Erik B Speaking to the Barcelona "Easy Does It, But Do It" meeting on August 23, 2023
The Daily Reprieve
Barcelona Meeting - Erik B
[Music] Hello and welcome to the Daily Reprieve, where we provide essays, speaker meetings, workshops, and conferences in podcast format. We are an ad-free podcast. If you enjoy listening, please help us be self-supporting by going to Donate.thewreprieve.com and drop a dollar or two into the virtual basket. Please consider donating monthly by clicking the Donate monthly button. However, one-time donations are always welcome. Just click the Donate Now button. Now, without further ado, this episode of The Daily Reprieve. [Music] Okay, today August 23rd, 2023. We're very happy to have with us Eric B. from Washington State in the U.S. sober now for 25 years and he will be sharing on the topic of his experience, strength, and hope. So you're now on, Eric, be very welcome and I'll give you that five-minute warning we talked about. Thank you so much. Wow, it's such an honor and humbling to be here. I appreciate Nancy and anybody else involved in inviting me. I spoke about a year ago and I shared more of my story. So today I want to share more on the topic that just popped into my head, which was when Nancy asked, "It's like things I had to unlearn, things I had to unlearn." And so I'm Eric. I'm a grateful sexaholic. So I got into the program in 1988. My sex addiction was not good. It was bad. I mean, I'm not a bad person, but the things I did, I have great regret for. And I didn't know what I didn't know was the problem is I heard someone in a meeting say it's not what I don't know that's hurting me the most. It's what I know that's hurting me the most. And that jumped out at me like I knew what I knew and I had a hard time letting go of anything that I knew. And so myself is my biggest problem. And so I tried really, really, really, really hard for 10 years while in this program, somewhat in and out. But I didn't really know that I was going up the wrong tree. I was going down the wrong path. I was using therapies outside this program. I was reading every book I could on this. I was doing everything that my sponsors said. I mean, most everything. I went to meetings and I went to meetings. And in Seattle, there wasn't a lot of meetings. There was like three essay meetings. So I had to supplement with meetings outside the program. But I didn't realize that this self was my real problem, that if there's a driving force behind lust, it's selfishness for me. And so I would beat myself up. I would try harder. It was a cycle I would call I tried that let's call everybody in the program kind of. And then that didn't work. So I learned a few things. One thing that I had to unlearn is that to totally just trust myself, to not trust in my own knowledge, my own power, my own experience, I didn't realize until I got rid of self that that's when things started to change. And it had to be God's grace. I also learned that meetings weren't going to save me. There's a lot of emphasis on go to meetings, meeting makers, make it. But it says in the AA book, no human power can relieve us of this. So then how can a group save me? How can a sponsor save me? And I had this fantasy. I had fantasies that some nice loving sponsor would come and save me and help me and be my friend, because the addiction was my friend. It was just a really bad friend. Now I see it as an enemy. When I listen to speakers, I notice two things and it really goes two directions. Some people talk about the addiction like it's a long lost friend and end up glorifying the disease, in my opinion, or in others talk about it like a hateful enemy. Like I just don't want to have anything to do with it. And it could be time and recovery, but it could also have to do with how they approach recovery. The value of going to zillions of meetings is out of zillions, there's a few meetings that stick out. And one person said this, he said, look, my addiction is here. And a lot of people try to back away from the addiction. And it's all about trigger management. I'll check in less today. Like it's like age, like the group or sponsor needs that as if that person could help. He says, no, totally turn your back on and just go towards God. Just totally go towards recovery. And I realized all my self obsession was trying to fix less than my own strength. And it took 10 years to do that 10 years. Someone I spoke with this morning on this call is in the Zoom today. I never heard this. It was kind of a compliment. He says, your story really helps. He says, 10 years of struggle. And then you get sober, you know, for 25 years, one day at a time of what counts as being sober today. He says, what's encouraging is that those 10 years helped you be more patient with people that struggle, that that slip that are devastated, that are depressed and all this stuff. And yeah, it was during those 10 years, I thought I was doing the program. I really thought I was doing the program. My sponsor said, I am, I am, why not holding it? Notice the words, I, I, I and more I. So I didn't even realize that I was self-obsessed. And so then pride goes both ways. If I'm a bad, bad, bad person, that's pride. It's still an obsession with self. If I am too good for the program, that's still an obsession with self. And so it's like in the web screen of my life, you know, when online, you'll see these choices. You know, Eric's will, God's will, cancel. Okay. And it's always step all to Derek's will. Eric's thinking, Eric's knowledge. And I have to manually move the cursor from Eric's will to God's will from Eric's power, trying to be self-propelled to God's power and Eric's direction to God's direction. So there's, and there's no little extra convenient box and says, check this choice for all future decisions. Now, every day I have to, to move it over and say, okay, God, what do you want me to do? And so it makes me very cautious in life to make sure I'm not running off into a direction that seems so good. But in the end, it won't turn out well. I really got really depressed, sad, scared, ashamed. Like, why can't I get sober? And it was like, I began to learn or unlearn that, okay, I guess I can't help me. Therapy won't save me. And it appeared that the 12 steps weren't going to save me either, because you can only do something too long thinking you're doing it. And it's like, what am I doing here in essay? And I'm still not sober more than maybe a week or a month. I might have had 90 days at one time. And I've called people incessantly. I've shared my story. You know, I got graphic, you know, and it just did not work. And I remember having a conversation with this gentleman who ideally loved his name is Steve. And he, my sponsors said, well, I kind of know what to do with you, but talk to Steve. He's like a grand sponsor. And it's like Steve just met with me for an hour for lunch. He gave me a big hug and says, you're going to get sober. It's all going to work out. And it's like, I felt like crying. Like, how do you know I'm going to get sober? How do you know? Like, it showed you I was still, you know, kind of judging you, but he was right and I was wrong. And that's not the first time. And then I talked with a person who is a spiritual pastor. And he says, I don't know what to do. And I said, you know, I don't know what to do either. I'm kind of at the end of myself. I didn't say that. But, but I said these words and I just ponded them recently. It's like, but you know, I think God's going to save me somehow. And I have no idea how. And that was the turning point. The turning point for me is when I stopped trying to control the universe, when I tried to stop controlling lust and trying to do all these trigger management stuff. And so then I realized, oh, wow, many of us held on to our own ideas and the result was now until we let go absolutely. Oh, Roy talks about many of us felt as though we were going to step up the edge into oblivion. But instead of surrender killing us, it killed the obsession. Oh, so then I learned that knowledge, getting more information is not helpful to me. That insights and understanding comes from actually practicing the steps. Wow, what a concept. So then when I use the word work the steps, it was a trigger for me. And I don't use the word trigger too much. But what it would do is I can't use the words because it triggers self to try to as if I had anything to do with my sobriety. All I had that it was co-operate with God. So I have a very God centered program. And I see also two things in S.A. where there are people really put a lot of dependence on the group. And then those that really put their dependence on God for everything because only God knows everything about me. He loves me more than I myself know how to love. He knows whatever need I ever need. Why would I go to him first? Well, because mine defaulted to me and people. And the people that really put their faith in the group as their higher power, then it'll make sense. They're going to put a lot of dependency on their sponsor and on the group. And that's fine for them. But for me, I have to go to God first. And step 10 in the AA big book, it says that we want to grow in experience of understanding. It's a lifetime matter. And that when we have something that selfish, that inflated sense of self, or dishonest, or fearful, or resentful, we ask God immediately to remove it. Notice it doesn't say, well, why call my sponsor? I check it with him like luggage. No, no, I have to say God saved me from being angry. God saved me from being resentful. God helped me not to be lustful today. But I lapse there because I don't really struggle with lust anymore. And that's not in any way to say that there's pride involved. It's just it's not what I struggle with. Because I what I struggle with is selfishness. There's not so much dishonesty, but resentments, fears. And those are all just manifestations of self. So it's a very simple program. Another thing I have to really unlearn in this all part of self is I complicate things. This disease makes it so complex, so top heavy, that it makes it daunting. And I like to freak people out by telling people, you know, Bob and Bill, Dr. Bob, Bill didn't work the 12 steps. They weren't invented yet. They had four simple things they did. And after an argument, Bill has with his wife, he goes into his prayer closet and comes out 45 minutes later with the 12 steps. So I'm not anti 12 step, would I say that? But it's just like, when I sponsor people, I take them to steps one, two, and three in the evening. And then usually the next day, four, five, six, seven, because they're all meant to be done in one process. And then eight and nine, takes about two weeks, hopefully. And then 10 and 11, the rest of our life does one day at a time. So I'm a big fan of pages 86 to 88 or 84 to 88, just do that every day. So I had to move from totally distrusting myself to totally trusting in God for everything. And I'm still doing this. And the more I trust in him, the more amazing things happen. I've had many harrowing experiences from illnesses, the family members with challenges, and you name it. I mean, it's just shocking. But what happens is now I trust in God. And I do that by morning and evening prayers. I ask myself in the aging tradition, you know, I made a little card of these questions, you know, where am I selfish, dishonest, fearful, resentful. These are just like a starter kit. You know, for looking at myself, why is it so important to do kind of a self-examination? It's because to get rid of self, there is a viable verse which the early AA is used a lot, which is God gives grace to the humble, but he's opposed to the proud. So if we turn this in from the other things, is that time? Yeah. Oh, okay. I heard that. Hey, somebody, make sure you mute please if you're not speaking. Okay. Yeah. So God gives grace to the humble, but he's opposed to the proud. So pride is self. I heard it said that true humility is not thinking less of yourself, but just thinking about yourself less and thinking I did. I was a thinkaholic, I thought and thought and thought and thought and thought and thought. So I had to move from thinking to prayer and to surrender and action. And so daily, if I can get rid of self only by his aid, I started to get peace and serenity because fear and anger and resentments are really manifestations of self. When I have an inflated sense of self, resentment says I didn't get what I wanted in the past. And anger is I'm not getting what I want now. And fear, well, what if this happens and what if I get cancer? I'm afraid I'm not going to get what I want. And I want to be sober. I want to be sober, sober, sober. And it's like, wow, so now I don't even really say God take this away. I say, God, what do you want to have happened here? I invite you in right now in this very minute. And that's my kind of interpretation of it says, you know, it says during the day we pause when agitated or doubtful, agitated is code word for angry, resentful, you know, doubtful is codes for fear. And so if I can just shrink down, be simple, humble. So simple as the opposite complicated. If something starts to complicated my life, there's something not working well. It says in page 84, we've ceased fighting anything or anybody. That's even alcohol or lust. So that's the program for me is not fighting anything anymore, hiding myself, fighting less. Do you think lust is going to, I can conquer lust by outwitting it and all that? No, no, I have to hold on to a power grid of myself, a person of God, as I understand him. And then I'm fine. It's just that simple. When I was a kid, I was horribly not good at sports. It was like an extreme shame thing for me. But in gym class, we had this wrestling, it was called tag team wrestling. And what you did is there was a big round circle and you would be with your opponent. And if you could just not get pinned and reach out your hand far enough beyond the line, a fellow person on your team could take your hand and jump in and tackle the guy and win the battle for you. And what the rules were, people like me, you couldn't, I mean, I was always picked last on sports. You, you couldn't just lay there and be pinned. No, you had to do something. So I try to do something. But then I quickly would run out and not run out, but you could be pin but educated and someone bigger and stronger, more powerful than me that could do that. It was many years into the program that I realized this is what my recovery is, is for me to realize my powerlessness, my weakness, that I have nothing I can trust myself. And to really stretch out my arm to God and say, come help me, help me. And then it's an always went, it always works. That's why they exuberantly said at the end of meetings, it works. It really does. The more I surrender myself to God, the more amazing things happen. And so then what happens is you're encouraged more and more to just surrender more and more. And then years later, as I was telling this story, God revealed to me like, do you, there is this sense that I was poor in sports. He allowed that so I could really understand this principle. That if I was a great athlete, I'd have no concept of this. And that things don't really happen by mistake. That seemingly things that look so painful, and terrible are really good things. So I learned that self can't save me, people can't save me, but God can save me. And that humility was important. So all the steps in my experience helped me humble myself, helps. That's what they do. I'm admitting powerlessness. It's helping me get out of the way. It's humbling to admit that only God can save me. It's humbling to step aside and not be the director of any show anymore. And that's as described in the AA book as the actor wants to run the whole show. And that step four, it's humbling to get rid of these defects of character, but it's extremely helpful to know what these defects of character are. And to have a loving sponsor to help me with that and point that out and to ask God to remove them and the original wording was on our knees. And then eight, nine, boy, is that humbling, but I don't really care anymore. There's a colorful phrase I love. It says you can't save your face and your ass at the same time. If I'm saving face, thank you for time. If I'm saving face, it's not going to work out well. So I lean into the pain. The good news was, I mean, every day like I got teary-eyed hearing some friends with sobriety, I just, the idea of getting 30 days or two weeks, even a week is really important because what matters is we're sober today. And yes, people can have long-term sobriety. And it does get easier with time. It really does. The steps are there. What makes it easier is what happens is you know what to do. I know what to do now. But part of what I know to do is to not trust myself and always be open to what God wants. But the thing is there are benefits to it, but it's really important to be grateful and thankful where you are and to realize that if you're a chronic, I don't like the word "phronic," I'm going to raise that. If you're struggling but seems to be a long time, there is good reason for that. You could be learning things that are too profound for us to understand now. But it's really important to let go and to trust that God will grant you in a sobriety one day at a time. And I'd like to kind of finish with a prayer I just absolutely love. It's called the Set-Aside Prayer. And I think it's program approved, but it came out of AA, a couple of AA conventions in California. But it goes like this, "God, help me to set aside everything I think I know about you. Help me to set aside everything I think I know about myself. Help me to set aside everything I think I know about this disease. and help me set aside everything i think i know about the steps granted i may know you as you really are myself as i really am this disease as it really is the disease of self and everything that goes with it and the true steps for healing anyway thank you for letting me share thank you very much thank you so much thank you very thank you very thank you very thank you Eric thank you Eric thank you Eric really thank you Eric thank you Eric thanks my name David i'm a sex addict Eric thank you so much and and you made me laugh because i had i come from another 12 step fellowship and a sponsor in that fellowship said it's not about learning it's about unlearning and that made absolutely no sense to me and if you look at like my big book it's underlined a million talking and and it's it's interesting because it actually ended up being the second my sex addiction and driving me to my body that opened me up to really reaching out for God and making the steps a way of life and and today i i i understand what that means thank god and and so thank you for reminding me that and and my question for you is i mean for me i i try to stay in a position of emptiness but i'm just wondering like how do you what practices being practices do you do to stay in a position of emptiness so that time you know your time doesn't get in the way of you know you being open to God so that's really a great question and so practical even i i realized i know only a little that i was in a meeting one time and i always said that and stuff and then the god spoke to me like i realize i know only a little so i have to really realize that and so i try to begin the very first action in the day by praying i do in my fate tradition a sign of the cross and then i start praying and then i have morning prayer because i otherwise self is getting up and starting to run the show and take me for a ride and i'm not perfect at this yesterday my morning prayers were 11 30 not a good idea but it happens but i'd say through practice i pray these prayers that say god granted in me greet all this coming day brings to me with spiritual tranquility granted in me fully surrender myself to your holy will at every hour of the state reveal your will to me bless my dealings with all who surround me and whatsoever news may reach me the course of the day teach me to accept it with a calm soul and firm conviction that all is subject to your holy will direct my thoughts and feelings and all my words and actions help me to be straightforward amized with all those around me now they're embarrassing they're saddening anyone grant me the strength to endure the fatigue of this coming day and all the events that take place during it direct my will teach me to pray to believe to hope to be patient to forgive and to love and then there's another prayer that is about 500 years old but it says god i do not know what to ask of thee you will know what are my true needs you love me more than i myself know how to love help me to see my real needs which are concealed for me i do not dare ask either cross or for consolation i only wait on you and it kind of finishes with pray thou thyself and me so they're kind of self-empting prayers but on a day to day like in the moment it's like god i don't know what to do here practicing i don't know what to do your wealth not mind be done how do i know what's good and and then it works if i pray the prayers sometimes the heart has to follow it just but yeah those are the practices so thanks for asking there thanks David for the question Claudia you're next can you take the time for me Daniel thank you thank you Eric i'm really grateful that i could hear you it really opens my heart and i'm really touched yeah it was so helpful also this i have also a lot of triggers when someone is saying are you working the steps working working working and i really try to work it and it does not work but i try to work it this is i try to i still i'm i'm really not new in the program but yesterday i had this a few moment where i really could let go everything and i i had this i can't heal myself i can't heal anybody this was so relieving it holds on for some hours but myself came back and my question is how are you listening to god how you are experiencing god what is what is your feelings around when you're praying i'm praying i talk to god but how are you experiencing god thank you and yeah i don't know if you want to talk about it thank you Claudia wow thank you for your share i appreciate your sobriety that's so cool well it'll come back to me what i do is i have to be silent but i'm not like meditating and in that regard i pray i ask god for direction in the morning it says we ask that are our thoughts be divorced from selfishness dishonesty fear and you know what is the next right step oh i know this brings it up so i i thanks because i had to not use the word work the steps but i use the word take steps or experience the steps and then it's like i take a little step and then god meets me i take another step and god meets me and in this co-operating with him he gives me so much more than i give to this little partnership because everything that's why when roy talks about it how did i do it i didn't do it and that's what happens is it's like wow so getting out of the way is what i do so then how do i know if i'm hearing from god i'm not sure someone asked that the other day not even in this program i'm not sure but i i'm okay with that i don't want to be absolutely sure that i hear from god and this is god's direction like i was scheduled to go visit a sponsor in ireland but things are turning not the right direction and on either side my wife has an eye surgery perhaps and you know what did we do and it's like i'm okay being in the state of not knowing because i know that things will work out i think there's also times when it's so powerful like i was wow this is where i was asked to speak at a big church in 850 people and i was getting sick like wow i don't want to be sick the a-book says we never pray for ourselves but only if others can be benefited so then i say god what's the next right step because myself in complexity oh my gosh they paid all this money for me to get there it's a weekend retreat for marriage and then the son of a blah blah calm down eric what do you want me to do so then i pray and god i mean i felt like this boy said go to and it's called a jamba juice it's in america it's like a little juice bar or smoothie bar which would have something called a cold buster or sickness buster that would help so i go walking in and this lady who's a customer says guess what do you want a free cold buster i have a coupon and it's like wow this is an answer to prayer in which case then i knew i was going to be okay that i love this phrase that we dust for god's fingerprints that we know that god is with us and it's not always the same way we think and i screw up every single day make all these kind of mistakes and god still loves me and he still heals me and the thing is if god helped me when i was in the thick and horrible addiction how much more can he help me when i'm at least trying to to do his will and so i can live with that like perfectionism actually squeezes out god that's the problem it's it's really the enemy here so yeah thanks for the question they're really good topic there thank you for the question elia to europe all right yeah thank you for what you had talked about it really feel like everything you said is what i'm gonna go through right now this last act out that i had or whatever we want to call it i realized i just realizing that it's i've been all doing self and so i'm trying to i'm trying to wrestle with that and trying to figure out okay at what point is itself and what point is it doing is it god and like okay like i haven't i realized like i need to pray like every day like kind of like my faith tradition says like take up your cross daily and it's it's a daily thing a daily surrender to god in my faith tradition and i see that also in our program but with that i'm like i'm also like well i gotta continue taking the steps i guess i just said it there but like i gotta continue doing what i've been doing like making the phone calls and because i believe the program works so i guess the question then which you probably just answered it too but maybe you can elaborate in a different way is like where do you like how do you juggle those two it's kind of like a paradox right like how do you juggle god like taking the steps and relying on god yeah it's through experience it's hard to talk about and a dear friend who's on this zoom call with this last night we were talking and he used the phrase that it's like trying to swim without water it doesn't work and so trying to do this program without god it just doesn't work and i've been using a metaphor which i think god gave me you know was how do you float the water just keeps you up but how do you do that you can't read a book about it you can be there with the body usually our parents and saying okay now just let go let go and it does not feel like the right direction like how is letting go and this water is going to keep me up but it seems to keep me up and then we tense up if you're like me and then i start to sing okay so then it's like oh wow i just got to let go and control and so that's what this program is like and i see i get the program is i know they use the word program but the problem is program sounds like self to me like i see that it's god who keeps me sober but the program is an okay term but it has to do what are the little tiny steps i do to get in the water to trust that the water will keep me up and then once i'd learned how to float to actually move in the direction god wants me to be and so i might move my hands and paddle a little bit but yeah so it's through trial and error i would finish with this is that look for sponsors or people who you want what they have and that they're going to help you have a really good relationship with the god of your understanding that that's where this whole thing is and someone said that a good sponsor helps you develop a good relationship with god because then through that relationship with god you'll stay sober the rest of your life because my sponsor can't save me can't provide they can only point the direction they can only be there to assure me that no the water will keep you up it's okay doesn't let god of control and they're just very patient i tend to want to be very extremely patient with people because people are so it can be so sad and i don't know when god's going to give them sobriety i don't but my job is to be there and to point them towards god and then they connect and once they learn to do it you can't unlearn it you go no i'm keeping this forever that's the good news and so it took me ten years but it's like great i am thankful for those ten years because now i know what to do and what not to do so thanks for your neighbor and see out of there ever now next yeah thanks for the question next up we have Nitesh from India yeah first of all thank you Eric for your wonderful share i was very grateful to be here i want to know how to differentiate between god will and my own will go like tend to find a lot of difficulty in making decisions so i will constantly evaluate and overthink and uh you know a lot of people if i choose this i lose this and if this doesn't work out and this and that but never really you know make any decisions and just tend to work people out i want to know how do you find out what is god will and what is you know like i'm just having my own ways so that i want to know thank you very much thank you so i'll say i'll print i had a little bit hard time understanding but i think i'll repeat the question is in just in the short thing how do i know what's eric's well and god's well um there are some things that early AA is used they were the four absolutes like is it is it loving is it absolutely loving is it honest what i'm wanting is it fear based you know is it resentment based so these things help us guide wow this is really just a selfish desire i want the new car or i want my wife to be a certain way so that must be god's well oddly not god's will actually i was i but i don't really know there's not an easy way i was sharing with someone yesterday i said i have the situation with my brother i got he has his own issues i have my issues and the question for me is does god want me to just suffer in a good way to become healthier by being interacting with them or should i just distance myself from him and avoid a contentious man because i i seem to have two messages that came in two days through spiritual literature that says just avoid a contentious man he struggles with alcoholism and bipolar and i know that self which tried to fix it and codependency this is where i love about the program this kind of gets rid of codependency i don't always know and so i pray and pray and pray and and this is my experience at god easy doesn't just tell me like that it may take months or years or you know but i do trust that he's going to guide me and that's why i cringe when i hear sponsors take the place of god when i hear someone says my sponsor told me that i should do this or i should do this with my wife and it's like oh lord have mercy like how does that sponsor know and i think the best words out of a sponsor's mouth are things i'm not sure let's pray i'll pray and you can pray and we'll see what happens so hopefully that helps there yeah right thanks neatish next up we have Basma hi everyone and Basma's as a hollocks i need to ask about the first sit of the drain i'm struggling nowadays facing a lot of you know thoughts and feelings about lust and the last time the last time i i relapsed was two weeks ago after being sober for 70 days and unfortunately i figured out that i have not been sober for the 70 days i was drinking lust all the time and so i'm trying to focus on not drinking lust so literally i didn't drink yesterday and i lost and i'm acting how to avoid or what what to do exactly to avoid drinking then the the second time of lust thank you thank you Basma really good question so i'll be a little bit quicker to be so it's a very common thing and what happens is when we've just slipped it inflates ourselves so then we go oh my gosh our hands just naturally trial count try harder harder and it's going to feel counterintuitive to let go if i were your sponsor i'd be saying things okay let's focus on what God's done in your life you may have 70 days okay God's good and he helped you see that some of those days you might have been drinking but let's focus on what the good is if we focus on lust lust will increase and it's just so trickery and people then get on the spiral and so i'd be grateful that you had 70 days free from lust okay so you then had a slip okay but then it's like but let's not forget that God helped you to have 70 days see and then let's focus on recovery looks like and it's like leading a person out of a forest that's so dark and all these sticks are going to stick you as i go let's just go this way let's just go this way let's just go where the light is and little by little by little and patience and love oh i will say this i felt so unlovable so unlovable and i felt that like how can you hold my hands during the prayer or even give me a hug because i'm such a bad person this is in the beginning and i realized love kills this disease it really just kills this disease and if you have loving people around you loving sponsor and let god love you then it just and love is it always warm policy feelings but it can be anything from my spiritual good so getting up and praying whether i feel like it or not so i'd focus on the program and not worry about lust and lust eventually will be i'm taken away it's kind of like cancer treatment kind of like don't worry about the cancer just do the treatment over here and it kills the lust over there and that's my experience that has helped i think so yeah thank you so much for the feedback i'm really good yeah thank you thank you vasma we have still have three questions we have Nancy and then we have Kelly in the chat and Thomas i'm not sure we have time to get through all of them we can we can try i can take it away hey he's basically answered thank you Eric he basically answered in the last response so i can paint mine away that's fine no worries i was going to suggest we could talk in the parking lot after we are whatever and again please mute if you're not speaking Nancy you're up next yeah name absolutely thank you very much thank you so much i'd like to read a question from a chat from a gentleman i would love to put prayers are called that eric answer you're going to need to have they need it here i'm not sure but if there's a way you could share the names of those prayers maybe folks could google it my question is i love the way i'm going to need to try to mute somebody here or someone else could i love the way you use a different word that kind of helps me look at some a different angle and for some reason i cringe at the word self which is self i've tried substituting the word ego but i'm not sure do you have any suggestions about that yeah so i'll go ahead and post prayers but anybody can email me and i can then send you a pdf of them so your question is what do you do when you hear selfish or that's selfish selfish i can deal with self-centered i can deal with self to me that's like who i am oh yeah okay yeah what's a yeah so a lot of times i have to say i say self-orientedness self-accession so yeah because i use self but i have so defined it as like an a-book but the reality is i have to take care of myself i have to take care of my life so ego i like this ego stands for edging god out i use the word inflated sense with self because see it's a lot of this is we just struggle with moderation so literating self is not getting rid of self it's really in christian terms not to be inappropriate here but it's sinfulness it's this sinful selfish desires selfish desires is really and selfish desires could be i want my son to be or a daughter to never get cancer people say well what do you mean that that's having a plan for their life how do i know that that's what's good for them and so then even if things look in my eric's world good that's director trying to run the show so director is another word i use or eric's zilla is i had a friend who made this cat zilla it's really the cutest cartoon where the same lady big cat is going through seattle and there's little bubbles it's a cartoon and it said things like well it all started when they ran out of cat food and so then eric you know so then i think eric's zilla began it starts out so good i have such good ideas and then it turns out so bad so yeah but don't i appreciate that balance there Nancy yeah thanks a lot yeah i would like to thank you for listening to this episode of the daily reprieve the best source for experience strength and hope for essay members please subscribe to this podcast to be alerted of new episodes please show your support by donating to the daily reprieve by going to donate dot the daily reprieve dot com and choosing either monthly donations or a one-time donation by clicking donate now thank you for listening and stay tuned for the next episode of the daily reprieve you