Sharon Hinton speaks with author David Carruthers about his book "The Open Doors: Learning to Avoid the Distractions that Deter Destiny". Sharon and David talk about reaching for your destiny, overcoming your fears, and expectations for men and women in a relationship.
WBCA Podcasts
Black Teachers Matter
Sharon Hinton speaks with author David Carruthers about his book "The Open Doors: Learning to Avoid the Distractions that Deter Destiny". Sharon and David talk about reaching for your destiny, overcoming your fears, and expectations for men and women in a relationship.
- Broadcast on:
- 15 Oct 2024
- Audio Format:
- other
(upbeat music) Welcome to Black Teacher's Matter. Here we are at WBCA LP 102.9 FM. We are Boston's Community Radio Station. My name is Sharon Eaton Hinton. And as usual, I have an amazing guest for you tonight. But I haven't really, I don't think I've interviewed an author yet, so he would be my first. But I've known him a very long time. The name of the book is The Open Doors, learning to avoid the distractions that deter destiny. And he's my good friend, David Carruthers. We were playing 'cause he's really from Boston, even though he has tuned in all the way from North Carolina, North Kakeleleki. Hey now, David, how you doing? - I'm good, how are you, Sharon? - I am great, although my camera just slipped a little bit, but we're gonna see if we can adjust that just a little bit 'cause it's making me look like a teeny tiny person. Jaleel is my assistant here tonight, and he's gonna go out and get one of my guys here, Brett Rodricks, and we can fix the camera. However, I wanna just tell you guys, David Carruthers is a motivational speaker and the author of the critically acclaimed children's book, Reading Can Take You Anywhere and Kill Your Giants, which was his first one. He has a seven-week personal development program, and he's been recognized for his work as a columnist for Rima Magazine and the International Poet Society. He has been featured on WVZ, WZE, and Hot 97. He's also a certified mental health coach with the American Association of Christian Counselors. David's message brings enlightenment, purpose, and empowerment to a variety of audiences. He's also an advocate of greatness and supporter of you living your dreams, and this book is talking about leaving your dreams in everything, David, how are you? - I am very well. Thank you so much for having me. - And so tell me what, this is your seventh book, right? - Yes. - It's your seventh book, and I was blown away. First off, all the quotes that you have in this book are incredible, and I'm looking at you right now because they're adjusting my camera. Thank you, Tommy. He's amazing. So I don't look like a little person, which I am not, so let me keep talking. Thank you so much, Tommy. Tommy is the assistant radio manager here. I'm gonna end off the total show with a quote by Henry David Thoreau, so we're not gonna get to that quote right now. But there were, yeah, man. I'm gonna start, I have to go through this whole book because I was telling you before we were talking. You autographed this book to me with much love and live your dreams, and I'm never gonna give this up because you autographed it, and you're gonna be famous and rich, and I need to have friends like that in my circle. And the other reason why is because I wrote all the way through this book. I mean, I wrote and I underlined everything. And so even in the, even, I think this was, this is when you get the Roman, wait a minute, was this, yeah, why I wrote this book? Genius is the capacity to make the complicated symbol, but that was the one I wanted to start off with. When we open these doors, because we love more options, and think having more options makes us feel like we are free, we're not. I mean, and it is dangerous to state that we all have our own truths. And this is gonna tell people how old you are. As one who is half a century old, with an obsession, with personal development, there are truths in this book that are invaluable and are guaranteed to help you if you will open the door. And that's what this book is about, the open doors. But you also talk about open doors and closed doors. When doors have you opened and closed since pandemic? - Since the pandemic. - Yeah. Okay, so one of the doors that I opened was, I'm always opening the door to destiny. And what I mean by that is that destiny is always unfolding. So with the door to, I opened up the door to destiny, but what that meant was loneliness. And when embracing loneliness, it wasn't so much embracing loneliness as much as it was so much that I found out with when you embrace your destiny, you have to be lonely. - You have to be lonely because you're an eagle, and eagles usually fly alone. They're usually monogamous. And there are not too many people that go up there because they can't stand the air. And even Michael Jordan talked about rare air. Everybody, there's a story, I don't know if it's really a proverb or anything, but I remember reading a story about when crows, there was a crow that was on the back of this eagle. And it was pecking at the neck of the eagle. And everybody else thought, you know, you should kill the eagle, you should kill the crow, the eagle is a predator, right? He should kill the crow. And all he did was fly higher because he knew at those heights, the crow was gonna drop off. So is that what you're talking about, the loneliness? - That's exactly what I'm talking about, beautiful analogy 'cause that's exactly what I'm talking about. - Now, when you're talking about the loneliness, it's because you're, and so, okay, I gotta start at the beginning. We're gonna go, we're gonna try to go through this book because I literally underlined so many different pages. Let's talk about fear because chapter one says knock, knock, it's fear. And now the part that's in italics, did you write that? Did you let about the hello, my name is fear, and I will be with you for the rest of your life? Is that something that-- - Yeah, I wrote the-- - Wow, okay. - Yeah, I wrote both sides. - So out of, you know, I have to read this, and I'll read it in my sexy voice, but this isn't sexy at all 'cause it's above fear. (laughing) So the, so chapter one is knock, knock, it's fear. All the things I would do if I had no fear. Hello, my name is fear, and I will be with you for the rest of your life. In your childhood, I'll whisper in your ear, telling you to blend in with the other kids, inciting you to be mean, harsh and rude, and will encourage you to go against your good conscience. I'll be there as a teenager, alluring you to be either withdrawn from the things that could empower you, or alluring you to be crazy, daring toward that which is negative, anything to get you away from the authentic you. I'm the one telling you to rebel against your parents. I'll be presenting scenarios. They are old and out of touch, and that they don't understand you, even though you know they have been loving you from your inception in the womb. I'm the one who will always push you to do the easy thing instead of the hard thing, even though you know the discipline path will lead you to greatness. Now here's where I underline. I will always be responsible for the comfort of your feelings, but I will never lead you to your destiny. Let me read the rest. I am the voice that says, don't apologize, because humility, so deep, doesn't feel good. I'm the one responsible for people not showing vulnerability, which leads to intimacy and breakthrough. I'm the one who says you can lie, cheat, and manipulate your way out. I won't tell you that you will lose in the end because I don't think long-term and besides, that is not my job. My duty is to get you over and not through it. I'm short-term. Here's what you have to understand. I'm fear, and I've been here since the beginning of time. I've been doing this to millions of people before you, and I'll be doing this to millions after your death. This is not personal. This is not the makeup of who I am. I wish it were that easy. I'm gonna go back to that underlying sentence, 'cause that just blew me away. I will always be responsible for the comfort of your feelings, but I will never lead you to your destiny. Talk about that. - Mm, it's okay. So fear's responsibility is to say, hey, I'm the one that's gonna, basically, I'm always gonna be the one that's gonna hold you back. There is a sign right on my job that says, greatness never comes in your comfort zones, okay? So fear's job is to say, no, don't like to like, for instance, if some good man asks you out and you say no, why did you say no? - 'Cause that's my job. I'm a female. You're supposed to give you a hard time. Uh-uh, we're supposed to give you a hard time. You're a hunter. We're a gatherer, and we gotta know, and then, I know, we're gonna go to those chapters, right? Because you talk about that further run in the book, so we're gonna get there. And I'm messing with you right now, but we talk about the conditioning of males and females, right? So first off, you're a hunter and you're a king. And so as a woman, you want to know, you gotta put him through some tests to know if he's even capable of being a king in your life. And part of that is, does he really want me? What's he gonna do to get me? And is he really worthy of me? So I'm gonna tell you a really short story. We're gonna get back to you. I met my husband at a radio station. I was literally on the air when I met him. And he brought in his friend, his boy. His boy brought him there, actually, to the station. And his boy was suspended because he had played something on the air and he wasn't supposed to do it. And so when his boy came in, he said, I said, what are you doing here? And he said, I'm just showing my brother around, showing what I do. But yeah, but you're not supposed to be here, which means he's not supposed to be here. Get the F out, right? I kicked him out. That was my first encounter. And I heard later on that his boy told a man, I can't stand that B, man, she's so rude. And the man who ended up later being my husband said, man, I like that. She doesn't let anybody push up on her. And if me and her get together, it's not gonna be so easy to get her, right? So you guys are conditioned to be able to handle rejection. We're conditioned to reject you because we're testing you to make sure that you are up to the task of being able to defend us being, whether or not we really want you. Now the other part in your book talks about the wrong reasons why women do it 'cause they trifle it and they're rejecting men for materialistic and really not so good reasons. Like they're rejecting because you don't have a good car or you don't have a, you know, it's really tacky reasons. You and I are old school. So I was taught that you don't make it easy because no real a lion doesn't want something dead. You know, he's not gonna, if you're laying there and you just giving it to him, they're gonna figure like, what's wrong with you? Like you must be dead or you must be sick. And so we test or I test, you know, brothers or men. And I would test them because I grew up around real men. And so my training was you don't make it easy on this brother to get to you. You gotta see if he really has what it takes to get to you and if he's gonna consistently, if not, then you know, you're supposed to test him and he's supposed to keep pushing the boundaries if he really wants you. Almost like this story about the sperm, right? That it's the most diligent one that has the right chemical reactions that's gonna get to the egg. It's not just the millions that got shot out. So there's a reason why this was to happen. But the fear thing, and you said on your next page, and I congratulate you for being so transparent about you being bipolar, 'cause that is incredible. Being a man and then saying, this is what I have, this is what I know, but I'm embracing it because it actually makes me stronger and it will help someone else. Like real men, and you got, I think you got pink on too. Real men can wear pink and real men actually cry. But the sentence that you said is, I am so scared right now because I am a man who has no control over his mind. Talk about that. - Okay, so that comment came out of, or yeah, came out of the many times that I've had some mental breakdowns. And when you're in a bipolar manic state, you don't have any control over your mind. And so your fear is like beating you up big time because you don't know what's going on. You can't control your mind. And you wish that somebody would look past whatever they think is crazy, or this, or out of your mind, or just belligerent, and you wish somebody would just kind of grab you and be like, hey, you're gonna be okay. - But you know what I'm saying? - I know what you're saying 'cause you're saying it, but the other thing that you said too on the same page, fear will have you creating smoke screens in the sides that do not make any sense. - Oh yeah. - Are you doing this, covering up the vulnerable fact that you don't have it all together? Is that what you're talking about? - I mean, well, I mean, that comment comes out of being in relationships where people know you and they're still not being vulnerable. Like my thing is like, so, so. So if you already know, like there are a couple of women that I've dated, that I know there are some that have known me for years, I've shot my shot, and they were like, I'll get back to you. Okay, whatever. - They didn't, when they say they get back to you, they didn't just say, you're not my type, well, I don't look at you like that? - No, no, no, I knew that I was their type, and vice versa. My point is that, my point is is that, you know, at some point, you have to close the deal. You know what I'm saying? - No. - Like, like. - They didn't close the deal, meaning what? Did they accept you and you're gonna date or are you just gonna go further to the next step? - That we're gonna go further to the next step. So what I'm saying is, is if you know me, we've already been out on dates, we've talked, we've been friends for years, but the initial meeting was, I was with somebody and you was with somebody, so we couldn't be with anybody. We're both now separated, we're both now single, I shoot my shot and you're like, really, that's fear, close the deal. - Okay, I get it. - And I'm not coming back. - He said, I'm out, I have another, so we're gonna stick with this for a second. By the way, your book was an excellent read. I was very, I didn't wanna put it down, and so I actually read it in one sitting. I just stayed with it, I really did. I stayed with it and I put my phone on silent, and I didn't, you know, I just had to stick with it, but anyway, so let's move on, 'cause we only got an hour, and we got less an hour. Something else that you said that was deep. Since fear covers the truth, you must reveal it. If fear ever deletes faith, you will need to add faith back in, because you will need this to fulfill your dreams. And the other thing that you quoted, and I love the quotes that you have in this book, by the way, Robert H. Schuller, if you guys don't know Robert Schuller, he's dead now, but he was an amazing pastor, preacher, speaker, author of a lot of Christian books. Robert H. Schuller said, "If you, quote, "if you listen to your fears, you will die "never knowing what a great person you might have been." That is so deep. - Yeah. - That is so deep, I mean, that is so deep. And you know, I had the blessing, I didn't think so at the time, but I had the blessing of working in a nursing home when I was 17, and everybody was older than me, older than dying, waiting to die. And I worked there because I wanted to be close to my nana, my father's mother, I adore her, I idolize her. She, I even one of my daughter's names is my nana's name, because to me, she was the, and still is to me, the standard for such a amazing, regal, gentle, empowered black queen. I mean, she is just, she was it. But I also remember working in that nursing home. And where people were at the end of their lives, and some of them were still dreaming, and some of them were still talking about what they wanted to do or what they wish they could do. And the other thing is that I've heard this statement, and it was also said about, about my own mother, about my sister, and I've heard it before. I thought I had more time. I thought I had more time. I planned for this. I thought I had more time, and then something happens. And my uncle, my uncle was in the hospital bed, and he was like, sharing, get me out of here. I got stuff to do. I still am building this. I grew this. I'm waiting for this to come up. And I've heard people saying, I'm waiting for retirement. I'm waiting till I get enough money. I'm waiting to this. I'm waiting till I get married. I'm waiting till, you know, and so that statement, if you listen to your fears, you will die never knowing what a great person you might have been. Talk about that. Because you talk about in this book, really going for it. - Right, so there's a quote by Michael Jordan that I just memorized, and it's so profound and powerful. He says, look into minds. I have something better or more important than courage. I have patience. I know I will become who I am. And if you hear that, right, it's kind of an oxymoron. It's like, how do you know you're going to become who you know you are? Well, obviously he has an inner vision of who he is, right? What's your inner vision of who you are? My boy put something on Facebook. He said, I hope my homies are healed regarding the things that they don't talk about. And I put me to, and then a couple of days later, I was like, you know what I said? - Say that again, say that again. You hope your homies heal? - He said, I hope my homies heal from the things that they never talked about. - Wow. - And I said, me too, right? And then a couple days later, I said, you know what? I said, they can't heal from the things that they don't talk about. - 'Cause they don't talk about it. - Exactly. You have to talk about it. You have to confront it. You have to say it out loud. There's something about speaking certain things and hearing, hearing the vulnerable spaces and places and going, oh, shoot. Like my first book took me five years to write because I was dealing with me. - And your first book? - Not because I was writing. - Your first book was "Kill Your Giants." Go ahead. - Yeah. So I had to deal with me. I had to deal with the voices of, I'm not smart enough. I don't have a degree. I've never done this before. I had to fight all those voices. But so I had to fight them. And then I had to acknowledge them. And then I had to say, you know what? I can do it and I will do it. - And you said when you do it. That was the first one though, but you said once you do it, it gets easier. - Oh yeah, big time. Big time, look at these books now. So I went from telling God several times. I can't write a book to writing a book to doing seminars of how to write a book. - Hmm. - If you grow, you can have anything that you want, anything, is the key. If you don't grow, you won't get it. That's spiritual, emotional, financial, sexual. But if you don't grow, you won't get it. That's not an opinion. You have to grow. And here's the thing in life that they don't tell us enough. Your greatest fight in life is you versus you. Which you is gonna win? Is it gonna be the mediocre you? Which you really don't have to fight for? Or is it gonna be the great you? Which you have to fight for? - So two things. One is, if you've just tuned in, you are listening to David Credhers. We're talking about his latest book, The Open Doors, Learning to Avoid the Distractions that Deterra Destiny. David Credhers, an author, singer, amazing, public speaker, massage therapist and workshop. So you've, I mean, when you're dealing, and I say that because you see people at their most vulnerable moments and they're pain. You know, the peanut massage in their pain, rather than, so if you've just tuned in, this is WBCA LP 102.9 FM in Boston. I'm Sharon Eaton Hinton. This is Black Teacher's Matter. And we are Boston's community radio station. So we usually have a call in. And so I'll give you the number, 617-708-3211. But I'm hoping that you're more listening and taking notes than calling in, to be honest with you. Because I think this is amazing. Let's go back to your book, chapter two. See, I'm telling you, I'm going through this book. I wrote down an underlying, so many things. We're not even gonna get to it. But on your first bait, and you said what's in italics, you actually wrote. And so you said, "Most people are lazy "and are satisfied with average to low level thinking." And then the Roman quote, "Give the people bread and circuses "and they will not revoke." Talk to me. - Okay, so that quote came from, when I heard that quote, there's a couple of things that come to mind. One of the things that comes to mind is the gladiator move, where Maximus is fighting for his freedom. - Oh, yeah. - And he goes to the, he looks at the crowd after killing his opponent, and he says, "Are you not entertained? "Are you not entertained?" - After the guy's head off with two swords. - Yeah, and that reminds me of the, but the people that are in charge, their attitude was like, "Listen, most people are average "and they're okay with average." So just give them food for the stomach, give them a little entertainment, and they'll be fine. They won't revoke, they won't think, they won't fight back because they're satisfied with that. So that quote speaks about being satisfied with mediocrity and being satisfied with that, which is average. - That was, which is what people, you talk about, and we're gonna get to chapter three now and get off the mic. Get off the mic and Plato said, "A wise man speaks "because he has something to say, a fool, "because he has to say something." Now, old school, especially some of this, if you don't have nothing nice, don't say anything, right? So we have all these, these sayings and these, but you're talking about, well, it's page 79, I'll tell you. Something else I underlined, actually I circled an underlined a bunch of stuff in this chapter. So the camera can give a false sense of power, love, and identity because it brings immediate gratification, and then you had a list of things you should ask yourself. Please ask yourself when you're rehearsing or about to go live in a social media platform. Some potent questions such as, I circled, I didn't circle all of them, I circled the ones that really got to me. Does your message generate love, hate, or confusion? Do you think your message is making the world better or worse? What are your intentions? And then in a time where there are too many voices, I implore you to think about what you're going to say and to understand why you are saying it. So what do you think about social media and the fact that there are so many people talking loud and saying nothing? Or saying something detrimental? I think we're at a very, very sad place. I've seen a lot of podcasts, a lot of people just, the things that they post, I'm like, do you not have anything to say? You know what I'm saying? And then it's a little bit, sometimes it's a little bit confusing 'cause when I look at some of these podcasts, especially the relationship podcast, I'm like, are you trying to help people or are you just continuing to generate this gender war between men and women? - And exploiting them to make money. - Yeah, like what's your purpose? Because the fact, the raw facts of the matter is that we're getting worse. There's more singles today than I've been before in history. - There are more singles for a lot of different reasons. I mean, when you, I agree with the gender war thing and confusion, but also we're having less people. And the people, the economy is causing people not to want to have kids and not want to get married because it seems like there's so many other alternatives out there, like, you know, right? - Yeah, yeah, that's the reason, right, which is a big reason for the book though. So a big reason for the book is what I'm saying is, yo, if we don't close some of these doors, it's just gonna be chaos upon chaos upon chaos. You gotta close some of the doors. Okay, in this chapter, again, I'm telling you, we won't get to this old book. I know for a fact. Excuse me, I'm choking a little bit, it's dry in here. But in the same chapter, it is disrespectful to the old degeneration when they aren't allowed to teach and govern because they've already been where you're going. This is why I write books to serve as a guide and give you tools to help you govern a better life. All voices should not be heard because some are destructive, immature and evil. And then you talk about this Chinese proverb, this is think twice and say nothing. Talk about that. - Okay, so think twice and say nothing is related to a quote that I saw a couple weeks ago that said, "Everything that's in your brain shouldn't come out of your mouth," right? So again, it's a matter of saying, okay, what am I going to say? Does it really, really need to be said? Am I responding, am I seeking to respond or am I seeking to understand? Because if you seek to understand, you'll get a better revelation, you'll get better understanding and then you'll be better. If you just seek to respond, especially if you're just getting offended or if you're getting irritated, then you'll say something and it will be hurtful. One of the things that I hate about social media is that there's a lot of hate. There's a lot of competing. There's a lot of people just reducing one another. And then there were some things that it's like that really isn't funny. Like today, I feel like even with the comedians have gotten more darker, entertainment's gotten more darker. Everything is just kind of like, yo, like I feel like there's no boundaries today. Like disrespect is just kind of like it's gone. - So it's not really to enlighten or to give insight is just tearing people down. - Yeah. - So I'm gonna move on to this book. We have went through the show already. I'm trying to run it. See, so your next chapter, and they're all kind of intertwined, which is awesome. - Your next chapter is, well, let me use the phrase, it's called Marry a White Woman, chapter four. - Marry, look at yours. - But I want to segue into something that you said in this chapter. It says what happens when the ones who are supposed to understand you, based on common grounds, become a huge source of pain and discomfort. And then a statement that you may, all men want is peace at the end of the day. And a woman who has a problem with submission doesn't give that. And then what do you do when they tell you to marry a girl in a church, not the bar of the club, and you do that twice and it still ends in divorce? Talk to me. - Okay, so the Christian narrative is, you know, get you a church girl, right? So we get a church girl, and then on a personal level, and even on a national level, we find out that the Christian divorce rate is just as high as the world. And then when we get in the church, it's, oh, well, everybody's not saved, and everybody's not filled with the Holy Ghost, and everybody's not equally healed. Yo, are you saved enough? Is my heart saved with you or not? You can't keep changing the narrative. And today, we keep changing the narrative. - How we change the narrative and the narrative still is talking to me getting married though. - Can I say that again? - How are we changing the narrative? If the narrative of the church is still, you know, a heterosexual family with, you know, a wife and a husband or man and a woman, I'll be more specific, a man and a woman and 2.5 kids and the picket fence in the home in La Dida. - Right, right, we're changing the narrative because if I marry a woman in the church, right, like, first, I told one of my coworkers, I said, I got divorced twice in the church, and he was shocked. And this is what he said. He said, if your heart isn't safe in the church, where is it safe? Exactly. My heart, if you are the Proverbs 31 woman, the Proverbs 31 woman says his heart safely does rest with her. So, but then we get in the church and then it's, well, everybody's not safe and everybody's not fit. So what I'm saying is that you're changing the narrative because my thing is like, are you saved or not? Am I safe with you or not? Is the church good or not? What is it? - You know, or not. So there's another piece that you said, and then I wanna dive deeper into that 'cause I think that's on the last page of this chapter, chapter four, we accept the love we think we deserve. You could be single because your thinking is flawed. We accept the love we think we deserve. I think everybody thinks they deserve this 'cause you get all these love shows, the Bachelorette, the Golden Bachelorette, the Bachelor and all these, you know, the newlywed game, the this game, you got these dating things, the love and marriage here, love and marriage there, love and, you know, I'm not getting paid to say these shows, which is, I know I'm not bringing the title up in there, but it's love, love, love, love. And so what you're telling me is it's not, it's fake because the people are being fake. Are they looking for a different kind of love? - So the whole, we get what we deserve or we get what we think we deserve. The problem with that statement, even though it's true, is is that do you even know what you deserve? There's what you deserve, and then there's what you work for. So back to the Michael Jordan quote, "I know I will become what I know I am." There's nothing wrong with marriage. There's something wrong with us. There's nothing wrong with love. There's something wrong with us. We have to grow into our vows. We don't grow into them. Again, you can't keep changing the narrative, right? If you say, for Richard, for Pora, for better, for worse, till death do was part, then what, then what happened? - Okay. - What happened? - So as part of that narrative, which is in your next chapter about the Muppet Show, right? You said you can't constantly talk about the dating scene. You can't, don't reduce yourself. When we look at feminism and those women who are following it, are they really winning? And then you talk about you can't constantly push us away, compete with us, reduce us, and then call us when you're ready to date. When you treat us like this, we look at you as sexual objects at best because you were taking on masculine energy. You know them, them's fighting words, David, right? - I know, I know. - Okay, so those fighting words, no man wants to be overpowered by a woman in her masculine energy, he wants femininity. So yes and no, tell me about what you mean by masculine energy and feminine energy. - Okay, so masculine energy, I mean aggressive, I mean straight to the point, I mean, not seeing almost, I don't want almost a non-carrying or just discipline, discipline, discipline. Like a man goes to a woman because he wants the opposite of what he is. - So you tell me that women can't be aggressive and women can't be straight to the point or you need to pick the times when you're soft, when you're with your man. - I'm saying two things. I'm not saying that you can't be that, but here's what I'm saying. A lot of women aren't doing a good job adjusting from this supposedly masculine role or whatever role that they're in into the feminine role. I said to this black woman a couple of months ago, she said, you're just intimidated by a successful strong black woman. And I said, who told you strong with sexy? - So I'm gonna push back, right? And I'm gonna push back and then I tell you why. I'm a very strong woman because life forced me to be that way. However, what I attract is strong men who allow me to be soft and feminine. Let me break it down. So I've been in male spaces. I mean, you know, a lot of the businesses that I'm in. And I grew up around my brothers, my father, and my grandfather and stuff. They were always strong black men around me. They were strong black men. They were my students, strong black students, strong black men who are my husband and I were in youth ministry. And it was very clear when they saw us interacting, my husband and I interacting, who was the man and who was the woman, but we were both strong together. And so when I have been in spaces, I'm gonna tell you a funny joke, it was funny to me anyway, when I was managing the studio downtown, city place for being in. And a woman manager, you as a woman, and we can go into the black woman piece too. Being a woman in leadership role, this society is not conditioned to respect a woman. And so I was directing. When you're directing and you're directing a live program, you direct, ready one, take one, ready two, take two, ready three, camera three, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, right? And so someone that was on the camera's white woman, by the way, she said, can you say please? I said, no, I'm not the woman director, I'm not the male director, I'm the director, we're doing a live show, you do what I want you to do, you get off the camera, right? So to you, that would be masculine, aggressive, boom, direct, right? But then the same studio and producers, and so I have this, you know, I don't waste time, I don't suffer fools lightly, people that know me know that. But I remember my husband came to visit me in the studio, and one of the producers says to my husband, can you come by more often? And he said, why? He said, because we always know when you're on the phone, because you call up and all of a sudden, after she finished cussing us out and boggling around, she's like, hey, how are you doing? What's going on? So you know how to shift it up. And so around strong men, I don't have to take that role of protector and leader and provider, 'cause he's doing that. Now here's my question. Do you think, because black men have been eliminated systematically from the black family, through mass incarceration, through drugs, through homicide, and black women have had to step up to protect sense slavery for over 400 years, that we have, and we've had to do that, that we have, and I'm totally with you about the feminism movement, that white woman been the broad thing, that's not our thing. A woman, hear me roar, 'cause we were brought here to work. So that was, we want to get paid equally, but we were brought here to work. Do you think that that scenario, actually, what's the word, distorted? Distorted our viewpoint, and forced us to be in these situations, where honestly, I don't think it's a problem if you have weak men. It's a problem if you have weak men. It's not a problem if that you have a strong woman, it's a problem when you have a weak men, 'cause when you have, I'm strong, and I told my husband, I said, I'm around men all the time, and some of them are taller than you, better look at them, you richer than you, but I choose you. And so I spoke to the king in him, and gave him that safe place, so that he knew that he was secure in who he was, and I made sure that everybody else respected him, and they saw how I treated him in public spaces so that I could be strong, but then when he wanted to protect me, and wanted to be strong, there wasn't a problem. And we did have a discussion when we were getting married, that love on our own bay. So we did have a, 'cause I said, oh bay, why do I have to obey you, and you don't obey me? But I do tell women about that whole submission thing, which is one of your chapters, right? If you know that this man that is your king is going to die for you, protect you, provide for you, be the priest and prophet of your home, he will do anything for you and your children, then why wouldn't you submit to his leadership? I'm just saying. - Right. - So is that what you're saying? - I mean, I'm, I guess I'm dealing with the masculine and feminine thing that you're talking about. - So you said a lot of things, right? And so to basically answer the question of, you know, the whole, you know, black men being eliminated and targeted, black people are targeted for failure, like more than any other race. And so that has watered down our power. And unfortunately it has caused a lot of black women to be aggressive because they're like, "Yo, I have to do this." And I totally, totally get that and I understand that. The downfall though has been, is sweetie, you're still in that mode. What you just said was powerful because your thing is like, "I got no problem, you with, with, with, with, with." If you're in a position where you have to be a leader and strong and a director, fine. But you know what, when you come home, yo, cut, cut, turn that off. And my thing is like black women aren't turning it off. - Mm. - Wait, wait, wait, wait. - So they're not turning it off for their men? - Right, right, for their right. - Okay. - And so we still have this battle and, and, and, and, and what feminism has done and what women liberation has done, they have literally created this terrible, horrible gender war to, to the point where, statistically a third of the population of men are like, "We're all set." - They're all set with women or with black women. What are we talking about? - Generally, like with what we're talking about, relationships, we're talking about marriage, we're talking about men, a lot of men have checked out and are checking out. And, and, and, and, and, and you, you, you said something before in terms of pursuing, let me say something. After the, after the pandemic, men are not pursuing you. We're going to ask you out one time, you better know what you want. And that, that's, that goes into another chapter. We're kind of jumping around now. When you talk about being an older man, younger women in that, that temptation and opportunity versus being around a mature woman, I think, I personally think the term cougar is, is derogatory. It has certain connotations. And statistically, you know, biologically older women actually reach this sexual peak sometimes in the thirties. And so, guys in their twenties, the ones that, that up to the, up to the, up to the game, bro. That's what I'm saying. And I think younger men really want to go for the older women because they don't want to go through the funana of the younger girls that don't know what's going on and all the foolishness. I mean, that may be, that may be the issue with some people. Although there is the, I think women go through menopause and men go through menopause. And so women go through this whole thing we could not flash and stuff like that. And men go through the situation where they want to get the sports car and show the hair in their chest and show that they still got it, you know. That's, I mean, that's just my thought. I don't know. What do you think? - Here's what I think. I think that, I think that that happens when you're not settled. - Hmm. - So there was a, so, so I have no, I have no desire. And I think, I think for the men who know who they are, they're not trying to go backwards to young cars and young girls and listen to, I mentioned about the young girls and possibly wanting them because I'm not settled in the fact that I'm not married. So now I have all these, so now I have this open door of, I could get this young girl that I wanted to. - You talked about that. - Right. - But you would be playing with a head in line to it though. - Right, right, right. And this is where the open doors come in. I'm not married. So I can play. I really don't wanna play. But there's an open door for me to play. So now I have to kind of battle and say, "You know what? "I'm not gonna do that. "I'm gonna try to get someone. "I'm gonna try to settle down." But it's an open door. And it's an open door that shouldn't be there. - The open door. For those of you who have just tuned in, we are talking about this book. I'm like in chapter, what chapter am I in now? I'm almost to chapter seven, revolving door. And we're not gonna get through this, so I'm gonna have to ask you back, however, 'cause I get so deep into your book, David, I'm telling you. I wrote down questions and stuff. And you said our associations are key because they reveal who we are. We also must understand our negative associations as well. Some will never ask themselves certain questions. Some because they have not been exposed to certain environments and others because they don't wanna face the reality of their own truth. And then you've got these famous quotes which I love. William Shakespeare states, "A coward dies a thousand times, "but the valiant tastes death but wants." Talk about that piece. - Okay, so the coward dying a thousand times means that the coward is, first of all, the definition of a coward is one who doesn't take the courage to deal with the unpleasant thing. So if you habitually do that, meaning if you're running late, no, no, no, not running late. I wanna go back to the dating thing, right? I asked this woman out a couple of months ago and her response was, "Oh, no," right? And that, "Oh, no," should've been, "Oh, yes, because you looked at me last week, "like you really wanna be. "You flirted with me, "which is why I asked you out. "Then when I shoot my shot, you're like, "Oh, yes, 20 years ago." It was, he could turn me out, that's my man. Today, it's, he could turn me out, I can't manipulate. That's what I mean when I say the coward is a thousand times. The coward never gets his or her greatness because you keep going back to fear and fear is your comfort place. - Here's the piece on this chapter, right? Let me see, let me make sure I, the game of questions, that's chapter six, this questions. For those of you who just tuned in and were coming down to the hour, we've got like 10 minutes left. Oh, you tuned in to Black Teaches Matter, we're at WBCA LP 102.9 FM in Boston. Boston's community radio station, I'm Sharon Eaton, Hinton, the producer and host of Black Teaches Matter. And my guest is my very, very good friend, author, David Carruthers, we're discussing his book, "The Open Doors," learning to avoid the distractions that deter Destiny. Let me tell you this part, this one hit me. And you and I have talked about it. I'm gonna put it out there because I wanna put it out in the atmosphere on page 52. I've met people who wished they could write their book. You have to buckle down, take, steal. And make the time to complete it. The first one is the hardest and then it flows after life is the same way. Ron Carpenter said, "Life is lived on levels and experience in seasons." This part, I had to circle it, I underlined it. I put an asterisk. I've met people who wished they could write their book. You have to buckle down, take, steal and make the time to complete it. The first one is the hardest and then it flows afterwards. Is that what happened to you? And this is your seventh book and you've got other books? - Yeah, yeah, that definitely what happened to me. So the first one, like I said before, was hard because I was dealing with me, right? I had to deal with the voices of unworthiness, of confidence and I just had to deal with like my life. You know what I'm saying? Writing is very illuminating. You get to see who you are and you get to see who you are not and you have to deal with it. Because once it's written down, it's like, oh shoot, it's right there and when it's right there, now it's like, well, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna run or are you gonna deal with it? And so after writing, kill your giants, I found myself. That's what you wanna do, you wanna find yourself. And then once you find yourself, it's like, okay, this is, this is, this is, we're on Easy Street now. So, but that issue of fear, right? I remember when I wrote the book, some woman had saw the book and she said, "Do you do seminars?" And I immediately said, "Yes." Right? Sharon, I didn't do, I didn't do seminar, I didn't do a seminar in my life at that point. (laughing) But I was told to say yes because it was like say yes, then go work on it. Mm-hmm. Say no, opportunities lost. You just closed the door. Exactly. You just closed the door, here's another piece. Now, I just wanna let people know that there are, I was looking at the index, there are 12 chapters in this book and we're only on chapter seven, the revolving door. And so, building on what we're just talking about now, all of the books, and this is David saying this, all of the books that I have written have come from letting my mind wander. You will never find the voice of greatness if you're always busy. This is where identification of your habits and doors is vital. I heard a quote that said, if you're always working, you'll never have time to make money. Come on, Brown, if you're always working, you will never have time to make money. (laughing) Oh boy, just so you would expand on it, right? Yes, sir. Okay, so Jim Rome said work a job and you'll make a living. Work for yourself and you'll make a fortune. The money is in you, it's in your dreams, it's not in a job. Your job can't pay you what's your worth. Can you say that again, please? Can you say that for the people in the cheap seats? (laughing) Your job cannot pay you what you're worth, right? So I'm so looking forward to landing some opportunities with some speaking environments that I've been around because social for instance, I was part of the speaking speaking club and the guy said, how much do you charge? And I really didn't have a figure. And then when I gave him the figure, he said, David, that's way too little. He said, you should be charged. He said, because you're an author, you should be charged at least $5,000 per speaking engagement. Oh my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop right now. Father God in the name of Jesus, can you bring us those doors of opportunity in Jesus' name and give us the figures, give us the people, give us the resources and give us and we give you the praise of the honor and the glory, amen? So I have to say that again, our minds were not designed to constantly be a work. All of the books that I have written have come from letting my mind wander. You will never find the voice of greatness if you're always busy. This is where identification of your habits and doors are vital. If you're always working, you'll never have time to make money. And then you said it's vital that you change your environment so that you can see clearly what your next step should be and you search for the little symbol things in life to make you happy. We've got like three minutes, bretta, three minutes to get to the point. Okay, so one of the things what that meant was in terms of hearing the voice of greatness, if I'm going to keep it a hundred and I will, here's what I mean, put your phone down. Hmm. There's way you, you're never going to get to your great place by scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. I let my mind wander and when I let my mind wonder, God gives me ideas for books. In my spare time, I write books. In my spare time, I write books. I limit the amount of time that I watch TV. I limit the amount of time that I'm on that phone. Hmm. You have to let your mind wander. You got to let your mind breathe. And you said that, you said that you quoted in the next chapter. Good is the opposite of great. You said Jim Collins wrote a book, Jim Collins wrote a book, a good to great. And the first sentence of the book is good, it's the opposite of great. So if you're doing good, how is that the opposite of great? Because good, good, because good is like, if I was to think about it on like a grade, right? Good would be like a B. Great would be an A plus. Hmm. And here's the problem that in high school, I went for a C, right? But as an adult, it's like, yo, at least go for the less bronzes. Reach for the stars, you'll land on the moon. Negroes will be reaching for the ceiling. I want to reach for the stars. Wow. Only the ceiling, not even the top floor, right? You're not even going on the way up. Yeah, you know what I mean? But then there were hip hop songs that go all the way up. You know, all the way up, I go all the way up, right? I mean, so it's not like nobody's dreaming, you know? No, no, there are some, there are definitely some. But what I'm saying is you want to put yourself in a place where you're thinking harder, where you're thinking higher, and you're actually taking action steps to be there and to get there. And you're not comfortable. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't get comfortable. You get one shot at this light. Now you sound like Eminem, one shot. Yeah, yeah. You know, I have to, we have two minutes, no joke. How can people get more information about this book if you're just tuned in and you're late? This is, the book is called The Open Doors, learning to avoid the distractions that deter destiny. And the people that you've heard talking about is myself, Sharon Eaton Hinton, I'm the producer and host of Black Teachers Matter and the writer, the author, David Carothers. David, how can someone find this book, get more information because we didn't do all the chapters. We just talked about the stuff I underlined. They can go to my website at theraildavidcarothers.com or they can find the book on amazon.com. And it's, and it's the, the Open Doors. Name some of the other books that you have. Reading could take you anywhere. That is the children's book. 30 days of real reactors. First one, kill your giants. And then the other one is you're such a liar. How fake corrupts us all. Ooh, you know. Those are amazing books and you're an amazing person. I'm so glad to call you my friend. You said too many choices. Leave too much room for distraction. The book is called learning to avoid the distractions that deter destiny. I have to tell you, this was an amazing book. Huh, and I wish I had more time. I don't, but I really appreciate you being here with me. Thank you so much, David. I have to have you back. And thank you so much too. The people that are listening. You've been listening to Black Teachers Matter. We're on WBCA LP 102.9 FM in Boston. We're Boston's community radio station. We had a calling number, and we'll probably put it out there sometime, but not tonight. You have to tune back in and I have to have David back and have to have you back. I have one quote, I don't know if I have time to actually say it. It says, go confidently in the direction of your dreams and live the life you've always imagined. That's Henry David Thoreau. Live your dreams and we'll be back here at Black Teachers Matter at WBCA LP 102.9 FM in Boston. (upbeat music) (upbeat music)