift, because that's what gives my turning to God all of its meaning. There would be no meaning if I had no choice but to turn to God. So that building trust with God, one of the moments that I really remember in early recovery, it was very small. You know, again, these are small steps, small bricks that are being put in that kind of house of trust that I'm building. And I was asked to give a presentation. I had to do with nature, but I didn't feel, I was invited to speak somewhere. And I just didn't feel like I would be able to, I was terrified. I was absolutely, I reached out to my best friends. And I reached out to a woman who was a very good friend who is an expert on the subject. And I shared my presentation with them ahead of time. I said, it's coming right up. If you could give me any feedback, nothing, crickets, absolutely nothing. Did I hear back from them? And I called my sponsor on the way there. And I was like almost in tears. I was like, I can't do this. I'm too much of a novice. I don't know what I'm doing. And she just said, God does not want you to fail. And that's when I realized that building trust with God meant, when I'm in a situation where I'm afraid, or I think something bad is going to happen, if I surrender that, it's not like then I'm like, I know for sure I can have a crisp clear idea in my mind of what this wonderful outcome is going to be. It's just that I don't know the outcome. That's how I build the trust is I allow there to be space where I just don't know. I don't need to know. I can put it in my higher powers, hands in one way or another. Somehow it's going to work out. And I don't have to know what that's going to look like. And I realized how scary that was, how much easier it was for me to think this presentation is going to be a disaster, easier, more comfortable, but far more negative. It's very odd. And the uncomfortable thing was just being like, I have no idea, right? It was very, but my sponsor, just saying those simple words, gave me the courage to be open, just to be open to the idea that it was going to go well. And it was wonderful. I mean, I was kind of nervous when I started, but I gathered to see, I was very passionate about the subject. So I just started talking and giving my presentation and allowing myself to get in touch with that passion I have about that subject. Some people had come in, to give out samples to people. We had a Q&A. I did like a small art project at the end. And they invited me back at the end. And it was just wonderful. So that was kind of that first distinct brick that I remember. Later on, bigger, bigger things came up. And I know that I shared in my previous talk a lot about traveling. I am a planner. I'm somebody who likes to know what's going to happen, which is kind of related to what I was just talking about there. And there have been many times where God has called on me to not know. During the pandemic, and because of lust, the situation where I was living became very difficult. It was really just somebody had smiled at me and then I smiled back. But where I was living was not the safest area. And in that situation became unmanageable. It was absolutely terrifying. And I really wanted to stay where I was because I love the city that I was living in. I lived there for most of my adult life. And I tried to stay as long as I could. And many people were trying to kind of let me know. I think you need to move. And I was projecting my own will unto God. I was like, no, I don't want to move. And it was sort of like, so surely God doesn't want me to move. But God did want me to move. And it became very apparent. And I think I held off on that for a while. And when it was time to move, again, it was, I don't know what's going to happen. I didn't have a plan. I didn't know where I was going to move. And I just surrendered. And I ended up traveling. I went to the four corner states. I went to Zion National Park in Utah. I went to Moab. I went to Glenwood Springs, Colorado. And then when I got to Colorado, there was an essay convention that weekend. Go figure. I had a wonderful time. The whole trip, that kind of nightmare that was starting to become my life within a day turned into a beautiful dream that lasted for three weeks. Because that's how long I was away for. And I went to Santa Fe, New Mexico. I went to visit my DSR partner in Arizona. And I can't, I mean, I won't go into all the detail of how wonderful it was, but I can show you that it really was. A lot of these places I had never been before and just had an open heart and, and sank into that experience. Again, no plan, but everything just flowed beautifully. And I came back to go to work. And by then I had found a place to stay, but it wasn't like a permanent place or anything like that. But I stayed there for eight months. And when it came time to move again, again, I had no plan. I was teaching online at that time because of the pandemic. It was continuing. And because I had a summer school class, I thought, well, I'll, you know, I'll kind of move to one place for the summer. And I'll, you know, just teach there and then I'll come back. But and I'll find a place to stay because, again, at that time, I want, I still my mind, you know, I wanted to have a plan. So I wanted to find a place. I looked at about two dozen places in a very short period of time all over Southern California. And none of them worked. I mean, prices had changed a lot since the pandemic. Like it just, it, it was a very different picture from before the pandemic. It was kind of shocking to me. And I look, I don't want me to do none of these places are working. And I was, I was trying to fix, I was trying to make myself have a plan of trying to find something right then and there on in my time, rather than God's time. So that's when I got this idea of, you know, I'll, I'll go to another state, you know, for a while. But then I ran into this couple, and I was talking with this woman and both of them were, you know, they, they were travelers. And I told her my plan. I was like, this is what I think I'm going to do. And she just said, well, why stop there? She's like, you went to these four states. Why don't you just keep going? I was like, you mean across the whole country. And that's when that voice came into my mind, you know, it felt like it was God's voice. It was very, it was very quiet. And it just said, what have you been wanting to do since you were 17? I was like, go across the country. Yes, exactly. So I did. I, you know, I, my dad freaked out, you know, he was just like, there's going to be fires, you know, and, and I was like, those are in California, you know, and aren't you glad I'm going away for a bit, you know. And he said, there's going to be mudslides in Colorado. And I was like, I missed them by a day. And he said, there's flooding in New Hampshire. And I was like, I'm in a treehouse for the next three days. And I literally was. There were, you know, there were all kinds of things that happened. But it actually brought me closer to my father because when I was in, most of this was just camping, you know, just kind of camping everywhere. And it was in Ohio where I wasn't sure where I was going to go next. And I just was like, I'm open. I barely looked at some pictures of each state. And I immediately was like, I don't know why, but I was like, I want to go to Lake Champlain next. And so I went there. And then on the way back, I was calling my parents and they were just sort of like, what state are you in today? You know, and I was like, well, I just went to here Island for the day. And my dad said, here Island, I spent my all my summers there, you know, with my family. And I could swear I've never even heard the word Vermont come out of my dad's mouth before. I was like, you've got to be kidding. So of course, with him on the phone, I drove back there. And we didn't quite find the exact place, but we got very close to where his home had been. And then drove a little bit farther. And there was a log cabin, hide cabin. And I was like, why am I looking at this? It said it was a historical, a historically preserved cabin. And he said, well, your great, great, great, great, great grandfather built that. I was like, what's it? It's the oldest log cabin in Vermont and one of the oldest log cabins in the country. I didn't know this, you know, so I I learned so much about my family. I connected so much with my dad through that because he had never really talked very much about his life. But it happened on this trip. It happened again. I went to to Greenbelt, you know, near Washington, D.C. And I was staying, I, you know, stayed at the place there at B and B. And and I again, talked to my parents and my dad said, you're about 10 minutes away from the house that I grew up in my whole childhood. And I was like, didn't know that either, you know, and I drove there. And that's when I went to the exact house. And I started talking to my dad, I'm taking, I start taking pictures of the house. I get out of my car, I'm taking pictures. And and my dad like, don't do that, you know, he's like, don't start taking pictures of this person's house. And I was like, oh, the house that you grew up in and we're bickering with each other. And this man comes out and he's like, can I help you? And I was like, I'm so sorry. I was like, my grandfather built this porch and my dad grew up here goes, Oh, come on in. So I put the phone on speaker and he and his wife and my dad just traded stories about the house. And it was just so beautiful. And I was like, God's just leading me. He led me to all these places that connected kind of specifically with my father. And it was, it was a great connecting time. And my dad had been very afraid of, you know, this is gonna happen, that is gonna happen. But it was 30 states in 30 days. And there wasn't a single hitch the entire time, not one single thing. It flowed the whole time. And I'm sure there would have been all kinds of problems if it had been my idea. You know, my idea again had been, I need to find a place right now so that I can feel secure. And it didn't happen that way. And but I think because it was sort of dawning on me that this is where I was being led at that time, worked out. And when I was in Virginia, you know, about as far away from California as you can get, that was when I was like, oh, yeah, you know, that play, I need to find that place back home, you know, before I start work again, I'd almost forgotten. And very without attachments, right, which I think was part of the point of all of this, you know, God wanting me to do this trip without attachments, I reached out to a play, I saw this place. I was like, it's perfect. It's, you know, something I could afford. And I'm in it right now. It's it's a place that I just thought it's something and it spoke to me and it was something I could afford. So I reached out and and then the couple got back to me and they just said, you know, well, here's an application. And I felt that vacation, they said, really loved your application. And I was like, great. And they said, well, our phone is ringing off the hook, but we really like, you know, to consider you. I said, well, there's one tiny snag. I'm kind of on the other side of the country. And they said, Oh, no problem. You know, and I was like, really? And they were like, yeah, I mean, they said, there are a lot of people interested in this place, but, you know, we'll wait for you. And I was like, well, I think it's going to take me about a month and a half. And they said, no problem. You know, we'll wait for you. I was like, what? I couldn't hardly believe my ears. And so, you know, I went back, I visited family along the way. It was the great trip, wonderful trip. And then I got back and it was perfect. And I've been in this place for your years now. And I'm just, it amazes me the way that God's plan is far more complex than I could ever anticipate. If I can let it be, you know, if my mind, there's a, if I may, a William Blake quote that I think of all the time, all the time it comes to my mind, man sees through the narrow chinks of his cavern. And that's me. That's my mind. I'm seeing through these narrow, tiny holes in this tiny cave that I've built for myself. That's, that's what my mind sees. When I'm not in touch with God, I see a small amount of slice. And I think that that's everything. And of course, when I was acting out with lust, that certainly, you know, all of the worlds got reduced to that, to just lust. And nothing else made sense to me. Things like love, you know, care. I didn't, I didn't understand it because I was so focused on getting what I wanted. And I actually felt threatened, you know, when I would go to a park and I would see families being with each other, it was a threat to me because it was something I didn't understand. You know, I was like, they're all just, they're sick. Basically, like, they're not acting out, right? And how, how are they doing that? And that was how I used to see the world is very sad. Anyway, when I got back from the trip, I, I found this different calling that was in me. And that was to start dating. And, and that was, it was difficult for me because I'm a perfectionist. And I think that I had in my mind sort of this, idea that a per, like, maybe a perfect recovering sexaholic. I don't know. I don't know how to describe it. I guess I, I was judging myself for, for wanting to date. In the white book, it talks about natural versus unnatural instincts, for sex, for example, or to eat food. And I think, you know, absolutely that relationships fall into that as well, that there's an unnatural, there's romantic lust, right? That's an unnatural instinct. But there's also, I think, a natural instinct to, you know, to be in a relationship. And I, I was judging that in myself. But when I got back from that trip, I actually felt, I felt prepared. And what I realized was, it's not that I need to be in a relationship. And that is lust, right? I need to do it my way. I need this particular outcome. It was, I need to be open to it. I need to be open to it. And I hadn't really been open to it because I had been judging it. So I, I became open to it. And I, I learned a lot that I actually started dating January 1st of 2022, exactly on January 1st. And I did online dating mostly. And, and I did a lot of dating. It was, it was a lot of dating last year. And it, I, I learned a lot about myself. I think the most important thing that I learned was that my recovery had gotten to a place where, yes, even though I am a sexaholic, I do have less that goes into my mind. My recovery has given me something. And I do have boundaries. I am able to have boundaries. I kept all of my boundaries. I actually didn't cross any lines that I didn't want to cross when I was dating. And I'm really grateful for that. I think part of the reason that that happened was that I realized that my, my recovery had been sort of like a, a seed that had grown into a tree by then. By then it had been, you know, over five years. And, you know, by the grace of God, I have been sometimes by the skin of my teeth admittedly. But I have been sober since I got into this program. And that seed of recovery, every time that I made a call to somebody, every time that I picked up a call that was coming to me, every time that I went to a meeting, every time that I reached out to God, every time that I prayed, every time that I listened to a speaker tape, every time that I did service, I was building and that plant was growing into something. And the difference between a small plant and a tree is that a plant needs just, just the right amount of light, just the right amount of water, just the right amount of sun, it's delicate, it's very vulnerable. And I had to really tend in a very careful way to my recovery when I got in. I tend to my recovery now, but it's not so hesitant and like, you know, exactly. It's, it's, it's, it's grown into this tree where when I was dating, I think the reason why I kept my sobriety through all those dates and kept my, my boundaries was that recovery just kind of, I don't want to say it just takes care of itself without my input. I have to keep putting in work. I do service, but it's, it does feel a bit more self-regulating. It calls come in all day. I make calls all day and service work. It's like, service emails come in and it's just, it's just the thing that's, it's, it's almost like it's its own entity. That's what it feels like. There's so much that's built in I probably talk to about three to six, you know, women day. I have wonderful sponsors, one of whom I'm in a sort of different way getting to meet on this very call today. I'm very grateful for that. And yeah, it's just a total blessing. And it's given me more perspective and more distance to not have to be as caring about what has, as, as overly caring and co-dependent as I was. The one example is that this is kind of the, one of the more recent things that happened is that at my, in my work situation, I, I've been at my job for many years, but I, I got, it's not called tenure, but it's sort of the equivalent. It's called continuing status at my work. And I got that in, in 2021. And I was like, wow, you know, it's like, I'm, I, me and my coworkers are pretty much, we're going to be here, you know, potentially for the rest of our lives. And so when we had a retreat last year, we were going to go to the mountains. And I should have checked that in with my sponsor. I was just so excited. I like, I love nature so much. I was so excited. I, I, you know, I just, I just thought, well, it's my work and whatever, you know, and, but I went on this retreat and, and unfortunately, in some ways, it was difficult. I was giving a presentation and all of that went well. And I'd prepared and I really enjoyed being with a lot of my coworkers, but my goal was I want to build these relationships, but it was very ambitious. It was like, again, my mind coming and I want to make this happen, you know. I want to have these good relationships about a minute left. Oh, sorry. Go ahead, didn't you? You have a minute. Oh my gosh. Okay. Thank you. I don't know if you saw my five minute, but go ahead. Go ahead. Oh, I didn't say it was you. Thank you so much. Okay. I'll wrap it up here. The point is that it didn't go perfectly, but a lot of times when something happens, I want to flee. I've always fled. I have been a runner. I've always fled every situation. And, but there's these instincts. We have an instinct to be social. We have an instinct to connect with somebody more deeply one on one. We have an instinct to preserve ourselves. And my first, and there's this idea, there's one theory that we kind of have a stack, which I believe, and I'm social first. I'm an introvert. I don't get energy from being in groups, but I, I prioritize it. I love, I love it. I, and in the 12 and 12, it says, "Our desires for emotional security, that's the one on one, and wealth, that's self-preservation, for personal precision power, the social, for romance, that's the one on one. All these have to be tempered and redirected. We've learned that the satisfaction instincts can't be the sole end and aim of our lives. If we place instincts first, we've got the cart before the horse. We shall be pulled backward into disillusionment. But when we're willing to play spiritual growth first, then and only then do we have a real chance. It's my favorite part of the whole 12 and 12 in step 12. So I'll just kind of wrap it up. I surrendered my social instinct there, and I, I'm completely okay with it. I can't run. I have 10 years. I can't run anywhere. And it's just turned out great. So anyway, I am so grateful for this program and grateful and that's it. Thank you so much. Thank you very much, Stephanie. Thank you, Stephanie. That was wonderful. Thank you so much. It was so cheerful. Thank you, Stephanie. Thank you, Nancy. Thanks, Bob. Grandfather will be here, the recovering from lost. Yeah, so much identification. Steph, your name is Stephanie, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I just got so much identification. It's honestly like you told my story, and I really liked the fact that you told your recovery story. I've recently gone through the emotional ringer, and I don't have a question. I just want to say I'm going to have to jump up the call, but I wanted to get the opportunity to just say thank you. I got so much identification, and I can't articulate how much identification I got with your, with your story, and I wish you well in your journey. And yeah, I'll leave it to that. Thank you. Thank you, Ron. Thank you. Thank you, Rob. And Isaac, you're up. And welcome, by the way, to your first, very first essay meeting, I guess, correct? Okay, well, you're kind of like the most important person in this room right now, so go ahead. Don't feel any pressure, right? First, firstly, thank you, everyone, because I understand that this is a volunteer thing. It's not really, you know, I get paid to this. So just thank you so much for doing what you guys do. And then just just a, like a simple question related to your story, what is life like on the other side of a healthy, a healthy, like, romance is like a partner, like, like, how did you navigate that without, you know, going back to the desires that you tried to overcome? Thank you, Isaac. And yeah, welcome. I'm so glad that you are able to make it today. Thank you. So I, I, I dated last year and I dated a bit this year as well. And I've been open, but in being open, it's allowed me to have the experience to learn about, I guess, sort of what my, my values are. I think one of the biggest things I learned is that when I had gotten into relationships before recovery, I put values last, and I put just sort of mutual attraction and also mutual interests first. Do we have things that we like to do in common? That was like primary values. I always, we always figured that out later. And it didn't go so well. So now values come first. And so while I'm staying open, I didn't end up getting into relationship. I feel a calm and a peace now that I didn't have before dating. I think again, because I think what mattered for me was that I owed it to myself to be open and to make that attempt, but, but not to be attached to the outcome because the attachment to the outcome for me was to engage in romantic class. So I've just kind of been open. I still am in that kind of open space, but that, that feeling of like, I need to, I think what I was doing was I was being overly hard on myself because I was kind of like, even though I'd started learning boundaries, it started with meetings. It started with the service work that I did. It started with the fellows that I connect with in the program. It's like, I've done the work, you know, and it's okay to put that into action to see like that, that works and it does. So I was able to experience the boundaries that I built and to not be like, I'm just 100% less than anything that I do. You know, it's like, no, I to own some of that recovery. And so that's good. But I don't, I don't need that particular outcome. And so I'm just, you know, I'm just in the space of openness. But I do know many people who have, you know, in program have gone on to have very, you know, successful marriages and things like that. So, thank you. Thanks, Isaac, for the question. Next up is Mike B. Yeah, you'll have to unmute Mike. I think he's working on it. Got it. Thanks. Thanks so much for sharing. And there's like, as mentioned earlier, so much I can relate to. And one thing you mentioned that really kind of I guess resonated with me is the when when powerless to lust, lust became my total focus. And there's no question that that was the case. And now in recovery here with about seven months or so of sobriety, lust has a little bit less power than it did seven months ago. And it allowed me to enjoy more things in life that I wasn't able to when my all my focus was on lust. And so I really, again, related to that. And the other thing I would say is that I love your analogy about the feed to a plant to a tree. I mean, that is like, it makes so much sense in that you go to a meeting, you do service, you read essay material, you're reaching out to fellows. I mean, all those things are what help you grow that trait. And I really did relate to that. So I appreciate that analogy. Now I look to share that my home group when I get a chance. Thanks so much. Thank you, Mike. Yeah. And I believe my sponsor had mentioned that earlier. And it was just something that like it stuck with me because I could I felt that fragility sort of earlier on when I felt like I was just learning to walk again, you know, as they say in recovery. And and it's it morphs into something else is like I'm always going to be a sexolic. I'm always going to have the sort of automatic less thoughts. And you know, I'm always going to have struggles, but but the obsession doesn't have to be there. And and I can become stronger in that process of surrender. So thank you. Yeah, thanks, Mike B. Now we have Bob up next. Hi, Stephanie. Thanks for your share. I really appreciate it. Surrendering. Surrendering is don't know the outcome. Surrendering is an interesting team in my life. And in this process, K tells more about what is surrendering. We besides don't know the outcome. How do we do this? We it's really important and open for you. Thank you. Of course. Yeah, thank you, Bob. For me, it's, you know, kind of going back to the idea that God doesn't want to. I don't believe that a loving higher power wants to control anybody. I believe that very firmly. And having that will, that's why it's it's like I'm powerless and also I have a choice. And somehow those are simultaneously true. I'm powerless over lust. If I choose to start going down that road, it's no competition, right? Absolutely no competition. But I have, if lust comes into my mind, I often will kind of, you know, share if somebody's struggling with lust, just to make it more tangible, just a fist. You know, I'm holding on to lust. I want it. And am I able to just open my palm, allow that to drop on the floor? What I find is typically the issue is whether or not I'm willing to do this, right? And it's most difficult when I, when I've been in the obsession, right? It's very hard to do this to consciously, it is a choice. And I choose to do this. And the more the sooner that I do it, this the the sooner if I if I surrender that first lust thought, it's easier to do this. I have a choice farther down the road, if I'm going to do that to a point, to a point, I still have a choice. It's just harder. And at a certain point, totally, I'm powerless. I can't. So for me, I try to surrender right away, just on, I mean, on principle and also because it's easier to surrender. If I, if I just deal with that first lust thought, there have been times right, genuinely, honestly, didn't realize that a less side come in. And that's why having a DSR partner has been so helpful for me with surrender. There's times where I've had those days where I'm like, Nope, no less today. I think that and then she shares and I go, Oh, and then everything that she shares, I'm like, Oh, wait, I saw this and she'll share about a dream. Oh, wait, there is something in my dream, right? But I wasn't fully conscious. So it kind of went to the back burner of my mind. So DSR partners helped me to know a lot and just sharing doing outreach calls and going to meetings. That helps me to raise my conscious to a different level of all of those smaller triggers. Because the big ones are obvious, right? But the smaller ones, that's where I want to be surrendering. And it's not always perfect, you know, but I just do what I can. But yeah, if I'm sometimes, if I make it more tangible, and I'm actually like, am I willing to do this? Or if, if I'm not, that, that shows me, you know, like, okay, wait, this is where I'm at right now, right? Or this is where somebody is at right now. It's helpful to make it tangible. And yeah, the outcome is more moving forward after the surrender. It's relating. This is what's on the other side. It's the discomfort of not knowing my mind really wants to know the outcome. And the trusting in God, you know, my mind wants to trust only itself and it wants to run the show. And the more that I practice surrender, the bigger things that I can trust God with. That's why I think it went from a presentation. In my mind, it's sort of those are the three that stuck out for some reason. But the presentation and then four states and the 30 states that progressive, that progressive trust. But I really think about it the best. Me, I think about it as, am I willing? I recognize my own power. I have a will and I can choose. It's do I want to or not. And that's empowering for me. And it's okay. Sometimes I'm like, I don't want to. I want to want to. And I don't surrender immediately. I try to as often as I can. I'm not perfect. I'm just a human being. But when I when I bring it back to I have the will, God gave that to me. And I can use it for good. And I can use it to surrender or not. And that really helps me to surrender. So thanks for letting me share. All right. Thanks, Bob. Claudia, you had your golden hand up, but I don't see it now. Do you still have a question? No, I have no question. I'm so tired. But maybe I can try to talk. Thank you so much, Stephanie. I really love to listen to you. You are so lively. I don't know if this word is right. But I really could identify how you are connected to your higher power on your journey and how you were guided. It it was so good to hear to it. And it was such a big deal. I don't know. It's it's it's it was like and also what you shared about your dating. I thought, okay, God, you're talking to me through Stephanie. Thank you so much. It's really it's really a gift to you. And maybe a question maybe you can talk more about your dating. I really want to hear it because I'm not hearing it often in in meetings. And I have a sponsor she wants to date. And she's really struggling. And I also have to wish. But I don't I'm I'm too afraid. And I really love that you said you charge yourself for your instinct. This was so great to hear because I'm I'm still doing this. I'm long time sober. And it was so good to hear this out of your mouth. Thank you so much. Thank you, Claudia. I think it's someone for your share. Yeah, the the natural instincts, right? I mean, I have all kinds of instincts that are in overdrive, which are essentially my character defects. But it's not that every, you know, I think that the instinct to be in a relationship is perfectly healthy and normal. I think it's that attachment to the outcome that that can get me, you know, in my loss. I had a conversation with my sponsor recently that was very helpful that helped me to understand I think a current block that I'm facing in in the dating process. I've I had more of a pace last year. And now it's I'm just sort of more it's just, you know, very slow and just kind of organic and doing its own thing. But but what I realized was that I I have trouble being completely open. I think because I had been in very unhealthy really I'd been in four long term relationships before I got into recovery that were very unhealthy. And I think I I still have some of that with me, which is why that that building trust with God, it's a positive kind of progression. It's building more of those bricks right after the traveling when it became building trust with God around around dating, which it took me five years to to have that trust to even be open. You know, I that's that's what I needed. But still, even being open to dating and trusting God's on some level with that, I still have deeper levels of trust to go with him. It isn't I trust God or I don't trust God. Step three is not perfect. You know, I a lot of times it sounds daunting giving all of your will to God surrendering all of your will to God to a higher power to a loving higher power. It's it that's the ideal, but I think that the reality probably for many of us, I would speculate definitely for me is that it's it's I'm surrendering bit by bit to the best of my ability. And so what I was talking about with my sponsor was that there's still, you know, the extent to which I'm a perfectionist is the extent to which I project perfectionism on to others. If I can surrender more of that perfectionism within myself, then I can do that with others. And so what I realized was that as I was talking with her, I I still struggle with the perfectionism. I you know, it's like I personally in my life, I I also, you know, am an alcoholic. So I don't drink, I don't do drugs. I, you know, in an S per essay, right, it's not having sex before marriage. And so I think I have a fear of a partner not doing those things absolutely perfectly all the time. And I want I know that in terms of values, I would want to be with somebody who has those same values, right? But I think I add on it has to be absolutely certain. And that's really, I don't think there's a way to find somebody in that situation, because that's not how life works. I want somebody who's who knows their values, they know where they're heading. But I want it to be certain that's not that doesn't, that doesn't work, right? That's not how real life works. And so if I am really connected with God, then if I'm putting God before a person, if if my God is going to be my higher power and a person's not going to be my higher power, then I could feel it immediately. Oh, I can, I can be open to somebody who has the same values as me. But I'm not, you know, needing that, even if it's like kind of till now been sort of unconscious in me, I don't need that extra layer where it's controlled and perfect. I think that's happening to be complete. And so I need, this is a genuine need. I need to be with somebody who is heading in that direction consciously, they, they, they want those things. But that layer of it's always going to be perfect, and there won't be any, you know, difficult, you know, it sounds completely ridiculous. Because I'm saying it consciously, but it's been in the back burner in my mind, unconscious, that whole time. The thing I want to say about seeing is a dating plan. So I have a dating plan with my spot, you know, my answer is giving me a dating plan that, you know, is very effective and it involves things like, personally, I don't enjoy texting anyway, but it's sort of only texting only to set up the next dates. Other than that, it's just you're in person. Maybe there's like no more than like one day to week, you know, one, one call a week, but not to sort of texting back and forth in this constant, like you're getting to know somebody. So having kind of a shorter first date grabbing coffee. And, you know, even if you're not necessarily saying that this is about friends thinking of it as, you know, I'm getting to know this person as a, as a friend, as an equal, just a friend first, and kind of having those lower expectations, you know, just a friendship, again, even if you're not necessarily saying it. But those are the kinds of things that, that I go by that have helped. So thank you. Thank you so much. Thanks, Nadia. Sorry. It's possible to get your number maybe for my sponsor too. Yeah, of course, I'll put it in the chat. Absolutely. Thank you. Yeah, we've got you know what, we've had some other requests and I directed them to Nancy who can. Yeah, of course. Yeah, what I can do is they go between so that way, I mean, I wouldn't have your number from the chat. Yeah, that sounds good. And Nancy, your golden hand is up. Yes, I wish I knew how to make it so it was. Oh, thank you so much, Stephanie. And I really appreciate, you know, you talked about how much service means to you. And I literally had thrown my phone in a chair and gave up last night. And then I don't even remember if it was a call or a message. I don't even remember. And it was said, it was like, yes, I'd like to share. How did you? I'm also, I'm also an introvert in that I reenergize by downtime. I love time with people, but the way I regain energy is my downtime. And I'm also one that likes to run away. And I know I have a choice. It is so hard. It is so hard to choose to not run. Do you have any tips on life? I mean, lots of people call me, lots of people call me, text me. But for me to put the phone across someone else. Thank you. Yeah, specific tips. Thank you. Yeah, thanks, Nancy. Yeah, gosh, when you when you're talking about that, I, I, I'm going to be very honest. It's hard. I don't know why I feel, I feel some embarrassment sharing this. But I mean, then I talked to a lot of other women who say the same thing. So it's like, I just need to own it. But when I got into recovery, I really struggled to connect with women. I struggled to trust women. I all when I was growing up, I was actually, I was kind of closer to my mother, but I was more comfortable with my dad. It was sort of more of my dad would get home from work. And he would just want to play, you know, he would just like, let's go to the movies or whatever. So it was just kind of a little bit easier with my mom. I was closer to her, but it was more fraught with stuff, you know, and there wasn't that with my dad, just being totally honest. So when I got into the program, I think, blowing in the sobriety was like becoming a kid again. You know, I kind of went into that small child self again. And so I kind of went into those dynamics like I had with my parents again. So I might, it took me about a year and a half, I would say, to have a solid network with women. At first, it was my sponsor. And then it was my sponsor and a DSR partner. And my DSR partner, I was in so much less. I distinctly remember one day, it was probably my first week or two of sobriety. And I just like, I wanted to call an acting out partner. I was like, I was just like barely getting my finger over to her speed dial. And then, and then as soon as I called her, I prayed, God, please do not let her pick up the phone. Please don't let her pick up the phone. Like, I don't want to get better. You know, I don't want to get better. I was praying that I wouldn't have to talk to her because I didn't want to get better. But despite all of my prayers, she picked up and she talked me out of it very, very effectively. And I felt great by the end. I felt connected to her. And it was that was again, one of those bricks of trust, right? And in this case, not it's it's a brick of trust with another human being and specifically with women. And now today, it's like women are, they are like, they are my life rafts. I mean, I go deep. I call them. I go really deep with what I'm struggling with in terms of lust. And it, you know, it's safe. And then I share, I'll share deeply in a meeting. But when it comes to that one on one, I just I went slowly. I gave myself the space that I needed. Like, I didn't rush it. Sometimes it would be somebody would want to, you know, talk. I wasn't quite ready yet at the beginning. I just was like, I'm I allowed myself to not be ready. And I went at my own pace. And for me, it had to be slow. It was my sponsor and then my sponsor and a DSR partner. And then tentatively, there was another woman, I'm like, Oh, I like what she said. And I, you know, started reaching out to her. But it was not like zero to 100 at all with that kind of connection. It was one person at a time that slowly grew. So that's what I would say. Thank you. Can I ask you the plan today for making outreach call? Hey, Nancy, I'm sorry. That's a second question. And we have biata. You're up. Question. We only have a couple minutes left. Probably ask for one more question. If step and stay a little while in the parking lot, we can. Okay. Thank you very much. Happy, Nancy. I can. Yes, I can stand. I'll be honest. Did you have a question? Yes, I just would like to share to them. I'm very grateful for all the introverts here. We're in effect party mess, but it comes to meetings or lessons or something to enjoy about need to recharge. I feel like a lot of people don't get this. And I'm so grateful for the realization how important the openness is because I had a member who I gave a lot of feedback to. Like we gave feedback to each other and it helps. And he had a struggle whether to start or not start, I think, because he's lonely, but he doesn't have time. And I told him, you just need to wait for God's way. You know, he might open the door. You don't need to make binding decisions. But at the same time, I'm binding decision to myself. Like, I'm not ever going to do this. And I now see that I have a lot of trust and emotional issues, but God makes always possible. I think it would be unwise to make, you know, fatal decisions based on a sickness. I'm Beyatta. Thank you, Beyatta. It's good to see you. I'm really glad you're on the topic. And yes, I. I yeah, I completely agree. It was it was it was definitely a source of unrest within me, you know, those those first five years, you know, it was I felt just so anxious if I even thought about it. It was like I wanted to and I didn't want to. I wanted to and I just didn't even want to think about it at the same time. And it was very uncomfortable. And I don't know what it was about that last trip, the going across the country. I don't know if it was like, it just sort of gave me this break or I don't know a break from something. I don't know what it was, but I came back and I just felt like, okay, I see God that you're you know, because God God knows I love nature. He knows that I like traveling. He knows I feel more comfortable with the kind of, you know, with camping and things like that. So it's like almost like God is saying, okay, well, if we're going to build trust with each other, I'm going to start with the things that I know are easy for you, right? And that way we'll build up to something that's harder for you, i.e. the interpersonal stuff. And that's what that's what a loving higher power looks like to me. It's like, thank you, you know, you didn't start with the hard stuff and then say, okay, take a break. It was it was gentle, right? And I think it is possible. And I'm really realizing that my my insecurities that I have about getting into a relationship are almost all the moments where I still place people before before a higher power. So thank you. I would like to thank you for listening to this episode of The Daily Reprieve, the best source for experience, strength, and hope for SA members. Please subscribe to this podcast to be alerted of new episodes. Please show your support by donating to The Daily Reprieve by going to donate dot the daily reprieve dot com and choosing either monthly donations or a one-time donation by clicking donate now. Thank you for listening and stay tuned for the next episode of The Daily Reprieve. [Music]