Maria Speaking to the Barcelona "Easy Does It, But Do It" meeting on August 16, 2023
The Daily Reprieve
Barcelona Meeting - Maria
[Music] Hello and welcome to the Daily Reprieve, where we provide essays, speaker meetings, workshops, and conferences in podcast format. We are an ad-free podcast. If you enjoy listening, please help us be self-supporting by going to Donate.theWreprieve.com and drop a dollar or two into the virtual basket. Please consider donating monthly by clicking the Donate monthly button. However, one-time donations are always welcome. Just click the Donate Now button. Now, without further ado, this episode of the Daily Reprieve. [Music] Okay, so today, August 16th, 2023, we're very, very happy to have with us Maria N, all the way from Brazil in recovery since 15 February 2019. And she will be sharing on the topic of step four. So, Maria, you're now on. You have 25 minutes. And if you like, if you can see me, I can give you a five minute to go warning. Would that work? Yeah, that would be awesome. And what do you mean by to go out at 20 minutes? Is that it? Right. At 20 minutes, I'll say you've got five minutes to go like that. Sounds great. Thank you so much. You have the floor. I'd be very welcome. Yes. I'm so grateful to be here to see old friend, to meet new ones. It's a privilege and honor. And I'm so grateful. Thanks, Nancy, for inviting me. Thank you all for having me here. We are recovering sexaholic and sober since February 15th, 2019, by God's grace. Someone is unmuted. If you could please check your meet. I hear some liquor noise. Yeah, just want to very quickly qualify why I am in, in a say, I am currently a widow. I had separated and my husband died while we were separated. He died last year. I come from a lineage of sexaholics. My grandparents on both sides were sexaholics. My father, my brothers, I come from a family of eight children and all of my brothers have difficulties in this area. And I am a sexaholic. I married a sexaholic. I would say I am when I was never low-bottom sexaholic. And that was mostly due to a church, Christian church that I joined when I was 17. But I had all of these ideas about sex that were, were sure to cause a lot of grief to me and to others around me. I didn't think about getting married. I thought about multiple partners. I thought about being unfaithful if I ever got married. All of these ideas were on my mind. And I was exposed to pornography, was molested as a child. So anyway, there was a big mix of ideas that were going to cause me a lot of grief. But then at 17, I joined the church. And at that church, they gave us for the first time in my life. I got directions about my sexuality. The directions I got at that church matched exactly our sobriety definition in essay. So I got the directions, but I was totally powerless and unable to follow those directions. So I had affairs with married men while I was in that church. I could not stop masturbating. So I felt totally powerless. I very, very much wanted to adhere to their guidelines on sexuality that I was receiving. I just could not and I didn't know why. And I experienced a lot of guilt, shame. And I felt like a phonia. I felt hypocritical because I was church. How come I was not able to follow the teachings. But anyway, I got married and I married a sexaholic and I being a sexaholic as well. But that seemed to help me because his being a sexaholic kept me busy being a co-dependent. So when I was married, I was very busy with this other addiction of co-dependency. So I never really betrayed him. I never really had affairs. I didn't even masturbate or watched pornography. It was something that I was just not. I just didn't do it. By God's grace, I did feel tempted to have affairs. But that never happened because of the teachings. At least that little bit I got from the church and I didn't go down that path. Anyway, after I separated, I thought I needed support. And I knew 12 steps by then. And then I found essay to help me support with the sobriety definition with the church guidelines that coincided. I was very happy with the sobriety essay sobriety definition because it coincided with the sex with the guidelines on sex that I was receiving at church. So I joined in, here I am, by God's grace. So just a brief introduction about why I qualified to be a sexaholic. Yeah, in asking God for guidance about what to talk today, I felt guided to talk about step four. I'm doing step four right now for the second time. I did it. I did the first time. I did it the first time out of the steps into action, the essay and workbook. And that was a wonderful experience. It was very helpful. But then after a while, I started having slips. And that's because of my character defect of, anyway, I stopped attending one meeting a day. I have found out that I need this regiment or one meeting a day. Three phone calls a day. I contacted my higher power through prayer and meditation. So I need, I need to have a little bit better. Do you need your apple? You all done? Anybody mute? Please, please go right back home, right? Please mute Daniel. Yeah, I'm so sorry about that. My fault. I really bothered that. Okay. Thanks Daniel. Anyway, doing step four for the second time. But I got myself into trouble when I stopped doing what they say we should do, which is one meeting a day, three phone calls a day, time in prayer and meditation with a higher power. When I do these things, my recovery goes well. So after a time, I started slipping and feeling very tempted to act out. And then at the same time, my sponsor relapsed. And I was without a sponsor for a couple of months. And then I really see clearly how I was going downhill and getting more and more feeling more and more vulnerable to last. Daniel occurred to me. I had heard people sharing about doing the essay steps out of the big book. And I was very curious about it. And every time we went, every person who went through this process, they raved about the method and stuff. And I got curious. So after my sponsor relapsed, I sought a sponsor who would walk with me with the steps through the big book, big book alone, because in a step into action, we read portions of the big book. And being a multiple winner, as I am and being in multiple fellowships, this was the structure of the other step work I did. You have, you just read some portions of the big book. But I wanted, I really wanted this step work that was entirely based on the big book. Then I found about BBS, which is a format for studying the steps. It's called a big book step study. And they have a website with all the information about it, with meetings. And the meetings have a very particular format that they follow called Haines format. So anyway, that's what I have been doing. And I am currently at step four. I'm not finished with the process. I am about 25% through. I'm not an expert in step four or big book. At these meetings with the BBS big book step study, I have found I have had the privilege to listen to big books, scholars. They know the big book back and forth and they can cross reference, you know, all kinds of sections. So I have really, I am learning a lot about the big book and how precious it is. So I started working with this sponsor. She's not a sexaholic. I did look for a sexaholic. She's not a sexaholic. But they say that this system can be applied to all addictions. And I'm finding it to be to be true, although I'm still, I mean, very early in the process of writing step four. But I find that it is true. Because as they say, we have this addictive mind and the addiction manifests in a number of ways and lust, food, gambling, drugs, whatever. So this process is really addressing the core of my all of my addictions, which are my beliefs, my, I mean, the wrongs I didn't pass that were not rectified. So anyway, this process really goes right into the core of all addictions. So my sponsor, who is not a sexaholic, had me write my own sobriety definition. So I wrote to her our essay sobriety definition. And then she said, it's okay. That's the general sobriety definition. But I wanted to write behaviors that are specific to you that have been leading you to sleep and possibly may lead you into a full blown relapse. And I wrote, you know, we were these behaviors, apparently, innocuous, were causing me to feed and energize my lust. For example, stretching, there are some stretching, it's exercise, right? Stretching is good for you, right? But if I do it on my own, I get super energized by lust. If I do it in public, it's okay. So I wrote in addition to the essay sobriety definition, I abstain from lust, full stretching, I abstain from trying on sexy clothing. And then again, these were regular clothes. But when I was when I was triggered by lust, I would try them on in a sexy way. And I would get very, very close to a relapse just by drawing on regular, trying on regular clothes and making them look sexy. She had me pick up these pieces of clothing that then again, their regular pieces of clothing for regular people, but not for me. So my sponsor had me give these items away. She was very gentle. She said, oh, you can put them aside for a while and then pray about it. And when you're ready, you just give them away. And that's what I did. I donated them all. I was sorry because, you know, there was money I spent on those clothes and I could wear them on a daily basis to work to charge. So I gave those away. I wrote in my sobriety definition, my appearance and my clothes are graceful, not sexy. I have a romantic and sexual relationship only with my husband. I do not go out alone with married men. I bring any inappropriate feelings or perceptions to light. I go out with men other than family only in public, in public places and in the company of other safe people. I am with men in cars only in the company of other safe people. So anyway, that's my false sobriety definition currently. Yeah, then she had me write the doctor's opinion, which is step one. And she showed me exactly the process. The when I feed lust, you know, a little bit of lust that triggers my the intolerance and the body, which triggers the obsession of the mind. And then I can't stop. I will act out. So anyway, we read a step one, the doctor's opinion. And then I started writing. She told me to buy a copy book. She told me to set aside one one to two hours daily. And she said to make this thing to have it, because after I am through with the step work, I'm going to use this time to study the big book with other women. Yeah. And then in my copy book, she told me to to open the pages so that I can have one page on each side. And on the left side, I was to write three columns. Those three columns, I believe all of you are familiar with I am resentful at the cause and affects my I'll try and share my screen with you. Yeah. And she she showed me in the big book what we were doing. And this is step four right here, page 64. And then she showed me. Yeah, that's where we started. Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory. This was step four. And then we read these paragraphs. She emphasized that resentment is the number one offender. Anyway, right now I'm doing the resentment portion of the step four inventory. The full step four inventory in the book also comprises fear of fear inventory and a harm's done inventory. So resentment is the number one offender. And that's what I am writing on right now. And then we went to the middle of the paragraph. We listed people institutions or principles with whom we were angry. And that's column number one. And I wrote that list. And then she she had me write this list. First of all, write vertically, write the list with all the names, people, institutions, or principles. And then column two, she showed me here in the big book, page 64. We asked ourselves why we were angry. That's the cause. And then I write the causes. And many of these causes are imagined. I had no idea how I fabricated conflict in my mind and ideas that created a barrier between myself and others. And so that I would isolate so that I would be alone. So anyway, in the cause columns, we write the harms others did to us why why I was angry. The the harms I perceived others had done on to me. In the end, we went to columns three affects what it affects the instincts it affects. And then she showed me here in the big book, in most cases, and we found that our self esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships, including sex, we're hurt or threatened. So we were sore, we were burnt up. So this is the third column. And with these first columns, I am resentful at the cause and affects my instincts. It affects. I just came to the conclusion that everybody else in the world, just about all of my relationships, these people are wrong. They had done something wrong to me and I am hurt. That was my conclusion. And that's where I stayed stuck. But then right at this point with the three columns, and let me show you the columns right here, these are the three columns. I am resentful at the cause affects my and right here, we write for each of the of the resentments, we write the instinct that it affects. For example, this is the the most complete example right here. Mr. Brown, his attention to my wife, the instincts that affects sex relations, self esteem, then told my wife of my mistress, this is resentment number two, again, sex relations, self esteem, and resentment number three for the same person, security, the the instinct effect, security, self esteem here. Anyway, these are the three columns. And right at this point, when I found out that all the wrong these people had done me, she had me say the sick men's prayer for all of them, which is in page 67. Yeah, right here, we asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended, we said to ourselves, this is a sick man or woman, how can I be helpful to him? God saved me from being angry, I will be done. So I had about 200 resent names. And I said this, this prayer for each of the the names, each of the the people. So I said this prayer at least 200 times. Yeah. And and and something changed inside me about these people, something really changed. And then after that, we went on to the fourth column. So this is the the left hand side page, thinks Daniel, this is the left hand side page. And then on the page on the right, in the copy book, that page on the on the right hand side. That's when I really did my inventory, what my part in it, what I had done wrong. And that's that's the real inventory, or also called the turnaround, what I had done to these people that made them react the way they did. And then she gave me a list. She gave me a list of what I was to look at in each of these names, where I was selfish. She wanted me to write what I wanted or did not want out of the situation. And I really wanted the person to be different. I wanted the person to do something that they were not able to do. And then where I was dishonest, this list is the longest one. I am not aware of how I really thought about the honesty, you know, the pocketbook, the honesty when I get more money, I don't return or are still or lie. But then, but it's not just that. And she had me right for each of the names. She wanted me to to preface each of these sentences with its designers to think, it's dishonest to think that I have all the information. I know all of this person's motives, feelings or thoughts. I mean, this gave me so much compassion for people because I don't really know what people is going through that day. Maybe they're having a bad day. Maybe their spouse is having an affair. Maybe their child is sick. I don't have all the information. I don't know all of their motives, feelings, thoughts. I don't know if there are limitations. Also, it's dishonest to think that I haven't placed myself in a position to be hurt because I can do that. Something I did later on, placed me in a position to be hurt. No video, she gave me this list, which I wrote for each of the names, each of the names. I mean, I'm still in the process of writing and then self-seeking. She told me these are verbs, these are actions that I took and behaviors that I exhibited. For example, manipulate, sneeze, shun, blame, judge, criticize, slender, gossip, and she had me right. All of these behaviors also for each of the names. In frightened, where was I frightened? Being harmed, others' opinions. I know my time is almost up. Is it okay if I go a few minutes over? Thank you. Thank you. So, I had a lot of fear and my main fears are these. She gave me this list as well. My main fear is being harmed, others' opinions. I don't matter inadequacy, abandonment, rejection, being disliked, being fired. I am not good enough. I am unable to protect myself. I am being controlled. I'm not getting what I wanted. I mean, this whole exercise, although I told you I'm 25% through with the process, it has been so transformational so far. One thing I noticed is that in all of my relations, I compare all the time. I am either inferior or in superior, and I found out that I don't feel comfortable around the people who, on my mind, are superior to me. I feel are comfortable with those whom I sense, I think, are inferior. As a result of that, I'm also interacting with people who are struggling, who have a lot of difficulties because they're inferior, and they make me feel good, right? I feel good around them. So, the real nice people, the people who are trying to improve themselves and who may be ahead of the game, who may have behaviors that I really admire, people I admire, I feel uncomfortable being around because on my mind, I am inferior, right? So, in a way, I have had amazing perceptions throughout this process, amazing compassion for people and for myself. I am a sick individual. So, I am a beloved child of God. And I am, as I said, just in the beginning of this process, I look forward to what's ahead. It has already been very transformational, and I'm really looking forward to that spiritual awakening, which I have had over the years. My spiritual awakening has been of the slow variety. It was not anything miraculous, but this has been so much faster than what I had before. The few months have been on this process, I feel that I am much more spiritual now. My relationships have improved as a result. I'm closer to God. So, in a way, life keeps getting better and better. I start seeing the promises they say before, where halfway through the process, we would see results, we would see miracles, and I am already witnessing these miracles. I look forward to what's ahead. I think life is getting better and better, and the very best is yet to come. Thank you so much for listening. Then again, a great privilege, honor, blessing to be able to give this service, and I do hope I was able to help at least one person. Oh, and I am reminded to say something. I heard people suggesting that we first have a period of sobriety before doing the steps, and that's only one way of working at, because for me, I had to work the steps so I could stay sober. I just don't get it. Why? How people can stay sober before working the steps? I could never do it. I could never stay sober long enough to, or be abstinent long enough to have the sobriety, to have the clarity of mind to work the steps. It was a process that happened at the same time, work the steps and strengthen my ability to stay abstinent and sober. So anyway, whichever process you choose, it's just, I just wanted to bring this awareness that there are two approaches to the step work, and what helped me was to work the steps even while I was relaxing, because the step work did help me get sober. Yeah, get and stay sober. Thank you so much for your kindness and having me and listening to what I had to say. I do hope it was helpful. Thank you. Thank you, Maria. Thank you, Maria. Very much, Maria. Hi, it's Alona. Thank you so much, Maria, for your share. I, too, believe there's no right way or wrong way to work the steps other than not working them. And I take my sponsors through using Step Into Action, but a lot of things I learned from Nicholas K in the UK, who does our sorry, Nicholas asks in the UK, who uses another book as Bill, not as both the good old timers. My question to you is you mentioned a husband, but you also mentioned that you're widowed. So are you married now? Did you get into a relationship during recovery after the death of your first husband? And just briefly, what is your life like now in recovery? Thanks. Thanks for the question, Alona. And it's good to see you. I have seen your name and some of the groups we are in together. So it's great to see your face and put a face to the name. Awesome. My husband died last year, a tragic death. He committed suicide. He was a sexolic. He had a drug addiction that was not treated. And he took his own life last year, August last year. When you did this August is when you're up his desk. And no, I had not entered any relationships while we were separated or after he married. But I am open to a relationship right now. I was not before, because although we were separated, we were still married. We were not divorced. We were separated. So I did not get into any relationships. And I have essay to thank for that, because it would have been very, very overwhelming to be alone, to be not to have a husband, not to have a partner, and to, you know, it would have been so easy to get into misconnection again. And I saw friends of mine who were separated go down that path. And they start going out. And pretty soon they don't wait very long. They start living together, having sex, living together. And anyway, that whole mess. And I didn't want that to happen. So I am infinitely grateful for essay for each person who held my hand when I was feeling lonely. And when I didn't know how to handle my emotions, because it's just so easy. So many times, lust told me what you need is a man. You need a partner. You know, it's a lie. It's a lie, because after I work my program, I go to a meeting, I make phone calls, I pray, I meditate. Then I have the real connection with God. And I am ready to go out and have a real connection with my family, with friends. Then I feel that I am a full person. Just getting to a relationship because I was feeling lonely would have been a terrible misconnection. So anyway, just I am open, as I said right now, for a new relationship, because I understand it, I have the I am within the essay sobriety definition. I mean, I'm not married and husband is dead. But then again, I've been praying for for sober dating to be able to sober date, something I was never able to do before, never ever. I have no idea how this looks like. But I'll tell you if I find out. Thank you so much. Good luck and condolences on losing your husband through suicide. Thank you. Yeah. Thanks a moment for the question. Martina, you're next. Hi, Maria. This is Martina from Germany. We haven't met personally yet, but I'm very impressed for your share. I'm very grateful to have you here and to listen to you, especially for your extremely solid step work, like writing down 200 names and praying for each person 200 times. I mean, I've never heard that before. And I was just wondering how you got like the motivation and the willingness to do so. That's my question. And I would love to get these documents you just showed on the screen. That shouldn't be a problem. I just put my email address in the chat. Yeah, but like, where did you get the willingness and the motivation from to do such solid inventory? Yeah, thanks. Thank you, Martina. Yes, I'll send you the documentation. I'll even send you the site or the BBS in case you want to browse through. Yeah, the motivation. Anyway, I was curious about the process, as I said, because everybody I heard had gone through the process, would rave about it, would say wonderful things about the process. So I was curious. And then I was so happy with step one, step two, step three, we were going rather quickly. And I thought, oh, my goodness, this is a piece of cake compared to steps into action with all those questions and all the readings and everything. But then when I got to step four, and my sponsor told me what I had to do, I thought, oh, my. And then she would not, I had this difficulty with her. She would not give me directions in writing, only oral directions. That's what made me very angry in the beginning and intolerant. And then I read that line in the big book that said, when they're describing the process, and the line says, at some of, at some of these, these suggestions, right, to work the steps at some of these, we balked. We can't go on with it. I then I thought, oh, my goodness, I'm bokeying. I was looking for an excuse to stop working, step four. And I've been attending meetings of people who have been through this process, and they all share the same experience. As soon as they find out what lies ahead in step four, some stop their separate, stop meetings, and then they come back months later, because the pain of not working the steps, finally, is greater than the pain. The pain of not working the steps is greater than the pain of working the steps, and then they come, they come back. But invariably, people walk, people do not want to carry on with the process, because it is too much work. And I had to ask God to help me. And I prayed for my sponsor, and I wrote an a resentment inventory for her several. I thought about firing my sponsor, you know, all of these things, these ideas came to my mind. But that's that was a result of bokeying and not wanting to to go on with the process. I hope I answered your question. But anyway, motivation came from God, from God and the awareness that I needed. Yeah, that I was bokeying. Yeah, thank you, Kelly. Thank you for posting. She posted the good website, the website for for this big book step study. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, if there were three people that were asking for for the website and the documents, I assume on that bbs step study dot org website, you can access the documents that you were some of the things you were showing us. Whoop. No, I would have to send them to you separately. If somebody could get the emails, let me see. Maybe I can. I wrote them down and I'll get them to the folks. Oh, perfect. Okay. Thank you, Nancy. Sure. To me, please, Nancy. And then I'll send everyone the information I showed earlier. Yeah, now I see at least four people are asking. So, okay, next up we have Katrine, then we have Toka, and then I have Kelly in the chat. So, Katrine, you're next. Thank you, Daniel. Hi, Katrine. Last dig. Thank you very much, Maria, for your share. I have to tie myself. Okay. Yeah, I wanted to ask you something or rather, I always have difficulty when I do my 11th step inventory at night, and I go through my day to find exactly the dishonesty, where has the dishonesty been? Because my view of dishonesty has also been so narrow, like I have lied to someone today. But not that I have these dishonest ideas in my head about life and what's going on. So, this was very helpful that you shared that. But now I imagine using this and doing it at night and always finding like 10 things where I lied about myself or about the things that I did. And then that I was incredibly selfish because of all the good examples that were listed on that list. And it's supposed to be like a constructive review. That's my time. And have you used that also at 11th step at night, maybe for a review or a few days? Can you recommend that or rather not? And identification with the clothes I was shopping for donation? Yeah, thanks. Katrine, so good to see you. Very happy to see you here. And thank you for your question. Well, also in everybody, the list. But I'll tell you, it works best within the process of the big book because it's a very particular way of working the steps. And it works best with a sponsor because I am not able to see the dishonesty. I am not able. I have this list. But I cannot see all the instances when I am being dishonest, when I am being selfish, when I am frightened. And she shows me. So it works best in the context of this particular step study. But I am sure that it can be used for a step 11 or a step 10, actually. Yeah, I'm sure it will be, it will have some use for that. But it's maximum use will come out of working the whole process. I'm not advertising the process. It's just that it works best within the context of the study. And absolutely, I think it would be helpful for a step 10 or a step 11. Currently, just in all honesty, I was doing a step 10 and step 11 in the evening. And my sponsor told me to stop doing it for now for a while for a while. And then she told me to do a step 10. So right now, all I've been doing in the way of step 10 is read some pages out of the big book. I'm not actually doing the inventory of the day, which I miss. I was doing that. I was doing that. But she told me to stop because we're doing a different process. So right now, I cannot recommend anything special, anything that I could say that worked for me. I cannot recommend that for step 11 or step 10 for for the moment. Thank you. Thank you, Katherine, for the question. And Toka, you're next. Thank you so much, Daniel. Thank you, Maria. It's six a hundred from Egypt. I want to thank you first for from from from from a few weeks. We was sharing together a lot and you was a very helpful partner. And after we stopped sharing, you was sending messages for me. Hey, Toka, how can I pray for you today? And I was so happy for your messages. Thank you. I want to ask, I'm facing some problems nowadays. I'm super since September 29. And I cannot get my life back normally, like planning for my days, planning for my activities. And I feel like my life goes random. If you have an experience in how to deal with that, I'm going to be wonderful. Thank you. Thanks for the question, Toka. So happy to see you as well. We talk. There was a time when we talked more often, but we still do. And folks, if you don't make your phone calls, yet your three phone calls a day, please do. It's wonderful. I get to talk to people from all over the world. It's so enriching. I don't want to lust tells me to isolate, but then because lust wants me to miss all this richness of meeting such wonderful people all over the world. So anyway, if you're not making your three phone calls a day, you're missing out. You're missing out. Yeah, did you say you're sober since September 29? Is that what you said, Toka? Yes. September 29 led. What year? The last year, 2022. Oh, 22 September 22. Okay. And if I understood you correctly, you're having difficulties planning your time. Is that it? You feel that you're going around in circles? Is that what you said? Okay. Thanks for that question. I find that to be so common with areas to have this difficulty with time, time planning and time management. And I am included. I am included. After my sponsor relapsed, and I went to a few months without a sponsor, and I started engaging in the old, lustful behaviors and energizing my lust and slipping. That's, I think that's what was the first area that was affected, the clarity about my time. I just don't know where time goes. And I get super vague about time. So it takes a while for my head to clear so that I can again be, oh my goodness, we're over time. So it takes a while for, I mean, in addiction, that the first things that it affects is my time management skills. So it is on our best interest to be sober, and lust especially has a way of clouding in my mind when it comes to time. And also, but I find that it's important to have a system for the different areas, a system for money, a system for the time management, and for money, I use one of the fellowships. You probably have heard of it. I don't know if it's okay to say the name of the fellowship, but anyway, one of the 12-step fellowships I use to help me with my money. With my time, I could not find much help in the 12-step fellowships, I guess because we are all at it. But I do use a system called GTD, getting things done that has been very helpful. And I have an action partner, and together we do this GTD, and it has brought a lot of clarity. But I'll tell you these systems, the softwares, whatever you have it, only work if I am sober. If I am not sober, I have no clarity whatsoever to use these systems. So the most important thing is to be abstinent and sober from all of my addictions so I can have the clarity to use the systems to use the softwares. Yeah, I hope that was helpful. It helps. Thank you so much. Thanks, Toka. We have a message in the chat. Let me get back up there. Maria, thank you so much for your share. I really appreciate your description of the big book study process. I've been involved in that process for a long time in another program and grateful for the opportunity to recover in that specific way. My question is, how have you been able to transfer or translate lust addiction into the big book reading? I struggle with changing the words to fit essay sobriety. Oh, I was hoping for a more elementary school level kind of question. This is the university level. I don't have that difficulty and I can easily, easily transfer. I mean, not the language itself when I'm reading, not the language itself, but when I'm reading in public in a meeting. I don't know if this is what you mean. I don't sometimes don't think fast enough to replace the words, but with, for example, that passage when they say in the big book that the alcoholic tries only wine, only beer, taking a trip, not taking a trip, religion, whatever the person describes the restrictions that they try to impose on themselves, on alcohol, and they couldn't do it. They find if they drink only beer, they will drink case of beer and then they will move on. They will progress into something, something else, something stronger. I can make a parallel between with lust because I tried to restrict myself to only pornography, for example, and in pornography only with adults, but I saw myself. I saw the progression with the pornography and pretty soon I started with the usual pornography, men and women, and that's where I wanted to stop and pretty soon I was watching horrible, horrible things on the internet. I'm not even going to describe what I was watching so as to not give you any ideas, but I had these boundaries that I was not able to enforce for myself. And then with masturbation, I was thinking, oh, I would only use X to masturbate, but then I saw it escalating. And then again, I'm not going to describe the process and how from one thing I moved on to the other and how it kept progressing and pretty soon I was thinking about doing things that I would never, ever have thought of. So it's the progression of the disease. And if it all starts with a little bit of lust, and then again, with the alcoholic, it's that first drink and that first drink can be just a little bit of alcohol in a food, in a certain type of food, in a medicine, just so that little bit can be the first drink. And for me, it's that first look, it's that first thought. If I don't surrender it right away to my heart power, if I don't make a phone call, if I don't go into a meeting, it keeps progressing. It's not my idea. Sometimes I try to push down the thought, no, I don't want to go, but down that road. But I do go invariably. So I see a parallel between the first drink of alcohol, the first drink of lust. And I see many, many parallels. So I really don't experience this difficulty that you you are talking about. But in reading in public, I'm not fast enough to make the substitutions that it's true. But when I'm reading on my own, I can easily do that to the substitute. Alcohol for lust. I would like to thank you for listening to this episode of The Daily Reprieve, the best source for experience, strength and hope for essay members. Please subscribe to this podcast to be alerted of new episodes. Please show your support by donating to The Daily Reprieve, by going to donate.thedayreprebe.com and choosing either monthly donations or a one-time donation by clicking donate now. Thank you for listening and stay tuned for the next episode of The Daily Reprieve. [Music]